Robyn

Stroke Caregiver - female
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  1. Robyn
    Shauna's grandfather is in the hospital with pneumonia. He's older...91...lived a good long life, but he's in Texas and she's here and I know she's hurting because she wants to be with him. Shauna was severely abused as a child from her mother, father and brother. At one point her mother shoved a loaded pistol in her face. Mom has a mental illness but unfortunately won't get diagnosed, won't take meds and is very narcissistic and manipulative. No one has ever seriously called her to task. Shauna hasn't spoken with them -- except once -- in 22 years. Through therapy and the love of her grandparents, she has survived and become an incredibly strong and successful person who donates her time to work with abused children. Her grandparents saved her soul in so many ways and now that he's sick its hitting her very hard. I try to imagine what she has lived with...what she went through as a child and it is BEYOND my comprehension. She tells me stories and I just shudder at the thought. I know it will be incredibly difficult for her to deal with his death...he means the world to her and is really her only biological family left that she is close with, except her niece (brother's daughter) with whom she is close (the niece does not live with her father, thankfully, but has experienced similar abuse as Shauna experienced). When he goes, I know she will feel very alone.
     
    I don't think this is the end for him but at 91, yeah...it's close. I hope I can be a support and comfort for her as she goes through this experience...
     
    If you have a spare prayer or thought, please send it his way!!
  2. Robyn
    Howdy folks...I got a PM from someone and decided to check-in and give you a quick update. I hear from Bonnie regularly which is nice.
     
    I am through the half-way point of the spring semester...almost done with my first year here at SIUE. So far so good. Things could be improved in terms of my teaching and I wish I could get more research done...last fall emotionally killed a lot of my momentum...but overall its been a good year here.
     
    The kids are doing great. Margaret is doing violin lessons and is doing very well. She loves it and certainly has the talent for it. She's also finishing swimming lessons and started playing soccer this spring. My current girlfriend is helping coach her team so its great they have some time together. Sam stopped violin lessons...has a hard time standing still so I think he needs to be a bit older. I started him with Gymnastics which is LOVES! That seems to be his "THING" which is good! He's also going to play soccer too, starting this Saturday.
     
    My new relationship is going well. I'm very happy. Kind of surprising considering where things were a year ago, but keeping my heart and mind open helped. Also getting the help I needed to support me was good too. We both honor the pain we felt from the breakups of our past relationship and keep an open dialogue about that.
     
    I don't really think much about Jane any more. Things popped up a few weeks ago. I had emailed her in January asking when she thought she could return my things because she was supposed to have returned to Colorado after her stint in outpatient rehab in Massachusetts. I didn't hear from her for about 6 weeks so I resent the message telling her I assumed she wasn't ignoring my email but was simply not checking email so I forwarded it to her two colleagues who I knew would make sure she got the message. Sure enough she emailed me two days later. It was sort of a surreal message...very cold and distance. Not sure how much was the impact of the stroke versus her being who she is...not sure it matters any more anyway. The gist of the email was that "It was unfortunate how things ended between us." (probably the closest thing I'll get to an apology...ah well...)...she had brain surgery at some point last fall I guess so she had to stay in Massachusetts longer than expected and had only just returned to Colorado in the beginning of the month. She returned MOST of my things but she said she'd sort through the rest of the things when she moved back to her farm full time. Lastly, she asked if we could be colleagues... While that sounds weird, in my letter to her last fall I made it clear I was not interested in being friends...colleagues was a reasonable request because we run in the same academic circles and it would be awkward if that created a ruckus between us. I told her we were colleagues, but nothing more as the hurt will always be with me, even though I've moved on, and that I needed to protect my children from being hurt again. I've heard nothing since but that's fine...I didn't expect it nor wanted or needed it. I got my things back which was the closure I expected. NO, I'll never know why things changed...maybe one day she'll share but I've stopped hoping for it. And I'm OK...
     
    I hope you guys are good...I miss hearing your voices! It is just too hard to come back here with any regularity as it opens up all the old hurt and wounds, but it isn't personal and I am grateful for all the love and support I got here. I'll check in on occasion but don't hesitate to PM me if you want!
     
    XO Robyn
  3. Robyn

    A good week...

    By Robyn,

    I've had lots of good revelations this week...spent some time really focusing on the pains I have felt and how to move past them. THe sessions I have been in were wonderful and I found something useful in every session to help me heal more. I can't go into it...too much and probably just too personal to share but I realize that at this point in time I don't have to sit in the place of pain any more. While feeling that hurt and pain may have served me in the first few months after the break up, I am at a point now where it doesn't serve me...it now inhibits me from that last bit of living I want to do. It also inhibits me from being fully there for my new relationship. I've always been honest about that with her and she has been very patient about that as well. Now I'm ready to let go of the old stuff and really give myself to my new future more fully.
     
    I may still hurt at some level, probably always, but I'm choosing now to let it all go so it doesn't own my life any more.
     
    I'll be back on occasion...but not in the near future as I just need some time and space. But I'll be back to give y'all updates! As I learned this week in my sessions, "I'm not saying NO to you, but YES to me!"
     
    Feel free to reach me via PM or email option here, or simply email me feel free to contact me through my PM. It is hard for me to read threads, and it has been for awhile, but that doesn't mean I don't want to hear from people themselves...!!! All of my love my dear friends...!!!
     
    XOXOXO
  4. Robyn

    Peeling back the layers...

    By Robyn,

    I've noticed recently that little by little I am peeling back the layers that are weighing on my regarding the breakup with Jane. I made a huge leap when I sent her stuff back, along with a 4 page letter, and that worked for awhile. But I noticed now that I've become more comfortable with that place, there are still barriers to cross to be at true peace with everything.
     
    I know I am ready and wanting that peace but I'm still struggling with wanting to know WHY things ended as they did...crazy I know...unreasonable probably too...but that doesn't mean it isn't a struggle within me. I want to let that go and need to figure out a way to do that. Intellectually, what do I know...the usual...I know her fears of intimacy...her difficulties making herself vulnerable to another...blah blah blah... But I'm having trouble reconciling the THursday "I love you I want to move closer to you" and the Saturday "I need space...don't call me or talk to me or my family" What happened in those 48 hours that changed things for her? I suspect more than likely she was very vunerable to suggestion and her sister (who is truly warped) and her therapist (who I think is a hack, now) very likely suggested to her that she didn't need the pressures of a long distance relationship, with someone who had kids. OK...maybe so, but we did have a commitment...a commitment in my book means you work things out through thick and through thin and if you try, and it doesn't work, then that's OK...its time to move on. But she felt her stroke gave her permission to suddenly change her mind and renege on her commitment to me...without trying. You don't just get to "change your mind" when you are in a committed relationship...at least not without making an attempt to fix what may be wrong.
     
    So then, was it really a commitment? The answer, of course, is no. I realize now that I used the term Partner, and truly meant it. I wanted to include her in all things in my life. She used the term partner but didn't really buy into the concept. What I realize now is that we didn't have a true "partnership"...we didn't live together, didn't have accounts together, didn't own anything together (although she used the royal "we" often when referring to things that were hers...OUR farm in Colorado, etc.), didn't have our legal paperwork together. I realize now that loving someone and having a partnership are TWO different things. Calling it a partnership when it wasn't one in reality is what has led to this sudden betrayal that I felt from her. She could get all the "benefits" of calling someone her partner without any of the hard work. How convenient for her... But that's quintessential Jane...I wish I had just been smart enough to see it but I guess I was also enamored with having my first relationship with a woman...its easy to get blinded by that stuff.
     
    Sooooo...lessons learned...I've already talked with my new girlfriend about this stuff...her name is Shauna, by the way. I told her that I wouldn't call her my partner until which time we took care of all of those niceties...legal paperwork, sharing a home, sharing accounts, sharing a real life together as a unit...then and only then would I call her my partner. She almost went there with the royal "we" the other day and I had to say "NO...that is YOURS..." When I am your partner, then it will be OURS... She got it...and truly accepted that!! So far so good...!! It is so easy to get to that collective feeling but for me now, that collective feeling is meaningless unless there is substance behind it. And maybe there is substance with Shauna...only time will tell, but I'm not going there until I know that for sure.
     
    Here at Kripalu I'm going to be attending a session called "Refilling Your Well" which is about renewing yourself to get ready for the new year. I'm hoping in this time frame to figure out a way to let go of the last layers of hurt I am feeling so I can be open for a bright new year with a wonderful relationship and a great job and life with my kids. That is my intention for the next four days...let go of the spectre of Jane and open my arms to Robyn and the joys of my life even more!!!
  5. Robyn

    Time Flies...

    By Robyn,

    Can you believe its Christmas already? Unbelievable...where did the year go? Actually, I DO know where it went but it sure went by fast!
     
    I'm happily camped out in the cafe at my retreat house, Kripalu. It's wonderful! It is peaceful, relaxing, quiet...I can have alone time if I want it...I can socialize if I want to. It's all good.
     
    Lots of things have happened this year and I'm trying to take this time to reflect on all I've learned this year and try to move continually forward in my life. This blog and this community has totally saved my life and helped give me the balance I needed to survive the last 6 months. I am so grateful if I haven't said it before. I am here and alive and LIVING my life in large part because all this group has been here with arms outstretched helping carry me through one of the toughest experiences of my life.
     
    Some good things to note...I weaned myself off of my anti-depression meds (Cymbalta)! So far so good. It is the first time in a year I am DRUG-FREE!!! I think I have learned so much about managing my life and my emotional state in the last year. I am doing all the right things to keep myself strong and balanced. I work more closely with my life coach now, but my therapist is still there...helping me deal with those last bits of hurt wrought by Jane and her insanity.
     
    Another good thing is that YES, I am officially dating someone. I'd like to say we are still "taking it slow" but I'd be lying!!! Things were going pretty reasonable there for awhile and then we had a huge blackout in our area because of an ice/snow storm after Thanksgiving! Because she was without electricity, she ended up staying with me for a week. Needless to say, it is hard to "slow down" once you've shared intimate space like that for an extended period of time. I'm not uncomfortable or unhappy...it feels right. I also acknowledge to her and to myself that I'm not fully healed from my hurt. And she knows and accepts that which is good So as long as I am being honest with myself and with her and being mindful of my feelings and hers then all seems to be good with the world. The kids ADORE her which is wonderful and Margaret says she likes her way more than Jane! I guess that is a testament to "the universe providing"!!!
     
    More later...I actually have some quiet time to really reflect on things this next week so I plan on using this blog to do that!
     
    Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!!!
     
    XOXO
  6. Robyn

    Didja' miss me???!!!

    By Robyn,

    Maybe...maybe not!!! That's OK...I've been very busy...end of semester grading...Thanksgiving holidays. Last I checked in here, my ex had come into town to see the kids. The following weekend I brought them to Albany to visit HIM, then the Wednesday after that we left for Milwaukee to see my sis and her family for Thanksgiving. It was fun and relaxing although I got a speeding ticket driving up to Milwaukee on Wednesday...sigh...80 in a 65, right outside of Springfield, IL. Driving down rt 43 in Wisconsin, however, I could fly! Did I mention I love driving fast?!!
     
    This past week I've just been getting back into the swing of things. Getting ready for final exams, final projects/papers, and the holidays! WHEW... Where did November go???
     
    Anyway, on an interesting note, I've met someone and we've been on a few dates... She gets where I am at with all the stuff with Jane and gives me the space to do what I need to do for me, yet I REALLY enjoy her company and we chat all the time. She has met the kids and they seem to like her and vice versa so hopefully that will continue work well! One day at a time!!
     
    I got an email from a friend who worked with Jane and also had a personal relationship with Jane as friends. She is feeling the same sort of rejection from Jane. I tried to comfort her without biasing her with my own anger/frustration issues. I did tell her, however, that it wasn't HER, it was about Jane and her issues and to NOT take it personally. I think she appreciates that... Jane is completely and totally selfish, and it wasn't the stroke that caused that...she was before, but I think most people forgave her that foible because of other attributes she had. I think her true colors are now coming out and if she is cutting herself off from close friends, as well as me, this is a truly troubled woman we are dealing with. Jane's loss...truly... I have really come to feel sorry for her. My life is rich and full and joyous...I have great friends, a new love interest in my life and the support of some pretty incredible people. The last thing I want is to be with someone who'd rather cut herself off from life and living...not me or my style! I hope Jane will be happy...I doubt it though...I think she is just surviving emotionally speaking. And that DOES make me sad for her...
     
    Anyway...I see craziness in my future with the end of semester stuff but I'm looking forward to submitting grades and chilling out for a few days!
     
    Love y'all and missed ya!
     
    XOXO
  7. Robyn

    I feel alive again...

    By Robyn,

    ...OK...and a little tired too! LOL! Gracious, I had a great weekend with my friend, Roxanne! We met lots of new people and just had a grand time. I realized I need more sleep than I gave myself this weekend, especially since I'm STILL trying to battle off my cold. Guess I'm not as young as I used to be...!
     
    This is all part of the process, right?! Returning to LIVING...enjoying life and being with people and just reconnecting with myself again. It felt glorious...first time in months I felt whole again!
     
    I sent her stuff back FINALLY along with a long letter sharing my feelings and pain. It felt great actually to just move forward in the process by getting rid of two boxes of her things hanging around my house. Another step in my closure...I'm almost there. I still feel like there is something still left to complete...unsure what and I'm unsure its actually something I have to do, but perhaps I'm expecting to hear from her one last time to not just close the door, but to also lock it. I don't know so I'm just staying in the moment and letting the universe give me what it needs to give me.
     
    I have learned after this weekend, in case it wasn't clear to me before, that the universe DOES provide...it is amazing!!!!! It's ALL GOOD!!!!
  8. Robyn

    My Movies List...

    By Robyn,

    Ok OK...here goes...unsure I can remember them all:
     
    African Queen
    What Dreams May Come
    Key Largo (YES, I'm a Bogie fan!)
    Shrek/Shrek 2
    The Mad Adventures of Rabbi Jacob (ROTFLMAO!!!!!!)
    Fried Green Tomatoes
    It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad World
    Monty Python ANYTHING (Holy Grail, Life of Brian....LOL!)
    Henry the V (with Kenneth Branagh)
    Dead Again
    Sense and Sensibility (with Emma Thompson)
    A Fish Called Wanda
    Chaplin (with Robert Downey JR)
    Anything Harry Potter
    Anything Lord of the Rings
    Anything Star Trek (live long and prosper!!)
    Grease
    Dead Man Walking
    Philadelphia
    Big
    To Kill A Mockingbird
    Twelve Angry Men
     
     
    Geeze, I could go on forever...this is a beginning. I'll be back I'm sure!
  9. Robyn
    So this will be my last grownup fun thing to do between now and the end of semester I think. I have happily used my babysitter the last couple of weeks. It has been enormously helpful, enabled me to get out and recapture my social life. Last week a concert, the week before, dinner with friends. This week a concert last night and a formal fundraiser dinner dance tonight (I'm volunteering to support the event). I've enjoyed just stretching my wings a bit.
     
    I had a dream about Jane this week...not a romantic dream but one that really helped me see her for the person she is now...someone with emotional problems who is just not the person I fell in love with. I'm honestly not blaming it on the stroke. I truly believe that the crap was there but only sitting under the surface. The stroke only opened the door to let it out... I wish I had been smart enough to see that. But I wanted to believe what she was telling me...that we were strong...that we could weather anything. I wanted to trust...I DID trust. But I also know if you don't trust, if you don't believe, you will NEVER EVER experience the joys that true love can bring. So I'm not afraid to make myself vulnerable one day again. Everyone that has heard the story has said it is COMPLETELY and TOTALLY HER CRAP and HER LOSS...friends, acquaintances, and complete strangers...
     
    I will always love her, but I'm more than ready to move on...the pain is less and all that remains are loving memories of what WAS, and some sadness about the way she handled it all, especially how those surrounding her handled it...I can NEVER EVER forgive them...NEVER. Her, I can forgive because I actually feel sorry for her...and I'm never one to feel sorry for someone because in some ways I feel that can be condescending (hard to explain what I mean right now). But yeah, I feel sorry for her... So maybe forgiveness is settling in now...it feels that way...
  10. Robyn

    The largness of life...

    By Robyn,

    I've been going what feels like nonstop for the last week...! I do this...I dive in with two feet then realize that I've crossed the border and adjust back to an activity level that works for me. Its all about the balance in my life. Right now I'm just wiped...spent way too much time having fun...although I needed it, you know. Now I have to really focus on my work and bringing the semester to a close!!! And getting more sleep!
     
    More later!!!
  11. Robyn
    Yeah...been thinking a lot about forgiveness. Wondering when I'm going to be able to forgive Jane for how she has treated me. Part of me wants to...part of me is still angry and bitter and very very hurt. I felt like there were all sorts of promises made, not about things or events, but about commitment and love and devotion and loyalty. I can live with changes in events...but how can you say you love and are committed to someone one day and completely ignore that and not care the next? I mean, I really know the answer...it is about her problems and then is exacerbated by the stroke...I know that...I do. But what my mind knows and my heart feels isn't always in alignment. I want them to be in alignment though. I don't want to harbor resentment and bitterness towards her but its hard right now. The wounds are still really fresh.
     
    I know I'm getting better. I'm laughing more...there is joy in my life...I'm moving forward, meeting new people! The sadness sits in a little cocoon inside of me...every once in a while it invades my system and I find I'm deeply sad...last week a few times...last night a strong sense of loss and sadness...but eventually the cocoon hides away. Thankfully it isn't wandering as much any more. I'm acknowledging it when it happens...letting the sadness be and letting a few tiny tears fall in acknowledgement of its existence...honoring it...but otherwise I feel stronger and happier than I've felt in months.
     
    If nothing else, I've become wiser about the things I find negotiable and non-negotiable in a relationship. Things I overlooked with her, I won't do anymore. I won't get into it here...but I know what is meaningful to me and what is not and I won't go through this experience again, nor will I put my children through this again with someone who truly doesn't want to be in it 100%. Anyone that says "I am selfish and I've been in therapy non-stop for 15 years" I am running far far away from...far far far away...no matter how much they want to believe they are ready willing and able for a committed relationship. It just ain't gonna happen...not with me.
     
    Anyway...I am still in the "angry" phase and am hoping to move on towards forgiveness. Once I can soften that place inside of me, I'll know I'm ready for the next phase in my healing...ready to meet someone else and begin anew. But I don't know if there is something I can actively do or if this is really about time heals and I just have to wait until the appropriate amount of time passes. That is what I'll be chewing on for the next couple of days I guess...
  12. Robyn
    Sorry I've been AWOL...I haven't left...Only been SWAMPED visiting with my family and working!
     
    They left yesterday so things are returning to normal and I'll have time to come back and blog and comment on other's blogs!
     
    Missed you all!! Thanks for emailing Phyllis!!!
     
    XOXOXOXOXO
  13. Robyn
    She called today...its over. Said she doesn't even think of me... Said other things that were hurtful as if I had done something wrong... I spoke with a good friend who knows both of us and she said I've done nothing wrong...that truly this is all about Jane's projections and emotional intimacy problems. And she said she'd ABSOLUTELY tell me if that was indeed the case, that I had messed up in some way. Bottom line, it is easier to blame me rather than to acknowledge she has a ton of baggage...that has ALWAYS been her problem. She always said she was being honest with me...always said she told me everything... She lied...she did...she lied... My three year relationship was just one big lie... I can forgive her stuff post-stroke, but she was referring to issues pre-stroke... I trusted her and it was all a lie. And no...this is not the stroke talking folks...trust me on this one. I got duped. If she was truly committed to me as she said she was, she never would've closed and locked the door. This was just a convenient excuse for her to leave because she couldn't handle the emotional intimacy. In my discussion with our friend, she said people with Jane's level of emotional difficulties have a serious pathology, but I never saw it...never...I got duped. Our friend saw it but I never did. Jane wanted the level of intimacy I could offer but really couldn't do it in the long run. SHe's simply incapable of it but convinces herself she can...for awhile. Intimacy can only come when SHE'S comfortable...and when she didn't want it I was made to feel that intimacy was wrong. Our friend said she thought that Jane was simply using me...I don't know...
     
    I'm angry and I feel sorry for her...but I'm glad I moved on a week ago...glad I had the stuff packed up and ready to send back to her. I told her I was going to send it back...along with pictures and letters and everything else... I have enough memories in my mind, heart and soul...I don't need the visual reminders in my life right now.
     
    So life goes on...I'm sad but relieved...
  14. Robyn

    Going to see my Niece!!!

    By Robyn,

    YIPPEE...I don't know if I mentioned here but my sister (age 40) had her first baby about 2 weeks ago. I'm an aunt for the first time! :Clap-Hands: I'm heading up to Milwaukee to cuddle my new niece...Marina Patrice! First I have to pay the bills this morning...then drive about 5-ish hours north. No biggie...its therapeutic! I'll be back home Saturday early evening.
     
    Kids are with dad again this weekend so I have a bit of a break. GOing out for dinner with friends Saturday night and then Sunday I'll work at home all day...grading, class prep, etc. Monday is Columbus Day but unfortunately I still have to teach although the kids have the day off...sigh...doesn't anyone think about the struggles of single working mom's??? :Tantrum: GRRRRR!
     
    I went to work out this morning and forgot my sneakers...oh well...the intent was there. I did Pilates 3x this week so I feel good about that.
     
    Off to pay bills...chat later!!
  15. Robyn

    Coaching...

    By Robyn,

    My life coach has been invaluable to me. Coaching, for those of you who don't know, is a tool one can use to get guidance and advice about how to manage your day to day life. It is most common in business situations...senior executives use "executive coaches" to help them learn the ropes of what it means to be an executive and help them learn balance in their lives.
     
    So I spoke with my coach today whom I've known for almost a year. She was remarking how much has changed for me in a short period of time...less than 3 months...and how much I have managed getting through this process in a healthy way. I was at a retreat seminar with her in July when I first heard about Jane. She had said I walked in buoyant and joyful the first evening of the retreat and by Sunday (the day after Jane's stroke) things had totally changed 180 degrees. And in the 2 1/2 months since then they've only gotten worse in some ways... But what she said that really touched me is that she said it was an honor to watch me and help me move through this process of healing over the last couple of months. That she was pleased and proud I had worked hard to get into such a good space, considering how I had been treated by Jane through all of this.
     
    With her, I am trying to work on balancing my spiritual, intellectual, and physical well being, taking into account all of the emotional issues I've had to deal with. My therapist helps me with my emotional state most directly but my emotional state affects all the other issues so that has to be considered when working with the coach. We don't deal with the emotional issues but talk about how those issues affect my ability to balance the other things in my life. It is great that I can speak with her once a month and then email her all I need during that month. It definitely keeps me focused on the things I find important...my well being, my job, my kids, my spiritual practice... We always leave each session with an action plan so I am accountable for that plan. So far it has been working and if it hadn't been for her I might never have made it through the last two months.
     
    Now we are moving away from issues about Jane and are focusing on how to take the lessons I learned during these two months and integrate them into my daily life. Only time will tell if I am able to keep this mometum. At least I am mindful of what I need to do.
  16. Robyn
    I kept things pretty low key...stayed with friends, had dinner out, went to my retreat house for some R&R, took care of affairs at my home... It was just what I needed to keep taking the steps to move forward and heal from this last few months. There were moments of melancholy but less so than I had expected. I think the process I went through the first few weeks after I left her at the rehab hospital and before she made the split final really helped to put me in a good place. It certainly took a good 6 weeks for me to be in a better place...still sad but more than able and ready to move on. Of course I'm not SPRINTING as I'm moving on, but I'm moving which is really all one can ask for.
     
    I spent some time thinking about what I was feeling. There are moments when I go through the expected "How could I have not seen that...how could I have tolerated that" stuff. I realized that when we love and trust someone, nothing is ever perfect but its about the choices and tradeoffs we make. Some things we tolerate because it is balanced against some pretty incredible other stuff. We had some very good things and even though there were things that weren't perfect, they weren't intolerable. So it is easy to go to the place once it is over, remembering the things that weren't perfect and wondering why we accepted those things. Then you have to remember that the trust and love that was there before is now gone so the "balance" that was there before is also gone only leaving the things that weren't perfect and leaving you scratching your head wondering "why did I do that".
     
    I don't want to live in a place of regrets. What makes this so painful is that the three years WERE incredible...the person she WAS...willing to fight to be there emotionally, was great. And I knew in time, absent any tragedies such as this, we'd be OK. But you can't count on tragedies not happening I realize now. And I'm also recognizing that someone who has those fundamental emotional issues would never, in the end, be able to commit in a meaningful way...at least not in the way that I think is meaningful. She said she needed space from me...space from what? Calls to her to inquire how she is and to tell her I love her...calls to her family to find out her progress...? What was she afraid of...someone who'd love her, care for her, want to help her...? How was what I did so awful that she'd need to cut off all contact with me? How do you do that to someone who you said was your partner, bestfriend, family? That is what I mean...if it wasn't this tragedy, it would be ANOTHER tragedy...she ultimately is not capable of sustaining a loving committed relationship with anyone, no matter how much she wants to...she wants everyone at arms distance. What a lonely lonely sad life... Being able to give yourself to another, whether it is as a parent or a lover or spouse is beyond description...it is an incredibly beautiful, loving and rewarding experience. She will never really ever be able to sustain that...and that is so sad... She accused me of only caring about myself and my needs yet that is what she has always been guilty of, from the beginning and she admitted it herself. She said she was selfish which is why she never wanted to have kids...always wanted her career...rarely had meaningful relationships with lovers...had few, if any friends. Why didn't I hear those words?? Because I didn't want to...because I thought it would be different...ah well...lesson learned.
     
    I'm doing great but I'm still sad underneath. I now have to compose a letter to her to include in the stuff I send back to her. I want it to be meaningful for me for my closure but also something that may one day be meaningful and get through to her, if that will ever be possible. We'll see. Something inside of me believes, or wants to believe, that she will wake up from this stroke-induced haze and realize how she treated me, which was pretty lousy, and may one day apologize. That's all I'd like to hear...an apology for taking my love for granted and treating it so lightly... That would help.
     
    I also realized one of the things that will help me move on from this is that it is highly unlikely I will see her again, especially if she doesn't return to life in academia, which is HIGHLY possible. I certainly won't see her for at least a year, if not two years unless she actually reaches out and comes to find me, not that I think THAT will happen... But one never knows. So anyway, I'm realizing I have a good year+ to heal and move on...perhaps meet someone else...before I'll have even a remote chance of seeing her again, if at all. Since I am in a new apartment, she has NO history with me here...she was never in this place with me so I have no memories of her here, either. I guess if there EVER was a time for this to happen, this was the best time...I'm making a fresh start, new location, new experiences...I can wipe the slate clean and move on. As much as it was hard, it was, in retrospect, the best time for this to happen.
     
    So I continue to make friends and reach out in my community...make a new life for myself...it is kind of exciting thinking about that!
  17. Robyn
    So I'm taking the kids back east to see their dad tomorrow...its a costly trip because I have to fly the three of us from St. Louis to Albany NY...even on Southwest it is $1100 for us to fly. I have to do laundry tonight, grade exams, pack bags... We have an 11:50am flight and should get to NY by 5:30...long day.
     
    Once I drop the kids off with Dad, I'm staying with my friends Josie and Kathy...they are going to take good care of me which I need desperately. Dinner tomorrow evening and a comfy couch to sleep on...surrounded by good friends, what else can I ask for...! Saturday I'm going to spend the day at my retreat center...first time I'll return there since Jane's stroke...it is where I was when I found out about her stroke in July. I know it'll be hard, particularly since I had hoped to be with HER this weekend visiting her, but now, of course that is no longer an option. So I'm indulging myself in good food, spiritual centering, a 90 minute massage, and a soak in a hot tub.
     
    Sunday I'll head out to my unsold house and close the pool for the season officially. I only did a cursory job in June when I left upstate because I had hoped it would sell. But now I'm still stuck with having to pay my rent out here and the mortgage back there. Draining money from my retirement account but heck...who cares about that stuff right...I may NEVER retire...I may not be able to afford it...sigh... I have to decrease the price of the house again and just keep hoping. And people wonder why I have so much stress in my life...sigh...
     
    I should be back here by 9:30pm-ish on Sunday evening...hopefully the kids won't explode too much traveling!!!
     
    We'll take another trip back east in November...dad will be here in another week as well...he's doing his part to really stay present with the kids. It just bothers me that he doesn't call them regularly. I just don't get that...how can a parent NOT want to talk to their kids????? When he has the kids I call them EVERY DAY!!! I hope he can get the final adjustments to the custody arrangement put together so I can take care of all the final details and get things filed. I'm sure we'll be talking about that tomorrow.
     
    I'm still sad about things...more at peace...able to move forward, but definitely still sad. I feel so violated...lied to...I don't know. When you entrust your love to someone you sort of expect they will hold it sacred but its like she just took it for granted by walking away without even trying. It feels like such a violation... I have to write her a letter once I gather together the final things I have in the house to return to her. Still not sure what I will say but I am hurt and believe she needs to know that. I won't be mean or spiteful but I'll be honest and direct...the way I've always been with her...maybe one day it will all register with her...maybe one day she'll realize what she threw away without a second thought...it is painful to think the person I thought loved me just doesn't care any more...
     
    Another hard weekend but I know I'll be OK...one day at a time! See y'all Sunday evening!
  18. Robyn

    A Good Therapy Day...

    By Robyn,

    Had a good meeting with my therapist. Coming to realize there is nothing I could've done differently that would've changed this outcome. I'm not "at fault" for this situation. Not that Jane is "at fault" for having a stroke, because that would be ridiculous BUT the more my therapist and I dug into some of the intimacy issues of my relationship with Jane the more it was clear to me that this really is about her baggage now. Yes, the stroke laid these things bare and revealed them, but otherwise they might not have been ever at issue because in her healthiest moments she always worked to be there face to face and toe to toe with me emotionally. But the stroke has really created this context.
     
    I'm still hurt, I'm still angry, I'm still profoundly sad...she still said things that hurt me. But at least I'm working on not OWNING that I did this or something wrong to cause her response to me. This is about her and her issues, stroke-induced or not and I can't and won't shoulder any guilt or blame for the way I did things...I wouldn't change a thing. I did what any normal loving partner does. Her inability to accept that and be comfortable with that was HER problem, not mine. Unfortunately I am caught in the wake of this, along with my children. Fortunately, my therapist will see the three of us next week to help us move on from this experience and learn how to love and trust again.
     
    So I feel a bit lighter. Am working on closure with those whom I feel the need to have closure. I emailed mutual friends last night and gave them the news...all are shocked and saddened and have offered their love and support to both Jane and I, as well as the kids, which is nice. Unfortunately, Jane has pushed EVERYONE back so that support may never be felt by Jane, sadly. I'm still trying to reach out to Jane's brother. I'll probably leave a message for him some time this week and I think that will be the last bit of closure I need to let go and move on more constructively.
     
    I want to recapture my life right now and not live like a heavy brick is across my back. I want to laugh again...I want to LOVE again, but not right now...
     
    And remind me to NEVER EVER have a long distance relationship again...NEVER EVER...been there done that...
  19. Robyn

    I'm REALLY NOT CRAZY...

    By Robyn,

    I just spoke with a dear friend, who after me, was Jane's closest friend...at least until recently. I told her what was going on...told her what Jane had said to me last week. SHe was flabbergasted. She said "Robyn, you and Jane were rock solid. There never was a truer, stronger, more loving relationship between two people. It doesn't get any better than what you had." I nearly died when she said that...it meant that what I perceived as our relationship REALLY WAS REAL...I wasn't crazy...I wasn't imagining things. It really was as lovely and as strong as I thought it was. But she also told me Jane was pushing EVERYONE back...especially people with whom she was very close personally and professionally...EVERYONE.
     
    She also confirmed for me everything I've already said here...that this is typical of Jane's way of dealing with things. She also agreed with me, as she knows Jane's family situation, that being in Boston is the WORST place for her to be emotionally. This was doomed to fail from the moment the decision was made to isolate her from me by bringing her back there. I challenge her to stay emotionally healthy...her family allows her to fall back into her dysfunction.
     
    She told me to not close my heart off because she felt, knowing what we had, that this was not rational and was likely temporary. I told her I didn't think I could do that and that I wasn't so sure it was temporary. She felt I'd hear from her again...somehow, some way...that it wasn't over yet. I'm not holding out ANY hope...I can't. I have to move on and heal. She agreed I should do that but to still find a way to keep my heart open. We'll see...right now I feel like that is asking a lot of me considering what I'VE gone through over the last month.
     
    I guess it was nice to hear from someone who knows and loves Jane and I and knew our relationship that this is just plain wrong and should never have happened.
     
    Honestly, even if she comes back to me and apologizes, I don't think I could live through another experience like this. When the next crisis comes, I can't live through her pushing me away again. If she couldn't trust in me and our relationship now, that won't change in the future. That is what hurts. I really did think we were rock solid...that we had the groundwork to make it through this experience.
     
    Jean said in someone's blog comments about those relationships that don't make it through this crisis will fail for one of two reasons...one of which was a character flaw...this is all about her character flaw and not about me and what I thought was the strength of our relationship. It still hurts like nothing I've ever experienced but I know it isn't from something I did that caused this...and I wasn't the only one led to believe we were rock solid and as strong as it gets.
     
    Now back to my regularly scheduled life...
     
    Sam seems to love his new day care...YIPPEE!!! :Clap-Hands: He is eating like a champ and has had nothing but good behaviors. Keep your fingers and toes crossed. Margaret also got her progress report at school and she has A's in everything!!!!! :cheer:
     
    We'll get through this...inch by inch, day by day...
  20. Robyn
    So I took the kids camping this weekend...hopefully for some healing time together. It was hard because I had planned an event that Jane had wanted to do...going to the Lincoln Museums and libraries and stuff. She had expressly told me it was something she wanted to do with me and the kids. I had the weekend planned before her call last week. It probably wasn't the wisest of choices on my part but the kids didn't have any idea. It was also tough because the last two times I went camping 1) I was with the kids and Jane had just had her stroke...I wanted to be with her and I couldn't as I was 2000 miles away from her. 2) the time before I was camping to go back east and meet the kids and it was the last sane, loving conversation I had with her...I remember lying in my tent, talking into the night about our plans and how much we loved each other and how she had talked to our friend out there about me buying property in Cortez CO once my house back east sold. So I was stuck with those images and then all the replaying of our conversation the previous Thursday. So it was tough, but I know each day it is getting a bit easier. One day it will just be a faint memory...I know...it just doesn't feel that way right now.
     
    We did have fun, until this morning...Margaret got whiney and when I finally got her straightened out, Sam chipped in and started. Earlier in the weekend, Margaret was making a list of people in her family and said "I'm not going to include Jane in our family any more, OK?" I said, "I understand, sweetie, Jane has decided she doesn't want to be a part of our family so that's fine." Then she said "What would happen if Jane wanted to come BACK to our family?" I said "What would you want?" She said "I'd want to have her back, I love her and miss her." I said "Well, I understand but Jane said some mean things to me that hurt my feelings and I don't know if I'd trust her again. But we can see if that happens..." (not that I'm counting on it but I'm trying to not sound mean or hateful to my daughter).
     
    So as Sam now has his turn to explode as we leave the restaurant we're eating at, he starts to say "I miss my other mom...I miss Jane" and he's crying. Needless to say, after a long weekend and a long morning dealing with my daughter I am reduced to a pool of tears. I gather myself and get on the road when Margaret asks me if I have Jane's address, where she is now. I said "I do...WHY?" "Because I want to write her a letter and tell her how much she has hurt our feelings that she doesn't want to be in our family. I'm mad that she hurt you and makes you cry. I want her to call me so we can talk about it. Maybe that will help things." (Talking things out is something Jane worked on with Margaret...go figure) So I said "I don't know if that will change things but I think you have the right to tell Jane how you feel." So she plans on writing a letter some time soon and then I'll put it in the box with the things I'll return to Jane. She may read it...she may not...it might affect her in some way...but it probably won't. But at least Margaret will have the opportunity to express her feelings which is important.
     
    Sam was better later on but I think these bouts will happen from time to time until enough time has passed and she fades from memory. I've gotten rid of pictures in the house so I think that will help both kids out to some extent, along with me too, obviously.
     
    I am pained by what my kids are going through. We trusted her...we had spent the last 7 months before her stroke really building our family. We had done a lot together the four of us and Jane had finally embraced being a step mom. She prided herself on learning how to engage the kids...prided herself in helping Sam learn how to eat carrots...played with us, camped with us, swam with us...
     
    I'm trying to understand this...I just don't...I WANT to understand how she can just walk away without a backwards glance...with no regrets...it is cold and heartless and cruel...to me...to my kids. How can someone I love(d) do this??? How did I miss this part of her? I don't know...
     
    So we are rebuilding...step by step...little by little... But how do I continue to protect my kids from this hurt? Is it even possible?
  21. Robyn
    A short one tonight but I'm hoping I've cracked Sam's issues a bit. He had a great day today at day care. I got him there around 8am because I had to teach this morning. I got there around 11:30am and spent lunch time with him which is apparently his "stress out" time. I ate lunch with him and his friends at the table...meatloaf, stringbeans, mashed potatoes and fruit...then sat with him as he went down for his nap. He didn't actually fall asleep but he sat on his cot nicely and quietly. I eventually left him mid-rest. I returned about 4:30 and he had a GREAT day the rest of the day so I treated him to Chocolate Chip Pancakes for dinner before we went to violin lessons!!!
     
    I think by actually spending time with him during his stressful time and having him know its all going to be OK it helped break up his day. At lunch time he said "So do I get to stay at my school the rest of the day?" (After his crashes, he wants to stay but the center won't let him stay and then that upsets him.) So I said YES and he smiled. This evening he said his school was maybe a little OK.
     
    One day does not mean a victory BUTTTTTTTTTT it is a good sign!!! :Clap-Hands: I'll do this for the next couple of weeks and we'll see what happens!!! :pepper:
     
    On a good note for me...two mornings in a row with NO nausea. YIPPEE!!! And I really feel at peace for the first time in a long time...finally... The stuff I've been doing really works...
  22. Robyn
    Yes...a good visit with the therapist today. It wasn't great earlier...Sam had to be picked up from day care because he was hitting again...teachers mostly. He's on probation at day care so I'm trying to find a therapist for him as well as find something that can help him cope when he feels stressed. The most difficult times seem to be around lunch so I'm going to spend lunch time with him every day and see if that helps. Keep your fingers and toes crossed. So Sam had to join me at the therapy appointment. It was surprisingly productive considering we had to talk "around" him.
     
    What did I learn today? Hmmm...Well, I started by telling the therapist basically what I said in my last entry and list of comments. How I packed things up, how it is helping me prepare to let go ultimately if that is what she wants. It gives me distance so I can basically function in the situation I am in...completely and totally in limbo. In this moment, I have to let go.
     
    So she made an observation...that I am the type of person that jumps in with two feet, always. That I tackle things and try to resolve the issues in front of me. Basically, I have a high internal locus of control...I believe I can manage ANYTHING. Perhaps it comes from years of self-confidence, education, I don't know. Having a PHD I'm sure contributes to that, or perhaps that's what makes me a good academic. But in situations where I am not in control...where I am in limbo...that is INCREDIBLY difficult for me. I fight for information...I struggle...I'm in pain. :Tantrum: It is not a place where I want to stay for very long. I've worked greatly at this...Jane has helped me at some level...my own therapy and spiritual work have also helped me. But this is who I am fundamentally. No judgment...it is just how I deal with situations like this...I'm an information seeker and I fight the limbo. She said others are better able to let go and set things aside like this. We all cope differently. That is just not me. I'm a bull in a china shop...I want the answers and I want solutions.
     
    So she acknowledged that I have spent 5 weeks trying to be calm in this difficult situation. That I have worked hard at trying to be calm in this craziness. Between working with a therapist, and a coach and blogging...plus my own reading and personal work at home, I've made an incredible effort for me to be comfortable in this situation. This is beyond anything I've ever had to deal with and I've done quite well considering my personality. She also understands and acknowledges I may be at my limit to sit quietly and calmly. I'm also someone, in her opinion, that puts a lot of value on building relationship and I put enormous stock in THIS relationship. So I can't stay in a limbo situation for long because it conflicts with my notion of building relationship.
     
    Have I given up? NO NO NO NO NO!!! I haven't. But I can't obsess over it. Can't stay in the place I was in. I told her I still felt "tethered" to Jane, despite my need to try to move on for myself and the kids right now. My door was open...I didn't want to give up, but I knew I couldn't stay so emotionally tied to her because it was destroying me from the inside out and causing problems with my son as well.
     
    So then something occurred to me regarding the reading I recounted the other day about "staying in the middle". Some people find it easier to put their relationship on a back burner and find they can stay in the middle, while I find it much more difficult. My way of coping...my way of staying in that middle place...allowing the worst case scenario to sit on my left hand and the best case scenario sit by my right hand...is to do what I'm doing now. I allow the tether to still be there...I love her immensely, I don't want to give up. But I have to create some emotional distance to get through it all. I'm not so far away because I have the tether so I can reel it all back in and learn to begin anew if that's what she wants. But I can also cut the tether and move on if that is what ends up happening as well. By boxing the stuff and trying to move on IN THIS MOMENT I can function in the manner I need to function right now, creating some emotional distance. Without regular contact, yes, this relationship may very well fade...but that's why I'm keeping the tether and the emotional distance and I'm making peace with the fact it may very well fade.
     
    So as to the question of calling. We discussed that. I didn't want to call today or even this week. My feeling was that if I called after what I construed as a month -- 4 weeks precisely -- if she is more "aware" that might look desperate and clinging. Also, it made sense to perhaps wait another week because it still allowed for her to initiate, if that is something she is capable of doing, and allowed for a more "fluid" notion of "I'll talk to you in a month..." I also know time is sort of relative in her current condition...she may not be THAT aware of time passage. I also wanted to call when I was with my therapist so she could catch me if/when I crumbled or would help me process the call after it occurs. She thought it would be good if we could just leave a message so it didn't feel so overwhelming to Jane to actually pick up the phone and talk to me...so it didn't feel like an intrusion. The last time I called her her cell phone was off and its possible she may turn her cell phone off except when she is making a call so the likelihood I'll get her voicemail is pretty good. Since I don't have a sense of her schedule, it would be hard to say when is a good time to call but we figured during the day was a good bet. So NEXT Tuesday, 2pm her time, I'll call her and we'll see what happens. Bottom line, my therapist thought it would be good to call because either way I'll know by how she responds to the call.
     
    Sherri said in a blog comment that as a stroke survivor she encouraged me not to give up on Jane. I don't want to and I'm not totally right now...but I'm honestly unsure how to fight for her and convince her I do want to be in her life, while respecting the place she's in right now. I guess I have to just wait until I see how she responds to my call. I'll try to tell her in my message that I love her and I'm not going anywhere, that I want to continue to love and support her as she needs, that I hope she is healing, and that I would love to hear about her progress. Any other recommendations??? What do you think she'd need to hear from me???!!!
     
    Anyway...I'm still in a good place. Still IN THIS MOMENT letting go so I can manage right now. But you can't let go of 3 years that easily so NO I'm not completely letting go until she either says its over, which she didn't say in our last phone call, or simply never calls me.
     
    Not much more I can do right now...I found my way to cope until I have the information I need...
  23. Robyn

    Day 29...Packing...

    By Robyn,

    I took off the ring and bracelet she gave me...packed it with other jewelry she gave me and some things of hers that are in my house right now. I'm not leaving, but I'm trying to move forward...not sure if that makes sense. A symbolic gesture but it is enough to move me past the limbo I've been in. In a sense, taking control of my emotional state. If I can stop clinging to those things it enables me to contemplate moving forward and letting go of her if that is what has to happen.
     
    I'm still contemplating if/when I'll reach out to her. Possibly I'll call her...possibly I'll write her a letter. Unsure how much more time to give her...maybe another week. I'll talk to my therapist and see what she has to say...
     
    I'm trying to figure out how to balance her needs and my needs...when do you cross the line to dysfunctional? When does completely respecting her needs become unhealthily ignoring my own feelings and needs? I've given her the month she asked for...but I think it is just wrong to tell me not to contact her family to know what's going on for her. If I continue to do this, when does it stop being a good thing for her and start being a bad thing for me? I could live with talking to her sporadically if I could contact her family...or if they would contact me. I think that is the thing that pushes me over the edge...the "don't talk to my family" state of mind. I continually struggle with that...is it just stroke-based irrationality, or true feelings? I just don't know...and I know that no one but she can answer that and she's not talking to me right now...
     
    So Tuesday I go to the therapist...until then, I wait and continually move on with my life. I'm basically making the peace I need inside of myself to allow myself to let her go...I'm not letting go QUITE YET, but I'm creating the conditions that will allow me to do that if I have to.
  24. Robyn
    From Pema Chodron, Comfortable with Uncertainty:
     
    Openness doesn't come from resisting our fears but from getting to know them well. We can't cultivate fearlessnes without compassionate inquiry into the workings of ego. So we ask ourselves, "What happens when I feel I can't handle what's going on? What are the stories I tell myself? What repels me and what attracts me? Where do I look for strength and in what do I place my trust?"
     
    The first thing that takes place in meditation is that we start to see what's happening. Even though we still run away and we still indulge, we see what we're doing clearly. We acknowledge our aversions and our cravings. We become familiar with the strategies and beliefs we use to fortify our cocoon. With mindfulness as our method we start to get curious about what's going on. For quite a long time, we just see it clearly. To the degree that we're willing to see our indulging and our repressing clearly, they begin to wear themselves out. Wearing out is not exactly the same as going away. Instead, a wider, more generous, more enlightened perspective arises.
     
    How we stay in the middle between indulging and repressing is by acknowledging whatever arises without judgment, letting the thoughts simply dissolve, and then going back to the openness of this very moment. That's what we're actually doing in meditation. Up come all these thoughts, but rather than squelch them or obsess with them, we acknowledge them and let them go. Then we come back to just being here.
     
    After a while, that's how we relate with hope and fear in our daily lives. Out of nowhere, we stop struggling and relax. We see our story line, drop it, and come back to the freshness of the present moment.
     
    ****************************************************
     
    The reading I reflected on last night... I realized that I am OBSERVING the indulging and repressing...I am recognizing it when it happens, but I'm not able yet to let the thoughts go without judgment. I am still letting the highs and lows carry me for awhile. I do eventually grab hold and settle in to a liveable place...so it is something I am working on, but I'm not altogether successful yet. One thing Aruni has told me is that it is the process that matters most...the effort and attempt. Its not about perfection.
     
    So all night and all morning I just continually reminded myself, she may not call...there is nothing you can do about it...she may not call. So I don't despair but don't get overly optimistic either.
     
    Yesterday morning I had a dream...my first positive dream that things may work out. I know dreams are just, in many ways, our subconscious working out our issues to help us cope. But it felt nice.
     
    Today I am going for an outdoor nature walk with some friends and then an early dinner. Keeping busy... I have to go to my office to do some work, too so that will be helpful as well.
  25. Robyn
    I am waving the white flag...if she wants it over, I'm done. It's not fair...it's not what she said she wanted when she was at the rehab hospital but obviously what I thought was going on was not what was going on. I am confused and I don't understand...I've tried. I can understand a difference BEFORE a stroke and then AFTER. But this is all AFTER... One day its "I want to be closer to you and I love you" and then it's "I can't deal...I want space". I can understand if it was just a matter of before and after, but when you change your mind post stroke that tells me there is something else going on... And I'm sorry...that DOES feel like a lie to me...Maybe it isn't to her, but it is to me... That was not the Jane of July 16th...that wasn't even the Jane of August 7th after the stroke...but it became the Jane of August 19th... I want to understand...I want to talk to her...I want to support her...I want to do all I can to help her get better, but she doesn't want me to help. And if that's the case, then that's not the partnership I thought we had...because I believe in "in sickness and in health"...I believe you are supposed to run to your partner's side and offer all your support...you are supposed to declare your love and support...you are supposed to be there in thick and in thin...and she just doesn't want that from me...
     
    So I'm done blogging and posting...I'll let people know if/when she calls and the end result. But it hurts too much to read about relationships that still remain strong even after the stroke. I would love that chance but I'm not being given that chance. THAT is what makes the relationship and the last three years a lie to me... When you say you are "FAMILY" you don't run away...when you say you are "PARTNERS" you don't run away... I'M not running, but it feels like she has closed the door and locked it. I can only beat my head against the door and plaster my nose against the glass so many times before you just have to wave the white flag and say enough...
     
    I'm ready if she wants to end it. I don't want to...I want to still try...but I'm ready if that is what she wants.
     
    And I'm very very very sad...I will never be the same...
     
    Thanks everyone!!