Robyn

I am ready to let it all go...honestly, it is just too hard and hurts too much. I'll see how things go if/when she calls but I'm ready to let it all go if that's what she wants because it is just too painful. I would never leave her but if she wants to end it I won't fight it...I just can't... I appreciate things have changed for her...unfortunately they haven't changed for me...that's what makes this so ugly and unfair. I would give the world to her...I would do ANYTHING for... If the stroke has permanently changed her, I can't fight it...its done... But I have my life and my kids to deal with...If I were her primary caregiver I would do it lovingly and gladly but since she doesn't want it or me...honestly, that is not a partnership to me...that is not "in sickness and in health" which was my pledge to her. It makes me so sad to hear stories of all of you caring for your spouses and having them be so grateful for that in time...that love is still there. I know the care is not easy but I would love to have been given a chance. I feel like I'm not begin given that chance which makes me feel like what we had really wasn't what I thought it was. Sorry...I'm just really really sad...

Phyllis...last time I saw her was 8/10 when I left her at the Rehab Hospital in New Mexico. A week later she left for Cape Cod to do outpatient at Spaulding Institute. I am in St. Louis area. I last spoke with her 8/16 when she asked me not to call her or write her or call her family. She said she wanted space to heal and she felt like there was an underlying discomfort she felt when thinking of our relationship. She said my desire to speak with her often and know what is going on with her was more a reflection of what I wanted rather than what she needed. She said she wanted to be selfish about her time right now and just focus on her healing. I was friendly with those caring for her but I made two calls before she asked me not to call them and neither called me back. Then she asked me not to call so I haven't...I respected her wishes. As for meds...she was on Neurontin, Requip, and a Blood Pressure med when I left New Mexico...I have no idea now. I haven't tried to call her because she asked me not to so I don't know if she would have avoided my calls if I tried. What would Jane have done...if I had asked her to stay away, she would have, just as I have done. But the difference between her and I is that she is the one with the intimacy issues, not me. I'm not sure I would've told her not to call or write or to not be in touch with my family. When her previous partner had surgery, Jane was her spokesperson and caregiver and remarked it made her feel closer to that person because of it. Jane had also said our relationship was FAR closer than anything she ever had with her previous partner...so...I don't know... I'm not sure what the sheet of paper divided would add to my current thinking. In a sense I've done that. I absolutely and completely get the impact the stroke had on her. THe issue for me is whether she has a desire to move beyond that state to recapture the emotional health she had before the stroke. If she does, then I know she'd want to eventually work on the relationship, even if ultimately it didn't work out. If she doesn't then that is not a relationship I want to fight for. What I'm trying to say is that I understand what happened but I'm allowing myself to comfortably walk away if she wants to or if her conditions really don't allow her to continue a relationship. Right now I just don't know what she is thinking...and that IS frustrating. But I have no desire to end it...I'm not giving up on her. Does this make any sense?

First, I want to say...I'm not giving up hope yet...not yet. Really...! But I wrote about this in some of my early journaling that is not on-line...how does one make themselves ready for the worst case scenario while still maintaining hope and presence? I think I've done that. I believe I am prepared for this to end. Not that I want it or think there's a high probability of it happening right now, but I am prepared. And that's also not to say that I won't be angry and hurt and sad and devastated if that is what does indeed happen...but I've created space for that possibility within me. It is sitting there right next to my hope...almost like they are sitting there hand in hand...just waiting for their opportunity to act...waiting to be called up. We are waiting for her call...ready for any eventuality. I was sitting today thinking about what I consider a healthy relationship. Jane has always known that I won't settle for someone who won't talk to me...who pushes me away...who runs instead of confronts the problem. I know she believed that was the healthy way to be as well because she always met me half-way... And when she was tempted to run, she always "self-monitored" and told me she was holding something back, confessed and moved forward communicating with me. I did the same. It was something we were proud of...we knew it was work but we knew it provided for us ENORMOUS rewards by allowing us to be open to the rewards of intimacy and honesty! Anyway, I totally and completely understand that the stroke has created the emotional lability in her...that she is in survival mode...that romantic relationships are NOT a priority right now. I also accept that she has regressed to old comfortable coping mechanisms and "putting up walls"...old pre-relationship territory between us...is where she will be until she develops more emotional wherewithal as time goes on, to conquer her old intimacy fears. I have accepted those fears as part of her history and in the past, as long as she was willing to work past them, I always stayed with her every step of the way. That is how we built trust between us. So that brings us to now...and the possibilities ahead of us. Essentially it comes down to two things... 1) she may WANT this relationship ultimately and WANT to reclaim her past emotional health but is unable to do so right now...she'll want to still keep some distance until she heals more. OR 2) she may want to give up and end this. I know that I am willing and able to stick with her for as long as is needed if she WANTS this relationship to continue. I will wait for her, fight for her, work with her for as long and as hard as it takes to make it happen. AND if its not meant to be after that, then I can accept that, even if it hurts. But if she wants to let this end without even trying, then it feels as if the last 3 years are a lie. I can't explain it but if she wants to end it, it means she doesn't have faith in our relationship...doesn't want to try to return to a place of good emotional health. I can't and won't fight her on that because there is no point. I DON'T WANT IT TO END because I know how good it WAS and CAN be still. But I can accept that is NOT a relationship to me...someone who leaves when the going gets tough...who backs away during the bad times...who doesn't WANT to have an intimate relationship. I would never have been in a relationship with her if that is how things were. They weren't, but I knew that had been her in the past and I knew it was something she worked on all the time. So if that is her choice, then I don't want a relationship under those terms. I deserve better...I deserve the best in all honesty. I think being able to accept that I WOULDN'T want a relationship under those circumstances allows me to accept that is a possibility and sit with it. Does that make me a bad person? No...because I am not the person who would be leaving...I don't want to leave. I don't want to end it...but I don't want a relationship under those terms either. So...here's another question...let's say she wants to end it now but realizes over the next 6 months or so that she made a mistake...that running away and leaving the relationship was foolish and an error. That she regained the expected clarity after the stroke and realizes that she wants to try again...doesn't want to lose what we had. Do I accept that...do I try again? I have kids...it is hard now explaining to them why we haven't heard from Jane. It will be even harder to explain why Jane doesn't want to be a part of our family any more if that's what happens. How do I let her in our lives again? How do I protect my kids? CAN I protect my kids? I know that no one can answer these questions and trying to answer it isn't exactly being present...in THIS moment. But that is out there for me... I also know it is several steps ahead of where things are right now so I don't see any point in trying to "WHAT IF" the situation. But I don't want it to end, nor do I necessarily think it will end. But that chance is there...I'm not sure what odds I would give it but I guess maybe there is a 30-ish % chance she may want to walk away...maybe 20%...hard to tell because I haven't spoke with her in almost a month. I know she is only getting better in that time, but I don't know...it is still hard to judge. I think all the signs are good she'd hang in there until time heals her a bit... As I said in a previous blog, the advantages are that she was emotionally strong BEFORE the stroke and I know post stroke she wanted to retain that emotional strength and was working towards it. Another advantage is the connection we had while at rehab...that doesn't just disappear...the words and sentiments shared just don't disappear. Anyway...I know I had been resisting even allowing that as a possibility. The "suffering" I have been feeling has been my resistance to that as a possibility. But I think I have found a way to keep my hope, but allow for the possibility of it ending to be there...hanging out...just sitting and waiting. Hoping not to be called to action, but it has to be there and ready, just in case. I am accepting there are just things I can't control and life will toss me what it will toss me...and I will survive...

Each day your confidence will come back!! You are doing great and finishing that diss is going to be a HUGE confidence booster. Good gracious even people without strokes struggle at this point in time in the process. You are INCREDIBLE for finishing this post-stroke! You are going to do great because you want to!!!

:hug:

Good evening love...how are you today? Honestly I'm pretty wiped. I have a ton of work to do still and then I need to sleep. I didn't sleep well last night between the kids going to bed late and then getting up in the middle of the night to come visit me. I just wanted to check in...tell you I love you and that I miss you. I'm not going anywhere... Please please get better!!! I look forward to talking to you soon! I am holding you in my arms and in my heart and in my dreams!!! I love you I love you I love you!!! XOXOXOXOXOXO

I'm not feeling overly "bloggy" today. Mostly tired...mostly drained...doing OK. Therapy was challenging today...I really confronted the source of my insecurities. No need to get into it here but I'm feeling a little spent from addressing them. I was also brought back to my initial observations in my first two blogs about what is going on for Jane right now...her relationship demons intersecting with my demons, exacerbated by the stroke. The stroke has made her unable to address her demons right now...and her pulling away evokes my own insecurities. That is what I was brought to... The hope is time will allow her to develop the emotional strength to fight back her insecurities about intimacy...to be willing to fight back and relearn to trust our relationship again. Everyone says TIME HEALS...especially with strokes. She was emotionally strong before this so that is an advantage. Another advantage is that when we were together, the connections seemed to be there...all the groundwork to make this work. My therapist said to be sure NOT to push...not to cling and not to pressure her...just talk to her when she calls. That, of course, was my plan but I am understanding more and more why that is important and imperative. So I'm trying to breathe and remind myself to be careful as we talk...when we talk...when she calls... Hopefully that will be soon...

Wonderful news...I hope that continues to work for you!

Oy...busy day today...back to Monday teaching and running out the door at 8am. I'm wiped and both kids are still resisting sleep. This after a long day at school where I taught also this evening until 9pm. How was your day today? I was thinking of you, of course, as always...! I'm always wondering during the day, what is she doing now? What is she thinking? What is she working on? I get my work done believe it or not, but there's this constant hum of you in my mind... I was especially mindful of you today because it was September 11th and you know that is sort of a sacred day to me. We typically spend this time together as you remember, and we had anticipated you spending it with me again before the stroke happened too. The day really wasn't as hard for me as I had thought...as it had been in the past. Other things have taken priority...basically YOU and YOUR situation. I'm so worried about you... It is unbelievably difficult to not be able to talk to your family and know what is going on... The issues of 9/11 are not that meaningful to me in comparison. All I want...all my focus is on you to get better! I just want you to get better... I have so much love to give you...I hope you can see and understand that... I finished reading yours and Lil's paper and I sent her an email talking about coordinating the rewrite and reanalysis. Hopefully we'll get to that soon. I also reread our other paper and am thinking about how to rewrite that and edit it down. So yes, I'm keeping busy... I need to sleep and I still have to check-in with Aruni...so I'm going to say goodnight to you. I love you...I miss you...sweet dreams my darling...I am holding you in my arms!!! I am holding you in my dreams...!!! XOXOXOXOXO

Phyllis...thank for sharing. No...I didn't get the call and in all honesty didn't really expect to. That doesn't mean I didn't hold a LITTLE hope out but honestly I didn't expect it so I'm not really disappointed. She said she'd call me in a month...that is more important to me than a reminder of a day that was transformative to me but is really in the past. It does pale in comparison to wanting Jane to heal and learn to trust me and our love again. I know it will take a bit longer...its only been 7 weeks...I know she loves me and I love her...and in time it will be OK... That's what I have to believe right now...

Thanks Jean...! That means a lot coming from you!

Thanks Tina...and thanks for sharing about your sister. I wish I had been afforded the luxury of an understanding family growing up but that didn't happen. But I decided, no matter what, that I would be true to me now. I've never regretted it!

In some ways this day sort of pales in comparison to what I am dealing with now...a partner whom I love who is struggling to heal from a stroke...who is shutting me out. Jane has spent the last few years with me on this day...for support. She knows this is a day that changed my life in so many ways. I'm trying not to think, maybe she'll call...maybe she'll remember...because its really not that important right now, remembering this day relative to her healing. But I'd be lying if I said there wasn't a small part of me that would love to hear her voice today...just for a moment...just to hear her say "I'm thinking of you". Strangely she has always been the first person to tell people about my 9-11 experience. It seems weird not to share it with her today. As for my experience...why it is the best/worst day of my life...that's today story. I lived on Staten Island, was working at a university in lower Manhattan. I caught the 8:10 ferry that morning...a lovely 30 minute cruise into the SI Terminal near Battery Park. Typically I sat in the front, on the deck, taking in the sea breeze, watching the majesty of lower Manhattan loom into view. The sky was perfectly clear...it was the second week of the semester, and I had a 10am class that morning. We docked at 8:40am...I immediately went into the subway tunnel...2-3 stops and I'd be at City Hall which would take me to work, right across the street from City Hall and at the base of the Brooklyn Bridge. We waited for the subway..."Smoke condition at the World Trade Center"...nothing new under the sun there...this happens all the time on the subway system. So a few moments later, a subway arrives. They won't be stopping at the WTC but warned people to get off either right before or right after the WTC stop. As we approached the stop underground, however, we were told they'd let people ON, but NO ONE was to get off because of the smoke condition. Whatever... We stop, someone gets on all frazzled..."A plane hit the WTC..." Many of us laughed...yup...and martians have landed on the moon. Stuff like that doesn't happen...perhaps it was a small commuter plane, like the one that hit the Empire State Building so many years ago...but a jetliner...HA HA HA...not likely. I prepared to get off at the next stop. As I emerged from the subway stairs, you could smell smoke and you could see a plume come from the first tower hit...papers flying everywhere...a surreal scene. SOMETHING DID HAPPEN...the person wasn't kidding... Fortunately my job was on the OPPOSITE side of Broadway from the towers so I could walk across City Hall Park and be in my office and not have to be closer than about 4 blocks from the WTC. As I began my trek across the park I looked up...saw the second jet aim for the other tower...heard a giant explosion...saw the fireball surround both buildings. I grabbed a woman walking next to me and we both did the "duck and cover" the kids learned in the 50's...not that there was any place to really duck but we ran for a few moments in case the fireball dropped down on us. Nothing...at that point it was contained at the towers. The sky was filled with helicopters...the streets were filled with people and police and firefighters and ambulances...a cacaphony of chaos more intense than the normal hub bub of peak commuting hour in downtown Manhattan. It was surreal. We were mesmerized by the destruction in front of us. Flames, smoke. papers flying...people jumping...beyond description... I went into my office. My mom was in Newark Airport awaiting a flight out. Thankfully, flights were grounded before she was even supposed to take off. But I didn't know that for a while...I worried one of those planes could have had her on it...we had no idea where they came from. Only that they had found their final resting place in lower Manhattan. I watched the news...the Pentagon had been hit...another plane had crashed in Pennsylvania...WHAT THE F*CK was going on??? We were being attacked, that much was sure. I cancelled class and decided I had enough...time to go home. Back outside into the chaos to make my way down to the ferry terminal. Decided to walk since it was unlikely the subways would be running reliably right now. I started out down Nassau Street. It runs parallel to Broadway and eventually merges into Broad Street when it passes the Stock Exchange. Figured that would be OK...enough of a buffer between me and the flames. Two blocks down the street and I hear another horrific crash...ANOTHER PLANE???? I had no idea...I was blocked by tall buildings. Three of us who were walking down the street suddenly found ourselves plastered against a building...shielding each other from the unknown. Then you heard screams...here comes a cloud...!!! So I ran east...towards the seaport. I figured if the flames were heading our way, the safest place was the water, even if it WAS the polluted East River. I could hop on a boat and perhaps even make my way down to the ferry terminal to get back to Staten Island. Once I got to the seaport, the sky was dark with soot and smoke and papers and debris...the sun was blocked out. I couldn't see anything. I tried to make my way to the ferry terminal. I saw one man whose back and legs were not exactly in alignment lying on the ground with people comforting him. Computers broken...briefcases laid open with papers flying about. People look they are emerging from nuclear winter... Another major crash...still couldn't see ANYTHING. I approach the ferry terminal...I'm refused entry...lower manhattan is closed and I have to make my way north. I start walking up the FDR and I'm refused entry to the exit that will take me over the Brooklyn Bridge...the easiest route to where I want to go...the dust cloud has covered the roadway and they won't let me walk through it. I'd have to go further north to the next accessible bridge...the Williamsburg. I overhear a group of people saying they were heading to Staten Island...figured there was strength in numbers so I tag along. I don't remember their names but they remain engraved in my memory as wonderful people. It is impossible to get a call through on my cell...cell towers are disabled...circuits are busy. As we head north I look back..."Where are the towers? Is the smoke still covering them?" NOPE...they're gone...fallen!! HOW??? WHEN??? WHAT DID I MISS? Then I remembered those horrific unknown crashes and I knew that is when it happened... If I wasn't in shock before, I was now. I kept walking...into Brooklyn...blocks in until I reached a subway station, as yet still not running, and settled down to eat something. I was still picking the dust and debris out of my hair and nose and mouth and clothes. The rest of the day was a blur...just trying to get home from subway to subway and bus and car...I got home around 5pm...left the house at 8am. The worst part is that my house used to have the most spectacular view...I could sit on my porch or in my bedroom and see the NY harbor, the statue of libery, the WTC and the Brooklyn Bridge all in one panoramic view. Now all I saw was flames and smoke and destruction. And I had just brought my bedroom curtains to the cleaners so I couldn't shut it out...couldn't close off and forget what was happening. It was the worst day for obvious reasons...no need to go into that. Why was it the best day? Well...it truly made me realize that life is short. I had been struggling before this with accepting what I had always tried to ignore...that I was a lesbian...that I was more attracted to women than men. But I lived in a bubble...didn't want to hide it or deal with it so I locked it all away. But then 9-11 happened and all the locks fell away and the door was wide open...I couldn't ignore it because all my defense mechanisms were shot to hell... It was finally there, staring me in the face and I had to deal with it...had to lead a more authentic life. The next two years were ugly...individual therapy, couples therapy...then a decision to embrace my life and accept me for who I am. Doing that enabled me to really grow emotionally and spiritually...it enabled me to open the door to allow Jane into my life...showed me a depth of love I had NEVER EVER EVER thought possible for me...I figured it was a fantasy...someone else's dream but not for me. And then I met Jane and that was all I needed to know. I could have that love. So 3 years have gone by since we met...since I opened up my heart to a love I never thought possible. We both thought we had found nirvana...had found our soulmate... So if you want to know why this point in time is so difficult, so hard to comprehend...read my story...know my heart...know that I've been through some pretty horrific changes in the last 5 years beyond anyone's comprehension. That I had come through it more whole, more at peace and more in love than I ever thought possible for one human being. It was the best day for me because it really made me realize that I am strong, and I am worth love...the best possible love imaginable, no matter what, and I won't settle for second best. I miss Jane...I am strong, I love her and I'm not ready to give up hope yet because life is too short... I'd rather live through a dozen 9-11's than have her go through what she is going through right now. I want to make it all better, and I can't... I just want to hold her in my arms, and make it all go away for while. All I can do is hope and pray that the love that we shared sustains us. I can't wait to talk to her soon...even if its not today...

Amy...your brain is naturally doing that as a protection mechanism. I'm glad you are aware that it is purely hypothetical. You can't go there right now because it isn't real. But you are strong...you'd do it if you had to because that is who you are!!! But don't let yourself get mired down in the "what ifs" because they take you out of THIS MOMENT, which is a joyful one that you have a husband and daughter who love you IMMENSELY! Rest in that joy. My blog deals with a lot of my struggles to stay present and not worry about hypotheticals...exactly what you are talking about in your blog today. I welcome you to read through it...you may find my musings comforting.

The beginning of another week... So what are you thinking about right now? What is the plan for THIS week? Tomorrow is 9-11...I'm wondering if you will remember how hard that day is for me. You always talk about it with people...tell them of my experience...I wonder if you'll think of me tomorrow... I had a nice day today. Met a very nice and very interesting woman. She and her son met us at the zoo...the kids got along GREAT! He is a charming kid and Nathalie seems like she will be a very nice friend. It's just good to be able to hang out with another person from the lesbian community. Since leaving NY I have felt very disconnected, you know? I have to get back to work, my dear...getting ready for class tomorrow but I wanted to tell you how much I love you and want to continue to support you as you need and want to be supported. As I've said before, all you have to do is ask and it is yours. I love you more than anything and all I want is for you to get better. I hope this time has been good for you...I keep hoping when we talk again that there will be more peace and clarity for you. Even if its just incremental, I hope the progress is positive. I would love very much to come see you, even if just for a few hours at the end of the month...I think it would be good for us to just sit and talk. I hope you feel better such that a visit from me would feel OK. I love you...I miss you...I'm waiting for you...I'm not going anywhere!!! I am holding you in my arms!!! Sweet dreams... XOXOXOXOX

Welcome to blogs...this is a great place to process and just document progress. I can attest to the fact it REALLY works!! I wish you and your family the best through this journey...I can't imagine what I'd do if my child went though this! You are brave and strong!!

You're welcome!!! :hug:

I am continually amazed at the resilience of humans. OK...amazed at my own resilience, too! I mean, heck, this is my blog and my blog is all about me, right? Yesterday, I struggled in the doldrums...holding on to negatives...struggling to push them away. I did, but it was hard. Today, again, almost polar opposite. As I said awhile ago, I really am getting the notion of riding the waves of life. The pleasure and restful nature of the UPS and the struggle and pain of the DOWNS... Yes, I know this is old territory in my blogs, but I'm seeing this in a richer and deeper way today. Pema Chodron, a Tibetan Buddhist, in her book Comfortable with Uncertainty said: THE FIRST NOBLE TRUTH SAYS THAT IT'S PART OF BEING HUMAN TO FEEL DISCOMFORT. NOTHING IN ITS ESSENCE IS ONE WAY OR THE OTHER. ALL AROUND US THE WIND, THE FIRE, THE EARTH, THE WATER, ARE ALWAYS TAKING ON DIFFERENT QUALITIES; THEY'RE LIKE MAGICIANS. WE ALSO CHANGE LIKE THE WEATHER. WE EBB AND FLOW LIKE THE TIDES, WE WAX AND WANE LIKE THE MOON. WE FAIL TO SEE THAT LIKE THE WEATHER, WE ARE FLUID, NOT SOLID. AND SO WE SUFFER. ...[W]E RESIST THAT WE CHANGE AND FLOW LIKE THE WEATHER, THAT WE HAVE THE SAME ENERGY AS ALL LIVING THINGS. WHEN WE RESIST, WE DIG IN OUR HEELS. Yesterday as I read that message at the end of the day I had that notion of trying to fight/control things...that I was resisting being uncomfortable and the mechanisms I was using to protect myself, yet again...the "ITS OVER...HOW CAN SHE DO THIS!?!" mantra...danced all over me and caused the suffering. It ISN'T OVER...she isn't DOING THIS TO ME...but that's my own ego, trying to protect me from hurt, which, in the long run really only causes more suffering. FASCINATING and AMAZING to actually see these writings and musing in practice!!!!!! This is never really something I saw before. The harder thing to admit is that things may change...this MAY end up with us not being together. I don't think this is true. certainly not based on the time we had in the rehab hospital and what other stroke survivors have told me may be going on for her, but it IS within the realm of possibilities. And I do have to face that as well...I'm resisting that too. It isn't something I'm ready to concede right now and frankly there is no reason to do that. There is nothing said between us that says "this is totally over". There is an ENORMOUS amount of love and connection between us...that doesn't disappear with a stroke. Yes, it is hard to focus on when all your body and mind wants to do is survive BUT that connection is there and I know she knows that because she acknowledged it and felt it too. BUUUUUUUUUUUTTTTTTTTT...it could happen...and I AM resisting that, hence the pain from that as well. I think I was trying to work through that yesterday, as well, and honestly I'm just not ready to do that. That is for the future...not now. So I'm back to this notion of WITNESSING myself go through this experience. Taking a few steps back and reflecting on how my spiritual lessons are manifesting themselves in my life right now. And I remain AMAZED!!! It works...it REALLY works! Does that mean I've MASTERED this...:hahaha: UM...nope...but it means I can see it for what it is and that's positive. Today was overall very nice. The kids and I returned to the zoo and met a new friend and her son for the day. We had a great time and eventually left the zoo, went back to her place, then off to a coffee shop to play cards and hang out some more. The kids got along great...and she and I had fun chatting. We plan on spending more time together as friends which is cool. She is fascinating...is a social worker...has dual citizenship in South Africa...has traveled all over! She is interesting and it was a pleasure to have a nice, adult/semi-intellectual conversation about the world as we see it! This is another example of accepting changes...that I don't have my close network of friends from back east right now and now that I'm in a new location I have to make new friends...another change. So far so good...this one was a lot easier than the other stuff but still. So I end the day...still need to get a bunch of work done...but I'm STILL AMAZED...

I was 4 blocks away watching the whole thing happen...thankfully didn't lose anyone I knew personally but it was awful living among all that death and sadness for a long time. I'm still bothered by the whole thing...can't really watch anything 9-11 oriented.

Happy Birthday to Mike...and congrats on making it 1 year post stroke! I'm sorry your cousin is so awful...I hope she cleans her act up! :hug:

Good for you...working is therapeutic in so many ways. It is symbolic of all you've accomplished...bravo!

Love ya kiddo! :hug: CoQ10 is a great thing to take for anything brain related as far as I understand.

How are you? How was your weekend so far? Did you do anything fun? Kind of a mellow day today. After violin we went bowling at the student union at school...much cheaper than back east. The kids were well behaved and Margaret even beat me, although we did use the bumpers! Sam did OK as well. I got some work done today for lecture on Monday. I have more to do tomorrow but I'm in good shape for Monday. Shelly called today...she brought someone over to see my house...the woman may be interested in buying it. I would be incredibly grateful if it sold...I'm getting desperate financially speaking. Taking money out of my retirement which is not a good idea. I'm really missing you, sweetie. My whole being is filled with you...thinking of you...worrying about you... Wondering how things are going for you. I just really really miss you... It is so hard to be apart from you... I know this is what you need but I guess I just really feel the distance between us today. Anyway, I have to go to sleep...I'm tired and we're going to the zoo tomorrow...gotta be there by 10:30am I love you, I miss you, I am waiting for you...I am here with open arms!!! Sweet dreams sweetie and I am holding you!!! XOXOXOXOXO

Thanks Mel!!! SMOOOOCH! Keep smiling love and sleep tight! Rest when your body says to rest!!!

Another pretty good day with the kids. Sam hit Margaret at some point this morning but a swift time out and some talking afterwards and that situation was resolved. They played well the rest of the day, other than the typical bickering that happens among siblings. We had Group Violin lessons today and afterwards had lunch and then went bowling at the student union on campus. I'm STUNNED at how cheap it is...$1.25/person for shoes and then $2.00/game...regardless of the number of people. I know from past experience that Sam doesn't do well with more than 1 game so we played just one game, the lanes were basically empty, and it was $5.75 for some afternoon entertainment. Back east it would've been a $30 day between food and bowling...I LOVE the midwest! Margaret beat me...of course she bounced off the bumpers much of the time but she had a good game otherwise. I couldn't get a rhythm with the ball because I couldn't find a 10 lb ball with the holes big enough for my fingers...ah well. I'm not a great bowler, but I have fun. Typically I can break 100...I've had as high as 140-ish, but not today!! :hahaha: The kids made a playhouse in my bedroom...my bedroom is basically the basement family room so it is pretty spacious, even filled with my furniture and stuff. Now they are watching cartoons hanging out in their little cubby space. This enabled me to do my own personal work today on the computer...scanning material and getting lectures ready for Monday...while still hanging together. Tomorrow we are going to meet a new friend and her son at the zoo. I'm looking forward to getting out and meeting some new folks. It'll be nice. She and her girlfriend recently broke up so it'll be nice to lean a bit on each other! I got a call from a friend who said she brought someone over to see my house back east. The woman seemed interested in it so we'll see if it will sell...I can ONLY hope!!! Keep your fingers and toes crossed!!! Even though I've been better about navigating the highs and lows lately, today I struggled getting out of a low. I felt some despair I guess because I was mindful 3 weeks had passed since I last spoke with Jane...she said we'd talk in a month but who knows what that means...will it be next Saturday on the nose? Probably not so I'm trying not to count on it. Perhaps because the time is coming closer I am also steeling myself for the worst case scenario. I still have faith...overall I am OK...but I'm still cautious... I finally sat at dinner and was able to push it aside...reminding myself that I won't know anything until we talk...and that it has ONLY been 7 weeks since the stroke so this isn't going to happen overnight. Flooded myself with the positive memories of the last 3 years and even the time I spent with her in the rehab hospital. Still breathing...still hopeful...still hanging in there... ...Taking baby steps...