Robyn

June, I can't concentrate JUST on the kids, any more than your husband or anyone else's wife could have just walked away from their spouse/significant other. I cannot and will not move on yet. I have a comittment which is as strong and as meaningful as any marital vow, even without the legal documents. Even if we don't speak often right now I am committed. We are a family in every sense of that word and her stroke has affected ALL OF US. My son said he dreamed about Jane last night. My daughter prays every night for Jane to get better and return to our family...so this has had an impact on each of us. Moving on isn't an option right now...not yet...not while there is still hope.

Agreed...what Jean said...that paragraph resonated with me as well. Being a step parent isn't easy and you may still be seen as an interloper of sorts, no matter how much things have been resolved since you and Bill got married. As many have told me, illness can bring out some tough unresolved stuff for people...just as Jane's sister has not dealt with her own unresolved stuff. Let your love for Bill and for Trey shine through...he'll see it eventually! :hug:

Love transcends all physical conditions!! There is true love in Ray even if he doesn't have the physical abilities any more. Hold on to that as its precious...

Yet another week done...congrats!! How does it feel...are you making progress? I know the talk was that you'd get your neuro and neuro psych evals while at Spaulding...has that happened yet? Where do they say the deficits are and has that changed your care at all? Sam had a better day at school today. I think allowing him some time to cry and talk last night helped him. I am excited...I got invited to moderate a session at a conference in Florida in February dealing with MBA curriculum reform. They will pay my expenses! They are going to have someone from Yale and someone from RPI talking about what they've done with their programs. They wanted me to talk because of my OBTC presentations but since I don't work at RPI anymore I couldn't exactly represent RPI's interests any longer. But they still wanted me as the moderator which is really cool! I recommended they contact Victor Vroom as the rep from Yale...your buddy Victor!! I should have it all firmed up in about 2 weeks. Research is beginning to move along. I am going to work on our paper, edit it down, and send it off to the Western Academy Meeting. Kevin and Kristine were agreeable and supportive so I decided to make the effort. I'm also finally going to collect the data on the email harassment project. Plus I am going to finish a bit more data collection for the technophobia project with Lois and we should be able to wrap that up by the end of the year. Between these projects, plus a few others on the burners, I think if they land I've got a good chance at tenure here which is great! It will be nice to not worry. I like SIUE so far. I was involved in a meeting today regarding an award Enterprise Rent A Car wants to implement on campus. They wanted some of us involved with student groups (I'm the SHRM advisor) to help them come up with the award criteria. I think I was a big hit...the Dean liked my ideas and it looks like they'll be the framework for the award. It's nice to be appreciated!! I have stuff to do to get ready for class on Monday so once the kids are done watching videos...YUP...they're watching Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer in September...:hahaha: ...I'll get to work downstairs scanning stuff and putting them in my powerpoint for my Monday evening lecture. The closing credits for the video are on the screen so I'm going to sign off to get them to bed at a reasonable hour. Violin lessons tomorrow in the morning plus I have to go to the postoffice tomorrow before that...sigh... I love you so very much...I hope you can feel that...I hope this fog lifts soon so you can remember the love and connection we share. I'm patient...I'm not going anywhere. I can't wait to hear from you and hear how you are doing. I love you more than I ever imagined possible! Have sweet dreams my dear, I am holding you in my arms, as I do EVERY NIGHT!!! You are in my heart and my soul!! XOXOXOXO

Thanks...I appreciate you saying that!!! It is hard and there's no right way to do this but I'm trying!!

Best of luck with the interview...I look forward to seeing it on the news. Let us know about the airdate!!

It's nice to have time on your own! I hope the cat provides you with enough entertainment for the time being!!!

Sam had a better day today. We had a firm discussion that despite his unhappiness and desire to go "back to his old school" he had to be nice to his new classmates and he could not hit them or his teachers. I think allowing him to cry and talk about his sadness last night helped him. I'm amazed that even at 4 he was in touch with his feelings and could verbalize them. I guess I've done a pretty good job raising my kids if he can talk about what's bothering him with some clarity. This afternoon as I picked them up, I wanted to reward them for good behaviors...decided to get some videos and a treat. They just disintegrated in the video store...pushing each other, rolling eyes, sarcastic talk...typical sibling bickering and 9 year old drama...sigh... I put the candy and the videos back and we left the store. I won't tolerate poor behaviors, especially when I'm trying to do something nice for them. It's as if they thought it was an entitlement. LOTS and LOTS of tears on the way home and then I put them in their rooms. Ultimately, I got an unsolicited apology from my 9 year old daughter which was a victory for sure. My son had to be prodded a bit but that's typical of 4 year olds. It is hard managing kids, especially by yourself. Regardless of the issues with Jane, which ARE a bit of an emotional drain on me right now, it isn't easy being a single parent. There was a fleeting moment a few weeks ago that I considered giving the kids up to go back to their dad full time. It was fleeting, but I was feeling so overwhelmed with everything...new job...solo parenting...Jane's stroke...and I wasn't even going to be her caregiver!!! EVERYTHING felt so crazy. I realized I could do it and I collected myself and pulled it together. But, yeah...it was tough. I love my kids and enjoy having them with me full time rather than bouncing back and forth between both parents as they did for a few years. I think this stability IS, in the long run, better for them although the transition is going to be rough. Obviously, the issues with Jane complicate things. Both kids miss her...and they also sense my own sad feelings about it all. I am involved with them...movies, swimming pool, violin...I'm making it happen, but I'd be lying if I said it was easy. Being in limbo right now makes it tough. I'm trying to bring back some day to day joy, but I'm just not able to go there fully yet. I've talked about that with my therapist. She said making it happen...getting them to school, studying with them, playing with them, even if it isn't "perfect" right now is OK. It doesn't feel perfect...and I DO feel bad about that, but I am human and I am hurting. How do you do your job as a parent while simultaneously allowing yourself to feel worry and pain and hurt and concern for a loved one? Is there a "right way" to do it? I suppose not... Jane and I always made the kids a priority with respect to OUR relationship. When her father died, I couldn't go to the funeral because Margaret got sick at the last minute. I was able to go to the memorial service last August...a year ago, but I missed the actual funeral. She always knew and accepted that kid issues were a priority. You might think that is a no brainer but I had seen so many friends who struggled with leaving a marriage and coming out and just left their children in the wake...moved in with new loves within weeks of meeting them. That just wasn't what Jane and I were about. We moved deliberately and slowly. Built our friendship, let things grow and nurture. Because most of our relationship was on the phone we learned to talk about EVERYTHING and work it out ALWAYS. We demanded and got brutal honesty from each other about our relationship. The kids were ALWAYS a priority and she had finally embraced being a step mom. So yeah...this is tough and this situation affects all of us. I don't know if there is a right way to handle this and the kids. But at least I'm trying. I'm just looking forward to talking with her some time soon to see how things are going...I miss her horribly...

Oh gosh...there's nothing in Alton...or Edwardsville for that matter. Barnes-Jewish in St.L. is a wonderful resource so I hope they can help. They're highly ranked for neurology too which is great. That was my concern bring Jane here...I wasn't sure there'd be good resources in Edwardsville but I figured there would be in St.L. Good to know there are resources in case things change in the future. Since we are so close -- 15 minutes-ish, if I can be of any support, let me know!!! :hug:

Amazing what kids will share and when!!! I agree with June...she will carry that experience with her for a long time!

I agree...I was very mindful of that last night!!! That's why I laid with him for over an hour and we hugged and talked and I just let him express his worries and concerns. You are absolutely right! :hug:

Tina...anniversaries always carry mixed blessings. On the one hand, it is a memory of something that was devastating yet on the other hand, think of how far he has come in a year! Focus on the positives and the day will be a celebration! From your entry I can see you are near St. Louis...I am in Edwardsville, IL, right across the mighty Mississippi. Are you in Illinois or Missouri? As for comprehensive care...I don't have first hand experience with this sort of stuff but if the Rehab Institute has the experience with stroke patients then that could be beneficial, even one year post stroke. I know Jane is at Spaulding Institute in Massachusetts which is one of the best for stroke rehab so I feel confident they are really focusing on her needs.

Wow Sam had a tough day today...poor guy...he misses he old school...misses his old teachers and friends...misses his dad...misses our old house...misses you... His life has been turned on its head and he's just 4 trying to deal with it all. He has been lashing out at the new school...hitting his teachers, pushing classmates. The positive reinforcement worked for about a week but he's still struggling. Today was not good. I actually had to stop by school to calm him down for the afternoon. He was better after that until he got home and then he just fell apart. Too much for him...I just stayed with him in his room for about an hour until he calmed down and went to sleep. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. Anyway...How are you? How was your day? It's OFFICIALLY 7 weeks since your stroke. How are you feeling about that? Do you think you are making progress? What still scares you? I'm plugging away. Good therapy session today. I'm pleased with my new therapist. I think she'll take me to the next step, beyond what Diane did. Diane could only take me so far...I don't think she pushed me enough towards the end. She was wonderful for those initial issues and struggles but I needed something more. I'm glad I have Joy right now. She's really strong and really different from Diane. I spent the afternoon in my office and got some work done for research...things are moving forward which is nice. I rented Brother Bear 2 today for the kids. It reminded me of you because I remember you watched the original Brother Bear and it really forced you to confront your feelings for me. That was the last time we had to maintain some silence and distance between us...it was a productive time for us, as this is I'm sure as well. Even though the silence between us is difficult for me right now, I know it is what you need and I'm supportive, my dear...whatever you need, it is yours. This movie wasn't as good as the original but it was still nice. Sequels are RARELY as good as the original, as you know. I TRULY MISS YOU!!!!!! I'm REALLY am concerned about you and your progress!!!! I hope you are getting better every minute and are having the peace of mind and comfort you need right now. I am going to say goodnight! I love you...I miss you...I am here and am not going anywhere!!! Have sweet dreams and I am holding you in my arms!!! :wub2: XOXOXOXOXOX

You are right...everyone recovers at their own rate. That was a very informative blog...thanks!

Three Cheers for Independence!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :Clap-Hands:

It was insensitive but don't internalize it...perhaps she didn't know you had a stroke. Either way...as June said, you are doing your best and that's ALL that matters. The two people who's opinion count the most are YOURS and your husband's...no one else matters! :hug:

That's what both my therapist and my coach told me...I am "In the Process"...I am doing ALL I can do right now to cope. It doesn't really get any better than this based on the circumstances. When things are good, I can rest in those moments...when I start to cycle downward, I am better able to recognize this and not let things overwhelm me. I just refocus and recommit to a better attitude...pull myself up by the bootstraps so to speak. I was wondering if there was something else I should be doing, but Aruni said NO...this is it...adapting as things feel bad...reveling when things feel good. Not a small victory by any stretch!!! I'm really damn proud of myself...not to brag...but heck, it sucks right now and I'm just trying to get through every day with confidence and presence. This is the first time in my life I've really internalized what this journey of life is really about. Granted this is something I've been working on for years, but since January with a real concerted effort, and I think I FINALLY REALLY get it! I've gotten through moments and journeys before but this is different...really different. I think the support I have right now is exactly what I need for this time in my life. A spiritual/life coach and a therapist poised to help me through the next phase of my self-exploration and healing. I'm thrilled my weight has FINALLY stabilized. When I left Colorado on July 16th I was about 185 pounds. With all this craziness, I have lost over 20 pounds...22 to be exact...in a very short period of time. WHEW... Now I'm 5' 9" 163 pounds which is just about where I want to be. And with more mindful eating habits I have maintained this weight for about a week which is good. Now I want to exercise more to tone up things. This morning I really battled back the nausea and malaise that hits me each morning. That felt like a victory too! I had a banana and a bagel and tea for breakfast and a hotdog and soda for lunch. OK...not an extraordinarily healthy lunch but I've always loved hot dogs so what the heck. :dribble: Dinner will either be pasta or pizza...since we had pizza on Tuesday maybe pasta would be better. Maybe I can find some pesto somewhere as the kids love it and I miss eating it. The last 3 years have been amazing. The love I have felt...the connection we have shared has been such a gift! Finally finding your soulmate is beyond description...especially since I had given up hope and belief that such a thing could even happen. She has told me the same...we believe we were both waiting for each other...for the moment when we could be together. This is our time now but right now we are apart. That's OK because the love is strong...the love will sustain us. I do believe that...it feels real and true to me...not just a delusion or a fantasy. She will call in time and things will continue to grow...slowly, but they will grow and reconnect and be richer and healthier and more meaningful. Asha said sometimes there are things to learn in these moments of crisis. YUP...and it isn't just dealing with my own discomfort with this uncertainty, but its also very much about finding me and my strength again...bringing me back to an overall place of health, emotionally speaking, and SUSTAINING this as time goes on in my life, not just when crises become so overwhelming it nearly destroys me. I have to build something good and meaningful here and now for me. I am on the right path...I am "In The Process". Life and living isn't a destination, but a process...

I'm definitely blogging for me, THANKS!!! Yes...it does effect everyone, unfortunately the stroke survivor doesn't recognize that for a while, if ever. I'm hoping this time and space has really helped her clear her head. I'm just continuing to do my work to make myself healthy and comfortable with this new situation. I keep hoping and praying she'll come around in time...that's what everyone has told me should happen so I'll just keep up the faith!

Thanks Ruth and Jean...I am heading towards a better place. It is still a journey and a process but both my therapist and my coach have said that I'm doing all I can do to manage this situation and its frustrations. I'm enjoying the UPS when they happen and am not letting myself stay in the DOWNS when they come back to haunt me. Its a roller coaster ride for sure. I miss her and I'm worried about her but I've accepted this is how it has to be right now. I think in time it WILL be fine but I'm just having to learn a lot about myself until then... Thanks for all your support. I don't know about telling Jane about the site yet. I don't know how our next conversation will go but I DO know she's getting plenty of physical, cognitive, and emotional support at Spaulding and with her therapist/coach so I'm thinking right now she has what she needs. I think in time yes she should know about this place but frankly, if I may be a BIT selfish, I need this place as my refuge and it would be hard for me to be honest and share what's really hurting me and frustrating me if she were lurking over my shoulder. Right now she doesn't have her computer with her anyway...it is in Colorado so it isn't really an option at this point.

I'm sorry you are feeling down :friends: Don't censor yourself here...this is where you can share and get support from people who get what you are going through. I can't even imagine what you caregivers go through and I have a lot of respect for it. You need to do what is best for you and Ray, no matter what...

How was your day today...?? I was thinking of you all day! Wondering what you are working on...how you are feeling...how you are coping...? Tomorrow is 7 weeks since your stroke...it feels so long ago yet 7 weeks is really nothing in the big picture... I have so many questions...wishing I knew what was going on... We had violin lessons tonight...they seemed to go well. Sammy is very enthusiastic and is enjoying it so far. Margaret is dedicated as well. I can't wait for you to hear them play...it'll be nice! I picked up People Magazine today and thought of you as I read it. I know how much you love it! I just wrapped up my three free coaching sessions with Aruni. She is offering me one month for $200/month...3 - 1/2 hours sessions and unlimited emails. It is a bargain but not something I can afford along with regular therapy so I asked her for something less for now and eventually as my therapy winds down I'll up the coaching. Right now therapy is reimbursable from insurance and medical spending...coaching isn't...until I have a better sense of my budget I don't want to commit to a ton of money. It's hard...truly hard, but that's the way money is until my house back east sells. I know you can emote...I'm sure your house in Ohio hasn't sold yet either. I'm feeling tired right now so I'm going to sign off. I think of you all the time...I love you...I miss you...I'm waiting, no problem!!! I'm not sure I could love you more than I do now!!! You are my heart and my soul...my love and my life! I hope you have sweet dreams!!! I am holding you in my arms!!!! XOXOXOXO

Advisors can be such Jack*sses, can't they??!!!! Bravo that you are gaining your confidence!!! Congrats!

My vocational test said I'd be a teacher...EWWWW I said...now I have a PHD and teach college students and LOVE IT!!! ah well...life hands us what it hands us!!! Give 'em hell Nurse Susie...get the test done right!!

Pema Chodron says to walk INTO the fear, not away from it. Fear is what you experience as you get closer to the truth...a truth sometimes we don't want to know...so we avoid...we run. She said the best way to conquer fears is to simply go towards them... Honestly, I have always done that...I am mortally afraid of heights, especially bridges, yet I continue to drive over them. I won't let a fear disable me...stop me from living my life. Jane had always observed that in me. She herself is very fearful and always admired that I could just go towards something seemingly without fear. Sometimes I have the fear...but most of the time I refused to acknowledge it and just move forward like a bull in a china shop ! I think this is the first time in my life I feel REAL, HONEST fear...I fear the worst about us. But I am working through it...pushing myself forward when the fears are unreasonable and not PRESENT. I fear the unknown...I fear I may lose the most important person in my life after my kids. But I'm still standing here...still working...still hoping...still have faith...still getting my work done...still taking care of myself. I'm still here...sitting in the fear...SURROUNDED by the fear and yet I refuse to let it own me. I'm just letting it sit there... I'm watching it cautiously... It tries to sneak up on me like a feral cat hoping to catch its prey at night. But I am watching the fears...the fears are not me...I am the Witness, seeing how the fears can be disabling. I am still moving on with my life even though I'd rather sleep for the next two weeks. Jean said to put my fears on hold...by Witnessing them but not acting on them I realize I am doing just that. Yay for me!!! My mind is continually bombarded with visions of our life over the last 3 years...its all good...it counterbalances the fears. That is what gives me hope... Another couple of weeks before I hear from her again...perhaps 2 weeks...perhaps more...perhaps less...but approximately another couple of weeks. I'm here...I'm waiting...I'm not going anywhere...

Happy Anniversary!!! What wonderful news!!! I'm glad you are eating more too!