Robyn

Do you have ANY idea how much I love you???? TONS AND TONS!!! You know that, don't you!!!! The beginning of yet another week...a short one this week thank goodness. How are you...what are you focusing on this week??? I've been hanging on one major thought the last couple of days...I have COMPLETE and UTTER confidence in our love and our connection. One does not fall out of love overnight, even with a stroke. That's it...nothing else left to say except I'm here...I love you...I'm not going ANYWHERE...I'm waiting for you... I hope you have the sweetest of dreams tonight! I am holding you in my arms, as always! XOXOXOXOXOXO

Thanks Tina...I'm hoping the worst of it will be over after I chat with her in a few weeks. But I REFUSE to let myself get immobilized by this. Regardless I have to help my kids out...keep them focused...and I have to get my work done. Life DOES go on despite my sorrows, right? I have already been on the Cymbalta otherwise I don't know if I would've started it. But I won't increase it...decided it would mask all I needed to experience and learn about this time in my life, you know? I'm glad to hear it gets easier...never easy, but easier. Keep plugging away!!! I am doing the same! Cheers...R

ABSOLUTELY...working on abs and back will help you keep balance and stand! That dreadful feeling will eventually fade away as you come to trust in your body more and more. As for the pneumonia...you can't live in fear of it. Just work on keeping yourself healthy...you are STRONG...you are LOVED!!! :hug:

I am finding now that the end of the day is much better/easier than the beginning. Don't know why...I'm CONFUSED...it used to be harder to actually sleep at the end of the day, now it is hard to wake up and get moving. Nausea is still there even though I am eating...I'm trying to gain some control over that with breathing and centering. Note to self: Take Cymbalta AFTER you brush your teeth so you don't spit the pill up...sigh... I guess when I have the day to work on being present it is easier by the end of the day to just relax. But when I wake up, I am hit with the realization that it is not July 16th, it is September 5th and its been almost 7 weeks since she had her stroke...things are different now...REALLY different. It takes me a while to get my bearings, but once I'm going, I'm going. I know this is depression tugging at me so I'm resisting it and pushing myself rather than succumbing. It worked this morning...I just scolded myself and pushed through it. I joined the Y awhile ago...wanted to start exercising and just couldn't get the energy over the last 3 weeks. I joined a Pilates class and I just said "I'm not wasting the money...I'm going to go if it kills me!" I forced myself to go today. It felt good to just move my body and remove some of the nervous energy. I'm feeling more called to do my yoga and pilates again. Don't know when I'll pick the yoga up but I am hearing it call me. I think I just need to sit and listen for awhile...see how that goes. The meditation helps at one level but I think I'm finding it isn't enough...I need something else. I started thinking about that after reading Cope's book "The Wisdom of Yoga"...as one of the character's yoga and meditation practice deepened, they were able to make peace with many things. I'm thinking I have to continue to dig deeper through more yoga practice as well as the meditation. I'm home now...going to do some research and writing...pushing forward to get work done...it is imperative I don't lose this momentum! So I will just do it! With or without Jane, this is a priority. WIthout getting tenure I'm SUNK in academia... I'm worried about my coach...we were supposed to chat yesterday and I didn't hear from her. Her mom was being operated on last week and I'm afraid something bad happened...I called her to offer my support and to just have her call me when she can! Hopefully I'll hear soon from her! I think I'm in the mood for sushi for lunch...mmmmmmmmm...its been a while since I actually craved food so I guess this is a good sign...plus I'm starving!!! ************************************ Sushi lunch was good...with miso soup...I feel VERY healthy! Dinner was good too...PAPA John's pizza...I had 3 slices. More than I've eaten in weeks. I've lost about 23 pounds since the beginning of July...sigh...not a good way to lose weight I'm afraid so now I'm trying to up the exercise and increase the eating to stabilize my weight. Day by day, right?!! Getting strong...! I got two books in the mail today by Pema Chodron...Comfort with Uncertainty and When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times. I can't wait to dig in!!!

I couldn't agree more Asha...That is what I've been reflecting on all weekend and what I'm working on to build! I'm glad we are on the same wavelength!! It feels so good...and peaceful right now for me. There are moments when its hard but when I really do focus on my inner strengths I can almost feel it BURSTING out of me!!!! It is glorious and rewarding! Thank you for reflecting on that point...I appreciate it!!!

Checking in early my dear...I suspect is was quite the exhausting weekend. No doubt Rachel came into town...perhaps Jeremy and maybe Jeff and Frankie. It's a long weekend and you know how family can be overwhelming, especially with your family. I hope you are resting comfortably and that it was a relaxing weekend if nothing else. Maybe you got to the beach! I was reading through some old letters you sent me. So much of what you said to me back then holds now...how strong we both are...how we both have to do our work to be whole for each other. How much we have taught and touched each other. And that was just at the beginning of the relationship! :wub2: We both realized all or nothing didn't work. I suspect you will come to that conclusion soon enough now, as well. But I do know that you need the time to yourself without any pressure from me. I was also reflecting on the very intense nature of our relationship...that intensity I know is more than you can focus on right now and I know the ABSENCE of that rings very hard for me. We went from ALL to NOTHING almost overnight. Both of our reactions are to be expected. I can't help but think of how strong and beautiful things were before this...how strong our connection is and how I'm confident that that connection will sustain us. You asked me to trust you a long time ago that when you had to take care of yourself you'd return to me...I'm trusting in that. I want you to just take care of yourself...do what you have to, then return to me with an open heart and mind!! I'm waiting here for you, with open arms...I love you more than anything...I've never thought I could love someone this much!!! You have said the same to me...I know all of that will come back to you when it is time...but I'm here waiting...and loving you! Have sweet dreams my dear...I love you very much and I look forward to hearing from you soon! All of my LOVE, sweetie. I am holding you in my arms!!! XOXOXOXOXO

So good to have the love and support of family around you! You are blessed!

You know...the crocodile hunter! He died in a freak accident...stingray stinger directly to the heart. He always lived life to the fullest every day. He personified "joie de vivre". I think he's a great example of someone that just lived life as it faced him every day. I think to catch crocodiles you have to be very present and very aware and VERY in the moment. You have to love the life you have in front of you at that moment. So how does this relate to me? Things change so suddenly...it goes back to the waves of life I was referring to awhile ago...learning to just float as the waves toss you up and down. When you resist you get stuck in the tar like the age-old story of Bre'r Rabbit. You have to go with the moment. I can imagine his wife and two children now...they are going to have to float...roll with the waves, build a new life honoring his memory. Steve seemed like the quintessential "go with the flow" kind of of guy. Perhaps hearing about him gives me an example of how to live my life. Perhaps hearing about his death reminds me that things aren't so bad after all for me. Jane is still alive and we will talk in time. I am alive...I am surviving...it's all good...

Ann...as you've said to me...nothing is EVER easy and the only guarantee in life is that things will change. We all have to learn how to continually adapt to our loved ones. This is just another phase. I wish I had something wonderful to say to make you feel better and help you adapt to these changes...I don't...but I hope that you have peace and comfort every day! :friends:

I'm GLAD it was a great week...sorry that the parking was an issue. Many organizations have to learn the subtleties of what it takes to be supportive of those differently abled!!!

Wonderful...there IS kindness in the world...truly!!!

How has your weekend been? Fairly low key here. Today we tried to go swimming but there were too many "misbehaviors" so we left in about 10 minutes. We'll try again tomorrow. We went to a BBQ at a colleague of David's...lives right around the corner from me. Great guy! Well published...seems like he'd be a good friend as well as a colleague so that was cool. We're going to talk research some time in the near future! I hope you are relaxing well...maybe eating some lobster! Overall I hope you are just getting better!!!!! It feels like the stroke was so long ago yet it was only 6 weeks. You improved SOOOO rapidly in those first couple of weeks so it is hard to fully understand the extent of your deficits. And I'm sure you've improved rapidly in the last 3 weeks since I last saw you so I can only imagine what you're up to right now!!! I know the emotional takes longer to heal but I know you will work hard on that with Sandy...and with whatever support you can get through Spaulding so that's a good thing. I really am looking forward to talking with you in a few weeks to know what is going on with you right now! Anyway...I'm tired...watching a movie with the kids, then I'll do some reading and meditating and hit the bed! I am thinking of you and dreaming of you and holding you in my arms every night...I love you! Have sweet dreams my dear! XOXOXOXOX

Yeah...she's pretty wise!

I spent time chatting with my mom today. A few days ago the bird I gave them 12 years ago died...it had been my pet but I was living with someone at the time who was allergic to him so I gave him to my parents. They are profoundly sad...missing the chirping and chatter that had become a part of their lives every day. On top of that, my mom is caring for my great aunt who had an intestinal blockage in March...had been in the hospital for two months, rehab for a month and is now home trying to relearn to walk and stuff. My aunt is 92. My mom hasn't stopped moving for months...is realizing that my aunt may need to go into assisted living because there is only so much she can do for my aunt at home now. My aunt is OK with that...she accepts it. Has always been a positive person and loves living so she just adapts and goes on living whereever she is. She is my idol!!! I watch my mom and listen to her struggles. I realize my struggles are minimal by comparison. And then she said something wise...Jane is with you, she just can't be there for you right now. By keeping your distance, you ARE helping her with her healing, even if it doesn't feel that way. If you were pressuring her and trying to make contact, you'd just give her undue stress...something she doesn't need right now. I mean I knew all of that, but when she put it together that way I understood it in a different way. I guess I am used to leaning on Jane in my moments of stress...and I have to learn how to lean on myself. Her love taught me a lot and gave me strength but that strength was within me, not her. I can't lean on her now and perhaps not into the future...she is weakened and can barely be there for herself right now. I have to be the strong one...I have to be the person on whom she can now lean...and be strong...and calm...and present...and a safe place for her to share her fears. I knew all of this, but it was nice to be reminded...its too easy to forget... I suppose at 43 I can still listen to my mom...

GRRRR...I hate experiences like that. Sorry your meal was ruined!

Bill, you have a wonderful future ahead of you...keep the faith! I'm glad the house sold... :hug:

I am reminded of what people have told me...the universe does not give us more than we can handle. Do what you can...take care of yourself...don't feel guilty... :hug:

Running off to bed. I hope you had a great day today. Did anyone come visit? Did you get rain on the Cape because of Ernesto? We went to a children's museum you would've loved. The kids had a great time. Maybe I'll get to take you there with them some time soon. I paid bills today...ICK...necessary evil I guess. Tomorrow David asked me to a BBQ with a colleague of his from SLU. It's great having David around...it helps! Going to read then pass out...trying to get as much sleep as possible before the semester gets crazy with grading and stuff. I love you very much...I think of you all the time, every day! Have sweet dreams my dear...I am holding you in my arms!!! XOXOXOXO

Rob has good friends...you are very lucky!

The title says it all...two down, two to go...I've made it through two weeks!!! :Clap-Hands: They were tough...lots of self exploration but I've made it. I've got more clarity regarding what she is going through and I've got more clarity about my own demons. Rereading the list I created yesterday does help...grounds me in those tough moments. It feels good to be in touch with what I KNOW...not the imaginary...it keeps me stable. Will there ever come a time when I don't have her in my mind 24/7?? I suspect if I were a caregiver it would be that way. But pre-stroke, I didn't have her on my mind 24/7...I got my work done secure in the knowledge she'd be there at the end of the day and would always be there at the other end of the phone. I think because of all the uncertainty she preoccupies my mind...I'm always wondering...always worried...always curious...what is she feeling...what is she doing...is she OK??!!! But thankfully I am at peace enough internally that I AM able to get my work done, but my mind wanders a lot. I think it'll just be that way until I talk to her again and get a better sense of things. As long as I am getting my work done then that's all that matters right now. Here's an example of how she is in my head/heart all the time. I took the kids to a museum today...it was fun but I kept thinking that Jane would've enjoyed doing that with the kids. She really has embraced being a step mom to the kids and has taken so much pride in the adjustment she's made to having kids in her life. She would've crawled all over the place with them and played with them. That's what made me fall in love with her in the first place...she embraced my kids with open arms...!!! Anyway...overall its good...I just want her to get well...6 weeks post stroke...we have a LONG way to go!

I used the bands when i was pregnant with my son...it minimized the nausea to make it tolerable but doesn't eliminate it. Ginger candies worked the same way. I guess if the ginger candies didn't work for them, the bands probably won't either. They may need something stronger.

Sorry I didn't chat with you last night. I was just tired...needed to sleep and have some time to myself. I read for awhile which was nice and just went to bed early. I'm going to admit this has been hard for me. I know, I know...not as hard as what you're going through...I DO understand that. But it has been hard for me, too. Do you remember the one night when I didn't call you back because I figured you were asleep and I didn't want to awake you? Remember how you called me first thing in the morning and chastised me for not calling...remember how you felt all night sort of waiting for me to call...that's how its felt for weeks for me. Is it DOABLE and LIVEABLE...YES. Do I do it willingly and lovingly for you...YES. But its still hard. I guess I wanted you to know that. It may not be something you understand or can hear right now but one day I hope you do...whether we are together or not. We have been SOOO close for 3 years. The changes have been overwhelming to both of us...in different ways, yes, but overwhelming nonetheless. We are both struggling in our own ways. I am learning to be more comfortable with the uncertainty...learning to just live with it and not resist it. We both know that's my achilles heel, right? I'm learning a lot about my own strengths and my ability to just continue onward despite all of my own upheaval and all the changes I have in my life beyond what has happened to you. I had a good therapy session yesterday...still have lots of work to do but it was good...very good! So how was YOUR week...? Two weeks done now...WHEW. 6 weeks post-stroke...how are you feeling? I'm hoping you are starting to feel a bit more clarity. I can't wait to hear what you've been working on...I'm very excited to know what's going on!! Anyway...I'm going to run because I have bills to pay and it is the beginning of Labor Day weekend so I want to spend time with the kids. I'll chat with you tonight!! I love you...Have a great day and I'm thinking of you!! XOXOXO Robyn

:Clap-Hands: Bravo...congrats!!! I'm glad you are advancing miraculously! Keep up the hard work!!

I like Jean's idea...that makes sense...reduce one or add the other...I wouldn't do both because you won't know what caused the change.

Thanks Tina...I know a lot can change...I've been reading that all over the discussion board!! The foundation was there between us before and just after the stroke...she just needs to really compartmentalize and take care of herself right now and I'm really working hard to accept that. The love I have for her is so overwhelming and I know she has felt the same...it just seems the stroke has taken some of that away from her, hopefully just temporarily. Since there were connections there early on post-stroke, my sense is that it IS just temporary. I'm just finally realizing what it means to be with the discomfort...its there and it feels a lot better than the pain so I'm just letting it be and reminding myself of the things I noted above. So far it is working today...we'll see how it goes over the next couple of weeks. Thanks for your kind words!!!