Robyn

I had a good therapy appointment today...dealing with my own demons...trying to figure them out...trying to figure out how to maintain a good attitude even as the waves break over my head and I feel like I'm drowning. As my therapist said, this moment has brought all those insecurity demons up to the surface. The yoga-sutras talk about "The Witness"...watching your mind and your behaviors and your habits, but not identifying with them. I feel like I've been watching myself, through good days and bad, trying to figure out my triggers. Because I am so uncomfortable with uncertainty my mind and my body are CONSTANTLY trying to escape the discomfort. And then what causes me pain are the "escape mechanisms" that I let take over...the hypotheticals that this relationship will be over without giving it a chance to reconnect post-stroke. What would I rather have, discomfort or pain...? Neither, personally, but given a choice, discomfort has to be the way to go, no doubt about it. I'm uncomfortable...I don't know how this stroke has affected her emotionally...I don't know how this will affect us...I don't even know what's going on with her day to day when I USED TO know that...for 3 years I knew that and now I'm shut out and it is excrutiatingly uncomfortable. But I can't sit in a place of pain, not understanding and appreciating what has just happenend to her because if I don't then my insecurities take over... So my learning, that I have to just sit with the discomfort, is what I'm back to. How to do that is the trick. One thing my therapist suggested is to let what I know intellectually take the lead...I KNOW she has had a stroke...I KNOW this causes emotional upheaval and discontinuity...I KNOW we felt connected in the hospital...I KNOW she loves me because she said so while I was there...I KNOW she is having problems talking on the phone and our relationship is on the phone right now...I KNOW she is an introvert and pulling away is typical for her...I KNOW she needs space right now...I KNOW our relationship was strong before this...I KNOW she didn't ask to break up, ONLY asked for space so that we could each take care of our own stuff...I KNOW she said she was open for working on this once she felt better...I KNOW she is working hard to recapture herself and has lots of UNKOWNS ahead of her...I KNOW SHE IS SCARED AND TRYING TO FIGURE IT ALL OUT...I KNOW ALL OF THIS. And I think what I have to do when my insecurities and escape mechanisms and old ugly past hurts and pains and habits come back to haunt me is to reread this list...to remember that I have to be patient and let the process take care of itself...she will heal and then we will talk and work on this... After "Witnessing" myself this week I know this is what works for me and keeps me grounded. On the good days, this helps...on the bad days, I don't do this and I let my fears and insecurities take over. I think this was a good lesson for me to really understand WHY I let the triggers go and what causes the worst waves. A good week for self-analysis to understand myself...to make myself healthy for Jane. The insecurities HAVE to be wrestled and to do that I have to understand them and how they take over. For those of you who read this...this is sort of a summary of my lessons learned over the last couple of weeks...a reflection of what I'm doing to make myself whole so I can be ready to be strong for Jane if this relationship is to continue. I'm laying bare my demons, finding the way to internalize and truly wrap myself around what has happened to her and how this has made changes in our life. I accept things will change... I really want to work on it...I just have to give her the space to catch up to me...and I know she will in time.

Chris...your post gives me much hope for me and Jane...thank you! I'm glad you are getting the help you need to get your ramp!

No words...just a :hug: !!!

Great car! Sorry things are so hard...let yourself cry...it is what you need to do, no need to control it. I'm so glad you had friends who brought you breakfast...true friends are priceless! :hug:

I'm glad, despite the tiredness, that life is good!! :hug:

How are you sweetie...almost another week done! YAHOO!!! It must feel so good...almost 2 weeks done...how many more to go? The talk was two months at Spaulding!! Christmas back in Colorado...I'll keep my fingers and toes crossed for ya! I finally got some research done today...it felt good. Juggling a bunch of projects so it was great to stretch my wings a bit. Should have one paper going out under review by end of September and start collecting data on another project also by the end of September. :Clap-Hands: Gotta get that tenure!!! Sam and Margaret had their check ups this morning...they're HUGE! And healthy which is good!!! Sam didn't want to go to school and I was worried that he would act up at school but he was good again today. The rewards system seems to be working which is great. TWo days with no hitting. He didn't want to go to bed tonight, though...10pm and still wandering around...UGH... Last night he slept with me...Margaret wanted to also but I had to walk her back upstairs. I need more sleep...they're killing me!!!! I'm off to meditate, then to bed. Tomorrow I see my therapist... I'm thinking of you and I love you so much. Keep healthy my dear, get better soon and I am holding you in my arms!!! XOXOXOXO Robyn

Isaak Dinesen said salt water cures everything...whether it is sweat, tears, or the sea. Part of riding the waves and surfing is knowing that its OK to cry when you want to...so I did...and I feel better... I'm smiling...

Congrats! What a great feeling to have her off your back!!! I hope all goes better for you now!

Hump day, sweetie!!! Wednesday done...two more days to go...so how has your week been? I hope you are just taking it one day at a time. Remember at the rehab hospital we had to remind you to actually slow down a bit!! :hahaha: But actually I'm sure you are working hard and at the pace you need. I'm so proud of you and your fighter attitude!! I got a violin tonight!!! :Clap-Hands: With Suzuki Violin, they expect the parents to learn along with the kids so I got a full-sized violin to practice with both the kids...it should be very fun as I LOVE music!!! Margaret had a pretty good lesson tonight...Sam begins his private lessons next week. When Margaret took violin years ago, the teacher thought I'd do well taking violin lessons but who had the time. Not that I have the time NOW but at least I can play on a violin larger than 1/16th!! it should be fun! I should master 'twinkle twinkle little star' in no time...I can't wait to play for you! Sam was SOOO much better today...I rewarded him with a chocolate chip cookie! No surprise there...he loved it. I told him I was very proud of him and wanted him to keep up the good work. His teacher was proud of him too! It felt like a small victory but we'll see how the next couple of weeks go!! Good day teaching this morning, then I was busy in my office taking care of paperwork and the like. Tomorrow the kids have their school physicals in the morning and then I'll do some research in my office. It does feel good to keep busy. I'm amazed at how much I'm getting accomplished! This has been a concern of mine as you know...but I do have to begin the research tomorrow. Finish that darn article with Lois and get that to press, then work on my data collection for another study. That's NEXT week's project! OK...time to meditate and read. It is weird being in the Central time zone...news is on at 10pm so I always feel like I should be going to bed when the news is on!! Maybe living here will get me to bed earlier...certainly it will minimize my tv watching!!! Talking with you like this is nice, but I DO miss talking to you every day. I know you are healing...I know that's what you need, but I do miss your voice in my ear every night. In time, I know... Sending you all my love and healing energy!!! Sweet dreams my dear and I'm holding you in my arms!!! XOXOXO Robyn

Congrats on the new car and on the great experience you had at the "hope after stroke" conference. I'd love to get info on that and forward it our friends...Jane teaches at Bowling Green, near Toledo so if there are good resources for stroke in Ohio, that is great for her to know!! Our loved ones can truly bring us joy!!! I'm so glad you have your husband and daughter in your life! Much blessings and peace to you over the next couple of days!! :friends:

You have my love and support Ann! :hug:

WONDERFUL!! Congrats...you did it...one day under your belt!! Welcome back!

Oh Mel...I'm so sorry. Sorry for the death of your uncle-in-law...sorry for what seems like the death of this friendship. I know in my life friendships come and go...things change, even without experiencing a stroke. This is part of the cycle of life. I hope you can talk with your friend...share what you are feeling...get it off your chest...make some peace with the changes. This might've happened even if you didn't have the stroke. That may or may not be comforting, but there is no way to know for sure what has caused this change for her. Maybe try reaching out to her this one more time to see if you can get this resolved. Just as we discussed in another thread that it is easy to say "It's your fault" when understanding the dynamics of a problem, it is harder to recognize and say "Here's my fault in all of this" As someone who feels like she is on the outside TRYING DESPERATELY to understand what my own partner is feeling, try to reach out and understand perhaps things from your friends perspective. The truth lies somewhere in between, right?! You are loved...I know this is hard and I'm sorry! :hug:

:hug: Thanks for sharing that! You are right...we need to be thankful for what we have!

Today I have the sensation of riding the waves of my life...vascillating between comfort and discomfort. When moments of concern settle back in, I remind myself of the NOW...and what I know NOW...and repeat my comforting mantras. I am getting more comfortable with the uncertainty...I know this is the learning I have to do right now...to not focus on my insecurities but on Jane's needs. Frankly it has become much easier. I can talk to people about what the situation is and why based on what I've learned about the experiences of stroke survivors and I can tell my attitude has changed in the last week and a half. It really isn't about my needs...its about HER needs and the situation doesn't feel HOPELESS and PERSONAL...it feels realistic and manageable from my end. That doesn't mean the "evil demons" don't come dancing back...because those are part of the waves of my life...but it means I am able to beat them back :bop: more readily when they try to taunt me. And it is easier now because I'm really internalizing what SHE needs now that I understand those needs and her situation a bit more. There is an ancient Sanskrit word discussed in the Yoga-Sutras called Samskaras...literally it means seeds, but really they are the RUTS we have ingrained in our life...the old way of doing things and the habits and patterns we have built to deal with our pains. We follow the same patterns dealing with our stressors and the like. True insight and learning comes when we face those "Samskaras" and work to fill in those ruts and develop new paths to deal with the stressors in our lives. Essentially that is what I am doing right now. Beating back my insecurities is part of battling my Samskaras...going to therapy and coaching is helping me rebuild new, healthy paths. The discomfort will lessen as I learn new paths and new habits to remain healthy and whole. Friday's work in therapy is trying to figure out the source of those insecurities...should be interesting!!! I got an email from a dear friend this morning who knows all of the stuff going on in my life...here is what she said... Pema Chodron is an American Buddhist nun with some words of wisdom that I find helpful and think you may also. From her book, "Comfortable with Uncertainty": ...Perhaps nothing ever really attacks us except our own confusion. Maybe the only enemy is that we don't like the way reality is NOW and therefore wish it would go away fast. But what we find as practitioners is that nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know. Even if we run a hundred miles an hour to the other side of the continent, we find the very same problem awaiting us when we arrive. It keeps returning with new names, forms, and manifestations until we learn whatever it has to teach us. Where are we separating ourselves from reality? How are we pulling back instead of opening up? How are we closing down instead of allowing ourselves to experience fully whatever we encounter? That statement sort of sums up how I am feeling right now...that as hard as this is, yes, it is harder for Jane but this also poses an opportunity for me to fix my Samskaras and make myself whole...or MORE whole at least!!! I've been trying to work on this for four years and now it is here staring me in the face and it needs my attention, wholely and completely!! I am opening up...I am recognizing my pains but not letting them control me...I am opening myself up to more fully understand what Jane is experiencing so I can be ready and waiting for her with a full heart that is understanding and willing to do what it takes to help her heal. I'll probably have a bit more clarity in a few weeks when I talk with her, but until then I am riding the waves and surfing like a pro!!!...I can taste the salt water and I feel alive!!

Thanks...that's what I was thinking...I'd rather reward positive behaviors than punish all the time...its discouraging! Thanks for the support!!!!!!!

I'm wiped...Sorry I'm not feeling very profound tonight...just got my period so my body feels like it got beat up. I guess you are probably facing the same deal, eh...yours should be due any moment now. It knocks you for a loop on a good day, let alone with the utter exhaustion you are feeling due to your stroke right now. You have my empathy, my love. Got a ton of work done today at school which was good. I didn't work out like I thought I would because I was so nauseous and tired this morning (took a nap instead) but I got to the office around noon and got a lot of teaching stuff out of the way so I'm taken care of through next week... :Clap-Hands: I went to a parent orientation at Margaret's school...I like her teacher...she is very nice and I like her philosophies about education and the classroom. I think this should be a good year for her at school...FINALLY! Sam got in trouble at school again...using his hands...sigh. Trying to keep him under control... I punished him when we got home. NO TV and he had to stand in a time out for a while. HE's only 4 so there's only so much you can do to him, you know? But I spoke sternly with him and told him he was hurting his teacher's body and her feelings...I think that got to him. I'm going to try to set up a reward system of some sort...good days gets a special treat...bad days means no treat. We'll see how it goes...I think he'll calm down eventually but right now I think things are just upsetting and new to him. Tonight he wanted me to tell you he loves you and wants you to get better soon. OH...and he still wants to go to a hotel with you!! LOL!!!! He misses you...a lot... I am going to just pass out tonight...as I said, not feeling profound and I have to teach tomorrow morning. I love you, I think of you every moment of the day...I want you to get better!! Sweet dreams and I am holding you in my arms!!! XOXOXO

I finally started to decorate my office at work a bit and decided to put pictures of Jane up in the office. I had been reluctant...thought I'd just burst into tears. But I put them up and it really put me in a good place...memories of what we had and can have again once she heals. OK...I know it won't be the same...nothing ever is, right? But we can have those loving looks and times together again when she has had enough time to recover from this horrific experience. She is strong and I know is working hard to recover... I just keep repeating my mantra...SHE WILL GET BETTER...and...FOCUS ON THE GOOD THINGS! Focus on what SHE needs...NOW... It's all good! I looked in a candy jar that someone had left in my new office...at the bottom was a Werther's Original...one of her favorite candies!!! She is with me...she's here...she's just taking care of herself right now! As it should be...! :wub2:

:hug: Sorry you felt like you couldn't speak up. Have you tried checking with the state regarding what school they recommend you go to to have your driving checked...perhaps they have a recommendation.

You will find the right place for you...I have no doubt!! GOod luck...Q sounds like a jerk.

Just checking in with you! Long long day today. Up at 6:30...hustling the kids out the door to day care...teaching at 9am. Then I worked from 10-12:00 in my office...then off to run errands. Had to get keys made for the babysitter, then had my coaching call at 1:30...boy oh boy coaching is great!!! I hope it is affordable so I can do this often. Right now the coaching is free but I'm definitely going to continue to do this. The hope is that it is affordable enough I can do this twice a month...I hope!!! Between that and therapy I'm covered. Aruni was great...I speak with her once a week but I can email her regularly...its great to have a touchstone all week. She said speaking with me today that she felt like she really KNEW ME after this week and it was great to talk to me on the phone to round out the first week of working with her. I knew she would be a great person to work with after my IQI in January and that was reinforced in July when I was there the weekend you had your stroke. We have a good connection and I am VERY grateful! ANyway...after my coaching call with Aruni, I ran a few more errands and then headed back to my office to work there until class at 6pm. By the time I was done at 9 I was wiped out. Now I'm crashed on the couch, vegetating watching the TV! :hahaha: SOOOOO...how was your day? What did you do? What is your weekly schedule like? I'm so VERY curious about what you are working on and how you are feeling about everything. How are you feeling about the physical, cognitive, and emotional changes you are experiencing? One thing I know you are ambitious and hard working...a real work horse and you will work HARD to get better...I have no doubt about that!!!! I am proud of you the way you tackled your recovery while in the rehab hospital and I know you are doing that and then some at Spaulding! I really can't wait to hear all the details!! But mostly I just want you to get better...as soon as you are able!! Off to finish some work, meditate for a while, and perhaps read...if I'm not TOO tired!! I love you so very much, sweetie!!! I am holding you in my heart and soul!!! Sweet dreams!!! XOXOXO Robyn

June...boy do I ever agree with you...every day is give and take in a relationship. I learned that after being married for 9 years before my relationship with Jane. I deposited...he withdrew and I never got anything back in return. No doubt that is what is causing some of my angst and anxiety right now...memories of past relationship failures... When I began my relationship with Jane the deposit/withdrawal system was something we actively nurtured and I am hoping will sustain us through this period of estrangement. Sharon...thank you. I fervently hope so too...she means the world to me! Just gonna take it one day at a time!

BRAVO!!! Congrats!! One moment at a time!

Enjoy your time away! It is well deserved!

I'm so sorry about your sister and her fiance...I don't blame her for leaving if he hit her...NEVER acceptable...but to be hurt like that is awful for him. Brain trauma, no matter the source is difficult. DO NOT blame yourself for her optimism. Optimism is GOOD but she needs realism too...when you know she can "listen" to what you have to say, let her know YOU were lucky and recovered fairly quickly but that's not always the case for all brain trauma victims. Especially if had been drinking...ugh... You do not have to own that but you are in a wonderfully unique place to be able to help her get through this...let her know how you felt struggling and recovering! Congrats on your bros b-day and new child to be...congrats Auntie!!