Robyn

I did wake up with a stomach ache this morning but I suspect it had more to do with the chili cheese dog I had for lunch and the slice of yummy pizza I had for dinner... A few TUMS and my tummy ache seemed to evaporate. At 43 I just can't handle that stuff no matter HOW MUCH I love it! :hahaha: A few worries entered my mind but I settled down...remembered to stay present and to not think about the future because the future doesn't mean anything. What matters is NOW...what I am doing to help myself...what Jane needs right NOW!!! Yesterday's exercise...putting myself in her shoes...writing it all down...laying it all out there was helpful. It continued to enable me to get out of my own way and really see how tough this is for her. This isn't a normal situation...it isn't PAST relationships and hurts...it is the love of my life HURTING right now and TRYING DESPERATELY to get better. I was thinking this morning we had both made a lot of "deposits" into our relationship over the last 3 years. The last year I've had to make a lot of "withdrawals"...I was suffering...she was supportive. Now it is her turn to make "withdrawals"...unlimited if need be for the time being. I will quietly and lovingly make the deposits for her so the source is endless. I want to find a way to let her know that without it putting any pressure on her. I'm sure I'll figure it all out...it may just need to be "understood" right now. I'll be back later tonight to explore what she is going through further...to answer more of the questions Jean posed to me! ************************************************************* okey doke...I'm really called to exploring what would happen if she couldn't teach or do her coaching any more. If she couldn't teach or coach any more it would tear her apart. It is her passion as well as her bread and butter. It might also mean she'd be unable to develop the leadership institute she wants to start in Colorado. All the paperwork is set up to do it...and she isn't the executive director, Ann is, but still, it is really all about her vision and its her energy that will drive the organization. If she doesn't have the energy to lead this and add the intellectual and spiritual contribution, it may not sustain as it would be just another organization...not HER vision. What would she do instead...wow...no idea. She is open to medically retiring from her academic job to relieve her job stress which caused the HBP, but if she is severely compromised that might make even doing the consulting which supplements her income impossible. So she is truly focusing on making sure at a minimum she can continue to adjunct and teach on-line, even if she might not want the stress of a regular tenure/tenure track academic job. This way she can still make an income doing the things she REALLY loves without the nasty stress and politics of her job. But if that's not possible...whew...no idea...really. We've never talked beyond that...it was never a consideration. She might become a hermit on her farm...or perhaps, if she can feel up to reconnecting with me, she'd come to depend more on me to help and support her. NOT what she wants for herself right now I'm sure BUT its an option. I don't think she's ready for that...we talked about that upon old age retirement...not now... So she's scared and I'm sure wants to do everything to bring herself back to a productive academic life!

So...another week ahead of you...how are you feeling about that? What are you working on right now? What are your biggest worries and concerns? What is your biggest fear, my love? Is there anything I can do to help you? I know, right now, you are getting what you want from me but you KNOW that you can ask me for ANYTHING...ANYTHING and its yours!!! If there is anything else you need, please don't hesitate to share it with me. You've always been able to ask and tell me anything...please don't stop now when you need help the most! As for my day...it was nice. The kids both crawled into bed with me about 6am but I kicked them out around 7 to watch cartoons while I slept in until around 9. I just needed it! It started out rainy but eventually it petered off and then we headed to the zoo...we had a great time! I got a zoo membership so I can take the kids back again! It reminded me of the time we went to the Toledo Zoo last Thanksgiving and saw the XMAS lights there! We talked about taking the kids back there some time. Maybe not THIS Thanksgiving/holiday period, but how about next year??? St. Louis has lights and so does Toledo...we'll figure it all out, OK? I finally found a good "NY" style pizza in St. Louis...YUMMY! It was really good! Not easy to get to but nice to know it is there. David joined us at the zoo and shared his pizza find so it was fun spending time with him. He was great with the kids! He's going to make a great dad. I hope he gets tenure and begins the adoption process soon. I've got a few things to do then I'm heading to bed! I love you and pray for you every night. Have sweet dreams my dear and I'm holding you in my arms!!!! XOXOXO Robyn

Even without a stroke...OY!!! I hear ya!!! Good luck...it is hard when two people are trying to blend their tastes on rooms. Perhaps you can choose a room and then he can choose a room and leave it that way rather than trying to blend both opinions in ONE room...does that make sense!!!

Thanks June...I'm definitely doing that (giving her the space to heal and grieve)...and happily!! I think I finally confronted and beat down the demons that were bothering me and causing me so much pain. Once I identified them, and called them out, I was able to defuse them! I still have personal work to do to manage my own issues but I feel like the processing I did this week has enabled me to really start to think about this as her issue...not my issue, no matter how I am affected. I really feel good...

This is the first morning I didn't wake up with that horrible gripping feeling in my stomach of insecurity. Perhaps I was able to stun the demons a bit and keep the focus off of me and on what she needs. I really like Jean's idea of exploring what JANE is thinking/feeling right now rather than just focusing on my issues. I can't stop working on my issues...those HAVE to be dealt with for me to be healthy WITH or WITHOUT her. But since I can't be with Jane and it is hard for me to really understand what's going on for her, it makes sense for me to explore what SHE is feeling right now about all sorts of life issues. It'll help me get into her head. Since I know her so well, this won't be too difficult...at least I don't think so! I guess we'll see. I'm taking the kids to the zoo right now, meeting a friend, but I'll come back tonight to begin to explore this! ************************************** OK...so let's start with what I KNOW about her condition, and what I'm ASSUMING about her condition 5 weeks post stroke. Also, what I know about HER. She is walking with a cane and also walking on her own. She is working on getting full range of motion in her right foot and ankle. While her handwriting is legible, she needs work. 1 week post stroke the NP said she was a 4 out of 5 in terms of range of motion and control in her right hand, but needed to build up strength. She is room independent. Can do all her own personal care and manage her toiletries, etc. including her period. Cognitively/emotionally it is a bit harder. She tested at the genius level IQ. The speech therapist said she was further along in the speech therapy curriculum than any other patient she had had in the past. As we would walk around outside, she had a hard time recalling the names for things...a tire...a fire hydrant...a tree...a leaf. Once we told her what those things were, it stuck with her. When we asked her how she would drive a car...what were the steps she would take to do that, it was harder but, again, once we worked it through with her she would recall it perfectly the next time we asked her. She seemed distance and flat affect early on...probably from exhaustion mostly. She had her sense of humor and got some degree of sarcasm but got confused easily with too much stimulus. She seemed to be losing much of her fears while sitting in the rehab hospital (she is typically a FEARFUL person but works through it) but it was safe and secure and confined within 4 walls. Leaving that safety, no doubt brought many of those fears up. Jane is a person who is an introvert and ENORMOUSLY independent. She doesn't like ANYONE taking care of her...sometimes she would let me or her therapist/coach Sandy do that because she had learned to trust us...but it was/is still difficult for her based on childhood issues. Before the stroke she was emotionally strong. She was always willing to work through her issues, personal and professional, and always professed how important it was to "do her work". She is ambitious and works hard...too hard now she realizes. Aside from just receiving tenure at her job at a university, she was also trying to write a book while on her sabbatical, and also get her leadership institute/non-profit organization up and running. To make up for the financial loss of taking a cut in pay on her sabbatical, she took on extra adjunct teaching positions and summer teaching and was working non-stop all summer, even when we were together during our vacation. She's always felt like an oddball in her family...the family "brain". Went to Mt. Holyoke...the youngest daughter and the 5th of 6 kids. She played mother to her youngest brother, 9 years her junior. They have been, in the past VERY close because the parents just weren't there for them, according to her. Her next oldest sibling is schizophrenic and Jane had to commit him because the rest of the family, including her parents, seemed to be in denial about it at the time. Anti-depression meds and things like that scare her because she thinks she'll end up like her older brother. She moved away for her mental health and rarely went back home because her family always "walked all over her sh*t". Since she and I began dating, we spent much more time with her family...partly due to my encouragement. She began rebuilding her relationship with her current caregiver/sister, also in part due to my encouragement. They have ALWAYS had an estranged relationship. Even now in the hospital, Jane said she was accepting the help but that her sister knew how to push her buttons and she was just figuring out how to let it go for now to get through her healing. Tonight I'll address what I think her greatest fear is....that she will lose her autonomy and independence. That she will need to have someone monitoring her and caring for her forever. I don't think this will happen, but it is HER fear guaranteed. Next greatest fear is that she will not be able to be sharp enough to continue her academic work as a teacher, which she LOVES, and as a consultant/exec coach. She is willing to walk away from her tenured job and "retire early" if she feels she can't handle it intellectually/emotionally...she recognizes the job/school is a stressor for her. But she is ALIVE when she teaches...it is her passion...her joy in life!!! She doesn't have kids...she has her STUDENTS...that is the relationship she has with them. If she had to stop teaching or stop consulting/exec coaching, she would be devastated both personally and financially. This, I'm sure, is what is going through her head right now...what if I can't do this...what if I can't teach the way I want to teach any more. What if I can't do the consulting/coaching I love to do? This is her life and she's facing this uncertainty. As a fearful person inherently I'm sure much of her energy, when not working on therapy, is focused on getting herself to the place so these fears don't come true. That's it for tonight...more tomorrow!!

That's a good point, Jean. Intellectually I understand what has happened but I'm trying to really feel it and understand it emotionally too, as I wrote above. I think that would be a good tool to help me get out of myself and into her head since I can't be close to her and the mechanisms we have used in the past...TALKING EVERYTHING OUT...is just not available to me, due to her condition and the distance between us. I'll try working on that tonight...THANKS! :hug:

:friends: :hug: No problem. When I'm feeling the anxieties I'm writing them out here so I can just figure out what I am feeling and why. To do that...I need to write out exactly what I'm feeling, and then I examine and question it and analyze it...does that make sense? I really do know that this is about what she is feeling and experiencing. I just wish I had first hand knowledge...sigh...I can only guess right now.

I wanted to talk a bit earlier tonight. I'm wiped. Will probably sleep early tonight...unusual for me as you know! :hahaha: Margaret was a bit mouthy today...I don't think she's gotten enough sleep so I'm going to get her to bed early. She 's had some bad dreams the last couple of nights. Its funny...I typically find either one kid or the other in my bed the last couple of days. Bad dreams...waking up early...I think its just new moving anxieties for them...new school, new routine, etc. you know... Trying to be patient and understanding but I won't tolerate the mouthiness as you know. I'm looking to reign that under control quickly!! We started today with violin lessons...Wednesday are the private lessons and Saturday are the group concerts and lessons. It is SUCH a bargain...Margaret loves it. Sam is eager to get his violin soon! Margaret loved listening to the violins and the cellos. I think this is her "thing" FINALLY!!!! After that we came home and had lunch and then this evening went to a BBQ at my chairman's house. It was nice...roast pork loin and all sorts of appetizers...YUMMY!!! There were other kids there so Margaret and Sam had people to play with...made it easier for me to mingle. Mary Sue was there...she's very sweet and has been very supportive! Tomorrow we head to the zoo. I'll tell you all about it tomorrow. I was thinking of taking the kids camping Labor Day weekend but the place I wanted to go was booked up. Decided to hang home Labor Day...swim in the pool, unpack more boxes (we are making GREAT progress by the way!) and then take them camping the following weekend up to Springfield...do the Lincoln Presidential stuff. I know you wanted to do that with me...and we still can...but it seemed like a good thing to do with the kids and I need to get away. I'm sure you understand. When you are better, I PROMISE we'll hit the presidential museums and stuff up there! Next spring, OK??!! I'll buy you a souvenir as a pledge I'll take you, OK?!! OK...gotta hit the bed...I'm tired! Be strong my dear...get better soon...I am holding you in my arms and in my dreams!!! I love you! XOXO Robyn

Kids are an incredible blessing! Enjoy yours! I know I adore mine as well!

Thanks June!!! I appreciate that!!!

Overall I do feel good, but those evil gremlins...the evil demons...come back to haunt me. My fears the relationship is over. My insecurities because this is all unfamiliar ground...nothing to compare it to. In the past as she pulled away, I knew I could count on her returning because she was healthy. But this is all unknown so my demons come out and dance around me, taunting me. I gave in for a while...let myself go there...considered what it would feel like and what I would say if she said, "Its over and I don't even want to try." It was awful and ugly and I hated being in that place. And then I realized it was those insecurity demons taking over my brain...EVIL DEMONS!!!!!!!!!!! OUT I SAY...I CAST YOU OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Then I said, do I have any data that says she will leave...any data that says she DOESN'T love me? NO... I had to beat down the demons and remind them...she is healing...this is HER time...she can't think beyond survival mode and a long distance telephone relationship is not a priority, despite her saying I am her safety, her family, her best friend. Since I can't care for her as her safety/family/best friend, she has to push me/US aside...for now...only for now. I remind myself...we'll talk in about 3 weeks...perhaps I'll hear from her sooner...perhaps not. But I'm giving her the space she has asked for. I can't be selfish and expect her to think of me and our history when she is remembering simple, basic tasks. I wish I could help her...I wish I could've been the one who had the stroke, but that's not possible. I want to work on the source of this insecurity next week in therapy...I think that will help me gain control over it. Much to do the next couple of weeks for sure. I realize I am reacting to her as if things were normal...as if it was the way it was two months ago. How would I have reacted if she just pushed me aside then? I would've panicked and been upset and angry and all the things I'm feeling now. But my emotional reaction keeps forgetting she's had a MAJOR ILLNESS affect her. Intellectually I know that but emotionally my reaction isn't there yet and it bothers me. That's not right and I want to get to that good space, knowing and internalizing that its the stroke and not me... I'm letting the uncertainty be there, letting my insecurities be there...but I'm also remembering this is for HER, not for me right now. I keep reminding myself I'm going to be OK and we will do our best to work things out. It'll be OK...really it will...just learn to be patient...and calm...and TRUST in our love.

I am learning patience, although it isn't easy, and I'm learning how to let the sadness and ache of missing her and the pain of being forcibly separated from her just be there and not allow myself to panic. I'm resting on the truths I know...you don't just give up on 3 years of a great relationship overnight...that our relationship, before this, was strong...and that as she gets more healthy emotionally she will return to me -- perhaps not permanently, but we will TRY, and I'm willing to try!! Staying calm...breathing...meditating...praying!!! :wub2:

:hahaha: No...not waiting patiently as I'm not patient by nature but I'm doing it! It helps me...part of my learning, and helps her...!! But I miss her terribly Bonnie...I ache how much I miss her. But I'm working on accepting it. It's important to find a therapist that you really like...my first one was OK, but this one and my last one were AWESOME!!!! I know my last therapist truly saved my life. Thanks...I'm hanging!!!...Robyn

Well...one week down, another 7-ish to go on the Cape!! I hope you are doing well and getting something wonderful out of your therapy there. I hope you are resting and healing as you need to! I think of you all day...in between doing my work of course!!! :hahaha: I look forward to talking to you in a few weeks... I can't believe its been a year, this time LAST YEAR, we were out on the Cape for your dad's memorial service. I love that picture of us on the sailboat...it is my avatar on this site. That weekend was very special to me as it was the first time you said "I need you..." and you did, as you found out about Jeff and John and needed me to lean on, especially through your dad's memorial service. It was special because you were finally trusting and letting me in...into that sacred space you kept safe from the world to avoid getting hurt. One year...and how things have changed...scary... Last year we found out Annie was pregnant, your brother and John were ill, and your other brother had had a minor stroke and was recovering. John died in February and now YOU had a stroke...I think you've all had your fill, doncha think? I had a great visit with my new therapist today...she was wonderful. Different from Diane but VERY grounded and I think we have connected well. I'll see her once a week for the next couple of weeks and eventually, depending on expenses, I'll wean down to once a month. It'll be 80% after a $300 deductible. I felt very good when all was said an done. I got all my lectures ready for Monday...just have to work on Wednesday's lecture too. SHould be able to get that done this weekend so I can really focus on getting some research in gear next week. Our weekend plans are to hit Violin lessons tomorrow (Margaret's violin is BEAUTIFUL!) and then a party at my chairman's on Saturday evening. Sunday we are heading to the zoo with David! I'm a bit tired...looking forward to sleeping in a bit tomorrow! I miss summer!!! :hahaha: Having the semester start so early is just tough to get used to and I know added to my stress in the last couple of weeks. I guess it'll be nice to have a week off at Thanksgiving though so that's the tradeoff. Anyway...I'm going to cuddle down stairs, meditate, then read more from "The Wisdom of Yoga" which has been wonderful! Remember when I read some of that to you when you were in rehab? You seemed to enjoy it! I love you...I am holding you in my arms and my dreams! Sleep well my love! XOXO Robyn

Thanks Mel...I feel SOOO much better...getting the help I need, too!! I have never loved someone as I love her...It is all so dang scary!!!! I'm bound to make mistakes... But I'm trying and willing to learn!

Thanks Bill...I just had to realize my OWN demons were making me worry more than I should and perhaps CLING in an unhealthy way more than I should!!! I think it will all be good in time...I have faith! Thanks!!! :hug:

I'm good...:hug: :friends: !!

Congratulations...2 years is quite an accomplishment! May you have peace and joy all the days of your life!!!! :hug:

I got to meet with my therapist for the first time today. She is going to work out just fine. I'm thrilled. I shared with her my revelations about being so needy in our relationship and what I wanted to work through by the time I speak with Jane again. So that is what we are focusing on. I'm feeling much more peace every day. I'm trying to rest in the positive...being really joyful in giving her the space she needs. Moments get tough...old anxieties pop out, but I'm working towards good health. She said to keep blogging especially when those anxieties pop out so I can allow the anxieties to be there but be calm AROUND those anxieties. This makes sense but it going to be a challenge I know... And life goes on...off to lunch and then to the office! A good day was had by all!!!

I appreciate what you are saying but this blog is MINE and doesn't reflect any conversations I intend to have with her...only it is a replacement for what we don't have right now This is MY coping mechanism and I have no intentions of sharing this with her. It is my place to process and to cope. I'm sorry you disagree but I don't believe, nor do my therapist or my life coach believe, that blogging to help myself process is a violation of what she has asked of me... Sorry...I respectfully disagree with you...

A short one tonight since we chatted earlier today. I'm feeling wonderful right now...I miss you but yet I feel wonderful. Like I've been able to let go of some crap I've been carrying around...I dunno. I suspect my new therapist will have some insight tomorrow. We'll see how that goes. Thanks for listening though...I appreciate you hearing me out! Pretty good day today...I remember in moments in the past when I've been overwhelmed I let things pile up and get messy. I decided today that would not happen. So I kicked butt and did some box unpacking upstairs...some stuff in Sam's room and definitely the living room. I hung up some pictures and stuff too so it felt like HOME. It's starting to feel like home. I took a couple of long naps today...I needed it so I indulged myself. Sam said prayers for you again tonight "I love Jane very very much...I can't wait to see her. I want to go to a hotel with her and mommy and Margaret!!!" :yukyukyuk: He just cracks me up!!! But he does love you...that much is clear. How are you...almost done with your first week, eh? How is it feeling? How are you? How can I continue to love and support you? I know...give you space...and I am...but heck, this is my dialogue so I'll ask what I want to ask!!! :hahaha: I'm bringing a picture of us in Philly to Sam's day care...You know...the one with us all with the "quackers" in our mouths!!! :yukyukyuk: They want a picture of his family so I liked that one and thought it appropriate. I have to do some lecture work right now and then my nightly meditation so I'm going to sign off. Sleep peacefully my dear...I am holding you in my arms! I love you! XOXO Robyn

I know I usually talk to you at night but I had to tell you now...I'm Sorry...I'm so very sorry that my own baggage contributed to how you are feeling right now...that you felt I didn't support you. I really get how you would think I was doing stuff for me and not for you. That's been with me all day today. I know, I bring my relationship insecurities...that I kept emotionally reaching and holding on to you as I was leaving...I couldn't bear leaving you... Up until that moment I felt solid, and calm, and present, but as i was leaving I let Judi get under my skin and it undermined me...my bad. I also realize you felt pressure from me for you to call me every day...because that is what I was used to...because that is what I wanted...I'm sorry. I'm struggling trying to figure out what you need...I get it now. After I left, my adrenalin high fell hard and my ability to be solid and calm and present evaporated. Not permanently as I've regained it but for those few days afterwards I felt drained...not just because of you but also because of everything I had been going through...job search, moving, traveling, getting the kids...no reserves to tap into...I lost it. They were right, I didn't have the wherewithal to be able to give you the support you needed, i.e., have you stay with me while you healed. And I do need to heal and stabilize and work through back to the strong person I was a few months ago...you need stability and I couldn't offer that. I have never loved anyone as I love you...and I know you feel and have said the same. I know when I was out there, you felt the connection but didn't want to deal with the pressure and insecurities I had, nor did you have the strength to fight off your OWN demons...your fears of intimacy and vulnerability. Let's both do our work, as we have in the past...know that I am here...I am waiting...I am patient...I support and love you and want only the best for you. I want to be your safe haven...and I can only do that if I am healthy and strong. I'm sorry...I love you! I'll talk to you later tonight!

Bravo from one DOCTOR to another!!! Got my phd in 2001 albeit without having had a stroke so I can't imagine how this is for you nor can I even imagine the JOY you will feel finishing. I know how I felt and I'm sure that will pale in comparison! You can do it...feel free to PM me for support if you need it!!!

OK...so I miss her A LOT...I feel the absence!!! I'm trying to examine...is it really selfish of me to want and need her in my life? I found myself thinking that this morning when all I could think of was "PLEASE CALL ME!!!" and then I realized it was because that's what I NEEDED, not what she needed and that could be considered selfish, and understandably what she is reacting to along with her old intimacy demons. I'm not trying to say..."It's all my fault" because that was the old doormat Robyn who took on the responsibility for everyone else's feelings...I did that in my marriage...took all the blame and I realized that was wrong and foolish. BUT, I know and own that I may have contributed to her feeling so overwhelmed because she means so much to me and I do NEED her in my life. I'm mourning what I am missing... I can see that...I can see how she'd see that. I need to get past this...YES, I need her in my life but I don't want it to be unhealthy. My life WILL go on even if Jane and I end. But she enriches my life and I know I enrich hers...and we are GREAT for each other. We have, in the past, accepted each other's foibles and worked together to be in a healthy place. I'd hate to think that she'd want to end it all without giving us a real chance to work things out. I don't think she will as long as I am working to be healthy as is she. But she didn't say she wanted to end it...she said she wanted space to deal with her healing. And she asked me to find a way to heal myself. I'm the one that panicked and asked her if she wanted to make this permanent and she said she didn't know...maybe... She didn't offer that, I asked because I wasn't being present and I was worried about the future, not about what she needs NOW. So I really DO have to work on being present...on not worrying about the future because I can't control it, no matter how difficult that is. That's what the therapy and coaching is about. I let my own insecurities out of the bag and that overwhelmed her...she can't deal with me and her simultaneously. So I have to figure out how to keep that under check...thank goodness therapy begins tomorrow. Still breathing...still feeling good...but still missing her...!! :wub2:

Do you have ANY idea how much I love you??? Yeah...I know you do...I love that that is our signature saying to each other...the call I made and the statement I made that opened up the door to the most beautiful 3 years of my life. I miss you... SOOOOO...you are halfway through your first week at Spaulding...how's it going? What do they have you doing? How are you feeling? How does this experience make you feel???? How is living with your family? Have you been able to make peace with that? Has your mother been a help or been just a royal PITA? I know this isn't the best situation but I hope you are getting the privacy and space you need for yourself. I can't imagine living in your sister's sun room does wonders for your privacy, but she insisted and we couldn't argue so there you are... It was the last place Sandy and I wanted you but there didn't seem to be any other place for you to go. People were reluctant to have you come with me because of my new job, and the kids and stuff, but you KNOW my home was and is ALWAYS open to you...you are my family...I love you!!! Anyway, I look forward to hearing the answers from you on how these early days are at Spaulding. It is supposed to be the best so it better deliver...!! :hahaha: I had a good day today...kids were good...started Suzuki lessons which THRILLED Margaret. Teaching went well although I keep forgetting these are 1 hour 15 minute lectures not 2 hours like at RPI so I have to shorten my lectures! :hahaha: Otherwise I will run hopelessly behind all semester! Both kids said prayers for you tonight. Sam said he REALLY loved you and missed you. And he wanted you to hurry up and get well soon. Margaret said a silent prayer...wouldn't share but I know she misses you too and is worried about you. You are on my mind all day so I hope you feel the healing energy and love pour from me! I am doing well overall, aside from missing you!!! I've moved, I think, into a better place of presence and mindfulness...doing a lot of self-examination, but remaining full of optimism you are getting well and will return to Colorado soon!!! I know your emotional/spiritual recovery will grow exponentially once you are there...that can't come soon enough!!!! I'm tired...need to sleep so I'm going to close my eyes after reading a bit, OK?? I love you very much...I hold you in my heart and in my dreams! XOXO Robyn