Robyn

You DO have a lot to get out of life Bill. And HECK...normal is only a setting on a washing machine...it is really relative. Normal is what YOU make it to be!!!

It is here for you...!!! My pleasure!!! Peace and Namaste, Asha!!

You are a survivor Mel...BRAVO!!! :friends: You are my hero!

The ebbs and flows of life are amazing...we ride highs and we hit lows. The human mind, body, soul, psyche is incredibly resilient, even in the darkest moments. Today felt a lot better. I lost it last night...felt INCREDIBLY overwhelmed by EVERYTHING...not just the Jane stuff, but with all the changes in my life ON TOP OF dealing with the love of my life who is in pain and is trying to heal from a devastating experience. There is a Metta mantra "May you be happy, may you be healthy, may you find peace as you ride the waves of your life" that is repeated in yoga and meditation...a prayer for those of you who are not familiar with eastern philosophies/faiths. I was reminded of that this morning...talk about riding waves...UGH...I feel like a champion surfer and have felt so the last 5 years. It began with 9:10am 9/11/01 and continues to this very moment. Stunning... I actually know I have been riding waves LONG before 9/11 but that is the most VIVID moment for me...the best/worst day of my life that truly changed me, I think for the better...OK...I KNOW for the better. Let's be honest here, eh! When I went to my first real retreat in January at the Kripalu Center in Massachusetts that was where I really understood what it meant to have a life that comes in waves. I remember one of my first therapists talking about that, but I didn't really get it and he couldn't put it in the spiritual frame that helped me to really internalize it this go around. I understand now that despite all the awful things that had happened to me in the last few years, I knew this was a part of life and I had to learn to deal with it...to be comfortable when I had no control...to try to be in a place of peace, even when I felt like the world was chaotic. I wrote this poem when, in the early NASCENT stage of my relationship with Jane, she felt the need to put up barriers and cut off communication from me because she couldn't cope...ultimately she realized quickly that wasn't healthy but I understood and accepted it was what she needed to do to allow herself space to welcome me into her life in a healthy way. I feel confident she will return to that healthy place again...I know this in my heart and soul and in the fiber of my very being...and I don't believe it is foolish optimism...it is just what I know...hard to explain. Anyway...the poem is listed in the Inspirational Thoughts and is called "ROLLER COASTER"! http://www.strokeboard.net/index.php?showtopic=6028 It seems I even understood then, in those dark days before Jane emerged from her cocoon, that life was a series of ups and downs...soaring and then grounding...I remember the strength and support I felt at that time. The sense of self that was very strong. I lost that for awhile in those intervening years as I got beat down by RPI and all the crap that happened there...the lack of understanding...the shortsightedness. Now I have a chance to recapture that...WHICH, by the way, I had been working on since January and that retreat, but obviously I need much more work... This is, as I said before, my learning...being patient, being present, learning how to wait and not make it all about me... I hope the universe is sending this beautiful energy and peace to Jane...how can it not???!!!

I am smiling today...I will blog about that later. I just feel better. She is already getting the psychological help she needs and I trust in the person IMMENSELY!! She is also my friend and knows how much I love Jane even though I crossed a bit of a line a while ago crying on her shoulder thinking I could lean on HER for support. I know she will bring Jane back to the healthy person she was emotionally before all of this...I know that in my heart!!! Thanks for sharing that Bill...I hope things can remain good and strong between you and your wife despite the separation.

Have I mentioned to you how much I love it when you call me Babe! You've called me that from the beginning and I love it every time you say it! Tougher time today...I got a bit overwhelmed with all my school stuff and life stuff...worrying about the house back east that hasn't sold yet...about money...about managing the kids on my own...about the unsettledness of my life right now...about the fact NOTHING seems familiar. I know...I know...be present. And I got there...a good cry and sending the kids to bed early did wonders and it allowed me the freedom to just sit here and relax. You know...some days the kids just press all my buttons. I realized one thing at a time would be accomplished and it would all get done. Staying present...and breathing. I spent time in my office today...for the first time really since I moved here. It felt good...I just needed to sit there...to be a part of it since I have felt so disconnected from everything for a while. I got some work done and met with my TA and another student. Overall pretty productive so that was good. I'm ready for class tomorrow...thankfully I can teach HR in my sleep, you know?!! Kind of like when you teach the leadership class...you don't even really have to think about it...it just is and I'm in the moment and connected to the students. I was thinking about that discomfort you said you were feeling...truly trying to figure out how that squared with the connection we shared when I was out there. And I realized that that discomfort you felt was in reaction to me but not with the attribution you were giving it. You have always said that you aren't used to feeling vulnerable to someone...weren't used to having someone so intimately entwined in your life. I think that is the discomfort you are feeling...that old issue that when you are healthy, you can work on so you can move to a healthy place. But right now as you are struggling to some clarity through this stroke, you can't tap into the means you have used in the past to squelch those fears and be in that healthy space. You said before and AFTER the stroke that you wanted to move closer to me...I believe truly that is what you may ultimately want...but when you say that, the old demons come up and cause you to panic. You just don't have the emotional wherewithal to battle the demons back...I understand. I know I may have put to much pressure on you to connect, but I was trying to connect with you in a way that represented the intimacy we have shared in the past. I thought giving you solid ground and consistency with the past would help you, not push you away...I guess I was wrong. It caused you to misinterpret my actions...caused you emotional turmoil...not my intent but I can't take it back now. WHEW... We've always gotten through everything with honesty and dialogue...I hope as your head clears and you get more clarity, you and I can talk, and begin anew...even if that means we have to take a ride down memory lane to reestablish the trust and connection we had before...even if that means we have to learn how to battle those demons again...TOGETHER...I'm up for the ride...I hope you will be too!!!! Good night, sweet angel...I am holding you in my dreams as always! Sending you my love!!! XO Robyn

I can agree with you in so many ways Bonnie but I'm sure as you were going through it, it didn't feel that way. And I know it doesn't feel that way for Jane either...at least not right now... I'm just trying to be mindful of that for her right now... I agree stroke happens to the family, this is why the rejection from her bio family feels so miserable...they forgot I'm part of that family unit too and am also affected...

Good point Bill...thanks...Yes, I am healing too, but in a different way. Perhaps I should say..."She is the one with the stroke." Taking it one day at a time though, nonetheless...

And yes...I will make it...with everyone's help and support...!!!

Thanks Sherri..I would ABSOLUTELY switch in a heart beat. I'd throw myself in front of a train if I thought it would help her, but I know it won't... Know in YOUR heart that YES, if we family/caregivers could make it better for you, we would... :hug:

Having a tougher day today...still OK...just missing her terribly and trying to remember this is hard for me but desperately harder for her. She is the one healing. Remembering to breathe...

I've decided since we usually speak to each other before we go to sleep that I'd try to have that dialogue with her here...Her voice was always the last I heard every night...I'm missing that so I hope this will help me cope a bit. Hi sweetie...how was your day? Mine was pretty good...busy, as it was the first day of teaching at SIUE. I think it went well...I think the students really like me which is good. Now if I can keep up the pace and get the research going so I can secure tenure that would be great. Don't want a repeat of RPI, KWIM? Margaret spent the day with me...didn't want to go to the day care center with Sam so that was OK...I let her stay. She had a good day. She's been really strong and helpful. I can't explain it...its been a huge change. Maybe because she realizes I am missing you terribly and am so worried about you...I dunno. But I know she misses you and is sad right now that you aren't feeling well. And she does love you, as does Sam. Sam said to me the other night "Mom, we are running out of time...I want Jane to get better." Its like he knows and he feels what you are going through in some weird way. You've always said you and he had a special bond and I think it is coming through. He keeps asking when we are going to see you again...I told him not for a while because you had to get better. Hopefully that will be true...sometime soon... I secured a therapist finally, and had my first coaching session with Aruni which was awesome. I will continue this no matter what...it was REALLY helpful and she is wonderful. I think one day that is what I will be doing...but right now I have to heal and focus on so many other things. You've been a wonderful role model in that area...how you've managed your life and your coaching and your career... The therapist sounds like she'll be good...we'll see...first meeting is for free and we'll check each other out and see if it will work. Aruni will manage my spiritual and life/work support, while the therapist will handle my emotional needs, but since she also has an M.Div can respect and reinforce my spiritual needs which is good. Both Aruni and the therapist are "family" so I know that will help, too. I hope you are getting better...I love you so much. I want so much to love and support you...whatever you need. I've never had to deal with someone who's had a stroke...I'm going to stumble and make mistakes but I only want the best for you. I feel awful that you think I am not supportive of your needs...problem is I'm trying desperately to figure out what your needs are. I'm getting more clarity thankfully. But any mistakes I've made have been done out of love, not malice...you know that. I KNOW you know that and feel it. I told you when I was with you that YOUR job is to get better...that's it...and that our relationship could take a back seat. This isn't EXACTLY what I had in mind as a "back seat" but if that is what you need I give it to you lovingly and willingly...all I want is for you to get better...just get better... So I will say good night my love...get well...stay strong...have sweet dreams and know in your heart that I love you very very much... I am holding you in my dreams. I'll talk to you tomorrow! XOXO Robyn

I'm so busy today...first day of teaching. Adrenalin kicked in and I just performed for them and had them eating out of the palm of my hand. It is all a struggle moment to moment, but as those weak moments come I remember it is still early in the healing process. That despite her anxieties and difficulties sharing her thoughts right now with me, especially on the phone, that she does love me but can't focus on our relationship and my presence is just a reminder to her that she can't be there for me and doesn't want the pressure to do so. That is hard, but I keep reminding myself...it is the stroke...it is the stroke...it isn't really her. Even she acknowledged that as we chatted last Saturday...she knew her brain was still swollen and things were not clear for her nor could she put her feelings to words. I know Sandy will help her return to herself...I have great faith in that...I just have to be patient. As Jean said...put my fears on hold for a while. Easier said than done I might add :hahaha: but I'm willing to try. Less than a month to chat with her again...lots of growth and healing for me in the mean time! I say good morning to her every day as I wake up and good night to her as I go to bed. I'm sending her love and healing and I hope she feels that and accepts that! Great session with Aruni. I wasn't sure how to keep the boundary between therapy and life coaching and she just drew the line and kept me focused. It is so nice to have someone to lean on IRL. Gave me something to focus on and actions to accomplish. Now to get through my night class...sigh... I now have a Friday appointment with a new therapist...keep all fingers and toes crossed...I'm feeling supported IRL FINALLY...!! I've been getting lots of virtual support here and with my friends long distance but it is good to have the support face to face, KWIM?

thank you Sherri...I really appreciate hearing from you on this. someone asked me about what would be hardest for me...leaving or staying and waiting it out...honestly, staying and waiting it out is the hardest for me...so I know that is where my learning is for me right now and is what I have to do...

Jean...this statement keeps resonating with me...I keep rereading it and it is giving me some peace...thanks! Robyn

I do yoga and pilates and meditation...and I begin a workout regime this week at the Y...I agree...channeling it all will help...

Yes...I can do that...I'm working on that. I really want to do that! That's why I'm just letting my stream of consciousness out here...trying to let the fears OUT so they don't stay with me INSIDE. I'm trying to disassociate from the musings because I know it is my minds way of coping with all going on. My meeting tomorrow with my life coach should really help me on my way with that...but these are the questions that float around in my head and if i don't ask them, I can't answer them and find a way to peace around it. Does that make sense??

I don't want anyone to think because of the title of my blog, that I blame Jane in any way for the state we are in. I don't...I blame the stroke...and I'm angry at the stroke...FURIOUS that this hurt her, and me, and us... I've gone through a ton of stuff over the last 5 years...almost dying 9/11, having a son, moving several times, divorce, coming out, new relationship, losing my job due to ignorant shortsightedness on the part of my employer (since gotten an apology but it didn't change things)... Some people wonder why I'm still standing...HOW I'm still standing... Strength...faith...I don't know...good therapy...good sense of self. People may wonder why I feel this grief so deeply... Well...considering what I've gone through the last five years I thought I had my fill...I thought things were on the upswing, and now that has changed...AGAIN...and it just sucks. And its OK if that sucks for me right now because it does. The question is, what do I do with those emotions...do I blame and get angry and become immobilized or do I learn to live with the situation for now and just move on? I'm strong...always have been, always will be...and I'm a good person and a devoted partner. I know the sun will come up tomorrow and in a year from now I will either have moved on or will be with her working on things...but for now, there is no way I can plan it or even think about it...I'm just here...NOW...

So I slept awful...like THAT's a big surprise. My head full of her. I continued to try to breathe deep, slow breathes to relax and keep focused and that helped. I think I finally fell into a deeper sleep close to the morning. The kids slept in which was nice. Tomorrow I start working with a life coach. Aruni is a lesbian, has a strong spiritual base, and I've been to several seminars with her at my retreat house. I trust her right now because of our spiritual commonalities and because I know she understands the connection I have with Jane... Here is my struggle...some people have said to me...just move on, if its meant to be, its meant to be...others have said, just give her the space, she may come around with time and healing. So how long do I wait...how long do I allow myself to sit in limbo "waiting for a crumb" as some have said? It WOULD be easier for me to just let go, tell her the door is always open for her but allow myself to move forward and onward with my life. But should I do the easy thing...shut the door that I promised would be open for the short term? Or should I wait and see and hope...when does the waiting become hopeLESS and dysfunctional and unhealthy? Her first request is only a month to wait...so I'll just take it a month this time and then see how I feel. And if it looks promising...maybe wait ANOTHER month. I know she is changed but I'm trying to figure out how much of my instincts and gut feel are just hopeless optimism or real insight into her current state. Her connection struggles are sadly not new ground. EVERY relationship has its issues...I brought baggage to the table as did she...and her baggage was her inability to make herself vulnerable to me. But we did conquer this...with a well mind...in our relationship which is why we both felt that we were STRONG before this happened. Which is why she said she was considering changing jobs and moving closer to me BEFORE the stroke happened...she had finally learned to let go and to trust because she knew we were strong and good for each other. I was learning to trust her love and space too...trusting when she would go inside herself to heal herself that she would ALWAYS return to me...ALWAYS. And I had learned to trust that. Should I let go of that trust now...? I don't think so as it feels soooooooo premature. When I was with her, the connection felt like it was there...it truly did. I truly believe that the discomfort she is feeling is simply the regression back to what was past habit and comforting...to just be independent and only depend on herself. I'm hoping as her thoughts clear over the next couple of months, these memories and thoughts will come back to her. I trust her therapist will not let her stay in a dysfunctional "only depend on herself" state. I know she was working with her to accept the help from her family...to let go of past issues to get herself better so she could return to Colorado where she wants to be ultimately. If she can bring Jane back to HERSELF, I think Jane will come find me. That's assuming there really isn't severe damage to her emotional state. When we were together, I asked her if she was ready to accept help from those around her as I knew this was a big struggle for her. She has accepted help from her ex-therapist/mentor, her business associate who is managing her day to day affairs, and her family which was a HUGE struggle for her. But accepting help from them frankly is easy/ier because they don't threaten her emotional vulnerability in a loving committed relationship...they represent family ties and friendships, albeit friendships with a lot of love. They only go so far into the intimate reserve we hold sacred in ourselves. It is different to accept and welcome being vulnerable to someone with whom you are developing/DID develop an intimate relationship. Our level of intimacy is BEYOND anything she has with those people and that, I'm sure, in and of itself is hard for her to get right now so turning to them first IS easier and makes sense she'd surround herself with folks who can help her and keep things easy for her. Which is as it should be I guess, although that's a hard one...but I want to understand that and really own that feeling. I miss my therapist...she understood my history and my history with Jane and all I have gone through over the last 5 years, and even in my lifetime. I am sad about having to start anew but hopefully a new fresh perspective will help. That's all for now I guess...life goes on...and I have way too much to do.

Thank you...thank you...thank you...I needed to hear that Bonnie...thank you... Jean..I hear you and that may be true and I'm SURE is true at some level. BUT, I always checked in with her...always said, is this comfortable for you...do you want me to stay...do you want me to go. What do you want from me, and I always did as she asked...ALWAYS...would any lover/husband/wife do anything else but that? Stroke is a FAMILY DISEASE. It doesn't just affect the stroke survivor but the family as well...I am her family and YES, I am affected to... So yes, I am checking in with my heart...yes I am concerned about how this affects US and ME, but I've never wanted to do ANYTHING but support her and I always told her that...always told her not to worry about us...to focus on her recovery. And I believe my actions supported that... And yes, under the influence of her family. Even her therapist confided in me that she was/is concerned about having Jane enmeshed back in that place but unfortunately it is the best place for her right now. OK...I don't want to sound mean...I don't intend to, but I know what she's shared with me and what I've observed...and I recognize I'm speaking from a place of pain right now but...well...whatever...YES, she is under the influence of her family. All I can hope is that she escapes soon...soon...

So...here I go...blogging in a moment I never thought would ever come. A month ago Jane had a stroke...I was 1000+ miles away...I couldn't be there...I couldn't save her from the devastating effects. I flew out there as soon as I could...I spent tons of money I didn't have and spent every moment I could with her...I love this woman, more than breathing. She has said to me, and we had pledged to each other, that we were each other's safety, family, soulmate... We had gone through a lot with our long distance relationship but we always talked, and we always came through for each other. An underlying subtext for her, always, was her difficulty making herself vulnerable to me. Her difficulties accepting help and love from me. Trying to undo 47 years of programming because she felt like her parents were never there for her. When she was healthy, this was something she worked on and we had made progress...she said she had let me in closer than she had ever let ANYONE in but that it was something she had to work on...something that she was learning to trust. So now she had the stroke...and she has regressed back to that place of not being able to accept her vulnerability towards me...unable to let herself be close to me because it scares her. She called me today...told me she didn't want me to contact her, or her family, at all...I'm cut off cold from this person who a mere 5 days before the stroke told me I had taught her so much about intimacy...that I was the most important person in her life. She said she wanted to take it month by month and that she'd contact me in another month and let me know how she is doing. When she told me she wanted to cut off contact, she said she couldn't put her feelings into words...I can ONLY imagine how that must feel to her. She kept repeating that...I just can't find the words right now. But I know what those words and feelings are...I know her all too well. When I asked her if she was lying when she said "I am reconsidering my independence...I want to be closer to you" she said, "No not lying, but I don't feel like I'm being honest about the underlying discomfort I am feeling. I just can't explain it." Well...I'll put words to it because that underlying discomfort is the old demon coming back to roost...her difficulty making herself vulnerable and letting me in close. It is what has destroyed past relationships and has also inhibited her from engaging in ANY relationships for the longest period of time. When she was well, we had worked past that...now that she is not well, she can't deal with that. What was hurtful to me was when she said it felt like I wasn't supporting HER but supporting MYSELF...WTF is that all about? Why would I drop EVERYTHING, risk my job, handoff my kids, work like a dog on her farm to fix it up while I'm out there, scramble through her affairs and her accounts so people could gain access to her money and handle her day to day affairs...I was the only person who knew her account numbers and codes...the only person who knew how her financials were set up...all of this to support MYSELF????? When someone says "Robyn, you are my safety...you are my family" I trust that means I'm supposed to drop everything, continue to show my support through my love, give her EVERYTHING I have to give? What did I do wrong...what did I miss? And then it occurred to me...I really DIDN'T do anything wrong...I did what any normal loving relationship does...I dropped everything to be by her side, to profess my love and dedication and loyalty to her. To tell her I accept WHATEVER the stroke gave our relationship. But she can't accept that because that is her burden...her baggage...her area of learning in this moment. That someone can love her and accept her and want to give the world to her. These are HER demons, not mine... So I wait...for another month to chat with her and see how she is. In the mean time, I am going to write her a loving letter explaining what I am observing. Even if this doesn't save OUR relationship, perhaps it will help her so that she doesn't spend her life alone unable to make herself vulnerable to someone...even if it doesn't help US, it might help HER. Isn't that love...and devotion...and selflessness...? I am a good girlfriend, right...not a selfish ogre...?