Robyn

Can you believe its Christmas already? Unbelievable...where did the year go? Actually, I DO know where it went but it sure went by fast! I'm happily camped out in the cafe at my retreat house, Kripalu. It's wonderful! It is peaceful, relaxing, quiet...I can have alone time if I want it...I can socialize if I want to. It's all good. Lots of things have happened this year and I'm trying to take this time to reflect on all I've learned this year and try to move continually forward in my life. This blog and this community has totally saved my life and helped give me the balance I needed to survive the last 6 months. I am so grateful if I haven't said it before. I am here and alive and LIVING my life in large part because all this group has been here with arms outstretched helping carry me through one of the toughest experiences of my life. Some good things to note...I weaned myself off of my anti-depression meds (Cymbalta)! So far so good. It is the first time in a year I am DRUG-FREE!!! I think I have learned so much about managing my life and my emotional state in the last year. I am doing all the right things to keep myself strong and balanced. I work more closely with my life coach now, but my therapist is still there...helping me deal with those last bits of hurt wrought by Jane and her insanity. Another good thing is that YES, I am officially dating someone. I'd like to say we are still "taking it slow" but I'd be lying!!! Things were going pretty reasonable there for awhile and then we had a huge blackout in our area because of an ice/snow storm after Thanksgiving! Because she was without electricity, she ended up staying with me for a week. Needless to say, it is hard to "slow down" once you've shared intimate space like that for an extended period of time. I'm not uncomfortable or unhappy...it feels right. I also acknowledge to her and to myself that I'm not fully healed from my hurt. And she knows and accepts that which is good So as long as I am being honest with myself and with her and being mindful of my feelings and hers then all seems to be good with the world. The kids ADORE her which is wonderful and Margaret says she likes her way more than Jane! I guess that is a testament to "the universe providing"!!! More later...I actually have some quiet time to really reflect on things this next week so I plan on using this blog to do that! Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!!! XOXO

Oh boy, Bill...I could REALLY use the MOJO!!! After the 8th, I'll retrieve it! :hug:

I missed you Asha...I love sharing eastern philosophy with you! The universe provides us with all we need and doesn't give us more than we can handle. I was just thinking the other day that because I have truly tried to live a life of integrity and honesty, even though I've had some tough times, I kept my integrity through it all and now I am reaping the rewards!!! I'm smiling!

Ann...I say the same thing about you! You ALWAYS make me smile...thanks!!! Bonnie...thanks for thinking of me!!! I realized I hadn't been here in a while and needed to update everyone and get back into the swing of blogging. I've missed it! Yeah...I'm good! Life is good...still crazy, but isn't it usually crazy anyway!!!! Kids are enjoying violin and swimming and in the spring will do soccer. Two more weeks though...then the semester ends! YAHOO!!!!

AWWW Thanks! nice to be missed!! Bill...I hope you and Bud are doing well. Has the house sold yet? Sherri...how does it feel to be Dr. Sherri?? I love academia...there are some crunch times, but then I have ALL SUMMER FREE!!! YIPPEE and I can work at my leisure! It is very rewarding and I wouldn't want it ANY OTHER WAY! It's just crazy until you get through finals! BLECH! What are you planning on doing with your PHD now???

Thanks Jean...as I've said before, I'm not going anywhere. This time of year I hardly speak to ANYONE, virtually or not! You guys are my friends and I love being a part of here! It brings me a lot of joy! Yes, there is a life after a crisis. As I told my friend, you have to want it, be willing to look for it, and be open to whatever opportunities come your way! I think responding to her email last night about her feelings about Jane really helped me out, too. It really IS Jane's crap... Anyway, back to writing final exams...UGH!!

Maybe...maybe not!!! That's OK...I've been very busy...end of semester grading...Thanksgiving holidays. Last I checked in here, my ex had come into town to see the kids. The following weekend I brought them to Albany to visit HIM, then the Wednesday after that we left for Milwaukee to see my sis and her family for Thanksgiving. It was fun and relaxing although I got a speeding ticket driving up to Milwaukee on Wednesday...sigh...80 in a 65, right outside of Springfield, IL. Driving down rt 43 in Wisconsin, however, I could fly! Did I mention I love driving fast?!! This past week I've just been getting back into the swing of things. Getting ready for final exams, final projects/papers, and the holidays! WHEW... Where did November go??? Anyway, on an interesting note, I've met someone and we've been on a few dates... She gets where I am at with all the stuff with Jane and gives me the space to do what I need to do for me, yet I REALLY enjoy her company and we chat all the time. She has met the kids and they seem to like her and vice versa so hopefully that will continue work well! One day at a time!! I got an email from a friend who worked with Jane and also had a personal relationship with Jane as friends. She is feeling the same sort of rejection from Jane. I tried to comfort her without biasing her with my own anger/frustration issues. I did tell her, however, that it wasn't HER, it was about Jane and her issues and to NOT take it personally. I think she appreciates that... Jane is completely and totally selfish, and it wasn't the stroke that caused that...she was before, but I think most people forgave her that foible because of other attributes she had. I think her true colors are now coming out and if she is cutting herself off from close friends, as well as me, this is a truly troubled woman we are dealing with. Jane's loss...truly... I have really come to feel sorry for her. My life is rich and full and joyous...I have great friends, a new love interest in my life and the support of some pretty incredible people. The last thing I want is to be with someone who'd rather cut herself off from life and living...not me or my style! I hope Jane will be happy...I doubt it though...I think she is just surviving emotionally speaking. And that DOES make me sad for her... Anyway...I see craziness in my future with the end of semester stuff but I'm looking forward to submitting grades and chilling out for a few days! Love y'all and missed ya! XOXO

Congrats on the race! What is the connection between the race and the stroke...did the race precipitate the stroke or was it simply a coincidence! Either way, I'm glad you finished...what a victory!!! Glad you were wearing your helmet too...WHEW!!! It is cool that you are just embracing jumping back into life!! BRAVO!!

The world does go on...I knew it in the midst of it all, I just was unhappy about the changes. But yes, I am happy...joyful...full of life again! This place has been invaluable!!! I love y'all!! This is the real me...I HAVE RETURNED!!! BWAAAHAAAHAAAAAAA!!!!! It's all good. Sending her box of crap back to her finally pushed me to the final healing place I think. It helps, as I've said before, that we had a long distance relationship...nothing to disentangle... Sam is doing great as is Margaret...YIPPEE!! And they will be with their dad this weekend as I have fun and get some work done!!! Welcome back Ann!!! Missed ya!

Oh sweetie...never regret making yourself vulnerable for love!!! The pain means that you are feeling and that what you had was incredible!!! I hope you can see him in January. But, no matter what, I hope you get help for yourself...find a counselor that can help you get through this...I found it invaluable as Jane and I broke up...

Thanks sweetie...I've missed you! How are you feeling? How is your health and all the other things going on in your wonderful life??!!!! How is your daughter...ACK...I have tons of questions! Get that movie list done so we can compare notes!!

Hi...I missed you! :hug:

I'm smiling from ear to ear with a HUGE CHEESY GRIN !!! I'm SOOOOOOOOO glad!!! Yes...acceptance and the new normal. It's all good. We all resist change and you've finally come to the place where you've gotten somewhat used to your changes. I can relate...me too!!! It's all good!!! I'm SOOO pleased! Congrats!

Here's a description from the web...it is in French with subtitles but I laughed hysterically... THE MAD ADVENTURES OF RABBI JACOB (LES ADVENTURES DE RABBI JACOB) (1973) Mad Hilarious comedy starring famous French comedian Louis de Funes as Victor Pivert, a bigoted and racist industrialist. While is on his way to his daughter

Amazing what happens when we slow down and take care of ourselves...our mind opens up to many new possibilities. Meditation does that for me...forced time to just reflect on myself and let the musing in my mind come to the surface! Great ideas, Sue...I hope it works for you! You have my support if you want to brainstorm!!

Have you suggested an antidepressant for him, perhaps to his MD's? I think some times medical doctors tend to forget the psychological impact of stroke. Perhaps that will help his sadness...that and some therapy to help bring him gradually to acceptance.

Ok OK...here goes...unsure I can remember them all: African Queen What Dreams May Come Key Largo (YES, I'm a Bogie fan!) Shrek/Shrek 2 The Mad Adventures of Rabbi Jacob (ROTFLMAO!!!!!!) Fried Green Tomatoes It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad World Monty Python ANYTHING (Holy Grail, Life of Brian....LOL!) Henry the V (with Kenneth Branagh) Dead Again Sense and Sensibility (with Emma Thompson) A Fish Called Wanda Chaplin (with Robert Downey JR) Anything Harry Potter Anything Lord of the Rings Anything Star Trek (live long and prosper!!) Grease Dead Man Walking Philadelphia Big To Kill A Mockingbird Twelve Angry Men Geeze, I could go on forever...this is a beginning. I'll be back I'm sure!

Exactly Bonnie...you can't find happiness hiding in a hole...! As I said, I have warm memories of those good times together, when she was willing to try...but sadly she isn't that person. And I've come to accept that with, as you said, new knowledge and insight about me...about life...about what I value and won't compromise on... I had a great time last night...met all sorts of lovely people and helped out an important cause...The Human Rights Campaign (HRC) which supports equality rights for Gays and Lesbians. Not just marriage equality rights (controversial issue at best) but basic civil rights... I got involved in the silent auction and won two gifts! Money goes to a good cause so that is important!

Great movie choices!! I have to say I couldn't stand ELF...something about Will Ferrell is really annoying to me!!! I loved Dead Man Walking, Grease, Fried Green Tomatoes...sigh...great movies!

My condolences! I remember when both my grandmothers died...your life changes ever so subtlely. I remember sitting with them as they cooked sharing family stories! Wonderful memories! Enjoy your beautiful memories...

I'm SOOOOOOOOO glad he is home and improving. Children are very resilient! Loads of blessings for you and your family!

I'm glad you spoke with him...how wonderful!!!! It WILL work out...it just feels right!!!

So this will be my last grownup fun thing to do between now and the end of semester I think. I have happily used my babysitter the last couple of weeks. It has been enormously helpful, enabled me to get out and recapture my social life. Last week a concert, the week before, dinner with friends. This week a concert last night and a formal fundraiser dinner dance tonight (I'm volunteering to support the event). I've enjoyed just stretching my wings a bit. I had a dream about Jane this week...not a romantic dream but one that really helped me see her for the person she is now...someone with emotional problems who is just not the person I fell in love with. I'm honestly not blaming it on the stroke. I truly believe that the crap was there but only sitting under the surface. The stroke only opened the door to let it out... I wish I had been smart enough to see that. But I wanted to believe what she was telling me...that we were strong...that we could weather anything. I wanted to trust...I DID trust. But I also know if you don't trust, if you don't believe, you will NEVER EVER experience the joys that true love can bring. So I'm not afraid to make myself vulnerable one day again. Everyone that has heard the story has said it is COMPLETELY and TOTALLY HER CRAP and HER LOSS...friends, acquaintances, and complete strangers... I will always love her, but I'm more than ready to move on...the pain is less and all that remains are loving memories of what WAS, and some sadness about the way she handled it all, especially how those surrounding her handled it...I can NEVER EVER forgive them...NEVER. Her, I can forgive because I actually feel sorry for her...and I'm never one to feel sorry for someone because in some ways I feel that can be condescending (hard to explain what I mean right now). But yeah, I feel sorry for her... So maybe forgiveness is settling in now...it feels that way...

I've been going what feels like nonstop for the last week...! I do this...I dive in with two feet then realize that I've crossed the border and adjust back to an activity level that works for me. Its all about the balance in my life. Right now I'm just wiped...spent way too much time having fun...although I needed it, you know. Now I have to really focus on my work and bringing the semester to a close!!! And getting more sleep! More later!!!

Exactly, Donna...the days ARE easier. I had a dream about her last night...it was interesting and is making me think a bit. Not about getting back together with her, but more about forgiveness. In my dream she was just simply out of it. Absolutely NOT the person I fell in love with... Somehow that is helping me... Still working on it...