Robyn

Stroke Caregiver - female
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Blog Entries posted by Robyn

  1. Robyn
    First, I want to say...I'm not giving up hope yet...not yet. Really...! But I wrote about this in some of my early journaling that is not on-line...how does one make themselves ready for the worst case scenario while still maintaining hope and presence? I think I've done that. I believe I am prepared for this to end. Not that I want it or think there's a high probability of it happening right now, but I am prepared. And that's also not to say that I won't be angry and hurt and sad and devastated if that is what does indeed happen...but I've created space for that possibility within me. It is sitting there right next to my hope...almost like they are sitting there hand in hand...just waiting for their opportunity to act...waiting to be called up. We are waiting for her call...ready for any eventuality.
     
    I was sitting today thinking about what I consider a healthy relationship. Jane has always known that I won't settle for someone who won't talk to me...who pushes me away...who runs instead of confronts the problem. I know she believed that was the healthy way to be as well because she always met me half-way... And when she was tempted to run, she always "self-monitored" and told me she was holding something back, confessed and moved forward communicating with me. I did the same. It was something we were proud of...we knew it was work but we knew it provided for us ENORMOUS rewards by allowing us to be open to the rewards of intimacy and honesty!
     
    Anyway, I totally and completely understand that the stroke has created the emotional lability in her...that she is in survival mode...that romantic relationships are NOT a priority right now. I also accept that she has regressed to old comfortable coping mechanisms and "putting up walls"...old pre-relationship territory between us...is where she will be until she develops more emotional wherewithal as time goes on, to conquer her old intimacy fears. I have accepted those fears as part of her history and in the past, as long as she was willing to work past them, I always stayed with her every step of the way. That is how we built trust between us.
     
    So that brings us to now...and the possibilities ahead of us. Essentially it comes down to two things... 1) she may WANT this relationship ultimately and WANT to reclaim her past emotional health but is unable to do so right now...she'll want to still keep some distance until she heals more. OR 2) she may want to give up and end this. I know that I am willing and able to stick with her for as long as is needed if she WANTS this relationship to continue. I will wait for her, fight for her, work with her for as long and as hard as it takes to make it happen. AND if its not meant to be after that, then I can accept that, even if it hurts. But if she wants to let this end without even trying, then it feels as if the last 3 years are a lie. I can't explain it but if she wants to end it, it means she doesn't have faith in our relationship...doesn't want to try to return to a place of good emotional health. I can't and won't fight her on that because there is no point. I DON'T WANT IT TO END because I know how good it WAS and CAN be still. But I can accept that is NOT a relationship to me...someone who leaves when the going gets tough...who backs away during the bad times...who doesn't WANT to have an intimate relationship. I would never have been in a relationship with her if that is how things were. They weren't, but I knew that had been her in the past and I knew it was something she worked on all the time. So if that is her choice, then I don't want a relationship under those terms. I deserve better...I deserve the best in all honesty. I think being able to accept that I WOULDN'T want a relationship under those circumstances allows me to accept that is a possibility and sit with it.
     
    Does that make me a bad person? No...because I am not the person who would be leaving...I don't want to leave. I don't want to end it...but I don't want a relationship under those terms either.
     
    So...here's another question...let's say she wants to end it now but realizes over the next 6 months or so that she made a mistake...that running away and leaving the relationship was foolish and an error. That she regained the expected clarity after the stroke and realizes that she wants to try again...doesn't want to lose what we had. Do I accept that...do I try again? I have kids...it is hard now explaining to them why we haven't heard from Jane. It will be even harder to explain why Jane doesn't want to be a part of our family any more if that's what happens. How do I let her in our lives again? How do I protect my kids? CAN I protect my kids? I know that no one can answer these questions and trying to answer it isn't exactly being present...in THIS moment. But that is out there for me... I also know it is several steps ahead of where things are right now so I don't see any point in trying to "WHAT IF" the situation.
     
    But I don't want it to end, nor do I necessarily think it will end. But that chance is there...I'm not sure what odds I would give it but I guess maybe there is a 30-ish % chance she may want to walk away...maybe 20%...hard to tell because I haven't spoke with her in almost a month. I know she is only getting better in that time, but I don't know...it is still hard to judge. I think all the signs are good she'd hang in there until time heals her a bit... As I said in a previous blog, the advantages are that she was emotionally strong BEFORE the stroke and I know post stroke she wanted to retain that emotional strength and was working towards it. Another advantage is the connection we had while at rehab...that doesn't just disappear...the words and sentiments shared just don't disappear.
     
    Anyway...I know I had been resisting even allowing that as a possibility. The "suffering" I have been feeling has been my resistance to that as a possibility. But I think I have found a way to keep my hope, but allow for the possibility of it ending to be there...hanging out...just sitting and waiting. Hoping not to be called to action, but it has to be there and ready, just in case. I am accepting there are just things I can't control and life will toss me what it will toss me...and I will survive...
  2. Robyn
    In some ways this day sort of pales in comparison to what I am dealing with now...a partner whom I love who is struggling to heal from a stroke...who is shutting me out. Jane has spent the last few years with me on this day...for support. She knows this is a day that changed my life in so many ways. I'm trying not to think, maybe she'll call...maybe she'll remember...because its really not that important right now, remembering this day relative to her healing. But I'd be lying if I said there wasn't a small part of me that would love to hear her voice today...just for a moment...just to hear her say "I'm thinking of you". Strangely she has always been the first person to tell people about my 9-11 experience. It seems weird not to share it with her today.
     
    As for my experience...why it is the best/worst day of my life...that's today story. I lived on Staten Island, was working at a university in lower Manhattan. I caught the 8:10 ferry that morning...a lovely 30 minute cruise into the SI Terminal near Battery Park. Typically I sat in the front, on the deck, taking in the sea breeze, watching the majesty of lower Manhattan loom into view. The sky was perfectly clear...it was the second week of the semester, and I had a 10am class that morning. We docked at 8:40am...I immediately went into the subway tunnel...2-3 stops and I'd be at City Hall which would take me to work, right across the street from City Hall and at the base of the Brooklyn Bridge. We waited for the subway..."Smoke condition at the World Trade Center"...nothing new under the sun there...this happens all the time on the subway system. So a few moments later, a subway arrives. They won't be stopping at the WTC but warned people to get off either right before or right after the WTC stop. As we approached the stop underground, however, we were told they'd let people ON, but NO ONE was to get off because of the smoke condition. Whatever... We stop, someone gets on all frazzled..."A plane hit the WTC..." Many of us laughed...yup...and martians have landed on the moon. Stuff like that doesn't happen...perhaps it was a small commuter plane, like the one that hit the Empire State Building so many years ago...but a jetliner...HA HA HA...not likely. I prepared to get off at the next stop.
     
    As I emerged from the subway stairs, you could smell smoke and you could see a plume come from the first tower hit...papers flying everywhere...a surreal scene. SOMETHING DID HAPPEN...the person wasn't kidding... Fortunately my job was on the OPPOSITE side of Broadway from the towers so I could walk across City Hall Park and be in my office and not have to be closer than about 4 blocks from the WTC. As I began my trek across the park I looked up...saw the second jet aim for the other tower...heard a giant explosion...saw the fireball surround both buildings. I grabbed a woman walking next to me and we both did the "duck and cover" the kids learned in the 50's...not that there was any place to really duck but we ran for a few moments in case the fireball dropped down on us. Nothing...at that point it was contained at the towers. The sky was filled with helicopters...the streets were filled with people and police and firefighters and ambulances...a cacaphony of chaos more intense than the normal hub bub of peak commuting hour in downtown Manhattan. It was surreal. We were mesmerized by the destruction in front of us. Flames, smoke. papers flying...people jumping...beyond description...
     
    I went into my office. My mom was in Newark Airport awaiting a flight out. Thankfully, flights were grounded before she was even supposed to take off. But I didn't know that for a while...I worried one of those planes could have had her on it...we had no idea where they came from. Only that they had found their final resting place in lower Manhattan. I watched the news...the Pentagon had been hit...another plane had crashed in Pennsylvania...WHAT THE F*CK was going on??? We were being attacked, that much was sure. I cancelled class and decided I had enough...time to go home. Back outside into the chaos to make my way down to the ferry terminal. Decided to walk since it was unlikely the subways would be running reliably right now.
     
    I started out down Nassau Street. It runs parallel to Broadway and eventually merges into Broad Street when it passes the Stock Exchange. Figured that would be OK...enough of a buffer between me and the flames. Two blocks down the street and I hear another horrific crash...ANOTHER PLANE???? I had no idea...I was blocked by tall buildings. Three of us who were walking down the street suddenly found ourselves plastered against a building...shielding each other from the unknown. Then you heard screams...here comes a cloud...!!! So I ran east...towards the seaport. I figured if the flames were heading our way, the safest place was the water, even if it WAS the polluted East River. I could hop on a boat and perhaps even make my way down to the ferry terminal to get back to Staten Island.
     
    Once I got to the seaport, the sky was dark with soot and smoke and papers and debris...the sun was blocked out. I couldn't see anything. I tried to make my way to the ferry terminal. I saw one man whose back and legs were not exactly in alignment lying on the ground with people comforting him. Computers broken...briefcases laid open with papers flying about. People look they are emerging from nuclear winter... Another major crash...still couldn't see ANYTHING. I approach the ferry terminal...I'm refused entry...lower manhattan is closed and I have to make my way north. I start walking up the FDR and I'm refused entry to the exit that will take me over the Brooklyn Bridge...the easiest route to where I want to go...the dust cloud has covered the roadway and they won't let me walk through it. I'd have to go further north to the next accessible bridge...the Williamsburg. I overhear a group of people saying they were heading to Staten Island...figured there was strength in numbers so I tag along. I don't remember their names but they remain engraved in my memory as wonderful people.
     
    It is impossible to get a call through on my cell...cell towers are disabled...circuits are busy. As we head north I look back..."Where are the towers? Is the smoke still covering them?" NOPE...they're gone...fallen!! HOW??? WHEN??? WHAT DID I MISS? Then I remembered those horrific unknown crashes and I knew that is when it happened... If I wasn't in shock before, I was now. I kept walking...into Brooklyn...blocks in until I reached a subway station, as yet still not running, and settled down to eat something. I was still picking the dust and debris out of my hair and nose and mouth and clothes. The rest of the day was a blur...just trying to get home from subway to subway and bus and car...I got home around 5pm...left the house at 8am.
     
    The worst part is that my house used to have the most spectacular view...I could sit on my porch or in my bedroom and see the NY harbor, the statue of libery, the WTC and the Brooklyn Bridge all in one panoramic view. Now all I saw was flames and smoke and destruction. And I had just brought my bedroom curtains to the cleaners so I couldn't shut it out...couldn't close off and forget what was happening.
     
    It was the worst day for obvious reasons...no need to go into that. Why was it the best day? Well...it truly made me realize that life is short. I had been struggling before this with accepting what I had always tried to ignore...that I was a lesbian...that I was more attracted to women than men. But I lived in a bubble...didn't want to hide it or deal with it so I locked it all away. But then 9-11 happened and all the locks fell away and the door was wide open...I couldn't ignore it because all my defense mechanisms were shot to hell... It was finally there, staring me in the face and I had to deal with it...had to lead a more authentic life.
     
    The next two years were ugly...individual therapy, couples therapy...then a decision to embrace my life and accept me for who I am. Doing that enabled me to really grow emotionally and spiritually...it enabled me to open the door to allow Jane into my life...showed me a depth of love I had NEVER EVER EVER thought possible for me...I figured it was a fantasy...someone else's dream but not for me. And then I met Jane and that was all I needed to know. I could have that love.
     
    So 3 years have gone by since we met...since I opened up my heart to a love I never thought possible. We both thought we had found nirvana...had found our soulmate... So if you want to know why this point in time is so difficult, so hard to comprehend...read my story...know my heart...know that I've been through some pretty horrific changes in the last 5 years beyond anyone's comprehension. That I had come through it more whole, more at peace and more in love than I ever thought possible for one human being. It was the best day for me because it really made me realize that I am strong, and I am worth love...the best possible love imaginable, no matter what, and I won't settle for second best.
     
    I miss Jane...I am strong, I love her and I'm not ready to give up hope yet because life is too short... I'd rather live through a dozen 9-11's than have her go through what she is going through right now. I want to make it all better, and I can't... I just want to hold her in my arms, and make it all go away for while. All I can do is hope and pray that the love that we shared sustains us.
     
    I can't wait to talk to her soon...even if its not today...
  3. Robyn

    Day 22...Still amazed...

    By Robyn,

    I am continually amazed at the resilience of humans. OK...amazed at my own resilience, too! I mean, heck, this is my blog and my blog is all about me, right? Yesterday, I struggled in the doldrums...holding on to negatives...struggling to push them away. I did, but it was hard. Today, again, almost polar opposite. As I said awhile ago, I really am getting the notion of riding the waves of life. The pleasure and restful nature of the UPS and the struggle and pain of the DOWNS... Yes, I know this is old territory in my blogs, but I'm seeing this in a richer and deeper way today. Pema Chodron, a Tibetan Buddhist, in her book Comfortable with Uncertainty said:
     
    THE FIRST NOBLE TRUTH SAYS THAT IT'S PART OF BEING HUMAN TO FEEL DISCOMFORT. NOTHING IN ITS ESSENCE IS ONE WAY OR THE OTHER. ALL AROUND US THE WIND, THE FIRE, THE EARTH, THE WATER, ARE ALWAYS TAKING ON DIFFERENT QUALITIES; THEY'RE LIKE MAGICIANS. WE ALSO CHANGE LIKE THE WEATHER. WE EBB AND FLOW LIKE THE TIDES, WE WAX AND WANE LIKE THE MOON. WE FAIL TO SEE THAT LIKE THE WEATHER, WE ARE FLUID, NOT SOLID. AND SO WE SUFFER. ...[W]E RESIST THAT WE CHANGE AND FLOW LIKE THE WEATHER, THAT WE HAVE THE SAME ENERGY AS ALL LIVING THINGS. WHEN WE RESIST, WE DIG IN OUR HEELS.
     
    Yesterday as I read that message at the end of the day I had that notion of trying to fight/control things...that I was resisting being uncomfortable and the mechanisms I was using to protect myself, yet again...the "ITS OVER...HOW CAN SHE DO THIS!?!" mantra...danced all over me and caused the suffering. It ISN'T OVER...she isn't DOING THIS TO ME...but that's my own ego, trying to protect me from hurt, which, in the long run really only causes more suffering. FASCINATING and AMAZING to actually see these writings and musing in practice!!!!!! This is never really something I saw before.
     
    The harder thing to admit is that things may change...this MAY end up with us not being together. I don't think this is true. certainly not based on the time we had in the rehab hospital and what other stroke survivors have told me may be going on for her, but it IS within the realm of possibilities. And I do have to face that as well...I'm resisting that too. It isn't something I'm ready to concede right now and frankly there is no reason to do that. There is nothing said between us that says "this is totally over". There is an ENORMOUS amount of love and connection between us...that doesn't disappear with a stroke. Yes, it is hard to focus on when all your body and mind wants to do is survive BUT that connection is there and I know she knows that because she acknowledged it and felt it too. BUUUUUUUUUUUTTTTTTTTT...it could happen...and I AM resisting that, hence the pain from that as well. I think I was trying to work through that yesterday, as well, and honestly I'm just not ready to do that. That is for the future...not now.
     
    So I'm back to this notion of WITNESSING myself go through this experience. Taking a few steps back and reflecting on how my spiritual lessons are manifesting themselves in my life right now. And I remain AMAZED!!! It works...it REALLY works! Does that mean I've MASTERED this...:hahaha: UM...nope...but it means I can see it for what it is and that's positive.
     
    Today was overall very nice. The kids and I returned to the zoo and met a new friend and her son for the day. We had a great time and eventually left the zoo, went back to her place, then off to a coffee shop to play cards and hang out some more. The kids got along great...and she and I had fun chatting. We plan on spending more time together as friends which is cool. She is fascinating...is a social worker...has dual citizenship in South Africa...has traveled all over! She is interesting and it was a pleasure to have a nice, adult/semi-intellectual conversation about the world as we see it! This is another example of accepting changes...that I don't have my close network of friends from back east right now and now that I'm in a new location I have to make new friends...another change. So far so good...this one was a lot easier than the other stuff but still.
     
    So I end the day...still need to get a bunch of work done...but I'm STILL AMAZED...
     
     
  4. Robyn

    Day 21...Baby Steps...

    By Robyn,

    Another pretty good day with the kids. Sam hit Margaret at some point this morning but a swift time out and some talking afterwards and that situation was resolved. They played well the rest of the day, other than the typical bickering that happens among siblings. We had Group Violin lessons today and afterwards had lunch and then went bowling at the student union on campus. I'm STUNNED at how cheap it is...$1.25/person for shoes and then $2.00/game...regardless of the number of people. I know from past experience that Sam doesn't do well with more than 1 game so we played just one game, the lanes were basically empty, and it was $5.75 for some afternoon entertainment. Back east it would've been a $30 day between food and bowling...I LOVE the midwest! Margaret beat me...of course she bounced off the bumpers much of the time but she had a good game otherwise. I couldn't get a rhythm with the ball because I couldn't find a 10 lb ball with the holes big enough for my fingers...ah well. I'm not a great bowler, but I have fun. Typically I can break 100...I've had as high as 140-ish, but not today!! :hahaha:
     
    The kids made a playhouse in my bedroom...my bedroom is basically the basement family room so it is pretty spacious, even filled with my furniture and stuff. Now they are watching cartoons hanging out in their little cubby space. This enabled me to do my own personal work today on the computer...scanning material and getting lectures ready for Monday...while still hanging together.
     
    Tomorrow we are going to meet a new friend and her son at the zoo. I'm looking forward to getting out and meeting some new folks. It'll be nice. She and her girlfriend recently broke up so it'll be nice to lean a bit on each other!
     
    I got a call from a friend who said she brought someone over to see my house back east. The woman seemed interested in it so we'll see if it will sell...I can ONLY hope!!! Keep your fingers and toes crossed!!!
     
    Even though I've been better about navigating the highs and lows lately, today I struggled getting out of a low. I felt some despair I guess because I was mindful 3 weeks had passed since I last spoke with Jane...she said we'd talk in a month but who knows what that means...will it be next Saturday on the nose? Probably not so I'm trying not to count on it. Perhaps because the time is coming closer I am also steeling myself for the worst case scenario. I still have faith...overall I am OK...but I'm still cautious... I finally sat at dinner and was able to push it aside...reminding myself that I won't know anything until we talk...and that it has ONLY been 7 weeks since the stroke so this isn't going to happen overnight. Flooded myself with the positive memories of the last 3 years and even the time I spent with her in the rehab hospital. Still breathing...still hopeful...still hanging in there...
     
    ...Taking baby steps...
     
     
  5. Robyn

    Hey Babe!!!

    By Robyn,

    Wow Sam had a tough day today...poor guy...he misses he old school...misses his old teachers and friends...misses his dad...misses our old house...misses you... His life has been turned on its head and he's just 4 trying to deal with it all. He has been lashing out at the new school...hitting his teachers, pushing classmates. The positive reinforcement worked for about a week but he's still struggling. Today was not good. I actually had to stop by school to calm him down for the afternoon. He was better after that until he got home and then he just fell apart. Too much for him...I just stayed with him in his room for about an hour until he calmed down and went to sleep. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.
     
    Anyway...How are you? How was your day? It's OFFICIALLY 7 weeks since your stroke. How are you feeling about that? Do you think you are making progress? What still scares you?
     
    I'm plugging away. Good therapy session today. I'm pleased with my new therapist. I think she'll take me to the next step, beyond what Diane did. Diane could only take me so far...I don't think she pushed me enough towards the end. She was wonderful for those initial issues and struggles but I needed something more. I'm glad I have Joy right now. She's really strong and really different from Diane.
     
    I spent the afternoon in my office and got some work done for research...things are moving forward which is nice.
     
    I rented Brother Bear 2 today for the kids. It reminded me of you because I remember you watched the original Brother Bear and it really forced you to confront your feelings for me. That was the last time we had to maintain some silence and distance between us...it was a productive time for us, as this is I'm sure as well. Even though the silence between us is difficult for me right now, I know it is what you need and I'm supportive, my dear...whatever you need, it is yours. This movie wasn't as good as the original but it was still nice. Sequels are RARELY as good as the original, as you know.
     
    I TRULY MISS YOU!!!!!! I'm REALLY am concerned about you and your progress!!!! I hope you are getting better every minute and are having the peace of mind and comfort you need right now.
     
    I am going to say goodnight! I love you...I miss you...I am here and am not going anywhere!!! Have sweet dreams and I am holding you in my arms!!! :wub2:
     
    XOXOXOXOXOX
  6. Robyn
    Sam had a better day today. We had a firm discussion that despite his unhappiness and desire to go "back to his old school" he had to be nice to his new classmates and he could not hit them or his teachers. I think allowing him to cry and talk about his sadness last night helped him. I'm amazed that even at 4 he was in touch with his feelings and could verbalize them. I guess I've done a pretty good job raising my kids if he can talk about what's bothering him with some clarity.
     
    This afternoon as I picked them up, I wanted to reward them for good behaviors...decided to get some videos and a treat. They just disintegrated in the video store...pushing each other, rolling eyes, sarcastic talk...typical sibling bickering and 9 year old drama...sigh... I put the candy and the videos back and we left the store. I won't tolerate poor behaviors, especially when I'm trying to do something nice for them. It's as if they thought it was an entitlement. LOTS and LOTS of tears on the way home and then I put them in their rooms. Ultimately, I got an unsolicited apology from my 9 year old daughter which was a victory for sure. My son had to be prodded a bit but that's typical of 4 year olds.
     
    It is hard managing kids, especially by yourself. Regardless of the issues with Jane, which ARE a bit of an emotional drain on me right now, it isn't easy being a single parent. There was a fleeting moment a few weeks ago that I considered giving the kids up to go back to their dad full time. It was fleeting, but I was feeling so overwhelmed with everything...new job...solo parenting...Jane's stroke...and I wasn't even going to be her caregiver!!! EVERYTHING felt so crazy. I realized I could do it and I collected myself and pulled it together. But, yeah...it was tough.
     
    I love my kids and enjoy having them with me full time rather than bouncing back and forth between both parents as they did for a few years. I think this stability IS, in the long run, better for them although the transition is going to be rough. Obviously, the issues with Jane complicate things. Both kids miss her...and they also sense my own sad feelings about it all. I am involved with them...movies, swimming pool, violin...I'm making it happen, but I'd be lying if I said it was easy. Being in limbo right now makes it tough. I'm trying to bring back some day to day joy, but I'm just not able to go there fully yet. I've talked about that with my therapist. She said making it happen...getting them to school, studying with them, playing with them, even if it isn't "perfect" right now is OK. It doesn't feel perfect...and I DO feel bad about that, but I am human and I am hurting. How do you do your job as a parent while simultaneously allowing yourself to feel worry and pain and hurt and concern for a loved one? Is there a "right way" to do it? I suppose not...
     
    Jane and I always made the kids a priority with respect to OUR relationship. When her father died, I couldn't go to the funeral because Margaret got sick at the last minute. I was able to go to the memorial service last August...a year ago, but I missed the actual funeral. She always knew and accepted that kid issues were a priority. You might think that is a no brainer but I had seen so many friends who struggled with leaving a marriage and coming out and just left their children in the wake...moved in with new loves within weeks of meeting them. That just wasn't what Jane and I were about. We moved deliberately and slowly. Built our friendship, let things grow and nurture. Because most of our relationship was on the phone we learned to talk about EVERYTHING and work it out ALWAYS. We demanded and got brutal honesty from each other about our relationship. The kids were ALWAYS a priority and she had finally embraced being a step mom.
     
    So yeah...this is tough and this situation affects all of us. I don't know if there is a right way to handle this and the kids. But at least I'm trying. I'm just looking forward to talking with her some time soon to see how things are going...I miss her horribly...
  7. Robyn

    Hey Babe!!!

    By Robyn,

    How was your day today...?? I was thinking of you all day! Wondering what you are working on...how you are feeling...how you are coping...? Tomorrow is 7 weeks since your stroke...it feels so long ago yet 7 weeks is really nothing in the big picture... I have so many questions...wishing I knew what was going on...
     
    We had violin lessons tonight...they seemed to go well. Sammy is very enthusiastic and is enjoying it so far. Margaret is dedicated as well. I can't wait for you to hear them play...it'll be nice!
     
    I picked up People Magazine today and thought of you as I read it. I know how much you love it!
     
    I just wrapped up my three free coaching sessions with Aruni. She is offering me one month for $200/month...3 - 1/2 hours sessions and unlimited emails. It is a bargain but not something I can afford along with regular therapy so I asked her for something less for now and eventually as my therapy winds down I'll up the coaching. Right now therapy is reimbursable from insurance and medical spending...coaching isn't...until I have a better sense of my budget I don't want to commit to a ton of money. It's hard...truly hard, but that's the way money is until my house back east sells. I know you can emote...I'm sure your house in Ohio hasn't sold yet either.
     
    I'm feeling tired right now so I'm going to sign off. I think of you all the time...I love you...I miss you...I'm waiting, no problem!!! I'm not sure I could love you more than I do now!!! You are my heart and my soul...my love and my life! I hope you have sweet dreams!!! I am holding you in my arms!!!!
     
    XOXOXOXO
  8. Robyn

    Day 17...Keep pushing!

    By Robyn,

    I am finding now that the end of the day is much better/easier than the beginning. Don't know why...I'm CONFUSED...it used to be harder to actually sleep at the end of the day, now it is hard to wake up and get moving. Nausea is still there even though I am eating...I'm trying to gain some control over that with breathing and centering. Note to self: Take Cymbalta AFTER you brush your teeth so you don't spit the pill up...sigh... I guess when I have the day to work on being present it is easier by the end of the day to just relax. But when I wake up, I am hit with the realization that it is not July 16th, it is September 5th and its been almost 7 weeks since she had her stroke...things are different now...REALLY different. It takes me a while to get my bearings, but once I'm going, I'm going. I know this is depression tugging at me so I'm resisting it and pushing myself rather than succumbing. It worked this morning...I just scolded myself and pushed through it.
     
    I joined the Y awhile ago...wanted to start exercising and just couldn't get the energy over the last 3 weeks. I joined a Pilates class and I just said "I'm not wasting the money...I'm going to go if it kills me!" I forced myself to go today. It felt good to just move my body and remove some of the nervous energy. I'm feeling more called to do my yoga and pilates again. Don't know when I'll pick the yoga up but I am hearing it call me. I think I just need to sit and listen for awhile...see how that goes. The meditation helps at one level but I think I'm finding it isn't enough...I need something else. I started thinking about that after reading Cope's book "The Wisdom of Yoga"...as one of the character's yoga and meditation practice deepened, they were able to make peace with many things. I'm thinking I have to continue to dig deeper through more yoga practice as well as the meditation.
     
    I'm home now...going to do some research and writing...pushing forward to get work done...it is imperative I don't lose this momentum! So I will just do it! With or without Jane, this is a priority. WIthout getting tenure I'm SUNK in academia...
     
    I'm worried about my coach...we were supposed to chat yesterday and I didn't hear from her. Her mom was being operated on last week and I'm afraid something bad happened...I called her to offer my support and to just have her call me when she can! Hopefully I'll hear soon from her!
     
    I think I'm in the mood for sushi for lunch...mmmmmmmmm...its been a while since I actually craved food so I guess this is a good sign...plus I'm starving!!!
     
     
    ************************************
     
    Sushi lunch was good...with miso soup...I feel VERY healthy! Dinner was good too...PAPA John's pizza...I had 3 slices. More than I've eaten in weeks. I've lost about 23 pounds since the beginning of July...sigh...not a good way to lose weight I'm afraid so now I'm trying to up the exercise and increase the eating to stabilize my weight. Day by day, right?!! Getting strong...!
     
    I got two books in the mail today by Pema Chodron...Comfort with Uncertainty and When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times. I can't wait to dig in!!!
  9. Robyn
    I spent time chatting with my mom today. A few days ago the bird I gave them 12 years ago died...it had been my pet but I was living with someone at the time who was allergic to him so I gave him to my parents. They are profoundly sad...missing the chirping and chatter that had become a part of their lives every day. On top of that, my mom is caring for my great aunt who had an intestinal blockage in March...had been in the hospital for two months, rehab for a month and is now home trying to relearn to walk and stuff. My aunt is 92. My mom hasn't stopped moving for months...is realizing that my aunt may need to go into assisted living because there is only so much she can do for my aunt at home now. My aunt is OK with that...she accepts it. Has always been a positive person and loves living so she just adapts and goes on living whereever she is. She is my idol!!!
     
    I watch my mom and listen to her struggles. I realize my struggles are minimal by comparison. And then she said something wise...Jane is with you, she just can't be there for you right now. By keeping your distance, you ARE helping her with her healing, even if it doesn't feel that way. If you were pressuring her and trying to make contact, you'd just give her undue stress...something she doesn't need right now.
     
    I mean I knew all of that, but when she put it together that way I understood it in a different way. I guess I am used to leaning on Jane in my moments of stress...and I have to learn how to lean on myself. Her love taught me a lot and gave me strength but that strength was within me, not her. I can't lean on her now and perhaps not into the future...she is weakened and can barely be there for herself right now. I have to be the strong one...I have to be the person on whom she can now lean...and be strong...and calm...and present...and a safe place for her to share her fears.
     
    I knew all of this, but it was nice to be reminded...its too easy to forget... I suppose at 43 I can still listen to my mom...
  10. Robyn
    I had a good therapy appointment today...dealing with my own demons...trying to figure them out...trying to figure out how to maintain a good attitude even as the waves break over my head and I feel like I'm drowning. As my therapist said, this moment has brought all those insecurity demons up to the surface.
     
    The yoga-sutras talk about "The Witness"...watching your mind and your behaviors and your habits, but not identifying with them. I feel like I've been watching myself, through good days and bad, trying to figure out my triggers. Because I am so uncomfortable with uncertainty my mind and my body are CONSTANTLY trying to escape the discomfort. And then what causes me pain are the "escape mechanisms" that I let take over...the hypotheticals that this relationship will be over without giving it a chance to reconnect post-stroke. What would I rather have, discomfort or pain...? Neither, personally, but given a choice, discomfort has to be the way to go, no doubt about it. I'm uncomfortable...I don't know how this stroke has affected her emotionally...I don't know how this will affect us...I don't even know what's going on with her day to day when I USED TO know that...for 3 years I knew that and now I'm shut out and it is excrutiatingly uncomfortable. But I can't sit in a place of pain, not understanding and appreciating what has just happenend to her because if I don't then my insecurities take over... So my learning, that I have to just sit with the discomfort, is what I'm back to. How to do that is the trick.
     
    One thing my therapist suggested is to let what I know intellectually take the lead...I KNOW she has had a stroke...I KNOW this causes emotional upheaval and discontinuity...I KNOW we felt connected in the hospital...I KNOW she loves me because she said so while I was there...I KNOW she is having problems talking on the phone and our relationship is on the phone right now...I KNOW she is an introvert and pulling away is typical for her...I KNOW she needs space right now...I KNOW our relationship was strong before this...I KNOW she didn't ask to break up, ONLY asked for space so that we could each take care of our own stuff...I KNOW she said she was open for working on this once she felt better...I KNOW she is working hard to recapture herself and has lots of UNKOWNS ahead of her...I KNOW SHE IS SCARED AND TRYING TO FIGURE IT ALL OUT...I KNOW ALL OF THIS. And I think what I have to do when my insecurities and escape mechanisms and old ugly past hurts and pains and habits come back to haunt me is to reread this list...to remember that I have to be patient and let the process take care of itself...she will heal and then we will talk and work on this... After "Witnessing" myself this week I know this is what works for me and keeps me grounded. On the good days, this helps...on the bad days, I don't do this and I let my fears and insecurities take over. I think this was a good lesson for me to really understand WHY I let the triggers go and what causes the worst waves.
     
    A good week for self-analysis to understand myself...to make myself healthy for Jane. The insecurities HAVE to be wrestled and to do that I have to understand them and how they take over.
     
    For those of you who read this...this is sort of a summary of my lessons learned over the last couple of weeks...a reflection of what I'm doing to make myself whole so I can be ready to be strong for Jane if this relationship is to continue. I'm laying bare my demons, finding the way to internalize and truly wrap myself around what has happened to her and how this has made changes in our life. I accept things will change... I really want to work on it...I just have to give her the space to catch up to me...and I know she will in time.
  11. Robyn

    Hey Babe!!!

    By Robyn,

    I'm wiped...Sorry I'm not feeling very profound tonight...just got my period so my body feels like it got beat up. I guess you are probably facing the same deal, eh...yours should be due any moment now. It knocks you for a loop on a good day, let alone with the utter exhaustion you are feeling due to your stroke right now. You have my empathy, my love.
     
    Got a ton of work done today at school which was good. I didn't work out like I thought I would because I was so nauseous and tired this morning (took a nap instead) but I got to the office around noon and got a lot of teaching stuff out of the way so I'm taken care of through next week... :Clap-Hands:
     
    I went to a parent orientation at Margaret's school...I like her teacher...she is very nice and I like her philosophies about education and the classroom. I think this should be a good year for her at school...FINALLY!
     
    Sam got in trouble at school again...using his hands...sigh. Trying to keep him under control... I punished him when we got home. NO TV and he had to stand in a time out for a while. HE's only 4 so there's only so much you can do to him, you know? But I spoke sternly with him and told him he was hurting his teacher's body and her feelings...I think that got to him. I'm going to try to set up a reward system of some sort...good days gets a special treat...bad days means no treat. We'll see how it goes...I think he'll calm down eventually but right now I think things are just upsetting and new to him.
     
    Tonight he wanted me to tell you he loves you and wants you to get better soon. OH...and he still wants to go to a hotel with you!! LOL!!!! He misses you...a lot...
     
    I am going to just pass out tonight...as I said, not feeling profound and I have to teach tomorrow morning.
     
    I love you, I think of you every moment of the day...I want you to get better!! Sweet dreams and I am holding you in my arms!!!
     
    XOXOXO
  12. Robyn
    I did wake up with a stomach ache this morning but I suspect it had more to do with the chili cheese dog I had for lunch and the slice of yummy pizza I had for dinner... A few TUMS and my tummy ache seemed to evaporate. At 43 I just can't handle that stuff no matter HOW MUCH I love it! :hahaha:
     
    A few worries entered my mind but I settled down...remembered to stay present and to not think about the future because the future doesn't mean anything. What matters is NOW...what I am doing to help myself...what Jane needs right NOW!!! Yesterday's exercise...putting myself in her shoes...writing it all down...laying it all out there was helpful. It continued to enable me to get out of my own way and really see how tough this is for her. This isn't a normal situation...it isn't PAST relationships and hurts...it is the love of my life HURTING right now and TRYING DESPERATELY to get better.
     
    I was thinking this morning we had both made a lot of "deposits" into our relationship over the last 3 years. The last year I've had to make a lot of "withdrawals"...I was suffering...she was supportive. Now it is her turn to make "withdrawals"...unlimited if need be for the time being. I will quietly and lovingly make the deposits for her so the source is endless. I want to find a way to let her know that without it putting any pressure on her. I'm sure I'll figure it all out...it may just need to be "understood" right now.
     
    I'll be back later tonight to explore what she is going through further...to answer more of the questions Jean posed to me!
     
    *************************************************************
     
    okey doke...I'm really called to exploring what would happen if she couldn't teach or do her coaching any more.
     
    If she couldn't teach or coach any more it would tear her apart. It is her passion as well as her bread and butter. It might also mean she'd be unable to develop the leadership institute she wants to start in Colorado. All the paperwork is set up to do it...and she isn't the executive director, Ann is, but still, it is really all about her vision and its her energy that will drive the organization. If she doesn't have the energy to lead this and add the intellectual and spiritual contribution, it may not sustain as it would be just another organization...not HER vision. What would she do instead...wow...no idea. She is open to medically retiring from her academic job to relieve her job stress which caused the HBP, but if she is severely compromised that might make even doing the consulting which supplements her income impossible. So she is truly focusing on making sure at a minimum she can continue to adjunct and teach on-line, even if she might not want the stress of a regular tenure/tenure track academic job. This way she can still make an income doing the things she REALLY loves without the nasty stress and politics of her job. But if that's not possible...whew...no idea...really. We've never talked beyond that...it was never a consideration. She might become a hermit on her farm...or perhaps, if she can feel up to reconnecting with me, she'd come to depend more on me to help and support her. NOT what she wants for herself right now I'm sure BUT its an option. I don't think she's ready for that...we talked about that upon old age retirement...not now... So she's scared and I'm sure wants to do everything to bring herself back to a productive academic life!
  13. Robyn
    Overall I do feel good, but those evil gremlins...the evil demons...come back to haunt me. My fears the relationship is over. My insecurities because this is all unfamiliar ground...nothing to compare it to. In the past as she pulled away, I knew I could count on her returning because she was healthy. But this is all unknown so my demons come out and dance around me, taunting me. I gave in for a while...let myself go there...considered what it would feel like and what I would say if she said, "Its over and I don't even want to try." It was awful and ugly and I hated being in that place. And then I realized it was those insecurity demons taking over my brain...EVIL DEMONS!!!!!!!!!!! OUT I SAY...I CAST YOU OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Then I said, do I have any data that says she will leave...any data that says she DOESN'T love me? NO... I had to beat down the demons and remind them...she is healing...this is HER time...she can't think beyond survival mode and a long distance telephone relationship is not a priority, despite her saying I am her safety, her family, her best friend. Since I can't care for her as her safety/family/best friend, she has to push me/US aside...for now...only for now.
     
    I remind myself...we'll talk in about 3 weeks...perhaps I'll hear from her sooner...perhaps not. But I'm giving her the space she has asked for. I can't be selfish and expect her to think of me and our history when she is remembering simple, basic tasks. I wish I could help her...I wish I could've been the one who had the stroke, but that's not possible.
     
    I want to work on the source of this insecurity next week in therapy...I think that will help me gain control over it. Much to do the next couple of weeks for sure. I realize I am reacting to her as if things were normal...as if it was the way it was two months ago. How would I have reacted if she just pushed me aside then? I would've panicked and been upset and angry and all the things I'm feeling now. But my emotional reaction keeps forgetting she's had a MAJOR ILLNESS affect her. Intellectually I know that but emotionally my reaction isn't there yet and it bothers me. That's not right and I want to get to that good space, knowing and internalizing that its the stroke and not me...
     
    I'm letting the uncertainty be there, letting my insecurities be there...but I'm also remembering this is for HER, not for me right now. I keep reminding myself I'm going to be OK and we will do our best to work things out. It'll be OK...really it will...just learn to be patient...and calm...and TRUST in our love.
  14. Robyn
    I got to meet with my therapist for the first time today. She is going to work out just fine. I'm thrilled. I shared with her my revelations about being so needy in our relationship and what I wanted to work through by the time I speak with Jane again. So that is what we are focusing on. I'm feeling much more peace every day. I'm trying to rest in the positive...being really joyful in giving her the space she needs. Moments get tough...old anxieties pop out, but I'm working towards good health. She said to keep blogging especially when those anxieties pop out so I can allow the anxieties to be there but be calm AROUND those anxieties. This makes sense but it going to be a challenge I know...
     
    And life goes on...off to lunch and then to the office! A good day was had by all!!!
  15. Robyn

    Hey Babe!!!

    By Robyn,

    A short one tonight since we chatted earlier today. I'm feeling wonderful right now...I miss you but yet I feel wonderful. Like I've been able to let go of some crap I've been carrying around...I dunno. I suspect my new therapist will have some insight tomorrow. We'll see how that goes. Thanks for listening though...I appreciate you hearing me out!
     
    Pretty good day today...I remember in moments in the past when I've been overwhelmed I let things pile up and get messy. I decided today that would not happen. So I kicked butt and did some box unpacking upstairs...some stuff in Sam's room and definitely the living room. I hung up some pictures and stuff too so it felt like HOME. It's starting to feel like home. I took a couple of long naps today...I needed it so I indulged myself.
     
    Sam said prayers for you again tonight "I love Jane very very much...I can't wait to see her. I want to go to a hotel with her and mommy and Margaret!!!" :yukyukyuk: He just cracks me up!!! But he does love you...that much is clear.
     
    How are you...almost done with your first week, eh? How is it feeling? How are you? How can I continue to love and support you? I know...give you space...and I am...but heck, this is my dialogue so I'll ask what I want to ask!!! :hahaha:
     
    I'm bringing a picture of us in Philly to Sam's day care...You know...the one with us all with the "quackers" in our mouths!!! :yukyukyuk: They want a picture of his family so I liked that one and thought it appropriate.
     
    I have to do some lecture work right now and then my nightly meditation so I'm going to sign off. Sleep peacefully my dear...I am holding you in my arms! I love you!
     
    XOXO Robyn
  16. Robyn
    The ebbs and flows of life are amazing...we ride highs and we hit lows. The human mind, body, soul, psyche is incredibly resilient, even in the darkest moments. Today felt a lot better. I lost it last night...felt INCREDIBLY overwhelmed by EVERYTHING...not just the Jane stuff, but with all the changes in my life ON TOP OF dealing with the love of my life who is in pain and is trying to heal from a devastating experience.
     
    There is a Metta mantra "May you be happy, may you be healthy, may you find peace as you ride the waves of your life" that is repeated in yoga and meditation...a prayer for those of you who are not familiar with eastern philosophies/faiths. I was reminded of that this morning...talk about riding waves...UGH...I feel like a champion surfer and have felt so the last 5 years. It began with 9:10am 9/11/01 and continues to this very moment. Stunning... I actually know I have been riding waves LONG before 9/11 but that is the most VIVID moment for me...the best/worst day of my life that truly changed me, I think for the better...OK...I KNOW for the better. Let's be honest here, eh!
     
    When I went to my first real retreat in January at the Kripalu Center in Massachusetts that was where I really understood what it meant to have a life that comes in waves. I remember one of my first therapists talking about that, but I didn't really get it and he couldn't put it in the spiritual frame that helped me to really internalize it this go around. I understand now that despite all the awful things that had happened to me in the last few years, I knew this was a part of life and I had to learn to deal with it...to be comfortable when I had no control...to try to be in a place of peace, even when I felt like the world was chaotic.
     
    I wrote this poem when, in the early NASCENT stage of my relationship with Jane, she felt the need to put up barriers and cut off communication from me because she couldn't cope...ultimately she realized quickly that wasn't healthy but I understood and accepted it was what she needed to do to allow herself space to welcome me into her life in a healthy way. I feel confident she will return to that healthy place again...I know this in my heart and soul and in the fiber of my very being...and I don't believe it is foolish optimism...it is just what I know...hard to explain. Anyway...the poem is listed in the Inspirational Thoughts and is called "ROLLER COASTER"! http://www.strokeboard.net/index.php?showtopic=6028
     
    It seems I even understood then, in those dark days before Jane emerged from her cocoon, that life was a series of ups and downs...soaring and then grounding...I remember the strength and support I felt at that time. The sense of self that was very strong. I lost that for awhile in those intervening years as I got beat down by RPI and all the crap that happened there...the lack of understanding...the shortsightedness. Now I have a chance to recapture that...WHICH, by the way, I had been working on since January and that retreat, but obviously I need much more work... This is, as I said before, my learning...being patient, being present, learning how to wait and not make it all about me...
     
    I hope the universe is sending this beautiful energy and peace to Jane...how can it not???!!!
  18. Robyn

    A brief musing...

    By Robyn,

    I don't want anyone to think because of the title of my blog, that I blame Jane in any way for the state we are in. I don't...I blame the stroke...and I'm angry at the stroke...FURIOUS that this hurt her, and me, and us...
     
    I've gone through a ton of stuff over the last 5 years...almost dying 9/11, having a son, moving several times, divorce, coming out, new relationship, losing my job due to ignorant shortsightedness on the part of my employer (since gotten an apology but it didn't change things)... Some people wonder why I'm still standing...HOW I'm still standing...
     
    Strength...faith...I don't know...good therapy...good sense of self. People may wonder why I feel this grief so deeply... Well...considering what I've gone through the last five years I thought I had my fill...I thought things were on the upswing, and now that has changed...AGAIN...and it just sucks. And its OK if that sucks for me right now because it does. The question is, what do I do with those emotions...do I blame and get angry and become immobilized or do I learn to live with the situation for now and just move on? I'm strong...always have been, always will be...and I'm a good person and a devoted partner. I know the sun will come up tomorrow and in a year from now I will either have moved on or will be with her working on things...but for now, there is no way I can plan it or even think about it...I'm just here...NOW...
  19. Robyn
    So I slept awful...like THAT's a big surprise. My head full of her. I continued to try to breathe deep, slow breathes to relax and keep focused and that helped. I think I finally fell into a deeper sleep close to the morning. The kids slept in which was nice.
     
    Tomorrow I start working with a life coach. Aruni is a lesbian, has a strong spiritual base, and I've been to several seminars with her at my retreat house. I trust her right now because of our spiritual commonalities and because I know she understands the connection I have with Jane... Here is my struggle...some people have said to me...just move on, if its meant to be, its meant to be...others have said, just give her the space, she may come around with time and healing. So how long do I wait...how long do I allow myself to sit in limbo "waiting for a crumb" as some have said? It WOULD be easier for me to just let go, tell her the door is always open for her but allow myself to move forward and onward with my life. But should I do the easy thing...shut the door that I promised would be open for the short term? Or should I wait and see and hope...when does the waiting become hopeLESS and dysfunctional and unhealthy? Her first request is only a month to wait...so I'll just take it a month this time and then see how I feel. And if it looks promising...maybe wait ANOTHER month.
     
    I know she is changed but I'm trying to figure out how much of my instincts and gut feel are just hopeless optimism or real insight into her current state. Her connection struggles are sadly not new ground. EVERY relationship has its issues...I brought baggage to the table as did she...and her baggage was her inability to make herself vulnerable to me. But we did conquer this...with a well mind...in our relationship which is why we both felt that we were STRONG before this happened. Which is why she said she was considering changing jobs and moving closer to me BEFORE the stroke happened...she had finally learned to let go and to trust because she knew we were strong and good for each other. I was learning to trust her love and space too...trusting when she would go inside herself to heal herself that she would ALWAYS return to me...ALWAYS. And I had learned to trust that. Should I let go of that trust now...? I don't think so as it feels soooooooo premature. When I was with her, the connection felt like it was there...it truly did. I truly believe that the discomfort she is feeling is simply the regression back to what was past habit and comforting...to just be independent and only depend on herself. I'm hoping as her thoughts clear over the next couple of months, these memories and thoughts will come back to her. I trust her therapist will not let her stay in a dysfunctional "only depend on herself" state. I know she was working with her to accept the help from her family...to let go of past issues to get herself better so she could return to Colorado where she wants to be ultimately. If she can bring Jane back to HERSELF, I think Jane will come find me. That's assuming there really isn't severe damage to her emotional state.
     
    When we were together, I asked her if she was ready to accept help from those around her as I knew this was a big struggle for her. She has accepted help from her ex-therapist/mentor, her business associate who is managing her day to day affairs, and her family which was a HUGE struggle for her. But accepting help from them frankly is easy/ier because they don't threaten her emotional vulnerability in a loving committed relationship...they represent family ties and friendships, albeit friendships with a lot of love. They only go so far into the intimate reserve we hold sacred in ourselves. It is different to accept and welcome being vulnerable to someone with whom you are developing/DID develop an intimate relationship. Our level of intimacy is BEYOND anything she has with those people and that, I'm sure, in and of itself is hard for her to get right now so turning to them first IS easier and makes sense she'd surround herself with folks who can help her and keep things easy for her. Which is as it should be I guess, although that's a hard one...but I want to understand that and really own that feeling.
     
    I miss my therapist...she understood my history and my history with Jane and all I have gone through over the last 5 years, and even in my lifetime. I am sad about having to start anew but hopefully a new fresh perspective will help.
     
    That's all for now I guess...life goes on...and I have way too much to do.
  20. Robyn
    So...here I go...blogging in a moment I never thought would ever come. A month ago Jane had a stroke...I was 1000+ miles away...I couldn't be there...I couldn't save her from the devastating effects. I flew out there as soon as I could...I spent tons of money I didn't have and spent every moment I could with her...I love this woman, more than breathing. She has said to me, and we had pledged to each other, that we were each other's safety, family, soulmate... We had gone through a lot with our long distance relationship but we always talked, and we always came through for each other. An underlying subtext for her, always, was her difficulty making herself vulnerable to me. Her difficulties accepting help and love from me. Trying to undo 47 years of programming because she felt like her parents were never there for her. When she was healthy, this was something she worked on and we had made progress...she said she had let me in closer than she had ever let ANYONE in but that it was something she had to work on...something that she was learning to trust.
     
    So now she had the stroke...and she has regressed back to that place of not being able to accept her vulnerability towards me...unable to let herself be close to me because it scares her. She called me today...told me she didn't want me to contact her, or her family, at all...I'm cut off cold from this person who a mere 5 days before the stroke told me I had taught her so much about intimacy...that I was the most important person in her life. She said she wanted to take it month by month and that she'd contact me in another month and let me know how she is doing. When she told me she wanted to cut off contact, she said she couldn't put her feelings into words...I can ONLY imagine how that must feel to her. She kept repeating that...I just can't find the words right now. But I know what those words and feelings are...I know her all too well. When I asked her if she was lying when she said "I am reconsidering my independence...I want to be closer to you" she said, "No not lying, but I don't feel like I'm being honest about the underlying discomfort I am feeling. I just can't explain it." Well...I'll put words to it because that underlying discomfort is the old demon coming back to roost...her difficulty making herself vulnerable and letting me in close. It is what has destroyed past relationships and has also inhibited her from engaging in ANY relationships for the longest period of time. When she was well, we had worked past that...now that she is not well, she can't deal with that. What was hurtful to me was when she said it felt like I wasn't supporting HER but supporting MYSELF...WTF is that all about? Why would I drop EVERYTHING, risk my job, handoff my kids, work like a dog on her farm to fix it up while I'm out there, scramble through her affairs and her accounts so people could gain access to her money and handle her day to day affairs...I was the only person who knew her account numbers and codes...the only person who knew how her financials were set up...all of this to support MYSELF????? When someone says "Robyn, you are my safety...you are my family" I trust that means I'm supposed to drop everything, continue to show my support through my love, give her EVERYTHING I have to give? What did I do wrong...what did I miss?
     
    And then it occurred to me...I really DIDN'T do anything wrong...I did what any normal loving relationship does...I dropped everything to be by her side, to profess my love and dedication and loyalty to her. To tell her I accept WHATEVER the stroke gave our relationship. But she can't accept that because that is her burden...her baggage...her area of learning in this moment. That someone can love her and accept her and want to give the world to her. These are HER demons, not mine...
     
    So I wait...for another month to chat with her and see how she is. In the mean time, I am going to write her a loving letter explaining what I am observing. Even if this doesn't save OUR relationship, perhaps it will help her so that she doesn't spend her life alone unable to make herself vulnerable to someone...even if it doesn't help US, it might help HER. Isn't that love...and devotion...and selflessness...?
     
    I am a good girlfriend, right...not a selfish ogre...?
  21. Robyn

    Hey Babe!!!

    By Robyn,

    Oy...busy day today...back to Monday teaching and running out the door at 8am. I'm wiped and both kids are still resisting sleep. This after a long day at school where I taught also this evening until 9pm.
     
    How was your day today? I was thinking of you, of course, as always...! I'm always wondering during the day, what is she doing now? What is she thinking? What is she working on? I get my work done believe it or not, but there's this constant hum of you in my mind... I was especially mindful of you today because it was September 11th and you know that is sort of a sacred day to me. We typically spend this time together as you remember, and we had anticipated you spending it with me again before the stroke happened too. The day really wasn't as hard for me as I had thought...as it had been in the past. Other things have taken priority...basically YOU and YOUR situation. I'm so worried about you... It is unbelievably difficult to not be able to talk to your family and know what is going on... The issues of 9/11 are not that meaningful to me in comparison. All I want...all my focus is on you to get better! I just want you to get better... I have so much love to give you...I hope you can see and understand that...
     
    I finished reading yours and Lil's paper and I sent her an email talking about coordinating the rewrite and reanalysis. Hopefully we'll get to that soon. I also reread our other paper and am thinking about how to rewrite that and edit it down. So yes, I'm keeping busy...
     
    I need to sleep and I still have to check-in with Aruni...so I'm going to say goodnight to you. I love you...I miss you...sweet dreams my darling...I am holding you in my arms!!! I am holding you in my dreams...!!!
     
    XOXOXOXOXO
  22. Robyn

    Day 24...I'm tired...

    By Robyn,

    I'm not feeling overly "bloggy" today. Mostly tired...mostly drained...doing OK.
     
    Therapy was challenging today...I really confronted the source of my insecurities. No need to get into it here but I'm feeling a little spent from addressing them.
     
    I was also brought back to my initial observations in my first two blogs about what is going on for Jane right now...her relationship demons intersecting with my demons, exacerbated by the stroke. The stroke has made her unable to address her demons right now...and her pulling away evokes my own insecurities. That is what I was brought to... The hope is time will allow her to develop the emotional strength to fight back her insecurities about intimacy...to be willing to fight back and relearn to trust our relationship again. Everyone says TIME HEALS...especially with strokes. She was emotionally strong before this so that is an advantage. Another advantage is that when we were together, the connections seemed to be there...all the groundwork to make this work. My therapist said to be sure NOT to push...not to cling and not to pressure her...just talk to her when she calls. That, of course, was my plan but I am understanding more and more why that is important and imperative.
     
    So I'm trying to breathe and remind myself to be careful as we talk...when we talk...when she calls... Hopefully that will be soon...
  23. Robyn

    Hey Babe!!!

    By Robyn,

    Good evening love...how are you today? Honestly I'm pretty wiped. I have a ton of work to do still and then I need to sleep. I didn't sleep well last night between the kids going to bed late and then getting up in the middle of the night to come visit me.
     
    I just wanted to check in...tell you I love you and that I miss you. I'm not going anywhere... Please please get better!!! I look forward to talking to you soon! I am holding you in my arms and in my heart and in my dreams!!!
     
    I love you I love you I love you!!!
     
    XOXOXOXOXOXO
  24. Robyn
    He self-destructed in the day care today. He wasn't even there 45 minutes. I pulled him out of that day care and put him another that is smaller and less "open-environment". I'm beginning to think a large part of it may be them, too. They just don't seem to know how to handle him and there is not a lot of structure there. He needs much more structure.
     
    SOOOO...day care situation, take two...we'll see how tomorrow goes.
  25. Robyn

    Another marathon day...

    By Robyn,

    Having kids keeps you hopping but it is really nice now to have a girlfriend/partner who will actively take the kids and do things with them and take the single-parent burden off my back. Especially since their dad has become more useless in that arena. I had a few SERIOUS issues last week and contacted him about them and heard NOTHING in return...NOTHING. I was *beep* yet at the same time, if he tries to argue he should have the kids for full time custody, EVER, I have fuel... And Shauna won't let me forget...
     
    In comparison to Jane, Shauna is very engaged with the kids and isn't afraid to be engaged. Jane didn't want to be alone with them. Couldn't handle even that aspect of "step" parenting. Even her sisters and brother used to comment on that. She was an inherently selfish person in so many ways and the issues with the kids were one great example. So many times she said to me "This is the reason why I never wanted kids" when the kids acted out or had issues. She'd say "I didn't want to give up my career." Strangely, you'd think I would've left her over that...and I certainly considered it and brought that up with her...I had said to her "WHY are you in a relationship with someone with kids then??" And she gave some sort of nice nice response that seemed to quell my doubts temporarily...but she seemed sincere...seemed I guess is the operative word, eh?!! You have to understand this is among the many reasons why I believe her post-stroke behavior is really more reflective of her real feelings than a function of the stroke. Yes, I believe the stroke contributed, and I can't imagine what she was feeling in those days post-stroke, but I know her enough to know the post stroke behaviors were the "real Jane" coming out. This is why I felt lied to for so long before the stroke. Anyway...enough of that...that wasn't the point of my blogging today!
     
    It is just a poignant observation on my part because today was one of those marathon days...up at 7:30am...Sam to gymnastics at 9:15...Margaret to violin by 10:15...Then Sam to soccer at 11:00 and Margaret to soccer at 11:30am... Shauna did work at home then met us at the soccer field where she coached Margaret's soccer team to a victory! :cheer: :Clap-Hands: Then she went off to Lowe's with Margaret for a project they are working on. She's just ready, willing, and able to step in and be a part of their lives. Sam called her "his other mommy" the other day and she nearly melted at the thought of it...
    How lucky for me and the kids that she loves to be a part of their lives like that.
     
    And so goes parenthood!! I'm looking forward to a slightly more peaceful spring break where the kids are with their dad for the week...no violin, no swimming, no gymnastics or soccer... Just some mommy time to nurture herself!