Robyn

Stroke Caregiver - female
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Blog Entries posted by Robyn

  1. Robyn

    Hey Babe!!!

    By Robyn,

    How are you sweetie...almost another week done! YAHOO!!! It must feel so good...almost 2 weeks done...how many more to go? The talk was two months at Spaulding!! Christmas back in Colorado...I'll keep my fingers and toes crossed for ya!
     
    I finally got some research done today...it felt good. Juggling a bunch of projects so it was great to stretch my wings a bit. Should have one paper going out under review by end of September and start collecting data on another project also by the end of September. :Clap-Hands: Gotta get that tenure!!!
     
    Sam and Margaret had their check ups this morning...they're HUGE! And healthy which is good!!! Sam didn't want to go to school and I was worried that he would act up at school but he was good again today. The rewards system seems to be working which is great. TWo days with no hitting. He didn't want to go to bed tonight, though...10pm and still wandering around...UGH... Last night he slept with me...Margaret wanted to also but I had to walk her back upstairs. I need more sleep...they're killing me!!!!
     
    I'm off to meditate, then to bed. Tomorrow I see my therapist...
     
    I'm thinking of you and I love you so much. Keep healthy my dear, get better soon and I am holding you in my arms!!!
     
    XOXOXOXO Robyn
  2. Robyn

    Hey Babe!!!

    By Robyn,

    The beginning of another week... So what are you thinking about right now? What is the plan for THIS week? Tomorrow is 9-11...I'm wondering if you will remember how hard that day is for me. You always talk about it with people...tell them of my experience...I wonder if you'll think of me tomorrow...
     
    I had a nice day today. Met a very nice and very interesting woman. She and her son met us at the zoo...the kids got along GREAT! He is a charming kid and Nathalie seems like she will be a very nice friend. It's just good to be able to hang out with another person from the lesbian community. Since leaving NY I have felt very disconnected, you know?
     
    I have to get back to work, my dear...getting ready for class tomorrow but I wanted to tell you how much I love you and want to continue to support you as you need and want to be supported. As I've said before, all you have to do is ask and it is yours. I love you more than anything and all I want is for you to get better. I hope this time has been good for you...I keep hoping when we talk again that there will be more peace and clarity for you. Even if its just incremental, I hope the progress is positive. I would love very much to come see you, even if just for a few hours at the end of the month...I think it would be good for us to just sit and talk. I hope you feel better such that a visit from me would feel OK.
     
    I love you...I miss you...I'm waiting for you...I'm not going anywhere!!! I am holding you in my arms!!! Sweet dreams...
     
    XOXOXOXOX
  3. Robyn

    Hey Babe!!!

    By Robyn,

    How are you? How was your weekend so far? Did you do anything fun?
     
    Kind of a mellow day today. After violin we went bowling at the student union at school...much cheaper than back east. The kids were well behaved and Margaret even beat me, although we did use the bumpers! Sam did OK as well.
     
    I got some work done today for lecture on Monday. I have more to do tomorrow but I'm in good shape for Monday.
     
    Shelly called today...she brought someone over to see my house...the woman may be interested in buying it. I would be incredibly grateful if it sold...I'm getting desperate financially speaking. Taking money out of my retirement which is not a good idea.
     
    I'm really missing you, sweetie. My whole being is filled with you...thinking of you...worrying about you... Wondering how things are going for you. I just really really miss you... It is so hard to be apart from you... I know this is what you need but I guess I just really feel the distance between us today.
     
    Anyway, I have to go to sleep...I'm tired and we're going to the zoo tomorrow...gotta be there by 10:30am
     
    I love you, I miss you, I am waiting for you...I am here with open arms!!! Sweet dreams sweetie and I am holding you!!!
     
    XOXOXOXOXO
  4. Robyn

    Hey Babe!!!

    By Robyn,

    Yet another week done...congrats!! How does it feel...are you making progress?
     
    I know the talk was that you'd get your neuro and neuro psych evals while at Spaulding...has that happened yet? Where do they say the deficits are and has that changed your care at all?
     
    Sam had a better day at school today. I think allowing him some time to cry and talk last night helped him.
     
    I am excited...I got invited to moderate a session at a conference in Florida in February dealing with MBA curriculum reform. They will pay my expenses! They are going to have someone from Yale and someone from RPI talking about what they've done with their programs. They wanted me to talk because of my OBTC presentations but since I don't work at RPI anymore I couldn't exactly represent RPI's interests any longer. But they still wanted me as the moderator which is really cool! I recommended they contact Victor Vroom as the rep from Yale...your buddy Victor!! I should have it all firmed up in about 2 weeks.
     
    Research is beginning to move along. I am going to work on our paper, edit it down, and send it off to the Western Academy Meeting. Kevin and Kristine were agreeable and supportive so I decided to make the effort. I'm also finally going to collect the data on the email harassment project. Plus I am going to finish a bit more data collection for the technophobia project with Lois and we should be able to wrap that up by the end of the year. Between these projects, plus a few others on the burners, I think if they land I've got a good chance at tenure here which is great! It will be nice to not worry.
     
    I like SIUE so far. I was involved in a meeting today regarding an award Enterprise Rent A Car wants to implement on campus. They wanted some of us involved with student groups (I'm the SHRM advisor) to help them come up with the award criteria. I think I was a big hit...the Dean liked my ideas and it looks like they'll be the framework for the award. It's nice to be appreciated!!
     
    I have stuff to do to get ready for class on Monday so once the kids are done watching videos...YUP...they're watching Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer in September...:hahaha: ...I'll get to work downstairs scanning stuff and putting them in my powerpoint for my Monday evening lecture.
     
    The closing credits for the video are on the screen so I'm going to sign off to get them to bed at a reasonable hour. Violin lessons tomorrow in the morning plus I have to go to the postoffice tomorrow before that...sigh...
     
    I love you so very much...I hope you can feel that...I hope this fog lifts soon so you can remember the love and connection we share. I'm patient...I'm not going anywhere. I can't wait to hear from you and hear how you are doing. I love you more than I ever imagined possible! Have sweet dreams my dear, I am holding you in my arms, as I do EVERY NIGHT!!! You are in my heart and my soul!!
     
    XOXOXOXO
  5. Robyn

    Day 19...In the Process...

    By Robyn,

    That's what both my therapist and my coach told me...I am "In the Process"...I am doing ALL I can do right now to cope. It doesn't really get any better than this based on the circumstances. When things are good, I can rest in those moments...when I start to cycle downward, I am better able to recognize this and not let things overwhelm me. I just refocus and recommit to a better attitude...pull myself up by the bootstraps so to speak. I was wondering if there was something else I should be doing, but Aruni said NO...this is it...adapting as things feel bad...reveling when things feel good. Not a small victory by any stretch!!! I'm really damn proud of myself...not to brag...but heck, it sucks right now and I'm just trying to get through every day with confidence and presence. This is the first time in my life I've really internalized what this journey of life is really about. Granted this is something I've been working on for years, but since January with a real concerted effort, and I think I FINALLY REALLY get it! I've gotten through moments and journeys before but this is different...really different. I think the support I have right now is exactly what I need for this time in my life. A spiritual/life coach and a therapist poised to help me through the next phase of my self-exploration and healing.
     
    I'm thrilled my weight has FINALLY stabilized. When I left Colorado on July 16th I was about 185 pounds. With all this craziness, I have lost over 20 pounds...22 to be exact...in a very short period of time. WHEW... Now I'm 5' 9" 163 pounds which is just about where I want to be. And with more mindful eating habits I have maintained this weight for about a week which is good. Now I want to exercise more to tone up things. This morning I really battled back the nausea and malaise that hits me each morning. That felt like a victory too! I had a banana and a bagel and tea for breakfast and a hotdog and soda for lunch. OK...not an extraordinarily healthy lunch but I've always loved hot dogs so what the heck. :dribble: Dinner will either be pasta or pizza...since we had pizza on Tuesday maybe pasta would be better. Maybe I can find some pesto somewhere as the kids love it and I miss eating it.
     
    The last 3 years have been amazing. The love I have felt...the connection we have shared has been such a gift! Finally finding your soulmate is beyond description...especially since I had given up hope and belief that such a thing could even happen. She has told me the same...we believe we were both waiting for each other...for the moment when we could be together. This is our time now but right now we are apart. That's OK because the love is strong...the love will sustain us. I do believe that...it feels real and true to me...not just a delusion or a fantasy. She will call in time and things will continue to grow...slowly, but they will grow and reconnect and be richer and healthier and more meaningful.
     
    Asha said sometimes there are things to learn in these moments of crisis. YUP...and it isn't just dealing with my own discomfort with this uncertainty, but its also very much about finding me and my strength again...bringing me back to an overall place of health, emotionally speaking, and SUSTAINING this as time goes on in my life, not just when crises become so overwhelming it nearly destroys me. I have to build something good and meaningful here and now for me. I am on the right path...I am "In The Process".
     
    Life and living isn't a destination, but a process...
  6. Robyn
    Pema Chodron says to walk INTO the fear, not away from it. Fear is what you experience as you get closer to the truth...a truth sometimes we don't want to know...so we avoid...we run. She said the best way to conquer fears is to simply go towards them...
     
    Honestly, I have always done that...I am mortally afraid of heights, especially bridges, yet I continue to drive over them. I won't let a fear disable me...stop me from living my life. Jane had always observed that in me. She herself is very fearful and always admired that I could just go towards something seemingly without fear. Sometimes I have the fear...but most of the time I refused to acknowledge it and just move forward like a bull in a china shop !
     
    I think this is the first time in my life I feel REAL, HONEST fear...I fear the worst about us. But I am working through it...pushing myself forward when the fears are unreasonable and not PRESENT. I fear the unknown...I fear I may lose the most important person in my life after my kids. But I'm still standing here...still working...still hoping...still have faith...still getting my work done...still taking care of myself. I'm still here...sitting in the fear...SURROUNDED by the fear and yet I refuse to let it own me. I'm just letting it sit there... I'm watching it cautiously... It tries to sneak up on me like a feral cat hoping to catch its prey at night. But I am watching the fears...the fears are not me...I am the Witness, seeing how the fears can be disabling. I am still moving on with my life even though I'd rather sleep for the next two weeks.
     
    Jean said to put my fears on hold...by Witnessing them but not acting on them I realize I am doing just that. Yay for me!!! My mind is continually bombarded with visions of our life over the last 3 years...its all good...it counterbalances the fears. That is what gives me hope... Another couple of weeks before I hear from her again...perhaps 2 weeks...perhaps more...perhaps less...but approximately another couple of weeks. I'm here...I'm waiting...I'm not going anywhere...
  7. Robyn

    Hey Babe!!!

    By Robyn,

    Do you have ANY idea how much I love you???? TONS AND TONS!!! You know that, don't you!!!!
     
    The beginning of yet another week...a short one this week thank goodness. How are you...what are you focusing on this week???
     
    I've been hanging on one major thought the last couple of days...I have COMPLETE and UTTER confidence in our love and our connection. One does not fall out of love overnight, even with a stroke.
     
    That's it...nothing else left to say except I'm here...I love you...I'm not going ANYWHERE...I'm waiting for you...
     
    I hope you have the sweetest of dreams tonight! I am holding you in my arms, as always!
     
    XOXOXOXOXOXO
  8. Robyn

    Hey Babe!!

    By Robyn,

    Checking in early my dear...I suspect is was quite the exhausting weekend. No doubt Rachel came into town...perhaps Jeremy and maybe Jeff and Frankie. It's a long weekend and you know how family can be overwhelming, especially with your family. I hope you are resting comfortably and that it was a relaxing weekend if nothing else. Maybe you got to the beach!
     
    I was reading through some old letters you sent me. So much of what you said to me back then holds now...how strong we both are...how we both have to do our work to be whole for each other. How much we have taught and touched each other. And that was just at the beginning of the relationship! :wub2: We both realized all or nothing didn't work. I suspect you will come to that conclusion soon enough now, as well. But I do know that you need the time to yourself without any pressure from me.
     
    I was also reflecting on the very intense nature of our relationship...that intensity I know is more than you can focus on right now and I know the ABSENCE of that rings very hard for me. We went from ALL to NOTHING almost overnight. Both of our reactions are to be expected. I can't help but think of how strong and beautiful things were before this...how strong our connection is and how I'm confident that that connection will sustain us. You asked me to trust you a long time ago that when you had to take care of yourself you'd return to me...I'm trusting in that. I want you to just take care of yourself...do what you have to, then return to me with an open heart and mind!! I'm waiting here for you, with open arms...I love you more than anything...I've never thought I could love someone this much!!! You have said the same to me...I know all of that will come back to you when it is time...but I'm here waiting...and loving you!
     
    Have sweet dreams my dear...I love you very much and I look forward to hearing from you soon! All of my LOVE, sweetie. I am holding you in my arms!!!
     
    XOXOXOXOXO
     
     
  9. Robyn
    You know...the crocodile hunter! He died in a freak accident...stingray stinger directly to the heart. He always lived life to the fullest every day. He personified "joie de vivre". I think he's a great example of someone that just lived life as it faced him every day. I think to catch crocodiles you have to be very present and very aware and VERY in the moment. You have to love the life you have in front of you at that moment.
     
    So how does this relate to me? Things change so suddenly...it goes back to the waves of life I was referring to awhile ago...learning to just float as the waves toss you up and down. When you resist you get stuck in the tar like the age-old story of Bre'r Rabbit. You have to go with the moment. I can imagine his wife and two children now...they are going to have to float...roll with the waves, build a new life honoring his memory. Steve seemed like the quintessential "go with the flow" kind of of guy. Perhaps hearing about him gives me an example of how to live my life. Perhaps hearing about his death reminds me that things aren't so bad after all for me. Jane is still alive and we will talk in time. I am alive...I am surviving...it's all good...
     
     
  10. Robyn

    Hey Babe!!

    By Robyn,

    How has your weekend been? Fairly low key here. Today we tried to go swimming but there were too many "misbehaviors" so we left in about 10 minutes. We'll try again tomorrow.
     
    We went to a BBQ at a colleague of David's...lives right around the corner from me. Great guy! Well published...seems like he'd be a good friend as well as a colleague so that was cool. We're going to talk research some time in the near future!
     
    I hope you are relaxing well...maybe eating some lobster! Overall I hope you are just getting better!!!!! It feels like the stroke was so long ago yet it was only 6 weeks. You improved SOOOO rapidly in those first couple of weeks so it is hard to fully understand the extent of your deficits. And I'm sure you've improved rapidly in the last 3 weeks since I last saw you so I can only imagine what you're up to right now!!! I know the emotional takes longer to heal but I know you will work hard on that with Sandy...and with whatever support you can get through Spaulding so that's a good thing. I really am looking forward to talking with you in a few weeks to know what is going on with you right now!
     
    Anyway...I'm tired...watching a movie with the kids, then I'll do some reading and meditating and hit the bed! I am thinking of you and dreaming of you and holding you in my arms every night...I love you! Have sweet dreams my dear!
     
    XOXOXOXOX
  11. Robyn

    Hey Babe!!!

    By Robyn,

    Running off to bed. I hope you had a great day today. Did anyone come visit? Did you get rain on the Cape because of Ernesto?
     
    We went to a children's museum you would've loved. The kids had a great time. Maybe I'll get to take you there with them some time soon.
     
    I paid bills today...ICK...necessary evil I guess. Tomorrow David asked me to a BBQ with a colleague of his from SLU. It's great having David around...it helps!
     
    Going to read then pass out...trying to get as much sleep as possible before the semester gets crazy with grading and stuff.
     
    I love you very much...I think of you all the time, every day! Have sweet dreams my dear...I am holding you in my arms!!!
     
    XOXOXOXO
  12. Robyn
    The title says it all...two down, two to go...I've made it through two weeks!!! :Clap-Hands: They were tough...lots of self exploration but I've made it. I've got more clarity regarding what she is going through and I've got more clarity about my own demons. Rereading the list I created yesterday does help...grounds me in those tough moments. It feels good to be in touch with what I KNOW...not the imaginary...it keeps me stable.
     
    Will there ever come a time when I don't have her in my mind 24/7?? I suspect if I were a caregiver it would be that way. But pre-stroke, I didn't have her on my mind 24/7...I got my work done secure in the knowledge she'd be there at the end of the day and would always be there at the other end of the phone. I think because of all the uncertainty she preoccupies my mind...I'm always wondering...always worried...always curious...what is she feeling...what is she doing...is she OK??!!! But thankfully I am at peace enough internally that I AM able to get my work done, but my mind wanders a lot. I think it'll just be that way until I talk to her again and get a better sense of things. As long as I am getting my work done then that's all that matters right now.
     
    Here's an example of how she is in my head/heart all the time. I took the kids to a museum today...it was fun but I kept thinking that Jane would've enjoyed doing that with the kids. She really has embraced being a step mom to the kids and has taken so much pride in the adjustment she's made to having kids in her life. She would've crawled all over the place with them and played with them. That's what made me fall in love with her in the first place...she embraced my kids with open arms...!!!
     
    Anyway...overall its good...I just want her to get well...6 weeks post stroke...we have a LONG way to go!
  13. Robyn

    Hey Babe!!!

    By Robyn,

    Sorry I didn't chat with you last night. I was just tired...needed to sleep and have some time to myself. I read for awhile which was nice and just went to bed early.
     
    I'm going to admit this has been hard for me. I know, I know...not as hard as what you're going through...I DO understand that. But it has been hard for me, too. Do you remember the one night when I didn't call you back because I figured you were asleep and I didn't want to awake you? Remember how you called me first thing in the morning and chastised me for not calling...remember how you felt all night sort of waiting for me to call...that's how its felt for weeks for me. Is it DOABLE and LIVEABLE...YES. Do I do it willingly and lovingly for you...YES. But its still hard. I guess I wanted you to know that. It may not be something you understand or can hear right now but one day I hope you do...whether we are together or not.
     
    We have been SOOO close for 3 years. The changes have been overwhelming to both of us...in different ways, yes, but overwhelming nonetheless. We are both struggling in our own ways. I am learning to be more comfortable with the uncertainty...learning to just live with it and not resist it. We both know that's my achilles heel, right? I'm learning a lot about my own strengths and my ability to just continue onward despite all of my own upheaval and all the changes I have in my life beyond what has happened to you.
     
    I had a good therapy session yesterday...still have lots of work to do but it was good...very good!
     
    So how was YOUR week...? Two weeks done now...WHEW. 6 weeks post-stroke...how are you feeling? I'm hoping you are starting to feel a bit more clarity. I can't wait to hear what you've been working on...I'm very excited to know what's going on!!
     
    Anyway...I'm going to run because I have bills to pay and it is the beginning of Labor Day weekend so I want to spend time with the kids. I'll chat with you tonight!!
     
    I love you...Have a great day and I'm thinking of you!!
     
    XOXOXO Robyn
  14. Robyn

    Hey Babe!!

    By Robyn,

    Do you have ANY idea how much I love you??? Yeah...I know you do...I love that that is our signature saying to each other...the call I made and the statement I made that opened up the door to the most beautiful 3 years of my life. I miss you...
     
    SOOOOO...you are halfway through your first week at Spaulding...how's it going? What do they have you doing? How are you feeling? How does this experience make you feel???? How is living with your family? Have you been able to make peace with that? Has your mother been a help or been just a royal PITA? I know this isn't the best situation but I hope you are getting the privacy and space you need for yourself. I can't imagine living in your sister's sun room does wonders for your privacy, but she insisted and we couldn't argue so there you are... It was the last place Sandy and I wanted you but there didn't seem to be any other place for you to go. People were reluctant to have you come with me because of my new job, and the kids and stuff, but you KNOW my home was and is ALWAYS open to you...you are my family...I love you!!!
     
    Anyway, I look forward to hearing the answers from you on how these early days are at Spaulding. It is supposed to be the best so it better deliver...!! :hahaha:
     
    I had a good day today...kids were good...started Suzuki lessons which THRILLED Margaret. Teaching went well although I keep forgetting these are 1 hour 15 minute lectures not 2 hours like at RPI so I have to shorten my lectures! :hahaha: Otherwise I will run hopelessly behind all semester!
     
    Both kids said prayers for you tonight. Sam said he REALLY loved you and missed you. And he wanted you to hurry up and get well soon. Margaret said a silent prayer...wouldn't share but I know she misses you too and is worried about you.
     
    You are on my mind all day so I hope you feel the healing energy and love pour from me! I am doing well overall, aside from missing you!!! I've moved, I think, into a better place of presence and mindfulness...doing a lot of self-examination, but remaining full of optimism you are getting well and will return to Colorado soon!!! I know your emotional/spiritual recovery will grow exponentially once you are there...that can't come soon enough!!!!
     
    I'm tired...need to sleep so I'm going to close my eyes after reading a bit, OK?? I love you very much...I hold you in my heart and in my dreams!
     
    XOXO Robyn
  16. Robyn

    Hey Babe!!!

    By Robyn,

    Hump day, sweetie!!! Wednesday done...two more days to go...so how has your week been? I hope you are just taking it one day at a time. Remember at the rehab hospital we had to remind you to actually slow down a bit!! :hahaha: But actually I'm sure you are working hard and at the pace you need. I'm so proud of you and your fighter attitude!!
     
    I got a violin tonight!!! :Clap-Hands: With Suzuki Violin, they expect the parents to learn along with the kids so I got a full-sized violin to practice with both the kids...it should be very fun as I LOVE music!!! Margaret had a pretty good lesson tonight...Sam begins his private lessons next week. When Margaret took violin years ago, the teacher thought I'd do well taking violin lessons but who had the time. Not that I have the time NOW but at least I can play on a violin larger than 1/16th!! it should be fun! I should master 'twinkle twinkle little star' in no time...I can't wait to play for you!
     
    Sam was SOOO much better today...I rewarded him with a chocolate chip cookie! No surprise there...he loved it. I told him I was very proud of him and wanted him to keep up the good work. His teacher was proud of him too! It felt like a small victory but we'll see how the next couple of weeks go!!
     
    Good day teaching this morning, then I was busy in my office taking care of paperwork and the like. Tomorrow the kids have their school physicals in the morning and then I'll do some research in my office.
     
    It does feel good to keep busy. I'm amazed at how much I'm getting accomplished! This has been a concern of mine as you know...but I do have to begin the research tomorrow. Finish that darn article with Lois and get that to press, then work on my data collection for another study. That's NEXT week's project!
     
    OK...time to meditate and read. It is weird being in the Central time zone...news is on at 10pm so I always feel like I should be going to bed when the news is on!! Maybe living here will get me to bed earlier...certainly it will minimize my tv watching!!!
     
    Talking with you like this is nice, but I DO miss talking to you every day. I know you are healing...I know that's what you need, but I do miss your voice in my ear every night. In time, I know...
     
    Sending you all my love and healing energy!!! Sweet dreams my dear and I'm holding you in my arms!!!
     
    XOXOXO Robyn
  17. Robyn
    Today I have the sensation of riding the waves of my life...vascillating between comfort and discomfort. When moments of concern settle back in, I remind myself of the NOW...and what I know NOW...and repeat my comforting mantras. I am getting more comfortable with the uncertainty...I know this is the learning I have to do right now...to not focus on my insecurities but on Jane's needs. Frankly it has become much easier. I can talk to people about what the situation is and why based on what I've learned about the experiences of stroke survivors and I can tell my attitude has changed in the last week and a half. It really isn't about my needs...its about HER needs and the situation doesn't feel HOPELESS and PERSONAL...it feels realistic and manageable from my end. That doesn't mean the "evil demons" don't come dancing back...because those are part of the waves of my life...but it means I am able to beat them back :bop: more readily when they try to taunt me. And it is easier now because I'm really internalizing what SHE needs now that I understand those needs and her situation a bit more.
     
    There is an ancient Sanskrit word discussed in the Yoga-Sutras called Samskaras...literally it means seeds, but really they are the RUTS we have ingrained in our life...the old way of doing things and the habits and patterns we have built to deal with our pains. We follow the same patterns dealing with our stressors and the like. True insight and learning comes when we face those "Samskaras" and work to fill in those ruts and develop new paths to deal with the stressors in our lives. Essentially that is what I am doing right now. Beating back my insecurities is part of battling my Samskaras...going to therapy and coaching is helping me rebuild new, healthy paths. The discomfort will lessen as I learn new paths and new habits to remain healthy and whole. Friday's work in therapy is trying to figure out the source of those insecurities...should be interesting!!!
     
    I got an email from a dear friend this morning who knows all of the stuff going on in my life...here is what she said...
     
    Pema Chodron is an American Buddhist nun with some words of wisdom that I find
    helpful and think you may also. From her book, "Comfortable with Uncertainty":
     
    ...Perhaps nothing ever really attacks us except our own confusion. Maybe the
    only enemy is that we don't like the way reality is NOW and therefore wish it would go away
    fast. But what we find as practitioners is that nothing ever goes away until it has taught
    us what we need to know. Even if we run a hundred miles an hour to the other side of the
    continent, we find the very same problem awaiting us when we arrive. It keeps returning
    with new names, forms, and manifestations until we learn whatever it has to teach us.
    Where are we separating ourselves from reality? How are we pulling back instead of opening
    up? How are we closing down instead of allowing ourselves to experience fully whatever
    we encounter?
     
    That statement sort of sums up how I am feeling right now...that as hard as this is, yes, it is harder for Jane but this also poses an opportunity for me to fix my Samskaras and make myself whole...or MORE whole at least!!! I've been trying to work on this for four years and now it is here staring me in the face and it needs my attention, wholely and completely!! I am opening up...I am recognizing my pains but not letting them control me...I am opening myself up to more fully understand what Jane is experiencing so I can be ready and waiting for her with a full heart that is understanding and willing to do what it takes to help her heal. I'll probably have a bit more clarity in a few weeks when I talk with her, but until then I am riding the waves and surfing like a pro!!!...I can taste the salt water and I feel alive!!
  18. Robyn

    Day 11...Still moving...

    By Robyn,

    I finally started to decorate my office at work a bit and decided to put pictures of Jane up in the office. I had been reluctant...thought I'd just burst into tears. But I put them up and it really put me in a good place...memories of what we had and can have again once she heals. OK...I know it won't be the same...nothing ever is, right? But we can have those loving looks and times together again when she has had enough time to recover from this horrific experience. She is strong and I know is working hard to recover... I just keep repeating my mantra...SHE WILL GET BETTER...and...FOCUS ON THE GOOD THINGS! Focus on what SHE needs...NOW... It's all good!
     
    I looked in a candy jar that someone had left in my new office...at the bottom was a Werther's Original...one of her favorite candies!!! She is with me...she's here...she's just taking care of herself right now! As it should be...! :wub2:
  19. Robyn

    Hey Babe!!!

    By Robyn,

    Just checking in with you! Long long day today. Up at 6:30...hustling the kids out the door to day care...teaching at 9am. Then I worked from 10-12:00 in my office...then off to run errands. Had to get keys made for the babysitter, then had my coaching call at 1:30...boy oh boy coaching is great!!! I hope it is affordable so I can do this often. Right now the coaching is free but I'm definitely going to continue to do this. The hope is that it is affordable enough I can do this twice a month...I hope!!! Between that and therapy I'm covered. Aruni was great...I speak with her once a week but I can email her regularly...its great to have a touchstone all week. She said speaking with me today that she felt like she really KNEW ME after this week and it was great to talk to me on the phone to round out the first week of working with her. I knew she would be a great person to work with after my IQI in January and that was reinforced in July when I was there the weekend you had your stroke. We have a good connection and I am VERY grateful!
     
    ANyway...after my coaching call with Aruni, I ran a few more errands and then headed back to my office to work there until class at 6pm. By the time I was done at 9 I was wiped out. Now I'm crashed on the couch, vegetating watching the TV! :hahaha:
     
    SOOOOO...how was your day? What did you do? What is your weekly schedule like? I'm so VERY curious about what you are working on and how you are feeling about everything. How are you feeling about the physical, cognitive, and emotional changes you are experiencing? One thing I know you are ambitious and hard working...a real work horse and you will work HARD to get better...I have no doubt about that!!!! I am proud of you the way you tackled your recovery while in the rehab hospital and I know you are doing that and then some at Spaulding! I really can't wait to hear all the details!! But mostly I just want you to get better...as soon as you are able!!
     
    Off to finish some work, meditate for a while, and perhaps read...if I'm not TOO tired!!
     
    I love you so very much, sweetie!!! I am holding you in my heart and soul!!! Sweet dreams!!!
     
    XOXOXO Robyn
  20. Robyn

    Hey Babe!!!

    By Robyn,

    So...another week ahead of you...how are you feeling about that? What are you working on right now? What are your biggest worries and concerns? What is your biggest fear, my love? Is there anything I can do to help you? I know, right now, you are getting what you want from me but you KNOW that you can ask me for ANYTHING...ANYTHING and its yours!!! If there is anything else you need, please don't hesitate to share it with me. You've always been able to ask and tell me anything...please don't stop now when you need help the most!
     
    As for my day...it was nice. The kids both crawled into bed with me about 6am but I kicked them out around 7 to watch cartoons while I slept in until around 9. I just needed it! It started out rainy but eventually it petered off and then we headed to the zoo...we had a great time! I got a zoo membership so I can take the kids back again! It reminded me of the time we went to the Toledo Zoo last Thanksgiving and saw the XMAS lights there! We talked about taking the kids back there some time. Maybe not THIS Thanksgiving/holiday period, but how about next year??? St. Louis has lights and so does Toledo...we'll figure it all out, OK?
     
    I finally found a good "NY" style pizza in St. Louis...YUMMY! It was really good! Not easy to get to but nice to know it is there. David joined us at the zoo and shared his pizza find so it was fun spending time with him. He was great with the kids! He's going to make a great dad. I hope he gets tenure and begins the adoption process soon.
     
    I've got a few things to do then I'm heading to bed! I love you and pray for you every night. Have sweet dreams my dear and I'm holding you in my arms!!!!
     
    XOXOXO Robyn
     
     
  21. Robyn

    Day 9...A new day!!

    By Robyn,

    This is the first morning I didn't wake up with that horrible gripping feeling in my stomach of insecurity. Perhaps I was able to stun the demons a bit and keep the focus off of me and on what she needs. I really like Jean's idea of exploring what JANE is thinking/feeling right now rather than just focusing on my issues. I can't stop working on my issues...those HAVE to be dealt with for me to be healthy WITH or WITHOUT her. But since I can't be with Jane and it is hard for me to really understand what's going on for her, it makes sense for me to explore what SHE is feeling right now about all sorts of life issues. It'll help me get into her head. Since I know her so well, this won't be too difficult...at least I don't think so! I guess we'll see.
     
    I'm taking the kids to the zoo right now, meeting a friend, but I'll come back tonight to begin to explore this!
     
    **************************************
     
    OK...so let's start with what I KNOW about her condition, and what I'm ASSUMING about her condition 5 weeks post stroke. Also, what I know about HER. She is walking with a cane and also walking on her own. She is working on getting full range of motion in her right foot and ankle. While her handwriting is legible, she needs work. 1 week post stroke the NP said she was a 4 out of 5 in terms of range of motion and control in her right hand, but needed to build up strength. She is room independent. Can do all her own personal care and manage her toiletries, etc. including her period.
     
    Cognitively/emotionally it is a bit harder. She tested at the genius level IQ. The speech therapist said she was further along in the speech therapy curriculum than any other patient she had had in the past. As we would walk around outside, she had a hard time recalling the names for things...a tire...a fire hydrant...a tree...a leaf. Once we told her what those things were, it stuck with her. When we asked her how she would drive a car...what were the steps she would take to do that, it was harder but, again, once we worked it through with her she would recall it perfectly the next time we asked her. She seemed distance and flat affect early on...probably from exhaustion mostly. She had her sense of humor and got some degree of sarcasm but got confused easily with too much stimulus. She seemed to be losing much of her fears while sitting in the rehab hospital (she is typically a FEARFUL person but works through it) but it was safe and secure and confined within 4 walls. Leaving that safety, no doubt brought many of those fears up.
     
    Jane is a person who is an introvert and ENORMOUSLY independent. She doesn't like ANYONE taking care of her...sometimes she would let me or her therapist/coach Sandy do that because she had learned to trust us...but it was/is still difficult for her based on childhood issues. Before the stroke she was emotionally strong. She was always willing to work through her issues, personal and professional, and always professed how important it was to "do her work". She is ambitious and works hard...too hard now she realizes. Aside from just receiving tenure at her job at a university, she was also trying to write a book while on her sabbatical, and also get her leadership institute/non-profit organization up and running. To make up for the financial loss of taking a cut in pay on her sabbatical, she took on extra adjunct teaching positions and summer teaching and was working non-stop all summer, even when we were together during our vacation.
     
    She's always felt like an oddball in her family...the family "brain". Went to Mt. Holyoke...the youngest daughter and the 5th of 6 kids. She played mother to her youngest brother, 9 years her junior. They have been, in the past VERY close because the parents just weren't there for them, according to her. Her next oldest sibling is schizophrenic and Jane had to commit him because the rest of the family, including her parents, seemed to be in denial about it at the time. Anti-depression meds and things like that scare her because she thinks she'll end up like her older brother. She moved away for her mental health and rarely went back home because her family always "walked all over her sh*t". Since she and I began dating, we spent much more time with her family...partly due to my encouragement. She began rebuilding her relationship with her current caregiver/sister, also in part due to my encouragement. They have ALWAYS had an estranged relationship. Even now in the hospital, Jane said she was accepting the help but that her sister knew how to push her buttons and she was just figuring out how to let it go for now to get through her healing.
     
    Tonight I'll address what I think her greatest fear is....that she will lose her autonomy and independence. That she will need to have someone monitoring her and caring for her forever. I don't think this will happen, but it is HER fear guaranteed. Next greatest fear is that she will not be able to be sharp enough to continue her academic work as a teacher, which she LOVES, and as a consultant/exec coach. She is willing to walk away from her tenured job and "retire early" if she feels she can't handle it intellectually/emotionally...she recognizes the job/school is a stressor for her. But she is ALIVE when she teaches...it is her passion...her joy in life!!! She doesn't have kids...she has her STUDENTS...that is the relationship she has with them. If she had to stop teaching or stop consulting/exec coaching, she would be devastated both personally and financially.
     
    This, I'm sure, is what is going through her head right now...what if I can't do this...what if I can't teach the way I want to teach any more. What if I can't do the consulting/coaching I love to do? This is her life and she's facing this uncertainty. As a fearful person inherently I'm sure much of her energy, when not working on therapy, is focused on getting herself to the place so these fears don't come true.
     
    That's it for tonight...more tomorrow!!
  22. Robyn

    Hey Babe!!!

    By Robyn,

    I wanted to talk a bit earlier tonight. I'm wiped. Will probably sleep early tonight...unusual for me as you know! :hahaha:
     
    Margaret was a bit mouthy today...I don't think she's gotten enough sleep so I'm going to get her to bed early. She 's had some bad dreams the last couple of nights. Its funny...I typically find either one kid or the other in my bed the last couple of days. Bad dreams...waking up early...I think its just new moving anxieties for them...new school, new routine, etc. you know... Trying to be patient and understanding but I won't tolerate the mouthiness as you know. I'm looking to reign that under control quickly!!
     
    We started today with violin lessons...Wednesday are the private lessons and Saturday are the group concerts and lessons. It is SUCH a bargain...Margaret loves it. Sam is eager to get his violin soon! Margaret loved listening to the violins and the cellos. I think this is her "thing" FINALLY!!!!
     
    After that we came home and had lunch and then this evening went to a BBQ at my chairman's house. It was nice...roast pork loin and all sorts of appetizers...YUMMY!!! There were other kids there so Margaret and Sam had people to play with...made it easier for me to mingle. Mary Sue was there...she's very sweet and has been very supportive!
     
    Tomorrow we head to the zoo. I'll tell you all about it tomorrow.
     
    I was thinking of taking the kids camping Labor Day weekend but the place I wanted to go was booked up. Decided to hang home Labor Day...swim in the pool, unpack more boxes (we are making GREAT progress by the way!) and then take them camping the following weekend up to Springfield...do the Lincoln Presidential stuff. I know you wanted to do that with me...and we still can...but it seemed like a good thing to do with the kids and I need to get away. I'm sure you understand. When you are better, I PROMISE we'll hit the presidential museums and stuff up there! Next spring, OK??!! I'll buy you a souvenir as a pledge I'll take you, OK?!!
     
    OK...gotta hit the bed...I'm tired!
     
    Be strong my dear...get better soon...I am holding you in my arms and in my dreams!!! I love you!
     
    XOXO Robyn
     
     
  23. Robyn

    Hey Babe!!!

    By Robyn,

    Well...one week down, another 7-ish to go on the Cape!! I hope you are doing well and getting something wonderful out of your therapy there. I hope you are resting and healing as you need to! I think of you all day...in between doing my work of course!!! :hahaha: I look forward to talking to you in a few weeks...
     
    I can't believe its been a year, this time LAST YEAR, we were out on the Cape for your dad's memorial service. I love that picture of us on the sailboat...it is my avatar on this site. That weekend was very special to me as it was the first time you said "I need you..." and you did, as you found out about Jeff and John and needed me to lean on, especially through your dad's memorial service. It was special because you were finally trusting and letting me in...into that sacred space you kept safe from the world to avoid getting hurt. One year...and how things have changed...scary... Last year we found out Annie was pregnant, your brother and John were ill, and your other brother had had a minor stroke and was recovering. John died in February and now YOU had a stroke...I think you've all had your fill, doncha think?
     
    I had a great visit with my new therapist today...she was wonderful. Different from Diane but VERY grounded and I think we have connected well. I'll see her once a week for the next couple of weeks and eventually, depending on expenses, I'll wean down to once a month. It'll be 80% after a $300 deductible. I felt very good when all was said an done.
     
    I got all my lectures ready for Monday...just have to work on Wednesday's lecture too. SHould be able to get that done this weekend so I can really focus on getting some research in gear next week. Our weekend plans are to hit Violin lessons tomorrow (Margaret's violin is BEAUTIFUL!) and then a party at my chairman's on Saturday evening. Sunday we are heading to the zoo with David!
     
    I'm a bit tired...looking forward to sleeping in a bit tomorrow! I miss summer!!! :hahaha: Having the semester start so early is just tough to get used to and I know added to my stress in the last couple of weeks. I guess it'll be nice to have a week off at Thanksgiving though so that's the tradeoff.
     
    Anyway...I'm going to cuddle down stairs, meditate, then read more from "The Wisdom of Yoga" which has been wonderful! Remember when I read some of that to you when you were in rehab? You seemed to enjoy it!
     
    I love you...I am holding you in my arms and my dreams! Sleep well my love!
     
    XOXO Robyn
  24. Robyn

    Hi Sweetie...

    By Robyn,

    I know I usually talk to you at night but I had to tell you now...I'm Sorry...I'm so very sorry that my own baggage contributed to how you are feeling right now...that you felt I didn't support you. I really get how you would think I was doing stuff for me and not for you. That's been with me all day today. I know, I bring my relationship insecurities...that I kept emotionally reaching and holding on to you as I was leaving...I couldn't bear leaving you... Up until that moment I felt solid, and calm, and present, but as i was leaving I let Judi get under my skin and it undermined me...my bad. I also realize you felt pressure from me for you to call me every day...because that is what I was used to...because that is what I wanted...I'm sorry. I'm struggling trying to figure out what you need...I get it now.
     
    After I left, my adrenalin high fell hard and my ability to be solid and calm and present evaporated. Not permanently as I've regained it but for those few days afterwards I felt drained...not just because of you but also because of everything I had been going through...job search, moving, traveling, getting the kids...no reserves to tap into...I lost it. They were right, I didn't have the wherewithal to be able to give you the support you needed, i.e., have you stay with me while you healed. And I do need to heal and stabilize and work through back to the strong person I was a few months ago...you need stability and I couldn't offer that.
     
    I have never loved anyone as I love you...and I know you feel and have said the same. I know when I was out there, you felt the connection but didn't want to deal with the pressure and insecurities I had, nor did you have the strength to fight off your OWN demons...your fears of intimacy and vulnerability. Let's both do our work, as we have in the past...know that I am here...I am waiting...I am patient...I support and love you and want only the best for you. I want to be your safe haven...and I can only do that if I am healthy and strong. I'm sorry...I love you!
     
    I'll talk to you later tonight!
  25. Robyn

    Day 6...Still moving!!!

    By Robyn,

    OK...so I miss her A LOT...I feel the absence!!! I'm trying to examine...is it really selfish of me to want and need her in my life? I found myself thinking that this morning when all I could think of was "PLEASE CALL ME!!!" and then I realized it was because that's what I NEEDED, not what she needed and that could be considered selfish, and understandably what she is reacting to along with her old intimacy demons. I'm not trying to say..."It's all my fault" because that was the old doormat Robyn who took on the responsibility for everyone else's feelings...I did that in my marriage...took all the blame and I realized that was wrong and foolish. BUT, I know and own that I may have contributed to her feeling so overwhelmed because she means so much to me and I do NEED her in my life. I'm mourning what I am missing... I can see that...I can see how she'd see that. I need to get past this...YES, I need her in my life but I don't want it to be unhealthy. My life WILL go on even if Jane and I end. But she enriches my life and I know I enrich hers...and we are GREAT for each other. We have, in the past, accepted each other's foibles and worked together to be in a healthy place. I'd hate to think that she'd want to end it all without giving us a real chance to work things out. I don't think she will as long as I am working to be healthy as is she.
     
    But she didn't say she wanted to end it...she said she wanted space to deal with her healing. And she asked me to find a way to heal myself. I'm the one that panicked and asked her if she wanted to make this permanent and she said she didn't know...maybe... She didn't offer that, I asked because I wasn't being present and I was worried about the future, not about what she needs NOW. So I really DO have to work on being present...on not worrying about the future because I can't control it, no matter how difficult that is. That's what the therapy and coaching is about. I let my own insecurities out of the bag and that overwhelmed her...she can't deal with me and her simultaneously. So I have to figure out how to keep that under check...thank goodness therapy begins tomorrow.
     
    Still breathing...still feeling good...but still missing her...!! :wub2: