Robyn

Stroke Caregiver - female
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Blog Entries posted by Robyn

  1. Robyn
    I'm so busy today...first day of teaching. Adrenalin kicked in and I just performed for them and had them eating out of the palm of my hand. It is all a struggle moment to moment, but as those weak moments come I remember it is still early in the healing process. That despite her anxieties and difficulties sharing her thoughts right now with me, especially on the phone, that she does love me but can't focus on our relationship and my presence is just a reminder to her that she can't be there for me and doesn't want the pressure to do so. That is hard, but I keep reminding myself...it is the stroke...it is the stroke...it isn't really her. Even she acknowledged that as we chatted last Saturday...she knew her brain was still swollen and things were not clear for her nor could she put her feelings to words. I know Sandy will help her return to herself...I have great faith in that...I just have to be patient. As Jean said...put my fears on hold for a while. Easier said than done I might add :hahaha: but I'm willing to try.
     
    Less than a month to chat with her again...lots of growth and healing for me in the mean time!
     
    I say good morning to her every day as I wake up and good night to her as I go to bed. I'm sending her love and healing and I hope she feels that and accepts that!
     
    Great session with Aruni. I wasn't sure how to keep the boundary between therapy and life coaching and she just drew the line and kept me focused. It is so nice to have someone to lean on IRL. Gave me something to focus on and actions to accomplish. Now to get through my night class...sigh...
     
    I now have a Friday appointment with a new therapist...keep all fingers and toes crossed...I'm feeling supported IRL FINALLY...!! I've been getting lots of virtual support here and with my friends long distance but it is good to have the support face to face, KWIM?
  2. Robyn

    Good night Sweet Jane

    By Robyn,

    I've decided since we usually speak to each other before we go to sleep that I'd try to have that dialogue with her here...Her voice was always the last I heard every night...I'm missing that so I hope this will help me cope a bit.
     
    Hi sweetie...how was your day? Mine was pretty good...busy, as it was the first day of teaching at SIUE. I think it went well...I think the students really like me which is good. Now if I can keep up the pace and get the research going so I can secure tenure that would be great. Don't want a repeat of RPI, KWIM? Margaret spent the day with me...didn't want to go to the day care center with Sam so that was OK...I let her stay. She had a good day. She's been really strong and helpful. I can't explain it...its been a huge change. Maybe because she realizes I am missing you terribly and am so worried about you...I dunno. But I know she misses you and is sad right now that you aren't feeling well. And she does love you, as does Sam. Sam said to me the other night "Mom, we are running out of time...I want Jane to get better." Its like he knows and he feels what you are going through in some weird way. You've always said you and he had a special bond and I think it is coming through. He keeps asking when we are going to see you again...I told him not for a while because you had to get better. Hopefully that will be true...sometime soon...
     
    I secured a therapist finally, and had my first coaching session with Aruni which was awesome. I will continue this no matter what...it was REALLY helpful and she is wonderful. I think one day that is what I will be doing...but right now I have to heal and focus on so many other things. You've been a wonderful role model in that area...how you've managed your life and your coaching and your career... The therapist sounds like she'll be good...we'll see...first meeting is for free and we'll check each other out and see if it will work. Aruni will manage my spiritual and life/work support, while the therapist will handle my emotional needs, but since she also has an M.Div can respect and reinforce my spiritual needs which is good. Both Aruni and the therapist are "family" so I know that will help, too.
     
    I hope you are getting better...I love you so much. I want so much to love and support you...whatever you need. I've never had to deal with someone who's had a stroke...I'm going to stumble and make mistakes but I only want the best for you. I feel awful that you think I am not supportive of your needs...problem is I'm trying desperately to figure out what your needs are. I'm getting more clarity thankfully. But any mistakes I've made have been done out of love, not malice...you know that. I KNOW you know that and feel it. I told you when I was with you that YOUR job is to get better...that's it...and that our relationship could take a back seat. This isn't EXACTLY what I had in mind as a "back seat" but if that is what you need I give it to you lovingly and willingly...all I want is for you to get better...just get better...
     
    So I will say good night my love...get well...stay strong...have sweet dreams and know in your heart that I love you very very much... I am holding you in my dreams. I'll talk to you tomorrow!
     
    XOXO Robyn
  3. Robyn

    Hey Babe!!!

    By Robyn,

    Have I mentioned to you how much I love it when you call me Babe! You've called me that from the beginning and I love it every time you say it!
     
    Tougher time today...I got a bit overwhelmed with all my school stuff and life stuff...worrying about the house back east that hasn't sold yet...about money...about managing the kids on my own...about the unsettledness of my life right now...about the fact NOTHING seems familiar. I know...I know...be present. And I got there...a good cry and sending the kids to bed early did wonders and it allowed me the freedom to just sit here and relax. You know...some days the kids just press all my buttons. I realized one thing at a time would be accomplished and it would all get done. Staying present...and breathing.
     
    I spent time in my office today...for the first time really since I moved here. It felt good...I just needed to sit there...to be a part of it since I have felt so disconnected from everything for a while. I got some work done and met with my TA and another student. Overall pretty productive so that was good. I'm ready for class tomorrow...thankfully I can teach HR in my sleep, you know?!! Kind of like when you teach the leadership class...you don't even really have to think about it...it just is and I'm in the moment and connected to the students.
     
    I was thinking about that discomfort you said you were feeling...truly trying to figure out how that squared with the connection we shared when I was out there. And I realized that that discomfort you felt was in reaction to me but not with the attribution you were giving it. You have always said that you aren't used to feeling vulnerable to someone...weren't used to having someone so intimately entwined in your life. I think that is the discomfort you are feeling...that old issue that when you are healthy, you can work on so you can move to a healthy place. But right now as you are struggling to some clarity through this stroke, you can't tap into the means you have used in the past to squelch those fears and be in that healthy space. You said before and AFTER the stroke that you wanted to move closer to me...I believe truly that is what you may ultimately want...but when you say that, the old demons come up and cause you to panic. You just don't have the emotional wherewithal to battle the demons back...I understand. I know I may have put to much pressure on you to connect, but I was trying to connect with you in a way that represented the intimacy we have shared in the past. I thought giving you solid ground and consistency with the past would help you, not push you away...I guess I was wrong. It caused you to misinterpret my actions...caused you emotional turmoil...not my intent but I can't take it back now. WHEW... We've always gotten through everything with honesty and dialogue...I hope as your head clears and you get more clarity, you and I can talk, and begin anew...even if that means we have to take a ride down memory lane to reestablish the trust and connection we had before...even if that means we have to learn how to battle those demons again...TOGETHER...I'm up for the ride...I hope you will be too!!!!
     
    Good night, sweet angel...I am holding you in my dreams as always! Sending you my love!!!
     
    XO Robyn