I kept things pretty low key...stayed with friends, had dinner out, went to my retreat house for some R&R, took care of affairs at my home... It was just what I needed to keep taking the steps to move forward and heal from this last few months. There were moments of melancholy but less so than I had expected. I think the process I went through the first few weeks after I left her at the rehab hospital and before she made the split final really helped to put me in a good place. It certainly took a good 6 weeks for me to be in a better place...still sad but more than able and ready to move on. Of course I'm not SPRINTING as I'm moving on, but I'm moving which is really all one can ask for.
I spent some time thinking about what I was feeling. There are moments when I go through the expected "How could I have not seen that...how could I have tolerated that" stuff. I realized that when we love and trust someone, nothing is ever perfect but its about the choices and tradeoffs we make. Some things we tolerate because it is balanced against some pretty incredible other stuff. We had some very good things and even though there were things that weren't perfect, they weren't intolerable. So it is easy to go to the place once it is over, remembering the things that weren't perfect and wondering why we accepted those things. Then you have to remember that the trust and love that was there before is now gone so the "balance" that was there before is also gone only leaving the things that weren't perfect and leaving you scratching your head wondering "why did I do that".
I don't want to live in a place of regrets. What makes this so painful is that the three years WERE incredible...the person she WAS...willing to fight to be there emotionally, was great. And I knew in time, absent any tragedies such as this, we'd be OK. But you can't count on tragedies not happening I realize now. And I'm also recognizing that someone who has those fundamental emotional issues would never, in the end, be able to commit in a meaningful way...at least not in the way that I think is meaningful. She said she needed space from me...space from what? Calls to her to inquire how she is and to tell her I love her...calls to her family to find out her progress...? What was she afraid of...someone who'd love her, care for her, want to help her...? How was what I did so awful that she'd need to cut off all contact with me? How do you do that to someone who you said was your partner, bestfriend, family? That is what I mean...if it wasn't this tragedy, it would be ANOTHER tragedy...she ultimately is not capable of sustaining a loving committed relationship with anyone, no matter how much she wants to...she wants everyone at arms distance. What a lonely lonely sad life... Being able to give yourself to another, whether it is as a parent or a lover or spouse is beyond description...it is an incredibly beautiful, loving and rewarding experience. She will never really ever be able to sustain that...and that is so sad... She accused me of only caring about myself and my needs yet that is what she has always been guilty of, from the beginning and she admitted it herself. She said she was selfish which is why she never wanted to have kids...always wanted her career...rarely had meaningful relationships with lovers...had few, if any friends. Why didn't I hear those words?? Because I didn't want to...because I thought it would be different...ah well...lesson learned.
I'm doing great but I'm still sad underneath. I now have to compose a letter to her to include in the stuff I send back to her. I want it to be meaningful for me for my closure but also something that may one day be meaningful and get through to her, if that will ever be possible. We'll see. Something inside of me believes, or wants to believe, that she will wake up from this stroke-induced haze and realize how she treated me, which was pretty lousy, and may one day apologize. That's all I'd like to hear...an apology for taking my love for granted and treating it so lightly... That would help.
I also realized one of the things that will help me move on from this is that it is highly unlikely I will see her again, especially if she doesn't return to life in academia, which is HIGHLY possible. I certainly won't see her for at least a year, if not two years unless she actually reaches out and comes to find me, not that I think THAT will happen... But one never knows. So anyway, I'm realizing I have a good year+ to heal and move on...perhaps meet someone else...before I'll have even a remote chance of seeing her again, if at all. Since I am in a new apartment, she has NO history with me here...she was never in this place with me so I have no memories of her here, either. I guess if there EVER was a time for this to happen, this was the best time...I'm making a fresh start, new location, new experiences...I can wipe the slate clean and move on. As much as it was hard, it was, in retrospect, the best time for this to happen.
So I continue to make friends and reach out in my community...make a new life for myself...it is kind of exciting thinking about that!
