Robyn

SEnding it back to ya, dude!!! I can wait a bit longer!!!! And so goes the housing market...hang in there! XO Robyn

WHEW...I love ya kiddo! Take care of yourself! XOXO R

Yeah...that's about right...!!! LOL!!! I know I won't stay here, but its where I am right now. I really don't WANT to believe it was a lie, but it does feel like a violation when someone one day says I love you, you're my best friend and the next day, CIAO BABY...! I'll make peace with that as well I'm sure...that's what I'm paying the big bucks for therapy to help understand. I know deep down it is the stroke-induced confabulation and her emotional intimacy/baggage but I'm not ready to make peace with that yet, know what I mean? It still hurts too dang much... We all have to work down our paths of healing in our own way!! :hug: XO Robyn

Good for you. If you don't take care of yourself you won't be able to be there for them ANYWAY! Don't feel guilty...relax and enjoy! :hug:

Yeah...that's the HIPPA (sp?) laws...it's that way EVERYWHERE...

Yeah...4 and 7 are too young to be able to help. Can you get a home health aid for the evening hours to give you a break so you can spend some quality time with your kids, get changed out of your clothes, and have someone help get dinner on the table?

Sherri...My house is outside of Albany in East Nassau, NY...Rensselaer County. Binghamton is way more depressed than Albany was until about May when I put my house on the market. Now the Albany market is flat...sigh... Jean...I'd agree with you if it were actually something he did BEFORE we moved but he never really called when he didn't have the kids and this has been going on for three years+ . It's just his way. Most divorced fathers I talk to actually call their kids every day...he just doesn't. I've urged Sam to call his dad more this past week or so but that's because Sam has been really acting out and I figured speaking with dad would help. Dad hasn't called regularly so we've had to do it...I just can't get him to call... It isn't that he doesn't love them, but I just don't get it... My friends are awesome...many have called and emailed...some said "So now are you going to move back home???" It is nice but I didn't move for Jane (although I tried to move closer to her) so moving back isn't an option. They are all giving me whatever space I need and whatever embracing I need which is great!

So I'm taking the kids back east to see their dad tomorrow...its a costly trip because I have to fly the three of us from St. Louis to Albany NY...even on Southwest it is $1100 for us to fly. I have to do laundry tonight, grade exams, pack bags... We have an 11:50am flight and should get to NY by 5:30...long day. Once I drop the kids off with Dad, I'm staying with my friends Josie and Kathy...they are going to take good care of me which I need desperately. Dinner tomorrow evening and a comfy couch to sleep on...surrounded by good friends, what else can I ask for...! Saturday I'm going to spend the day at my retreat center...first time I'll return there since Jane's stroke...it is where I was when I found out about her stroke in July. I know it'll be hard, particularly since I had hoped to be with HER this weekend visiting her, but now, of course that is no longer an option. So I'm indulging myself in good food, spiritual centering, a 90 minute massage, and a soak in a hot tub. Sunday I'll head out to my unsold house and close the pool for the season officially. I only did a cursory job in June when I left upstate because I had hoped it would sell. But now I'm still stuck with having to pay my rent out here and the mortgage back there. Draining money from my retirement account but heck...who cares about that stuff right...I may NEVER retire...I may not be able to afford it...sigh... I have to decrease the price of the house again and just keep hoping. And people wonder why I have so much stress in my life...sigh... I should be back here by 9:30pm-ish on Sunday evening...hopefully the kids won't explode too much traveling!!! We'll take another trip back east in November...dad will be here in another week as well...he's doing his part to really stay present with the kids. It just bothers me that he doesn't call them regularly. I just don't get that...how can a parent NOT want to talk to their kids????? When he has the kids I call them EVERY DAY!!! I hope he can get the final adjustments to the custody arrangement put together so I can take care of all the final details and get things filed. I'm sure we'll be talking about that tomorrow. I'm still sad about things...more at peace...able to move forward, but definitely still sad. I feel so violated...lied to...I don't know. When you entrust your love to someone you sort of expect they will hold it sacred but its like she just took it for granted by walking away without even trying. It feels like such a violation... I have to write her a letter once I gather together the final things I have in the house to return to her. Still not sure what I will say but I am hurt and believe she needs to know that. I won't be mean or spiteful but I'll be honest and direct...the way I've always been with her...maybe one day it will all register with her...maybe one day she'll realize what she threw away without a second thought...it is painful to think the person I thought loved me just doesn't care any more... Another hard weekend but I know I'll be OK...one day at a time! See y'all Sunday evening!

Take care of yourself...can the kids help you out in any way? How old are they?

Welcome...there are no mistakes in the blog world...just let it flow! I find journaling is a wonderful tool to help one process. I've used it pretty intensely the last month although now things are leveling off. Normally I journal in private but this place has really helped me deal with the stroke of my ex-partner who has recently broken up with me after 3 years. Now I plan on journaling about how my life is moving onward! Blogs will ebb and flow depending on our needs...don't try to plan it, just do it. Enjoy your trip to the UK...have a very grand time!!!

OH SWEETNESS!!!! :hug: Definitely see your doc...get some different meds. If you are tired and unenthused this is not normal...stroke or no stroke. Stupid thoughts are not normal too! I am REALLY worried about you...PLEASE take care of yourself. Email me or PM if you just want to unload. I am TOTALLY here for you!!!!!! Please please...I care for you so much...PM me if you need me...!!!!

Sue...thank you. The Dead Sea is dead because it receives and never gives out... I agree...when you offer yourself to others you gain so much. The notion of giving back to society, of giving of yourself to others is so important to me. In my teaching I encourage my students to give back to society and to encourage the businesses they work in to give back to society...social responsibility we call it in the JARGON. Jane used to be amazed at what I gave to others...to my children and their schools...to causes...I've performed in the Vagina Monologues to fight violence against women...mentored student groups... She never made the time to do those things...too busy with her own stuff, she said. As I reflect on the things in our relationship, I wonder how I missed this stuff... Then I'm glad I am who I am...I'm glad I have done and will continue to do what I do for others. It just gives me more enlightenment and understanding that I should've seen the writing on the wall ages ago and I never ever saw it... Sorry to ramble like this here but I'm realizing more and more what a selfish person she was and I looked past it...she couldn't accept me wanting to give to her because she was dead inside in so many ways already... WOW... I think it wasn't a place she wanted to be but couldn't help herself ultimately...how sad for her...

:Clap-Hands: BRAVO...prove them wrong! And I'm glad the creepy guy left!

This conversation has been very enlightening to me. It is what I've been thinking about my circumstance with Jane. I had ALWAYS believed...or she had LED ME TO BELIEVE...that we were strong and could work ANYTHING out. I had every intention of staying with her, no matter what...would've cared for her 24/7 if need be. But she ran...and for a while I thought I did something to push her...then it was easy to blame the stroke, but really it was her...her issues...her crap...her baggage. I believed in my unspoken vows to her. I always checked in with her...even a week before her stroke we talked about what we'd change in the other person if anything. She had nothing she'd change in me...I told her jokingly I'd want her to change the way she holds her foot on the accelerator of the car...made me nauseous driving with her. But I said in the big picture it was meaningless...I'd really change nothing. SHe had her opportunity then...5 days before the stroke to tell me she had problems and she didn't. She lied to me for three years. My relationship failed because she lied and didn't do her part... I was misled... Am I wrong here folks...???

:hug: You have to talk to his doctor...abuse is not OK, no matter how good of a person he was before. Get the help and protect your children...that should be your HIGHEST priority sweetie. People have asked me if things were to change and Jane would want to come back would I want that...my answer is no because regardless of the reasons why she walked away, she has hurt my children and I can't allow that to happen again. Help Steed get the help he needs because you don't deserve to be treated so poorly...! :hug:

Pre-defense jitters!!! You can do it! We all have our needy moments though...I have them regularly. Am feeling a bit needy myself now too!!!

:Clap-Hands: YIPPEE!!!

I'm sorry you had such a negative experience...we are ALWAYS here for you!!! :hug:

WHEW!! Thanks...I'll let you know if it works for me!!!!!!

Heck...I'm insecure and I haven't HAD a stroke. Yes, these things happen in EVERY relationship and it is important to talk it out and find ways to reassure each other when the baggage we have comes out to dance!! Keep talking...it is the only way it will work!!!

Can you work with a speech therapist to come up with better ways to help stimulate your memory???

I don't think there are "appropriate" illnesses but I'm learning that there are lessons that a higher power offers us in these moments. Instead of focusing on what you did to deserve the stroke...awful thought at that...focus on what you are learning NOW about yourself that can help you be a better more whole person!!! How many more days for the diss defense???!!

Sherri...blogging helps TRULY! Let it all out there...the blog hears you without judgment and the perspective from others here helps, too! I encourage my students to journal as well!!!

:hug: Welcome to blogging...it is therapeutic so I encourage you to continue processing when you can!

Thanks Bonnie! I appreciate that...warms me to my center!!!