Robyn

Wishing you all sorts of luck and then when you are done with it send some my way so my house in upstate NY sells soon!!!!

next trip...just for you...head to Northern New Mexico and either hit Ten Thousand Waves in Santa Fe or the Ojo Caliente Hot Springs north of Santa Fe near Taos. DELIGHTFUL!!!

I was tired reading your account to. It is hard when you are pulled in so many directions...I understand. But getting out is important.

I'm hanging...I am!!!!! Thanks! :hug:

:friends: I know Bonnie and I am very very grateful for all of you!!!!

I'm doing it day by day!!! Thanks!

Thanks Bill, Lisa and Mel!

You guys are the best!!!

Mel...when I get to Cincy we'll definitely have a drink! I promise!

XOXO

I know...it seems that way...and it makes me profoundly sad...

I'm thinking about bringing them to my therapist next week so she can help me talk with them more productively about this. I think I'm doing OK but I'd love to have an "expert's" opinion on this as well, you know?!

thanks Phyllis...it is easier every day but still hard...

Absolutely Bonnie. That is really the conclusion I had in my mind as I wrote that...we can't and I wouldn't want to for many reasons, those you listed above. But we want to help them from feeling that pain.

I spoke with Margaret about that tonight...that even though people may hurt us, we have to continue to love and find love. I think she understood!!!

You blog feels very positive and upbeat. Remember this on those days when things get tough!!!

Sorry I missed this sweetie...been lost in my own pain these days! I'm sorry about these outbursts...hopefully you can find some meds to help with this.

Happy Birthday...sorry I missed it!! :hug:

Oh my gracious you guys are TRULY TRULY the best!!!

I'm not leaving Phyllis...I will continue to be here and love and support all of you! I hadn't thought of things the way you put it...I'll reflect on that. Perhaps in the end you are right. But I need to sit with that for a while!

Jean and Tina...you can cut and paste each other in my blog...no complaints from me!!!

I'll come back later tonight to blog about my weekend and the impact this has had on my kids...whew...you mess with my kids, you cross the line...

Remind me to change my avatar...that picture looks like a lie too. She's behind me holding me...go figure...

No doubt she was prompted by her therapist who I know used to regularly talk with her on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Yesterday was Thursday...

I'm not holding out hope we'll talk again...perhaps, if she returns to academia, we'll see each other again at a meeting or conference or something. But I won't reach out to her...

I don't understand it either...but basically NOW by making me the scapegoat it gave her an out...can't blame her, she's not well...must've been that ROBYN was the bad person...ROBYN didn't care enough...ROBYN wasn't there for her...yeah...that must be it... Honestly, she might be dead right now if I hadn't sought out people to find her. If I had been with her in the hospital when her BP went sky high, I never would've let her leave and had said so to her at the time...but none of that mattered to her. She said "I'm not running away or toward you...just walking on my own path now...you can't understand because I am seeking the TRUTH...you only care about yourself and what you need, you don't care about what I need." HUH???????

Again, I assumed the relationship was strong before this...strokes don't make you fall OUT of love...if this is how she feels now, then she was lying to me before... I feel sorry for her, but I have NO interest in ever talking with her again, personally or professionally.

I'm a good person...I deserve to be treated better...

:hug: thanks Bonnie!

thanks everyone!! You guys DO mean the world to me and we've only known each other a few weeks!!! your continued support and insight have truly kept me afloat and inspired me over these last couple of weeks.

I know the Lord has beautiful things waiting for me...beautiful beautiful things...I just need to heal right now and learn to trust again...

Ann...I love you :hug:...you are exactly right...that is what intimacy really is...all that and more. And she just couldn't go there. My feeling is, from what everyone has told me, is that the stroke doesn't make you fall out of love with someone, but just lays bare your true feelings...and it DOES make me feel like all she said to me, all she pledged was a lie. Sorry I still feel that way but it is all I have right now...and it works for me...

I will stay in the blogging world here...but I don't think I can return to the forums...at least not right now. So I will post here and comment on other blogs to stay in touch with everyone!!!

I'm heading out this weekend...taking the kids camping! I'll be back Sunday evening!

XOXOXOXO

Thanks Fred...I know I will go on and probably love again. RIght now I just have a lot of healing to do and I have to learn how to trust again. To trust when someone says they love me and that I am their family they actually mean it.

The accusations she made are painful and hurtful and I have a clear and clean conscience regarding my actions in this relationship. I am angry and sad...

Trina...she isn't trying to free me...she just has indifference towards me. And accused me of some awful things...too hurtful to even recount... Maybe some compassion one day...but not today...not now... Sorry...

I think you know it, without a doubt, although you may not think of it by that name. It is about reaching out, making yourself vulnerable to another...allowing yourself to fall in love...to need someone in your life. Sharing your deepest, innermost feelings...allowing yourself to be engaged even if you are uncomfortable... The normal stuff one would see in a committed relationship.

No Jean...she never had issues being in a lesbian relationship, she had issues with any kind of emotional intimacy with people...sharing emotions...vulnerability, allowing yourself to "need" someone in a healthy way. She came out as a lesbian long before we met and had been in several relationships before me. Being a lesbian was something she embraced and was comfortable with. Its the emotional intimacy that's an issue... She always put up walls, in past relationships and in the pre-relationship days of our relationship.

This is really about her emotional intimacy issues...

Definitely!

BTW...3 mornings in a row...NO NAUSEA!!!!!!!!!!! I never thought the day would come!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Nothing has really changed except my attitude of being able to let go more...

Thanks Jean...

Thanks gang!

Sam is 4...last year of PRE-K. He actually LOVES the violin lessons as does my daughter. If they didn't I wouldn't make them! Yes, its Suzuki. I teach at a school -- Southern Illinois University-Edwardsville -- that has a Suzuki instruction program that is 40 years old! The founder of the program was the first American music teacher to bring the Suzuki method to the US. The students in the program travel the world touring...they are VERY talented!!! My daughter is VERY musical...its her strength so as long as she loves it I support it!!! I'm sure having a dad that loved this instrument had its benefits and disadvantages!! Do you at least enjoy listening to the violin? Personally I prefer the cello but I can't convince either child to do the Suzuki Cello lessons!!!

Sam needs some "good attention" for positive things so yesterday was a good day. We'll see how it goes today, too!!!

Ann...you are incredibly sweet! I am VERY familiar with the 12 steps. No, I don't go to meetings, but the essence of them are what my spiritual work is about. My coach is a recovering alcoholic so we basically walk the 12 steps without calling it that. On top of doing coaching with her, I've been involved with her in two spiritual retreats so her experience and her guidance have been valuable. I quit drinking almost 3 years ago. I don't consider myself an alcoholic but I can see how it could be a possibility when I'm feeling like I can't cope so I decided to stop.

In the intense work I have done the last year I have finally acknowledged my need for control can drive me starkraving mad as well!!! With everything I've experienced in the last year...losing my job, moving, now Jane's stroke...UGH...I realized I was sinking! So I began working to get at my control issues...to learn how to sit more comfortably and at peace with those urges to go starkraving mad!!!! This last month has been absolutely amazing to me...watching and really understanding my journey through this. I think this is the first time in my life I've actually been able to recognize and work myself out of that place of madness. I finally understand it...finally. It is still a challenge but I am understanding it...and the work I've been doing REALLY WORKS!!!

As for the essence of Insanity...YES!!! Pema Chodron, a buddhist nun, says we are doomed to repeat the same patterns over and over again until we FINALLY get what we are supposed to learn from that experience. I think I'm finally approaching this after years of work...years of therapy...years of spiritual seeking.

So now that I've learned my lesson...can I have Jane back???!!! Just kidding...sort of...

Yes...I can emote and NO you are not alone!!! :hug: Let's do what we can to support each other!!