Robyn

thanks...Phyllis! I'm trying...

Thanks Sue...beautiful words! Even though I'll have some closure with things, I know that there will still be a long time to heal. And I know I'll have good days and bad days. I'm in no hurry...I will continue to work with my coach and my therapist and my blogging here...and one day I'll wake up and it won't hurt so much and the air will smell sweet and the day will feel light and airy!!

Had a good meeting with my therapist. Coming to realize there is nothing I could've done differently that would've changed this outcome. I'm not "at fault" for this situation. Not that Jane is "at fault" for having a stroke, because that would be ridiculous BUT the more my therapist and I dug into some of the intimacy issues of my relationship with Jane the more it was clear to me that this really is about her baggage now. Yes, the stroke laid these things bare and revealed them, but otherwise they might not have been ever at issue because in her healthiest moments she always worked to be there face to face and toe to toe with me emotionally. But the stroke has really created this context. I'm still hurt, I'm still angry, I'm still profoundly sad...she still said things that hurt me. But at least I'm working on not OWNING that I did this or something wrong to cause her response to me. This is about her and her issues, stroke-induced or not and I can't and won't shoulder any guilt or blame for the way I did things...I wouldn't change a thing. I did what any normal loving partner does. Her inability to accept that and be comfortable with that was HER problem, not mine. Unfortunately I am caught in the wake of this, along with my children. Fortunately, my therapist will see the three of us next week to help us move on from this experience and learn how to love and trust again. So I feel a bit lighter. Am working on closure with those whom I feel the need to have closure. I emailed mutual friends last night and gave them the news...all are shocked and saddened and have offered their love and support to both Jane and I, as well as the kids, which is nice. Unfortunately, Jane has pushed EVERYONE back so that support may never be felt by Jane, sadly. I'm still trying to reach out to Jane's brother. I'll probably leave a message for him some time this week and I think that will be the last bit of closure I need to let go and move on more constructively. I want to recapture my life right now and not live like a heavy brick is across my back. I want to laugh again...I want to LOVE again, but not right now... And remind me to NEVER EVER have a long distance relationship again...NEVER EVER...been there done that...

Wishing you all sorts of luck and then when you are done with it send some my way so my house in upstate NY sells soon!!!!

next trip...just for you...head to Northern New Mexico and either hit Ten Thousand Waves in Santa Fe or the Ojo Caliente Hot Springs north of Santa Fe near Taos. DELIGHTFUL!!! I was tired reading your account to. It is hard when you are pulled in so many directions...I understand. But getting out is important.

I'm hanging...I am!!!!! Thanks! :hug:

:friends: I know Bonnie and I am very very grateful for all of you!!!! I'm doing it day by day!!! Thanks!

Thanks Bill, Lisa and Mel! You guys are the best!!! Mel...when I get to Cincy we'll definitely have a drink! I promise! XOXO

I know...it seems that way...and it makes me profoundly sad...

I'm thinking about bringing them to my therapist next week so she can help me talk with them more productively about this. I think I'm doing OK but I'd love to have an "expert's" opinion on this as well, you know?!

I just spoke with a dear friend, who after me, was Jane's closest friend...at least until recently. I told her what was going on...told her what Jane had said to me last week. SHe was flabbergasted. She said "Robyn, you and Jane were rock solid. There never was a truer, stronger, more loving relationship between two people. It doesn't get any better than what you had." I nearly died when she said that...it meant that what I perceived as our relationship REALLY WAS REAL...I wasn't crazy...I wasn't imagining things. It really was as lovely and as strong as I thought it was. But she also told me Jane was pushing EVERYONE back...especially people with whom she was very close personally and professionally...EVERYONE. She also confirmed for me everything I've already said here...that this is typical of Jane's way of dealing with things. She also agreed with me, as she knows Jane's family situation, that being in Boston is the WORST place for her to be emotionally. This was doomed to fail from the moment the decision was made to isolate her from me by bringing her back there. I challenge her to stay emotionally healthy...her family allows her to fall back into her dysfunction. She told me to not close my heart off because she felt, knowing what we had, that this was not rational and was likely temporary. I told her I didn't think I could do that and that I wasn't so sure it was temporary. She felt I'd hear from her again...somehow, some way...that it wasn't over yet. I'm not holding out ANY hope...I can't. I have to move on and heal. She agreed I should do that but to still find a way to keep my heart open. We'll see...right now I feel like that is asking a lot of me considering what I'VE gone through over the last month. I guess it was nice to hear from someone who knows and loves Jane and I and knew our relationship that this is just plain wrong and should never have happened. Honestly, even if she comes back to me and apologizes, I don't think I could live through another experience like this. When the next crisis comes, I can't live through her pushing me away again. If she couldn't trust in me and our relationship now, that won't change in the future. That is what hurts. I really did think we were rock solid...that we had the groundwork to make it through this experience. Jean said in someone's blog comments about those relationships that don't make it through this crisis will fail for one of two reasons...one of which was a character flaw...this is all about her character flaw and not about me and what I thought was the strength of our relationship. It still hurts like nothing I've ever experienced but I know it isn't from something I did that caused this...and I wasn't the only one led to believe we were rock solid and as strong as it gets. Now back to my regularly scheduled life... Sam seems to love his new day care...YIPPEE!!! :Clap-Hands: He is eating like a champ and has had nothing but good behaviors. Keep your fingers and toes crossed. Margaret also got her progress report at school and she has A's in everything!!!!! :cheer: We'll get through this...inch by inch, day by day...

thanks Phyllis...it is easier every day but still hard...

Jane and I celebrated 3 years when she was in rehab...she has now slammed the door on me for good. I don't know what to think or what to advise you...it may be that he may never come back. And I don't understand it but have to learn how to accept it about Jane... It is still surreal! Sorry sweetie :hug:

Absolutely Bonnie. That is really the conclusion I had in my mind as I wrote that...we can't and I wouldn't want to for many reasons, those you listed above. But we want to help them from feeling that pain. I spoke with Margaret about that tonight...that even though people may hurt us, we have to continue to love and find love. I think she understood!!!

You blog feels very positive and upbeat. Remember this on those days when things get tough!!!

Sorry I missed this sweetie...been lost in my own pain these days! I'm sorry about these outbursts...hopefully you can find some meds to help with this.

Happy Birthday...sorry I missed it!! :hug:

So I took the kids camping this weekend...hopefully for some healing time together. It was hard because I had planned an event that Jane had wanted to do...going to the Lincoln Museums and libraries and stuff. She had expressly told me it was something she wanted to do with me and the kids. I had the weekend planned before her call last week. It probably wasn't the wisest of choices on my part but the kids didn't have any idea. It was also tough because the last two times I went camping 1) I was with the kids and Jane had just had her stroke...I wanted to be with her and I couldn't as I was 2000 miles away from her. 2) the time before I was camping to go back east and meet the kids and it was the last sane, loving conversation I had with her...I remember lying in my tent, talking into the night about our plans and how much we loved each other and how she had talked to our friend out there about me buying property in Cortez CO once my house back east sold. So I was stuck with those images and then all the replaying of our conversation the previous Thursday. So it was tough, but I know each day it is getting a bit easier. One day it will just be a faint memory...I know...it just doesn't feel that way right now. We did have fun, until this morning...Margaret got whiney and when I finally got her straightened out, Sam chipped in and started. Earlier in the weekend, Margaret was making a list of people in her family and said "I'm not going to include Jane in our family any more, OK?" I said, "I understand, sweetie, Jane has decided she doesn't want to be a part of our family so that's fine." Then she said "What would happen if Jane wanted to come BACK to our family?" I said "What would you want?" She said "I'd want to have her back, I love her and miss her." I said "Well, I understand but Jane said some mean things to me that hurt my feelings and I don't know if I'd trust her again. But we can see if that happens..." (not that I'm counting on it but I'm trying to not sound mean or hateful to my daughter). So as Sam now has his turn to explode as we leave the restaurant we're eating at, he starts to say "I miss my other mom...I miss Jane" and he's crying. Needless to say, after a long weekend and a long morning dealing with my daughter I am reduced to a pool of tears. I gather myself and get on the road when Margaret asks me if I have Jane's address, where she is now. I said "I do...WHY?" "Because I want to write her a letter and tell her how much she has hurt our feelings that she doesn't want to be in our family. I'm mad that she hurt you and makes you cry. I want her to call me so we can talk about it. Maybe that will help things." (Talking things out is something Jane worked on with Margaret...go figure) So I said "I don't know if that will change things but I think you have the right to tell Jane how you feel." So she plans on writing a letter some time soon and then I'll put it in the box with the things I'll return to Jane. She may read it...she may not...it might affect her in some way...but it probably won't. But at least Margaret will have the opportunity to express her feelings which is important. Sam was better later on but I think these bouts will happen from time to time until enough time has passed and she fades from memory. I've gotten rid of pictures in the house so I think that will help both kids out to some extent, along with me too, obviously. I am pained by what my kids are going through. We trusted her...we had spent the last 7 months before her stroke really building our family. We had done a lot together the four of us and Jane had finally embraced being a step mom. She prided herself on learning how to engage the kids...prided herself in helping Sam learn how to eat carrots...played with us, camped with us, swam with us... I'm trying to understand this...I just don't...I WANT to understand how she can just walk away without a backwards glance...with no regrets...it is cold and heartless and cruel...to me...to my kids. How can someone I love(d) do this??? How did I miss this part of her? I don't know... So we are rebuilding...step by step...little by little... But how do I continue to protect my kids from this hurt? Is it even possible?

Oh my gracious you guys are TRULY TRULY the best!!! I'm not leaving Phyllis...I will continue to be here and love and support all of you! I hadn't thought of things the way you put it...I'll reflect on that. Perhaps in the end you are right. But I need to sit with that for a while! Jean and Tina...you can cut and paste each other in my blog...no complaints from me!!! I'll come back later tonight to blog about my weekend and the impact this has had on my kids...whew...you mess with my kids, you cross the line...

Remind me to change my avatar...that picture looks like a lie too. She's behind me holding me...go figure...

No doubt she was prompted by her therapist who I know used to regularly talk with her on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Yesterday was Thursday... I'm not holding out hope we'll talk again...perhaps, if she returns to academia, we'll see each other again at a meeting or conference or something. But I won't reach out to her... I don't understand it either...but basically NOW by making me the scapegoat it gave her an out...can't blame her, she's not well...must've been that ROBYN was the bad person...ROBYN didn't care enough...ROBYN wasn't there for her...yeah...that must be it... Honestly, she might be dead right now if I hadn't sought out people to find her. If I had been with her in the hospital when her BP went sky high, I never would've let her leave and had said so to her at the time...but none of that mattered to her. She said "I'm not running away or toward you...just walking on my own path now...you can't understand because I am seeking the TRUTH...you only care about yourself and what you need, you don't care about what I need." HUH??????? Again, I assumed the relationship was strong before this...strokes don't make you fall OUT of love...if this is how she feels now, then she was lying to me before... I feel sorry for her, but I have NO interest in ever talking with her again, personally or professionally. I'm a good person...I deserve to be treated better...

:hug: thanks Bonnie!

thanks everyone!! You guys DO mean the world to me and we've only known each other a few weeks!!! your continued support and insight have truly kept me afloat and inspired me over these last couple of weeks. I know the Lord has beautiful things waiting for me...beautiful beautiful things...I just need to heal right now and learn to trust again... Ann...I love you :hug:...you are exactly right...that is what intimacy really is...all that and more. And she just couldn't go there. My feeling is, from what everyone has told me, is that the stroke doesn't make you fall out of love with someone, but just lays bare your true feelings...and it DOES make me feel like all she said to me, all she pledged was a lie. Sorry I still feel that way but it is all I have right now...and it works for me... I will stay in the blogging world here...but I don't think I can return to the forums...at least not right now. So I will post here and comment on other blogs to stay in touch with everyone!!! I'm heading out this weekend...taking the kids camping! I'll be back Sunday evening! XOXOXOXO

Thanks Fred...I know I will go on and probably love again. RIght now I just have a lot of healing to do and I have to learn how to trust again. To trust when someone says they love me and that I am their family they actually mean it. The accusations she made are painful and hurtful and I have a clear and clean conscience regarding my actions in this relationship. I am angry and sad...

Trina...she isn't trying to free me...she just has indifference towards me. And accused me of some awful things...too hurtful to even recount... Maybe some compassion one day...but not today...not now... Sorry...