Robyn

karen..."I" don't have any issues with that...she might, but I don't. I told her in the rehab hospital I'd accept WHATEVER the stroke gave us. I was in it for the long haul. But of course, that's assuming SHE wants to be in it for the long haul, too. But I'm NOT leaving her. This relationship ends if SHE wants it to end...

Right now I'm just giving myself some emotional distance to help me cope, so I can move forward. In this moment, I have to just let her go, but I'm not LEAVING, if that makes sense.

Sherri...Hearing from you really helped...it did!! THANKS!!! :hug: :friends:

Thanks Karen! I appreciate your comments and suggestions.

Interesting, I was reviewing notes I had taken while she was in the rehab hospital. They expected her, even then, to make a full and complete recovery, physically and cognitively. Emotionally that will be harder/longer and honestly, MDs never really get the emotional stuff, but I had forgotten what they felt her prognosis was. They said EXCELLENT that she'd go back to what she had done previously. And this was 2 weeks post stroke. Anyway...for what its worth...

I will come back to blog on this tonight, Sherri...I had a great meeting with my therapist!!!

I'm not giving up...just giving myself space to deal with the possibility it is over for real and allow myself to function right now. But I haven't COMPLETELY given up...I PROMISE! More later!!!

Thanks Ann...I'm smiling from ear to ear right now!! I couldn't agree with you more...everything you've said...EVERYTHING! Not being able to talk to her or her family is FAR worse than not being the caregiver. I gave that up awhile ago...but I would have done it...no doubt about it...gladly, willingly, lovingly!

I am VERY familiar with the prayer and I am changing what I can change and letting go what I can't change...

I did finally explain to Margaret (my oldest) that is the way it is...Jane is not well and isn't going to be in OUR family right now and she may never be again. But we have to deal with our lives and just pray for her to get better and maybe ONE DAY she'll reach out to us again. But we couldn't count on that. She seemed OK with that...Sam, my 4 year old, is going to struggle much more. They were closer and he is less able to understand.

I'm not even trying to think about what will happen if/when she wants to return. I'm not even going there... That is for the next moment. Right now, in this moment, I am moving on for myself.

Yes...looking forward to the therapist visit today!!! I'm focusing on the kids and me and what we need.

And today was the first day in a month I didn't wake up with a stomach ache. Go figure...

Possibly...but she did initiate the previous two calls I got so I don't know. Although perhaps now because there may be more at stake she may be afraid to call...afraid of how I'll react...afraid I may just push HER away, which of course I wouldn't do. But if she thinks I'm upset with her for pushing back a bit perhaps she is afraid to initiate the call.

I don't know...I'll see what my therapist has to say tomorrow...

HMMM...came back to add...I'm ASSUMING she initiated those two calls. It is possible someone made the call for her and handed her the phone... Someone maybe pushed her to make the calls...

I just wanted to add, too. This hasn't affected JUST me... My son is having problems in day care. Hitting teachers and friends. Today when I went to pick him up to take him home early because of his behaviors he said he missed his old mom. I asked him what he meant, he said "I miss Jane...she's my older mom".

My daughter is older...she told me it makes her sad to think about Jane. She prays every night for Jane to get better and return to our family. I finally had to tell my daughter that Jane is just not going to be in our family right now because she is sick. That doesn't mean she didn't love us and want to be with us before, but she may be so sick right now she'll never get better. As much as that makes us sad we have to let her go right now and maybe some time in the future she may to come back. My daughter said that sounded ok to her.

Jane pushing back not only has affected me but its affected and hurt my kids too. This is someone they grew to trust...who told us that WE were all a family. She said she loved them. I can't just allow myself to sit in limbo because it affects my kids, too.

Exactly Jean...exactly. I know what the reasons are...Jane has problems with intimacy and vulnerability. WHen she's healthy she fights back against those fears...but right now, she can't fight. So for whatever reason, I'm left with the concern that I have a "primary" relationship with someone who doesn't want me to contact her. That's just not a relationship when someone closes AND locks the door. I can't continue to sit here and smile and say "this is OK" forever. It's not like I'm with her or seeing her and she just doesn't want to talk romance...she has closed and locked the door. So I have to prepare to move on... In THIS MOMENT...it is over...

I'll see what my therapist says tomorrow about calling and when...

That's what I'm seeking Ann...how happy I can be with me. Figuring out what I need in my life. That's why I'm letting go...this is what she needs...I'm giving it to her. It isn't what I want, but as you said, her needs take precedent. But how long should I wait? I have to let go of her...have to work on my life. I'm not closing the door...and I'm not necessarily telling her I'm moving on right now, but I'm preparing myself to move on.

I never wanted this but this is what I've been dealt and I'm trying to balance my needs, her needs, the kids needs...

Trust me, Ann...I wish I were the caregiver...wish I could help her...I'd gladly takeover the wheelchairs, walkers, canes, etc...assuming she'd want to be in my life. But its clear she doesn't right now...whether that is temporary or permanent I don't know...so do I continue to wait and hope? Or do I move on with my life in some small way, because, as you say with the serenity prayer...have the wisdom to recognize the things I cannot change...and I cannot change her state.

In this moment...RIGHT NOW...Jane doesn't want me in her life. So in THIS MOMENT...RIGHT NOW...I am moving on. If in the next moment she wants to reenter and continue working on this...gladly...I love her. But in THIS MOMENT...I have to move forward and let go of her in some way. Otherwise it is too painful...otherwise I obsess...otherwise it keeps me mired in despair and that doesn't help me or my kids.

I'm not running away from her...she has pushed me away. What else can I do? I'm open to suggestions...

Possibly...I'll talk with my therapist about it on Tuesday...

I just don't know...and that's what hurts...I know nothing about her right now. What she can or can't do. Her family hasn't even reached out to let me know... I do know she had begun accessing her email about 2 weeks ago so I don't know...

Thanks gang!! :hug:

I'll come back when I am drawn to...the blogging DOES help! But I have to sit with this and get through this next experience. I'll let y'all know if/when she calls...I'll blog again in time...I just need a little space...

You guys make me feel very good!!! I really appreciate you reaching out.

yes, Jean, I've got a huge case of the nerves. I'm scared...I've never loved anyone as much as I love her. I'm scared she wants to end it...scared she doesn't want to try...scared...and sad... I will wait another week or so if I don't hear from her. She made it clear she would call. But if I don't hear from her I'll reach out to her in another week or so and we'll see what happens. If nothing else I need closure. I do suspect she'll call in the next week or so, so I'm willing to give her more space to do that on her own.

Fred...I don't want it to end but I'd accept it if that is what she wants...how can I possibly fight for her if she doesn't want it, you know? I will wait if she wants me to wait, but I'll let go if she wants me to let go... And it will hurt but as you said with the Serenity Prayer...I can't change her and the situation if she wants to end it so I have to accept it...

Asha...I will try to still blog...but I just can't post right now...it is too painful. I would miss you guys a lot!!! I don't want to leave my relationship...I want to be the 50% who stay...I'm MORE than willing to stay!!! But I feel like it isn't my choice...

Thanks Jean...

I am ready to let it all go...honestly, it is just too hard and hurts too much. I'll see how things go if/when she calls but I'm ready to let it all go if that's what she wants because it is just too painful. I would never leave her but if she wants to end it I won't fight it...I just can't...

I appreciate things have changed for her...unfortunately they haven't changed for me...that's what makes this so ugly and unfair. I would give the world to her...I would do ANYTHING for... If the stroke has permanently changed her, I can't fight it...its done...

But I have my life and my kids to deal with...If I were her primary caregiver I would do it lovingly and gladly but since she doesn't want it or me...honestly, that is not a partnership to me...that is not "in sickness and in health" which was my pledge to her.

It makes me so sad to hear stories of all of you caring for your spouses and having them be so grateful for that in time...that love is still there. I know the care is not easy but I would love to have been given a chance. I feel like I'm not begin given that chance which makes me feel like what we had really wasn't what I thought it was.

Sorry...I'm just really really sad...

Phyllis...last time I saw her was 8/10 when I left her at the Rehab Hospital in New Mexico. A week later she left for Cape Cod to do outpatient at Spaulding Institute. I am in St. Louis area. I last spoke with her 8/16 when she asked me not to call her or write her or call her family. She said she wanted space to heal and she felt like there was an underlying discomfort she felt when thinking of our relationship. She said my desire to speak with her often and know what is going on with her was more a reflection of what I wanted rather than what she needed. She said she wanted to be selfish about her time right now and just focus on her healing.

I was friendly with those caring for her but I made two calls before she asked me not to call them and neither called me back. Then she asked me not to call so I haven't...I respected her wishes.

As for meds...she was on Neurontin, Requip, and a Blood Pressure med when I left New Mexico...I have no idea now.

I haven't tried to call her because she asked me not to so I don't know if she would have avoided my calls if I tried.

What would Jane have done...if I had asked her to stay away, she would have, just as I have done. But the difference between her and I is that she is the one with the intimacy issues, not me. I'm not sure I would've told her not to call or write or to not be in touch with my family. When her previous partner had surgery, Jane was her spokesperson and caregiver and remarked it made her feel closer to that person because of it. Jane had also said our relationship was FAR closer than anything she ever had with her previous partner...so...I don't know...

I'm not sure what the sheet of paper divided would add to my current thinking. In a sense I've done that. I absolutely and completely get the impact the stroke had on her. THe issue for me is whether she has a desire to move beyond that state to recapture the emotional health she had before the stroke. If she does, then I know she'd want to eventually work on the relationship, even if ultimately it didn't work out. If she doesn't then that is not a relationship I want to fight for.

What I'm trying to say is that I understand what happened but I'm allowing myself to comfortably walk away if she wants to or if her conditions really don't allow her to continue a relationship. Right now I just don't know what she is thinking...and that IS frustrating. But I have no desire to end it...I'm not giving up on her.

Does this make any sense?

Each day your confidence will come back!! You are doing great and finishing that diss is going to be a HUGE confidence booster. Good gracious even people without strokes struggle at this point in time in the process. You are INCREDIBLE for finishing this post-stroke! You are going to do great because you want to!!!

:hug:

Wonderful news...I hope that continues to work for you!

Phyllis...thank for sharing. No...I didn't get the call and in all honesty didn't really expect to. That doesn't mean I didn't hold a LITTLE hope out but honestly I didn't expect it so I'm not really disappointed. She said she'd call me in a month...that is more important to me than a reminder of a day that was transformative to me but is really in the past. It does pale in comparison to wanting Jane to heal and learn to trust me and our love again. I know it will take a bit longer...its only been 7 weeks...I know she loves me and I love her...and in time it will be OK... That's what I have to believe right now...

Thanks Jean...! That means a lot coming from you!

Thanks Tina...and thanks for sharing about your sister. I wish I had been afforded the luxury of an understanding family growing up but that didn't happen. But I decided, no matter what, that I would be true to me now. I've never regretted it!

Amy...your brain is naturally doing that as a protection mechanism. I'm glad you are aware that it is purely hypothetical. You can't go there right now because it isn't real. But you are strong...you'd do it if you had to because that is who you are!!! But don't let yourself get mired down in the "what ifs" because they take you out of THIS MOMENT, which is a joyful one that you have a husband and daughter who love you IMMENSELY! Rest in that joy.

My blog deals with a lot of my struggles to stay present and not worry about hypotheticals...exactly what you are talking about in your blog today. I welcome you to read through it...you may find my musings comforting.

Welcome to blogs...this is a great place to process and just document progress. I can attest to the fact it REALLY works!!

I wish you and your family the best through this journey...I can't imagine what I'd do if my child went though this! You are brave and strong!!

You're welcome!!! :hug:

I was 4 blocks away watching the whole thing happen...thankfully didn't lose anyone I knew personally but it was awful living among all that death and sadness for a long time. I'm still bothered by the whole thing...can't really watch anything 9-11 oriented.

Happy Birthday to Mike...and congrats on making it 1 year post stroke!

I'm sorry your cousin is so awful...I hope she cleans her act up! :hug: