Robyn

I think you know it, without a doubt, although you may not think of it by that name. It is about reaching out, making yourself vulnerable to another...allowing yourself to fall in love...to need someone in your life. Sharing your deepest, innermost feelings...allowing yourself to be engaged even if you are uncomfortable... The normal stuff one would see in a committed relationship.

No Jean...she never had issues being in a lesbian relationship, she had issues with any kind of emotional intimacy with people...sharing emotions...vulnerability, allowing yourself to "need" someone in a healthy way. She came out as a lesbian long before we met and had been in several relationships before me. Being a lesbian was something she embraced and was comfortable with. Its the emotional intimacy that's an issue... She always put up walls, in past relationships and in the pre-relationship days of our relationship. This is really about her emotional intimacy issues...

She called today...its over. Said she doesn't even think of me... Said other things that were hurtful as if I had done something wrong... I spoke with a good friend who knows both of us and she said I've done nothing wrong...that truly this is all about Jane's projections and emotional intimacy problems. And she said she'd ABSOLUTELY tell me if that was indeed the case, that I had messed up in some way. Bottom line, it is easier to blame me rather than to acknowledge she has a ton of baggage...that has ALWAYS been her problem. She always said she was being honest with me...always said she told me everything... She lied...she did...she lied... My three year relationship was just one big lie... I can forgive her stuff post-stroke, but she was referring to issues pre-stroke... I trusted her and it was all a lie. And no...this is not the stroke talking folks...trust me on this one. I got duped. If she was truly committed to me as she said she was, she never would've closed and locked the door. This was just a convenient excuse for her to leave because she couldn't handle the emotional intimacy. In my discussion with our friend, she said people with Jane's level of emotional difficulties have a serious pathology, but I never saw it...never...I got duped. Our friend saw it but I never did. Jane wanted the level of intimacy I could offer but really couldn't do it in the long run. SHe's simply incapable of it but convinces herself she can...for awhile. Intimacy can only come when SHE'S comfortable...and when she didn't want it I was made to feel that intimacy was wrong. Our friend said she thought that Jane was simply using me...I don't know... I'm angry and I feel sorry for her...but I'm glad I moved on a week ago...glad I had the stuff packed up and ready to send back to her. I told her I was going to send it back...along with pictures and letters and everything else... I have enough memories in my mind, heart and soul...I don't need the visual reminders in my life right now. So life goes on...I'm sad but relieved...

He self-destructed in the day care today. He wasn't even there 45 minutes. I pulled him out of that day care and put him another that is smaller and less "open-environment". I'm beginning to think a large part of it may be them, too. They just don't seem to know how to handle him and there is not a lot of structure there. He needs much more structure. SOOOO...day care situation, take two...we'll see how tomorrow goes.

Definitely!

BTW...3 mornings in a row...NO NAUSEA!!!!!!!!!!! I never thought the day would come!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Nothing has really changed except my attitude of being able to let go more... Thanks Jean...

Thanks gang! Sam is 4...last year of PRE-K. He actually LOVES the violin lessons as does my daughter. If they didn't I wouldn't make them! Yes, its Suzuki. I teach at a school -- Southern Illinois University-Edwardsville -- that has a Suzuki instruction program that is 40 years old! The founder of the program was the first American music teacher to bring the Suzuki method to the US. The students in the program travel the world touring...they are VERY talented!!! My daughter is VERY musical...its her strength so as long as she loves it I support it!!! I'm sure having a dad that loved this instrument had its benefits and disadvantages!! Do you at least enjoy listening to the violin? Personally I prefer the cello but I can't convince either child to do the Suzuki Cello lessons!!! Sam needs some "good attention" for positive things so yesterday was a good day. We'll see how it goes today, too!!!

A short one tonight but I'm hoping I've cracked Sam's issues a bit. He had a great day today at day care. I got him there around 8am because I had to teach this morning. I got there around 11:30am and spent lunch time with him which is apparently his "stress out" time. I ate lunch with him and his friends at the table...meatloaf, stringbeans, mashed potatoes and fruit...then sat with him as he went down for his nap. He didn't actually fall asleep but he sat on his cot nicely and quietly. I eventually left him mid-rest. I returned about 4:30 and he had a GREAT day the rest of the day so I treated him to Chocolate Chip Pancakes for dinner before we went to violin lessons!!! I think by actually spending time with him during his stressful time and having him know its all going to be OK it helped break up his day. At lunch time he said "So do I get to stay at my school the rest of the day?" (After his crashes, he wants to stay but the center won't let him stay and then that upsets him.) So I said YES and he smiled. This evening he said his school was maybe a little OK. One day does not mean a victory BUTTTTTTTTTT it is a good sign!!! :Clap-Hands: I'll do this for the next couple of weeks and we'll see what happens!!! :pepper: On a good note for me...two mornings in a row with NO nausea. YIPPEE!!! And I really feel at peace for the first time in a long time...finally... The stuff I've been doing really works...

Ann...you are incredibly sweet! I am VERY familiar with the 12 steps. No, I don't go to meetings, but the essence of them are what my spiritual work is about. My coach is a recovering alcoholic so we basically walk the 12 steps without calling it that. On top of doing coaching with her, I've been involved with her in two spiritual retreats so her experience and her guidance have been valuable. I quit drinking almost 3 years ago. I don't consider myself an alcoholic but I can see how it could be a possibility when I'm feeling like I can't cope so I decided to stop. In the intense work I have done the last year I have finally acknowledged my need for control can drive me starkraving mad as well!!! With everything I've experienced in the last year...losing my job, moving, now Jane's stroke...UGH...I realized I was sinking! So I began working to get at my control issues...to learn how to sit more comfortably and at peace with those urges to go starkraving mad!!!! This last month has been absolutely amazing to me...watching and really understanding my journey through this. I think this is the first time in my life I've actually been able to recognize and work myself out of that place of madness. I finally understand it...finally. It is still a challenge but I am understanding it...and the work I've been doing REALLY WORKS!!! As for the essence of Insanity...YES!!! Pema Chodron, a buddhist nun, says we are doomed to repeat the same patterns over and over again until we FINALLY get what we are supposed to learn from that experience. I think I'm finally approaching this after years of work...years of therapy...years of spiritual seeking. So now that I've learned my lesson...can I have Jane back???!!! Just kidding...sort of... Yes...I can emote and NO you are not alone!!! :hug: Let's do what we can to support each other!!

karen..."I" don't have any issues with that...she might, but I don't. I told her in the rehab hospital I'd accept WHATEVER the stroke gave us. I was in it for the long haul. But of course, that's assuming SHE wants to be in it for the long haul, too. But I'm NOT leaving her. This relationship ends if SHE wants it to end... Right now I'm just giving myself some emotional distance to help me cope, so I can move forward. In this moment, I have to just let her go, but I'm not LEAVING, if that makes sense. Sherri...Hearing from you really helped...it did!! THANKS!!! :hug: :friends:

Thanks Karen! I appreciate your comments and suggestions. Interesting, I was reviewing notes I had taken while she was in the rehab hospital. They expected her, even then, to make a full and complete recovery, physically and cognitively. Emotionally that will be harder/longer and honestly, MDs never really get the emotional stuff, but I had forgotten what they felt her prognosis was. They said EXCELLENT that she'd go back to what she had done previously. And this was 2 weeks post stroke. Anyway...for what its worth...

Yes...a good visit with the therapist today. It wasn't great earlier...Sam had to be picked up from day care because he was hitting again...teachers mostly. He's on probation at day care so I'm trying to find a therapist for him as well as find something that can help him cope when he feels stressed. The most difficult times seem to be around lunch so I'm going to spend lunch time with him every day and see if that helps. Keep your fingers and toes crossed. So Sam had to join me at the therapy appointment. It was surprisingly productive considering we had to talk "around" him. What did I learn today? Hmmm...Well, I started by telling the therapist basically what I said in my last entry and list of comments. How I packed things up, how it is helping me prepare to let go ultimately if that is what she wants. It gives me distance so I can basically function in the situation I am in...completely and totally in limbo. In this moment, I have to let go. So she made an observation...that I am the type of person that jumps in with two feet, always. That I tackle things and try to resolve the issues in front of me. Basically, I have a high internal locus of control...I believe I can manage ANYTHING. Perhaps it comes from years of self-confidence, education, I don't know. Having a PHD I'm sure contributes to that, or perhaps that's what makes me a good academic. But in situations where I am not in control...where I am in limbo...that is INCREDIBLY difficult for me. I fight for information...I struggle...I'm in pain. :Tantrum: It is not a place where I want to stay for very long. I've worked greatly at this...Jane has helped me at some level...my own therapy and spiritual work have also helped me. But this is who I am fundamentally. No judgment...it is just how I deal with situations like this...I'm an information seeker and I fight the limbo. She said others are better able to let go and set things aside like this. We all cope differently. That is just not me. I'm a bull in a china shop...I want the answers and I want solutions. So she acknowledged that I have spent 5 weeks trying to be calm in this difficult situation. That I have worked hard at trying to be calm in this craziness. Between working with a therapist, and a coach and blogging...plus my own reading and personal work at home, I've made an incredible effort for me to be comfortable in this situation. This is beyond anything I've ever had to deal with and I've done quite well considering my personality. She also understands and acknowledges I may be at my limit to sit quietly and calmly. I'm also someone, in her opinion, that puts a lot of value on building relationship and I put enormous stock in THIS relationship. So I can't stay in a limbo situation for long because it conflicts with my notion of building relationship. Have I given up? NO NO NO NO NO!!! I haven't. But I can't obsess over it. Can't stay in the place I was in. I told her I still felt "tethered" to Jane, despite my need to try to move on for myself and the kids right now. My door was open...I didn't want to give up, but I knew I couldn't stay so emotionally tied to her because it was destroying me from the inside out and causing problems with my son as well. So then something occurred to me regarding the reading I recounted the other day about "staying in the middle". Some people find it easier to put their relationship on a back burner and find they can stay in the middle, while I find it much more difficult. My way of coping...my way of staying in that middle place...allowing the worst case scenario to sit on my left hand and the best case scenario sit by my right hand...is to do what I'm doing now. I allow the tether to still be there...I love her immensely, I don't want to give up. But I have to create some emotional distance to get through it all. I'm not so far away because I have the tether so I can reel it all back in and learn to begin anew if that's what she wants. But I can also cut the tether and move on if that is what ends up happening as well. By boxing the stuff and trying to move on IN THIS MOMENT I can function in the manner I need to function right now, creating some emotional distance. Without regular contact, yes, this relationship may very well fade...but that's why I'm keeping the tether and the emotional distance and I'm making peace with the fact it may very well fade. So as to the question of calling. We discussed that. I didn't want to call today or even this week. My feeling was that if I called after what I construed as a month -- 4 weeks precisely -- if she is more "aware" that might look desperate and clinging. Also, it made sense to perhaps wait another week because it still allowed for her to initiate, if that is something she is capable of doing, and allowed for a more "fluid" notion of "I'll talk to you in a month..." I also know time is sort of relative in her current condition...she may not be THAT aware of time passage. I also wanted to call when I was with my therapist so she could catch me if/when I crumbled or would help me process the call after it occurs. She thought it would be good if we could just leave a message so it didn't feel so overwhelming to Jane to actually pick up the phone and talk to me...so it didn't feel like an intrusion. The last time I called her her cell phone was off and its possible she may turn her cell phone off except when she is making a call so the likelihood I'll get her voicemail is pretty good. Since I don't have a sense of her schedule, it would be hard to say when is a good time to call but we figured during the day was a good bet. So NEXT Tuesday, 2pm her time, I'll call her and we'll see what happens. Bottom line, my therapist thought it would be good to call because either way I'll know by how she responds to the call. Sherri said in a blog comment that as a stroke survivor she encouraged me not to give up on Jane. I don't want to and I'm not totally right now...but I'm honestly unsure how to fight for her and convince her I do want to be in her life, while respecting the place she's in right now. I guess I have to just wait until I see how she responds to my call. I'll try to tell her in my message that I love her and I'm not going anywhere, that I want to continue to love and support her as she needs, that I hope she is healing, and that I would love to hear about her progress. Any other recommendations??? What do you think she'd need to hear from me???!!! Anyway...I'm still in a good place. Still IN THIS MOMENT letting go so I can manage right now. But you can't let go of 3 years that easily so NO I'm not completely letting go until she either says its over, which she didn't say in our last phone call, or simply never calls me. Not much more I can do right now...I found my way to cope until I have the information I need...

I will come back to blog on this tonight, Sherri...I had a great meeting with my therapist!!! I'm not giving up...just giving myself space to deal with the possibility it is over for real and allow myself to function right now. But I haven't COMPLETELY given up...I PROMISE! More later!!!

Thanks Ann...I'm smiling from ear to ear right now!! I couldn't agree with you more...everything you've said...EVERYTHING! Not being able to talk to her or her family is FAR worse than not being the caregiver. I gave that up awhile ago...but I would have done it...no doubt about it...gladly, willingly, lovingly! I am VERY familiar with the prayer and I am changing what I can change and letting go what I can't change... I did finally explain to Margaret (my oldest) that is the way it is...Jane is not well and isn't going to be in OUR family right now and she may never be again. But we have to deal with our lives and just pray for her to get better and maybe ONE DAY she'll reach out to us again. But we couldn't count on that. She seemed OK with that...Sam, my 4 year old, is going to struggle much more. They were closer and he is less able to understand. I'm not even trying to think about what will happen if/when she wants to return. I'm not even going there... That is for the next moment. Right now, in this moment, I am moving on for myself. Yes...looking forward to the therapist visit today!!! I'm focusing on the kids and me and what we need. And today was the first day in a month I didn't wake up with a stomach ache. Go figure...

Possibly...but she did initiate the previous two calls I got so I don't know. Although perhaps now because there may be more at stake she may be afraid to call...afraid of how I'll react...afraid I may just push HER away, which of course I wouldn't do. But if she thinks I'm upset with her for pushing back a bit perhaps she is afraid to initiate the call. I don't know...I'll see what my therapist has to say tomorrow... HMMM...came back to add...I'm ASSUMING she initiated those two calls. It is possible someone made the call for her and handed her the phone... Someone maybe pushed her to make the calls...

I just wanted to add, too. This hasn't affected JUST me... My son is having problems in day care. Hitting teachers and friends. Today when I went to pick him up to take him home early because of his behaviors he said he missed his old mom. I asked him what he meant, he said "I miss Jane...she's my older mom". My daughter is older...she told me it makes her sad to think about Jane. She prays every night for Jane to get better and return to our family. I finally had to tell my daughter that Jane is just not going to be in our family right now because she is sick. That doesn't mean she didn't love us and want to be with us before, but she may be so sick right now she'll never get better. As much as that makes us sad we have to let her go right now and maybe some time in the future she may to come back. My daughter said that sounded ok to her. Jane pushing back not only has affected me but its affected and hurt my kids too. This is someone they grew to trust...who told us that WE were all a family. She said she loved them. I can't just allow myself to sit in limbo because it affects my kids, too.

Exactly Jean...exactly. I know what the reasons are...Jane has problems with intimacy and vulnerability. WHen she's healthy she fights back against those fears...but right now, she can't fight. So for whatever reason, I'm left with the concern that I have a "primary" relationship with someone who doesn't want me to contact her. That's just not a relationship when someone closes AND locks the door. I can't continue to sit here and smile and say "this is OK" forever. It's not like I'm with her or seeing her and she just doesn't want to talk romance...she has closed and locked the door. So I have to prepare to move on... In THIS MOMENT...it is over... I'll see what my therapist says tomorrow about calling and when...

That's what I'm seeking Ann...how happy I can be with me. Figuring out what I need in my life. That's why I'm letting go...this is what she needs...I'm giving it to her. It isn't what I want, but as you said, her needs take precedent. But how long should I wait? I have to let go of her...have to work on my life. I'm not closing the door...and I'm not necessarily telling her I'm moving on right now, but I'm preparing myself to move on. I never wanted this but this is what I've been dealt and I'm trying to balance my needs, her needs, the kids needs... Trust me, Ann...I wish I were the caregiver...wish I could help her...I'd gladly takeover the wheelchairs, walkers, canes, etc...assuming she'd want to be in my life. But its clear she doesn't right now...whether that is temporary or permanent I don't know...so do I continue to wait and hope? Or do I move on with my life in some small way, because, as you say with the serenity prayer...have the wisdom to recognize the things I cannot change...and I cannot change her state. In this moment...RIGHT NOW...Jane doesn't want me in her life. So in THIS MOMENT...RIGHT NOW...I am moving on. If in the next moment she wants to reenter and continue working on this...gladly...I love her. But in THIS MOMENT...I have to move forward and let go of her in some way. Otherwise it is too painful...otherwise I obsess...otherwise it keeps me mired in despair and that doesn't help me or my kids. I'm not running away from her...she has pushed me away. What else can I do? I'm open to suggestions...

I took off the ring and bracelet she gave me...packed it with other jewelry she gave me and some things of hers that are in my house right now. I'm not leaving, but I'm trying to move forward...not sure if that makes sense. A symbolic gesture but it is enough to move me past the limbo I've been in. In a sense, taking control of my emotional state. If I can stop clinging to those things it enables me to contemplate moving forward and letting go of her if that is what has to happen. I'm still contemplating if/when I'll reach out to her. Possibly I'll call her...possibly I'll write her a letter. Unsure how much more time to give her...maybe another week. I'll talk to my therapist and see what she has to say... I'm trying to figure out how to balance her needs and my needs...when do you cross the line to dysfunctional? When does completely respecting her needs become unhealthily ignoring my own feelings and needs? I've given her the month she asked for...but I think it is just wrong to tell me not to contact her family to know what's going on for her. If I continue to do this, when does it stop being a good thing for her and start being a bad thing for me? I could live with talking to her sporadically if I could contact her family...or if they would contact me. I think that is the thing that pushes me over the edge...the "don't talk to my family" state of mind. I continually struggle with that...is it just stroke-based irrationality, or true feelings? I just don't know...and I know that no one but she can answer that and she's not talking to me right now... So Tuesday I go to the therapist...until then, I wait and continually move on with my life. I'm basically making the peace I need inside of myself to allow myself to let her go...I'm not letting go QUITE YET, but I'm creating the conditions that will allow me to do that if I have to.

Possibly...I'll talk with my therapist about it on Tuesday... I just don't know...and that's what hurts...I know nothing about her right now. What she can or can't do. Her family hasn't even reached out to let me know... I do know she had begun accessing her email about 2 weeks ago so I don't know... Thanks gang!! :hug:

From Pema Chodron, Comfortable with Uncertainty: Openness doesn't come from resisting our fears but from getting to know them well. We can't cultivate fearlessnes without compassionate inquiry into the workings of ego. So we ask ourselves, "What happens when I feel I can't handle what's going on? What are the stories I tell myself? What repels me and what attracts me? Where do I look for strength and in what do I place my trust?" The first thing that takes place in meditation is that we start to see what's happening. Even though we still run away and we still indulge, we see what we're doing clearly. We acknowledge our aversions and our cravings. We become familiar with the strategies and beliefs we use to fortify our cocoon. With mindfulness as our method we start to get curious about what's going on. For quite a long time, we just see it clearly. To the degree that we're willing to see our indulging and our repressing clearly, they begin to wear themselves out. Wearing out is not exactly the same as going away. Instead, a wider, more generous, more enlightened perspective arises. How we stay in the middle between indulging and repressing is by acknowledging whatever arises without judgment, letting the thoughts simply dissolve, and then going back to the openness of this very moment. That's what we're actually doing in meditation. Up come all these thoughts, but rather than squelch them or obsess with them, we acknowledge them and let them go. Then we come back to just being here. After a while, that's how we relate with hope and fear in our daily lives. Out of nowhere, we stop struggling and relax. We see our story line, drop it, and come back to the freshness of the present moment. **************************************************** The reading I reflected on last night... I realized that I am OBSERVING the indulging and repressing...I am recognizing it when it happens, but I'm not able yet to let the thoughts go without judgment. I am still letting the highs and lows carry me for awhile. I do eventually grab hold and settle in to a liveable place...so it is something I am working on, but I'm not altogether successful yet. One thing Aruni has told me is that it is the process that matters most...the effort and attempt. Its not about perfection. So all night and all morning I just continually reminded myself, she may not call...there is nothing you can do about it...she may not call. So I don't despair but don't get overly optimistic either. Yesterday morning I had a dream...my first positive dream that things may work out. I know dreams are just, in many ways, our subconscious working out our issues to help us cope. But it felt nice. Today I am going for an outdoor nature walk with some friends and then an early dinner. Keeping busy... I have to go to my office to do some work, too so that will be helpful as well.

I'll come back when I am drawn to...the blogging DOES help! But I have to sit with this and get through this next experience. I'll let y'all know if/when she calls...I'll blog again in time...I just need a little space...

You guys make me feel very good!!! I really appreciate you reaching out. yes, Jean, I've got a huge case of the nerves. I'm scared...I've never loved anyone as much as I love her. I'm scared she wants to end it...scared she doesn't want to try...scared...and sad... I will wait another week or so if I don't hear from her. She made it clear she would call. But if I don't hear from her I'll reach out to her in another week or so and we'll see what happens. If nothing else I need closure. I do suspect she'll call in the next week or so, so I'm willing to give her more space to do that on her own. Fred...I don't want it to end but I'd accept it if that is what she wants...how can I possibly fight for her if she doesn't want it, you know? I will wait if she wants me to wait, but I'll let go if she wants me to let go... And it will hurt but as you said with the Serenity Prayer...I can't change her and the situation if she wants to end it so I have to accept it... Asha...I will try to still blog...but I just can't post right now...it is too painful. I would miss you guys a lot!!! I don't want to leave my relationship...I want to be the 50% who stay...I'm MORE than willing to stay!!! But I feel like it isn't my choice...

I am waving the white flag...if she wants it over, I'm done. It's not fair...it's not what she said she wanted when she was at the rehab hospital but obviously what I thought was going on was not what was going on. I am confused and I don't understand...I've tried. I can understand a difference BEFORE a stroke and then AFTER. But this is all AFTER... One day its "I want to be closer to you and I love you" and then it's "I can't deal...I want space". I can understand if it was just a matter of before and after, but when you change your mind post stroke that tells me there is something else going on... And I'm sorry...that DOES feel like a lie to me...Maybe it isn't to her, but it is to me... That was not the Jane of July 16th...that wasn't even the Jane of August 7th after the stroke...but it became the Jane of August 19th... I want to understand...I want to talk to her...I want to support her...I want to do all I can to help her get better, but she doesn't want me to help. And if that's the case, then that's not the partnership I thought we had...because I believe in "in sickness and in health"...I believe you are supposed to run to your partner's side and offer all your support...you are supposed to declare your love and support...you are supposed to be there in thick and in thin...and she just doesn't want that from me... So I'm done blogging and posting...I'll let people know if/when she calls and the end result. But it hurts too much to read about relationships that still remain strong even after the stroke. I would love that chance but I'm not being given that chance. THAT is what makes the relationship and the last three years a lie to me... When you say you are "FAMILY" you don't run away...when you say you are "PARTNERS" you don't run away... I'M not running, but it feels like she has closed the door and locked it. I can only beat my head against the door and plaster my nose against the glass so many times before you just have to wave the white flag and say enough... I'm ready if she wants to end it. I don't want to...I want to still try...but I'm ready if that is what she wants. And I'm very very very sad...I will never be the same... Thanks everyone!!

Thanks Jean...