AZ Leah

Stroke Survivor - female
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  1. AZ Leah

    HAPPY NEW YEAR ! ! !

    By AZ Leah,

    HAPPY NEW YEAR


    STAY SAFE AND MAKE STROKE RECOVERY A PRIORITY IN 2014 SO WE CAN ALL HAVE BETTER LIVES. BE HAPPY, HEALTHY AND
    SPIRITUAL. love you all, LEAH
    :friends: :cocktail: :happydance: :Clap-Hands: :Dance: :Jammin: :cheer: :music_band:
  2. AZ Leah

    MERRY CHRISTMAS

    By AZ Leah,

    BEFORE THE DAY IS OVER I WANT TO ADD MY WISHES OF A MERRY CHRISTMAS TO EVERYONE HERE ON STOKEBOARD.NET. MAY THERE BE PEACE ON EARTH AS THE NEW YEAR TURNS. I PRAY EVERYONE IS SAFE AND YOU HAVE HEAT, WATER AND NO ICE ON YOUR TREES LIKE SOME OF MY RELATIVES IN MICHIGAN. For a change I am happy in Arizona with the low 60's and nights in the low 40's and I have heat, water and no ice, although some of the city does have some ice on the windshields in the mornings. Reminds me of days gone by.
     
    For 2014 I plan to continue working out to get stronger. No telling what will happen. Of course, I'm sure the good Lord know. Happy Birthday Jesus.
     
    Fondly, Leah
  3. AZ Leah
    Time to get back on the horse I fell off. I ended up going into HealthSouth rehab to jump back into physical therapy. I cannot say it helped too much except to point out to me how far I had fallen off the horse. They used e-stim on my left leg but I think you need a lot of zaps for it to do much good. Because I went in on a Friday and they don’t do much over the weekend, I only had 7 days of therapy and some was occupational and speech which I felt I didn’t need. My gait isn’t much different; I came home last Wednesday. Most of the PT was done on raised mats which I do not have at home and I can’t lie on the floor because I can’t get up. Yesterday I tried a group of exercises on a pretty firm mattress in my guest room and today my back really hurts which is probably why. My first outpatient appt is next Tuesday, so I will see what they have to say. I am not taking many pain meds on purpose so my mind is clearer.
     
    I feel one thing that started my downward spiral is Oct was the 2nd anniversary of Jerry’s death and I really fell into depression; I think the first year was all shock and acceptance. I tried in-home PT from Bayada but felt it didn’t work at the time. In retrospect it was probably better than I realized. Today I went back to the Bayada exercises because I can do them standing or sitting. I know I cannot stop; I didn’t even know how to write this blog. So, it’s time to “come clean”; I am not good at exercise and it sure shows. The first 3 years were great and with so much progress I got spoiled. Then 3 falls later I fell off the horse.
    I hope everyone has a great Thanksgiving; I am not allowing myself to beat myself up but will continue to take it a day at a time. I think of you all a lot even though I’ve been absent from the boards. Fondly, Leah 
  4. AZ Leah

    Off to Rehab Again

    By AZ Leah,

    Hi All: Due to the decline in my stroke recovery process, the social worker said I needed in-house physical rehab badly. She needed an evaluation from my PT caregiver and Bayada and a script from my doctor. She was surprised I had gone down this much without the doctor sending me before. I've been begging and literally crying to no avail. So i most likely will change drs when I get out. I should be out in 2 weeks, hopefully a lot stronger. I have been praying for a change and hopefully this is it and it works. I think the rehab center has a computer room so hopefully you can email me and I can post my progress. I am going to do my best to be strong. I think this is my last chance. So, say some prayers for me please and I'll do the same for those of your who need them. Fondly, Leah
  5. AZ Leah

    Overdue blog from Leah

    By AZ Leah,

    Instead of making my life easier, it seems I have unknowingly made it more complicated. One thing which contributed to this is by joining Facebook. Now I have Facebook, StrokeNet and email and I can’t handle what I already have. The numbers of people who appear on my Facebook page come from blood relatives and their husbands and children and grandchildren, friends I used to work with, those I know from years ago, my ex-husband’s daughters and grandchildren and Strokenet members. Many who post I don’t know as they are friends of friends of friends etc!. I never did figure out how to set all the preferences of Facebook so I get posts which I have no interest in and many emails saying someone (I don’t know) has posted a comment on my page. StrokeNet and email is easier for me to handle. Therefore, I am resigning from Facebook and hope it helps me manage my time better. I originally went on Facebook because my younger sister had posted pictures of her son’s wedding which I wanted to see. I have enjoyed some of the pictures posted by my relatives but other relatives like my older sister and her large families aren’t on it. So if you don’t see me that it why.
     
    Now on to blogging, I really don’t have much to write about. I figure you all get tired of my same problems – chronic fatigue and neuropathy. I was hoping as time went on (it’s now been 7 years) I would get better, but instead I have gotten worse. With my fatigue worse I don’t go to my PT as much and I only have a few things I do and a few people I see and/or talk with. Life just goes along. I miss Jerry immensely but the type of grieving is more in meditation and reflection. I think God is saving up all my tears.
     
    One thing I am adimant about is I will not give up and I try to get to at least one PT session a week. I am interested in other blogs and learn from the many uplifting ones and how others are dealing with their “problems”. I believe in a positive attitude and I believe that is what has gotten me to travel this far. Our weather has been very hot this summer and I miss planting. Our regular landscaper does the heavy trimming, fertilizing and pre-emergence but doesn’t plant flowers in our entryway or in pots or our back screened porch. For next year I am thinking of finding someone (I have an idea of a lady that words in a nursery near us) and she loves flowers. I think she might be up to doing this type of job. My caregivers don’t do this (although they do water pots that are planted) and I think they would water new ones put in... They do let me know if things look dry. I can see this is a disadvantage of living in my house, although the pros overweigh and cons. Most of our backyard (all on drip) comes back by themselves after our frosts are over with.
     
    This is taking care of Leah week. Sunday I showered and had the base color done on my hair, worked out today and tomorrow having a long-overdue manicure. I love my manicurist so that will be a nice talking session too.
     
    I hope all is well with everyone. I have found a new cream for the neuropathy on my heels and lower legs. It is called “Topricin”. I got it on line but Walgreens and CVS is supposed to have it. After only 2 days I can feel a difference YEH. My rheumatologist also switched my osteoporosis med. from a once a week pill to Prolia which is administered by two shots a year. This is relatively new and I will like the fact that I have to take a pill Sunday morning then wait an hour before drinking anything except water or eating. I’ve been doing a lot of reading and knitting – lots of lap blankets which the assisted living facility around corner really appreciate. If I hear of new I will make sure to let you all know. Til later and prays to all survivors to get better, Leah
  6. AZ Leah
    Hi all: A few weeks ago Ria emailed me asking where I had been; she hadn’t seen me in chat nor had she read a blog.I’ve been meaning to do another blog; I try to do them every 2 months and my last one was a little over 2 months.
    Re chat, no, I haven’t been to chat in a while and I feel bad about that because it was fun and it was good for me when I was a new stroke survivor. Two years ago this month two things happened that changed me. My husband was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer and it had metastasized all over the upper part of his body including his brain. He was in “good spirits”, aka denial and sincerely thought he was going to beat it with chemo, etc. He was very strong; worked out 5-6 days/week and had an excellent diet. Well he left the denial stage 3 days before he died (skipped right to acceptance) and went to our Lord October 23, 2011. In April when he was diagnosed I feel and ended up with a compounded fracture of L-1 vertebrae. They didn’t try to fuse it but I wore a brace for 6 months. This wasn’t easy, of course, while dealing with Jerry’s death and I went into pretty severe depression. Being that I couldn’t work out for those 6 months, I also went “backwards” and got weaker. My schedule hasn’t been very conducive to going into chat
    Thank God I have a long-term care policy and so I have a caregiver 7 days a week for 6-1/2 hours/day. I can do quite a bit but I don’t drive anymore and I have chronic fatigue, no motivation or energy. I do get out for short work-outs with my trainer who I’ve known for years and Jerry trained with her too. I get my hair done as I can’t reach the back of my head and I wouldn’t want the caregivers to style it. Most people have stopped calling so it’s up to me. My 2 sister both came in March and spent a week with me and then my niece and her husband and 2 kids came last month for a brief visit. My back still bothers me but nothing can be done now. I try to focus on what I CAN do not what I CAN'T.
     
    My niece, her husband and 2 kids came last month and we had a great, although short visit. I hadn’t seen her since my stroke and I hadn’ met her husband or his son. I've included a picture of the 4 of us. I have been VERY close with my niece since she was born but now they live in Ohio with no intentions of moving here and I don't travel any more due to many complications.
     
    I’m going to count this as a blog!! I went to the reunion chat a couple weeks ago and will try at least 2x/month. I’ve called Kimmie a couple of times which has been good for both of us. Have you heard from Kathy Saul? I read most of the newsletters and noticed an article from her but didn’t contact her. Anyway, thank you again, for reaching out. I know a lot of people have it much worse than me; I think what really did it was my husband’s death plus I haven’t been the same since my 2 last falls. The first 3 ½ years of my stroke I constantly got better; that’s when I was driving. The last 3 ½ years haven’t been that good. I know all the right things to say but my brain is kinda stuck right now. More Later. And I pray for chat this Wed.
  7. AZ Leah
    Hi Everyone:
    I think the blog part of my brain is broke because I just can’t seem to get it going! Not much has been going on except when my sisters came. I posted a picture of the 3 of us in my gallery – none of us look alike. The one on my right (Sonnie) is my half-sister who is 75 and lives in Michigan. She sure looks good and hasn’t had any surgery except a knee replacement. The one on my left (Gayle) is 6 years younger than me, making her 63 and lives in Indiana. Between the 2 they have 8 children and about 30 grandchildren and great-grandchildren and they don’t get tired talking about them!!. We talked and talked, watched some movies and they cooked for me and pampered me.
     
    We also picked out things in the house that they wanted so I can put them in my will.
    This will make it easier for my executor who lives in Tucson since my sisters don’t When I wore down, I napped (there was a lot of that). I thought I would cry when they left, but after 7 ½ days I was actually glad to get back to my own quiet schedule. My caregivers were here all the time Sonnie and Gayle were so they reminded me when I needed to lay down.
     
    My sisters are a lot different but one thing we all have in common is our love for one another and talking so there wasn’t a dull moment. My brother Gary lives in Tucson and is married to a Mexican-Indian. They cooked dinner and brought it over one night – tamales, chicken and beef enchiladas, rice, and beans – of course, everything made from scratch. My niece Sabrina who also lives with them came too with her two boys (ages 3 and 6 months) (see gallery photo). My brother is a good story teller and has a great memory for the past so we did a lot of remembering, a lot of things us girls had forgotten. The kids were really good. But when it was time to go home, it was definitely time for me to go to bed. Whew – what a hectic, noisy day. This was the first time we were all together since my stroke (almost 7 yrs) and I was in a coma so I didn’t see them. My sisters and brother were together when my nephew got married 2 years ago but I didn’t go. There is 12 years between the oldest and youngest sibling so some stories the Gayle hadn’t heard and some Sonnie hadn’t heard because she married young and left the house. All in all it was a great visit. I just wish we lived closer together so we could get together more often. I will try to make that happen. I may not be able to travel to them but I can arrange for them to travel here.
     
    I didn’t work out while they were but started the week after they left. April and May have a lot of appointments for me – accountant (taxes done –yeah), lawyer (finish signing the new trust docs), 2 dentists and eye doctor. I saw my rheumatologist last month. It wears me out with 2 work-outs and another appt so I only do one of those a week.
     
    Jerry’s sister, niece and great-niece came for a short visit last week which was nice. They were here for Jerry’s mom’s 101th birthday and they were staying with her about 25 miles south of my house. Our weather has been good for everyone and the flowers are finally blooming. I miss gardening but luckily have a lot of flowering plants in the backyard that come back every year. I can get someone to buy and plant flowers for me but the maintenance is too much and I can’t expect my caregivers to do any more than they already do.
     
    Last week I had 3-day flu (?) so missed Mon. work out and spent a lot of time resting. I was able to go on Thursday. I am tired today and hope it isn’t coming back; I need even more rest than I used to so I try hard to listen to my body and don’t push those thoughts away from my mind. Well, I finally blogged and got some thoughts down. I do not feel I am getting better but my work-outs keep me from getting worse – mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically – so that is all good.
    Cherio for now my fellow stroke survivors. Leah
  8. AZ Leah
    Hi All: It’s a good thing I blogged last week about what I like about myself because there has been a lot of fix-it up jobs needed on the house (meaning $$$$) and I’ve been able to go with the flow because of a pretty positive attitude. The old “Me” would rant and rave and say “ok, what is going to go wrong next” but this time I held my cool. I had to have our screen porch (900 sq.ft) patched and recoated and I had to buy a new toilet for the master bath because it wasn’t worth having all the innards replaced (those sure aren’t inexpensive these days with all the parts that go with them plus installation cost). I disconnected our water softener since I found our through an “audit” from the water company that a valve was stuck which meant water was running through it like a sieve. Now the bill is down where is should be and I’ve save a bunch of money that way. Also most of the work I’ve had done I’ve been using the same company and I’ve known the owner for 10 years or so and he knows my condition so he will be very fair.
     
    I’ve been planning to have my ceramic tile floor and grout pressure steamed and sealed and also the carpet cleaned. A great guy was recommended to me by my trainer and after fussing and fretting of how to do the whole house, I decided it smart to do it in two stages so we would have some place to go while the cleaning was being done with the one part.. I had the ceramic done (900 sq ft also) and he did a fantastic job (looks like new) and his price was more than fair. I’m going to schedule the carpet shortly before my sisters come.
     
    Did I mention…My sisters, one from Michigan (Sonnie age 72) and one from Indiana (Gayle age 63) are coming March 11 – March 19. Tickets are purchased and a friend who has met both of them when I had my stroke is picking them up at the airport. They arrive only an hour apart around noon so that is real convenient. I don’t know who is more anxious – them or me!! Of course, I have things going around in my head but I am just going to have some snacks ready for when them arrive around 1:00 and then an easy dinner. They told me they will take charge from there and when I need to nap I don’t have to worry about just doing it. My older sister will probably make some dinners I’ve been missing like a good mid-west pot roast with potatoes, carrots and gravy. My younger sister will be her helper and keep her company. They haven’t seen a lot of each other either so I know they will have lots to talk about. No problem with the bed situation and I’ve already cleared out a couple drawers and ½ of a closet for them to use.
     
    I talk to each of them at least once a week and they talk to each other too. I need to figure out how to do 3-way calling since I’ve always been the tech one of us three. Last week I thought I had so much more energy that I did too much and paid for it this weekend. I’ve rested up for my PT tomorrow and have promised me and my caregivers I will not overdo – I pay too much for it in the long-run. I told them they need to put a halt on me if we are in the car and I want to stop for another errand.
    Boy I sure learn the hard way. Sound familiar? Till later…Leah
  9. AZ Leah
    I used to be good at multi-tasking and keeping “hundreds” of things in my head at the same time and not forgetting them. Well, needless to say, I’m not that good since my stroke; I can get confused easily or not remember. Also have a problem with too much going on at one time like Thursday which was supposed to be my 2nd PT day of the week. I didn’t plan very well because my cleaning girl was here running from room to room and taking the vacuum with here , the cable guy was here because my TV would go back on and I couldn’t remember the steps to set it up again. And then he was talking too fast for me to write down how to fix it. So I had to have him repeat it and then I wrote it down and then re-wrote it after he left so I would understand it. My caregiver was also here (who was not the cause of any problem) but too much going on at the same time.
    Anyway, I soon realized I was just too tired to go to PT so I guiltily called and canceled. She understood but said “can you give me a longer notice the next time” (it was an hour before). Then I really put a guilt trip on my head and was beating myself up thinking but I probably really could have, etc. Well, I went back to bed and felt better when I got up. Later I told myself I should blog about this to share with others as I doubt I’m not the only one who has these things happen.
     
    So here I am… I remembered reading Asha’s blog a couple weeks ago after she beat herself up and then wrote “10 things I like about myself”. She was following in Jamie’s footsteps, so now I’m following in both of theirs. Here are my 10 (turned out to be 12):

    I am considerate and kind and have empathy.
    I am spiritual and look to God for strength; I read daily to improve my connection with my spirit.
    I think about and pray for others.
    I try to have a positive attitude to take away sadness on my gray days.
    I continue to exercise so I won’t lose any strength I still have.
    I am grateful for what I have and can do and do not focus on what the stroke has taken from me.
    My brain still works well, even using the computer and doing finances,In spite of my stroke.
    I am truthful.
    I am courteous to others and say thank you.
    I am giving, of my heart and donations to organization for those in need.
    After Jerry’s death in October 2006 I have managed to deal with grief positively by being grateful for 27 years together and am grateful I am able to manage the household without his help and don’t cry as much now.
    I was a very loving and good wife and did not have anything left unsaid whenJerry passed away…truly a blessing

    Next workout is Monday at 1:00 and I WILL GO. I remembered I just cannot schedule more than one thing in a day so some-thing is coming up in a couple weeks that I am going to change. i.e. don’t try to work out AND go to the doctor!
    Hugs, Leah
  10. AZ Leah

    God's Thoughts

    By AZ Leah,

    LORD you have done such great things! How deep are your thoughts! Psalm 92:5
    God’s thoughts are not our thoughts, nor are they even like ours. We aren’t even in the same neighborhood. We’re thinking, Preserve the body; He’s thinking, Save the soul. We dream of a pay raise. He dreams of raising the dead. We avoid pain and seek peace. God uses pain to bring peace. We avoid pain and seek peace. God uses pain to bring peace. “I’m going to live before I die,” we resolve. “Die, so you can live,” he instructs. We love what rusts. He loves what endures. We rejoice at our successes. He rejoices at our confessions. We show our children the Nike star with the million-dollar smile and say, “Be like Mike.” God points to the crucified carpenter with bloody lips and a torn side and says, “Be like Christ.”
    from The Great House of God - Max Lucado
     
    Yes, God is Good - Leah
  11. AZ Leah
    I want to blog once more before Christmas. I have a problem with procrastination and this is going to be very short. I’ve said this many times before but due to my fatigue I only have so many hours in a day which I can be productive.
     
    Can’t believe 2012 is almost over. This is the second xmas since Jerry’s death and I must say it is much easier than last year, as it was only 3 months then. So with good intentions, I want to wish everyone Happy Holidays no matter what religion you practice or if you don’t. I feel everyone has their own understanding of a God in their life even if it is the great spirit of the sky. So let’s make it a point to love and be kind to everyone. Sometimes that is the best we can do in any given day and I’ve learned that is good enough.
    Peace and hugs to all of you, Leah
  12. AZ Leah

    The Times in our Lives

    By AZ Leah,

    There are fimes in our lives whe the world seems to shift. We value, in one clear instant, bhe blessing of das we once though of as ordinary - and we suddenly know that what most truly enriches us are the friends we love, who love us in return. I will be forever grateful for those loved ones. Leah
  13. AZ Leah
    I can’t believe how much has happened since I last blogged. All in all, I think in retrospect I’ve made quite a bit of progress and a lot of positive and some not-so-positive decisions. The photo is me and my one week old great-nephew (Roman) taken a month ago. The new keep up with those we miss.
     
    I wanted to blog to give you some indication for my absence of late from this site, so this will be rather lengthy and some of you may not mind. On October 23, 2011, as most of you know, my life fell apart worse than when I had my stroke when my husband Jerry of 27 years died of lung cancer. It had only been diagnosed 3 mo, 2wk (stage 4) prior and I had fallen that week and was in the hospital with a compressed fracture of L1 and in a brace when I found out. Besides my personal pain, I obviously suffered from shock, grief, fear and agony from the anticipated loss of my primary caregiver since my stroke in 2006. I had a miraculous recovery and independence until 2010 when I fell and punctured a lung and then again in 2011 when I "broke" my back and now needed a lot of care again. The brace made it so I could hardly move.
     
    After Jerry’s memorial service, for which I had a lot of help from friends, I was almost paralyzed with confusion and needed guidance of what steps to take next to get through everything. I can only say that with God’s help and Jerry’s spirit I was able to accomplish more than I thought would be possible. Since we had no children, it might have been easier in one respect but I had a lot work to do, as I had to appoint new trustee and co-trustees and so the amount of paperwork wasn’t decreased. Besides confusion I have also suffered from lack of motivation, enthusiasm, severe chronic fatigue, depression, social anxiety and fear of the unknown. I started thinking "am I really forgetting what is told to me or is it the other person who thinks they told me so they are really who is distracted or who forgot."
     
    A lot of the friends I thought I had slowly have “disappeared” but the ones that stayed with me have been a God-send. I have many old friends (some from junior high days) who I talk with or email and they have helped along with a local stroke support group when I can make it and this on-line stroke website. I have stayed away from social media sites – just too much. I have prayed and meditated daily. I have a wonderful daily meditation book on grief and I quote one sentence: “Judge no one who has not been in his shoes. Only from within me can my timetable of grief be discovered." I feel I have dealt well with the degree of grief I have gone through. I attribute this to God through readings for my survival, emotionally, physically and mentally. All of these readings have been passed on by other spiritual people, thus the channel from my Higher Power. I also have a long-term care policy that I feel He was responsible for and so have had wonderful caring needed daily caregivers from about 9:00 to 4:30. I’ve been able to manage my nights due to exercise I commenced as soon as I could have the brace removed. I have continued with physical therapy both at a site and at home since then and walk with a walker or cane.
     
    It will be a year this Tuesday, October 23, since Jerry's death, nd 4 friends are meeting for a lunch near my home. These ladies have all been through a lot, 2 are widows also, one very recent and the other is still grieving a separation of a long relationship plus the death of her father. This gathering will bring us together and honor our loved ones and give gratitude for the time they were in our lives. We all knew each other, in fact one of the ladies and one of the husbands used o unselfishly drive Jerry to his chemo sessions.
     
    We (I think I will always say “we” meaning Jerry and I”) have two cats. Petey had been a mutual loving and caring cat with Jerry. Gigi usually stayed away from that relationship and stayed with me knowing I needed healing attention.
     
    Oddly enough, Petey has stayed away from his normal places in our home and bed. But in the last week, he has stayed next to me on the sofa when watching TV and sleeping with me at night. Gigi has stayed out of our way (usually under the bed). I believe that animals, being very instinctive, Petey has known it’s almost a year and the Lord and Jerry will see God’s will and progress will be made. I feel Jerry’s presence in every room of the house and I feel after Tuesday he will still be here but I will be able to start afresh. Just this week I have returned to our club and will work out with the physical trainer both of us worked with for 14 years.. I don’t think I have made much physical progress in the last 8 months and now it is time to move on. I hope this also pertains to the physical fatigue I have had which will make it possible to enlarge my world as a whole – strength, church, friends, social events, independence, and many more.
     
    This week begins for me what I hope is a new beginning. Today is the first day of the rest of my life, with Jerry and the wonderful thoughts and memories never left behind. Love to all stroke survivors and family, Leah
  14. AZ Leah

    JURY DUTY

    By AZ Leah,

    A short entry, as promised. I received a card today from the County. I RECEIVED A FOREVER MEDICAL EXCUSE FROM JURY DUTY. YEAH, HE PAPERWORK FINALLY PAID OFF..
     
    Hope I'll have another short positive note soon. Leah
  15. AZ Leah
    Hi everyone:
    Tomorrow is the 6th anniversary of my brainstem stroke. A friend of mine’s husband died last week and it opened up my grieving both for my stroke and for Jerry’s death and other issues I haven’t closed or finished since he died in Oct. For years, there were 6 girlfriends who got together every Tues. for lunch. We also used to get together with our spouses on N. Y. eve to go out for a nice dinner. One of the girl’s husbands died about 10 years ago, another died 3 ½ years ago, Jerry died last Oct. and now Mike just passed. Emotionally, I was a wreck over the weekend and needed time to process all of it.
     
    I still have some of Jerry’s clothes to give away (amazingly that is mostly done). When I had my stroke, Jerry was at a loss of what to do since I took care of all finances, so I put together a notebook with names, phone numbers and instructions, from insurance, doctors, bills to pay, our attorney, accountant and financial contacts. After Jerry died, I realized this needed changed for only information. I still have to complete it and also need to update my will and personal representative because it had been Jerry’s sister. It’s hard for me because my two sisters live in MI and KY. I have a close friend her but I need to set up some suggestions for her like who would handle an estate sale in case of death, etc. I hate addressing all that.
     
    On a positive note, I had filed for widow’s benefit from social security but still needed to obtain some paperwork. It took 5 months to get it all but I finally did and mailed it off yesterday. It will be worth the work because it will give me some additional income. On top of all this, I got called for jury duty!! They sent back my medical excuse signed by my licensed caregiver but sent it back to me saying it needed signed by an M.D. Today I had an appt with my neurologist and he signed and faxed the form so I should now be off the hook.
    I hope I won’t have any more surprises ahead of me. Last week after my pulmonologist appt my caregiver and I went and ordered a new recliner for the living room. The cat did a job the last few years using it as a scratching post. I need to do the same eventually with the family room sofa and love seat in the bedroom.
    After my appt today, we went to another furniture store to look at sizes and colors. The quality is pretty good and the prices are excellent. Right now they are having a sale but I wasn’t ready to order.
     
    I’ve still been working out 2x/week and usually have a dr. appt once a week too although I think after today I’ll be pretty caught up. There are times I want to quit but know I can’t. I miss Jerry SO much and life just isn’t fun any more even though my caregivers are very nice. But I don’t want to go anywhere..It’s too hard. I’m still knitting and reading and praying daily to get my spirits up. I better stop before I cry all over my keyboard. So I better post it now.
    Hugs and thoughts to all, Leah :thumbsu:
  16. AZ Leah

    A Busy Week

    By AZ Leah,

    Hi All: I've had something going every day this week. I guess that is progress since I could not have done this even a few months ago. I had workouts with my physical trainer on Mon & Wed which included the recumbent bike and 2-3# hand weights, machines and other leg lift exercises. I'm up to 12 min. on the recumbent bike; a few months ago my limit was 5 min!! Yesterday my caregiver drove me to the podiatrist for my big toe that has had a fungus. The last podiatrist didn't do it correctly and so it came back still with a fungus. This doctor was great. He took the whole toenail off (ouch). I'm to soak it 2x/day in epsom salt water and then recover with neosporin and a special band-aid he provided. I have a follow-up in 10 days. Today I went and had my hair washed and blown dry. So I now have a couple days to rest up. Our weather has been HOT and sometimes very windy.
     
    A friend of mine has a daughter who had an anuerysm in her brain which bled and she is in a drug induced coma like I was. I was able to lend my support and help to her family because of my miracle of surviving a brainstem stroke. I sent out an email to those in my address book who knew my friend and called for prayers. I am getting an idea of what God's will is for me and felt good I could pass on my hope for them. Nicole is only 30, is married and has a 2 week old baby and a 2 year old son. I do hope and pray God has a miracle in store for her. It brought back a lot of memories and again I visited my gratitude for all that has been given to me. Happy Memorial Day.
    Hugs, Leah :mom:
  17. AZ Leah
    May 17, 2012
    It’s time for me to stop procrastinating and start this blog; it’s been too long. I finished my out-patient PT a couple weeks ago and now am working out with the trainer Jerry I worked with for so long. I see her 2x/week and usually need the day after to recuperate and do things like paperwork and other fun stuff! Usually I have a doctor appt of some sort once a week too. So it doesn’t sound like much but with chronic fatigue, it’s a lot. People are always asking me to join a club, go out for lunch or ?? Most don’t understand what real fatigue if. Besides my primary care I have a neurologist, pulmonologist, rheumatologist, once in a while a therapist and next week have to see a podiatrist. Before my stroke I only saw one specialist. I realize that surviving a stroke is more than most people could handle and some days I wish God hadn’t picked me, especially after my one and only moved to the heavenly mansion in the sky. Jerry knows I want to be with him but God is in charge.
    At least I have come through some big-time acceptance issues.
     
    I recently came to the realization that after Jerry passed away last October there is so much more I am now responsible for. There has been so much paperwork and it just keeps coming. First it was papers relating to his death, selling a car, then recently I started getting bills from the healthcare company which hadn’t been processed and I ended up owing a lot more than I thought I would. They were not very good about explaining things to me when I was shock-laden with grief and still in pain and in the brace from the last fall. I’ve have found over $1,700 of error on their part but it took me hours to go through weeks of bills from the caregivers. My long-term care insurance (again, I say thank you God) is doing their job and I don’t have any overage now. I have a caregiver 7 days a week, 8 hours a day and I am SO grateful and blessed.
     
    I’m glad I didn’t know everything right away. As a disabled widow I am now head of household (I am thankful to have one) but that means, contacting our landscaper, the pool guy, getting the car serviced, calling a handyman for little things. I had a pest control man come out for a one time spray (Jerry used to do it) after my caregiver found a scorpion in my office. We haven’t had hardly any rain but it’s been real windy. The roof isn’t leaking thank goodness but now I have to pay to have the screened porch cleaned. Just last month I finally got all the legal work done. Wow, it was supposed to be so simple and I had to pay more than Jerry or I ever dreamed it would be because of the way we set things up. But that’s a onetime deal and I didn’t have to pay any death taxes. I was surprised that you cannot write funeral costs off your income taxes..Not fair. They get you when you are alive; you would think you might get a break when you die!
     
    I am getting stronger but have a way to go. The neuropathy in my feet has come back. I tried gabapentin but it made me so sleepy I couldn’t do anything. So now I take one gabapentin about 7:00 at night and it allows me to sleep better and it wears off in the morning. I also have started to soak my feet in vinegar water which was suggested by one of my caregivers. I’ll try anything. I slowly figured out I was reading in my spare time and playing computer games as an escape to face my grief. I’ve basically isolated, watch movies at home, etc. which my therapist says is just fine as long as I don’t mind it which I don’t. It takes so much energy to get ready and get to wherever and I don’t care about going out to eat. Been there, done that !! I certainly don’t like going shopping anymore. I have my favorite internet sites for buying anything I need or want to gift. I can’t walk far with my cane or walk far with my walker.
     
    I read spiritual books and readings and meditations daily. Starting on a good foot helps me and strengthens my attitude and frame of mind. I refuse to get on a pity-pot. I only cry on occasion now and at sometimes “strange” times – that is what grieving for me is all about. I have pictures of Jerry in every room and I talk to him and look at he and me together and just him with smiles galore. Boy, we had some wonderful times and I am fortunate to have had Jerry for 27 great years. Well, I best end this – it’s too long already. I’ll try to post more frequent so there will be some short ones on occasion and some better news from time to time. Hugs to all, Leah
  18. AZ Leah

    I'M STILLL HERE

    By AZ Leah,

    Hi all: Happy Easter, Passover or whatever Holiday you celebrate. I plan to write a complete blog. My out-patient PT ends April 19 and then I will start 2x/week at my club where Jerry and I both worked out. For now I want to show you what I've been doing to stay sane. It's a baby blanket I knit for my best friend's first grandchild Corbin. I've known Marilyn for over 40 years; she lives in California. Corbin's mom is Marilyn's oldest (her second is my godchild) and we were going to attend her wedding but I went into my stroke coma that date. That event plus missing Jerry's birthday were the saddest for me besides the coma and stroke itself. Moe Later. Happy Holidays and Love and peace to you all.. Leah
  19. AZ Leah
    Now that I’ve made it through Valentine’s Day as a newly widowed stroke survivor, I feel it is time to face the music and blog about my woes. I don’t know how so many events can happen in such a short time and how one is to digest, comprehend and try to accept all of it. If I didn’t have long-term care insurance (thank you God) I think I would be in a nut house. For those new to my blog, I fell in July 2011 and was in hospital with a compressed fracture of L-1 the same week I learned my husband had stage 4 lung cancer. Jerry only lived for 3 ½ months more and passed away October 23. I’m now in out-patient PT working mainly on balance and my gait (left over from my stroke 6 years ago). I am still confused a lot of what to do when, so I take it one day at a time and do what is in front of me exactly at that moment. There has been so much to do as the after-math of his death; when one thing is accomplished, another comes my way. My friends and therapist tell me I’ve done amazingly well. I was even able to sell his sports car last week to the used car division of BMW and they came right to me after I called. I didn't get as much as I thought but the serenity of knowing it's done and I don't have to worry about someone coming around to the house to see it which could be dangerous for me. My therapist also keeps reminding me that grief takes many forms, one of them being fatigue which I sure have. She said to keep the word “should” out of my vocabulary and do what I am capable of. My caregivers and a few friends have helped immensely but I give the credit to God to have given me the strength I’ve needed and I’ll continue to pray for Him to give me what I need and to make the right decisions. I’m not making any big changes and hope I can continue to stay in my home.
     
    I have a caregiver 8 hours a day thru my l/t care insurance who does the things I cannot do or need help with like bathing and watching me for safety (an A LOT more including grocery shopping, taking out the garbage and getting the mail). I had help before with cleaning and washing clothes (a friend helped) but Jerry did so much. Of course I miss his love and hugs and encouragement the most.
     
    My PT will last for at least another month (2x/week) and I have home exercises I do. I know I can’t quit but I’m not sure where I’m going to go next. The club where I used to work out is so expensive I am thinking of canceling my membership but it might be good for an interim place as I know a lot of people there plus the trainer who Jerry and I both used. I also have a Silver Sneakers membership and my caregiver can drive me to a fitness club not too far from home. So many new challenges and changes have entered my life but my past experience tells me prayer, gratitude and a positive attitude is what will help me the most. A lot is going to depend upon how long my long-term care insurance will carry me. I have a very good plan which is unlimited. Right now I still need help but once I can drive I’m afraid they will cut me off. That would make a world of difference for me. But I refuse to project about things I cannot control. The serenity prayer is a good reminder for that and I recite it daily. Hugs to all, Leah
  20. AZ Leah

    The Calm Before the Storm

    By AZ Leah,

    I have been (and still am) so grateful for the peace and calm I have been in recently especially in view of Jerry's death 2 months ago. Well yesterday, Dec. 26 and today I hit a wave of terrible grief. I figured it would happen and so I wasn't but yet was surprised but I sure didn't like it. I know people grieve in different ways and in their own time and can't project when such emotions will hit them. I think I was SO busy doing, doing & more doing that I stuffed my emotions, although I didn't really think I was doing that. I will continue to pray and try to get in more exercise and remember I can say NO when people want me to go out. I am going to a friend's house on New Year's Day, however. There will only be 6 people there and I'm being picked up. I know them well enough that if I want to go home, they will honor however I feel. Tomorrow is another day. God bless you all, Leah
  21. AZ Leah
    I can’t believe it’s been 2 months yesterday since Jerry passed away. When Jerry died my mind was so confused that I couldn’t even sort out what to do and I prayed that someday I could talk without crying. I thought I might even end up in a psyche ward; I know it is only natural to have been overwhelmed and overwrought. However, now I feel I have been given another miracle as I am absolutely amazed at how calm and peaceful I feel right now. I think of Jerry of how he was and not how he was when he passed. Every morning and night I pray for God’s guidance and for Jerry’s spirit to help me know to do next and when to wait and the courage to make it through the day. It certainly isn’t due to anything I have personally done so I know it is God’s grace.
     
    A few weeks ago I had my hair washed and the stylist asked about Christmas and I started crying. The next day I sitting in my living room looking at the table where I always set up the nativity set. A thought came to me that at least I could have my caregiver set it up because it was God who saved me after my stroke and the same God who allowed Jerry to die without pain. After it was set up a sense of peace and calm came over me and I had my boxes with Christmas ornaments and lights brought into the house. My niece who just moved into a house with her 2 year old and the father of her baby came over and I gave most everything to her. I went through boxes rather rapidly to pull out a few things I wanted to keep that Jerry and I had bought on trips. I was calm and didn’t cry as I did this chore which before then I couldn’t bear to face.
     
    I also have pondered the turns my life has taken and am grateful for everything in my life I was able to accomplish and places Jerry and I went before my stroke. I. I do believe in divine providence and I believe everything that has happened has been for an unknown reason. I do not try to analyze or say “why” anymore but take things as they come. Of course, my type A personality has been hard to control since my stroke. Whatever comes across my path I think I should (I hate that word) do NOW. But, I have learned to set boundaries and pray that when the right time comes that I get some sort of sign. I have learned that NO is a complete sentence and I have had to evoke that recently because I don’t need anyone new in my life right now. Due to my limitations and fatigue, I find it very difficult if not almost impossible to just keep up with family and old friends. I have received some cards addressed to Mr. and Mrs. from people who don’t know Jerry died, some of which we hadn’t seen or talked to for 30-40 years. I made a folder of things to look at after January 1 and it’s getting fairly full. I did call one of Jerry’s cousins he hadn’t seen since he was a boy to tell him of Jerry’s passing. I had a nice conversation with both he and his wife and I am sending the obituary, eulogy and picture of Jerry, his mother (then 97, now 99) and myself.
     
    Tomorrow a friend who has been with me through thick and thin is coming over and neither of us will be alone. She is bringing Chinese food and we’re going to watch movies. On a medical note, I finally am out of my brace and I saw my neurologist last week and had an x-ray taken. After he looks at it he’ll order a MRI only if the x-ray is questionable. I also have my first out-patient neuro PT on January 12; so I feel I am on my way back to better balance, strength, health and driving!!
     
    I’m looking forward to a new “normal” when I can join chat on occasion and blog more frequently. I pray for the Strokeboard people every day. I wish everyone a joyous peaceful day and a new year full of hope and recovery.
    Hugs and blessings to you all, Leah
  22. AZ Leah

    A SPARK FROM GOD

    By AZ Leah,

    Just as a candle can help you navigate a dark room,
    one spark of illumination can resolve most of life’s
    unanswered questions and troubles.
     
    For me this spark is GOD. I pray you
    have this same spark in your life. :angel:
     
    With Love and God’s Blessings, Leah
  23. AZ Leah

    GIVE TIME TIME

    By AZ Leah,

    November 23, 2011
     
    It’s been a month this evening since Jerry’s passing. It seems to have moved at a snail’s pace, but, then again, I can see the difference in my strength both physical and emotional. I can thank God for it all; I take no credit except doing what I call the footwork. A week ago I wanted to give up. I don’t know how I made it through the first week, the memorial and the numerous forms, agencies, case workers, etc. They just piled up on each other until I thought I was going nuts. During this time, I was forced to deal with what was put in front of me and let my own recovery take a back seat. All of a sudden the last couple weeks I have worked in some physical therapy, prayed harder to God and asked him to please help me become more positive again and I am now seeing some positive changes. I am stronger and as of last night started staying alone after 6:00pm until 9:30am.
     
    Last week I would have cried if anyone mentioned “thanksgiving”. But now I have a good plan. A close friend who has helped me through the last month is also alone and she is coming over to my house and to spend the day with me. I’ve ordered two Thanksgiving plates from my club that she will pick up and we can eat when we want. We also plan to watch movies.
     
    I’m able to get in and out of bed by myself, dress myself but still need help. I have two dr. appts out of the way and next week I am going to see a therapist to sort out a few things which are running around in my head even though I have shared with a couple of my best friends. One thing I realized is that even though Jerry was a good caregiver, he couldn’t cope with my stroke and everything that has gone with it. Therefore, when I was safe to leave alone, he usually went to our club to work out and also hang out, thus it was his escape. This left me alone a lot. I eventually got used to it and although I miss him immensely, my loneliness has been not that bad (at least for now).
     
    I want to post this today so will write more later. I’m still trying to do too much in a day and get more tired than if I would rest in between chores. But at least I have made progress. More later. Happy Thanksgiving to everyone. Hugs, Leah
  24. AZ Leah

    GOD GRANT ME SERENITY

    By AZ Leah,

    Dear fellow stroke survivors and caregivers. My caregiver, my beloved Jerry, passed October 23, 2011 at 8:30 pm. He was without pain and was ready to meet his Maker. I believe God led me to purchase long-term care insurance back in 1997 and they provided for Jerry and I will continue to have it until I get my strength independence back. On Jerry's deathbed, I promised I would work hard; I have a long way to go. I have a lot of friends and caregivers to help me in my continued Jerry. The passing of my best friend, lover, caregiver and soul-mate of 27 years has been devastating. He was determined and brave and felt he would beat the lung cancer diagnosed only 4 months ago. It was not to be. God is in charge and God and now Jerry's spirit will go on to give me the strength, courage and wisdom I need to get back. I want to drive again and have hope and faith. The memorial is tomorrow and after I have grieved a little while longer I hope to start joining chat more often. I have not forsaken StrokeNet through my recent sadness and trials. Love, Leah
  25. AZ Leah
    It’s been a while since I posted. The day-to-day physical and emotional confusion and people in and out have robbed me of my strength. On Wed. Oct. 26, Jerry had his last session with the oncologist who told him he cannot handle any any more chemo; he is not strong enough and too weak to stand any more. Jerry is now in hospice at home with 24 hour care. The pain med was increased yesterday as the pain has spread all over. He can drink yogurt shakes we blend with strawberries, some ensure and sip on water. I am living an hour at a time. He is strong and I am weak but the Lord is the strongest and I know He will take care of my Jerry. I don’t know how I am going to be able to get through this but with the Lord’s help along with care-givers and friends, my heart says I will be able to. I will be glad when I can talk without crying. We have done almost everything together for 27 years.
     
    My prayers go out to everyone in a similar situation. Sue, I don’t know how you have kept up your blog. I just can’t. I apologize to everyone I haven’t responded to personally; everything is just too much for me. And with stroke came exaggerated stress, overload, and the need for more rest than normal. I pray for myself that day by day I can gain some of my strength so I will be once again more independent and once again able to drive. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for you love, understanding and prayers on this journey of Jerry and mine. I will keep in touch.
    Hugs, Leah :crying: