AZ Leah

Thanks for your comments. And, Asha, you are so kind..yes, I was a "looker" when I was younger but didn't realize it! I will try to update more often. Leah

Hi all: A few weeks ago Ria emailed me asking where I had been; she hadn’t seen me in chat nor had she read a blog.I’ve been meaning to do another blog; I try to do them every 2 months and my last one was a little over 2 months. Re chat, no, I haven’t been to chat in a while and I feel bad about that because it was fun and it was good for me when I was a new stroke survivor. Two years ago this month two things happened that changed me. My husband was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer and it had metastasized all over the upper part of his body including his brain. He was in “good spirits”, aka denial and sincerely thought he was going to beat it with chemo, etc. He was very strong; worked out 5-6 days/week and had an excellent diet. Well he left the denial stage 3 days before he died (skipped right to acceptance) and went to our Lord October 23, 2011. In April when he was diagnosed I feel and ended up with a compounded fracture of L-1 vertebrae. They didn’t try to fuse it but I wore a brace for 6 months. This wasn’t easy, of course, while dealing with Jerry’s death and I went into pretty severe depression. Being that I couldn’t work out for those 6 months, I also went “backwards” and got weaker. My schedule hasn’t been very conducive to going into chat Thank God I have a long-term care policy and so I have a caregiver 7 days a week for 6-1/2 hours/day. I can do quite a bit but I don’t drive anymore and I have chronic fatigue, no motivation or energy. I do get out for short work-outs with my trainer who I’ve known for years and Jerry trained with her too. I get my hair done as I can’t reach the back of my head and I wouldn’t want the caregivers to style it. Most people have stopped calling so it’s up to me. My 2 sister both came in March and spent a week with me and then my niece and her husband and 2 kids came last month for a brief visit. My back still bothers me but nothing can be done now. I try to focus on what I CAN do not what I CAN'T. My niece, her husband and 2 kids came last month and we had a great, although short visit. I hadn’t seen her since my stroke and I hadn’ met her husband or his son. I've included a picture of the 4 of us. I have been VERY close with my niece since she was born but now they live in Ohio with no intentions of moving here and I don't travel any more due to many complications. I’m going to count this as a blog!! I went to the reunion chat a couple weeks ago and will try at least 2x/month. I’ve called Kimmie a couple of times which has been good for both of us. Have you heard from Kathy Saul? I read most of the newsletters and noticed an article from her but didn’t contact her. Anyway, thank you again, for reaching out. I know a lot of people have it much worse than me; I think what really did it was my husband’s death plus I haven’t been the same since my 2 last falls. The first 3 ½ years of my stroke I constantly got better; that’s when I was driving. The last 3 ½ years haven’t been that good. I know all the right things to say but my brain is kinda stuck right now. More Later. And I pray for chat this Wed.

Asha: What a beautiful tribute to your husband . I think you highter power was part of the "picking party" because you and your hubby certainly are fit to be together. Most of my family don't live close either and it is hard but love is in the heart and so I know they are always there. Leah

I read this book pre-stroke also and it is full of good common sense which we always need reminded of! Leah

thanks everyone for your comments. it gives me inspiration to keep on going and to do a blog from time to time. Leah

Hi Everyone: I think the blog part of my brain is broke because I just can’t seem to get it going! Not much has been going on except when my sisters came. I posted a picture of the 3 of us in my gallery – none of us look alike. The one on my right (Sonnie) is my half-sister who is 75 and lives in Michigan. She sure looks good and hasn’t had any surgery except a knee replacement. The one on my left (Gayle) is 6 years younger than me, making her 63 and lives in Indiana. Between the 2 they have 8 children and about 30 grandchildren and great-grandchildren and they don’t get tired talking about them!!. We talked and talked, watched some movies and they cooked for me and pampered me. We also picked out things in the house that they wanted so I can put them in my will. This will make it easier for my executor who lives in Tucson since my sisters don’t When I wore down, I napped (there was a lot of that). I thought I would cry when they left, but after 7 ½ days I was actually glad to get back to my own quiet schedule. My caregivers were here all the time Sonnie and Gayle were so they reminded me when I needed to lay down. My sisters are a lot different but one thing we all have in common is our love for one another and talking so there wasn’t a dull moment. My brother Gary lives in Tucson and is married to a Mexican-Indian. They cooked dinner and brought it over one night – tamales, chicken and beef enchiladas, rice, and beans – of course, everything made from scratch. My niece Sabrina who also lives with them came too with her two boys (ages 3 and 6 months) (see gallery photo). My brother is a good story teller and has a great memory for the past so we did a lot of remembering, a lot of things us girls had forgotten. The kids were really good. But when it was time to go home, it was definitely time for me to go to bed. Whew – what a hectic, noisy day. This was the first time we were all together since my stroke (almost 7 yrs) and I was in a coma so I didn’t see them. My sisters and brother were together when my nephew got married 2 years ago but I didn’t go. There is 12 years between the oldest and youngest sibling so some stories the Gayle hadn’t heard and some Sonnie hadn’t heard because she married young and left the house. All in all it was a great visit. I just wish we lived closer together so we could get together more often. I will try to make that happen. I may not be able to travel to them but I can arrange for them to travel here. I didn’t work out while they were but started the week after they left. April and May have a lot of appointments for me – accountant (taxes done –yeah), lawyer (finish signing the new trust docs), 2 dentists and eye doctor. I saw my rheumatologist last month. It wears me out with 2 work-outs and another appt so I only do one of those a week. Jerry’s sister, niece and great-niece came for a short visit last week which was nice. They were here for Jerry’s mom’s 101th birthday and they were staying with her about 25 miles south of my house. Our weather has been good for everyone and the flowers are finally blooming. I miss gardening but luckily have a lot of flowering plants in the backyard that come back every year. I can get someone to buy and plant flowers for me but the maintenance is too much and I can’t expect my caregivers to do any more than they already do. Last week I had 3-day flu (?) so missed Mon. work out and spent a lot of time resting. I was able to go on Thursday. I am tired today and hope it isn’t coming back; I need even more rest than I used to so I try hard to listen to my body and don’t push those thoughts away from my mind. Well, I finally blogged and got some thoughts down. I do not feel I am getting better but my work-outs keep me from getting worse – mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically – so that is all good. Cherio for now my fellow stroke survivors. Leah

it's hard for me to make changes which good for me. But, thinking it over, I operated about them same for 52 years before my stroke (being a little kid doesn't count) but I didn't subtract those years. Anyhow, you get the jist!!

CONGRATULATONS for finding a place to move to which is more conducive to your needs. I'm fine where I am and glad it is a one story home. I have help where and when I need it even from a neighbor who takes the trash out to the curb. I've toyed with the idea of assisted living but since I am comfortable here, I've put that decision on a back burner. Be careful with every step you take MC...you don't want any kind of set-back as you go forward. Leah

Dear Kim: It sounds as though Chris received the send-off he deserved for his patriotism and courage. We don't know why things happen...so many disasters in recent months. I pray for you family. It sounds like you all have a lot of support, the most of which will come from God. Forgiveness is for us not for the other who did wrong. It doesn't help our spirit to have hate in our heart. There is no greater strength than that which we find within ourselves put there by God and our Holy Spirit. Bless all of you. I know you are strong which must run in your family. Love, Leah

Don't get me wrong; I'm not the one doing the physical cleaning!! I'm just grateful I am the funds to pay to have it done. My sisters and I haven't seen each other since I stroked in 2006 and was in a come and I didn't see them!! They can now really see me. We all can't wait. And I have to pray that I don't cry too much when they leave because I don't know when the next time will be. But left up to me, there will be a next time (I hope Obamacare leaves $ for that or else I will be mad at him and he will hear from me! LOL Hugs, Leah

Hi All: It’s a good thing I blogged last week about what I like about myself because there has been a lot of fix-it up jobs needed on the house (meaning $$$$) and I’ve been able to go with the flow because of a pretty positive attitude. The old “Me” would rant and rave and say “ok, what is going to go wrong next” but this time I held my cool. I had to have our screen porch (900 sq.ft) patched and recoated and I had to buy a new toilet for the master bath because it wasn’t worth having all the innards replaced (those sure aren’t inexpensive these days with all the parts that go with them plus installation cost). I disconnected our water softener since I found our through an “audit” from the water company that a valve was stuck which meant water was running through it like a sieve. Now the bill is down where is should be and I’ve save a bunch of money that way. Also most of the work I’ve had done I’ve been using the same company and I’ve known the owner for 10 years or so and he knows my condition so he will be very fair. I’ve been planning to have my ceramic tile floor and grout pressure steamed and sealed and also the carpet cleaned. A great guy was recommended to me by my trainer and after fussing and fretting of how to do the whole house, I decided it smart to do it in two stages so we would have some place to go while the cleaning was being done with the one part.. I had the ceramic done (900 sq ft also) and he did a fantastic job (looks like new) and his price was more than fair. I’m going to schedule the carpet shortly before my sisters come. Did I mention…My sisters, one from Michigan (Sonnie age 72) and one from Indiana (Gayle age 63) are coming March 11 – March 19. Tickets are purchased and a friend who has met both of them when I had my stroke is picking them up at the airport. They arrive only an hour apart around noon so that is real convenient. I don’t know who is more anxious – them or me!! Of course, I have things going around in my head but I am just going to have some snacks ready for when them arrive around 1:00 and then an easy dinner. They told me they will take charge from there and when I need to nap I don’t have to worry about just doing it. My older sister will probably make some dinners I’ve been missing like a good mid-west pot roast with potatoes, carrots and gravy. My younger sister will be her helper and keep her company. They haven’t seen a lot of each other either so I know they will have lots to talk about. No problem with the bed situation and I’ve already cleared out a couple drawers and ½ of a closet for them to use. I talk to each of them at least once a week and they talk to each other too. I need to figure out how to do 3-way calling since I’ve always been the tech one of us three. Last week I thought I had so much more energy that I did too much and paid for it this weekend. I’ve rested up for my PT tomorrow and have promised me and my caregivers I will not overdo – I pay too much for it in the long-run. I told them they need to put a halt on me if we are in the car and I want to stop for another errand. Boy I sure learn the hard way. Sound familiar? Till later…Leah

Yvonne: don't think too long, you'll never get it done! Start with #1, the next afternoon or day add #2, etc. before you know it, it will be too long!! Leah

I hope you feel better also, Fred, and I know what you mean about having an ailment after having a stroke...much worse. The PT at the hospital told me it takes twice as much energy than the average person after a stroke - maybe 3x. Well, I'll pray for a better Fred in front of the TV with no pain watching the Super Bowl

I used to be good at multi-tasking and keeping “hundreds” of things in my head at the same time and not forgetting them. Well, needless to say, I’m not that good since my stroke; I can get confused easily or not remember. Also have a problem with too much going on at one time like Thursday which was supposed to be my 2nd PT day of the week. I didn’t plan very well because my cleaning girl was here running from room to room and taking the vacuum with here , the cable guy was here because my TV would go back on and I couldn’t remember the steps to set it up again. And then he was talking too fast for me to write down how to fix it. So I had to have him repeat it and then I wrote it down and then re-wrote it after he left so I would understand it. My caregiver was also here (who was not the cause of any problem) but too much going on at the same time. Anyway, I soon realized I was just too tired to go to PT so I guiltily called and canceled. She understood but said “can you give me a longer notice the next time” (it was an hour before). Then I really put a guilt trip on my head and was beating myself up thinking but I probably really could have, etc. Well, I went back to bed and felt better when I got up. Later I told myself I should blog about this to share with others as I doubt I’m not the only one who has these things happen. So here I am… I remembered reading Asha’s blog a couple weeks ago after she beat herself up and then wrote “10 things I like about myself”. She was following in Jamie’s footsteps, so now I’m following in both of theirs. Here are my 10 (turned out to be 12): I am considerate and kind and have empathy. I am spiritual and look to God for strength; I read daily to improve my connection with my spirit. I think about and pray for others. I try to have a positive attitude to take away sadness on my gray days. I continue to exercise so I won’t lose any strength I still have. I am grateful for what I have and can do and do not focus on what the stroke has taken from me. My brain still works well, even using the computer and doing finances,In spite of my stroke. I am truthful. I am courteous to others and say thank you. I am giving, of my heart and donations to organization for those in need. After Jerry’s death in October 2006 I have managed to deal with grief positively by being grateful for 27 years together and am grateful I am able to manage the household without his help and don’t cry as much now. I was a very loving and good wife and did not have anything left unsaid whenJerry passed away…truly a blessing Next workout is Monday at 1:00 and I WILL GO. I remembered I just cannot schedule more than one thing in a day so some-thing is coming up in a couple weeks that I am going to change. i.e. don’t try to work out AND go to the doctor! Hugs, Leah

Hi Sue: I am aware of the terrible fires in Austrailia and hope you do not encounter any damage due to fire, floods, winds, etc. The world is a mess weather-wise right now. I'm in Tuscson Arizona and our temps have been like a roller coaster and sometimes colder than my sisters in the mid-west...nuts. It sounds like you are adjusting well and I know the Lord is holding your hand and heart as Ray looks on. Having a great circle of friends and church fellowship I am sure has helped. Being that I am the stroke survivor I haven't been able to get out, but that is mainly because of not being able to be ready by the church time or be able to be alert for more than 5 hours at a time. By the time I get up and ready and to the church it would already be 3. It is what it is right now. I have a little sanctuary of my own in my guest bedroom with of course The Bible, many spiritual books, and daily meditation readings, etc. and a picture of Jerry I love. It looks like he is looking up to heaven with a real serene look on his face. I had never thought that way before but now that is how I interpret the picture. Those things are all a help to me. Tomorrow is work-out + a blood draw and that is about all I can handle. I pray for you and for strength, not that you need it...the Lord is definitely on your side. ...and yes, life will go on anyway; I just hope God's will coincides with mine once in a while! Hugs, Leah

Sue: There is no greater strength than that which we find within ourselves. And you have all the strength you need and a powerful God to guide you. Hugs, Leah

Sue: It's been 15 months since Jerry's passing and lonliness is probably the wost thing especially since I had the stroke and so am not independent except at home. I sure wish my family was here. My sisters are coming for a week in March - one from Michigan and one from Indiana and we are all excited. I have my caregivers that take me out to PT twice a week and another day to the beauty shop. A friend of mine dropped by today and talked for about 2-1/2 hours. I was so tired atfter that I had to take a nap! At least with phone calls I can cut them short if need be. I talk to at least one old friend almost ever day day and, or course, with email that helped keeping in touch. The blahs will leave and I know you have had much on your plate that a normal day would seem blah to you. Take a day @ a time and the sun will shine again. Bless you, Leah (I lost my picture profile and can't get it back up. I've emailed a couple people but no luck so far. One day it just went poof!!) Hugs, Leah

I prefer to think what is "real" for me may not be "real" for someone else and they may be disillusioned anyway!! Leah

Thanks to Asha, I have been inspired to write 10 things I like about myself. I have been a little down on me lately probably due to our cold snap and I'm not going out much right now.

Great idea Asha. I'm going to make it a project I work on for myself and than I will post it. Good Job and thanks for the inspiraition to do this. Leah

LORD you have done such great things! How deep are your thoughts! Psalm 92:5 God’s thoughts are not our thoughts, nor are they even like ours. We aren’t even in the same neighborhood. We’re thinking, Preserve the body; He’s thinking, Save the soul. We dream of a pay raise. He dreams of raising the dead. We avoid pain and seek peace. God uses pain to bring peace. We avoid pain and seek peace. God uses pain to bring peace. “I’m going to live before I die,” we resolve. “Die, so you can live,” he instructs. We love what rusts. He loves what endures. We rejoice at our successes. He rejoices at our confessions. We show our children the Nike star with the million-dollar smile and say, “Be like Mike.” God points to the crucified carpenter with bloody lips and a torn side and says, “Be like Christ.” from The Great House of God - Max Lucado Yes, God is Good - Leah

Happy New Year to you also, Asha. I hope you keep on growing. My blogs are short in context and in between. I'll try for another soon. I am grateful for all I can do and do not mope about what I cannot do. It is hard for other people to understand but that is their problem, not mine. God is good. Leah

I want to blog once more before Christmas. I have a problem with procrastination and this is going to be very short. I’ve said this many times before but due to my fatigue I only have so many hours in a day which I can be productive. Can’t believe 2012 is almost over. This is the second xmas since Jerry’s death and I must say it is much easier than last year, as it was only 3 months then. So with good intentions, I want to wish everyone Happy Holidays no matter what religion you practice or if you don’t. I feel everyone has their own understanding of a God in their life even if it is the great spirit of the sky. So let’s make it a point to love and be kind to everyone. Sometimes that is the best we can do in any given day and I’ve learned that is good enough. Peace and hugs to all of you, Leah

that's one of those 'been there, done that". At least you had the opportunity before stroke to ride a motorcycle, which a lot of people don't have. Thank God for that ... literally. I have to remember what I have done pre-stroke that many people will never be abel to do or places to see that I have. Praise God for that. Hugs, Leah

Thank you for your insight everyone. This is a HUGE problem with gun control and mental/behavioral issues too . Something has to be done and the legislators keep dilly-dallying around back and forth. I pray for those who have gone to heaven and also the families who are suffering here on earth.. I asked Jerry, my dearly beloved, to help up in heaven if he can. It will be a long time before all the details come out on this event...I hope there will be some good.. Lock-down at schools is a good idea - I wonder how the shooter got in; I heard he broke a window near the lock the then reached around and opened the door. Rumor or not but something to think about. There were a lot of brave little ones that day. God bless their souls. Leah