AZ Leah

It is always better to have loved and lost than never loved at all. I don't remember where that quote came from but it is certainly true. You have a way with words, Sue, maybe you should write a book? We never know what God has planned for us. Yes, dealing with grief is difficult but I wouldn't trade one adventurous, loving day I had with Jerry through the years. As Bob Hope said, Thanks for the memories. I know you will take care of yourself, Sue, and there are a lot of others who will take care of you too. Hugs, Leah

Sue: I admire your energy and willingness to get involved during this hard time. I'm doing Christmas cards which may be the last year except for my sisters and brother. Everything is just too hard. I ordered gifts on line and only two needed shipped. I shopped for my little great-nephews here and with xmas bags nowadays, it is easy to wrap. A friend of mine gave me a lot of one she had. I have a cold right now which makes it hard to do any-thing. I am taking another step backward. Being a hermit and no energy for anything or anybody. I think I'm depressed, but it is the season (2nd xmas without my beloved) and I know my attitutde stinks. Last time I went out with friends was Oct. 23 although I've done quite a few work-outs since and seen people I know. Keep going strong, Sue, you are one courageous lady and for you another life has just begun. Hugs, Leah

My thoughts and prayers are with you, Sue, plus Ray and your Mum. It will be a hard adjustment for you but freeing in the long-run. I know the angels are surrounding all of you and I hope your nights will be full of sleep, not sleepless. God is good and sends his angels and holy spirit where needed. You are a prayer warrier. Hugs, Leah day by day

There are fimes in our lives whe the world seems to shift. We value, in one clear instant, bhe blessing of das we once though of as ordinary - and we suddenly know that what most truly enriches us are the friends we love, who love us in return. I will be forever grateful for those loved ones. Leah

The luncheon I had in honor of Jerry's one year passing was wonderful. Just 4 friends with a lot in common and we shared and smiled and laughed. No somber thoughts. Three days later I developed a pinched nerve in my left hand. It hurt so much I cried; it affected my ring finger and middle finger which are connected by the same ligaments and nerves. I went to the doctor and he ordered a wrist splint for me which went around my thumb and had a metal brace inside the split which kept the nerves straight. This, once again, put my work-out on hold for 10 days. I started again on Monday and now have a cold. I am still walking upright with my walker and haven't lost too much strength. I know I'll be okay next week, God willing. I got a couple Thanksgiving cards off to distance siblings. I wish I was there but even if the move would be too hard, the weather in MI and IN wouldn't be my choice. We talk evey week on the phone and I get to see my brother and his family on occasion. My brother was going to bring my new great-nephew over, but now with the cold, I'm said NO NO. I'm going to add another blog from a card I got. Happy Thanksgiving everyone, especially the new people. I'm six years and "going somewhat strong". I will NOT give up. Leah

Good for you. My husband "convinced" me to retire when I was 51. I was one of those who thought how could I; there is too much for me to do before I would leave, can they do without me, la te da te da. Well, God had a plan. Jerry was already retired and it gave us 12 glorious years together and to travel, do some home decorating and just have fun before my stroke. Yes, God has a plan and I know he has one for you. Jerry died last October but not before all those wonderful years. And, believe it or not, I'm fine money-wise. Good for you Ruth. I worked since I was 15 so that was more years than I was when I "quit". BTW, I was so "important" (NOT) I gave a 6 month notice. Jerry and I both loved every day and night we had together. Leah

I can’t believe how much has happened since I last blogged. All in all, I think in retrospect I’ve made quite a bit of progress and a lot of positive and some not-so-positive decisions. The photo is me and my one week old great-nephew (Roman) taken a month ago. The new keep up with those we miss. I wanted to blog to give you some indication for my absence of late from this site, so this will be rather lengthy and some of you may not mind. On October 23, 2011, as most of you know, my life fell apart worse than when I had my stroke when my husband Jerry of 27 years died of lung cancer. It had only been diagnosed 3 mo, 2wk (stage 4) prior and I had fallen that week and was in the hospital with a compressed fracture of L1 and in a brace when I found out. Besides my personal pain, I obviously suffered from shock, grief, fear and agony from the anticipated loss of my primary caregiver since my stroke in 2006. I had a miraculous recovery and independence until 2010 when I fell and punctured a lung and then again in 2011 when I "broke" my back and now needed a lot of care again. The brace made it so I could hardly move. After Jerry’s memorial service, for which I had a lot of help from friends, I was almost paralyzed with confusion and needed guidance of what steps to take next to get through everything. I can only say that with God’s help and Jerry’s spirit I was able to accomplish more than I thought would be possible. Since we had no children, it might have been easier in one respect but I had a lot work to do, as I had to appoint new trustee and co-trustees and so the amount of paperwork wasn’t decreased. Besides confusion I have also suffered from lack of motivation, enthusiasm, severe chronic fatigue, depression, social anxiety and fear of the unknown. I started thinking "am I really forgetting what is told to me or is it the other person who thinks they told me so they are really who is distracted or who forgot." A lot of the friends I thought I had slowly have “disappeared” but the ones that stayed with me have been a God-send. I have many old friends (some from junior high days) who I talk with or email and they have helped along with a local stroke support group when I can make it and this on-line stroke website. I have stayed away from social media sites – just too much. I have prayed and meditated daily. I have a wonderful daily meditation book on grief and I quote one sentence: “Judge no one who has not been in his shoes. Only from within me can my timetable of grief be discovered." I feel I have dealt well with the degree of grief I have gone through. I attribute this to God through readings for my survival, emotionally, physically and mentally. All of these readings have been passed on by other spiritual people, thus the channel from my Higher Power. I also have a long-term care policy that I feel He was responsible for and so have had wonderful caring needed daily caregivers from about 9:00 to 4:30. I’ve been able to manage my nights due to exercise I commenced as soon as I could have the brace removed. I have continued with physical therapy both at a site and at home since then and walk with a walker or cane. It will be a year this Tuesday, October 23, since Jerry's death, nd 4 friends are meeting for a lunch near my home. These ladies have all been through a lot, 2 are widows also, one very recent and the other is still grieving a separation of a long relationship plus the death of her father. This gathering will bring us together and honor our loved ones and give gratitude for the time they were in our lives. We all knew each other, in fact one of the ladies and one of the husbands used o unselfishly drive Jerry to his chemo sessions. We (I think I will always say “we” meaning Jerry and I”) have two cats. Petey had been a mutual loving and caring cat with Jerry. Gigi usually stayed away from that relationship and stayed with me knowing I needed healing attention. Oddly enough, Petey has stayed away from his normal places in our home and bed. But in the last week, he has stayed next to me on the sofa when watching TV and sleeping with me at night. Gigi has stayed out of our way (usually under the bed). I believe that animals, being very instinctive, Petey has known it’s almost a year and the Lord and Jerry will see God’s will and progress will be made. I feel Jerry’s presence in every room of the house and I feel after Tuesday he will still be here but I will be able to start afresh. Just this week I have returned to our club and will work out with the physical trainer both of us worked with for 14 years.. I don’t think I have made much physical progress in the last 8 months and now it is time to move on. I hope this also pertains to the physical fatigue I have had which will make it possible to enlarge my world as a whole – strength, church, friends, social events, independence, and many more. This week begins for me what I hope is a new beginning. Today is the first day of the rest of my life, with Jerry and the wonderful thoughts and memories never left behind. Love to all stroke survivors and family, Leah

I too am trending lightly and hopefully won't make too many mistakes that can't be undone. I love the way you got back into your spare bedroom. I knew you had gumption ..just use the brains God gave us. I once again have too much on my plate that I won't go into now. But one thing I do is make lists and number them in importance; that way they won't go around in my head as I try to sleep tonight. I have exercise with my new trainer tomorrow and I decided I need to train her. She has too many things I need to do after my once a wk session. I strained my bicep trying to do a curl and of course it was on my right hand. Wed. I am going to try my dardest to get to a stroke group mtg. And then next Tues is the 1st "anniversay" of Jerry's death and 3 of my close friends and I are going out to lunch if I can manage it. I'm canceling my caregiver, setting the coffee pot and alarm and asking my best friend to come help me so I can get ready and get their relaxed and on time. It's really close. Sue...you will make it. make lists, and lists to to after that, etc. I made file folders with the impt things to do and I'm still not done!. Bless you. Leah

Sue: Thank you for posting. The first months after death I have found were the hardest but it still is taking it's toll and this month will be a year. In the beginning I couldn't imagine a year - but it is here. I feel Jerry's presence in every room in the house and thought I saw his shadow at the Fitness Center today. Only rush the things absolutely necessary, as they will always be there tomorrow. I just got the balance of the clothes given away. I was glad my brother could wear many of them and the need was certainly there. I am starting to go through scrapbooks and saving my favorite shots and tossing the just scenery, not special photos. I only have a few friends who have stayed with me - it first happened with the stroke and now with Jerry's death. If I could get around better and join some groups it would be better but I am grateful for my caregivers. I have tried grief support groups but it ends up taking up the whole day and that isn't good for me either. I am and will probably always take it a day at a time and rely on our Great Provider for the strength and His will. Hang in there Sue; it does get better. Hugs, Leah

I posted my condolences but had a power outage so won't repeat them all. Grief is handled by people in a lot of ways. Follow the will of the Lord and know that Ray is free from pain and suffering. He will join the many who have already gone to the great mansion in the sky. Let people help you; there is so much to do but you have so many who want to help. God bless you. Leah

Sue, I'm sorry once again for Ray's problems. I would imagine a feeding tube is out of the question unless he is in a hospital. I had a friend, though, with throat cancer, that had a feeding tube and he was feed outside of the hospital. I was on a feeding tube until they knew I could swallow liquids without aspirating. You've both been through so much.God bless you both. Love, Leah

Very well stated, Fred. I might add that the relationship of the caregiver and stroke survivor, means a lot too. I know your wife, Fred, and of course Sue get 5 stars for helping through these years. Jerry before he passed away last Oct. had his ups and downs. I prefer to remember the ups. God helps me daily and I know I have some kind of purposee for which I am still looking (besides helping others). The first year of my stroke (after I could read), I devoted to learning as much about stroke as possible. I have caregivers now - some like to know why things happen and others could care less. Love is always the answer.

Thanks Asha. I've already ordered it. I love reading and miracles happen when drs. think someone is going to die -like you and me. Another author is Joan Webster Anderson who has several books about angels interceding when a disaster is about to happen. You sound like you are doing well. Physically I'm not real good, mainly because of my fatigue, I just can't do much, but I continue to work on my spirituality in hopes that God will intercede and give me more energy so I can get out and do more the help others more. Hugs from Leah

Sue: You are definitely a caregiver warrier and have been through more than anyone should have to go through with an ill loved one. My prayers are with you and Ray always. I am sure this is very hard on you. Prayer and one day @ a time hopefully will help. You have no greater strength than that which we find within ourselves with the Lord's help. Bless you, Leah

I thought I found the meaning, but I'm looking and praying all over again. God is good. Leah

Your are so right Asha, I think the stroke has given me blinders and that goes fo a crumb on my shirt or tabletop. I just have to let up on myself. I know God will help, so I think I will let Him!! Love you all even though I'm not around much. Leah

thank you bonnie for your beautiful post and I love the idea of a tatoo...who know I might get one one of these days. It's been 8 months since I lost Jerry and I am fighting tooth and nails. Today was not a good day and I cried most other day. I am along and feel that way. It will be so hard to make a move but I am slowly realizing I need to. For tonight i am letting it go; I'm too sad. I have friends here, but as you know being a stroke survivor AND a widow is hard. I'll blog when I can get my head around it eventially. Jerry was my rock and now I feel I am sinking into sand. Leah

MC: With faith and patience, all things are possible in God's time, not ours! It is often very hard to wait but I think that makes us stronger people in the long run. Glad it worked out for you. Look at the positive not the negative. My two sistes are too far away to visit and I can't fly anymore. They are in 2 different states and have big families. I really miss seeing them; we talk at least once a week. Once things settle down, I want to pay for them to fly to come visit me for a week or two if their husbands will let them loose that long ! Hugs, Leah

Hi Bonnie: Thank you for sharing. I lost my husband last October from lung cancer, totally unexpected. It has been very hard but I am making it. He lived only 3 months 3 weeks after the diagnosis. Nobody saw it coming. The pain started real bad with the radiation (he also had leasions in his brain) and then chemo. He stayed at home and a friend drove him to our local cancer center for chemo, hydration, etc. We also had nursefinders come in because he had been in the hospital due to pneumonia during the chemo and I had fractured my back the same week he was diagnosed. I called Hospice toward the end...not any too soon either. I am glad he is not in pain and he is in a serene, happy place with your husband. I still take it day @ a time. I have long-term care insurance (thank God) and so I have a lady come in 7 days a week to help me during the day. I am still not done with everything that needs doing but just do what you can when you can do it. God will help you, believe me. I don't know how people who don't have a God in their life do it. He has saved me from so much pain and is helping me take a step at a time and deal with grief when it comes up. Hugs, Leah

Asha: I love your positive outlook and attitude and am happy for you that you have reached a point in your stroke recovery that you know that you are making a big difference in your son's and others lives. God had a plan for you and I think that now you know what that is. Hugs, Leah

A short entry, as promised. I received a card today from the County. I RECEIVED A FOREVER MEDICAL EXCUSE FROM JURY DUTY. YEAH, HE PAPERWORK FINALLY PAID OFF.. Hope I'll have another short positive note soon. Leah

Sue: Bless you and all you are going through. When my mother was in skilled nursing and moved to the Alzheimer's wing one of my last memories was me wheeling her down the hall to her room. She asked me when she could go home. I was taken by surprise because it was the first time she asked it and I said "soon, Mom, soon. I later realized "home" was heaven and, yes, she did go home within the week. I will never know what she really meant but for me home for her was heaven which gave me peace when she went. It is hard living alone but be thankful you are not disabled and can go where you want when you want and bend over to do some gardening. Being disable is very hard being along. Of course, my caregivers help immensely but I want to do things myself and I just can't. I have to let go and let God. Hugs and God Bless You, Leah

Happy Birthday to a strong and lovely and courageous woman. Leah

Hi everyone: Tomorrow is the 6th anniversary of my brainstem stroke. A friend of mine’s husband died last week and it opened up my grieving both for my stroke and for Jerry’s death and other issues I haven’t closed or finished since he died in Oct. For years, there were 6 girlfriends who got together every Tues. for lunch. We also used to get together with our spouses on N. Y. eve to go out for a nice dinner. One of the girl’s husbands died about 10 years ago, another died 3 ½ years ago, Jerry died last Oct. and now Mike just passed. Emotionally, I was a wreck over the weekend and needed time to process all of it. I still have some of Jerry’s clothes to give away (amazingly that is mostly done). When I had my stroke, Jerry was at a loss of what to do since I took care of all finances, so I put together a notebook with names, phone numbers and instructions, from insurance, doctors, bills to pay, our attorney, accountant and financial contacts. After Jerry died, I realized this needed changed for only information. I still have to complete it and also need to update my will and personal representative because it had been Jerry’s sister. It’s hard for me because my two sisters live in MI and KY. I have a close friend her but I need to set up some suggestions for her like who would handle an estate sale in case of death, etc. I hate addressing all that. On a positive note, I had filed for widow’s benefit from social security but still needed to obtain some paperwork. It took 5 months to get it all but I finally did and mailed it off yesterday. It will be worth the work because it will give me some additional income. On top of all this, I got called for jury duty!! They sent back my medical excuse signed by my licensed caregiver but sent it back to me saying it needed signed by an M.D. Today I had an appt with my neurologist and he signed and faxed the form so I should now be off the hook. I hope I won’t have any more surprises ahead of me. Last week after my pulmonologist appt my caregiver and I went and ordered a new recliner for the living room. The cat did a job the last few years using it as a scratching post. I need to do the same eventually with the family room sofa and love seat in the bedroom. After my appt today, we went to another furniture store to look at sizes and colors. The quality is pretty good and the prices are excellent. Right now they are having a sale but I wasn’t ready to order. I’ve still been working out 2x/week and usually have a dr. appt once a week too although I think after today I’ll be pretty caught up. There are times I want to quit but know I can’t. I miss Jerry SO much and life just isn’t fun any more even though my caregivers are very nice. But I don’t want to go anywhere..It’s too hard. I’m still knitting and reading and praying daily to get my spirits up. I better stop before I cry all over my keyboard. So I better post it now. Hugs and thoughts to all, Leah :thumbsu:

Lydi: I'm not wild about dr visits either and I have a lot of specialists I have to visit..I know I will never get my old life back when I had just one visit a year with my primary care. But it is what it is and I am alive thanks to the grace of God. I too say the serenity prayer daily and that is sometimes how I made it through. The thing about depression is that I know it will get better because I've been through it before. So take each day a a gift and think good thoughts. Leah