AZ Leah

Hi All: I've had something going every day this week. I guess that is progress since I could not have done this even a few months ago. I had workouts with my physical trainer on Mon & Wed which included the recumbent bike and 2-3# hand weights, machines and other leg lift exercises. I'm up to 12 min. on the recumbent bike; a few months ago my limit was 5 min!! Yesterday my caregiver drove me to the podiatrist for my big toe that has had a fungus. The last podiatrist didn't do it correctly and so it came back still with a fungus. This doctor was great. He took the whole toenail off (ouch). I'm to soak it 2x/day in epsom salt water and then recover with neosporin and a special band-aid he provided. I have a follow-up in 10 days. Today I went and had my hair washed and blown dry. So I now have a couple days to rest up. Our weather has been HOT and sometimes very windy. A friend of mine has a daughter who had an anuerysm in her brain which bled and she is in a drug induced coma like I was. I was able to lend my support and help to her family because of my miracle of surviving a brainstem stroke. I sent out an email to those in my address book who knew my friend and called for prayers. I am getting an idea of what God's will is for me and felt good I could pass on my hope for them. Nicole is only 30, is married and has a 2 week old baby and a 2 year old son. I do hope and pray God has a miracle in store for her. It brought back a lot of memories and again I visited my gratitude for all that has been given to me. Happy Memorial Day. Hugs, Leah :mom:

May 17, 2012 It’s time for me to stop procrastinating and start this blog; it’s been too long. I finished my out-patient PT a couple weeks ago and now am working out with the trainer Jerry I worked with for so long. I see her 2x/week and usually need the day after to recuperate and do things like paperwork and other fun stuff! Usually I have a doctor appt of some sort once a week too. So it doesn’t sound like much but with chronic fatigue, it’s a lot. People are always asking me to join a club, go out for lunch or ?? Most don’t understand what real fatigue if. Besides my primary care I have a neurologist, pulmonologist, rheumatologist, once in a while a therapist and next week have to see a podiatrist. Before my stroke I only saw one specialist. I realize that surviving a stroke is more than most people could handle and some days I wish God hadn’t picked me, especially after my one and only moved to the heavenly mansion in the sky. Jerry knows I want to be with him but God is in charge. At least I have come through some big-time acceptance issues. I recently came to the realization that after Jerry passed away last October there is so much more I am now responsible for. There has been so much paperwork and it just keeps coming. First it was papers relating to his death, selling a car, then recently I started getting bills from the healthcare company which hadn’t been processed and I ended up owing a lot more than I thought I would. They were not very good about explaining things to me when I was shock-laden with grief and still in pain and in the brace from the last fall. I’ve have found over $1,700 of error on their part but it took me hours to go through weeks of bills from the caregivers. My long-term care insurance (again, I say thank you God) is doing their job and I don’t have any overage now. I have a caregiver 7 days a week, 8 hours a day and I am SO grateful and blessed. I’m glad I didn’t know everything right away. As a disabled widow I am now head of household (I am thankful to have one) but that means, contacting our landscaper, the pool guy, getting the car serviced, calling a handyman for little things. I had a pest control man come out for a one time spray (Jerry used to do it) after my caregiver found a scorpion in my office. We haven’t had hardly any rain but it’s been real windy. The roof isn’t leaking thank goodness but now I have to pay to have the screened porch cleaned. Just last month I finally got all the legal work done. Wow, it was supposed to be so simple and I had to pay more than Jerry or I ever dreamed it would be because of the way we set things up. But that’s a onetime deal and I didn’t have to pay any death taxes. I was surprised that you cannot write funeral costs off your income taxes..Not fair. They get you when you are alive; you would think you might get a break when you die! I am getting stronger but have a way to go. The neuropathy in my feet has come back. I tried gabapentin but it made me so sleepy I couldn’t do anything. So now I take one gabapentin about 7:00 at night and it allows me to sleep better and it wears off in the morning. I also have started to soak my feet in vinegar water which was suggested by one of my caregivers. I’ll try anything. I slowly figured out I was reading in my spare time and playing computer games as an escape to face my grief. I’ve basically isolated, watch movies at home, etc. which my therapist says is just fine as long as I don’t mind it which I don’t. It takes so much energy to get ready and get to wherever and I don’t care about going out to eat. Been there, done that !! I certainly don’t like going shopping anymore. I have my favorite internet sites for buying anything I need or want to gift. I can’t walk far with my cane or walk far with my walker. I read spiritual books and readings and meditations daily. Starting on a good foot helps me and strengthens my attitude and frame of mind. I refuse to get on a pity-pot. I only cry on occasion now and at sometimes “strange” times – that is what grieving for me is all about. I have pictures of Jerry in every room and I talk to him and look at he and me together and just him with smiles galore. Boy, we had some wonderful times and I am fortunate to have had Jerry for 27 great years. Well, I best end this – it’s too long already. I’ll try to post more frequent so there will be some short ones on occasion and some better news from time to time. Hugs to all, Leah

Sue: I am one who keeps you in my prayers although you don't hear from me. Living life well will lead to a life much richer and peaceful than the one we now have. It doesn't do any good to answer why some have to suffer so long - Ray and you included. The love of my life Jerry succumbed to his lung cancer only 3 1/2 months after diagnosed with no symptoms before. While I angst about that, in hindsight it was a blessing. I am still in grief mode after 6 months and find it hard to do just about anything. My motivations have decreased and I finally realized how much more I have to do without Jerry even with a caregiver 5 days a week. I will continue to pray for you and Ray. God is always with you. Leah

Nancy: i've had that one thing after another since last July and now think I am finally on an uphill swing altho' you couldn't tell it today. Keep the faith; I do think that challenges make us stronger and give us more faith but I would rather do without! I got my laptop out so I can watch the "movie" on Ram Dass that asha posted. it's is more comfortable in a chair other than my office. Leah

i found i could not get out of the tub so use walk-in shower. i tried tub once and thought we were going to call fire dept to help me out. Listen to that small voice and pay attention to it. bathrooms are dangerous! Leah

Dear Sue: all I can say is that I will pray for you and Ray. I don't know how you bare up; the Lord is certainly with you. I don't ask why anymore no matter what. I've been in the doldrums lately so haven't blogged even tho' I know it would do be good. You are SO very good about sharing, Love to you, Leah

thanks for your comments and compliments. I'm now doing one for my niece who is pregnant and I have another pregnant relative too!! Have promised that one yet. but it does keep me serene in between my work-outs and getting used to my Jerry not being here. Longer blog is promised sooner or later. Leah

Hi all: Happy Easter, Passover or whatever Holiday you celebrate. I plan to write a complete blog. My out-patient PT ends April 19 and then I will start 2x/week at my club where Jerry and I both worked out. For now I want to show you what I've been doing to stay sane. It's a baby blanket I knit for my best friend's first grandchild Corbin. I've known Marilyn for over 40 years; she lives in California. Corbin's mom is Marilyn's oldest (her second is my godchild) and we were going to attend her wedding but I went into my stroke coma that date. That event plus missing Jerry's birthday were the saddest for me besides the coma and stroke itself. Moe Later. Happy Holidays and Love and peace to you all.. Leah

I'm glad you had a nice night out with friends; it is so important you take care of yourself. I cannot imagine what it must be like day after day with Ray and all of his ups and downs. I only had a few weeks with Jerry knowing this was the end; I don't think I could have done what you have. Friday was 5 months since Jerry passed and the only good thing is he is out of pain and misery and fears. For me I was sad and it will take a couple days again to begin to smile. I still have my caregivers; I'm not looking forward to being along. Hugs and prayers to you and Ray, Leah

Dear Asha: Yes, you are blessed to have a hubby with a wonderful character and that you love so much. Jerry had such a personality also although he also wrote flowery words on cards he gave me on special occasions. It was after my stroke that I realized fully what a Godsend he was in my life. Now after his death I appreciate another side of him - that of a wonder caregivers. I miss him so much. I know for a fact we were soul mates - don't know if he felt as strongly as I do but that is okay. I still cry once in a while but am grateful for what I had. I loved reading about your love and connection with your husband. Enjoy every day. Leah

Asha: It was so nice to read your positive blog about your family and your grown-up kiddo. I wish I could have the same joy; I am trying to get to some order and familiarity in my life and without Jerry it is oh so hard. Leah

Thank you and Debbie for keeping me in your prayers. And Rachael, I have found Silver Sneakers in Tucson not too far from me. The classes at Parks and Recs are too advanced for me due to my stroke problems, but thanks for the advice. Hugs to all , Leah

Now that I’ve made it through Valentine’s Day as a newly widowed stroke survivor, I feel it is time to face the music and blog about my woes. I don’t know how so many events can happen in such a short time and how one is to digest, comprehend and try to accept all of it. If I didn’t have long-term care insurance (thank you God) I think I would be in a nut house. For those new to my blog, I fell in July 2011 and was in hospital with a compressed fracture of L-1 the same week I learned my husband had stage 4 lung cancer. Jerry only lived for 3 ½ months more and passed away October 23. I’m now in out-patient PT working mainly on balance and my gait (left over from my stroke 6 years ago). I am still confused a lot of what to do when, so I take it one day at a time and do what is in front of me exactly at that moment. There has been so much to do as the after-math of his death; when one thing is accomplished, another comes my way. My friends and therapist tell me I’ve done amazingly well. I was even able to sell his sports car last week to the used car division of BMW and they came right to me after I called. I didn't get as much as I thought but the serenity of knowing it's done and I don't have to worry about someone coming around to the house to see it which could be dangerous for me. My therapist also keeps reminding me that grief takes many forms, one of them being fatigue which I sure have. She said to keep the word “should” out of my vocabulary and do what I am capable of. My caregivers and a few friends have helped immensely but I give the credit to God to have given me the strength I’ve needed and I’ll continue to pray for Him to give me what I need and to make the right decisions. I’m not making any big changes and hope I can continue to stay in my home. I have a caregiver 8 hours a day thru my l/t care insurance who does the things I cannot do or need help with like bathing and watching me for safety (an A LOT more including grocery shopping, taking out the garbage and getting the mail). I had help before with cleaning and washing clothes (a friend helped) but Jerry did so much. Of course I miss his love and hugs and encouragement the most. My PT will last for at least another month (2x/week) and I have home exercises I do. I know I can’t quit but I’m not sure where I’m going to go next. The club where I used to work out is so expensive I am thinking of canceling my membership but it might be good for an interim place as I know a lot of people there plus the trainer who Jerry and I both used. I also have a Silver Sneakers membership and my caregiver can drive me to a fitness club not too far from home. So many new challenges and changes have entered my life but my past experience tells me prayer, gratitude and a positive attitude is what will help me the most. A lot is going to depend upon how long my long-term care insurance will carry me. I have a very good plan which is unlimited. Right now I still need help but once I can drive I’m afraid they will cut me off. That would make a world of difference for me. But I refuse to project about things I cannot control. The serenity prayer is a good reminder for that and I recite it daily. Hugs to all, Leah

Fred, you are one tough dude!! But your faith of God has seen you through more than one person should have gone through. In my nightly prayers I pray for all the service people all over the world. I too am sad and sick of so many men and women who have died or are disabled physically and emotionally from these "useless" ward. I don't think we will ever see the peacetime I for one grew up with. I'm grateful I experienced it. My nephew is in the air force in Germany and is a Staff Sargent who is a mechanic, one the safest air force jobs as he doesn't fly. He's already done a duty n Afghanistan and Korea on the demileratized (sP?) zone and game back safe, thank the good Lord. I can see why some people think this is the beginning of Armageddon. Leah

As a newly widowed stroke survivor I can identify with everyone...the biggest difference being that I am the disabled one and am having to take baby steps toward physical and emotional recovery. I started drafting a blog I hope to finish this weekend ... it's so hard for me to express my feelings into words but I know that is part of the healing and grieving process. Best to all of you meeting new challenges. Leah

My situation is much different but then again similar. I am the stroke survivor and Jerry passed away Oct. 23, 2011, of lung cancer. It was a shock as he was in great condition and it was diagnosed just 3 months & 3 weeks before he passed. I am the one who is alone now, although I am fortunate enough to have a caregiver to help me out 8 hours a day. I stumble through the rest of the day myself and so far it's just okay. My caregiver drives me to therapy, does grocery shopping laundry, changes my bed and other things I'm unable to do. I feel I'll be improved enough to drive sooner or later and I am not looking forward to the real alone I'll be sometime soon. I'm scared and sad and miss Jerry so much. Sue you are a wonderful inspiration; I'm glad you have family around. We had no children and my sisters live in different states. My friends have helped immensely but I do isolate by necessity. I always pray for all the stroke survivors and caregivers and I will keep doing that. God Bless you all. He is how I survive each day. God is my refuge. Leah

Sue: I was so sorry to hear the unfortunate news about another set-back for Ray. He and you are both so strong I cannot possibly imagine how you do it. I had a PEG tube but, of course, that was right after my first bad stroke. I would think that comparing a current CT with the last CT should show if there is anything different which would rule in or out another stroke. Have you made a chronologial list of Ray's medical history to give to the doctors, hospitals, etc. and then you could update it as need be. It sure would save a lot of time and stress on your mind. I always carried a list of Jerry's meds with me and I do it with mine - keep an extra copy to give out and keep one for me. I will pray for both of you. The Lord is always with you even if you don't think he is. He is your refuge from the storms that come over us and will see you through to the end. God bless you; you certainly are an angel. Hugs, Leah

CONGRATULATIONS ASHA. You exude inspiration for us other stroke survivors. I am striving to get back the attitude you have (and I once did). One day at a time. I love that you are enjoying life and your family to its fullest. You are indeed a stroke warrior. Keep on trudging this journey that has been given to us. Hugs, Leah

good for you Asha. I have done that on the past but as you know because of Jerry's passing and other complications I am not the positive after-stroke girl right now. I started OP PT yesterday and have it again tomorrow. I have a very experienced neuro therapist and they have some new neuro equipment I will be glad to use to help with balance. I need a lot of help but I am still looking positively at the future, but this time I'm grinding my teeth ! It's always good to read your positive thoughts. Hugs Leah

Hi Asha: Congratulations. I had the confidence etc. but lost it a couple times due to falls and then it back again and here I am again 6 months post my fall and 3 1/2 months since Jerry died and I finally don't have to wear the brace anymore. I finally have my first Out patient PT this Friday. Everything kept on being pushed forward but for me it pushed me backward. I know going out for PT will help me and I hope I can drive again soon and get stronger again faster. I was always in charge of our finances except when I was in the hospital. I'm glad you now have a new workable system for you. I carry both my cell and "house" phone with me in my walker and I've had to put calls on hold or speaker more than once. I've accepted the fact that I'll never get caught up and that's ok as long as important things are taken care of. I love your attitude and posts, Asha. I'll do my own blog soon; I don't want to "interrupt" your blog! GO GIRL!! Hugs, Leah :cheer:

Hi Asha: Happy New Year to you also and I'm glad you were able to visit NYC. My husband was born near Manhattan and we did about all the sight-seeing I desired for a lifetime, even saw about 5 broadway shows. My husband had a great time leading me through the sights. We did everything by subway or buses, very little taxi and we had a ball. Once we stayed on the upper west side in a small hotel and walked across Central Park to the Metro Museum. I am SO grateful for those opportunities re-stroke. I miss him immensely but am dealing better the last couple of days. I will be with friends tomorrow. We are all miracles and I know God is my answer for stroke recovery and for grieving. God Bless and Hugs, Leah :yay:

Sue: I couldn't do what you do. I agree with Asha about turning it over to a higher power. I have a care girl in 8 hours a day and don't know where anything is any more ( it doesn't help that there are 4 different girls). I want my house back too but then I will really be alone. I had a melt-down after xmas and think I have faced the reality that Jerry is really gone. I was so distracted around the holidays that I must have stuffed my emotions. Tomorrow a friend is picking me up to go to a grief group. I've made a lot of changes in the last 2 months but I know for my peace of mind I need to do more. I'm glad I don't have family knocking down my door. In fact, when they come, it's a couple at a time and I have a time limit. Of course, I am the stroke survivor but sometimes recently wonder if I am surviving. 2012 has to be better. God is watching over me and that I know is a fact. I think you are trying to make the abnormal normal and that is impossible. Hugs, Leah

I know that now and know I need to be especially good to myself, as I am very vulnerable. Tomorrow I am going to a grief support group with a close friend who lost her husband (also my friend) 3 1/2 years ago. I hope it helps. I'm afraid I'll burst out in tears if I open my mouth but then again, so what, that is what grief is. Thanks Ruth and Sue. You have been through it all. Prayers are certain welcome. Hugs, Leah Sue: I plan to go into you blogs and read what all you've been through recently. I don't think I could have made it through what you have had to bare. XX OO

I have been (and still am) so grateful for the peace and calm I have been in recently especially in view of Jerry's death 2 months ago. Well yesterday, Dec. 26 and today I hit a wave of terrible grief. I figured it would happen and so I wasn't but yet was surprised but I sure didn't like it. I know people grieve in different ways and in their own time and can't project when such emotions will hit them. I think I was SO busy doing, doing & more doing that I stuffed my emotions, although I didn't really think I was doing that. I will continue to pray and try to get in more exercise and remember I can say NO when people want me to go out. I am going to a friend's house on New Year's Day, however. There will only be 6 people there and I'm being picked up. I know them well enough that if I want to go home, they will honor however I feel. Tomorrow is another day. God bless you all, Leah