AZ Leah

Hi fellow bloggers: I haven’t blogged in quite a while and realize blogging encourages me to look at changes and/or progress I have made in my stroke recovery. Sometimes they are so small I don’t notice until someone points it out to me. My husband, trainer, primary care physician and close friends are good gauges for me. There are physical, emotional and spiritual changes which I like to look at and which I think are moving me to a deeper level of acceptance. One big improvement I have made is that I don’t live my life in a perpetual state of “before stroke” and “after” as much anymore. I am better living in the NOW, although I still think I can do more than my body will allow. Obviously my stroke changed my life, but I don’t let it define me anymore. My strong type “A” personality is starting to soften. Like Asha says, every day we have a choice of being discouraged or to have hope and do something good or helpful. A positive attitude encourages this hope and courage and God gives me the ability to practice it. I ask for His help daily. Without this spiritual connection which I didn’t think was possible, I don’t believe I would have improved as much as I have. My arm weights are increased to 3 lbs, 3 reps, and I did l7 minutes on the recumbent bike, facts of progress. I’m more independent and can drive again for short distances as long as I know I can get back home! I drove to our stroke support group 2 weeks ago, took the rollator walker out of the car and reversed the process 1 ½ hours later. I’ve gone for work-outs, hair style, nails and plan on going solo to a couple dr. appts soon. This gives Jerry a lot more freedom although he’ll drive me if I feel too tired. I even re-upholstered a cedar chest cushion – one step at a time** This month the Stroke Book Club discussed “Why Bad Things Happen to Good People” by Harold Kushner. Unfortunately I went to that chat on the wrong day! I loved the book and believe wholeheartedly that God does not cause bad things to happen, but He will give us what we need to help us get through them. I spend time reading, meditating, making CDs from ITunes, knitting and doing our home office finances. I give away CDs and knitting to relatives, friends and the humane society (small animal blankets). I feel all this is a type of therapy and I am so thankful for what I can do. Amazingly, my brain still works!! My main complaint, besides left leg and knee spasticity, is fatigue. I don’t think it will change and I don't want to try any more meds for it. I’m trying to adjust my day and limit my “to do’s”. Little by little I’m learning how to do things in a new way and throw away my perfectionism. Our spring has been wonderful and even though I can’t work in the garden, I can look at all the colors and flowers from the porch. I can handle planting flowers for our screened porch and I hope to get some done tomorrow. I enjoy Strokenet chat and the blogs and forums; you all have taught me so much and I am thankful I found you. Till later…Hugs from Leah :giggle:

Lydia - so many great impovements due to your courage and willingness to work to improve. It's hard to one step forward, one back...I have been doing that too alth' I have seem minor improvements of late. I started driving again--just have to make sure I don't get too far away that I'm too pooped to make it back home! Keep on trudging Lydia..you are a winner. Hugs, Leah

congratulations! Go For It !!

Leese: Welcome to our world. Your blog was great. My first year after stroke was almost daily tears and my husband can't take me crying 'cause he can't fix me. S..t I can't fix me! Last week I was getting out of the car when a massive dust devil (I live in Tucson) came and dumped about a ton of debris on me and inside my car. I was going to a stroke support group, so dusted myself off the best I could, pulled my walker out of the car and went! Another gentleman there picked the rest of stuff out of my hair. My wonderful husband cleaned my car after I got home. I didn't evey cray..I just said OH S...t. And I was proud I got to the meeting which is only 6-1/2 miles away but the farthest I've driven alone since last August. Progress, not perfection. Hurray :Clap-Hands: Hugs Leah

Asha, Fred, Sue et. al !! I've done things in my life that were spontaneous and I really didn't know I had a choice (naive, too young, etc.) I don't think any of my choices led to my choice. However, I chose to marry my first husband in California and it lasted 11 years. Then I moved to Tucson because my mom was here and I needed to re-group and get my head straightened out. My mom had Alzheimers and I was her "back-up" caregiver before she passed at 91 in 2005 the year before my stroke. In 1984 I met my husband Jerry of 27 years who is a fabulous caregiver. So I feel I was supposed to be here...call it karma; I don't know. I just know that things happen for a reason that I choose to call God. I love your posts Asha. They make me think!!. Hugs, Leah :friends:

Hi Fred: Yes I wonder also, but I think you are analyzing too much like I have done in the almost 5 years since my stroke. I can smell, see, hear, touch, feel touch, smile (sometimes crooked), breath on my own, swallow slowly and talk. And a biggy is I have most of my memory. I wonder, tho, is my short-term memory loss due to stroke or getting older. I am tired of using a cane, walker and sometimes wheelchair. I'm tired of not being able to do what I want or go where I want when I want to. As you know it takes us at least 2x as long to do anything, like dressing. I miss phone calls on our house phone or a doorbell because I can't get there fast enough if my husband isn't home. I am grateful, however, of what I CAN do and I'm grateful God saved me. I'm still not sure why but I don't have to know. I love your posts, Fred, and I wonder and you wonder and we wonder a lot and will keep on wondering! I have a gratitude list and have to reflect back once in a while to the progress I have made from being in a comma paralyzed to being able to hobble around and work out with my trainer once a week. We are all in the same boat, just different sizes. I love everyone here and many blessings to our often unappreciated caregivers. Hugs, Leah

Dear Kimmie: You have had more than any one person should have to handle in such a short time. I am so sorry for your loss and your new physical problems. It's very hard to "start over"; I've had experience in the frustrations and what if's especially after my fall and broken ribs last August. Take it a step at a time and whatever you do don't give up. I have made improvements but it is slow-going. When I lost my mom, my therapist told me there is no rules for grieving. Everyone grieves in their own way and their own time. That helped me...there are no "shoulds". And you have a lot to grieve, besides Andy. Writing things down has also helped me so I could see in black and white everything I had to digest at the same time. I'm glad to see you back on the boards. I would have replied sooner, but my 'puter was broke for over a week. I think of you a lot. I can promise you, things will get better even on the days you don't think they will. I read a saying somewhere I really like: WWhen the heart grieves for what is lost, the spirit rejoices over what it has left". You now have a lot of family who I hope helps you in this part of your journey. Love and Hugs, Leah

Sue: You are one tough, amazing lady. God is certainly on your side. I don't know how you did it. Before my stroke, I cared for my mom in a facility, did volunteer week had several mtsgs a week, etc, etc. It went so easy for me but now I hardly have energy to dress and eat. At least I can do it. Hugs to you, Leah

Stessie: Ditto to previous posts. I don't know how you get that strong inner strength either. I keep hearing when the student is ready, the teacher will appear. Well, I'm ready. Keep on trucking Stessie...you are an inspiration to us all. Hugs, Leah :hug:

Ken: Every stroke and every recovery is different. I had core pain for a year or so after I stroked. Now I have what I call neuropathy in both legs below the knees. Sometimes it is more bothersome than other times. I've tried everything and the only thing that works when it gets bad is, like Fred, pain meds. I don't take many or even every day anymore so at least my head is clearer. I have come to the conclusion that I just have to live with it and for that I am not happy (almost 5 yrs post stroke).

Fred: you're right where I am. I look at something and say that needs cleaned, thrown away, straightened out, etc. but physically I can't do it and of course like others I tire out. My husband is tired of me telling (suggesting?) what needs done. He has his own schedule Right now is NOT a good time. Good luck to you. More later...Leah :bouncing_off_wall:

Time for an update. My spinal stenosis pain is miraculously still gone (I hope for good) plus I am off my regular doses of pain meds. The doctors said this just doesn’t happen! No doubt guardian angel is at work! So except for neuropathy in my hands and feet which I’ve had since the stroke, I’m pain free for the first time in a looong time. My husband says I look better and my eyes and mind are clearer. :bouncing_off_wall: Now I have to deal with COPD. :yeahrite: I think it is from being on a ventilator for so long after my stroke which was acerbated when I fell and broke some ribs which punctured my lung. This resulted in “restricted pulmonary lung”. I’ve had a full lung function test and have a RX for an inhaler with albuterol. Don’t know how well this is working yet; I don’t want to use it as often as they say I can because the albuterol causes me to be shaky. Meanwhile, I am continuing with 1# weights for my arms. :Clap-Hands: My trainer gave me the exercises, 5 of them, and I’m up to 12 reps. 3 set too times a week. I hope to be up to 2# weights within a couple weeks. My trainer recommended a physical therapist who she has known a long time. I have an appt. tomorrow with him tomorrow. He will evaluate me and advise me what leg exercises, abs, etc. I can do so we don’t “wake up” my stenosis. I still have faith that I will be back to driving before too long especially because “with faith, all things are possible.” Bye for now, Leah :hiya:

great post Lenny and something I try to remember. A couple years ago I made a gratitude list of what I still COULD do and wow that woke me up. From being in a coma and being paralyzed to moving with a walker and being able to talk, swallow (no feeding tube), breathe on my own and have a God who give me faith that I can get better. I'm a cat with 9 lives! I now have COPD ever since I fell and punctured (collapsed) a lung, but I am not on oxygen 24 hrs a day; just at nite. I have just started working with 1# arm weights - I am doing the best that I can do and that is all God wants. Hugs to you all. Leah

Dear Karen: I am so sorry for you and Bill. I agree with Asha and Sue. Take it a day, an hour or a minute at a time. Think of pleasant things and memories and stay close to Bill and tell him you love him every day. My step-father died of pancreatic cancer and he didn't tell my mother that he had loved her. That was the worst of the worst. Encourage Bill to talk about anything he wants to if he does. And, yes, continue to pray that God gives you both strenth to go through what is ahead. I will continue to pray for both of you. God Loves you. Hugs, Leah

Dean: You sure did a lot of research on gait. I had a bi-lateral brain-stem stroke which I lived thru but my gain is off, mainly left side affected. The videos helped me a lot. I think I need to pay more attention to heal-toe movement and exercise by walking slower to get it "right". My neuro said my brain isn't communicating with my left leg muscles to pull the leg up but I'm still working on trying to prove him wrong. Thanks for posting. Leah

Hi Sue: Thanks for the encouragement. My trainer(she is not a physical therapist)always encourages me and tells me I CAN get back to where I was. What's the saying ... something like slow wins the race? I just can't push myself. I know that the body and brain need rest to heal. Today is a rest day. I'm waiting for a RX from my neuro for a couple sessions with a physical therapist so my trainer knows what she can and should do with me. We don't want to awaken my spinal stenosis. What I am doing now is upper body strength and I feel a difference already. It is SO hard to be patient. But it's God's time, not mine. I hope you aches have healed from your recent fall. BTW You rock too!!! :You-Rock: Hugs Leah