Mary Jo

Dear Jean: My love to you and your family. It is a difficult time for you. I just went through my Stepdads Death. It is not the same as your loss, but I have great empathy for what you are going through.

Katrina, Your poems are very good. You Dated the first one May 5. What year was it. At 16 you have gone through so much. You have a lot to offer because of all the journeys you have already taken. Many people here will learn from you. Please keep posting and blogging. :giggle: Sincerely, Mary Jo

:Clap-Hands: I usually love Thursdays and today was good. Hanna our paid caregiver comes at 11:00 am and stays til 3:00 pm. Today I went to an AA meeting and got there about 11:20. I was able to visit with many of the people that I have come to know over the past three years. Many of the AA members at this particular meeting, go every day M-Friday, so they know each other a lot better than I do. Sometimes I am able to go twice a week. I am not a shy person by any means, but I have been rather reserved. Today felt a lot different for me. There were two women that asked me to sit with them. It felt so good. I have been asked to share many times and I always do. Today the topic at the meeting was "Emotional Sobriety." I wasked asked to share. This is a little summary of my share. "Emotional Sobriety in my opinion, is 99% of sobriety the other 1% is actually not picking up and drinking that glass of wine. Our mind and emotions are the biggest factor. We have so much learning to do to about ourselves, our lives, our losses, our loves, our resentments and our triggers. So staying sober to me will always be knowing who I am, what I am doing and why I am doing it. You could say that it is ""Mind over Matter."" Mind, being the Emotion and Matter being the Wine." This is rather simplified because there is a lot of work that needs to be done to keep me and others like me sober. The work is simple, you reach out and help another person that walks into a meeting and wants what I have, Sobriety. I am so grateful for Alcoholics Anonymous. I am so grateful to have this site to come too. We have many similar goals. We are here to help each other. We are here to help get through today. Another good thing about today: I went and got a new cell phone. Now for some of you this might not sound like much, but for me it was a big deal. Bill and I always did these things together. We bought our cell phones in 2002. We signed a two year contract like everyone does. Well my phone finally quit. For two weeks I was using Bill's phone. I thought about changing my number to his phone, but I just couldn't do it. I knew that doing that would make him feel like one more thing had been taken away from. He doesn't use his phone and it would be cheaper to have only one phone on the service. But I knew it was a big thing for him. So I went to the Sprint store expecting a to find a "car dealership sales staff mentality." :im stupid: Once I was in the store I remembered when Bill & I were there and what a pleasant experience it was. I got a new phone with the same service and he still has "His Phone." From the Sprint store to the Dress Barn. It was right next door :giggle: . I picked up a cute pair of light blue denim capris with embroidery around the scalloped hem and a cute bouse. That took me all of 15 minutes. Next the grocery store and home by 2:55. Tonight I fixed stuffed pork chops for dinner and peach custard pie for desert. We watched "Ugly Betty" and what a good day it was for me. Bill was very pleased with the day too. Here it is midnight. Time to sign off.

:head_hurts: Today is Tuesday. I love Tuesday, it makes me feel like I can start the week. The gardeners come on Tuesdays. I feel lucky to be able to have them. After Bill's stroke, the kids & I took turns or helped each other with the yard work. Bill & I always kept the yards looking beautiful. They still look very manicured. Bill & I worked together for over 30 years and planted every shrub and tree here. I miss those times so much. Those were some of our best times. Now I can't even get him to go outside. I do all the planting of the annuals and maintenance too. Thank goodness I can go outside and find beauty right in my own yard. I can go outside and and always find something to keep me busy. It is my favorite thing to do. It keeps me sane. It is my refuge. Talked to son Billy today. Talk of SDI, Pension, etc. Talked of funerals vs. cremation. I am not sure about Bill's choice. Before he did not want cremation. I do. It is less expense for everyone. It kinda sounds cold, but it really isn't. Lots of thoughts. Didn't talk to Sarah today. Rcv'd email from sister Judy & sister in law Rose. Another appointment for Bill today. This one is for the Urologist. It was a rerun of the last appt. Dr. went over the choices for surgeries for removal of Bill's kidney stone. We did the same thing last appt. It takes a lot out of both of us to get to the Dr. I guess we are one step closer. Just need approval from 3 more Dr.'s before he can be realesed to have the surgery. The biggest thing is that he has to quit taking the blood thinners before surgery and after surgery, which causes a greater risk. Tonight we watched American Idol. We both enjoy it. I am routing for Blake & Jordan. Time for sweet dreams. :cloud9: this looks like a nice soft snuggle

:chat: This is the way I felt when I was at my Mom's with my sisters last week. We hadn't all been together for over a year. We told all the same old stories of childhood that always make my Mom laugh. It was a sad time, but we chose laughter over tears. I haven't quite decided what this Blog will be yet. I am just going to write and it will take it's own form. On Easter Sunday I took Bill to his parents home. I wasn't really invited. It is an odd situation when his family has been in my life for 38 years and somehow they feel I have not been doing my job as Caregiver. How about their jobs as Caregivers. I was hurting a lot when I left him there. I needed to go to the Grocery-Deli to get some food for him while I was gone to my Mom's. When I arrived at the store parking lot I got an overwhelming feeling of wanting to drink. I had to think about what my fellow AA friends have told me to do. What are you thinking about? What are you feeling? Everything I was feeling and thinking about was how I resented his family. I needed to come to terms with those feelings before I could go into that store. Guess what it worked. I won this battle and I have another day of sobriety. I have another day of being the great Caregiver that I am. ( I do have just a few faults) It is almost 1:00 am and I need to say goodnight. :hug:

Yesterday I made my first entry. I didn't follow my instructions from Asha very closely. I wrote again and tried to remember everything I wrote and made the same mistake and lost my writings. It was an important day for my husband and I. I saw a ray of sunshine and together we saw "Moonshine." I may write again about yesterday, another day. Today is another day. I rcv'd that dreaded call of death. My Mom's husband Wally died at 4:00 pmtoday. He was a very good man. He was a wonderful husband to my Mother. We will all miss him dearly. My mother will be lost. I Love You, Wally.