ksaul

Stroke Survivor - female
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Blog Entries posted by ksaul

  1. ksaul

    I've given in

    By ksaul,

    Yesterday i gave in......i canceled my membership at my local ymca. yesterday i gave in.....i will no longer take 3 hour art workshops. yesterday i gave in......i will get some help with housework. and so forth......
     
    I have NOT however, given up!!! I will do what i can when it comes to exercise each day. I will continue to draw and paint as i desire and the classes I choose to take will be in a series and with limited hours. I have set up a schedule with a young woman in the neighborhood to help me twice a month with floors and such.
     
    I am tired of fighting myself.
     
    I wrote in my last blog about searching for the middle ground in recovery......yet in the back of my mind i still believed I could...with much effort......do things in my pre-stroke way. I know some survivors go back to work, go to school, resume hobbies and take water exercise and lift weights. Yeah for them!!!!! I, however am not one of those survivors. I have to face it. It is a painful realization but I am not going to get my stamina back. Of course I am 500% better than I was 3.5 years ago and I am grateful. I have challenged myself and re-challenged myself on so many things. I have set up ...in my mind....my success plans and gone at them full tilt. First in leaps and then in baby steps. If i am going to live my life as a survivor who enjoys her second chance I need to give up my idea that being a hard worker with a positive, can-do attitude change my stroke outcome. All that does is is let me down and lead to tears and depression. oh, i will always be a positive person.....i was before my stroke. I will always want to try new things.....the world is one big interesting place. Yet over the past weeks I have become more accepting and sanguine about my limits in life. I think acceptance is a journey of degrees and I am feeling more comfortable at the moment.
     
    with that I will sign off And, remember the days are getting longer! kathy
     

  2. ksaul

    FINDING THE MIDDLE GROUND

    By ksaul,

    i am begining to think, at least for me, there is some sort of cycle involved with my stroke and my physical well being. maybe i am way off here......i don't know. i have always been a focused person and enjoyed exercise and creative activity. i did rehab with 100% plus of myself, and i want to do as much as possible to live my life to the fullest. i also know the old kathy is long gone and i am a bit more delicate LOL these days. i know if i go to my water exercise class i can only do half the class and that is it for the day......in turn, if i go to drawing class or to the doctor or out to dinner i know i must make these things my only activity for the day and i will plan a day of rest for after. so i feel i am being very concious of my limited stamina. what i have found happening is i still get...out of the blue...exhausted. i still have nerve pain that haunts me daily along with muscle spasms that gets to me now and again but i try to keep a positive outlook. i have many joys in my life...my pets, my outside birds, friends, grandson, art etc. yet i still get down and have crying bouts.
     
    i know it is all stroke related and that helps.....but the middle ground i need to find in living my life fully seems elusive at best. i want and need to do the things i do..... and i try to do them senseibly. my sister suggested i consider keeping a journal of how i am feeling each day and my activities. does anyone else do this? does it help in warding off the exhaustion or blues? or even help you know you may be in for a down time?
     
    maybe there is no answer and it is just another part of the stroke demon i need to deal with........thanks, kathy
  3. ksaul
    well,it is 2009...seems like i was just waiting for 2000 yesterday. it will be a good year. i try to think of every cold day as one day closer to spring and being able to get outside again. ice is my new enemy.... :Tantrum: it is so scary and i am afraid of falling. maybe i will get mt. boots with cleats or something.....that should be a real fashion statement. right now i just stay inside.
     
    i am happy to report my eyebrow is growing in...my hubby is glad too. he said i had a jack nickelson look when i tried to fill the brow in. and i thought he never paid me any mind these days. :Scratch-Head:
     
    barry is off to florida for ten days on tuesday. i know i will be okay...and i will be busy. i restarted water exercise class at the Y. the first time i was so wiped out i spent the next day and a half in bed. now i have a new plan....go and do twenty minutes and quit. do this until i can build up to thirty minutes and quit.....keep at it until i can do the whole class. just getting ready to go to the class, the noise of the pool and getting showered and redressed and home is major work. so my plan is do what i can...anything is better than no exercise. this by the way, is major stroke acceptance stuff for me..... :Nodding:
     
    i am taking a really cool landscape drawing class. really challenges my grey matter..lol. it is also a big class and i do not like groups. i loose my focus sometimes but plan to finish the course. i really wanted to take a chinese painting workshop that was being offered. it was a two day workshop of 5 hours a day. again, major acceptance step..i said it was too much for me. :Nodding: a 2 hour class once a week wipes me out...but you know, i had to work through the facts that i am not capable of such adventures anymore.
     
    i get so much of my strength from the people here on site. i really do not think i would be where i am now in my recovery if i hadn't had the support of my cyber friends. i hope this coming year i will be able to offer support to others in the same manner i have been supported. kathy
     

  4. ksaul

    2008 is ending

    By ksaul,

    it is a relief to say that Christmas is over. Everyone around the condos all seem to share the letdown caused by the expectations we all have of the perfect family holiday. Ours was fine...i was amazed and, almost appalled, at the number of expensive gifts our grandson Connor received. Perhaps I was just overwhelmed by the day but things were certainly different when i was a kid. gee, i swore i would never say that.
     
    i have been reading posts and blogs this morning and am thinking of the issues members have coming up or are going through. Hospital tests, procedures, family fights, anniversary dates and season depression.......and i am touched by the strength of the human spirit and the depth of love a person can have for another.
     
    sue's blog about not to worry about tomorrow really touched me. i am so much more fearful of the future than i was pre stroke. i am starting to realize that i expend too much emotional energy in this area. i worry about money and what will happen if something happens to my hubby. he was not a planner and without his pension (which stops when he does) i will have just my ssdi. he always saw me as strong, working and self-sufficient. i can make myself nutsy over the situation and now i realize that what happens will happen. i need to let go of what i have no control over.
     
    my sister gave me a Y membership for christmas and wants me to try to get back in the water and exercise. i am going to try, but i am going to pace myself and try not to overdo. i still have a very hard time accepting that i do not have the stamina that i used to. i push myself and then get tired and once i am tired i just get emotional and go down hill from there. i have been thinking about this cycle i set up and put myself through; i am trying to learn to say no to others and stop to myself. it goes against my basic personality which was always living life to the fullest and being a doer. somehow i have to moderate and live my life to its fullest within the parameters of my stroke without being defined by the stroke.
     
    i am so grateful for my cyber friends and family here. it is often their wisdom and humor that help me over a rough spot. i know now that my family will never understand my stroke.......and i am begining to accept this so, i have come to rely on the support here at strokenet.
     
    so, as the old year comes to an end and we look forward to 2009, i wish everyone health, happinnes and love in their lives and a special wish for peace in the world. kathy
  5. ksaul
    Our neighbors are having their annual Christmas open house later today for friends and family. We are invited and since they live in the condo across from us it does not seem too far to travel. We really have been blessed in finding a place with such great neighbors. Anyhow, I started getting ready last night...pick clothes out ( gee, what looks festive with black sneakers and afo? ) checked out my holiday reindeer head gear that lights up and plays music and waxed my brows. I am still not sure what, or how I did this, but I now have only 1.5 eyebrows! I guess I over estimated waxing area and once applied you must follow through. If I was in my twenties, this would be soooo tragic that I would not go to the party........today, however, I am wondering if my reindeer antlers combined with a Rudolph nose would cause folks to overlook my beauty error. Nah, I guess i will just resort to the brow pencil and smile a lot!
     
    We lost power with our snow storm Friday and I missed out on the cyber Christmas party. Bummer! I hope everyone had a good time. We all went to bed early and read by book lights.....we really only got about 10 inches but it was beautiful in the morning. The birds were all over the feeders. I was standing by the window watching them feed when a red tail hawk swooped into the yard - his wing actually hit our bedroom window. In one second the yard was clear of all wildlife! I watched the hawk where he perched in a oak tree for a bit and then flew off.
     
     
    I made my rum cake last night to take to the party today.....smells so good! My hubby keeps circling the counter where I am going through my glazing process......I told him my eyesight may not be what it was, but I will know if he makes a move on my baking masterpiece!
     
     
    I have come to believe that having a stroke makes us more sensitive and emotional. There are times when I simply feel overwhelmed by life and find myself crying for no apparent reason. I know if I get over tired I am more likely to spiral downward.......I guess at times we just have to work at being positive and happy...sorta the old fake it till you make it thing.
     
     
     
    I probably won't blog till after christmas and so I wish you all a good holiday filled with joy and peace! cheers! kathy
  6. ksaul

    let it it snow!

    By ksaul,

    we are back in New England for sure! We are expecting our first nor'easter since our return from florida in January. The cold really increases my pain...but i have to admit i still get excited when mother nature shows off! I always have been a bit of a weather junkie and this is neat so close to christmas. Of course the merchants are probably upset with a blizzard occuring the last week-end before christmas. :yikes: maybe that means people don't need to buy more "stuff". Right after chat yesterday Barry and I went to Walmart to buy a snow shovel. We live in a condo with maintenance but he wants to be sure that snow around the house is taken care of. Anyhow, the place was mobbed! I went into my "deer in the headlights" mode and just wanted to leave. I simply cannot take all the stimulation of big stores. I do okay in our local drugstore if i have a small list, but for the most part I don't shop. Thank goodness for online businesses for gift giving purchases.
     
    Now i have to go prepare my bird feeders and bird spa for the coming storm. I am going help Barry make soup and then I plan to finish painting and decorating three boxes to hold magical reindeer food for christmas eve. l am blessed to be back home with our kids this Christmas and also recently learned that New Jersey has a elf staff in residence.
     
    Hope we don't loose power...better go check the battery supply! cheers! kathy
     

  7. ksaul

    the parental unit visit

    By ksaul,

    my mom and dad left yesterday after a 8 day visit. it rained for 6 of the days so we really just hung out. my
    parents are both 81 and they took the train from colorado to come visit. my dad said they wanted to try something
    new! dad is having problems walking and my mom...this kills me.....is in a brain fog. dad is really doing most things for her. so we chatted, looked at pictures and i introduced them to wii. we also took some drives, in the rain, to look at the shore and christmas lights. the first two days they were here i was so stressed, i just kept going in the bathroom and crying. my dad believes i should be working....he said several times "i looked okay" to him. sound familar? mom told me i needed to loose some weight (she is right, but gee) then things and I settled down.
     
    connor came to visit and they were taken with their great great grandson. it was a good visit all in all and i feel blessed to still have them in my life...it was great to get our bed back cause sleeping on our pull-out was torture.
     
    we have two holiday shindigs to go to this year.....life has slowed down. we have two very elderly ladies in our condo group and my neighbor barb and i are having a lovely time being secret santas to them. barry and i also did our yearly dress a doll...who is really a child. we choose a teen-ager this year. on her list was toothpaste, socks and hair shampoo. they give you sizes and color choices and we did from undies to coat.we are so very lucky and it is hard to realize what children do without or how many go to bed hungry every night. anyhow, off my bandstand. it was fun to do...
     
    it is getting ready to snow here and i am considering a late afternoon nap. hope to see everyone at our party on friday night! :bouncing_off_wall:

  8. ksaul
    my husband likes christmas. he hangs up his cranky attitude in december and everywhere he goes he wears his red velveteen hat with the big white pom pom. the thing is he has a pure white beard and a tummy of some substance and he often causes a stir with little children. yesterday he was walking our dog sasha around the our condo in his red vest wearing "the hat". he noticed two little kids jumping up and down in our neighbor charlotte's the picture window. their grandmother opened the front door and out came the visiting grand kids yelling santa, santa! of course barry played along and even got sugar cookie - Sasha did not have her reindeer antlers on so she was not taken for donnor or blitzen. charlotte came over later and said that santa's impromptu visit was a huge hit. in the 28 years i have known barry he has always worn "the hat", but since his beard turned white he manages to cause a commotion or two every december. hmmmmm, i wonder if our grandson will think he has an in with the north pole folks?
    well, we put up our wreath, decorated the mantle and barry found our two foot "charlie brown" fiber optic christmas tree and put it on the buffet. along with candles in the window my decorating is complete. i used to really do up the house but i am pretty much happy with simple these days.
    my folks arrive tomorrow by train for a week's visit. they are both in their eighties so i am lucky to have them so healthy. i am so trying not to stress cause they really do not understand my stroke. they are in their own world. i need to relax and not worry about everything being perfect. i am just getting over a cold and have not been able to do much of the getting ready i wanted.
    our condo is quite small so we are giving them our bedroom cause they can have their own bath and we will sleep on the pullout in the computer room. barry is already crabbing...he needs to wear his happy hat 24/7.
    we have about 5 inches of snow and it is still coming down hard. like most survivors the cold is awful hard on me . my right hand and arm are still causing me a lot of pain. i called the doctor and have an appointment at the end of january...by that time it will either be better or have fallen off. LOL
    so, on that note i will sign off and wish everyone a happy holiday season. kathy

  9. ksaul
    okay, the house is sold, inspected, appraised, found to be termite free, movers arranged and about 60 boxes packed.....so the move progresses. my big problem at the moment is where did i put my brain? :tired: i cannot keep track of anything - i wonder if i packed it with my shoes? i make a list at night of next day 'to do" things and loose the list over night! i cannot seem to really stay focused on anything. i am really tired, which increases my pain, yet i keep going until the whining, cry baby kathy comes out. :yucky: yuck! i need to step back and remember i need to pace myself! will i EVER learn this lesson? i promised myself to visit other chats and get to know more members in 2008 and have a few laughs --i think i am going to put that on hold until i get settled.
    the weather here has cooled off and it is quite pleasant.....a wonderful change from months of unrelenting heat and humidity. i have been asked many times this past week why anyone would move back to the frozen north in january. what a stellar question! for myself the move is part of responding to my husband's wish to move. i guess my real desire is once moved, my husband will be happier and begin to engage in life again. my concern is knowing wherever we go we take ourselves and i am not sure moving is the answer to his issues. i so wish he could come to terms with his anger regarding my stroke. it would help make life much better for both of us.
    in the meantime my furry family have their paws in a twist! my dog wants me to feed her kibble by hand and my independent cats are either under my feet or on my lap demanding the attention due them. life is good. so, with that thought only 14 days till blast off. :yikes: cheers!
  10. ksaul
    it is the day after thanksgiving and i guess now the shopping season has offically begun. i am done with my holiday gifts, but still have a bit of baking to do. i watched with amazement on tv this morning as people lined up at 4 a.m. to shop. i have never done that, although i remember driving to boston when andy was a little boy for some lego set he had his heart set on.
     
    i made turkey sugar cookies for connor's daycare last week...using candy corns around the cookie top for the tail....they turned out cute.....tasty too! bad me. thanksgiving day went well - everyone was either getting a cold or getting over a cold and all that hugging and kissing....i hope i don't catch anything!.i made pies for the dinner and they were yummy. i do love to bake. it is strange how the things stroke took from me creep up and smack me when least expected.......peeling and dicing apples and mixing a thick pie filling was impossible so i had to get a helper. now that my hand and arm are so painful i am asking for help with more household chores. i plan to call the doc on monday cause my arm is practically numb......trying not to panic....i have signed up for a 6 week drawing class and a one day water color workshop so i gotta get this paw working right!!!!
     
    i watched the best movie last night called the peaceful warrior. it is based on a true story about a young athlete who thought he would find happiness when he won the olympics. of course life conspired against him and he learned that happiness is now and within us in the moment. it was good show and not sappy, but a reminder to stay focused and not let our minds get ahead of ourselves.
     
    holidays are such a mixed bad...the good, the bad and the ugly........i know we all have some sort of challege during"this most wonderful time of the year" so i am wishing everyone the best...peace.kathy
  11. ksaul

    just snap out of it!

    By ksaul,

    two weeks from today is thanksgiving......hard to beleive. the heat is on in the house so i know winter has arrived. spent the last two days trying to kick some dark feelings....as maria always says, i was trying to snap out of it. well, i didn't snap, but i kept plodding on and it got better. i am begining to think that the black depression cloud will come and hover regularly in my life. i am getting to know it and understand it better and that, in turn, helps me from getting overwhelmed.
     
    i finished my eight week art class and plan to frame my first water color...now the question will be if my husband will let me hang it up! taking the class was a huge challenge and i was totally scared to go. looking back i am very please i pushed myself...not because of my completed masterpiece...lol.....but it did challenge my brain and helped me to see things better, follow instructions and try something totally new. i plan to sign up for the new session in january and am looking forward to improving. as i said before, i really don't have much talent but i am enjoying the creative process!
     
    the holloween spider cupcakes for connor's daycare were a big hit and so i am planning to make the cutest turkey cookies using candy corn for the tail feathers. that reminds me...when i was working at our local nutrition office years ago i once asked a 4 year boy what his favorite veggie was and his answer was candy corn! lol
     
    planning to spend thanksgiving dinner with our daughter amy. lots of hubby's family coming including hubby's former wife....the kid's real mom. technically i am a stepmom but have been in their lives for 29 years. now that we are back in new england i know the holidays will always be this way. we get along okay but there are times i feel like i am on a movie set in california. oh well, life is short and our main focus is the children.....i just hope my hair looks okay that day :hairy: . so, with these thoughts i sign off and wish everyone a good turkey day. kathy
     

  12. ksaul

    boo

    By ksaul,

    now i remember why we thought florida might be a good place to retire......it is quite chilly here! i just installed my heated birdbath for the winter months and added a new bird feeder to the others - kathy's spa is bird ready. i also hung up two rattan like pods that are hollow for the birds to have some protection beyond just trees and bushes as it grows colder. in a fit of recycling frenzy i picked up the dog hair from sasha's latest brushing and lined the bottom of the pods. should be, warm, soft and cozy.
    we are all ready for holloween here. connor will be a dinosoar this year...purple no less. i just spent the afternoon making 2 dozen mini cupcake spiders for his daycare party. they turned out great but icing and decorating one handed is a challenge. the spider legs - made of black licorice strands were a real humdinger to do! i only lost one cupcake...guess that spider went up drain spout......
    i have always tried to make at least one of my holiday presents and this year i am sewing pillow cases. sport themes for guys, animal themes and frilly for others. they are turning out okay and i am feeling creative.......which leads me to the article on art therapy in the last newsletter. i signed up for a drawing and water color class at our local tech. my first project was a teapot. well, it did look like a tea pot but it was quite lopsided......gee! that was what my brain saw. the same side affected by my stroke on the drawing was off. that was a big eye opener for me....now i am really challenging the old grey matter. i drew an apple with colored pencils and am now working on a fall watercolor scene complete with barn and trees. i am really no good but i am having a blast AND it got me out into a new place...something i don't much like to do.
    i had a real sad rough spot during october but with some help from my cyber friends and especially kimmie, i was able to bounce back pretty well. i finally realized that when i get tired i just don't do well at all and go down hill from there. the issue is how to participate in life as fully as i can and still live to tell about it! lol. going to the library, a friend's party for an hour or an afternoon with the grandson just sucks every bit of life out of me. it is very hard to accept that if i want to play i will always have to pay. i am not sure there is a balance...if i do something all my energy is gone.
    i know that asha blames me for her week of single parenthood...well, she should know that since i did okay when barry went on his trip he is now planning 10 days in florida this january. i know i will be okay...i will just stock up on cereal and tell asha not to tell her hubby.
    happy holloween to all....may it be safe and scarey!
  13. ksaul
    as usual the days fly by....i noted my third stroke anniversary on september 16th......looking back over these past years i see how far i have come. i have always been of the mindset, work hard enough and reach the goal. hard work is the answer to post stroke recovery up to a point and then a change of view and compassion for oneself is required. the actual day passed quietly......my sister and mom were visiting from colorado and we did girl stuff like lunch and facials. i guess time and attitude adjustments all help make life better for us, for our friends and family. i can mark the point when life began to improve for me post stroke...it was the day i found this site and realized that i was not alone :blah_blah: and there were people who really did understand my loss, fears and grief. thank-you! on another note, barry is back from his travels and yep, i managed pretty well while he was gone. i did eat quite a bit of cereal for dinner but i am a poor cook at the best of times. not to mention i shy away from stoves and other potentially harmful objects. when barry got home i did spend some serious down time cause i was pooped beyond belief. :tired: the hard part about being alone is being bone tired and then still having to do tasks. for some odd reason, when i was alone, i felt i needed to get my hair cut but i was unable to drive. now, often i get an idea in my head these days and i am totally focused on it. so i decided to trim my hair myself......warning, DO NOT ATTEMPT THIS AT HOME...especially when youv'e only one hand and less than perfect eye sight. i am happy to report it was repairable when my friend took me to the hair salon...but it is a bit shorter than usual.
     
    it is raining for the third day straight as i write this....rather oppressive......i am looking forward to the fall months and the upcoming holidays. :party: it will be good to be back with family during these occasions.
     
    not much else going on.......cheers! kathy
  14. ksaul

    it is a meditation

    By ksaul,

    :Hi: well, summer is almost offically over. here on cape cod that means a flood of holiday makers hitting the road to celebrate labor day. :yikes: both bridges have up to 8 miles of traffic back up and it is only thursday. barry and i have already implemented our standard method of surviving.....lay in supplies and stay off the roads! :Munch: :bookread: soon the traffic will l thin and my favorite month of october will arrive. i love the cooler weather and the fall colors along 6A are lovely....not to mention most vacationers are gone.
     
    my tomotaoe harvest continues and i have been sharing with my neighbors. i have started planting mums along the border of our front lawn patch of land. planting and weeding is like a meditation....as i plant my focus is in the moment,on what i am doing and my mind clears. i can only do a bit at a time and planting one handed can be challenging but i love the time i spend with the plants. sasha, my furry companion, sits by and soaks up the sun and for a few minutes i find all is right with the world.

    i met my new cardiologist yesterday and feel we will get on just fine....i have to do all the tests to make sure my ticker is ticking as it should......and so far my new parts appear to be working well. when i asked about having to replace my current valve replacement my doc said they can last between 7 to 10 years. yipee! :big_grin: i can put that out of my mind for a bit. i also followed up this week with my primary doc and we got all the paperwork started for all those yearly exams that are required.
     
    i am searching in my local area for a painting class. i have always wanted to give it a try. i have taken drawing and sculpture (none of which i do well ...but have given me joy) : :artist: found an easel at a yard sale and just got inspired......will see were this leads.
     
    hubby will be leaving in 9 days for a 2 week trip in england. my sister will visit for 6 days and then i will hang out on my own. like donna, i have been training for his time away.....not only myself, but the furry children, who can be very demanding. that is about it in my neck of the world. having some good days...some not so good days and doing the best i can cheers! kathy
  15. ksaul
    WOW! IT HAS BEEN MONTHS ...LITERALLY......SINCE I BLOGGED. I MANAGED TO GET A YEAR OLDER.....I HAD A NICE BIRTHDAY IN JUNE. I SPENT MOST OF JULY SICK WHICH INCLUDED TWO TRIPS TO THE ER AND I AM HAPPY TO SAY ALL THAT IS BEHIND ME NOW.
     
    IT HAS BEEN A QUIET SUMMER AT OUR HOUSE. WE PLANTED SOME VEGGIES IN BIG BUCKETS ON OUR PATIO AND HAVE BEEN ENJOYING TOMATOES, CUKES AND SQUASH. IT IS SO GREAT TO HAVE A TOMATOE THAT TASTES LIKE IT SHOULD AND NOT CARDBOARD.
     
    OUR BIRDS HAVE BEEN A REAL SOURCE OF PLEASURE FOR ME WITH HUMMERS, CARDINALS, TITMICE, FINCHES AND SUCH. OUR DOG SASHA HAS MADE IT HER LIFE'S PURPOSE TO KEEP SQUIRRELS AWAY FROM THE FEEDERS. SHE TAKES HER JOB DESCRIPTION SERIOUSLY AND IS DOING A GREAT JOB. :Clap-Hands:
     
    i DID MY FIRST BIT OF FLOWER GARDENING SINCE I STROKED AND HAVE ENJOYED CARING FOR WHAT THE PREVIOUS OWNER PLANTED. WE HAVE TO KEEP OUR EYES OPEN BECAUSE A FAMILY OF DEER LIVE IN THE WOODS AND FIND EVERTHING PLANTED AROUND THE CONDOS TASTY DELIGHTS. :licklips:
     
    AS MANY OF YOU KNOW, MY SISTER GOT HER RN THIS MONTH....AT AGE 53. :thumbup: :doctor: I AM SO TOTALLY PROUD OF HER! SHE WAS BY MY SIDE FOR THE FIRST THREE MONTHS AFTER MY STROKE AND BECAUSE SHE WAS A LPN I GOT SPRUNG FROM REHAB EARLIER THAN EXPECTED. SHE DID ALL THE MAINTENANCE AND CHANGING OF MY PIK LINE. SO ANYHOW, SHE IS COMING OUT FOR A WEEK IN SEPTEMBER AND BRINGING MY MOM...WHO JUST TURNED 8O. THE PLAN IS TO DO GIRL STUFF LIKE FACIALS AND NAILS AND SHOP A BIT AND, MORE THAN LIKELY DRINK A FEW MARGARITAS! :cocktail: :cocktail: :cocktail: ( I WILL ONLY NEED TO SMELL ONE AND I WILL BE GIDDY.
     
    THE OTHER BIG EVENT IS MY HUSBAND HAS A 2 WEEK TRIP PLANNED LATER IN SEPTEMBER AND I WILL BE ON MY OWN. I AM A BIT NERVOUS BUT I KNOW I CAN DO THIS....I JUST NEED TO PACE MYSELF AND ASK FOR HELP IF I NEED IT. I NEVER WOULD HAVE GUESSED I WOULD BE SO SANGUINE ABOUT STAYING BY MYSELF. :Nodding:
     
    THAT IS ABOUT IT FOR ME. SEPTEMBER 16TH WILL MARK MY THIRD STROKE ANNIVERSARY. I KNOW SO MANY PEOPLE TOLD ME TIME WOULD HELP.....AND THEY WERE RIGHT. STROKE WAS NOT ON MY LIFE'S AGENDA AND YEP, IT SUCKS BIG TIME........I WOULD LOVE TO HAVE MY OLD LIFE BACK BUT I REALIZE THAT IS NOT IN THE CARDS, SO FOR THE MOST PART I FIND I AM CONTENT.
     
    AND THAT IS IT........WISHING EVERYONE THE BEST. KATHY
  16. ksaul
    we all hear about people taking some one's id these days. well, someone tried to take part of mine in the form of using my debit card. thankfully the bank caught it and the purchases did not go through. i did have to destroy my old card and apply for a new one. bad timing as i am going out to indianna on wednesday to stay with my aunt for a few weeks. guess these things never happen at the ideal time. i am not too crazy about this trip and i feel like i got conned into it.. first, i hate being away from home and the airport is not my friend. the story is too long and convoluted to explain how this whole situation even came about...we will drive back ...that is my aunt will. she is 79 and i think my job will be to keep her from falling asleep at the wheel. anyhow, it will all be over by mid june and i will just have to make the best of it. :Argh:
     
    on a happy, happy note connor's birthday was a total groove! :happybday: i made him an elmo cake of his own and another for guests. they both turnned out well --when connor exclaimed "elmo" upon seeing his cake i was in grandma heaven. he got way too many gifts but i think that will always be the case with an only --and dearly wanted --child. as long as he learns to share all will be well. i tried to post a pic of the cake...i am so computer challenged!
     
    my furry child sasha dog was limping last week and has been off her food lately...took her in to the vet for her annual shots a bit early --was shocked to learn she tested positive for lymes. very upset as we treat her monthly for heartworm and with frontline for ticks. she is now on antibiotics and will be monitored closely. i think we caught it in the early stage! the vet bill is astronomical!! :yeahrite: but what can you do? i just want her to be better.
     
    not too much else going on here. have my ups and downs as usual. i am soooo tired ...but i really feel the pollen levels are partly to blame. have not been on the message board too often and i miss keeping up - lately i just don't get many of the things i want to do done....and life still goes on!
     
    wishing everyone a happy and peaceful week! kathy

  17. ksaul
    wow! another week has flown by. when i first stroked i would sit in a chair and wonder what i was going to do all day. these days i feel my days are pretty full. granted i spend time resting, days when my "parts don't work" i lie low, nap and read and yes, it takes so much longer to do things....but i no longer look at the day as empty. i guess it really is up to each of us how we use the time we are given. of course i am still not moved in completely and some days that makes me nuts and other days i just go with it. i still miss my work but what else is new?
    the woman we bought our condo from did some spectacular flower and bush plantings around the side and front of the unit and in the backyard. i am loving the colors of everthing and have declared war on the weeds in the flower beds! each morning i spend 15 or so minutes on my little chair and yank weeds. i could probably do it all day but my body and the balance needed limits my efforts. it is great to see immeadite results from a task! this morning i got up to check out my hummers and other bird life and was greeted by the iris in bloom! what a lift to the spirit!!
    this coming week-end is connor's birthday party and tomorrow i will go into full scale cake action....i am very excited to try out my elmo skills.
     
    this past week barry and i went to the doctor's together. after my appointment barry had his. i am not sure what went down but our doctor gave him some medication for anxiety----he has always been a high maintenance kind of guy and since the stroke i just don't have it in me anymore. i sometimes think he feels he had the stroke....or i had the stroke to ruin his life......well he started taking the meds and he says he feels less tense......i know for sure he does not raise his voice as much and i think he is a bit more patient with me.......gee, maybe they could double the dose!
     
    that is about it cheers! kathy
  18. ksaul

    life in wareham

    By ksaul,

    [b]well, grampy and i baby sat for connor on friday night so his folks could go out to dinner. we arrived a bit early and were reved up for our duties. after all, being around to do this sort of thing is one of the major reason we moved back north. connor's mom and dad had a nice time out - grampy and grandma played hard for 3 hours! we colored, we read stories, we ate supper, we played with stuffed animals and things that talked and made noise! i had forgotten the energy and demands of a toddler. he is a very good natured and polite child and we had fun,got loads of hugs and kisses .......and, when grampy and i got home we went straight to bed, read our books and were asleep within the hour! i can only hope that we grow in stamina as we spend more time together!
     
    we had one beautiful and sunny day this past week and we are back to the usual new england spring! i have added a nuthatch to my backyard birds - these little guys are so small yet they eat like buffalo! my dad sent me a hummingbird feeder that hooks on to the window for close up viewing. i had a hummer one inch from me this morning having a bit of nector - i could see his heart beating in his tiny chest! what a way to start the day!!!! i am still in the groove!
     
    went and got my new afo last monday --the guy did a great job--but my muscles in my leg are sore like crazy. now that my ribs are healing something has to be going on --or so it seems. i am also getting adjusted to my new pain meds --i am back on the patch and as much as i resent it i know it is what i need --at least for now.
     
    not much else going on --i plan to start practicing with my new wilton icing tip so i can make the fur on connor's elmo cake look furry and yummy......at least it's a sweet job! life goes on and i hope everyone has a good and peaceful week.
  19. ksaul
    here it is the 3rd of may and i have my heat on. this is our 4th day of gloomy weather! i am NOT complaining - i remember how i was sick of the contant sun and heat of florida. well that problem is solved for sure!
    the most thrilling thing here is the arrival of the birds to our backyard. :happydance: i am very excited as i already have had a hummer come to my feeder. i think he is an early arrival - they travel solo - but he has been snacking faithfully each day. i also have a pair of cardinals,a pair of sparrows who appear to be quite smitten with each other and numerous gold finches. i am hoping - don't want to be greedy - that later i can attract baltimore orioles and maybe a carolina wren. i love watching the birds and am thrilled that we found a home where thet will come. now that i no longer have to rush off to work each day i find myself taking my cup of coffee back to bed each morning and watching the bird antics. :coffee: this is a small but very lovely side to not being able to work post stroke.
    my grandson, connor, will be two this month and here we are back in the northeast and able to be part of the celebration. :happybday: he is develpong quite a personality now and his favorite expression is: "i do". now my only concern is, in a moment of (i don't know what), i volunteered to make his birthday cake. my daughter said he loves elmo - so elmo it is. years ago i took several cake decorating classes but that was l--o--n--g ago. now i find toast challenging. well, i have a couple of weeks to figure it out but already my stroke brain has kicked in and i am TOTALLY focused on the project. i drive myself crazy -- i have to remember to have fun with it not go bonkers over it.
    monday i go to pick-up my new afo and i am hoping my ribs and such have healed enough to return to the ymca and water stretch class. so life goes on and i hope spring has begun to touch each of you.....kathy
  20. ksaul

    just checking in

    By ksaul,

    not much happening here. went to the pain clinic this past week --met the new doctor and started to cry! i swear i can't take me out in public anymore. she seems okay but i had really gotten attached to my florida doctor....i guess i did not realize how much! it is pouring rain quite hard today and so the choices to past time are limited. of course there is housework, :cleaning: but as i said the choices are limited. lol. last week we went to the zoo with our grandson connor. it was fun and exhausting! he now can name all the animals and tells us what he wants to see next-----before we know it he will be asking his folks for the car keys! lol. they had two elephants at the zoo and i have always been interested in these animals and thier extensive social structure. while watching them i really felt teary for them being in an enclosed area away from other wild elephants. sometimes i feel that same way about the stroke - that i am in a cage and am looking out at the rest of the "free" world. i must be a slow learner cause i am still dealing with the fact that this stroke stuff is not going away. today i went to get fitted for a new brace at the rehab clinic - i am never keen on going there even though i fit right in! watching patients come and go as i waited i was once again touched by the strength of the human spirit. in all honesty i can say here (nowhere else) that i am still angry about the stroke. yep, i am rebuilding my life and and am blessed with good friends and family --but sometimes i am just plain *beep* at fate! on another subject my ribs and muscles are starting to feel a bit better --i guess they take a bit of time to heal..... :nuhuh: no more bear hugs in this house. that's it for now --take care everyone and have a great week.
  21. ksaul

    that man cracks me up!

    By ksaul,

    well, i am over my blues and i have to thank my strokenet family for the support! the blog last week really helped me put things into perspective. getting down is so tough - i think when i feel gloomy or sorry for myself i am being weak. someday i will really believe that feelings are just part of being human!
    well, i spent most of friday in the er - in a odd moment i asked my husband for a hug - he hugged me and we heard the most awful sound - major pain - found out the hug tore ligaments and some carteledge(sp) in my back - on the affected side which of course is rather weak. good thing i did not ask for anything else. lol! now i am using my heating pad, taking pain pills and must once again practice patience as this will take time to heal. i plan to watch some bad tv and chill out. boring!!!!!
    everything is in bloom here - it is so very lovely! all the color really lifts the soul's spirits. i plan to put my hummingbird feeder up this next week. i was reading that they have begun their migration north and should be arriving soon. yipee! also, we have a little sparrow nesting in a bird box in our back yard area. she is quite busy and pokes her head out several times a day - probably taking a break from her eggs. i was brushing the dog a few days ago and several birds came up to take the hair for nesting. now that is recycling. many snowbirds are returning now from thier winter condos but i wonder with the constant increase in gas prices how busy the cape will be this summer. the ferry to the islands hiked ticket prices by $2 - which is a hefty increase. anyhow, i still have a million things to do to get settled but i will get to them as i can. i hope everyone is having a beautiful spring! cheers! kathy
  22. ksaul

    one of those times!

    By ksaul,

    i guess i am a whiner - seem to be having some tough physical and emotional times these days. being back in my old home area is great --and unexpectedly hard. i worked for years in the plymouth area (my main office) and now live only about a mile from one of my branch offices - actually all five sites that were my responsibility are within a 15 mile area. it seems everywhere i go i am reminded of who and what i was before my stroke. i loved my work and felt i made a small difference in the lives of the families we worked with --and my staff. today i got an email from old staff telling me the woman who took my place is leaving and would i consider asking the agency about returning... nothing i would like better except having escaped the stroke demon. i know i am lucky to be here and i am begining to think acceptance is a daily task. my stroke took the form of a bleed affecting the frontal lobe and my emotions are like going through a hallmark store. every day....i cry so easily and get get confused at the drop of a hat......i have a hard time living with me and i know it is tough on my husband.......who was grumpy before my stroke and now is sad and grumpy......can i blame him. the move has been good with the kids and grandson but daily life has not changed. i have times when i am so anxious and fearful ---i try to breathe and be aware but i feel so much is out of my control. i want to contribute and feel i have a purpose ...i realize i am not alone in this desire....well, seems i lost my sense of humor for a moment but then i was told that blogging helps with getting through the tough spots.....guess this is a bit of a tough spot....sorry
  23. ksaul
    it has been ages since i blogged and i really missed the satisfaction of sorting through thoughts as i wrote. even more, i missed catching up each week with my cyber familiy.
    the move from florida to new england is finished complete with horror story about the moving company --but i won't bore you with details. we were blessed to find a great little one floor condo in a very small 55+ community. we ended up right over the cape cod bridge so i can no longer say i live on the cape but merely say the cape area! snooty! we did a lot of looking but the prices were way beyond our budget for what my husband kept refering to as " a dump". there are still boxes galore in ever room and nope, i have not unpacked my brain yet. actually i am just thinking of leaving it wherever it is.......in the mean time i am fighting my type a tendencies to get everything done, organized and perfect. i honestly wonder if i will ever learn.
    i am so tired my eyeballs hurt - the move has really thrown me in all seriousness. i was doing okay in my small little florida world and then boom.....moving is what living in a wal-mart must be like. everything is new, nothing where it belongs, new people, doctors etc. i have been reminded and, quite rudely, of my mental and physical deficits. when i get right down to it i loved being in my comfort zone and i know i fooled myself into thinking i was pretty much okay much of the time.........this has beena bit like being confronted again with acceptance .......now i ramble.......
    we have seen our kids, and our beautiful grandson connor, many times over the last six weeks and i would make the move again to live near our family.....why did we ever go to florida anyway.....ah yes, winter. well, winter is okay with me as long as i can have those connor hugs and kisses! cheers! kathy

  24. ksaul

    a little of this and that

    By ksaul,

    hi all,
     
    i love fridays as that is the day i try to set aside to read everyone's blog and get caught up on many of my cyber friend's lives. it is snowing to beat the band outside as i write this and i know - like perry - i am going to be a shut in for a bit. it really is lovely - especially when viewed from inside. not too much happening here. we have two weeks till we close on the new house. barry said we will take our time getting settled and then get the perfect things we will need. he knows how much my home means to me as i spend so much time in it nowadays. i am also looking forward to getting to know my new neighbors and making some new friends. then of course there is the thrill of getting to know a new library. yipeee. i must say given the state of the world i feel truely blessed to have a home and such a nice one at that. it is too easy to think about what we don't have and i am very grateful for how this move has turnned out
    i have loved staying here with andy. he has got me into this wii business and i can't say enough about it. it is great for the brain! last night we stayed up late - that's past 8pm for me - and played this totally stupid wii rabbit game. i can't do the two handed games but i give it a try.i can't remember having so much fun and just being relaxed.
    of course i am tired but who wouldn't be? i also am trying to take my pain meds when i need them and not feeling i have to be tough all the time - being tired and all the change has meant tears now and then but everyone has been right - much of the emotional up and down gets better with time. that is it for me - cheers! kathy
  25. ksaul
    as i last posted we made our journey north with safety and success. we have spent the last week looking at houses - now, i thought this would be fun as i am a very nosey person. it turned out to be hard work getting down the condo stairs where we are staying and in and out of the car and into strange houses and then back up the condo stairs! i did not whine :bouncing_off_wall: i did not complain as i had a battle plan - find a house. it is amazing to me what realtors mean when they write "immaculate home", "well cared for ranch house" or"newly remodled condo". needless to say i was annoyed at what we saw and so we went up in price and one town over the cape bridge and bingo! we found our new abode. our offer was accepted on a 2 bedroom, one floor condo in a 55+ community. we see the bankers today - gulp! for a mortgage and have the inspection on tuesday. we hope to close on march the 6th. the place is everything i wanted and more - cheery, small and well set up for birdwatching. i feel truely blessed for finding this place and look forward to making it home.
    i got back to chat this week and had a few moments to check around the site. i so missed my cyber friends and reading postings. i have found that the move north has really increased my pain level and i am taking a bit more meds. last night it snowed and this morning it was -7 outside(big wind chill factor) i know stu and others would consider this balmy but i must now dig around for my polar fleece stuff! LOL
    yesterday morning the whole adventure caught up with my being and i had a long and painful cry, whined and generally felt overwhelmed. after about three hours of thinking i can't do this and other stuff i got my act together and did my sunday chat and - with my hubby's help- made a curry for dinner. it is true that the periods when we crash and burn become fewer and take less time as we progress in our recovery. i realized that i am not as scared as i used to be of the "down" times. i guess they are part of who i am now - anyhow thanks for letting me share - kathy