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leah, i am revisiting your blog....what maria said is true, don't give up on the therapy as it takes time. therapists guide us not tell us. i did therapy for a year and a half after my stroke. be up front with your therapist about your goals and fears to make sure you are on the same page. also, maria is right to say never take beauty tips from me....waxing or otherwise. i am a disaster in the girlie girl department kathy

hey leah, great blog. like donna, i am sending you a big hug. now stop and take a deep breath. our blogs are quite similar this week in searching for balance. stessie reminded me that fatigue and stroke go hand in hand and yet we wonder why we are so tired. i know i do too much, exercises and classes and errands...blah blah. maybe there is still a part of us that refuses to give up our old busy multi -tasking selves. my psychologist used to tell me that when a person is in enough pain they will either change the painful behavior or continue to be miserable. i believe we both may be at that watershed.....it is not like the stroke patrol is out in full force seeing if we are overdoing or not doing...it all comes down to our decision. i guess giving ourselves a break is just plain human kindness.. how come it is so difficult? like donna sai, sometimes it is just taking life a minute at a time! :friends: kathy p.s. you are NOT wacko!

donna, welcome back! cool that you decided to get cable for yourself.....there is nothing like a a really good show to take you away at times. a person can only read so much! now that you are back to work just remember to pace yourself....you are not getting overtime pay. LOL cheers! kathy

stessie, such words of wisdom regarding fatigue and stroke.....i need to remember this! thanks, kathy

i am begining to think, at least for me, there is some sort of cycle involved with my stroke and my physical well being. maybe i am way off here......i don't know. i have always been a focused person and enjoyed exercise and creative activity. i did rehab with 100% plus of myself, and i want to do as much as possible to live my life to the fullest. i also know the old kathy is long gone and i am a bit more delicate LOL these days. i know if i go to my water exercise class i can only do half the class and that is it for the day......in turn, if i go to drawing class or to the doctor or out to dinner i know i must make these things my only activity for the day and i will plan a day of rest for after. so i feel i am being very concious of my limited stamina. what i have found happening is i still get...out of the blue...exhausted. i still have nerve pain that haunts me daily along with muscle spasms that gets to me now and again but i try to keep a positive outlook. i have many joys in my life...my pets, my outside birds, friends, grandson, art etc. yet i still get down and have crying bouts. i know it is all stroke related and that helps.....but the middle ground i need to find in living my life fully seems elusive at best. i want and need to do the things i do..... and i try to do them senseibly. my sister suggested i consider keeping a journal of how i am feeling each day and my activities. does anyone else do this? does it help in warding off the exhaustion or blues? or even help you know you may be in for a down time? maybe there is no answer and it is just another part of the stroke demon i need to deal with........thanks, kathy

hi phil, i really am just adding a bit here...i agree with the answers to your post. there is a lot of wisdom in each person's answer. i too spent some time right after my stroke looking and judging other people and thier obvious bad habits that i knew were self-inflicting poor health. i thought why me for a time and then realized why not me. i have decided not to waste my energy on that type of thought....and we never can really know what it is like to walk in another person's shoes. you are a survivor and have a second chance to live life........life...fate...whatever is not fair! just do your best everyday and try to stay positive. cheers! kathy

katrina, giving in is NOT giving up. you can visit many doctors but life is full of ups and downs! whatever happens, just do your best..you are an inspiration. kathy

tascha, i am so glad the meds are working and you are feeling more like yourself. give yourself a pat on the back for taking the needed action. cheers! kathy

hi leah! i was very happy to read your post and hear you are over all the bugs and flus and colds! glad you got your meds changed and it is great you know that the man you saw is not right for you as far as therapy. i encourage you to try again with a psychologist...use the psychiatist for meds. it is super you and jerry opened up to each other, but i still feel talking to a pro"just for yourself" can be a really good use of time. sometimes i think we survivors are so busy trying to recover and get some semblance of our lives back that we can forget how our partner may feel. they don't want to complain after all we have been through but lets face it their lives are changed forever too. i remember my hubby saying that this (meaning my stroke" was not how he saw his retirement. any way we look at i, stroke changes everything and touches so many people in our lives. good for you for telling little miss fix it to back off! i know you will do fine while jerry is away and it shows how strong you are to give him the resite he needs with grace. i bet you may even enjoy some of your down time. so cool about the silver sneakers......i too am back in the pool. i am gradually building up at 15 minute increments. my stamina is just the pits! leah, keep us up to date...sounds like life is starting to fall into place....it was almost three years until i felt i had any kind of handle on the new post stroke me. take care , kathy

anne, you two have been through soooo much! i am happy to hear dave has a new doctor and is sorting things out and getting on the right recovery path. the fact dave is getting his sense of humor back is a real blessing. keep us posted on his progress. i will be thinking of him as he has his procedure and wishing the best. take care, kathy

well,it is 2009...seems like i was just waiting for 2000 yesterday. it will be a good year. i try to think of every cold day as one day closer to spring and being able to get outside again. ice is my new enemy.... :Tantrum: it is so scary and i am afraid of falling. maybe i will get mt. boots with cleats or something.....that should be a real fashion statement. right now i just stay inside. i am happy to report my eyebrow is growing in...my hubby is glad too. he said i had a jack nickelson look when i tried to fill the brow in. and i thought he never paid me any mind these days. :Scratch-Head: barry is off to florida for ten days on tuesday. i know i will be okay...and i will be busy. i restarted water exercise class at the Y. the first time i was so wiped out i spent the next day and a half in bed. now i have a new plan....go and do twenty minutes and quit. do this until i can build up to thirty minutes and quit.....keep at it until i can do the whole class. just getting ready to go to the class, the noise of the pool and getting showered and redressed and home is major work. so my plan is do what i can...anything is better than no exercise. this by the way, is major stroke acceptance stuff for me..... :Nodding: i am taking a really cool landscape drawing class. really challenges my grey matter..lol. it is also a big class and i do not like groups. i loose my focus sometimes but plan to finish the course. i really wanted to take a chinese painting workshop that was being offered. it was a two day workshop of 5 hours a day. again, major acceptance step..i said it was too much for me. :Nodding: a 2 hour class once a week wipes me out...but you know, i had to work through the facts that i am not capable of such adventures anymore. i get so much of my strength from the people here on site. i really do not think i would be where i am now in my recovery if i hadn't had the support of my cyber friends. i hope this coming year i will be able to offer support to others in the same manner i have been supported. kathy

allan, i think 2009 better watch itself! you are going to give it a workout for sure! your plans sound great and also rather fun....meeting new people and hanging out with folk's pets. you are a most interesting and amazing guy. now, get that surgery over with. we all care deeply about you. i hope your daughter will keep us posted.......my best for a quick recover....kathy

hi donna, easy for scarlett to say, she was not waiting for test results nor did she have a teenaged daughter. you do not have to be upbeat all the time...we are mere mortals you know. just remember we care about you deeply and we all are waiting to hear the test results. hormones and teens....no one should have to deal with that....but i know you will handle it well.....just be kind to yourself ...no one parents perfectly, just like there are no perfect children. :friends kathy

sue, everyone has shared good suggestions for helping with ray......i believe an answering machine to "screen" hysterical phone calls is a super idea. i too, wish i could give you a hug in real time. i understand you only have so much to give and the well is quickly going dry......please do go to the doctor and discuss your feelings. also, is there any chance of getting care right now for ray...say a 3 day respite? if so, could you book in somewhere totally by yourself...no phone or anything? sleep, eat, get a massage and just do nothing but nurture your battered soul? here on the other side of the world i can feel your exhaustion......please do what you need right now for yourself. i cannot even put it into words, but ray and your mum would want you to take care of yourself. :friends: kathy

hi leah, i know this has been a hard year for and i think it is great....a gift to yourself...... to go and talk to a professional. i know it really helped me, along with some anti depressants. do not be afraid to change doctors if the first one does not click...it took me two tries, but was worth the effort. my hubby has never looked into what stroke is and how it changes the survivor. he also refused to do therapy. he 'knows" what stroke means cause he lives with it every day......... please do not beat yourself up....you are doing your very best and that is all you can expect. i have a feeling, like me, you want to be the "perfect" stroke survivor. well, there is no such thing...we try our best, but we are mere humans. your hubby and mine are about the same age and i think talking about feelings is very difficult for men of their generation. it is sad cause now more than ever is the time to talk and share. taking charge of what you can work on....your feelings around your stroke is all you can do. take care of leah and jerry will have to figure his own way. hopefully, as you become increasingly comfortable with the new you he will too. as far as the vacation....my hubby has always gone off on his own. in fact his one year sabbatical was spent overseas.....i stayed home and kept the home fires burning. you can take offense at his need to be alone or go along graciously and use the time for yourself. as long as you feel safe being by yourself, i say enjoy the time....write, think, spend quality time with yourself. i know you hate long posts...so sorry.......i wish you the best 2009. you are a wonderful, strong woman and you are doing better than you realize! [/b :friends: ]kathy

donna, i like maria's idea too. it would actually make a good story.....i can see this big rambling house (one floor of course) and all of us there to help one another. wow!

hi bart, hey, we all have those times when most everything looks black. give yourself a break. you are not a loser, but a survivor who is doing the best he can! okay, now we are facing a new year....flush the pity pot and keep working on your recovery journey. we are here for you and we do understand! you can do this! kathy

ken, it is already new year's day for you as i write this. thank you for the well wishes and i wish the same for you! cheers! kathy

hi Tascha, so glad you called the doctor. you are right, depression is a chemical imbalance and needs to be treated like other medical issue. my doctor once compared it to my daughter's diabetes.....her body does not produce the insulin she needs so she must take insulin. the same with depression....our brains don't produce the chemicals we need so we take the proper medication. congratulations on the soon to be grandchild. as far as a shower, i always say keep it simple....no games please. just good friends and yummy food. hope the new year is good to you and your family. keep us posted on the baby news. cheers! kathy

maria, can you imagine what our combined sock collection would be like? wow! see you at the new year's party.......kathy

it is a relief to say that Christmas is over. Everyone around the condos all seem to share the letdown caused by the expectations we all have of the perfect family holiday. Ours was fine...i was amazed and, almost appalled, at the number of expensive gifts our grandson Connor received. Perhaps I was just overwhelmed by the day but things were certainly different when i was a kid. gee, i swore i would never say that. i have been reading posts and blogs this morning and am thinking of the issues members have coming up or are going through. Hospital tests, procedures, family fights, anniversary dates and season depression.......and i am touched by the strength of the human spirit and the depth of love a person can have for another. sue's blog about not to worry about tomorrow really touched me. i am so much more fearful of the future than i was pre stroke. i am starting to realize that i expend too much emotional energy in this area. i worry about money and what will happen if something happens to my hubby. he was not a planner and without his pension (which stops when he does) i will have just my ssdi. he always saw me as strong, working and self-sufficient. i can make myself nutsy over the situation and now i realize that what happens will happen. i need to let go of what i have no control over. my sister gave me a Y membership for christmas and wants me to try to get back in the water and exercise. i am going to try, but i am going to pace myself and try not to overdo. i still have a very hard time accepting that i do not have the stamina that i used to. i push myself and then get tired and once i am tired i just get emotional and go down hill from there. i have been thinking about this cycle i set up and put myself through; i am trying to learn to say no to others and stop to myself. it goes against my basic personality which was always living life to the fullest and being a doer. somehow i have to moderate and live my life to its fullest within the parameters of my stroke without being defined by the stroke. i am so grateful for my cyber friends and family here. it is often their wisdom and humor that help me over a rough spot. i know now that my family will never understand my stroke.......and i am begining to accept this so, i have come to rely on the support here at strokenet. so, as the old year comes to an end and we look forward to 2009, i wish everyone health, happinnes and love in their lives and a special wish for peace in the world. kathy

hi fred, ah, did not know you are an armchair traveler these days. what a great idea! be sure to stop and stay with us here on cape cod.......we will treat you right! i hope the new year is a good one for you and your family and brings with it love, laughter and peace. cheers! kathy

bart, you both are going through so much right now.....feelings of loss, anger and why me happen for you and your wife. try talking with her......explain how you feel. also, sometimes talking with a professional can be very helpful. now is the time to tell your wife what you said here...that you love her. i suggest she read some posts and get some info on stroke if she is willing. i understand your life has been turned upside down......please be patient with yourself and your wife and please don't drive when you are upset. kathy

sue, great blog! i got that same charlie shultz in my email. as the year come to an end i find myself looking back like most people and i realize that much of my emotional energy goes into "what might happen if or when". something else to work on for me. thank you for re-pointing this out. i hope the new year is good to you and your family. kathy

hi josh, the replies to you question and concern about your wife are so on target. it is so great that you are here trying to find answers and trying to understand this situation. i hope you will be able to join a chat at some point...we have one for caregivers on tuesdays, but you are welcome to drop in to any chat. i want to say how sorry i am for what has happened to your wife and family. the first year is the hardest as everyone has said. i still get emotional especially when i get tired. also, my doc said the part of the brain that is damaged has much to do with post stroke feelings as physical deficits. as what to do to support your wife, i suggest you acknowledge her pain and grief...and that what has happened is unfair. also, guys often try to fix a feeling......don't try to fix it, just be there as a support and comfort. also, try to take care of yourself and don't stuff your feelings....you both are going through so much right now. encourage and support........you and your wife and family are in my thoughts...kathy