CagedBird

I have bad news. Friday on my way home from work, I got in yet another car accident. A pick up truck knocked me off the road and I charged into a road sign and knocked over a light pole. The power lines fell on my car and my airbags bruised up my face a little. It was awful I had to sit in the car for nearly an hour before I could get out. All I could do was cry. My left hand must have jumped when I got hit and the airbags must have collided with my wrist because I had a huge blister on my wrist. I popped it but it is still a big red mark. As if I didn't get enough stares from my crippled hand, now I have this big ugly red/brown mark on my hand. I also have scars on my face and neck from the airbag and seat belt. Fortunately I did not get a ticket this time because I was not at fault. Unfortunately the guy that hit me did not get a ticket either and I do not have full coverage so I just lost another car. I was so upset. How could God let me get hit by a car 6 days before my birthday? How could I get in 2 car accidents before even having my license for a year? I worked so hard to get mt license and my car. Why did this have to happen right when the medical review board is reviewing my files? What if they take my license away? Why does bad stuff always happen to me? Am I being punished or cursed? I just do not understand. All these thoughts were running through my head as I sat in the car enduring the pain. Luckily, I have been taking my anti-depressant. My cousin stayed the night with me after I got in the accident and we went to my grandmother's birthday party. My whole family was there and it was a lot of fun. Nobody even could tell I'd just gotten in an accident the day before. I am so thankful I had so many positive distractions this weekend. My life had been going so great. Driving wherever I want, going to work every day making money, going out to movies and get togethers with friends every weekend. It was like the life I always wanted since high school. I still dont understand why this accident happened. Even if I do get to keep my license , I do not want to drive anymore. I was so careful so cautious, I learned my lesson from the first accident, I was finally starting to drive in faith, not fear. Finally trusting God to keep me safe and drive as safe as I could. I just do not want to waste money on another car. I am really considering moving to the Atlanta metro area (where hopefully I wont need a car) with some of my family and trying to start over. My life is not over I just have to go in a new direction. I am determined to be happy and live my life as best I can as long as Im stuck on this earth.

Thanks so much everyone. I am so thankful for this website. You guys give me so much valuable information. Its hard not having anyone pushing me, motivating me, and helping me find things to get better since my family has pretty much acepted the fact that this is how I am. but you guys are like my stroke family always giving me great advice Running off of my motivation from Friday night, I decided to make some phone calls today. First I called Bioness and left a message for the sales rep I have been working with to give me a call about how I can purchase the bioness to use at home. Next, I called the nearest facility that has the H200 to see if I can test it again and start this process from the top to see if insurance will pay this time. Then I called my Vocational Rehabilitation Counselor but still no answer. The last time I talked to her she said I should be getting a call to schedule OT with a therapist that is trained in e-stim but I have not heard from the OT or from her! I have called her numerous times in the last month and have been waiting on Voc Rehab to help me since last October when I first tried the bioness. Well Im tired of waiting. Thanks to Will's comment on my last blog, I now know that there is such thing as a certified hand therapist. I looked it up and it just so happens that the certified hand therapist closest to me is at the same place that I was supposed to be getting scheduled for OT at. So I called her. She'd actually never heard of bioness H200 before either but she did say they do e-stim at her facility and she knows my pain management doc. I contacted scheduling and found out my insurance will cover OT there so I called my pain management doc and set up an apointment for this Wednesday so that he can write me a perscription for OT e-stim. One thing I have learned is when you are a stroke survivor you have to stay on your toes. You guys have taught me that there is so much out there for us. We just have to go after it. I was not making the progress I wanted when my ot just had me laying on a mat by myself stretching for 30 minutes so I believe that by me being diligent, I will see tremendous progress this time with a new certified hand therapist, new therapy center, and electrical stimulation. Even if I have to go at 7:00 every morning before work I will because I am just so determined to get my hand back no matter how hard I have to work at it

jeez i wrote a whole entry then somehow the page jumped to the message board. Well I felt like blogging while I was in a good mood. but after my whole entry got washed away not in such a good mood anymore but still motivated I am motivated to get my hand back. Maybe its the zoloft but I really feel like I can get better. I will not be like this for long. I have been like this long enough. I am learning about Faith in my Faith & Healing class at church. It is very helpful and so scriptural. I am learning the difference between faith and hope and how to pray and believe. I am tired of laying on my arm all day. My wrist has become so bent, my nails scratch my arm. I try wearing the splint but my wrist just flops back down when I take it off. The wrist support is pretty uncomfortable as well. The metal piece digs in my arm and my nails dig into the splint. E-stim is what I need. I am determined to get the bioness or some type of e-stim. Stretching, praying, and wearing the splint just isn't enough. I start working and summer school in a few weeks so I do not have time to waste on the same old therapy and botox. Not really trying to go back on baclofen neither. The biggest thing I learned from reading Stronger After Stroke was e-stim. I think this is going to be my miracle. I really do. All I can remember is the pain/pleasure feeling of the bioness straightening my fingers. It hurted so bad but felt so good. If I could just get the device I swear I'd use it all day everyday for however longs it takes to get my hand working again. Even if I have to go into debt and fork out the $8000 myself I will do anything to be able to use it again. I gotta get my hand back! I try moving it everyday. My brain knows its there. I want to use it so bad now it moves when I think about doing things with my right hand. I just know Im going to get it back. I feel really great. I am excited about going back to work for the summer. I also feel more healthy because I decided to be a vegetarian again. I ran out of miralax last month and did not want to have to worry about the constipation so I quit meat and went to the store and spent $80 on fruits, veggies, and fiber foods everything from activia to prunes. I have been drinking lot of water and take one a day women multivitamins with my iron pills. I dont know if its my new diet, the zoloft, or my bible class but Im starting to feel a lot better. I just want to be my best. I want to be made whole.

I hate exercising. I always feel like Im doing it wrong or it is not helping. It is interesting though because I never realized my walking got better over the last few years. Just walking around campus was exercise I guess. I think exercise is more fun when you have a partner (not a PT that is just giving you some pointless exercise to keep busy for 45 minutes). If I had someone to exercise with or help me exercise I'd probably exercise more. I remember the last time I got in a pool at my mom's apartment complex. It was fun but when it was time to get me out of there I got scared my feet locked up trying to get up the step ladder and it took my mom and the apartment manager to pull me out. Very embarassing. Haven't got in a pool since

Sorry to hear about your fall. I lift my leg up so high I almost lose my balance sometimes trying to get in and out. It's funny because I purposely lift my leg extra high to keep from tripping on the tub. Luckily we have the tub where the bar is like in the wall and I have a portable handle that sticks to the other side of the wall. Be careful. Im glad you didn't get hurt too bad.

Remember He will never put more on you than you can bare. Sometimes I think He gives us these test just to see how strong we are and I hate it but lay your burdens down with Him and have faith. When it rains it pours but only He can fight your battles. Waiting sucks but when there is nothing else you can do, you can only wait for things to get better. You and your family are in my prayers

Well I seen the neurologist last week. Instead of getting medicine for pseudobulbar affect, I asked him for an anti-depressant. He gave me zoloft but said it would take about 4 weeks to start making a difference. I feel good for the most part. I have a boyfriend for the first time in almost 2 years and he gives me lots of love and attention so that definitely helps with the depression. I just wish I could get my dad off my back. Ever since he retired and his girlfriend dumped him, he always has an attitude about me hanging out with my boyfriend. He thinks Im "running the roads" and "up to no good". He even rides by my boyfriend's house to see if my car is there. It is very annoying. I was not allowed to date until I turned 18 and graduated. I finally have a car and he is in my case about hanging out with one guy Im not even having sex with. It puts me in a bad mood every time I come home and makes me wish I could move away already. I worked hard to get my license, bought my own car in my name, and pay insurance in my name so to constantly be hounded about where Im going and who Im with is VERY annoying. I am trying to move out as soon as I start working in May. I already have money saved up. I think I will be happier being out, independent, and on my own but my dad says I can't move because I can't live by myself. I hate being here. being in this room and treated like a kid makes it very hard for me to be happy which is why I love hanging out with my boyfriend and his family but it does no good when I have to constantly come home to my dad who treats me like Im still 15. I can't wait to move! I also visit my mom a lot. This week I visited my mom, brother and his kids, grandmother, and aunt. Tomorrow I have to babysit my other brother's kids. Im so glad I have a car. I love the independence. I hope my license never gets taken away. I have the anti-depressant to help my mood, my boyfriend keeps me from being lonely and thinking about sad things, and I signed up for a Faith & Healing class at church so I really am trying to be happy

Thank you so much to all 5 of you who commented on my last blog. I often re-read old comments from time to time for inspiration. Even though I do not reply to you all individually, I always read every comment and I appreciate the support from everyone! One of the reasons I have not blogged is because I feel depressed and I made a promise last year not to blog about sad things all the time like I used to. I keep things to myself or just write in my prayer journal instead. Sometime it helps. Sometimes it makes it worse. I decided to blog now though because I don't have anything sad to complain about. So why do I feel depressed? I don't understand it. I am working, I go to school, and I drive. I stayed depressed for 4 very long years of high school because I could not work (because of my disability) drive (because of my disability) and school was hell since I had no friends (because of my disability). Now I can work, I accomplished soo much in school, and I drive everywhere. I am so proud of myself taking myself everwhere. My dad is proud of me as well. I have driven through pouring rain, at night, through construction zones, I even took a little road trip and drove down the interstate getting off at exits and everything! This is the life I always wanted but thought I would never have. I can get up and go wherever I want whenever I want and I do. but i dont feel happy and I dont understand why. I am so thankful for all of my blessings. I thank God but I put myself down and I feel worse for feeling unhappy like what is wrong with me. I had an appointment with my neurologist a few weeks ago and he tested me for pseudobulbar affect. Turns out I do have it. It is funny because I could not stop laughing while he was asking me the questions about uncontrollable laughter. He has some medicine for me but I have to get an EKG on my heart before I can start the medicine. I just don't want to start the medicine. I feel like I need an antidepressant more than a medicine that will stop uncontrollable laughter but I am scared to start the pseudobulbar affect medication for the same reason Im scared to start an anti-depressant. What if it doesn't work? What if I have to stay on it for life? I just don't know. No matter where I go, what I do, how much "fun" I try to have, nothing makes me feel happy. The last time I felt happy was when I used the bioness and felt my hand move. My dad has had bouts of depression since he retired last July and my mom has dealt with depression all her life and right now her paranoia schizophrenia is getting worse. Maybe it is just hereditary and it is in my genes to be sad an unhappy. I am not going to kill myself but I do not want to live. I just feel like why am I here? Heaven would be so much better than living in this horrible country where bad things happen all the time. It is scary because my mom was this same way after her cancer and there is a history of mental illness on her side of the family so I am afraid I will end up like her. I first felt depressed when I was a child. I would write suicide notes and how I wanted my funeral to be when I was like 9 years old. Should I talk to my neurologist? Should I start medication to keep my sadness from getting worse? Wont antidepressant increase suicidal thoughts? There is a warning label on my keppra that says contact the doctor if I feel sadness, mood changes, or fear but you all remember what happened when my doc switched my seizure medicine a few months ago so I know I cant stop taking the seizure meds even if it is causing sadness. I just feel like I have been depressed my whole life and am doomed to be depressed for the rest of my life because it runs in my family. It just sucks because I want so badly to be happy. I pray I read the Bible, I hang out with friends, I think about all the good things in life but I can do all that in one day and still cry myself to sleep at the end of the day because I just feel sad. I wish I knew how to explain this to my neurologist. I don't know if it is pseudobulbar affect or depression I just wish it would go away.

Thank you everyone for your prayers in my last blog. I successfully drove myself back and forth to work all week including yesterday for my Saturday class. I take the same route everyday so I am starting to feel more comfortable. It feels great not having to be picked up and dropped off like a little kid. A feel a lot more grown up and independent. I started work on Tuesday and have been working hard ever since. My co-worker put me to work as soon as I got there. I wore my hand splint but it was not until after I was helping her move chairs that she noticed my hand. She asked me if I got hurt and when I told her I had a stroke it was like she seen a ghost. Another day. my supervisor told me not to do anything to hurt my hand and joked that he didn't want to have to fill out accident reports then told me a story of a girl who tried to sue because she sprained her ankle while walking to another building. I wanted to say "Dont worry. My hand is already messed up. Furthermore I can't even move the hand so don't worry about me hurting it." But I decided to keep that to myself to avoid the awkwardness. Anyway, I did not know my job would be so much physical work. I usually work for the Army as an administrative assistant so I am used to sitting at a desk typing all day. The most my arm gets tired is maybe from filing. This job I am at now though is much more demanding. It makes me wish I could use my left hand more than anything. I am so prideful and do not want to feel like I can't do something so I always accept any little job they give me to do. Opening the mail is a pain. They gave me a letter opener but it is even harder to use that with one hand. Stuffing envelopes was pretty tedious. I don't know if it is my loss of my other hand or loss of my left field vision, but folding letters evenly to fit in an envelope is very annoying. The hardest thing I had to do was move books from one room to another. After having me lift chairs across the room on my first day (before noticing I was only using one hand), I guess my co-worker felt bad so we put a box in a roller chair and I loaded the box with books then rolled it to the next room until all of the shelves were empty. This was better than carrying but lifting books off a shelf, onto a desk, and pushing a roller chair full of books on a carpert surface is not the easiest thing to do with one hand either. So after all of my one handed work is done, I get in my car and one handedly drive home, then one handedly navigate typing away at my computer and turning the pages of my books to complete my assignments. This blog is getting long so I am going to start a topic to continue.

wow you're good. I wish I was better at bowling. The last time I went last month, I broke my nails, felt like I pulled a muscle in my good arm, and got in last place out of all my friends for every game (with the gutter rails). I wish there was a stroke group here so I wouldnt feel like such a loser! lol

Wow my first week of graduate school has been crazy. I am only taking 3 classes but 2 are online so I spend a lot of time reading and typing. It does not help that I have gotten lazy! Being out of school for a year and not living in the college atmosphere anymore, makes it hard for me to finish my assignments. I associate being at home with just relaxing and watching tv so I have to do better. I have 3 more assignments due tomorrow and have not started! I received an assistantship so I will be working part time at school every day. I am happy to be working again and getting my education paid for. I am not so happy about the driving part though. I created my schedule to where I can come in at noon until 5 on Mondays. I did this because I have an evening class at 6:00 on Monday nights so this will be great because I wont have to drive half an hour from my house to school for my evening class since I will already be on campus. The rest of the week I will be working from 10am-3pm. I like this because I don't have to worry about the morning traffic and rush hour traffic and I shouldn't pass too many school zones since kids will be in school and out during the times that I will be driving to work. I am still afraid though. I am praying for faith. It is just scary after the accident. It's already scary starting out driving but when you throw surviving an accident, using one hand, not having any left field vision, and driving across town every day without full coverage insurance it is kind of frightening. Monday is MLK day so I start work Tuesday. Please keep me in your prayers that I will not get in another accident. God blessed me with a license and car, now a job and school, but the devil is trying to take it all away using fear of driving to make me feel defeated so I ask for your prayers that I will not let this fear of driving stop me from reaching my goals.

I am awake so I decided to blog. I went to the hematologist last week and my white blood cell count was normal. I have also been sick for the last few weeks though so Im still not sure if anything is wrong. I have to go back and see the hematologist next week so he can look at everything else in my blood and make sure everything is okay. I was reflecting on 2011 and I realized I got everything I wanted (with the exception of my left field vision). I got a car, a license, a job, and I moved my left hand for the first time in 10 years! at the same time though, I got in an accident, lost my job position, and found out insurance wasnt going to give me the opportunity to move my hand again. My prayer for 2012 is that I will get another job that I can keep, keep my license and car, and that I will be blessed with an e-stim device I can exercise with everyday. I promised that I would only write positive blog entries a few months ago but honestly I do feel sad a lot. I get so depressed from sitting in my room all alone by myself. With the exception of the summer months I spent working, I spent 2011 laying in my bed on my computer and watching tv. I had no boyfriend the whole year and my girlfriends were busy in school so my social life consisted of mainly twitter. (I know..so sad.) Well I decided I don't want to spend 2012 the way I spent 2011. I am registered to start school next week which will keep me busy with 3 graduate courses. I am still praying that I will receive this assistantship which will cover my tuition and pay me to work at the school part time AND I am waiting to get a call for an interview for a part time library position I applied for. I really want to stay busy! I have also took to hanging out with my cousins, brothers, 2nd cousins, and nieces and nephews. I was so busy with school for so many years I never hung out with my family much but now that my friends have graduated and moved on, I am finding comfort in my family. It feels good sometime just to get out of my bed away from my depressing room and drive to my brother's house to play wii with my nephews or go to church with my cousin. I am much happier when I am around others so I hope this year will bring much time to stay busy and NOT so much time to sit around with nothing to do thinking of sad depressing thoughts.

Hey Fred I had it in 3 paragraphs but I went back and put it in 5 paragraphs. I hope that helps

Before I begin blogging my Christmas shopping adventure, I want to update from my lost blog entry. If Will and Chandra are reading this, my neurologist called the night I had the dizziness after it finally subsided. He wanted me to get blood work done so he could check and see if my white blood cell count had gotten any better since I switched to my new medicine. He called me in to see him and unfortunately on the way I got dizzy again but luckily my dad was driving. I had to tell him that medicine was not helping at all. I informed him that I used to take dilantin when I was younger but I was still having seizures and thats when I got switched to keppra. I told him I had not had a seizure ever since I started the keppra 10 years ago (except the 2 times I forgot to take my medicine). It was a tough decision but he put me back on my Keppra and now I have to go see a blood doctor person to monitor my white bood cell count. during my appointment with my neurologist he realized the new medicine and my keppra both cause low white blood cell count. go figure. I am glad to be back on my old medicine though. I haven't felt dizzy ever since, even when I try to make myself dizzy just to check Now on to Christmas Shopping. I went Christmas shopping by myself for the first time ever. I drove to the Wal Mart about 10 minutes from my house and parked in the garden section to avoid some of the traffic. It was kind of scary because there was so many people shopping. I kept thinking someone was going to run into me on my left side while I was walking. Pushing the shopping cart was a little frustrating as well. I usually only shop at the grocery store where they have the little carts and if I do go to Wal Mart it is to only pick up one or two things I can carry in my hand. but since I was buying my mom a toaster I knew I couldn't carry that and continue picking up other things. Speaking of the toaster, I miraculously got it into my cart from the shelf without dropping it. I was too prideful to stop one of the shoppers and ask for help so I turned my cart around and lined it up with the shelf then put my hand under the toaster to balance it and put it on its side until it slowly dropped into my cart. Woooh mission accomplished! It was kind of nerve wrecking pushing the cart with one hand once I got everything I needed. Although it was only 3 things, the cart was heavier than all 3 of my items and there were so many people shopping. I was trying to get by people and cut corners with the buggy without knocking over stuff in the aisles. I am grateful for the man standing in the checkout line behind me and made sure I said thank you 3 times because he offered to put the toaster on the counter for me and I let him! Besides feeling self conscious about my left arm clinging to my stomach as I used all my strength to push the cart, I'll say shopping went well. Gift wrapping, on the other hand! lol Lets just say it took me a few hours and lots of tape to wrap those 3 gifts. Luckily they are only for my mom and dad so I know they will appreciate the time and energy I took to wrap their gifts with my best effort. Wrapping was kind of frustrating (mainly because my scissors and tape kept getting lost in my left field) but I was very proud of myself. I used my left hand in a fist to hold down the wrapping paper while I reached for the tape and used a highlighter to mark where I need to cut since I couldnt hold the paper and cut from the other side at the same time. It made me feel really good to do my own gift wrapping but I think next time I'll go with gift bags!

Today my mom and I were talking about the new seizure medicine I have been taking for the last 2 days. She reminded me of the last time I had a seizure in 9th grade and she panicked because she didn't know what to do. I guess between my mind going back to that day, transitioning to the new seizure medicine, and not getting enough sleep the other night from my nephew crying, it triggered a seizure. We were riding in the car and I began to feel dizzy. I usually feel dizziness sometimes as a side effect from my seizure med but it only last for a few seconds and I think about something else to make it go away. I tried to do that today and it went away but came right back. We started talking about something else but no matter how hard I tried to keep the new conversation going with my mom, I felt so dizzy. I knew I was not having a seizure. Back when I used to have seizures, I would feel dizzy, get a headache, and my throat would start burning because I would begin foaming at the mouth feeling like I was going to throw up. I usually passed out as well and my family would lay me on my side. Today though, none of that happened. I only felt the onset of a seizure which was the dizziness. It just would not go away. I tried to stay strong but I started crying because it wouldn't go away and all I could think was that now I won't be able to drive if this happens again. When we made it back to my mom's house I lay down and cried so much. I had been trying so hard to stay positive and thankful but my seizure meds always bother me with the side effects of sadness, mood swings, and suicidal thoughts. I told my mom everything. All of the sadness I have wrote about on here and some things I have kept to myself. It felt so good to finally let everything out. I am so used to sitting in my room alone having to hold in my cries. I had not cried like that since 2006 when I overdosed on some pain killer after finding out I was permanently denied of my license. My mom really made me feel good today just by listening and letting me let it all out and be completely honest with her about all of my sadness. My neurologist wants me to get blood work done tomorrow so he can check to see if we need to switch my new medication to something else. I have been dizzy ever since 10:30 this morning and it is just now wearing off. I could not help but think God made this happen to me today because I had been complaining so much about how no matter what I do there are so many things i cant change. Today He reminded me of how it feels to endure the one thing He delivered me from. I now know to be thankful for everything because my situation could always be worse. Last night I went to sleep praying the serenity prayer but tonight I will say a special prayer being thankful that I haven't had a seizure in years and praying that I never have to experience a scare like I did today.

Thanks everyone for the comments on my last entry. It really helps to hear from people who can relate to what I am going through and not just outside looking in. That is what I love about StrokeNet Well I am completely off baclofen now. It feels great because I am not tired anymore. I went on a nature walk with my mom in the park and I felt great. I can certainly tell the difference in my energy level. I sleep through the entire night because I am no longer taking short naps during the day. The only downside is my leg has been jumping. It used to only do that when I was nervous or upset but now it does it randomly. It isn't bad though. I can stop it with a little concentration and it does not hurt. Everything seems to be good but I am hoping I made the right choice. The weather is changing now and I need my muscles to be relaxed as possible. I have noticed my arm being more bent like drawing up. My hand used to just hit my thigh while I walked or hit my stomach but now my arm just stays drawed up. I know it usually does during the colder seasons. I just hope it does not get worse without the baclofen. It has also been harder for me to put my wrist splints on. My fingers will go straight as an arrow but my wrist will not straighten for the life of me. Once again I don't know if this is because I stopped the baclofen or if its just because the weather is getting colder. It might be both. My neurologist decided to go ahead and switch my seizure medicine. I had been taking 1000 mg daily of keppra for the last 10 years but since it was messing with my blood cell count, he is switching me to 200 mg daily of lamactil. This also should help my energy level. He said he didn't find any seizure activity in my brain scan but it is best to keep me on the seizure med since I am driving. I got another call from Bioness saying my insurance is not going to pay for the H200. They call me like every week so I get the picture. I am still waiting to find out if Voc Rehab is going to help pay for it. If only I had $6000. Getting the device that would remind me how it feels to move my hand would be the greatest Christmas gift ever. In keeping my promise to keep this bog positive, I just wanted to mention that I ran across some of my old poems and writings from high school. It reminded me of how depressed I was. I wrote about having no car, no job, no friends, nothing to live for. I constantly asked why this happened to me and what I did to deserve this. It did make me kind of sad because I still carry some of those emotions to this day but for the most part it made me thankful. Thankful that I dont cry every other day. Thankful that I am not so depressed anymore. Just thankful that I have accomplished so much since then and actually have hope now that I can get better

Thanks everyone for all of the love and support on my stroke anniversary last month. In my last entry, I talked about how the medicines Im on made it hard for me to celebrate my stroke anniversary. I saw my neurologist and have to go back to see him in a few weeks. I told him about the side effects from my seizure medicine so he gave me a test trial of another seizure medicine to see if it helps decrease the side effects and help my white blood cell count. Today I seen my pain management doctor. I reminded him how tired the baclofen makes me but told him I decided not to get the baclofen pump. I just didnt want to get it implanted in me then if something happens to my dad's insurance I would just be out of luck. I am also going to stop taking the baclofen. We set up a schedule to gradually have me off of it by next week. I have been on it since 2007 and it has always been great at decreasing spasticity in my fingers and stopping muscle spasms in my legs. but im just tired of being tired. I need a break from these medicines. If the spasticity comes back and is worse, I will get back on the baclofen but I just wanted to take a chance and see what difference it will make without it. I got bad news that my dad's insurance is not going to pay for the bioness. I don't know the total cost but Vocational Rehab might pay a portion of it ($8000?) if my rehabilitation counselor can convince her supervisor that it is legit and will help me in the workplace then she has to bring it in front of the board then the state has to approve it. I don't know how I would pay the rest. I know I said I was going to try and keep this blog positive but I have been feeling everything but positive so I probably won't be blogging as much. It just seems like I never get far in my recovery. I endure a painful session of botox injections just for it to wear off in a few months. I endure months of therapy just for it to end and my arm goes back to being the same. Baclofen makes me weak and tired and my only hope at ever using my hand again with bioness is no longer possible. The reality is painful and no list of academic accomplishments could take the place of me feeling my hand move just one more time. Thanks for reading and sorry I haven't been active in the boards and blogs (been sleeping a lot.)

Today has been rough for me. I cried for almost 2 hours today after sleeping until 1:00 this afternoon. I kept reminding myself of all that I have accomplished. I am alive. I can walk. I can run. Im on my way to finally getting my hand back. I finally have my license. I have a car. I went on to graduate a semester early from college with a 4.0 gpa. I have worked for the highest level of government. I don't have seizures anymore. I don't have brain surgeries anymore. I don't get picked on anymore. I accomplished all of my goals in college. I could go on and on. but none of this stuff mattered to me. I don't know if it was pseuodobulbar affect, the mood changing side effects of my seizure meds, or the tiredness and weakness from the seizure med and baclofen, but I just could not make myself happy. I left my room once today to eat a bowl of cereal. I see my neurologist on Friday. He is concerned that my white blood cell count is low. I don't know what that means. I just wish I could be off all of these medicines. I always feel tired. I never feel happy. The other day One of my friends asked me do I take anti-depressants because I never get excited about anything. I found that side effects of the 1000 mg of leviteracetam I take everyday include: mood changes, hostility, suicidal thoughts, depression, anxiety, and tiredness. I guess the tiredness and weakness from the baclofen does not help my mood. I don't know what to ask my neurologist. I just wish I could be off all of these medications. A day that was supposed to be spent celebrating accomplishments and milestones during the last 10 years of my 2nd chance at life has turned into a day of ungratefulness. I am trying my hardest to be happy but I just feel too tired to do anything and its difficult to make myself happy just laying in my bed in my room. I just pray my 11 year stroke anniversary will be better. If anyone has any advice on questions I should ask my neurologist or suggestions for helping my mood and energy level, I would appreciate it.

yes Eva it was a PT at a physical therapy clinic but she is licensed in using the bioness.

Today I went in for a test trial of the bioness H200. Although my OT never used e-stim with me because she said I had to much tone and my doc had never heard of bioness, I still had faith. I blocked out the fact that its been almost 10 years since the stroke, blocked out the numerous times I prayed and prayed for the ability to use my left hand only to get no results, and blocked out all the time my OT and doc told me those nerves were dead. I prayed, wore my splint all morning, read some scriptures, and fully believed in all my heart that today would be the day I moved my hand. The therapist stretched me out then strapped my arm in the h200. I was nervous but still had faith and believed. When she turned on the stimulation I felt my hand open up. My thumb moved then my fingers began to stretch. I couldnt believe what I was seeing. It was so overwhelming, feeling the stimulation, feeling my hand open up for the first time in years, seeing my fingers move. At first I began to laugh but when she changed the mode and my fingers opened up more, I couldn't hold back the tears. It was so emotional. I finally had hope! The nerves in my hand are still alive! That was the best news I have heard all my life. better than graduating as valedictorian and slightly better than getting my license. God I was so happy! Even after we finished using bioness, she bent my wrist all the way back and it didn't hurt at all because it had taken away so much tone! I told the therapist about how my OT didnt believe in me and it just so happened that my old PT was there so she told me she could work with me instead of going back to my old OT. I also told her about how pessimistic my doctor is and how he wouldnt write me a prescription for the h200 since he never heard of it before. We decided to get a prescription from my primary care doctor and she gave me the contact information for a neurologist at Duke that does a spasticity clinic and can give me a second opinion and write a prescription for me if I needed it. She even said vocational rehab might help me pay for it if my insurance doesnt cover it all. I am just ecstatic and believing that God will make a way for me to get the bioness. I know it will take a lot of exercise and it doesn't come quick and easy but I am ready to do whatever it takes. My faith quadrupled after what I witnessed today

At the beginning of the year, I attended a New Years service at church. The choir sang this gospel song called "Expect the Great". This song was very uplifting to me because it gave me faith that this would be the year of refreshing and God would do exceedingly and abundantly above what I asked for. It also reminded me of another gospel song called "The Best is Yet to Come." I am not a big fan of gospel music but reading the lyrics is very inspiring for me. I did the Daniel Fast and started PT/OT to show God I had faith that things would get better and I was trying. Unfortunately things didn't go the way I thought. After the botox wore off, therapy ended, and I got in the car accident I gave up. I felt like I tried and made 2 steps ahead to get pushed 3 steps back... Usually I get very depressed this time of year. My stroke anniversary is on the 18th so not only is it a reminder that Im still not where I want to be but it's also a reminder that the calendar year is almost over and time is dwindling down for me to get the recovery I prayed for on December 31st (which I do every year). This year things are different though. I am trying to get back the same enthusiasm and faithfulness I had in January. Things have not been the best though... I tried my own constraint-induced therapy an ended up in tears. I was just trying to use my hand but not only could I not reach, my fingers wouldnt open up, my wrist wouldnt straight and I got a spasm in the process. It made me feel like giving up but I've decided to just stick to stretching. I started reading Stronger After Stroke again like I said I would and I have been exercising every day. To fight against the depression by getting out of the house (and help my job search) I will be volunteering at an agency I used to work for. Even my doctor's appointment went well. Instead of giving me 2 minutes to talk and shooting down every suggestion I make, my doctor actually sat and talked with me. I told him about the Ness H200 and he admitted that he never even heard of it before! Instead of just scheduling me for more botox he gave me information about the baclofen pump. and instead of reminding me that some areas of my brain are dead and aren't coming back, he actually encouraged me to keep working at my wrist, complimented my walking, and said my fingers looked great. It was like I had a new doctor Perhaps the biggest step I've taken is buying another car. Driving is twice as scarier than it was before I had the accident but it is teaching me to be twice as careful. I prayed for faithfulness and I know that fear is from the devil so I am just believing God will protect me in my new car. Thankfully I got no points on my insurance for the accident and a lawyer only charged me $75 to get the ticket off my record so I pray the DMV medical review board won't take my license away. I will be meeting with the lady to try to Ness H200 just 2 days before my 10 year stroke anniversary so I am exercising as much as I can until then.

First I just want to thank everyone for all of your support. I needed it. I am not going to talk about the past because this blog entry is not for complaining! Im writing because I have decided to try again and I need support. My doctors don't believe in me, my occupational therapist doesn't believe in me, and my family probably feels dumb for ever giving me false hope. (Please read my post about "it will come back" under the community discussion for stroke survivor and caregiver if you haven't already.) Well tonight I talked to someone who believes in me and her name is Kathy Spencer! She gave me the boost I needed and I am so grateful I found out about her in the stroke survivor support forum. See, lately my entire body has been sore. I sit at my office for 9 hours including lunch so by the time I come home, my shoulder is tight, wrist it sore and fingers clinched from freezing in the cold office, and my whole left leg is sore from sitting all day and ankle sore from walking in lose dress shoes. I used to think my left side was just going to start moving, then I thought it would be great just to get rid of the tone and appear normal, then I gave up on getting the left side back nd just focused on what I could do with my good side. But more and more my good side is turning into my weak side. Everyday my unaffected right arm is sore and tired from doing everything with it. My legs are sore and cold so I come home and lay down only to realize it hurts my back to lay in any position. One day my left leg is sore and the next day my right hip is sore. I haven't gone for a walk all this week for fear of overusing my right side even more in an attemt to exercise my left side. Now getting the use of my left side back isn't just a hope or a wish. It is a necessity. I wish I could conquer my left neglect by putting my good arm behind my back but I simply do not have enough function in my hand so that would certainly be more frustrating than helpful. It is a lose lose situation but I have decided to work on my left side. I say lose/lose because overusing my right side takes all of my energy already then using my right arm to exercise my left hand takes twice as much energy. The other day my whole thumb nail bent back on my right hand when it slipped while using all of my energy to push my left wrist down enough to strap on the splint. I decided to open this blog back up because I do need support in this journey. There are a few things I plan to do and plan to start doing to get my left back Wear my splint every night (Have been trying this all week. Please pray that I can just make it through one night keeping the splint on my hand). Utilize the strength in my arm by doing the beach ball exercise from Kathy's video Remember to straighten my arm to my side when I walk (This has been working good for me when I take short bathroom breaks during work walking at a steady pace or when I take my walks around the neighborhood and wear my splint. I just have to work to remember when Im walking around at home which is harder because I don't have the same urgerncy to make my arm look normal since there is no one in my house.) Contact my doctor for more botox even though it is painful and may not work. (My appointment is Oct. 3) Contact bioness about Ness H300. (Already did) Read the Roadmap to Recovery again (I bought the book this time. I love its concept that it's never too late to recover and that is the motivation I need with so much negativity around me and my own doubts) Most of all, spend way more time exercising. I spend countless hours on the computer. My entire 8-hour work day is spent with my hand either on the mouse or keyboard. Then I come home, lay down, and type away at my laptop. I believe if I used this time to massage and stretch my hand, it would be way more beneficial. Only problem is fatigue and overusing my right hand. Please pray for me! Pray for my strength in my good side as well as my bad. Lets hope I get evaluated for the Ness300 and hope I qualify for it. This blog is for progressing not complaining so please support me as I try my bed to stay positive!

Well I was given a ticket for my accident. I don't know why but I don't care anymore. My dad wants me to get a lawyer. I know the DMV medical review board will take my license at the next evaluation. I was hit on my back left side so Im pretty sure they can use my loss of left field vision as reason why I shouldn't drive. After all that was the reason in the beginning. Well anyway, they can have my license. I give up. On top of the $100 ticket I have to pay, to continue driving I would still have to buy a new car or pay for mine to be fixed. And I might as well add the cost of a lawyer if I want to get the citation taken off my driving record. Well since I don't have more money to waste on another car and it would take the amount of money my car is worth to fix it, I am back where I started. My job ends in 3 weeks, my friends will be back in school, and I will be sitting in my room. I stepped down from my position as volunteer coordinator for my sorority. I do love helping people and volunteering with my sorority but I don't feel like going through the headache of getting dropped off and picked up every time we have something going on. I also deleted my social networks and will be making my blog private. With so much time on my hands and the depression swallowing me up slowly, I don't want to waste my days away blasting my personal feelings through the internet. When I was 15 and in this same situation (no job, no car, no real friends, summer break) it was different. Now that I have grown up I just want to get away from it. My online friends have always been my only friends. Everyday all I've ever done is sit in my room laying in bed looking for new "friends", updating my status on facebook, tweeting, and looking for love through dating sites. Im just tired of this life. Tired of being caged bird and living my life through the internet. My college years (the best years of my life) are over. Being trapped in the internet world while Im depressed doesn't help. It only gives me more opportunities to complain because I know there are people out there to complain to. I just cant stand sitting in my room trapped in the internet spilling my deepest saddest emotions through the web like Im in high school again. Maybe when things get better in my life or my mood gets better, I will be back. but for now, I can't do this anymore

First I want to start by thanking EVERYONE who commented on my last entry. It really meant s lot. It's nice to have something encouraging to read when my temporary happiness goes away. I have not let the car accident upset me too much. As I said before, driving was a pain and I was only going necessary places like to work, church, the store so I didn't enjoy it much. I did enjoy the fact that I finally had my license though. Even if I have no car, I still accomplished a milestone by getting my license. I found out I was cited for the accident so if the medical review board hears about this Im sure my license will be taken away after my next evaluation. For those of you wondering here is the way the accident happened I was on my way to work staying in my far right lane because I knew I had to turn right at the next street and didn't like switching lanes. People on military base are so rude and don't like letting you in especially when everyone (soldiers and civilians) are trying to make it to work on time. People in front of me started getting over to the left lane and I seen police cars further ahead in my lane so I realized I would have to get over as well. I seen the Army jeep to my left and put on my signal and slowed down so he could pass me and I could get in that lane but the longer I had my signal on, the closer I was getting to the police car in front of me and he still was not letting me in. So I increased my speed, got over, then heard my car get bumped behind me, I spun in a circle and braked ending up in the middle lane but not going into the oncoming traffic (it was a 5 lane road). That's what I heard the glass. I looked up to my left and seen the front of the jeep in my window. Basically I was hit twice, from the corner and from the side. No officer took my report. Everyone just kept convincing me to go to the hospital and talk to the cops later. Now I hear I have a citation for improper lane change but how could that be when I was signaling? Everyone had on uniforms (MPs, soldiers in the jeep, medic, and people around) so I don't know who hit me. All I know is I didn't give my side to the story nor was given the opportunity to speak with an officer and they have already cited me. I am going to talk to the investigator next week so please keep me in prayers that I get this straightened out. Im not ready to go back to driving just yet but if I get my license taken away I will be devastated. All I can do is hope they hear my side to the story and reconsider the citation.