CagedBird

Stroke Survivor - female
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  1. CagedBird

    I hate school

    By CagedBird,

    Lastnight I started to write an entry but I stopped crying after my first sentence so I assumed it was just side effects of the medicine and decided to wait til I was calm to update. I am going to call the doctor and pharmacist tomorrow to ask about the side effects. I started school on Friday and I just feel so pessimistic about this semester. My classes are so spread out on campus that I can barely get to them in 10 minutes because the buildings are spread so far apart. I know first days are always boring because the instructors only read over the syllabus but I really found nothing interesting out of any of my clases which gave me nothing to look forward to. I was so tired too. I knew it would be tough on me to walk again after that long break so the day before class started, I walked to the library to get back in the swing of things (and it took me 20 minutes to get there). Yet, I was still in so much pain on Friday. An instructor I passed while walking through the hall jokingly asked if someone kicked me in the leg but I just kept walking and later I felt like some boys behind me were talking about me and laughing. It was the end of the day and my limp was getting worser. Cold air, walking all day, and walking long distances, after sitting on your butt for 3 weeks equals terrible walking. It wasent just my knee either, my ankle was aching, and ofcourse my toenail is still falling off and not growing back because of ramming into my shoe so much. I just hate it. I hate walking like this everywhere I go, I hate having to cross my arms everywhere I go to hide the bend, I hate having to hold my left hand with my rigt to keep it from hitting me in the stomach when I walk, I hate having to race to classes in 50 degree whether with a terrible leg ankle and toes. I hate exercising my hand, wrist, and arm everyday just for it to stay the same. I hate only seeing the people that gawk and stare but being blind to the ones who wave and smile. It seems like the nice ones are always on the side I cant see because as Im walking all I feel is negativity. Most of all I hate feeling like I am in high school. This is exactly the way it felt. If it wasent for my boyfriend, all I would have done this entire weekend was sit in my room studying. In high school all I did was go to school, go to club meetings, and go home to do homework and sit on my computer all day. Last year I thought I had kissed that lifestyle away but I see it has come back to haunt me and remind me of those lonely depressing days. I try to think of how I can make things like they were freshmen year but I just cant. The people I used to eat lunch with never come to the cafe anymore and it seems like everytime I go eat I don't see anyone I know and Im scared to try to make new friends because the freshman dont know me they only judge me by the way I walk. Then I cant attend the events on campus I used to go to because since I dont stay on campus and dont have the number to the shuttle anymore it is not safe for me to walk alone and it gets dark so early. Then all the friends I used to hang out with in the dorm have spread out and forgot about me and there is nowhere around the apartment to just sit and wait for a new friend to come along. I actually talked to the counselor on Friday but for some reason I can never really tell her whats really on my mind. Something in me blocks my feelings from being expressed. I cant remember the last time I cried in front of someone. So instead of getting to the nitty gritty, I just conversate with her about things that get on my nerves so it really does no help to talk to her. I just wish things will go bak to the way they were. And with my clases being so difficult this semester I can only think that I am going to end up even further away from the 4.0 than I am now. Well I still have to study and it is 1am so I guess Im done complaining. Thanks for the comments on the last blog entry.
  2. CagedBird

    medications

    By CagedBird,

    My seizure medication has been switched to the generic brand. This led me to research side effects. I found that it as well as the brand name both have side effects like fear, mood changes, depresion, thoughts of suicide, dizziness, constipation, and loss of coordination. It seems like I hav experienced quite a few of these symptoms so I gues it is the meds that could explain for the things I was concerned about. I am thinking about asking the doc to be taken off of the seizure med because I havent had one in almost 4 years and the side effects are worse. Im also thinking about getting taken off the baclofen. It too causes dizziness, constipation, and mood changes. Taking 1030 mG of medicines with these type of side effects is not worth it. I think I have been seizure free long enough and the baclofen is not helping. I woke up at 5AM because of a bad muscle cramp from my toes to my thigh and Im always tripping and losing balance. Im constantly in pain and I know I can ask to increase the dosage but that would mean more dizziness, loss of balance, and constipation. I rather just deal with the pain like Ive been doing. In other news, I am finally at home on break. I am afraid to look at my final grades. I dont think Im ready yet. Well thats all.
  3. CagedBird
    I am having a good year so far. As I said in my last entry, I am driving very well especially in my dad's new SUV. It is just harder to park. I have started saving for a car. I just hope I can get a license and ofcourse more practice before driving alone. I just found out one of my medicines causes dizziness. I guess the pharmacist just decided to put the stickr on the bottle. So the medicine that I take for seizures, and the baclofen for spasticity both cause dizziness and constipation. But the medicine I take for constipation causes dizziness also. I have not had a seizure since 2005 and the baclofen does not seem to be helping. I exercise and wear both the splint and the brace yet my fingers still curl and my wrist remains bent even when I put the braces on. I hope the doctors can take me off of the medicines because last month the side effects were really bad. I was crying all the time, having trouble sleeping, and feeling dizzy a couple of times a week. Well anyway my new years was great. As promised, My new boyfriend took a picture of us so I can share!

    We had dinner, seen a movie, and watched people do karaoke. The other day his parents invited me to dinner with their family to celebrate everyone's good grades and my 3.9 was good enough. I move back in on campus on Tuesday and I am so ready! I hope I can make all As this semester!
  4. CagedBird
    Sorry I have not updated my blog in a while. The meds have had me on an emotional rollercoaster. I didnt want to write 1 sad entry then have to write another one right after posting the first because I was no longer sad. I cant wait to go back to the doctor to see what he can do about the meds. Well I got my first B. The one teacher who doesn't believe in "perfect scores", the one teacher who I reported to the department chair, and the man who lost half of my test papers at the end of the year leaving me barely anything to study with, gave me a B. I had already explained the situation to my dad so luckily he did not go hard on me. I am just proud of myself for starting off with an F but ending with an A in biology and bringing my B to an A in English Lit honors. All of that Dracula and long papers actually paid off. So now I have a 3.9 but its better than having a 3.8. I am ready to go back to school and bring my grades up but I am not ready for all of that walking after this long 3 week break!
    In other news my diving is going splendid. Instead of driving my dad's '95 4runner, he allowed me to drive his 2007 Envoy denali. I drove around the city and changed lanes very good. I even made a left turn while a car was about to pass in front of me so it showed my dad I knew how to react during an unexpected circumstance. I will begin saving for a car in 2009 so maybe I can have one by 2010 if my dad and the DMV sees fit.
    In other news I have a new bestfriend. His name is Jesse. My last boyfriend claimed he was in love with me but I found out he was cheating. I am glad he is out of the picture because I really like Jesse. He has cerebral palsy and asthma so I enjoy the close parks since he has the handicapped placard (mine expired years ago). It is also just great dating someone with a disability. We have so much more in common. We went on our 2nd date on Saturday. He took me to a restaurant downtown, we walk in the park until we both got tired of walking, we went to the museum, and we got icecream, and seen a movie. The movie was Nights in Rodanthe and it made us both cry! We are going to hang out tomorrow for new years too. If I take pictures, I will share. Oh yeah and he bought me our favorite candy reeses and a charmbracelet for Christmas. I wrote a poem about my last bestfriend I'd like to share:
    They say they'll have your back until the end
    but can someone tell me the true definition of a bestfriend?
    Is it someone you've known your whole life?
    Or someone you love deeply like a husband or wife?
    Is it someone you talk to everyday?
    calls you when your sad and helps you pray?
    Is it the one you text when you cant sleep?
    you talk all day because you ignore the beeps.
    Is it the one included in all of the moments you'll never forget?
    the one who knows your mistakes, secrets, and biggest regret?
    is it the one who you tell all your stories?
    when hanging out with them do you forget all your worries?
    well I thought I had a best friend forever.
    but I guess I thought wrong since we're no longer together.
    She was my help, my support, and backbone
    always there when I felt alone.
    Kept me alive when I felt like dying
    made me laugh when I felt like crying.
    but right now she is the cause of these tears.
    who would of thought our friendship would end after almost 20 years.
    I know it sounds crazy but I think I lost her because of love
    I guess a better explanation would be lack there of.
    love she gained for someone else, but lost for me
    I fell from her top priority.
    I guess she just got tired of me
    our conversations didnt interest her anymore
    she started ignoring me and avoiding my calls
    things she never did before.
    Just like my exes who broke my heart, she did the same things they did.
    I thought we would be together forever, never grow apart
    but eventually everything came to an end.
    now thanks to her and them
    I have this fear of growing close to anyone again
    because the worst pain I ever felt in life is being heartbroken with no bestfriend
     
    I finally spoke to her a couple of days ago on messenger for the first time since October. Basically she wants to be friends but she doesnt feel like we're bestfriends. I reminded her of the summer we just spent together when her boyfriend was not around and suddenly she remembered that we were bestfriends then. She just doesnt want to be bestfriends when her boyfriend is around or when she is at college with her other friends. but I think real bestfriends are bestfriends all the time. I dont know what has gotten into her but I am glad I have my new bestfriend (Jesse). Well I think that is all for now. Thanks for reading.
     
  5. CagedBird

    Im Sorry

    By CagedBird,

    I want to start off by apologizing to those of you who read my blog because I know it has been so depressing. I always expect you all to have something good to say no matter how negative my blog is and I thank you all so much. I notice that I seldom write about the good things but everytime Im sad I write. Its not that I want to bring you all down and make you think my life is so horrible. Its just I guess writing is my therapy when I am sad and you all are always so supportive. Well lately I have been sad and crying a lot. My mood has been really down. I have heard bad news from left and right. So much negativity surrounds me everywhere I go on campus and at home. People keep dying or getting into car accidents or having problems or just unhappy with life. It is hard to be happy with so much negativity and barely any positivity in my own life. I dont have a boyfriend anymore so I've had no one to hang out with and take me places. I still have not talked to my old bestfriend so I have no one to talk to on the phone. Everyday I just sit here. I go to class, go to meetings, do community service, study, watch tv, and sit here alone by myself thinking about how pitiful and lonely I am. I am glad I get out of school next Friday but I do not look forward to spending 3 weeks at home with no bestfriend, no boyfriend, no one to talk to, and no transportation to community service, and no schoolwork to keep me busy. I see the depression coming. On top of that I know that after next Friday I will no longer have a 4.0. Everyday I sit here and think about how these things make me sad and how I have nothing to look forward to. Its Christmas season "the most wonderful time of the year". Why do I get depressed everytime the weather turns cold? Maybe its because Im forced to be shut in my room at home when school lets out, or the cold air in my joints stiffen my fingers and tighten my shoulder reminding me how much I hate my arm. Or maybe its because the pessimism in me looks back over the year and sees nothing but mistakes and nothing to look forward to for the new year. I just wish God would send someone into my life to distract me from all the problems I see and take away the pain I feel. I talk to God and I pray but it just confuses me sometimes. Well I have to start on a paper thats due toorrow and its almost 12am so thanks for reading.
  6. CagedBird

    Dear School (poem)

    By CagedBird,

    Feelng overwhelmed with school, I decided to express myself through poetry
    How could you do this to me?
    No longer my friend
    You've become my enemy
    Remember when you were life to me?
    Well lately you've been putting me down
    How could you give me a C?
    Because of you my life hasnt been the same
    I walk to class with my head down.
    I no longer look forward to going to class
    I get my papers back with a frown.
    You make things so difficult
    How can I ever make my daddy proud?
    You used to make me feel like I was on top of the world
    Now I feel like Im below the ground
    When things were going wrong
    You were the only thing that went right
    But you no longer comfort me
    You only keep me up at night.
    When Im stressed out
    I cant turn to you anymore
    You make things worse
    Than they were before
    Ive cheated on you with a thing called life
    You were my first love
    But you lost your spot.
    I don
  7. CagedBird

    Another bad day

    By CagedBird,

    Well yesterday I kind of had a pity party. I was standing in line in he cafeteria and the tray was just too heavy. The lines usually arent that long but there was a different setup for the food. The tray was just too heavy and there was nowhere for me to rest it and I didnt know anyone around me and didnt feel comfortable asking a stranger to hold my tray while they are holding their own on top of standing their for a long time waiting in line so I just left. I barely got through my door before I broke down into tears and I am starting to cry again just thinking about it. It just made me so sad. It just made me tired of being "like this" tired of walking like this, tired of my wrist looking like this, tired of my arm being like this. I wish i could just make it all go away.
    Then I started to get sad about school. School is the only thing Im good at. Its the only thing I CAN do. Even my dad said I use my knowledge to get a good job since I cant do hard labor like my brothers. but at this rate I wil be sitting at home getting ssi for the rest of my life. Im not even good at school anymore. I havent accomplished ANYTHING this semester! Nothing at all. All the pressure is put on me. My brothers stress my dad out so much and he has to do everything for them so he always looks to me to not only do good, but do the best. If I mess up Im just like my brothers and he has no one to be proud of. Then today I went to talk to my american government teacher and he upset me all over again. He doesnt give out As nor does he give perfect scores on assignments so I can kiss the 4.0 away. I kept showing him where my work was correct and he would just make up something about something else I did wrong all of a sudden. I have a test in his class on Monday and a paper due but I see no point in even trying because no matter what he is going to make up reasons not to give me an A. It just really upset me. I dont even want to be in college right now. I used to want to be a criminologist but my law enforcement instructor is a criminologist and Im realizing that is not what I want to do because it does not interest me. The next thing I thought I wanted to do was intelligence studies but I had that misunderstood too. I dont want to do that. after I realized what degrees you need. I dont even know what I want to do with my life. I just feel like a waste of space. Its just so annoying to study so hard and do everything right just for nothing because the instructor and I dont think alike. I dont have a bestfriend to listen to my problems anymore, I cant tell my dad because I dont want to disappoint him and his birthday is tomorrow. I called the school counselor again but still no answer and no help. This blog is all I got. I am just so overwhelmed. I have cried this entire time writing this. I dont know which is worse the headaches I get, the arthritis in my knee from walking so much, or the pain in my arm and fingers from the cold air. I just wish I could curl up in a ball and disappear. Im sorry this is so long but Im going to stop now because my throat is hurting from crying and thinking about all this stuff is making it worse.
  8. CagedBird

    I hate school

    By CagedBird,

    Yes I hate school. Why am I not making As? I am doing the same exact things I did last year yet I have gotten stupid this year. So what should I do? Work my butt off, stress out, and wanna die when I kiss the 4.0 goodbye? Or just keep trying and accept that I am not as smart as everyone expects me to be? I just dont understand. Finals are coming up and I am more nervous than ever because I only have an A in ONE out of my FIVE classes so far. Im worried about every single class. I havent made anything higher than a C in 2 of my hardest classes, my english teacher never gives our papers back so i have no clue how im doing in there, and for some reason my test grades keep dropping 10 points in my other class. It did not help to miss class the one day the instructor gave extra credit and too bad i couldnt study the day before test because cold medicine knocked me out unil the next morning. I feel like such a failure. Im finally done with Dracula but now I have 1 vampire project due on monday and another due when we get back from thanksgiving break. I also have a paper due when we get back. but right now I am volunteering eeryday from the time I get out of class until 6 in the evening so I can finish my community service hours. Im just so tired of this. I wish things would go back to the way they were last year. I wish I wouldve never made a 4.0 so everyone wouldnt expect so much from me. Well its 12am and I still have to study 2 subjects (5 chapters) before I get up in the morning for my 8am class. Please pray for me.
  9. CagedBird

    The Colonoscopy

    By CagedBird,

    Well yesterday wasent so bad. Not eating didnt really bother me and I found that drinking the stuff through a straw realy fast wasent so bad. I mixed in a cherry flavor pack so it kind of tasted like strawberry milk. It wasent until 2 hours later when it started working that the naussea and vomiting started. It took everything in me to finish the entire 4 liters. I went to sleep at about 2:00am and had to get up at 6am. The procedure went well. There was no cancer or polyps. I have a hemorrhoid though. I dont really understand how I have one at such a young age but the doctor said it can be treated with over the counter medicine. I am still getting over a cold I caught about a week ago so. My dad wants to keep an eye on me so I wont be going back to school until tomorrow. I am still stressed over school. I have a month (minus thanksgiving break) to complete 20 community service hours and 3 week to turn my Cs and Bs into As and get ready for finals while remaining active in my clubs & organizations as president, financial secretary, team leader, webmaster, and member of 2 other clubs. Please pray for my strength. Tomorrow I have a full day ahead of me starting from class at 10am until a meeting that doesnt end until 8:30 at night. I guess then I will try to catch up on work I missed. So for now I am going to write my thesis for dracula, review Biology, SHOWER, and get some more rest. Thanks everyone for your continous support
    P.S I really enjoyed reading about Sharon in this month's newsletter. Knowing that she experienced the same thing I did and went on to earn a PhD really inspired me not to give up and keep doing the best I can in school.
  10. CagedBird

    I Fell Again

    By CagedBird,

    Today I was walking up stairs and I fell. Luckily, my boyfriend was right behind me so he helped me up. Ofcourse I fell on my left side so now my knee hurts and for a couple of seconds after I fell, I was limping. I lose my balance a lot. This didnt used to happen. I feel dizzy often like I am going to have a seizure and lose my balance a lot like I am going to fall. But remember the MRI and EEG showed that nothing is wrong with my brain so I dont know. This was my 2nd time falling since last uear and before last year I had not fell since 2003. I guess I have just been doing to much walking. I dont know.
    I went to the doctor yesterday and the day before. The podiatrist gave me a cotton protector thing to put around my toe because he said my foot rubs my shoe causing damage to my toe. He also recommended that I get padding for my high arch since my foot flops over when I walk. The day before yesterday I went to the stomach doctor. Unfortunately, I have to get a colonoscopy. This means I have to drink gallons of nasty liquid and eat nothing for an entire day until my colon is completely empty then undergo a procedure where the doctor looks at my colon to check for polyps and stuff. I am dreading it but I guess its for the best.
    Being on campus has kind of gotten back to normal lately. People are speaking to me again and being nice although there are still ignorant ones (as always). I have decided not to stress about grades. I am trying my best. I have come to the realization that I am not going to have a 4.0 anymore though. I am just thankful that I kept my 4.0 last year so if I get a couple of Bs, my gpa should remain high enough to keep my scholarship. I am really only worried about 2 classes. I might have to settle for a B in Biology because I just can not get it and in my other class I just might get a C because everyone fails the test. I actually got the highest grade on our last test which was an 81. I have a horrible instructor for that class.
    Well thats about it. Please pray for my knee and my balance and my dizziness. and my grades!
  11. CagedBird
    Well I really havent been doing much lately. I have to complete 30 hours of community service for my scholarship requirement but I am still waiting on organizations to contact me. I have not started tutoring yet because I need transportation. On Saturday I went to a mentor training because I was invited to mentor children with incarcerated parents and at risk youth. but i dont think I want to do it. I think Im a great role model but I dont have transportation and as a mentor I would have to pick my mentee up and take them places. On top of that no one under 18 can come to my apartment because of liability so I really wouldnt be able to do anything with my mentee. Maybe I will try next year. Yesterday I drove home from my apartment again (about 15 miles.) Then I drove to the store and back home. My dad said he will be sending me to the store by myself before I know it. I hope the DMV approves of my driving next July. I like driving with my dad though. I feel more secure.
    Oh yeah the parade was pretty good. Sorry no pics. My mom, dad, and grandma all forgot the camera. My arm was so tired of waiving! I waved for atleast 2 hours and everytime I would stop to rest my arm someone else would start waiving at me! I was glad when it was over lol. We won the homecoming game and the stepshow was so much fun. Therefore, my stroke anniversary was the best so far. I guess 7 is my lucky number?
    I still have not talk to my "best friend". I dont know if shes not calling because shes mad at me or because Im not calling her. What hapend was about a month ago her boyfriend went psycho on her. She told me the entire story from beginning to end and her boyfriend is really crazy and needs help. So instead of telling her parents, she decided to keep it from them and try to work things out with her boyfriend although this is not the first time he has lashed out on her and made her feel unsafe. All I said was she should have told someone what happend then she got all mad and told me she regrets even telling me the story because now she's afraid that I might tell someone or already have. This hurt me because she already doesnt tell me anything. Ever since her boyfriend came into the picture 3 years ago, he has become her new BFF she tells all her secrets too. She claims I told 2 of her secrets from a long time ago. Even though I didnt. So I felt like well don't tell me anything anymore. She cant even trust me and we are supposed to be bestfriends even though I tell her everything. I just felt really offended for her to say that. And I felt hurt that she is letting him come between our friendship AGAIN after time and time again. It really isnt fair. When she is at my house she has to talk to him on the phone or "hell go psycho" as she says and when Im at her house he gets mad if she doesnt talk to him. yet when she is with him she doesnt even answer my calls. I have been dealing with this for 3 years and I really dont care anymore. When he was at training all summer, I let her hang out with me but as soon as he came back, she didnt even so much as to say goodbye before she went to college because she was too busy with him. Bestfriends dont let guys come in between. Not to mention, this is my COUSIN for crying outloud. We have been best friends since we were in diapers, not just 3 years. but its ok. I have other friends and I have a new boyfriend so when her boyfriend goes to Alaska she better not come crying back to me because I am tired of being nice and I will give her the cold shoulder just like she is doing to me.
    Sorry that was so long. It was my first time venting about HER but Im done now. I will update later this week after my doctor appointments.
  12. CagedBird

    I wrote a poem

    By CagedBird,

    i decided to post my poem today since I will probably be busy all day tomorrow. I hope you all enjoy!
     
    7 years ago I couldnt lift my head
    confined to the hospital bed, the surgeons thought i was dead
    they told my family the chaplain was on his way
    the devil wanted to take me
    but God wanted me to stay
    They said I might not make it through the night
    but they didnt know I was a warrior
    prepared to fight
    They said after so much brain damage I wouldnt remember a thing
    so much struggle, the future would bring
    they said I might come out mute, deaf, or blind
    but for sure, I'd lose my mind
    literally ofcourse,
    they removed 1/4 of my brain
    they put a plate in my head
    but im far from insane
    You see I come a long way from 10/18/01
    they thought my life was done
    but really it had just begun
    I was chosen with a plan in mind
    I had to move forward
    and not look behind
    yes it was hard
    but I have come a long way
    I said I am a warrior
    ready to fight anyday
    to erase the doubt and defeat the odds
    to leave you amazed and surprised
    when i tell you i had 16 surgeries on the brain
    when i tell you i used to be in a wheelchair
    then walked with a cane
    Yes my arm is bent
    but Im not ashamed to be a G.I.M.P
    a gorgeous independent mobile person
    who cares if i walk with a limp
    some people THINK what I CANT do
    but I KNOW what I CAN
    who else do you know
    who can tie their shoes using one hand?
    do their hair, and make a ponytail too
    cook dinner and wash dishes
    (just to name a few)
    So dont frown and feel pity
    but smile when you see me
    i know you see my struggle
    but do you see my victory?
  13. CagedBird
    Yesterday I told a friend of mine who is in a wheelchair, about the Association of Individuals with Disabilities and how I am trying to get it started and he said he would join. So I am finally getting support. Then today I met another guy in a wheelchair and he said he would join. He told me there are actally 16 or 17 other people on campus in wheelchairs and there is a blind professor on campus. And I thought I was the only disabled one! I really enjoyed talking to him. He didnt go into detail of how he got into the wheelchair but we talked for about an hour. He told me about how his wife left him 3 years after his accident because she couldnt take him being in the chair by himself, in his chair. He told me about how he works, go to school, takes care of his two kids, and volunteers at the rehab center. It was motivation I really needed. He also told me about the APA. He is actually a pro at playing pool from his wheelchair and he has a friend who is better than him and uses one hand to play pool. He told me a story of a quad who started walking 7-10 years after the docs said he'd nevr walk again. He told me about how he exercises his legs at the gym and not just is arms even though he is paralyzed waist down. He reminded me that anything is possible. It was so motivating especially knowing that it has been 7 years for him just like me and he still has so much hope. I put a couple of things on my to do list:
    1. Learn how to play pool so I can feel like Im good at something besides school
    2. Exercise my left side
    3. Believe anything is possible
    4. Never give up hope
    5. Attend the stroke support group and tbi meetings at the rehab center
    6. Volunteer with rec therapy helping the stroke and spinal cord injury patients
    7. Dont be afraid to get my club out there and be an advocate for people with disabilities
    I actually feel like he was a blessing sent to me. The perfect motivation 3 days before my 7 year anniversary. Confirmation that my labor for this club might not be in vain. and another reason to be proud to be a survivor. After we talked, I walked away with pride. I didnt care that my arm was bent. I wanted people to see me as different to see me as inspiration. For once this year I actually wanted my disability to be obvious. I WILL be riding in the parade as Miss Disabilities on my 7 year stroke anniversary, I will be at the homecoming game, and I finally hung out with my friends from last year and they invited me to the step show with them. Thanks everyone for your prayers! I realized that the 1 thing that makes me most happy is when my disabilities are looked at as a blessing instead of a curse. When i get positive attention, when I feel appreciated, when I can help others with disabilities.
    Right now it doesnt matter to me that I lost my "bestfriend" to her boyfriend. It doesnt matter that I havent gone to any of the homecoming events this week. It doesnt matter that I only got 2 As out of 5 of my classes on my midterm.
    What matters is that I have been reunited with my old friends. I will be at the all 3 of the best homecoming activities on Saturday. I have As in the 2 clases for my major which is most important. I still have time to bring my grades up. I made a B in a class where I failed the first test.I made a C in a class where I failed the first test and my teacher hasent showed up since. And I am making a B in a class about vampires! Before I found out Im going to be in the parade, before I met my new friend, it was hard for me to find this motivation. So I am thankful for the blessings God sent to cheer me up including every one of you all who care about me
     
  14. CagedBird
    Hello everybody,
    Well I did not do so well on midterms. I have 4 out of 5 of my grades posted. 2 As, 1 B, and 1 C so far. I cant really feel relieved that midterms are over. Instead, it is more stress for me to do better. I do pat myself on the back for pulling a B and C in the clases I had Fs in. I am now a team leader and financial secretary in one of the clubs Im in and the webmaster of another club. I am also a member of 2 other clubs and 2 student leadership programs Soon I will be doing community service with the elementary schools and mentoring and tutoring elementary and middle school students. I have to complete 30 hours of community service as a scholarship requirement and it is pressure to get the hours done ASAP since it is already halfway through the semester. Keep me in your prayers PLEASE
    I did not have much of a fall break. As some of you know from chat, I have spent the last 3 days reading Dracula for my English Lit Honors class. Well I am on page 55. Hopefully I will have page 331 read before Monday. Pray for me PLEASE.
    As some of you also know from chat, I went to the Start! Heart Walk today. It was not really what I expected. I did not really meet any new people. I invited my mom to walk with me so I could have someone to lean on when I got tired. I seen one person who had a stroke when I was leaving but mostly everyone there were donators from companies or families of people with heart disease. It did feel good to walk the 5 miles though and crossing the Finish line after walking non stop was a wonderful feeling. I am glad I could participate and yes I was wearing the stroke survivor t-shirt I purchased from the strokenet store. I wore it with pride.
    In other news, I finally talked to the school counselor the other day. It did not really help as always. I am still stressed and lonely and just not feeling like my usual self. Everytime someone ask me how Im doing, I always say ok, and they always say just ok?It gets kind of annoying when everyone ask that. I always say Yes Just ok! I wish I could say Great but that would be a lie. I just feel like there is something missing. I am such a complainer, I always want what I cant have then when I do get it I dont appreciate it. Im never satisfied. I think I just need a close friend right now. Someone I can talk to. Someone I can relax with after class. Someone I can go out and have fun with on weekends. All I do is study, go to meetings, stress, and worry (and pray).
    I drove some more today.I actually drive a pretty good distance. Once Sunday morning I drove a good 10 miles from my apartment to church on the other side of town. My dad is talking about taking me on a road trip to maybe the border or South Carolina so I can practice changing lanes once I get better at driving. I hope the DMV will see me fit for a license next July. I will definately have enough practice.
    Well i am sorry this is so long. I really dont have anyone else to talk to so I just go on and on in the blogs. Thanks for listening everyone. I dont know what I would do without you all
  15. CagedBird

    Well

    By CagedBird,

    I just wanted to let you all know im ok so you can stop pming, commenting, and e-mailing. I appreciate you all. I am sorry for being rude. I was just really upset and I misplaced my anger. My emotions have been stable lately. I have not felt extremely great but not extremely sad either. I guess I am just trying to accept that things will never go back to the way they were when everything was perfect. I guess my freshman year was the highest point in my life and what made it even better was that it was wonderful despite my disabilities. This year on the otherhand, did not get off to a good start and it seem like my disabilities just made it worse. I had my doctor's appointment. I have to go see the gastroetenerologist to make sure there is nothing wrong with my colon. I found out my blood count is low so the doc wants me to start on multivitamins again. Exactly 2 weeks until my dreaded "anniversary. Fortunately it falls on the same day as Homecoming so I will have the football game and step show to keep my mind off of the grief. It would have been great to ride in the parade as Miss Association of Individuals with Disabilities on the same day as my stroke anniversary, but oh well. I tried. The Sandhills Heart Walk is next Friday and I cant wait to go. I went a couple of years back but it rained so I couldnt stay. This year I am looking forward to walking an talking with other stroke survivors. I am kind of stressed right now because I have midterms next week and as I said before, I am not doing good this semester. It does not help to have so much pressure on me from EVERYONE. It i like everyone expects me to be the perfect genius. I guess everyone thinks I did it before so I can do it again. If only they could understand. All I can do is try and I am trying hard so I ask for your prayers as I prepare for midterms this weekend and take them on Tuesday and Wednesday. I forgot to mention my good news in the mist of all the sadness. Well about a week ago, I practiced driving with my dad. I drove the longest distance so far, I made a u-turn, and parked between 2 cars. I felt very accomplished and looking forward to driving again. Well I must get back to studying now
  16. CagedBird

    i hear you but..

    By CagedBird,

    Look there is nothing I can do for myself. I talked to a psychologist years ago but my insurance would not cover it and i am too busy with school, community service, and clubs to even try to get a ride to the psychlogisyt everyday. antidepressants? nope. i attempted suicide a couple times before by overdosing on some old meds so no shrink is going to give me medicine. school sounselor? nope. i used to talk to her last year and she didnt help at all. this year she doesnt even return my phone calls and she is never in her office. i dont trust my peers enough to tell them my problems and my bestfriend is always preoccupied with her boyfriend. i try to talk to God but he wont talk back. dont worry about me committing suicide. i already tried and it doesnt work. i even pray for God to take me at night before i go to sleep. nothing works. im just doomed to suffer on this horrible earth. yeah i am young. i have my whole life ahead of me. thinking of that just makes me even more sad. i experienced more at a younger age than most people do at midlife crisis and i never heard that life will get easier. just something i wrote the other night
    Take me away from the clouds overhead
    Take me away from the land of the dead
    Take me away from the lies and distrust
    Take me away from the temptations and lust
    Take me away from the economic crisis
    Take me away from the high gas prices
    Take me away from the violence and crimes
    Take me away from the signs of the times
    Take me away from the little faith and disbelief
    Take me away from the overwhelming grief
    Tae me away from the argments and fights
    Take me away from the sleepless nights
    Take me now, my last request
    Into the kingdom of happiness

  17. CagedBird

    no more comments? :(

    By CagedBird,

    Hi everyone. I only got 4 comments on my last entry so I guess nobody loves me anymore . Well for the few of you who are interested in what goes on in my life, I have decided to give u an update...
    Midterms were great. I made As in all 6 of my classes. Fall break, however wasen't so great. Sitting at home with nothing to do for 2 days reminded me of how depressed I was in high school and made me realize how greatful I am that I am in college away from that hell hole (my room) and I have so many friends to hang out with here who accept me for who I am. I also found out one of my good friends here can not see on her left side so she isn't allowed to drive neither but she didn't even have a stroke. She was just born that way. She did get a license though and she assured me that I will most likely get mine too in time. As for other school news, I am now president of the Individuals with Disabilities club, I will be speaking on the show airing on the community channel, and I WILL be riding in the Homecoming parade on Saturday as Miss Individuals with Disabilities! I am so excited about that.
    In other news, I had an appointment with my pain management doctor yesterday. I discussed with him the concerns I had about the baclofen and he lowered my dosage. He assured me that the baclofen won't cause me to have seizure unless I abruptly stopped taking it and he lowered my dosage. Starting tonight, I will take half of the pill (5 mg) 3 nights in a row. Then I will take half in the morning and at night for 3 days. If I continue to not experience any problems I will start taking the half 3 times a day and in 3 weeks, I will move up to the regular dosage of 10 mg 3 times a day. I sure hope this works. Because of the cold weather I have been having pains in my arm and shoulder and just recently the back of my ankle feels like its pulling each time I walk. I also want to meet with the doctor who makes my brace because I just got it this summer but have not worn it ever since I started college because it hurts my foot so bad. but I do believe it helps me walk better so hopefully I can meet with him soon about fixing it for the 3rd time.
    Well I have to go start on a 3 page paper which is due tomorrow as well as some other work so bye.
  18. CagedBird

    ....

    By CagedBird,

    I hate life. Its so stupid. Why do good things even happen if bad things follow it? Whats the point in getting happy just to get slapped in the face with sadness? Why do people attend your funeral but wasent even there to kep you from killing yourself. why is everyone so selfish. what is love?
    fathers abandon sons
    mothers choose men over daugters
    families hate each other
    friends forget about each other
    husband and wife divorce
    people say no one can love me until i love myself. but how am i supposed to love myself i dont even know what love means? why when i talk to God he dont talk back? Why diid God put sickness on earth. why is it so hard to get in heaven and take so long. why does God kill people who werent ready to die but make people who attempt suicide suffer even more on earth. why somebody who smoke live their whole life with no stroke but inncocent young person strokes.
    i domt undesrstand. im tired of trying
  19. CagedBird

    Depression

    By CagedBird,

    I kind of dont want to write this because Im tired of crying and expressing my emotions make me feel worse to think about how I feel. I feel depressed. I feel so sad. There is so many bad things in my life and nothing good. Times like this I cant even think of a reason to smile. One bad day turns into 2 bad days turns into a bad week turns into a bad weekend. My bad outweighs my good. Even when something good happens, Im so depressed that it doesnt even matter. At night, I cant sleep. When I wake up, I dont feel like going to class. In class, I cant concentrate and Im failing half of my classes. When I get out of class I sit in my room. I joined clubs and organizations but anything other than attending meetings requires transportation which I dont have. At lunch I eat by myself. I dont go to events on campus anymore. People don't smile at me anymore. They just stare. The arthritis in my knee makes walking campus very tiring. Schedules conflict with my old friends so I never see them anymore. When I go home, I am surrounded by hatred and dysfunction in my household. My stroke "anniversary" is in 3 weeks ad I cant help but wish God would have taken me 7 years ago. I made an appointment with the doctor because my cancer symptoms have gotten worse and the doctor is concerned because of my family history with cancer. (My mom had it.) My efforts to build an advocacy group for individuals with disabilities and exceptional children has been shot down by no support system. Im running out of tissue now
  20. CagedBird

    its too late

    By CagedBird,

    Lately I have been feeling really down and I know you all usually tell me to think of all that I accomplished my first year in college but that does not help anymore. It only makes things worse because it reminds me how wonderful last year was compared to this year. I started school a couple of weeks ago. I am now living in an apartment on campus with roommates so I feel more independent. but I also spend a lot of time alone in my room. Usually when I am sad, being at school or thinking of accomplishments would make me feel better. but now being at school feels no different than sitting at home and thinking of accomplishments only makes me sad that I cant go back to those times when I was doing so much and stressed to keep the 4.0 this time around. I just want to forget about it.
    I get so frustrated I feel like Im never getting any better with the hand and it makes me mad. Im convinced Im never getting any better. I try so hard. I exercise, I stretch, I try to use arm, try to straighten it when I walk and try not to limp but its no use. I wish I could go back to 2001 and tell the o/t to start exercising my hand and stop making me only use my right hand. I wish I could go back to 2002 and spend my year homebound from school exercising. I wish I could go back to 2003 and practice raising my left arm to answer questions in school instead of just leaving it folded in my lap. I wish somebody would have given me a hand splint to wear everyday. I wish someone would have told me about botox and baclofen when it could actually help. but i cant. its too late. this is the way its going to be. as i said in my last post on the boards, it feels like stroke isnt about getting back to normal but about adapting to a stroke. Why didnt the o/t try to help me use my left hand the month after the stroke? Why did she only work on everday living using my right hand for 6 months? because she knew my left hand was hopeless. Im sorry I just hate spending days with that stupid splint on my hand just to take it off and my wrist drops back down. i hate stretching my fingers just for them to curl right back up and raising my arm as high as i can just for it to get weak and fall back down then not even fall down to my side but merely bend at my albow and hit my stomach.
    I dont need to hear I am a pretty girl, I am smart, I accomplished so much. That doesnt change anything. All in all, I just wish I knew then what I know now. In my last post I was happy with being a survivor and Im not saying I wish I never had the stroke. I am proud to say I survived. I just wish I could be better by now so I could have a true story to tell but I think God ran out of miracles for me after that day in November 2001 when I started walking again
  21. CagedBird

    i wont complain

    By CagedBird,

    Well I went to 2 more doctor appointments. The neurologist said the EEG and MRI didnt show anythng abnormal but I checked my blood pressure at the neurologist, pain management doctor, and drug store and everyone agreed that my blood pressure is very low. The pain management doc didnt have any new news for me. I showed him things like the hess, saeboflex, and walkaid from the Stroke Connections magazine but he said that I wouldnt qualify for any of that stuff unless I had a new stroke. So much for that. I also got my new brace a couple of weeks ago. I think I have been walking better and it was made at an angle that leans my leg forward so it stops my knee from popping back. I have also been driving more. I am still trying to get the hang of using the wheel knob. I usually practice on the rural back roads with less traffic but I have been out on the four lane highway a couple of times. I have to constantly scan to compensate for vision loss but my dad said I am doing exceptionally well for a beginner.
    In other news, I went on a four day trip to Virginia for an honors student conference. It was fun but it was a lot of walking and a lot of workshops. I met a lot of important people like one of the U.S ambassadors, a recruiter from the CIA, and the mayor of Virginia among other big corporate people. It was very exciting. We even traveled to Blacksburg, Virginia and visited Virginia Tech. There was a street fair there and I actually seen a young guy wearing a leg brace and using a walker. It was an inspiration to me to see him out there in the mist of all of those people and not letting anything stop him. I met 2 more special people while at the conference. One day while trying to get up the stairs with my heavy notebook, a student offered to help me. We got to talking and I shared my story. Surprisingly, he had a story to tell too. When he was 3, a brick wall fell on him. He didnt have a stroke but he did crack his skull so we both had that in common, that we both had a craniotomy and were miracles! The following day, I met a senior scholar. As we began talking about careers and education, she told me that her mother had an aneurysm and a stroke. She shed many tears of joy as we spoke for the next 15 minutes. She told me how much of an inspiration I was to her everytime she seen me and how I dont even know how I inspire people by just going on and not letting anything stop me. I told her about all of the resources like this site and sites for single handed aides her mother could use, and the wonderful One Handed in a Two Handed World book. I definately feel like it was a reason we met that day. Its times like that Im reminded why God hasent fully recovered me. As long as he uses me to inspire others I wont complain!
  22. CagedBird

    GUESS WHAT?

    By CagedBird,

    The DMV is allowing me to obtain a learner's permit! I just got the letter in the mail. The medical review board put cerain restrictions on my permit such as using the knob on the steering wheel and I can only drive with my dad. My dad really helped at the hearing. Fortunately, he has 2 SUVS that he drives and the board agrees that is the best vehicle for me to drive because another restriction they placed on my permit was that I have to drive with bigger mirrors and the mirrors on his suvs are huge. I am so glad my dad was there at the hearing because he helped the board to see that I am an intelligent young lady who uses good judgement and my dad wont hesitate to stop me from driving if he sees that its not working because my safety and everyone else's safety comes first. I also asked about driving rehabilitation programs and if a driving class would be beneficial for me but to my surprise the head doctor actually told me my dad could do a better job at teaching me how to drive than the class. I was surprised but I am glad I asked because if not, I would have wasted a lot of money on the class!
    Also, when I was in Raleigh, I seen a stroke survivor in person for the first time in a long time. The last time I seen survivors was at a troke support group meeting but since everyone was sitting down I could not really tell what type of effects the stroke had on them and none of them even looked like they had a stroke. But the lady I seen crossing the road reminded me of how I was when I first had my stroke. I am guessing it was a home health care nurse but she was holding her arm as she took baby steps and I noticed her hand was just like mine. I wanted to stop and talk to her so bad but I was already late to the hearing. Seeing her did make me realize just how far I've come from. I have a slight limp but I can walk very fast and there was a time when I had to hold on to a cane and take baby steps just like her. Sometimes I forget that since it was so long ago and take my ability to walk for granted so after seeing that lady, it really made me realize just how far I have come. My new AFO should be ready next week and it is supposed to keep my knee from popping back so I hope I will be walking better than ever pretty soon. The next doctor appointment I have is the EEG next Thursday so I will update on how that goes.
    Thanks everyone for your prayers and encouragement, I will be sure to let you know when I go get my permit and start practice driving with my dad!
  23. CagedBird
    Last week I went to see the pain management doctor. He put me on naproxen for the arthritis and it seems to be working. He also said the knee brace I bought from Wal Mart was not working so I have an appointment on Monday to get sized for another AFO. He also told me the wrist support I was wearing was not helping and to wear the splint which straightens my wrist and fingers as much as possible. Sometime it is discouraging seeing him because he always prescribes medicine. I am up to 2030 mg of meds daily. I guess its worth it. I just wish he had a magical pill that would put me back to normal again . Its like he tries to work his way around the stroke and make up solutions for the minor things...but I guess that is his job.
    Today I went to see the neurologist. I told him about my headaches and seizure-like feelings so I have to go back for an MRI and EEG to make sure everything is ok. My dad is worried because he just took me off his work insurance since I receive medicaid now and he is scared I am going to use up all of my doctor visits for the year. Has this happend to anyone?
    Well in other news I have done a lot of sitting around the house. I only work at my internship twice every 2 weeks so I have had a lot of time on my hands. On Monday I cleaned up my room from 8 in the morning until 8 that night and did laundry (including hanging my clothes on the line single handedly) :Clap-Hands: . My dad was so proud of me that he cried because my room is spotless and I guess it amazes him at how much I can do using one hand. I have also been trying to exercise more. I have been wearing the splint for majority of the day and I try to exercise the arm in hopes of it looking better in time for school. I am thinking of prchasing a Nintendo Wii and buying the Wii fit. I never played it but I know it is an exercise game so it could possibly help with motivation to exercise. Oh yeah I also cooked dinner one day. I made beef stir fry with corn and beef fried rice. I like to cook because it makes me feel good.
    Well just in case I dont write again before Thursday, wish me luck on persuading the DMV to allow me to drive.
  24. CagedBird
    My trip was very relaxing. Our hotel was oceanfront so at night we just go to sleep with the window open and listen to the ocean. I liked staying in the resort but I did not like the beach so much. For one, I wore sandals so the sand and rocks got in my shoes and hurt my left foot. I dont know about you all but a crumb feels like a nail to the bottom of my affected foot so those seashells and rocks made it hard for me to walk whenever they got in my shoe especially when the sand was really thick. On the brighter side, the water felt good to my foot though. The only other thing I did not like was my bathing suit. I always wear jeans because I hate when people stare at my brace on my leg. so wearing the skirt with my bathing suit made me feel like all eyes were on me. Does anyone else feel that way? That is also the reason I choose not to wear dresses Other than that, my vacation was pretty good. It felt good just to get away and relax.
    Today I had jury duty but the trial was dismissed until tomorrow so I am done for the next 2 years. I also started back at my internship so I ended up staying at the courthouse for almost 11 hours today. I really wish I had a car! Speaking of driving, my hearing with the DMV medical review bored is scheduled in July. I really hope I dont get turned down for the 3rd time. Speaking of appointments, I go see my pain management doctor on Thursday and the neurologist next week. So many appointments! I just hope they're all worth it.
  25. CagedBird
    My birthday was so wonderful! It started with my boyfriend taking me to a fancy japanese restaurant where the chef coks the food at a stovetop in the midde of your dinner table and does funny tricks like flip the bowl in his hat and stuff. The food was great! (It was my first time eating japanese food). It was so much fun. Afterwards, I got my real present, an 18 kt gold over sterling silver bracelet! with pink sapphires! Then we went to watch a movie. I was smiling from ear to ear! When I finally got home it was kind of scary because there was a bad thunder/lightening storm lastnight and I was home by myself and the power went out for a little bit but I acted like a 19 year old and stayed calm! My other gifts included a desk from my dad, and my brother got me a cd and a card. This was most definantly my best birthday ever! If you are wondering where the cake and icecream is, I ate that on Thursday when my supervisors took me out to lunch! I made the best out of this birthday. Each year I always get down and sad because I still cant move my hand. but this birthday I was just happy to be alive and have so many amazing people who care about me! I may not have gotten a car or a license but I have everything else I've ever wanted! On Wednesday, my dad and I will be going to the beach because we both need a vacation and its kind of like a birthday/father's day getaway. I can't wait!