CagedBird

I looked to my left and seen the corner of the Army Humvee protruding through my car window. Just a few inches closer and it would've bashed into my head. I looked down at the broken glass from my window sitting in my lap. As the medics took my vitals, the police officer told me I was lucky to be alive. In my mind I asked God why didn't he just kill me...I remained calm until the medic told me I needed to go to the hospital.Suddenly I heard sounds of the ambulance siren, felt the bumpy ride underneath the stretcher as I looked through the back window of the van and tried not to inhale the plastic from the oxygen mask placed on my face. It was 2001 and I was having a seizure. I tuned back in. I heard something about x-rays and scans. I burst into tears as I convinced the medic I didn't need to go to the hospital. Today, July 18 around 7:50 a.m. I got in a car accident not even a month after getting my license. I was hit by an Army humvee on my way to work. There was something about the day I got my license that told me I couldn't get too excited. Sure I made a big step in my journey to independence but the hard part had just begun. It didn't take long for me to realize I hated driving. I'd rode in the passenger seat for so long and come to accept the fact I would never be able to drive, soon I didn't even want to drive anymore but once I got my license I was up for the challenge. Each morning I would get on my knees and pray for safety and protection, take my time driving, scan to compensate for my vision loss, and avoid switching lanes as much as possible. It was tough but hey I'd finally gotten what I wanted right? I was driving right? Why complain. As I wrote at the beginning of this entry, when I got in the accident and was told I should go to the hospital, I became hysterical. The last time I was in an emergency vehicle was the first time I had a grand mal seizure before the stroke. I didn't want those memories but it seems like I just can't change my past. I cried myself to sleep last night because of my past. I have been through so much and I can't fix anything. No amount of exercise I do can change the fact that I cant move my hand and no exercise can bring back my vision and make driving easier. I prayed for a little bit longer this morning. God had finally given me a car, a license, and a job and all I could do was think of the fact I still cant move my hand or see on my left side. Maybe God made me get hit by the humvee as my punishment for not being thankful enough. Maybe things in my life were going to well that I needed something else to really upset me besides the depression from the stroke that gets to me occasionally. I remember walking away from home in the middle of the road hoping to get ran over and killed after I got that letter from DMV that I would never be given a license back in 2006. I remember asking God why he didnt just kill me during the brain surgeries. I remember swallowing all those pills after telling God if he didn't kill me I would just kill myself. Today all of these memories came back. Im so ashamed to go back to work tomorrow. Everyone was so happy for me when I got the license. I was so happy to be driving myself to work every morning. Now I have no car, it will only be a matter of time before the review board takes my license away, and I have to figure out how I will get to work. Frustrated with God, I dont feel the need to pray or read the bible. I just wish I would've died today. I can't remember the last time I was truly happy. I hate my life. I hate myself.

It definitely feels good to finally have my license. It would feel even better if my dad would lighten up! Friday was my first time driving to work by myself. On my way home I passed my dad and he turned around to catch up with me. By the time we made it home he still had tears in his eyes and hugged me as soon as I got out the car. He always blocks my car in the garage and parks the other cars behind it so I can't leave unless someone else knows. I try to obey his wishes by compromising. The other day I followed him to the nail shop to get my pedicure then followed him back since he was waiting for me in the parking lot. He really needs to ease up. I am his baby girl so it's like Im 16 just getting my license. I know any parent is going to worry when their child is on the road by themselves but I think my dad has always been overprotective of me so this is getting annoying. This morning I told him I knew how to get to church but of course he didn't believe me so once again I followed him but after that I had to put my foot down. I knew he was on the way to the church so I could follow him back but I left without him anyway. I showed him that I could successfully make it back home on my own. I knew I needed food for my lunch this week and he'd already told me not to go back out but I didnt care. I called him and told him I was going to the store. It felt so great. It was nothing like the last time I went to the store. Yesterday I drove to Wal Mart by myself and I felt so much anxiety. I was constantly looking to my left to make sure no one was about to walk into me and I just felt so alone and awkward. Im so used to being with my mom or dad. I felt like everyone was staring at me and I was so happy to get out of there. But today I felt complete opposite at the grocery store (probably because I felt more confidence after not taking no for an answer from my dad). It felt great to drive to the store on my own, do my own grocery shopping, and pay for it with my own money, then drive back home. I really felt independent. I got a small buggy that was easy to push with one hand and just took my time to straighten my arm as I walked. I think this made me feel more comfortable and not like everyone was staring at me. When I got home I called my dad once again to let him know I made it back from the store. He wasn't happy but I am glad I am showing him I can be independent and it feels great. Btw, Wal Mart and the grocery store are both only 5 minutes from my house. Work and church are 30 minutes but I have practiced driving there enough with my dad and my brother that I take the same route with the least traffic and least lane changes. It sure feels good to finally be independent

I started drivers ed on the day of my 17th birthday back in June 2006 waking up at 6am every morning of my summer. I never finished because I indicated on my form that I'd had a seizure in 2005. After 2 months of drivers ed and successfully passing the classroom portion, I got the devastating news that I would be permanently denied of a drivers license. My pediatric neurologist whom I hadn't seen since I was a kid, indicated on my medical records that not only did I not have any peripheral vision but I also had epilepsy. During this time I was deeply depressed. I was being picked on every day at school, my only friend ditched me for her new boyfriend, and to top it off, I had no left field vison, no use of my left hand, and a very visible limp. While my peers were bragging about their forst jobs and people younger than I were getting new cars, I was getting turned down from jobs and had to come to the realization that I would never be able to change anything because of the stroke. I walked away away from home many times and even did things like taking too much of my pain medicine. Just the thought that I was being permanently denied of a license because of things beyond my control made me see no point in living. I was tired of being trapped in my dungeon of a bedroom. I wanted freedom. I wanted to get away but the DMV was telling me that would never be an option. I went back to the DMV when I turned 18 in June 2007 thinking I would be given an clean slate as an adult. After passing the written test, the sign test, and the vision test, I approached the desk of the examiner. She asked about my hand and called the medical review board who told her I STILL could not get a license. I took home more medical papers, waited, and was told I needed a special vision test. I went to another town to take that test in hopes that I would finally get my license, but after waiting was disappointed to read that the dmv still denied me of driving. I took the drivers evaluation test at rehab in hopes that this would make a difference and passed the test but of course the dmv wrote me back still saying NO. Finally I took matters into my own hand. I traveled to Raleigh and had a hearing with the medical review board in July 2008. I was thrilled when I finally got a letter in the mail saying I could get a learners permit. A year later, I went to renew my permit but the instructor failed me during the drivers test for not stopping twice at the stop sign, I went back and passed the test but received a letter that I still could only drive with a parent. During these years not only was I waiting an entire year to be reevaluated but I also had to wait months to get appointments with all of my doctors (family physician, neurologist, and optometrist), wait for the paperwork to get back to Raleigh, then wait for Raleigh to make their decision. After sending in my medical forms to Raleigh in December 2010, what was supposed to take 6-8 weeks turned into 5 months. I finally got a letter in April saying that I was still only approved for a permit with my parents only. I made a post on here and took everyone's advice! I called Raleigh, talked with the medical review board, called the dmv here and was given the wonderful news that as long as I've had my permit for a year and pass the drivers test, I can get my license now. After spending months looking for a car it was time for me to get my first check. I bought my car on June 4 and purchased insurance. I was told I had to get my license within 20 days but I had to wait 2 more weeks so I could get more time off from work. Today was the only day I could get my license. I used all my time from work and my insurance policy would get messed up if I waited any longer. Nervous as ever, I decided to go to a different dmv in a smaller town. I realized my horn didn't work, almost ran off the road when backing in a straight line, and my examiner had to stay on the phone with the dmv in Raleigh for nearly 15 minutes waiting for confirmation that I didn't have to drive with a parent anymore, but I am proud to say I passed the driver's test and today I was awarded my driver's license! First God gave me friends in college when I used to be friendless, then he gave me a job for people with disabilities when I used to get turned down for being disabled, and now the same people that denied me of a license so many times before, have placed it in my hand. I can't believe it. It feels so surreal.

Hi everyone I just wanted to say I feel better now. Ever since I finished therapy I had been feeling negative. My last 2 blogs and last post on the forums pretty much summed up how I was feeling but Im better now. I talked to some of my friends and prayed. I continue to read the bible daily. I get frustrated when I dont see results right away and even after waiting for years but I was reminded that faith is the evidence of things hoped for and not seen. Even though I can't see it, that doesn't mean God isn't healing me. I can't see my brain and never will but God still has the power to fix the damage that has been done. I had to regain my composure for my next speaking engagement on Friday. I haven't even wrote my speech yet but I will. It seems like every time I go speak, I am a blessing to others but bad things start to happen to me. Its like's the evil one does not want me to go around encouraging others so things start to come my way to distract me and take my mind to the negative away from the positive. I realized this and am now ready to fight back and not let anyone or anything take away my happiness. I have wonderful news. Since I started working, I bought my own car. I have been driving back and forth to work everyday and to the store. I am getting better and I feel a lot better driving my own car. I spoke with someone from the DMV and they said I should be able to get my license if I just pass the test. I have taken the test more than once in the past and I remember only being issued a permit because of the restrictions from the medical review board but maybe this time around I will finally get my license. I already purchased a car and insurance so it would suck if I got denied a license again. Please keep me in your prayers as Im practicing driving more on the busy roads and pray that I will pass the road test next week when I go get my license. I also planned another trip. This weekend I will be taking a bus again to visit my friend in Charlotte and we are going to Carowinds (a theme park). I purchased tickets for the bus route that will take me straight there and bring me straight back so I think I will be ok. Now I just hope I will be able to ride all the rides I want when I get there! My birthday is next Tuesday but I have to work so this weekend is supposed to be my present to myself. Hopefully my license will be another present! I am also thinking about learning to swim or at least being more comfortable in water. One of my co-workers was a swim instructor for 10 years and taught people with disabilities how to swim. I have never known how to swim and always been scared of water so I never get in it when I go to the beach but she offered to teach me some exercises and techniques some times after work. I think I will go for it. I just get so tired of feeling like I don't live my life to the fullest because Im constantly sitting around waiting for my hand to move again or my toes to start wiggling so I can enjoy my life. Now I plan to just go back to making the best of it and leave everything else in God hands. This verse from the Bible really helped me: Habakkuk 2:3 3 For the vision is yet for an appointed time; But at the end it will speak, and it will not lie. Though it tarries, wait for it; Because it will surely come, It will not tarry. I know Bible scriptures can be interpreted freely but I think of this one as the vision being me made completely whole and having a bigger testimony and I just have to wait for it to happen and just be patient. I am glad Im feeling better. I can be happy and not put on a mask to act happy

I feel like I am wearing a mask. I have to cover up how I really feel. When I am hopeless I have to hide it with faith. When I have given up, I have to hide it with acceptance. When I truly am tired of being like this, I have to hide it by displaying thankfulness for life. I can never truly be myself. Ever since 2001, I have been the one people look to for inspiration. Since graduation I have spoke at 3 different churches and I speak again next month. I AM thankful for live, I DO believe Jesus is a healer, it's just that I get tired of only showing this side to people. I always keep a smile on my face and never let anyone see me shed a tear. When my good arm is tired from typing at work or my bad shoulder is starting to get stiff and sore from sitting at my desk so long, I just keep typing and make conversation. In my mind I really want to tell everyone in my office how tired I am. When my co-workers ask "Do you need a hand" (no pun intended I guess) I always say no I got it but in my mind I really want the help. I just don't want to feel defeated. I feel like I have to be Katrina the inspiration 24/7. If I take off this mask, I will be letting everyone down. I will no longer be the one everyone looks up to, I will be the one they look down on. I just wish I could be myself sometimes.

Well first I would like to thank everyone for your uplifting comments to my last blog/post. It really meant a lot to see you all celebrating with me over my small accomplishments. but now the celebration is over. Instead of 2 more weeks of physical therapy, I got 2 more sessions. I know I reached all of my goals in pt but I really can't tell. My main goals were to go up and down stairs without using the handrail, strengthen my leg and foot enough to wear sandals, and remember to swing my arm when walking without losing my balance. Well I still grab hold to the rail just out of habit when I take the stairs, I never got the chance to practice walking with sandals because I didn't have any to bring in that would fit my foot without falling off without the brace. My pt said I can still walk short distances wearing sandals without the brace but I don't want to chance it. I do have a better wrist support but since I can't see my left arm I always forget to swing it while walking. I just feel like I took a small step forward with therapy and a giant step back. I have home exercises but they are either too risky to do them by myself or just seem too pointless to make a difference. I named this blog after the botox wears off because that's exactly how I feel. Everything is over. My wrist is so stiff now I can barely stretch it for exercises, no more therapy, and worst of all my progress is over. That is what happens when the botox wears off. My doc said it did help this time but the only way I can get more therapy is to either get more botox or wait until next year so he can send me somewhere else. I just don't want to get more botox because it is too painful. I asked about some of the technology I have heard about to help my left side but the doc said all of those only work for people who just had a stroke recently. I just feel like there is no hope for me. I didn't ask for this. Well my right arm is getting super tired and sore from typing so I will end this.

Today I graduated from occupational therapy. My tone came back and I need more botox so my ot discharged me. At first I felt sad but I have so much more to be happy about. As I posted before, I now wash both hands and can open the door using my left hand. Today I took it a step further. I didn't learn this in therapy but today as I was doing my laundry, i just reached down and put my left hand around the left handle of the clothes basket. I put my right hand around the right handle and guess what I did? I picked up the basket and walked from the laundry room, past the kitchen table, down the step, through the living room, up the other step, through the hallway, and to my room with a clothes basket full of clothes walking without my brace! My dad offered to help carry it (he usually folds and carries my clothes for me) then said he didnt know that I could do that and it is a miracle! Although I still cannot open my left hand or straighten my wrist on my own, I can still use it and that is all I asked for so I am thankful. My ot also gave me a new wrist support which makes it SO much easier to keep my arm straight as I walk which was one of my major goals. I plan to continue doing my weight bearing and stretching so I can keep using my left hand. It is such a wonderful feeling! Physical therapy wants to keep me for another 2 weeks because they said I am doing so well. I made a 20 out of 30 on my evaluation but I still have goals to reach. Today I walked up and down the stairs without using the rail. My pt even said I can wear sandals and walk short distances without my afo now. 2 of my goals were to be able to go up and down stairs without the rail and to wear sandals. I know these next two weeks are going to be hard but knowing I made progress in the past month is a ton of motivation to get me through 2 more weeks.

Recovery is definitely harder than I thought. Last week at OT, a different ot came in and rubbed some tendon in my arm and the pain went away like magic. It was amazing. It came from hurting so bad to actually feeling good. Now when I do my weight bearing I feel no pain (except my good arm getting tired from pressing down on my wrist). I was actully starting to think I was getting better. My ot gave me a new longer wrist support because she wants me to focus on my wrist right now. It keeps my wrist straighter but of course my fingers curl tighter so it's just a win/lose situation. I was kind of disappointed to find out I only have to more sessions left with OT. I still have no active movement in my wrist. I guess they were right. Im just not going to get any better Over the weekend I traveled to Virginia Beach to visit a friend. I was so proud of myself. This was my first time traveling alone and it really made me feel good. I took the bus. With my duffel bag and purse on my arm, I got on and off the buses and figured my way around during the transfers. Since it was cold, I didn't have to worry about treading through the thick sand or people staring at my brace. We simply got icecream and walked on the boardwalk so I really enjoyed myself. It made me feel good to know that I can travel safely and independently even though I don't have a car. I really want to move out and now I am thinking maybe I can find an apartment that is on a bus route since I did so well taking the greyhound. I have an appointment with vocational rehab in a few weeks so hopefully I am on my way to independent living. Now back to Ot/PT... Well unfortunately, the hardest meanest pt in all the land has decided to take over my PT sessions. She really pushes me. She loves pain. She taunts me to make me work faster. I just hate how everyone (family/friends of other oupatients) sitting in the waiting area stares at me! The grab bars and mats are like right in the middle of the gym so everything I do, everyone is looking straight at me. Today was very nerve wrecking. I almost started to cry. They took my brace off and made me go up and down stairs. It was 3 pt's holding me up in the middle of the floor while everyone staring trying to get me to lean to my left side while standing on my left leg. I kept thinking I was going to fall and they were pushing me to make me lean over but Im so scared I have to stay to my right side. I've relied on my right side for 10 years. I trust my left side "as far as I can see it" and seeing as how I have no left field vision in both eyes, THAT MAKES IT REALLY HARD TO TRUST IT. but they don't understand that. Its just a bunch of women yelling, telling me to relax, asking me where it hurts, telling me do this and do that but they dont know. I try as hard as I can but my brain is just scared to go to my left side. I just know Im going to fall especially without my brace. I think I have PT for 2 more weeks (twice a week) then it will all be over. I just feel discouraged. I never realized so many things were wrong with me. I thought I had been doing good all this time but I have so much to work on. I just wish I could magically get better because this is too much work for nothing

Only Temporary Pointless Therapy. That is the acronym I made up after my first day of therapy on Wednesday. I was just so frustrated. I was counting down until 8:00 chat then forgot about it Well on Wednesday I had physical therapy and on Thursday I had ocupational therapy. Today I had both. Wednesday was actually pretty good. PT I practiced curling my toes on a towel, laying on my stmach and trying to bend my ankle so my toes touch the mat, and shifting my weight to the left side by grabbing objects in the bucket then putting them in the bucket to my other side while my pt held my leg straight. I came to the conclusion that when I was in high school, my knee always popped back. My doctor told me if I didnt stop that knee from popping back, I wouldnt be able to walk at my prom. Scared, i tried my best to keep my knee from popping back by putting my weight to my right side which also kept me from falling. My goal in physical therapy is to restore my confidence back in my left leg and shift my weight without going back to popping my knee. I couldnt see results but I felt them. My left butt cheek was sore all day! Today did more balance and worked out on the stair stepper. I like physical therapy because there are so many people in there who can walk but are just trying to walk better just like me. I can relate with them and I feel like we are in it together. I also like my therapist. She lets me take a break, encourages me, and tells me when Im really doing good. She also holds my knee and stands close so I never feel like Im going to fall. I dont think its so pointless after all OT I wish I could say the same for OT but I cant. Pt seems so much easier since I can already walk. Its basically a mind game just restoring my confidence in my left leg and working on balance. Ot on the other hand (no pun intended) is kind of discouraging. On the first day my ot told me I have muscles that just dont work anymore and she even reminded me that the doctor said the same thing so from day one I felt like Im never going to get better. Yesterday I kept saying I cant and she told me I got to stop saying that. I went ahead and asked why? You ad the Dr. already told me I cant so why cant I say it too? She got quiet. I think thats when she realized she'd discouraged me on our first day. Well she has been trying to be more positive now. Yesterday we used heat and it was wonderful! After I took the heat off and unwrapped my hand, it was completely pain free and my wrist and fingers were straight. I felt so encouraged that one day it will be permanent. Well today was the downfall. We did the same things from yesterday (weight bearing, stretching my wrist back, straightening my elbow and raising my arm to the sky) except this time it was constant pain. It never straightened out like it did yesterday and to make matters worse, my right shoulder and arm are more sore than my left side from using all my good arm strength to keep my bad arm straight during weight bearing All in all I am exhausted. I had OT at 8am and PT at 9 but even after taking a 2-3 hour nap, Im still tired. I have my home exercise programs (yay) and Im still reading Stronger After Stroke but Im just not motivated to exercise and read right now because I cant help but feel like a month from now when the insurance runs out, Im going to be the same. I guess I just need a big plate of faith with a side of courage and a cup of hope. Pray for me

wow you stay busy. I hate going to the grocery store when its busy. I never went when I had the cane. My dad would let me ride with him to the store but I would just sit in the car and wait. You eat so healthy. You make vegetables sound good! :laughbounce:

thanks you guys

Im just tired. Its too hard to try. Its so much easier to give up. I have to speak again on April 16th about my testimony. My last speech was about Overcoming Obstacles. To overcome obstacles simply means I succeed in dealing with obstacles that hinder my progress. I just wish those obstacles would go away. It was simple to ignore my physical disabilities and focus on succeeding academically but what do I do now? What do I do now that I have accomplished all of my goals and the things I really want to do are beyond my control? It gets hard pretending like Im happy all the time to be everyone else's inspiration. I feel so incomplete. Nothing is fun to me. I am so focused on getting better that I don't like the person I am now. I showed my dad my plaque because I won Who's Who Among Students in American Colleges & Universities. He looked at it and said what else is new. I can't do much better than being the valedictorian. My accomplishments arent even important, they're expected. I still havent heard from the DMV medical review board. I turned my paperwork in December. They have people out here drunk driving, shooting people for hitting them, shooting people over road rage yet IM the one who is a danger to others on the toad because of a disability that I didnt ask for and have no control over. Im tired of my family treating me like Im still a kid taking turns to drive me around. Everyone wants to know where Im going and what Im doing and then say Im being unreasonable when I get mad about not being able to be independent. I exercised my left hand all day now my good (right) arm is aching trying to finish typing this. No one helps me exercise, No one believes in me or supports me. All I ever been good at is school but now that Im done, Im just not good at anything. I dont want to go back for grad school because I will never be able to do better than my perfect undergraduate years. I would probably drop out trying to meet everyone's expectations. I feel like the caged bird again. All I do is lay in bed all day. I cant drive so I cant go anywhere and when I do want to go somewhere I have to find someone to drive me. Every guy I meet wants an adventurous girl who can keep up with his active lifestyle. I try to be that girl but its super hard when half of my body doesnt work. My good arm is hurting too bad to keep typing. I guess I will try to go to bed since I have pt (pointless therapy) in the morning

wow and I thought I was busy. Loan me some of your energy please!

That is great news. Keep up the good work and remember "Don't let great ambitions overshadow small success"

OUCH My most commonly used word since my last blog post. But I guess its a lot better than the word "can't". Being a stroke survivor is hard work especially when you're almost 10 years post stroke. I guess I have come to acceptance. I just wish I wouldve known then what I know now. I curse that One Handed in a Two World book. I always figured out how to do things with my right hand while waiting on my left hand to receive a divine healing from God and wake up and be 100% again. Well, I now realize that is highly unlikely. I am just not content with only using my right hand for everything. I hate only being able to do one thing at a time. Ever since my 9 year stroke anniversary back in october, I have really been eager to start using my left hand again. My blogs may sound redundant since I have had this same mindset over the last few months so I apologize if I am repeating myself. I thought it would be easy. One night, I made it through the entire night with my splint on my hand, another time I washed both hands and in the same day I opened the door. I am learning not to neglect my left anymore. Unfortunately, I am also learning its not that simple. The other day I didn't wear my AFO to the nail shop after being inspired by one of the post on the forum. This was my first time leaving my house without wearing the AFO since back in 2004 when I fell and sprained my ankle not wearing it in the house. I usually dont wear it around the house but I realize I am more accident prone when trying to walk in shoes without the afo versus just walking around in socks or barefoot. Anyway I was thinking to myself if I walk around my house all day without the brace (occasionally losing balance when my toes curl but never falling) then it should be a breeze to go get a pedicure right? Wrong. I had to walk a lot slower. My feet felt so cramped in my thick socks and sneakers. The lady who usually does my pedicure was not there so I had to endure the pain of another heavy handed man who obviously could not understand when I was trying to tell him the bottom of my left foot is sensitive. To top it off I had to watch as other ladies sported cute flip flops and sandals while I had to stuff my newly pedicured toes back into my socks and sneakers. Did I mention as I was getting out of the car, I forgot I wasnt wearing the afo and probably wouldve fallen if it wasnt for me hearing the sound of my foot dragging and remembering? Needless to say,my attempt at trying to be normal failed. Looking for dress shoes at the mall didnt help either. How many ladies have tried finding a dress shoe with no heel, a back to it, stretchable, and a strap around the ankle that is big enough to fasten over an AFO? Well after my failed attempt at normalizing my foot, I decided to work on the arm. As if botox injections arent painful enough, first my doc had to stretch my arm, elbow, wrist, and fingers simultaneously until I screamed MERCY. Then he had the nerve to tell me I should be doing that everyday. He could barely do it to me with 2 arms. How am I supposed to do it by myself using my own good arm as I am laying down and cant even see my left arm unless Im looking at it? So I survived the botox injections, wore my splint 2 hours on 2 hours off, and am waiting to get my pt/ot schedule. All I have to say is its so much easier just giving up and being content with only using my right hand for the rest of my life. After an hour and half of wearing the splint I have no motivation to leave it on the last 30 minutes because I know as soon as I take it off, my wrist will flop down. At night I go ahead and take the splint off because I know 1) Im going to toss and turn trying to keep it on and 2) Im going to take it off in my sleep if I do fall asleep with it on. I have been doing the same take home exercises I got from ot in 2007 ofcourse with no results. I just feel like giving up. I mean afterall insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result right?

Yesterday I was feeling discouraged. I went shopping and all I could seem to find was stylish skinny jeans which I cannot wear with my AFO, stylish shoes which all either had heels or wouldnt fit over my AFO, and the cutest sweaters and shirts with belts that tied in the back. Someone was trying to get my attention but since she was to my left I could not see her and didnt notice until I felt a tug on my left arm. By that time she'd walked away probably thinking I was ignoring her. I was almost in tears so I just left the store. Last night I went to a Miracle Service at church. I was really believing that I was going to be healed. I have done everything I can think of these last 10 years since the stroke. The Bible says I just have to have the faith of a mustard seed but I feel like I have the faith of a whole forest! Jesus healed the man with the withered hand and so many others and I truly believed He would heal me. So yesterday after feeling so discouraged then feeling like my prayers weren't answered at the Miracle Service, I just wanted to give up, I felt like I ran out of miracles years ago. I felt at a dead end. Then I looked back. I realized I got in a comfort zone. I complain because my life isn't the way I expected it to be. I thought for sure I would be totally and completely recovered from the stroke by the year 2011. Well I really had to take myself back to when I had a breathing tube in my throat, when my face was so swollen I was unrecognizable, when I had to wear diapers in ICU, the halloween I couldnt go trick or treating at 12 years old, the Thanksgiving I threw up during physical therapy, the seizures that gave me a letter from the dmv that I would never be able to operate a vehicle, the stares from wearing a helmet and being pushed in a wheelchair through the mall, looking into the mirror as tears clouded the reflection of my bald head with nothing but stitches and staples protruding through my scalp, the after-surgery headaches that not even morphene and percocets could ease. The times I ran away from home because I was too depressed to deal with the taunting from my peers in high school. I had to remind myself that I am no longer that person! I am free. I no longer have seizures, I am no longer am prisoner to the hospital room, I no longer have to deal with taunts and stares from immature people, I can eat whatever I want no hospital food or special diets. So today instead of praying and wishing and waiting for my imperfections to be fixed, I am reflecting on what is already fixed and just believing that I have not ran out of miracles. I may not be able to clap my hands in church as bad as I want to but I am able to stand. I may not be able to fix my limp but I no longer need a quad cane. I almost didn't live past 7th grade but today I am a college graduate. I used my left hand for the first time since the stroke to open the door. I remember the summer I cried I was discriminated against for a job at the mall. but I rejoice to know I have successfully completed 2 summer internships with the highest level of government thanks to a recruitment program for college students with disabilities. I have been able to read and study so many books even with my visual impairment. The dmv told me in 2006 I would never drive but after giving me a permit and allowing me to drive for two years, I believe they will go back on their word one more time and give me a license. Today instead of complaining about things I have no control over, trying to find the magic cure to recovery, and asking God why Im not 100% recovered, I am just spending the day reflecting on how far I have come. I want to thank everyone who always reminds me of the bright sides when I want to complain. Today Im taking your advice

:Clap-Hands: I enjoyed your post! Its a blessing to still be alive

Life has been very relaxing. For the first time ever, I am done with school and it feels great for now. During my brief stardom, I was recognized in public a lot. I actually went to the mall and people were staring and waving and walking up to me asking hey wasnt you the one on tv? It was kind of fun being a local celebrity. I was even asked to be a keynote speaker for an album release party for a christian singer here in North Carolina. I am thankful It feels good to get my story out there. I know my testimony is that I survived all the brain surgeries, I no longer have seizures and I accomplished so much despite my limitations. However, I wish I could also say I fully recovered from a stroke. Now that I have so much free time I have really been thinking about my future and I really want to learn to use my left hand again. I pray I gain the use back 100% but I will be satisfied just to use it again. I had given up on ever using the left side again. I forget about it so much. Because of my vision loss, I dont even know my arm is there because I can't see it unless I look down. After buying "One Handed in a Two Handed World and teaching myself to be independent years ago, I pretty much decided that I only needed my right hand anyway. Trying to use my left hand was just too worrisome and took too long. Its kinda hard to use your hand when you can't move your fingers or your wrist and you can barely straighten your arm out all the way. Well now that I have so much free time, Im ready to work on the hand again. I have been trying to sleep with the splint that straightens my wrist and fingers, but after tossing and turning until 5am, I decided I need to exercise more in the day so my fingers can be stretched out when I get ready for bed. Besides exercising, I have been thinking about graduate school, thinking sbout writing a book, and today I started the Daniel Fast. I also registered for a discipleship class at church. Since I am only eating fruits, vegetables, whole grains, and legumes for my fast, I have to cook my own food. I enjoy cooking. I have finally been using the kitchen aids I ordered from sammons prestons years ago. The only challenge is cutting because my dad lost a piece to my cutting board and opening cans because I need two hands to keep the can from falling after the opener pops the top off. I am grateful for this free time. I really want to try my best to tackle the spasticity on my left. It seems like baclofen and exercise is the only things that can make a difference since botox doesnt. Maybe if I go back to exercising like I did when I was homebound for a year after my stroke, I will get the same motivation to get my left side stronger.

I don’t know where to begin. On Friday I found out I am the valedictorian graduating with a 4.0 GPA! I was on channel 11 news as an inspiration story. I was supposed to be on another local news station but they cancelled due to Elizabeth Edwards funeral coverage. However I did an interview with the newspaper in my city AND I will be doing another news story for another local news station on Sunday. I am just so thankful God has blessed me with the opportunity to share my testimony with so many other people. Here is the speech I made at graduation. Good morning (Chancellor, Platform Party, friends, faculty, guests, and of course, student graduates), Today I am accomplishing a milestone. As a survivor of nearly 16 brain surgeries and a stroke at the age of 12, there was a time when I could not walk but today I am walking across the stage. There was a time when I could not attend school, but today I am finishing college a semester early. There was a time when I could not speak because I was on a breathing tube in intensive care, but today I stand before you to say even though I have had ¼ of my brain and skull removed I overcame, worked exceedingly hard and can proudly say I am graduating with a 4.0 GPA. If you have never seen a miracle, you are looking at one right now. I have came from victim to victor and I owe it all to my Lord and savior Jesus Christ because without Him, I would not be here today. I did not make it this far by myself and I just want to thank everyone (family, friends, FSU faculty, the Bronco family, my Blue and White family, the Fort Bragg family, and my church family). Thank you for all of your support. I got a standing ovation from my graduating class and people were crying and shouting hallelujah and God is Good! Unfortunately it was raining after graduation so I did not get a chance to say goodbye to my friends but I did take a few pictures with some fans and did another interview with a reporter from my school then my family took me to a restaurant showered me with gifts and love. Later that night I hung out with some of my sorority sisters at a Christmas party. I never knew things could get this great in my life. I always thought I would never be happy again until I was “normal” again but here I am getting all of this praise for overcoming despite my limitations. What should I do now? I did not want to start working right away and I did not have time to apply to grad schools so I have absolutely nothing to do. I am thinking of traveling but I do not want to travel alone (due to my vision loss) and all of my friends are either working or at home with their families and after the holiday break, they will be in school again. I want to do something besides sit at home. I do not want to just sit at home. I will probably call voc rehab back and see if they can help me find a part time job to keep me busy. In the meantime, I will be waiting on my doctor to send my medical forms to the review board in Raleigh because it is time for my yearly evaluation. Please pray I get my license this time! I have been driving with my permit for 2 years uder the supervision of my dad and I am ready to be independent.

Thankful 1. I remember the Thanksgiving I was stuck in the hospital. My family brought me 3 plates of food. I was on a special diet so I wasn't supposed to eat it but I tried anyway and I got sick the following day at physical therapy. Im thankful I can eat and fellowship today! 2. I remember when I was in high school and felt like I had no friends. No one knew me and the people who did know me picked at me or didn’t want to be my friend. Today I have facebook friends I don’t even know and I cant walk to class without more than 1 person speaking to me! 3. I remember when I couldn’t go to movies, amusement parks, or concerts because my parents were scared I would get headaches and have a seizure. Today, Im thankful haven’t had a seizure in 5 years! 4. I remember when I got turned down for a job at the mall I knew I shouldn’t have worn that skirt that showed my leg brace. Today I have 6 months experience as a GS-4 civilian thanks to a recruitment program for college students with disabilities! 5. I remember when I was tired of the ridicule and just wanted to drop out of school and live off disability. The high school kids made me feel like I was so stupid and retarded. Today, I am on track to graduate with honors a semester early! 6. I remember when I had to use my right arm and leg to get around in a wheelchair, and my quad cane to help me walk. Today I can walk around my house freely without the brace on my leg! 7. I remember when I had to get my head shaved for brain surgeries. I thought I was so ugly looking at my shaved head with the staples and stitches poking through my bruised scalp. Today I have a head full of hair past my shoulders! 8. I remember when I was sad and depressed. I hated my life, attempted suicide and ran away numerous times. I would try to suffocate myself in my pillow while drowning in my tears. Today I am thankful Im not depressed anymore! 9. Losing a loved one is something I never experienced but has always been one of my biggest fears. Having almost lost my dad to cigarettes, my mom to colon cancer, and my grandma to her declining health, Today, I am thankful I get to enjoy the holidays with all of them! 10. I remember when I couldn’t move my left arm, could only use my right hand, had no function in my left foot, and had no left field vision prohibiting me from getting a license. Today I am thankful for my healing and believing that by this time next year I will be totally healed and thankful that the use of my left side is restored!

I only recently started sitting down without reaching back for the chair first. I still lean my hand on a table or chair sometimes to get up since my vision loss scares me that I might lose balance and fall back down into the chair. You did help me realize though that my arm stays bent as I am sitting. I want to start straightening it out so it can just hang at my side while Im sitting. Hopefully it will stay at my side when I get up and begin to walk. Thanks your blog was very helpful

Thanks everyone for your comments to my last entry. You were right. Phil wants me back now but it still hurts when I think of how he hurt me so I have cut off contact with him for now. I am still trying to use my left arm. I wish my wrist was more straight. My friends have been tagging me in lots of pictures on facebook and the first thing I notice is my bent wrist. The baclofen is bittersweet. It straightend my fingers so I can hold thing and stretch them out but it keeps my wrist bent. My wrist is so bent, I cant touch my arm with my finger tips sometimes. I still wear my wrist support but it doesn't seem to make a difference. I am glad to be remembering not to neglect my left arm though. The other day I had bags on my right shoulder so I put one in my left hand so I could use my right hand to do other things. I actually carried the bag in my left hand without dropping it. One night I fell asleep with my arm completely straight even though I don't think it was straight when I woke up. I just feel like if I can't use i like I want, at least I can keep it straight and make it appear functional? I dont know. I celebrated my 9 year stroke anniversary on Monday. I started to write a poem but did not finish it. It was basically about how I enjoy the simple things in life. I thanked God for being able to bathe myself, get dressed, do my hair, walk outside my room to the dining hall, and eat breakfast. 9 years ago I had to get sponge bathed by a nurse, I could only wear a hospital gown, I did not even have anough strength to lift my head from the pillow, and I was being fed a liquid diet trapped in the intensive care unit. I always have to remind myself of an old fortune cookie I will never forget. "Don't let great ambitions overshadow small successes." I am not where I want to be but I thank God I am not where I used to be. My weekend was wonderful also. I traveled out of town for a state conference with my sorority sisters and fraternity brothers. All I could think of was the weekend I was stuck in intensive care, the weekends I was stuck at home with no friends. This weekend I took joy in riding in the car watching power lines and green pastures fly by my window. I wore my pixie skirt showing my brace and when people asked, I told them what happened. I really enjoyed just getting out of town and having fun with my sorority. I remember last year I was depressed on my stroke anniversary so this weekend was a great distraction from that depression. I also told my story to one of the faculty at my school and he is going to put it in the newspaper :Clap-Hands: This morning I also shared my story to a group of freshmen girls and motivated them to do well in school like I did! I hope I got through to them. It's hard to tell my story without feeling like people feel sorry for me. Anybody ever feel that way? Well I hope they got the picture that I am a survivor not a victim. Speaking of, I walked 3 miles at the Heart Walk! My whole university participated in it this year. It really made me feel good. I might can't walk in a straight line and I might have a limp but I am so thankful I can walk! I need everyone's prayers! School has been sooo stressful. I dropped two of my clubs, but I joined another one and everything is stressing me out. I got 2 Bs on my midterms I really pray I get all As by the end of the semester so I can be val or salutatorian. My professors convinced me to go to graduate school so on top of studying for my 6 classes, being active in 4 clubs, I am also studying for the GRE! Well I have to work on some papers now. Hopefully I will finally get time to join chat tonight

Thank you all for commenting on my last blog. A lot has changed since my last entry. I finished my job. Im back at school now. I will be graduating early in December :Clap-Hands: I like the dorm I stay in. I have been wearing my wrist support at night and each morning I wake and turn the light switch on using my left fist. I am also able to open the bathroom door, close it, and turn the faucet on and off with my hand in a fist. One morning I even brushed my teeth and ate my cereal with the help of my good hand I really need the use of my left hand. I want to be able to do more than one thing at a time. My bluetooth headset helps a great deal but I want to be able to flip channels on the tv and eat at the same time. I always thought I was supposed to wait until my fingers start moving but Im starting to realize they arent going to move unless I help them so I just pray I learn to use my left hand even though I cant open it up or move my fingers. I went to the pain management doctor. He told me to take 1 baclofen in the morning and 2 at night to help with the crazy spasms I get in my legs at night. He also wants to put me back on botox but I dont want it. Every time I go somewhere I try to remember to straighten my arm out instead of just letting it curl up. I dont need the botox. I can straighten my arm out without it: ) Well on a sadder note, Phil dumped me 2 days ago. It hurt me so bad I cried forever. I did so much for him. When he would come visit I would one handedly dress him, wash him up, and everything. Does anyone realize how hard it is to take off and put a shirt on someone who can not sit up USING ONE HAND? Does anyone realize how hard it is to try to get a 150 pound man in a bed from a motorized wheelchair then lift him back into the chair USING ONE ARM? I even spent my money on getting him handicap accessible hotel rooms to stay in when he would come visit me. But to show his appreciation, he dumps me I feel like he was my first love and I still dont understand why he dumped me but I never want to love again. I never want someone to take my kindness for weakness. I never want to bend over backwards for someone to just break my heart. He would tell me he loves me everyday. He had just told me and we had just talked about our future after I graduate the day before he dumped me. Well I am going to stop venting now Thanks for reading I want to get back active on the boards but I have really been slacking on my schoolwork. Taking 18 credit hours for the last semester is a heavy load!

Life has been wonderful. In the past, on my birthday sometimes I would feel sad that Im a year older and still haven't gotten better. but this summer my birthday was filled with too much fun to feel sad. Ever since I typed my last entry, I have gone out to party with friends, went to the beach with friends, and took a road trip with a friend. I have spent time with family and I even have a new boyfriend. As I already said in my last update, I am so glad I am not depressed anymore. When I went to the club with friends, I did no care about dancing. I just sat at the table and enjoyed my first (and only) drink. When I went to the beach, it did not bother me that all of my girlfriends were splashing around in the water as I sat and could do nothing but watched. I was just happy to be soaking up the sun with my feet in the sand. (just had to watch out for the shells. those things hurt when you step on them!). I had an amazing time walking around downtown and getting icecream. I am thankful for friends who don't mind waiting for me and helping me. This weekend I also went on a road trip with my friend to see my new boyfriend. He lives about 2 and a half hours away. Those of you familiar with my post about online dating in the young stroke survivor forum, will be happy to know, I found my match His name is Phil and he doesnt care about me having a disability like that other loser did. Phil has muscular dystrophy so he uses a power wheelchair and needs assisance for certain tasks. Dating someone else with a disability is one of the best feeings in the world. He helps me and I help him. We both appreciate each other for the strength and perseverance we both exhibit. I don't have to worry about him feeling awkward around me, stopping him from having fun, or having a hard time trying to find something we both can do. We have so much in common and even though we cant/dont do some of the wild adeventurous things most people our age do, we still enjoy each other's company just sitting in the same room together talking. I only have 3 more weeks left at my job then I will be heading back to school. I want to start walking around the block in my neighborhood after work a few times a week. Last year it was hard adjusting to walking around campus in the heat after spending the summer sitting at desk in my air conditioned office 9 hours a day. I have already began getting muscle cramps in my leg and muscle tightness in my arm from sitting for such long hours. Any tips? btw, thank you all for all of your comments on my last blog It really meant a lot to me to read all of the cheers and celebration of my good news. On Wednesday I will be joining other local friends with disabilities fat the recreation center for food, speakers, and discussion in celebration of the 20th Anniversary of the Americans with Disabilities Act. I am looking forward to mingling with other people with disabilities and advocates for people with disabilities to celebrate our differences and the ADA which gives us the freedom to live an independent and abundant life!