CagedBird

Stroke Survivor - female
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Blog Entries posted by CagedBird

  1. CagedBird
    Well I decided not to take no for an answer with the driving thing. I am now waiting to be scheduled for a hearing. One day last week after dwelling on the past, I got really upset and had a pity party. but instead of throwing in the towel, I decided I am going to go in front of the medical review board myself and make them allow me to atleast try for a learner's permit. My dad said he put the letter in the mail on monday and when i called today, it hadent been received yet but i was informed that I will be scheduled for a hearing as soon as they receive my request. If they say no at the hearing, then i'll have exhausted all of my options so i really hope they say yes this 3rd time!
    I made an appointment with my neuro as you all suggested. Yesterday I had a really bad headache in left brain (which was different because I usually have them on right side of my head where brain was removed.) I also had a "dizzy spell." I rarely have dizzy spells anymore but I also had one saturday night. Saturday night while trying to fall asleep, i kept hearing knocking in my head and it wouldnt stop until i rolled over to my left side. i felt like i was dizzy but not having a seizure. i have been on seizure meds since 2001 and have not had a seizure since 2004 so i guess my dizzy spells are times i would normally hve a seizure but the meds kick in. i dont know but all i do know is i felt really dizzy having a bad left brain headache yesterday so i made an appointment with my neuro for july. I am kind of nervous as I have been experiencing lots of unexplained headaches and dizziness lately.
    I do have slightly good news though. The lovely ladies I work with at my internship are taking me out to lunch tomorrow for my birthday which makes me kind of excited for Saturday to finally get here and my boyfriend has plans to make saturday my first happy birthday. (I have always cried on past birthdays.) So I have a little hope that this one will be better. (Nothing could be better than having a license to drive though). I hate the feeling of another birthday and no physical progress!
  2. CagedBird

    bad news

    By CagedBird,

    I'd just like to thank everyone for your comments and replies to my last entry and topic on the forum. Im so thankful you all are in my life! but I do have bad news. On Tuesday I fell down. I don't know how I fell. I checked to make sure my shoes were tied and they were, I tried stepping on my pants leg but it was not long enough to trip me. I really dont understand what exactly caused me to fall. Lately, I've been thinking I want to go to the neurologist just to make sure everything is ok. The fall kind of scared me and lately I have been having headaches. I have an appointment with my pain management doctor later this month. When I fell, I bruised my left hand on the carpet and I landed on my left side so everything was sore for a while. I also heard my knee pop so I have been wearing the arthritis brace I bought from Wal Mart because my knee pops a lot and it just hurts. The doctor told me to take motrin or advil for the pain but I dont like taking too many medicines as I am already taking baclofen for spasticity and keppra for seizures.
    More bad news is I got the letter back from the DMV and once again they still dont feel like I should drive. It really hurts because since my birthday is next saturday I was hoping to get my first car and everything was a waste of time; taking driver's ed for 4 weeks of my summer, saving up for a car, taking that long driver test with OT, taking the vision test, waiting and calling for a month trying to find the lost faxes. Everything was all for nothing. Maybe I should move to another state and get a 2nd opinion? Or maybe I should just move to New York and take the subway for the rest of my life? All I want to do is be independent. I hate the thought of spending the rest of my life in the passenger seat with my mom or dad driving me everywhere, the thought of being dropped off and picked up like a kid at daycare. It seems like everything in my life has changed for the better except my vision, my hand, and my foot. My birthday is next Saturday but the only thing I want is the one thing I cant have
  3. CagedBird
    Hello everyone!
    I am doing much better than my last entry. Thank you all for your comments. I finished my freshmen year. Friday was my last day. I spent the week before last going to awards ceremonies. I got 4 awards and I was installed into the National Council of Negro Women! I was inducted into Phi Eta Sigma, the National Freshmen Honor Society, for maintaining a G.P.A of 3.0 or above, I received an outstanding service award for helping the Ceenter for Personal Development set up their workshops, I received another community service award for volunteering as a mentor for youth at risk and tutoring the children with learning disabilities, AND my last reward was for being on the Chancellor's list which means I have a G.P.A of 3.75 or above. I just checked my grades and I made all As in all of my classes AGAIN which means I STILL have a perfect 4.0! I have an interview tomorrow for a summer internship with Teen Court and I might start volunteering at the Battered Women's and Children's Shelter with my next door neighbor. I am vvery excited for this summer because I have my very first jury duty, I was selected to attend a conference with the Honors Program in July, and me and my dad are going to go on a "my birthday/Father's Day" vacation to see my favorite singer perform at the beach! Did I mention I met my favorite singer because she came to perform at my school for our annual ball? She gave me a hug when she sat on the stage! It was the best day of my life. I don't have any pictures of me with her but I am going to upload pictures of myself at the ball. I actualy cried when I had to leave school. I thought about how much fun I had, how much I accomplished, and how beyond nice everyone was to me. I can't wait until next semester!
  4. CagedBird
    Well last Monday I started an internship with the Dispute Resolution Center. I work with Teen Court which gives juveniles a second chance if they committed their first offense. I have been working 4 days a week about 7 hours a day. Even though it is an unpaid internship, it is still very rewarding. The other day I visited jail with my supervisors and listened to grievances from the incarcerated. The next day we went to district court to ask the judge to drop charges for the juveniles who completed the program. I got a grand tour of both the jail and the courthouse. It was so fun. I bought a knee brace from wal-mart for the arthritis pain my knee has been giving me. I cant tell if the brace is actually helping but it is supposed to be giving my knee support.
     
    In other news, I am still getting the run around with driving. The last thing the medical review board wanted from me was a 135-point visual field test. I took it at the optometrist a month ago but the review board sent me a letter last week saying they never received it. I called the doctor Monday and they said they faxed it already and they faxed it again and sent it through the mail the day i called. So I called the review board yesterday but they still haven't received anything. SO I called the doctor back and they said they will call me back (Im guessing after the holiday.) Sometimes I think there is a reason Im not driving and maybe some things just aren't meant to be . Other times I remind myself that "good things come to those who wait" and "to whom much is given, much is required" but I have been been getting the run around with driving ever since I took driver's ed in 2006. I'd hate to go through all of this just to find out I still cant drive in the end I hate that feeling of trying so hard for nothing, that feeling which is so familiar to me oh well I guess I will continue to wait
  5. CagedBird

    CANT

    By CagedBird,

    Today I found out Im gettin worse
    just when I thought it would get better
    feels like a curse
    More drugs equal less pain they say
    instead of getting better
    I remain the same day after day
    Hope is lost
    I can't find it anymore
    Its useless
    what do I need it for?
    they say I still can't drive among other things I CAN'T do
    just found out I have arthritis
    I don't feel 18
    more like 82
    Im losing my memory
    I guess gettin 1/4 of my brain removed wasen't enough
    oh I got part of my skull removed too
    and you thought your life was rough..
    Well Im done venting now
    thanks for reading
    I appreciate inspiration
    However, pity isn't needed!
     
    This is a poem I wrote Thursday in the doctor's office. I don't get botox anymore because its not helping, I am being discharged from OT because its not helping neither,I still havent got a response from the Medical Revoew Board at the DMV, my knee had been hurting a lot lately and the doctor says its because I have arthritis, my theory for my memory loss is the baclofen, and sorry I havent been active on the boards, I get an average of 4 hours of sleep a night. I have been working on a major speech, an 8 page research paper, psychology critiques, and after Im done with classes everyday I have to help make a set for a play in my theatre class. Right now I am just stressed with school! I need a break. Im tired of being told what I cant do! Me, my boyfrend, and a group of friends had planned a trip to the amusement park next weekend but my dad is forbidding me from goin because he says i CANT ride the rides. He is the only person I know who always tells me what I cant do. My mom invited me to the same amusemnt park 2 years ago and rode rides with me because she believes in me and she knows how much it hurts me and frustrates me when people tell me what I cant do and we know what I can. I really want to go on this trip to get a break rom school and my negative dad. Its only a couple hours away, Ive been there before, and I know my boyfriend and his friends very well. Im old enough to make my own decisions. I know what I CAN do! You can take away my hand, my foot, my vision, but you cant take away my freedom! I wish I could tell that to my dad.
     
    Also, I named my poem reality vs. hope because when do you draw the line between hope and acceptance?
  6. CagedBird

    Spring Break

    By CagedBird,

    Thanks everyone for all the nice comments. As some of you may have noticed, I did post a topic about my memory loss. I really wanted to make an appointment with my neuro but I have been so busy! I had 7 midterms last week. I barely got 15 hours of sleep the whole week! I spent last weekend catching up on sleep (a good 13 hours!) Monday I had to get my wisdom teeth removed so in between naps I was busy spitting out blood for 2 days. Then finally when everything clotted up, I had to go volunteer for this agency called Find-a-Friend. I will need an internship this summer so I wanted to volunteer at my #1 choice to see if I would like it there. I did have fun but I was so exhausted! Find-a-Friend is a non profit organization that helps children of incarcerated parents, juveniles at risk, and kids who have behavior or academic problems. So I basically spent the last 2 days making lunches, monitoring the playground, and doing fractions and similes worksheets. I've never really liked kids but I actually had fun. In fact, on the first day, a little boy picked me flowers and today 2 boys were fighting over me. I think they both had a crush on me. One of them asked me if I had a husband! But I do feel proud of myself because I worked just like the other mentors and no one not even the kids said anything about my hand or the way I walk. I guess they seen that I got the job done and thats all that mattered. Did I mention I have As for all of my classes? I was so stressed but I did it again! Im also proud of myself because I got everyone on the Chancellor's List a special dinner. Usually people on the chancellor's list don't get anything but ever since I made the list, I always ask the Chancellor what I get for being on the list and he usually responds with something like "a good paying job" or "good recognition" but after the last time I seen him, I guess he finally got tired of me mentioning it and decided to give us something we deserve. So on March 27th, I will be eating a special dinner with my fellow scholars and they owe it all to me! You never get a raise or promotion if you don't speak up right? Im glad I spoke up! Oh yeah my optometrist filled out my medical form for the dmv and he gave me a good report. Tomorrow I start OT again so I will schedule my driver evaluation. I heard the evaluation takes 3 hours. I wonder what I should do to get prepared?
  7. CagedBird

    There's Still Hope!

    By CagedBird,

    Hello everyone!
    I just got some bittersweet news. My dad called saying i got a letter in the mail from the medical review board at the department of motor vehicles. Bad news is they didnt say I could drive. Good news is, they couldn't make a decision because they don't have enough information. I am no longer permanently denied! I have to get a visual eye test form filled out by my eye doctor and send it back. I am sure he will help me out on this because he has been willing to support me on driving ever since before I started drivers ed after explaining to me how he has patients who are worser off than I and can drive. Next, I have to get an evaluation form from O/T which should not be hard since I will be starting O/T again pretty soon and my therapist is very helpful. I am just really excited about this. Im trying to be more optimistic and less pessimistic! I now see the difference the botox makes. My wrist and fingers straighten out so easily. There is a huge difference! I just wish they would stay straight all the time. Now all I have to do is tackle this arm. If I can just get it to stay straight while I walk!
    Also after my breakdown, I decided to go see one of the school counselors. I told her about how stressed I was and she talked to me. I see her again tomorrow. I made some accomodations for my test. Since my quizzes were online, I noticed that it was taking me a long time to find the bubble to click and sometimes when I'd move the screen down, the dot would jump to the next answer. That was really causing my score to drop so now I take my quizzes on paper in an individual setting. I think I did great on my last quiz. Im glad I spoke up! Speaking of school, I have been so busy! Next week is midterms and I have been working on projects and papers left and right while going to meetings, workshops, volunteering, and preparing for my internship. I also checked out a book from the library to keep me focused!
    Oh yeah and I have a boyfriend! :wub2: We had been dating for about 2 months now and we were just friends but we just decided to be in a relationship a couple of days ago. He is a really nice guy and he really supports me. He always drives me around whenever I need to go somewhere and he's by my side when I am feeling down. Well anyway sorry this is so long. I got to get back to homework!
  8. CagedBird

    no title

    By CagedBird,

    Hello everyone,
    I have been meaning to update my blog but everytime I think about it, I end up doing something else. Well, here is my update. I did start boox last week. It was a lot of pain but I didnt even flinch. I think Im immune to pain. Well I guess it worked but I cant really tell since I've already seen changes from the baclofen. I have to go get more next month and I am supposed to be going back to OT. Lately, I have been feeling so discouraged. Does anyone ever get in that mood where you are just tired of being the way you are? Everyone I see looks "normal" so sometimes I forget that Im not like them. and then when I remember, its like wow I dont walk like them, my hand doesnt look like theirs, I cant see what they're seeing. It has really been bothering me lately. I don't know why. Also classes have been stressing me out. I am not doing too good. I am still passing all of my classes. I just set my expectations so high and I hate making mistakes so when I dont reach my fullest potential, I feel like a failure. School is the only thing I can do. If i can't stay good at that, I have nothing. Well I am done ranting for now. I have a lot of work to do and I havent had more than 4 hours of sleep in the past week so bye everyone
  9. CagedBird
    Hello everyone,
    I really have been checking the boards more and reading the newsletters (which I enjoy very much by the way), I am just now finding time to actually sit and type a full blog entry! Well I guess I should start by saying I made the Chancellor's list with a perfect 4.0 for the completion of my first semester of college! :cheer: I am so ready to finish up my freshmen year but I will be taking a whopping 17 credits so I know it will be a challenge.
    I hope everyones' holidays were great. Mine was okay. It really didnt feel much like Christmas anymore since I am older now. I got a flash drive for my computer, clothes, and shower stuff. That's about it. I did find out I have a niece though! I now have 2 nephews and a niece. I don't like babies though so I never babysit them! lol
    I cut my hair a couple of weeks ago. The baclofen along with this cold weather was really drying my hair out and my ends were so damaged, I got a couple inches cut. Atfirst I did not like it because my hair used to be down my back and now it is barely passed my ears but it is easier to manage using one hand and it's healthy, so I am getting used to it.
    I have been doing a lot of shopping lately. I ordered the lids off, side cutter fork, one handed cutting board, and 3 panholders from sammonspreston.com. The lids off is my favorite. This morning my dad was gone and I had to refill my medicine case but the pharmacy bottles are always hard for me to unscrew since i cant push down and turn. I simply put the bottle in the lids off and the top came right off! I called my dad and he was so proud of me!
    The medical review board for drivers notified me yesterday that they are now reviewing my case and I am waiting to find out of my insurance will approve of the botox so everyone keep me in your prayers!
    Also I came on tv 3 Thursdays in a row! Many more people are finding out about my story and I posted excerpts from my memoir on facebook. I love the reactions I get from my peers when they find out about what I've gone through. I am glad I finally get good attention instead of negative attention!
    Well sorry this is so long. I guess I will close this now. I have to go look for something to cook for dinner!
  10. CagedBird

    driving part 2..botox

    By CagedBird,

    Well in reference to my last blog... I called the medical review board at Raleigh to schedule a hearing because I never heard back from them after the neurologist filled out my medical evaluation. It just so happens that the board couldn't even make a decision because the neurologist forgot to send the last page of the evaluation which includes his signature. Atfirst I was happy because I thought yay this means I wasen't denied again. but then i came back to reality and remembered well I also wasen't approved neither. So yesterday I got the last sheet in the mail. My only problem now is I have to get to the neurologist in the next 30 days BUT he's booked for the next month already and the last page along with the notice is dated September 17th. So the best I can do (according to the receptionist) is try to get by the neurologist's office before christmas during his lunchbreak and see if he will fill out the papers really quick. If only whoever mailed the evaluation wouldn't have forgot that last page, I would not have this run around. It's just not meant for me to drive!
     
    And to those who are telling me to wait on driving, I really cant. I get so depressed having to wait and be an inconvenience on family and friends all the time! I am 18 now. I don't just want to drive so I can party and go to the mall all the time. I have to get to the store off campus sometimes, I have so many doctor appointments. My dad gets upset when he has to take off work all the time to take me places and get my brother to work. I still feel like a 12 year old going places with my mom and dad except now I have to spend my own money. They're always in my business and since I have to ride with them everytime I need to go somewhere, they still treat me like a child and not a grown woman handling business.
     
    Today I seen my pain management doctor again. I am already on the baclofen but now he is suggesting I take botox. My nosey overprotective scared dad doesn't want me to take it but i don't care. Im grown. He's not allowed to come in my appointments because i am grown therefore he doesnt have any say so in what I do. I am willing to try anything that can help me in any way and I truly believe my hand would feel better with a combination of the baclofen, botox, and OT. Anyway sorry this is so long
  11. CagedBird

    So little time

    By CagedBird,

    Hello everyone,
    I am so sorry I have not updated recently. So much has been going on. I have a 2:00 class so this will be brief but I just wanted to let you all know I am still alive and doing well! I was not in the parade but I WAS on tv I also started receiving the ssdi so I went on a major shopping spree. I have been doing well in all of my classes except philosophy so this week and next week I will be doing extra credit and studying for finals. I have been doing a lot around campus. I am PRESIDENT of the Association for Individuals with Disabilities (and I got a plaque), I am a member of the criminal justice club, I serve on the publicity committee for the Freshman Class Council, and I have completed 40 volunteer hours as a library assistant and an office assistant. I have been so busy! But the semester is winding down now so pretty soon I will be on break. I do have a uestion for everyone. I couple of months ago, I met a friend who cant see out of her left eye, I talked to a friend who knows someone who cant see out of one of her eyes, and lastnight a friend told me that he knows someone who only has one eye. All of these people have a license! So my question is should I schedule a hearing with the medical examination board at raleigh to see if they will reconsider allowing me to drive? Or should I just leave things the way they are and look for transportation services around here? After speaking with my doctor and talking to me dad, it seems like doctors have been denying me the right to drive because they dont want to be held accountable if i wreck. My dad also talked to a license examiner who said he doesnt check for peripheral vision. This I already knew because there was no vision test when I started drivers ed and no vision test when I tried to get my permit. So what should I do? I deserve to drive. but at the same time I feel like its a waste of time to try to fight for my right because no one supports me. Well I have to go to class now bye
  12. CagedBird

    No more ot...

    By CagedBird,

    Well my occupational therapy is done. My insurance only allowed me a month to go to ot and because of my classes schedule, I could only go twice a week without missing class so, its over. While there, I got the brace for my hand, the splint for my wrist, and my therapist taped my fingers and shoulder for a couple of ays. I learned how to put my hand in my pocket and brush my teeth without having to place the toothbrush on the counter. I kind of didnt like the ot though. Every Tuesday and Thursday I had to wake up at 7am to get ready for an hour of pain. My therapist stretched my wrist and hands in ways they haven't been stretched in years. One day I even told her my hand gives me more plain than pleasure because it wont help me but it causes so much pain just to get the muscles lose. I tried to wear my splint every 2 hours at home but it hurted so bad I could not keep it on for long. Its kind of a lose/lose situation in a way. The longer I wear the splint, the longer I have to endure pain but the more I wear it, the less painful it will become. Get it? Well anyway I guess its all up to me to get my hand better now. I have been wearing my brace day and night to keep my wrist straight but as for the splint, it is just too much of a hassle. I hate having to stop what I am doing in class to try and get the splint on because it takes me a good 5 -10 minutes then the velcro straps don't even stay because my wrist always pops back up. Fall break is coming up on a couple of weeks so I will be starting the baclofen Then I have an appointment with my pain management doctor on the 16th so hopefully he wont be mad that I didn't take the baclofen while going to the therapy.
     
    In other news, I am doing great in scool. I made a 100 on that math test I mentioned in my last entry and I think I did pretty well on the math test I had yesterday. I also made an A on a very tough criminal justice test so I am proud of myself for not letting the "party" atmosphere influence my grades.
     
    Also, yesterday I shared my testimony with so many people! I had to go to an eye doctor and there I met some people in the waiting room who noticed my brace and asked what is wrong. You should see the look on people's faces when I say I had a stroke. Then when I tell them my age right now THEN when I tell them the age I had the stroke. It's like their mouth drops more and more. The opthamologist was even amazed at my story. Later, I went to an advisor of the Individuals with Disabilities club and after telling him my story, he allowed me to share it with everyone who walked in his office. He also wants me to tell my story on his tv show which comes on a local community channel here and I might be Miss Individuals with Disabilities and ride in the Homecoming parade! :laughbounce: Well that's all I can think of for now. Sorry I am not as active in the message board. I browsed through the topics today and I wish I had the time to reply to each of them! I have to get ready for class now Bye
  13. CagedBird

    im a social butterfly!

    By CagedBird,

    Wow its 12:30am and I still have work to do and a math test to study for so this entry will be short. I just wanted to say, first, I had another fall last week. I was trying to roll my roller bookbag out the door and the door closed pushing me into the hall way. I got up quick though. I was not hurt. But ever since, I have been carrying my loads of books on my back because rolling the bookbag seems more challenging believe it or not. Other than that, I have been good. I started occupational therapy and I have began exercising daily as well as wearing my brace and splint for different intervals of time. I am very determined to get my hand back in shape no matter how much pain I have to go through! I am sure it will be worth it in the end. I am doing great when it comes to my social life. Lastnight I stayed out until almost 1am just socializing with people who walk by. (I also have a date this Friday night.) :cheer: Saturday, I begin volunteering at the library which will count as my community service hours for the honors program. I am very excited because I told the faculty I will be volunteering with about my story and they really look up to me as an inspiration. Tomorrow I am going to read 2 of my poems at Open Mic. One is dedicated to my mom and one to my dad. I have really become very social. I almost always sit with a group of people at lunch and everywhere I go someone is saying hi to me (most of the time I don't even know who they are!). I found out there is an Individuals with Disabilities organization here and they actually hold a telvision program on a local channel here so I am very excited about joining. I hope I have time to get in contact with the advisor asap because he told me they meet on Thursdays and I would really like to attend the meeting! Its funny because before no one really noticed my arm but nw that I wear my brace all day, everyone ask what happend to my arm and I guess they thing I sprang my wrist or something so when I say oh I had a stroke, the expression on their face is so shocking! But I've gotten used to telling my story so I kind of enjoy when they ask what happend. Ok well got to go now bye!
  14. CagedBird

    the bright side

    By CagedBird,

    Hello everyone, things have been better. Right now I do believe my gpa is still at a 4.0 so classes are really easy. I am getting better at walking even though I did get a bad bubble blister on my toe and i have a red spot on the side of my foot where my brace irritates it but after walking for so long i start to forget about the pain now. I have good news I am an aunt again. My oldest brother has a son now he was born on Wednesday. It made me feel good when my mom put the baby in my left arm because I could actually hold him (while sitting down). In the past couple days I have met a lot of new people (although i would not say i made new friends.) Its crazy though because when I am walking around campus people greet me by my first name and I don't even know who they are. I guess I am getting popular :laughbounce: I hang out around the dorm or in the lobby after classes to keep from being depressed sitting in my room all evening. Thursday I even ate breakfast lunch and dinner with 3 different people so you can say I am "networking". Today I went to OT and I have more good news. I got a brace for my wrist. I will start OT twice a week and after I wear this brace to straighten my wrist, I will receive another peice which will straighten my fingers also. At my next appointment, I also will be getting my shoulder taped. My occupational therapist said my scapula is sticking out and my muscles are very tight but she said the tape will put everything in place and get it straightend back out. I am just so thankful for my wrist brace right now. Today I wore shorts so my leg brace was shown as well as my new wrist bace but it really didn't bother me any. I have seen people in wheelchairs around campus and I even met a man like me who had a stroke so I am not alone. Atfirst it was kind of awkward with everyone staring at me trying to figure out what was wrong. With my braces on and comfortable workout clothes, you'd think I just got back from a chiropracrtor or something. Some people asked what happend, some just stared, and most were extra nice since this was their first time seeing my braces. but what mattered to me the most is that I felt comfortable. Not a lot of african american young ladies can sacrifice they're style to wear tennis shoes and sport a leg brace and wrist brace with confidence while coming in contact with so many curious strangers but I did it and I gave myself a pat on the back becuse it takes a lot to not only do what I did but to feel comfortable doing it! Well I am at home for the labor day weekend. I hope you all enjoyed my quick update. Time for bed. Thanks for the comments! I read them all!
  15. CagedBird
    I should start by saying, the day after my last entry, I had a big fall outside. That was my break down day. What happend was everyone was seperated into groups with orientation leaders. After one of our workshops, I had to stay and talk with one of the administrators in charge of services for studens with disabilities. While I was talking to him, my group went on to the next workshop so when I went outside I could not find them. While walking on the uneven brick road with my shoe laces untied and my foot aching from the brace on my leg, I was looking down at my cell phone tying to call my orientation leader to find out where she took the group then BOOM I tripped and fell. Luckily, there was a man riding on a golf cart who stopped and helped me up. I ended up getting a ride back to my room and I was allowed to rest for the day and not worry about the rest of the workshops. I spent the afternoon in my room crying because everything was starting to stress me out and I was feeling so overwhelmed. Classes haden't even started yet and I was aleady having a break down! I was so relieved when the weekend arrived and my dad came to pick me up. I really do love the people here though. It's like a big family. Everyone is nice and respectful to me. I am also proud of myself for walking around this humongous campus in 100 something degree weather. I never imagined I could do it but I do it everyday (with no falls)! I also went to a pool party last Friday and I met some new people at movie night. I am trying I really am! It is just so hard to break out of my shell when I acted this way the whole time I was in high school. It is also hard to walk upright with a smile on my face when I am hot sweaty tired and it feels like my ankles are about to fall off my legs which are about to fall off my body! But I am slowly getting used to the distance walking and having to look both ways efore crossing the streets and walking through parking lots because of my vision loss. Well I have my appointment in the morning and I have to finish up some English so I will close this out but first I have an appointment with occupational therapy on Friday so I am hoping and praying my life is about to get a tad more independent, pain less, and easier!
  16. CagedBird

    College life so far

    By CagedBird,

    I will most likely add another entry later this week since classes don't start until Wednesday. Today was my 3rd day here. My move in was a success. My roommate has cerebral palsy so she walks with a limp so yaay I am not alone! and we get along pretty good. Satuday night we had a dance but I had no fun I just went to keep from being in my room. Sunday there was anoher event but once again I found it kind of boring and tonight yet another boring even kind of like a parade. Being that I am at a historically black college, there is a alot of school spirit and a lot of energy. Fayetteville State is historically the first black college funded by the state of North Carolina. The only problem is with me, I am not into all of the dancing and shouting so sometimes I feel like I don't belong here but I just remember classes start in a couple more days so all of the "fun" activities will be over soon. Anyway, it is so hot here in Fayetteville. Today the high was 101! I had to go to so many different workshops and walk to so many different buildings. I really do wish I could wear skirts or flip flops or sandals! I get so hot and tired. I started taking Centrum a couple of weeks ago but Im thinking about switching to One a day because I still do not have a lot of energy and the One a day commercials seem a little more convincing than the Centrum commercials. Other than all of the walking, the worst part of the day for me has become eating. 3 times a day I have to stand in long serving lines which I never had to do in high school so I am really not used to it. What makes it worse is that I have to hold a heavy tray then after I get my plates of food, I am struggling to carry a heavy tray with plates of food on top (only using my good hand) to the nearest table (which is usually empty so I end up eating by myself). No matter how thirsty I am, I have to eat all of my food first and then go get a drink because 1) the tray is too heavy for me to make it to the drink machines and 2) I do not want to leave my food sitting at an empty table while I am fixing my drink. I have used 3 different methods 1) only use a plate so I wont have to carry the tray also, 2) use a tray and a plate and just hold on best I can or 3) get a to-go plate so it will be lighter. But the only problem is with all of these I still have to go back to get a tray to put eveything on because we have to place our trays on this table which will dump the plates since there are no trash cans in there. Luckily, I have only been eating finger foods because the silverware is in a cart so I would be forced to put my plate (and tray somewhere else) while I get an eating utensil. Why does everything have to be so complicated! Another thing that annoys me is the ketchup and mustard machines are where you must use one hand to push the ketchip out of the machines and another hand to hold your food under the spot where the ketchup comes out. I have tried to do this using one hand but it is simply impossible without making a mess and I end up spilling more ketchup or mustard on the floor than my food. So today I ate a hotdog, hamburger, and french fries with nothing on it Well I guess thats all to complain about for now.
    One more thing: Is there a virus on this site? Lately I have been receiving warnings from my anti virus software that it keeps blocking a trojan when I read the forums. Then today, when I tried to log in, I actually almost got a virus and I was forced to restart my computer. If anyone else has had these problems, please let me know.
    P. S. S Just in case I forget to mention it in my next entry, I have an appointment next Tuesday because ssi or whatever wants to check and make sure I am disabled before my claim can go on or whatever and it is at 9:30 but I have an 11:00 class so I hope that works out for the best. If you all do nothng else, please just pray for my strength. The other day I had to break down and cry because I was aone in my room while everyone else was out having fun and I had no one to talk to and nothing to do. Thanks everyone.
  17. CagedBird

    I love you all

    By CagedBird,

    Sometimes I feel like I am the only person in this world who had a stroke then I have to remind myself of the friendly family I have here at strokeboard. You guys are the only people who can really understand me and I am so thankful that I found this site. I apologize for my hiatus. I just haven't known where to begin with this blog. Some days are bad and some days are good and usually when I start to write about a bad day I tend to make it sound worse than it really was or when I write about a good day (barely ever) I leave you guys thinking everything is A O K. So I have decided to write an entry where Im just feeling neutral. Well I guess I will start by saying I got the book One Handed in a Two Handed World. I read about it on this site I believe. I've browsed through it but I haven't tried any of the tips yet. I've gotten so used to doing things my way but I know the book will come in "handy" when I go to college. One thing I looked for that I didn't find was how to tie trash bags using one hand. Any suggestions? Well anyway I move on campus Saturday. I went shopping yesterday and got most of the stuff I need. I went to see a neurologist last Friday so he could fill out medical forms for me to drive. Ocourse he mentioned that it is unsafe for me and everyone else on the road for me to drive because of my vision loss but he sounded like he wanted to help so I am not sure what recommendations he will give the medical board in Raleigh or what I will find out next. I could not go to my dentist appointment today bcause my doctor did not fax a consent form allowing the dentist to sedate me. That was one less appointment I had to worry about but I was kind of disappointed because my teeth are giving me problems and I wanted to get that fixed before school started so I wont have to miss class. I have one more appointment on Friday with a pain management doctor. He was the verseer of my rehabilitation therapy in 2001 when I first had my stroke and lately with all this pain in my wrist, I've been hoping he can help me on Friday. Wish me luck. In other news, I have been going out more lately. One weeked I went to see a movie with some people from high school. It was very different because it was my first time being included in a group outing with my peers. It made me feel good about myself. Later that night we went out to eat and I paid for my food so I felt independence. Also, earlier that day, my dad let me drive his envoy denali around. I just drove to the country store and back. It was fun and it made me feel good but I had to be extra aware of my surroundings and remember to keep my hand on the left side of the steering wheel so I could reach the turn signal. I did really great at driving though. There were other people on the road and I did not cause an accident. No worries, my dad was in the passenger seat watching out for me. I went out again Thursday night. My dad allowed me to go to the midnight movie with the same girl who invited me to the movie the first time except there was a different group of people I knew from school. I hope I meet another friend like that who will invite me places and come pick me up when I get to college. I really enjoyed the freedom my dad gave me though. I actually felt like an adult for once and it didnt matter that I wasen't driving because only 2 people were driving out of the 5 of us who went. But anyway sorry this was so long. I will try to update more often. My apologies for not making it to chat tonight. I love you guys
  18. CagedBird

    I GIVE UP

    By CagedBird,

    i don't know where to begin. I cant stop crying. My left wrist won't stop hurting and Im tired of being this way! I couldn't even get my teeth fixed at the dentist because of the way I am. I cant do anything I want to do! Each year I think I will be back to normal after a new birhjday and surprise everyone when I go back to school but each year Im still gere doing the same things I was doing 5 years ago! I just dont understand! I mean Im happy to say I survived a stroke but why cant I be back to normal by now! Its not fair. I try so hard! No one understands! When my right arm is itching, I cant scratch it. When Im tired of being stuck in my room, I cant just get up a drive somewhere to clear my mind. I hate to even go for a walk because it only reminds me thats thats all I ever be able to do. I made so many goals back in 2001 when I was an inpatient in rehab. I thought I would be back to normal in no time. Almost 6 years later I am exactly the same only Ive learned to use my right hand to do the things my left hand never will be able to do! I get so tired of all the doctors appointments! I get tired of having to get my parents to drive me to my appointments then sit there until Im done then take my home. All I want is independence! I just want to drive if nothing else. But I guess thats too much to ask for. Anyway I am a danger to the road. I know I cant see so whats the point in even trying to change the doctors' mind. I'll always live life unaware of whats to my left side. I'll always have to wear my brace on my leg everywhere I go. There will always be someone tapping me on my shoulder to get my attenton since I cant see them. There wiill always be someone either asking me if I need help or watching me struggle to do things on my own. Yes it hurts to give up but it hurts even more to try and fail over and over again! Some things in life never change and I guess this is on of those things. I cant even remember how it feels to look straight ahead and know whats to my left! I cant even remember what its like to clap my hands or wiggle my toes! That dumb surgeon made the slightest mistake and now Im scarred for life! He gets to go on with his life able bodied and worry free making hundreds of thousands of dollars each year while I lay hear and drown myself in tears over the mistake he made! My doctor goes on with his stupid life driving his fancy car after he tells the dmv i shouldnt drive. Who is he to take away my right to freedom? What have I done to be denied the priviledge to not be on the road? I haven't driven drunk. I haven't been in an accident. I never broke the law but yet I am not given the priviledge to drive over something I can not change and never will be able to! Yes I can show my doctor that I can turn a steering wheel only using one hand but I can not show him that I can see a car coming into my lane while I am looking straight ahead. So I give up! I give up on everything! I try so hard! Theres not one thing I've been faced with that I did not give up on without aleast trying. I took the driver's ed! I exercise my hand! I do the research! I make the appointments with my doctors! but im realizing it is all pointless! Anyway Im done crying like a baby and complaining about things I cant change plus my right hand is hurting just as much as my left hand was from all this typing. Im not asking for comments because there is really nothing you can do to change my situation but if ou know how it feels not to be able to use one of your hands, not to be able to move one of your feet, or not to be able to see on one side, then maybe I will listen to what you have to say.
  19. CagedBird

    new pictures

    By CagedBird,

    Hello everyone. First I just want to thank everyone who left me cpmments, advice, and support. I really do appreciate it. I added new pictures in my album and tried to attach it to this entry because it is kind of hard to find. I was dressed up because I had just left church. Anyway I have been doing good. I've been getting out of the house a lot more and going out having fun. This weekend I plan to go to a concert and a friend of mine from high school s having a birthday party at laser tag. The concert is going to have a lot of rappers and singers performing the latest dance songs so I will probably feel out of place but I think I will still enjoy the music. I have never played laser tag before but I heard it is when you run around and tag people with lasers. Since I can't do much running and my vision isn't the greatest, I'll probably suck at it but I think I will give it a try. I will let you all know how everything goes. I move into the dorm on august 18. The date is approaching so fast!
  20. CagedBird

    Venting

    By CagedBird,

    I apologize for not being active like I said I would. I just finished the 3 page summary on the 25 page article I had to do for my honors freshmen seminar class. It has really taken up a lot of my time. Sometimes I want to update because I am extremely happy and sometimes I just want to vent because I am so upset. My moods fluctuate so much I dont see the point in updating everytime something happens. Anyway my summer has been all work and very little fun. I kind of figured turning 18 wouldnt be so much fun since I still feel like my stroke was just yesterday.
    So anyway I went to the dentist and I have to go back next week to get fillings because I have cavities. My Dr. finally did my paperwork for school so now I don't have to worry about not getting a room. I called yesterday and set up an appointment with a doctor I used to see right after my stroke. Hopefuly I can get back into physical therapy or something because my wrist has been aching I think since it stays bent all the time and my knee has been hurting. I have an appointment with him the day before I move in on campus. As for driving, Im just kissing that goodbye. My doctor just now even looked at the paperwork I gave him last month and he says I need my eye doctor as well as a neurologist to fill out the sections of the papers he does not understand. I am not scheduled to see another neurologist until next month ad my driving papers needed to be sent to Raleigh in 30 days which will be next Saturday. I guess I will have to start the process all over according to the lady who gave me the test at the dmv. I don't even care anymore. To make things worse, my brother got in a car accident the other day (He's ok) so now my dad has to take off work everyday not only to take him to work but now to take him to the chiropractor for therapy everyday. My dad spends more time "playing taxi" for me and my brother more than he spends time at work. Its not my fault I cant drive. My brother got his license taken away for a dui so that is his fault he cant drive. I just wish I could drive and not have to bother everyone for rides and have them waiting for me to finish appointments. I wish I could just go do something fun or finish shopping for my dorm but I cant even do that because all of my money is in the bank and they lost the debit card they were suposed to send me 3 weeks ago. Besides, I know it would be a headache to find someone to take me to the bank to get some cash and I really do not want just anyone taking me to the bank because I have no money to give away, not even gas money. Anyway sorry this was so long. I just had to vent. Thanks for the comments on my pictures and oh yeah I seen one of those walker things at a restaurant. I think my mom knows where I can get one.
  22. CagedBird
    I just got back from college today. Unfortunately, I can not say I had fun. We toured the museum of history and museum of natural sciences and then we toured the legislative building in Raleigh. It was so much walking and it was so hot. Later that night we had to go on a scavenger hunt in groups of 5. I was made captain of my team. I guess I was supposed to have fun but I did not. My legs were hurting so bad and the heat was giving me a headache. Instead of mingling with everyone else and participaing in the activities, I mostly stayed in my dorm. I started to get upset. I wish I could just walk and not be so tired. I wish I could have played cards with everyone else. I wish I could have participated in the water baloon fight and slept outside bonding with everyone else. I wish I didnt have to sit in my first floor room with my bed beside my window listening to everyone scream and laugh all night playing games in the courtyard beside my dorm. I wish I could run so my team would have won first place in the scavenger hunt instead of having to take things slow for me leaving us in last place. I wish I didn't have to make 5 trips from my room at the end of the hallway to the showers at the other end just to carry all of my stuff. I wish the doors weren't so heavy and my key wouldn't get stuck everytime I had to unlock the doors. I wish I didn't have to make 4 trips from my table to the serving line in the cafeteria just to get everything I wanted to eat. I wish that dumb cashier wouldnt have rung that stupid loud bell to get someone to carry my tray at the restaurant. I wish the mentors would quit asking me if I was ok every 5 minutes when it was obvious that I was tired. Sometimes I wish I could just get a degree online. I couldnt even make any friends not because I chose to be alone but because I couldn't do any of the things they were doing. I am still tired right now but I havent got much sleep in the last few days. I wish I could just ride a scooter around campus or atleast there wasen't so many hills and uneven bricks in the roads for me to trip over. I guess I need to change my attitude but it is so hard when the negatives outweigh the positives. Anyway, I have an appointment tomorrow so my doctor can fix the new brace he gave me on Friday since it started hurting my foot as soon as I left his office. Hopefully that will help me walk better and I am thinking about taking a multivitamin to give me more energy since my anemia obviously leaves me drained the entire day.
    Sorry I couldnt bring back any good news. Lots of stuff happend but being the pessimist that I am, I can only remember the things that bothered me
  23. CagedBird
    First Thanks again to everyone and I say you'e wlcomed to dstraugh. So I guess I will give the bad news first. Ok the bad news is I did NOT get my permit today. The good news is, I passed the test and I only missed one question. Now I will either wait until my doctor fills out more medical forms and sends them to Raleigh or just go to the board in Raleigh myself and let them evaluate me. I am not sad at all. I studied hard and I passed my test so I have done all I can do. Now I will just wait for an answer on what to do next.
    My day was pretty good. I tried to put aside issues with my mom and we basically spent the day together (with no arguing!) I can tell you all have been hoping the best for me because things are really getting better. Even though I am not working or driving and stll being driven by my mom and dad, I am starting to feel like an adult now that I am handling my own business and spending my own money. I went and got a North Carolina i.d card and lucky for me, I needed it when I went to request a transcript for college. I am starting to become very excited about college. Sunday, I go for a honors seminar. I will be there until Tuesday so I will miss my laptop dearly. We will be going on field trips and to workshops so I know it will be fun. Lucky for me, my new brace should be finished by Friday. My doctor called today and explained that he will add hinges around the ankle because he thinks that will help the muscle in my heel and make me walk better. I think I will buy new shoes after I get my brace so I wont get so tired when walking around museums and campuses next week during the seminar. I am thinking about buying more nurse's shoes. They are very wide and they have no heel. Well sorry this is so long but again I appreciate all of the love and support you all give me. It puts a smile on my face to see the number of comments I get. Oh yeah thanks for commenting my picture. Sorry it is so blurry. I will be sure to post one of my cap and gown pictures with my big smile once my order comes in about 2 weeks. I love you all!

  24. CagedBird
    thank you all for your support It really does help to know someone cares how I feel. Most of the time I am just venting because I have no real friends to talk to accept all of the stuffed animals i have in my room from being in the hospital so much. Today was finally a better day. My mom and I got into it again but I find it easier to ignore her until her medicine kicks in than to argue. Lastnight I went to the movies with my cousin and her boyfriend and tonight we went to the mall. It felt so great to finally be out of the house. I had been shut in since Friday.
    Tomorrow I will go get my permit. I am so scared. It is almost 12am and I can not sleep. Fortunately, I saved all of my driver's ed material from last year. I made an 85 on the final exam last year so I think if I study good, I will do fine tomorrow. I am just so nervous. I want to have faith that I can do it but I also dont want to loook forward to it, just to be dissapointed again. I am hoping for the best and expecting the worst. I will just study until I cant hold my eyes open. I have to get up at 7:45 so I can be at the DMV early. Hopefully I can get my permit tomorrow then get enough practice so later I can appeal to the medical board at Raleigh and show them how good of a driver I am. I know it's late and I doubt anyone will read this before 9 am but wish me luck or prayers or whatever you do for good things to happen. Im so excited, scared, and nervous!
    I will update when I get back from the DMV and let everyone know how it goes.
     
    A picture of me (just for the fun of it) :big_grin:

  25. CagedBird
    I hate myself. What is wrong with me. Yesterday my brother got mad at me over something stupid so he unhooked the router and I could not get online. I was so upset. The internet is my release therapy, Without my laptop I would be depressed all of the time because I would just lay around thinking of all the many things I could be doing if I didn't have the stupid stroke. So my dad got mad at me for arguing with my brother and I guess I ruined Father's Day so I just cried all day with my face in my pillow locked in my room. Then today I try to get a better start so I called my mom to take me to get my learner's permit so my dad wouldn't have to keep taking off of work and my mom tries to blame me that me and her don't have a good relationship. She is the one who prostituted when she should have been taking care of me. She made me go to bed starving every night when I was a child. I had to ask her and ex stepdad for permission to go in the kitchen or take a bath because I was not allowed She always chose sleeping with other men over spending quality time with me. She is the one who chose that I have surgery over therapy so she is the main reason I stroked. She beat me and choked me when I was only 14 years old. I could not even defend myself. She was trying to kill me. She tried to fight me last year on my 17th birthday. She's crazy. She's been to Dorothy Adix but yet it's MY fault we dont have the good mother/daugter relationship I never had. I hate her with a passion I hate everybody including myself. Why can't I do anything right Why is everything my fault? I feel like I am going to be locked in my room drowning in my tears planning my suicide for my whole summer break. What is wrong with me Why can't I just be happy Why do I cry everyday over the things I haven't been able to change for years. I blame it on the stupid stroke, not me.