CagedBird

Stroke Survivor - female
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Blog Entries posted by CagedBird

  1. CagedBird
    First I would like to thank everyone for everything. I really do appreciate you all being here for me when no one else is. Today I went to the doctor then I had to go to the orthotics proshetics doctor to get sized for a new leg brace. Today was kind of disappointing because my doctor told me I will never be able to drive and it seems like appealing to the board in Raleigh would just be a waste of time. My peripheral vision will never get better and even though I have been seizure free for longer than a year now, the doctors keep telling me that I have epilepsy. Then when I went to the leg brace doctor, I was hoping I could get a smaller brace but he is actually going to make me one that goes higher up my leg and covers more. I enjoyed the time being out of the house but it makes me feel bad that after 6 years, I am still being driven around to different doctors because of the stupid stroke. I really wish I had a better doctor. I have to go to my doctor with my ideas when he should be researching things for me. I get so tired of riding in the car knowing that I will always be in the passenger seat. Right now Im laying down and my wrist is hurting because it is bent but each time I try to straighten it, it wont stay so I kind of lay my head on it to keep it down then my fingers grab my hair and I can't move. I guess some things never change. I want to get back in physcal therapy. I will not find out if I qualify for disability benefits until next month and I wont be driving or working anytime soon so I really want to do therapy with all of my freetime before college. The only problem is I dont really live in the city so I would need a ride everyday to the rehabiltation center I used to go to on the other side of town.
    Well I guess there is a lighter side. I got a little more than $400 for graduation so I guess I have time to do some shopping this summer...if I can get a ride.
     
    P.S I am done with senior week and doctor appointments for now so I will try to be more active on the site and probably blog more
  2. CagedBird

    growing up

    By CagedBird,

    Well I finished school on May 30th. I graduated on June 7th. Everyone was so happy for me . I was very happy atfirst but after hearing everyone say this is the beginning and not the end I am kind of scared. Atfirst I was so happy I am about to be 18. I've been waiting so long to finally be all grown up. Then it hit me...I started to cry. I still feel like Im 12 years old. I should be out driving around, working daily, club hopping nightly. But Im still laying in bed at my laptop and the only people I communicate with who are not online is my cousin I've known all my life and my friend I've known since my stroke. It feels like nothing has changed. I just finished 4 years of high school. Instad of looking back and reminiscing about going out with friends, hanging out at football games, and signing yearbooks, I can only remember sitting in the bathrooms at lunch, suicide attempts, those many days I waited for the slow elevators facing the metal doors so no one could see my face. It hurts. I should be celebrating this milestone not dwelling on it. I am now given a second chance...college. I wonder will college be a repeat of high school or the complete opposite? How will I celebrate my birthday on Thursday...Going out having fun and looking to my future or sitting at home depressed wondering why I still cant see on my left side open my hand or wear sandals and skirts in the summertime? I choose the latter.
  3. CagedBird
    On Saturday I went to the fair with some girls I met. I tried to enjoy myself but it was very hard. First I had to get a ride from my mom and we had to sit and wait for one of the girls to get there so I wouldn't be alone. My mom got very restless very fast and she started to make everything into a big deal. If only I could drive myself, that could have been avoided. By the time the girl got there, I wasen't even excited anymore. She and her friend had to help me get on every single ride (even picking me up once). We were always last to get off he rides holding up the line so the girls could help me get my leg out of the ride once I got my strong side out. It was a Saturday night and the last night of the fair. There was majority young black teenagers like myself only they looked like they were enjoying themselves unlike myself. My dad told me not to get on any rides but I didnt want to waste money so I only rode the "kiddy" ides. When the girls got on the big rides, I stood at the exit and waited. A couple of times they left me because they couldn't find me and I could not see them. It was so hard being in such a big crowd of people especially it being dark outside. I could not get on the good rides. I could not play the games for prizes because I knew it would be a waste of money since it is easier to shoot a ball with 2 hands and it would help to have better vision when you are aiming for a prize. At the conclusion of the night, I needed a ride home. Once again everything was made into such a big deal. Finally my brother came to get me. I have to say, I did not enjoy my night. Sometimes I feel like everytime I try to do something, it is such a bother to everyone else. Sometimes I'd rather be in my bed typing at my laptop than anywhere else in this world because it is just so much easier and I dont have to bother anyone for anything
  4. CagedBird

    Some of my poems

    By CagedBird,

    May 05
    I wrote this the day before I ran away
    I wish I could fly away
     
    Hope for a better day
     
    Feeling hated, unloved, ignored, and friendless
     
    I remember the days when I was treated like a princess
     
    It all happened too fast before I could have my fun
     
    Crippled, traumatized, suicidal
     
    Why am I the only one?
     
    No one else knows how it feels
     
    Because they cant walk in my shoes
     
    They wouldnt last a day trying to survive and do what I do
     
    But they dont think about it that way
     
    Just go on with their perfect lives
     
    Dont know how it feels to try and try and try then cry
     
    I steadily asked why it happened to me
     
    I was an innocent, young, sweet child
     
    Why Lord? Why me?
     
    June 05
    I think by me running away, it was a good side to it. I met a really nice woman who found me walking and my dad realized I really did need therapy. I got what I needed for the time being.
    A childhood of fun, a lifetime of pain
    16 surgeries on the brain
    feels like it happend before i learned to spell my name
    before i jumped rope for heart, before i played hand games
    Not "normal" enough to be human, not "stupid" enough to be retarded
    at the age of 12 is when it all started
    No bike riding for me, skating isnt my style
    no P.E on my schedule, i cant run the mile
    dreams of being a cheerleader, a model, a dancer
    all down the drain after the horrific disaster
    no car, no liscense, no job, no smile
    what must i do to make life worthwhile
    Lived through rape, surgeries, bad relationships, a stroke
    i wonder why i still hold on to hope
    but theres someone out there for me, my dreams i'll achieve
    i might be famous one day, a star on the big screen
    might be a doctor, a lawyer, i dont really like sports
    a model? a dancer? no thats too much work
    people think they know what i cant do, but i know what i can
    im a strong black woman, i dont need no man
    Im now 16, and ready for a change
    so get ready for me, can is my new middle name
     
     
    May 06
    Frustrated while trying to concentrate on my algebra in 2nd period. Instead of taking notes, I had to write a poem.
    The stress of achieving
     
    my strive for independence
     
    I long to rise of a spirit of transcendentalism
     
    My heart sinks in my body exasperated for more blood
     
    I try my hardest but my classes are weighing down on me
     
    like a tree cutter on a bad day
     
    Im trying my hardest, but its pulling me down
     
    being a teenager
     
    a black teenager
     
    a black female teenager
     
    a black female disabled teenager
     
    Life is everything but simple
     
    I think back to when I tried walking away from my problems
     
    searched the busy roads for Easy St.
     
    but there was no easy street
     
    On the road less traveled, I found myself at a dead end
     
    everything ends
     
    when you're a mouse in a maze, where do you go?
     
    search for a way out
     
    an escape
     
    Utopia
     
    is what I long for
     
    I feel like its time for me to write another. I just want to wait until I am happy. My happy poems are much better than the sad ones.