CagedBird

Sometimes I feel like I am the only person in this world who had a stroke then I have to remind myself of the friendly family I have here at strokeboard. You guys are the only people who can really understand me and I am so thankful that I found this site. I apologize for my hiatus. I just haven't known where to begin with this blog. Some days are bad and some days are good and usually when I start to write about a bad day I tend to make it sound worse than it really was or when I write about a good day (barely ever) I leave you guys thinking everything is A O K. So I have decided to write an entry where Im just feeling neutral. Well I guess I will start by saying I got the book One Handed in a Two Handed World. I read about it on this site I believe. I've browsed through it but I haven't tried any of the tips yet. I've gotten so used to doing things my way but I know the book will come in "handy" when I go to college. One thing I looked for that I didn't find was how to tie trash bags using one hand. Any suggestions? Well anyway I move on campus Saturday. I went shopping yesterday and got most of the stuff I need. I went to see a neurologist last Friday so he could fill out medical forms for me to drive. Ocourse he mentioned that it is unsafe for me and everyone else on the road for me to drive because of my vision loss but he sounded like he wanted to help so I am not sure what recommendations he will give the medical board in Raleigh or what I will find out next. I could not go to my dentist appointment today bcause my doctor did not fax a consent form allowing the dentist to sedate me. That was one less appointment I had to worry about but I was kind of disappointed because my teeth are giving me problems and I wanted to get that fixed before school started so I wont have to miss class. I have one more appointment on Friday with a pain management doctor. He was the verseer of my rehabilitation therapy in 2001 when I first had my stroke and lately with all this pain in my wrist, I've been hoping he can help me on Friday. Wish me luck. In other news, I have been going out more lately. One weeked I went to see a movie with some people from high school. It was very different because it was my first time being included in a group outing with my peers. It made me feel good about myself. Later that night we went out to eat and I paid for my food so I felt independence. Also, earlier that day, my dad let me drive his envoy denali around. I just drove to the country store and back. It was fun and it made me feel good but I had to be extra aware of my surroundings and remember to keep my hand on the left side of the steering wheel so I could reach the turn signal. I did really great at driving though. There were other people on the road and I did not cause an accident. No worries, my dad was in the passenger seat watching out for me. I went out again Thursday night. My dad allowed me to go to the midnight movie with the same girl who invited me to the movie the first time except there was a different group of people I knew from school. I hope I meet another friend like that who will invite me places and come pick me up when I get to college. I really enjoyed the freedom my dad gave me though. I actually felt like an adult for once and it didnt matter that I wasen't driving because only 2 people were driving out of the 5 of us who went. But anyway sorry this was so long. I will try to update more often. My apologies for not making it to chat tonight. I love you guys

i don't know where to begin. I cant stop crying. My left wrist won't stop hurting and Im tired of being this way! I couldn't even get my teeth fixed at the dentist because of the way I am. I cant do anything I want to do! Each year I think I will be back to normal after a new birhjday and surprise everyone when I go back to school but each year Im still gere doing the same things I was doing 5 years ago! I just dont understand! I mean Im happy to say I survived a stroke but why cant I be back to normal by now! Its not fair. I try so hard! No one understands! When my right arm is itching, I cant scratch it. When Im tired of being stuck in my room, I cant just get up a drive somewhere to clear my mind. I hate to even go for a walk because it only reminds me thats thats all I ever be able to do. I made so many goals back in 2001 when I was an inpatient in rehab. I thought I would be back to normal in no time. Almost 6 years later I am exactly the same only Ive learned to use my right hand to do the things my left hand never will be able to do! I get so tired of all the doctors appointments! I get tired of having to get my parents to drive me to my appointments then sit there until Im done then take my home. All I want is independence! I just want to drive if nothing else. But I guess thats too much to ask for. Anyway I am a danger to the road. I know I cant see so whats the point in even trying to change the doctors' mind. I'll always live life unaware of whats to my left side. I'll always have to wear my brace on my leg everywhere I go. There will always be someone tapping me on my shoulder to get my attenton since I cant see them. There wiill always be someone either asking me if I need help or watching me struggle to do things on my own. Yes it hurts to give up but it hurts even more to try and fail over and over again! Some things in life never change and I guess this is on of those things. I cant even remember how it feels to look straight ahead and know whats to my left! I cant even remember what its like to clap my hands or wiggle my toes! That dumb surgeon made the slightest mistake and now Im scarred for life! He gets to go on with his life able bodied and worry free making hundreds of thousands of dollars each year while I lay hear and drown myself in tears over the mistake he made! My doctor goes on with his stupid life driving his fancy car after he tells the dmv i shouldnt drive. Who is he to take away my right to freedom? What have I done to be denied the priviledge to not be on the road? I haven't driven drunk. I haven't been in an accident. I never broke the law but yet I am not given the priviledge to drive over something I can not change and never will be able to! Yes I can show my doctor that I can turn a steering wheel only using one hand but I can not show him that I can see a car coming into my lane while I am looking straight ahead. So I give up! I give up on everything! I try so hard! Theres not one thing I've been faced with that I did not give up on without aleast trying. I took the driver's ed! I exercise my hand! I do the research! I make the appointments with my doctors! but im realizing it is all pointless! Anyway Im done crying like a baby and complaining about things I cant change plus my right hand is hurting just as much as my left hand was from all this typing. Im not asking for comments because there is really nothing you can do to change my situation but if ou know how it feels not to be able to use one of your hands, not to be able to move one of your feet, or not to be able to see on one side, then maybe I will listen to what you have to say.

Hello everyone. First I just want to thank everyone who left me cpmments, advice, and support. I really do appreciate it. I added new pictures in my album and tried to attach it to this entry because it is kind of hard to find. I was dressed up because I had just left church. Anyway I have been doing good. I've been getting out of the house a lot more and going out having fun. This weekend I plan to go to a concert and a friend of mine from high school s having a birthday party at laser tag. The concert is going to have a lot of rappers and singers performing the latest dance songs so I will probably feel out of place but I think I will still enjoy the music. I have never played laser tag before but I heard it is when you run around and tag people with lasers. Since I can't do much running and my vision isn't the greatest, I'll probably suck at it but I think I will give it a try. I will let you all know how everything goes. I move into the dorm on august 18. The date is approaching so fast!

I apologize for not being active like I said I would. I just finished the 3 page summary on the 25 page article I had to do for my honors freshmen seminar class. It has really taken up a lot of my time. Sometimes I want to update because I am extremely happy and sometimes I just want to vent because I am so upset. My moods fluctuate so much I dont see the point in updating everytime something happens. Anyway my summer has been all work and very little fun. I kind of figured turning 18 wouldnt be so much fun since I still feel like my stroke was just yesterday. So anyway I went to the dentist and I have to go back next week to get fillings because I have cavities. My Dr. finally did my paperwork for school so now I don't have to worry about not getting a room. I called yesterday and set up an appointment with a doctor I used to see right after my stroke. Hopefuly I can get back into physical therapy or something because my wrist has been aching I think since it stays bent all the time and my knee has been hurting. I have an appointment with him the day before I move in on campus. As for driving, Im just kissing that goodbye. My doctor just now even looked at the paperwork I gave him last month and he says I need my eye doctor as well as a neurologist to fill out the sections of the papers he does not understand. I am not scheduled to see another neurologist until next month ad my driving papers needed to be sent to Raleigh in 30 days which will be next Saturday. I guess I will have to start the process all over according to the lady who gave me the test at the dmv. I don't even care anymore. To make things worse, my brother got in a car accident the other day (He's ok) so now my dad has to take off work everyday not only to take him to work but now to take him to the chiropractor for therapy everyday. My dad spends more time "playing taxi" for me and my brother more than he spends time at work. Its not my fault I cant drive. My brother got his license taken away for a dui so that is his fault he cant drive. I just wish I could drive and not have to bother everyone for rides and have them waiting for me to finish appointments. I wish I could just go do something fun or finish shopping for my dorm but I cant even do that because all of my money is in the bank and they lost the debit card they were suposed to send me 3 weeks ago. Besides, I know it would be a headache to find someone to take me to the bank to get some cash and I really do not want just anyone taking me to the bank because I have no money to give away, not even gas money. Anyway sorry this was so long. I just had to vent. Thanks for the comments on my pictures and oh yeah I seen one of those walker things at a restaurant. I think my mom knows where I can get one.

I uploaded my cap and gown pictures to my gallery

I just got back from college today. Unfortunately, I can not say I had fun. We toured the museum of history and museum of natural sciences and then we toured the legislative building in Raleigh. It was so much walking and it was so hot. Later that night we had to go on a scavenger hunt in groups of 5. I was made captain of my team. I guess I was supposed to have fun but I did not. My legs were hurting so bad and the heat was giving me a headache. Instead of mingling with everyone else and participaing in the activities, I mostly stayed in my dorm. I started to get upset. I wish I could just walk and not be so tired. I wish I could have played cards with everyone else. I wish I could have participated in the water baloon fight and slept outside bonding with everyone else. I wish I didnt have to sit in my first floor room with my bed beside my window listening to everyone scream and laugh all night playing games in the courtyard beside my dorm. I wish I could run so my team would have won first place in the scavenger hunt instead of having to take things slow for me leaving us in last place. I wish I didn't have to make 5 trips from my room at the end of the hallway to the showers at the other end just to carry all of my stuff. I wish the doors weren't so heavy and my key wouldn't get stuck everytime I had to unlock the doors. I wish I didn't have to make 4 trips from my table to the serving line in the cafeteria just to get everything I wanted to eat. I wish that dumb cashier wouldnt have rung that stupid loud bell to get someone to carry my tray at the restaurant. I wish the mentors would quit asking me if I was ok every 5 minutes when it was obvious that I was tired. Sometimes I wish I could just get a degree online. I couldnt even make any friends not because I chose to be alone but because I couldn't do any of the things they were doing. I am still tired right now but I havent got much sleep in the last few days. I wish I could just ride a scooter around campus or atleast there wasen't so many hills and uneven bricks in the roads for me to trip over. I guess I need to change my attitude but it is so hard when the negatives outweigh the positives. Anyway, I have an appointment tomorrow so my doctor can fix the new brace he gave me on Friday since it started hurting my foot as soon as I left his office. Hopefully that will help me walk better and I am thinking about taking a multivitamin to give me more energy since my anemia obviously leaves me drained the entire day. Sorry I couldnt bring back any good news. Lots of stuff happend but being the pessimist that I am, I can only remember the things that bothered me

First Thanks again to everyone and I say you'e wlcomed to dstraugh. So I guess I will give the bad news first. Ok the bad news is I did NOT get my permit today. The good news is, I passed the test and I only missed one question. Now I will either wait until my doctor fills out more medical forms and sends them to Raleigh or just go to the board in Raleigh myself and let them evaluate me. I am not sad at all. I studied hard and I passed my test so I have done all I can do. Now I will just wait for an answer on what to do next. My day was pretty good. I tried to put aside issues with my mom and we basically spent the day together (with no arguing!) I can tell you all have been hoping the best for me because things are really getting better. Even though I am not working or driving and stll being driven by my mom and dad, I am starting to feel like an adult now that I am handling my own business and spending my own money. I went and got a North Carolina i.d card and lucky for me, I needed it when I went to request a transcript for college. I am starting to become very excited about college. Sunday, I go for a honors seminar. I will be there until Tuesday so I will miss my laptop dearly. We will be going on field trips and to workshops so I know it will be fun. Lucky for me, my new brace should be finished by Friday. My doctor called today and explained that he will add hinges around the ankle because he thinks that will help the muscle in my heel and make me walk better. I think I will buy new shoes after I get my brace so I wont get so tired when walking around museums and campuses next week during the seminar. I am thinking about buying more nurse's shoes. They are very wide and they have no heel. Well sorry this is so long but again I appreciate all of the love and support you all give me. It puts a smile on my face to see the number of comments I get. Oh yeah thanks for commenting my picture. Sorry it is so blurry. I will be sure to post one of my cap and gown pictures with my big smile once my order comes in about 2 weeks. I love you all!

thank you all for your support It really does help to know someone cares how I feel. Most of the time I am just venting because I have no real friends to talk to accept all of the stuffed animals i have in my room from being in the hospital so much. Today was finally a better day. My mom and I got into it again but I find it easier to ignore her until her medicine kicks in than to argue. Lastnight I went to the movies with my cousin and her boyfriend and tonight we went to the mall. It felt so great to finally be out of the house. I had been shut in since Friday. Tomorrow I will go get my permit. I am so scared. It is almost 12am and I can not sleep. Fortunately, I saved all of my driver's ed material from last year. I made an 85 on the final exam last year so I think if I study good, I will do fine tomorrow. I am just so nervous. I want to have faith that I can do it but I also dont want to loook forward to it, just to be dissapointed again. I am hoping for the best and expecting the worst. I will just study until I cant hold my eyes open. I have to get up at 7:45 so I can be at the DMV early. Hopefully I can get my permit tomorrow then get enough practice so later I can appeal to the medical board at Raleigh and show them how good of a driver I am. I know it's late and I doubt anyone will read this before 9 am but wish me luck or prayers or whatever you do for good things to happen. Im so excited, scared, and nervous! I will update when I get back from the DMV and let everyone know how it goes. A picture of me (just for the fun of it) :big_grin:

I hate myself. What is wrong with me. Yesterday my brother got mad at me over something stupid so he unhooked the router and I could not get online. I was so upset. The internet is my release therapy, Without my laptop I would be depressed all of the time because I would just lay around thinking of all the many things I could be doing if I didn't have the stupid stroke. So my dad got mad at me for arguing with my brother and I guess I ruined Father's Day so I just cried all day with my face in my pillow locked in my room. Then today I try to get a better start so I called my mom to take me to get my learner's permit so my dad wouldn't have to keep taking off of work and my mom tries to blame me that me and her don't have a good relationship. She is the one who prostituted when she should have been taking care of me. She made me go to bed starving every night when I was a child. I had to ask her and ex stepdad for permission to go in the kitchen or take a bath because I was not allowed She always chose sleeping with other men over spending quality time with me. She is the one who chose that I have surgery over therapy so she is the main reason I stroked. She beat me and choked me when I was only 14 years old. I could not even defend myself. She was trying to kill me. She tried to fight me last year on my 17th birthday. She's crazy. She's been to Dorothy Adix but yet it's MY fault we dont have the good mother/daugter relationship I never had. I hate her with a passion I hate everybody including myself. Why can't I do anything right Why is everything my fault? I feel like I am going to be locked in my room drowning in my tears planning my suicide for my whole summer break. What is wrong with me Why can't I just be happy Why do I cry everyday over the things I haven't been able to change for years. I blame it on the stupid stroke, not me.

First I would like to thank everyone for everything. I really do appreciate you all being here for me when no one else is. Today I went to the doctor then I had to go to the orthotics proshetics doctor to get sized for a new leg brace. Today was kind of disappointing because my doctor told me I will never be able to drive and it seems like appealing to the board in Raleigh would just be a waste of time. My peripheral vision will never get better and even though I have been seizure free for longer than a year now, the doctors keep telling me that I have epilepsy. Then when I went to the leg brace doctor, I was hoping I could get a smaller brace but he is actually going to make me one that goes higher up my leg and covers more. I enjoyed the time being out of the house but it makes me feel bad that after 6 years, I am still being driven around to different doctors because of the stupid stroke. I really wish I had a better doctor. I have to go to my doctor with my ideas when he should be researching things for me. I get so tired of riding in the car knowing that I will always be in the passenger seat. Right now Im laying down and my wrist is hurting because it is bent but each time I try to straighten it, it wont stay so I kind of lay my head on it to keep it down then my fingers grab my hair and I can't move. I guess some things never change. I want to get back in physcal therapy. I will not find out if I qualify for disability benefits until next month and I wont be driving or working anytime soon so I really want to do therapy with all of my freetime before college. The only problem is I dont really live in the city so I would need a ride everyday to the rehabiltation center I used to go to on the other side of town. Well I guess there is a lighter side. I got a little more than $400 for graduation so I guess I have time to do some shopping this summer...if I can get a ride. P.S I am done with senior week and doctor appointments for now so I will try to be more active on the site and probably blog more

Well I finished school on May 30th. I graduated on June 7th. Everyone was so happy for me . I was very happy atfirst but after hearing everyone say this is the beginning and not the end I am kind of scared. Atfirst I was so happy I am about to be 18. I've been waiting so long to finally be all grown up. Then it hit me...I started to cry. I still feel like Im 12 years old. I should be out driving around, working daily, club hopping nightly. But Im still laying in bed at my laptop and the only people I communicate with who are not online is my cousin I've known all my life and my friend I've known since my stroke. It feels like nothing has changed. I just finished 4 years of high school. Instad of looking back and reminiscing about going out with friends, hanging out at football games, and signing yearbooks, I can only remember sitting in the bathrooms at lunch, suicide attempts, those many days I waited for the slow elevators facing the metal doors so no one could see my face. It hurts. I should be celebrating this milestone not dwelling on it. I am now given a second chance...college. I wonder will college be a repeat of high school or the complete opposite? How will I celebrate my birthday on Thursday...Going out having fun and looking to my future or sitting at home depressed wondering why I still cant see on my left side open my hand or wear sandals and skirts in the summertime? I choose the latter.

On Saturday I went to the fair with some girls I met. I tried to enjoy myself but it was very hard. First I had to get a ride from my mom and we had to sit and wait for one of the girls to get there so I wouldn't be alone. My mom got very restless very fast and she started to make everything into a big deal. If only I could drive myself, that could have been avoided. By the time the girl got there, I wasen't even excited anymore. She and her friend had to help me get on every single ride (even picking me up once). We were always last to get off he rides holding up the line so the girls could help me get my leg out of the ride once I got my strong side out. It was a Saturday night and the last night of the fair. There was majority young black teenagers like myself only they looked like they were enjoying themselves unlike myself. My dad told me not to get on any rides but I didnt want to waste money so I only rode the "kiddy" ides. When the girls got on the big rides, I stood at the exit and waited. A couple of times they left me because they couldn't find me and I could not see them. It was so hard being in such a big crowd of people especially it being dark outside. I could not get on the good rides. I could not play the games for prizes because I knew it would be a waste of money since it is easier to shoot a ball with 2 hands and it would help to have better vision when you are aiming for a prize. At the conclusion of the night, I needed a ride home. Once again everything was made into such a big deal. Finally my brother came to get me. I have to say, I did not enjoy my night. Sometimes I feel like everytime I try to do something, it is such a bother to everyone else. Sometimes I'd rather be in my bed typing at my laptop than anywhere else in this world because it is just so much easier and I dont have to bother anyone for anything

May 05 I wrote this the day before I ran away I wish I could fly away Hope for a better day Feeling hated, unloved, ignored, and friendless I remember the days when I was treated like a princess It all happened too fast before I could have my fun Crippled, traumatized, suicidal Why am I the only one? No one else knows how it feels Because they cant walk in my shoes They wouldnt last a day trying to survive and do what I do But they dont think about it that way Just go on with their perfect lives Dont know how it feels to try and try and try then cry I steadily asked why it happened to me I was an innocent, young, sweet child Why Lord? Why me? June 05 I think by me running away, it was a good side to it. I met a really nice woman who found me walking and my dad realized I really did need therapy. I got what I needed for the time being. A childhood of fun, a lifetime of pain 16 surgeries on the brain feels like it happend before i learned to spell my name before i jumped rope for heart, before i played hand games Not "normal" enough to be human, not "stupid" enough to be retarded at the age of 12 is when it all started No bike riding for me, skating isnt my style no P.E on my schedule, i cant run the mile dreams of being a cheerleader, a model, a dancer all down the drain after the horrific disaster no car, no liscense, no job, no smile what must i do to make life worthwhile Lived through rape, surgeries, bad relationships, a stroke i wonder why i still hold on to hope but theres someone out there for me, my dreams i'll achieve i might be famous one day, a star on the big screen might be a doctor, a lawyer, i dont really like sports a model? a dancer? no thats too much work people think they know what i cant do, but i know what i can im a strong black woman, i dont need no man Im now 16, and ready for a change so get ready for me, can is my new middle name May 06 Frustrated while trying to concentrate on my algebra in 2nd period. Instead of taking notes, I had to write a poem. The stress of achieving my strive for independence I long to rise of a spirit of transcendentalism My heart sinks in my body exasperated for more blood I try my hardest but my classes are weighing down on me like a tree cutter on a bad day Im trying my hardest, but its pulling me down being a teenager a black teenager a black female teenager a black female disabled teenager Life is everything but simple I think back to when I tried walking away from my problems searched the busy roads for Easy St. but there was no easy street On the road less traveled, I found myself at a dead end everything ends when you're a mouse in a maze, where do you go? search for a way out an escape Utopia is what I long for I feel like its time for me to write another. I just want to wait until I am happy. My happy poems are much better than the sad ones.