CagedBird

Thank you all for your comments on my last blog. I have some good news. I went to Virginia for a Singles Retreat with a local church. I was just SO grateful so see all of the beautiful water, bridges, tunnels, trees covered in snow, etc with no anxiety! I navigated the hotel, walked through large malls and spent the 3 days with a group of strangers. No anxiety, panic, depression, etc. It was such a blessing. Just a few months ago I felt like my life was over. Im so glad God let me live to experience the great things He had in store for me. Also, yesterday I got a kitten! She is a handful but I love her already. Pets are not allowed in my apartment complex but my property manager said I can get a letter from my psychiatrist saying I need a companion and it will be ok. My kitten's name is Lulu. She's very active so she does not snuggle with me but I like taking care of her, playing with her, and just knowing she's here with me. She has helped my loneliness, fear of the dark, and anxiety (because Im thinking about her more than myself and she keeps me so busy). Part of my therapy last week was to write a list of things I dont like about myself. This week my assignment is to decide what I can and cant change on the list. Next week we will go over accepting what I cant change and how to change what I can. The only issue is majority of the things I wrote ARE things I cant change or things out of my control. If I just needed to get my left side stronger, I could just exercise. But I have so much tone its not that simple and very frustrating trying to use my hand, stretch, etc during this cold season, I dont know how I can fix my vision, and the only thing I can do for my leg is wait until its time for a new brace. I met a couple people during my trip that either had a stroke or new someone that had a stroke and they all fully recovered. I just get so tired of people telling me if I just exercise and pray, I will get my left side back. Im kinda just ready to accept this is the way it is, the way its been, and the way its going to be.

Well I finally decided to update my profile picture since 2008 lol I just took that photo today. The other day I was going through some sadness. It was like I finally stopped worrying about the psychological issues I've been going through and suddenly my mind went back to "woe is me I had a stroke." I don't know why but I suddenly felt so inadequate. I felt like I may never be a good enough wife or mother because of my limitations, I may never have the career I want because of my limitations. I just felt frustrated in general, tired of struggling to do things with one hand after all these years, tired of wearing the same shoes every day because my brace wont fit in anything else. Tired of living in poverty, having to worry about discrimination every time I apply for a job because I am a black disabled woman. I just felt so overwhelmed and inadequate. Luckily my therapist came over the following day. She really helped me feel a little bit better and gave me an exercise to do for next week when we meet. I am glad I noticed my sadness and talked about it and calmed down before it turned into depression or got worse. I did not get the job at the library that I interviewed for but it's okay. I was more than qualified, I passed all of the tests the committee gave me after the interview, and I followed up with a thank you letter. But I'm still smiling. My family is in good health, I'm in good health, and I really want to do more traveling this year so I am just going to enjoy the free time. My license is still under review but I don't need a license to take a plane, train, or bus to go on trips with my church friends and visit family

I feel great. I met one of my neighbors who lives near my dad's house. She is a stroke survivor and she wants me to come over and workout with her sometimes! She wears her brace all the time on her hand and sometimes she sleeps in it. I wanted to do that for so long but I just always take it off because its uncomfortable plus its so cold at night and my wrist is so bent I just go ahead and take it off. I found out that now that I have medicare, I can get a new tens unit and get new electrodes every month for free. I am looking forward to that. I have not used my tens unit in so long because the electrodes were not sticky anymore, plus I was scared that the electrical stimulation would make me have a seizure. But my neurologist assured me that it will not induce a seizure and maybe a new unit will get me motivated! I really want to play my guitar and I know it takes time to learn but I want to feel accomplished and happy when I play, not defeated and frustrated. Even more motivation to work on my hand! Not only am I teaching a senior citizen to read and prepare for his GED (which I love!) He always brags about how much "he loves his teacher" and he really appreciates me, BUT WAIT IT GETS BETTER. I had an interview yesterday so I may get my opportunity to work in the library again! Some other things have happened like my doctor didnt give me clearance to drive but luckily my dad had already made a copy of the paperwork so we took it to my neurologist who knows about ALL my issues and just put me on a new seizure med last month but Im not worried about it. I have my visual field test tomorrow but Im not worried about that either the same way I didnt worry about my road test. I love this peace I have

Thank God it's Friday! I have not had a day to myself since last Friday (which is a good thing I suppose). I have been so busy hanging out with girl friends from church on weekends, going to appointments on Mondays and Wednesdays, and volunteering on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I had a few anxiety attacks last week but I just tossed them to the wind and kept doing what I was doing. No more fear! Im hardly at my apartment so I haven't had much time to sit around and get down in the dumps/bored or think up unnecessary fears. It's so great to be back to my old self and even better since Im not feeling depressed. I even went to a Super Bowl gathering. It reminds me of college when I stayed busy. I applied for a part time job at the library last week but in the meantime I am tutoring an older man who wants to learn the computer and study to take his GED. It was so rewarding helping him read and sound out words. I think I was more excited than him when he would finally pronounce a word right. I am glad I can feel this joy. I finally heard back from the DMV. I simply checked my mail and stayed calm while reading the letters before I went to church Sunday. I have made so much progress! I guess all the paperwork I turned in from my neurologist last September wasn't enough. This time the medical review board requested a road test, a visual field test, and a clearance letter from my doctor with any restrictions on what I need to drive. I believe my dad was more frustrated than me when I told him about it. I took my road test the other day and passed! I take my visual field test next week. It feels good to just have peace though. Im not worried about the future. I can finally be content and not anxious. Thank you all for your comments and support.

It all started last Wednesday. My job coach picked me up at 8am and on the way to the library, I realized I'd had more seizures in my sleep that morning. I had a little breakdown but did my work for the job coach. When I got back to my apartment and my therapist arrived, I completely lost it. I was crying and telling her "I can't live like this." Since I threatened to harm myself and she didn't know what I would do after she left, she had to call 911. I called my apartment manager and she rushed to my apartment to let me cry in her arms until the EMTs arrived then she called my dad to let him know what happened. I stayed the night in the Emergency Department I believe then I went back to my dad's house. Thursday I seen my neurologist. He started me on depakote for seizures. Friday I was so sick. I just felt so depressed. I barely ate but I threw up everywhere. Saturday I felt better physically after throwing up but I still felt so depressed I barely ate anything. Sunday I slept all day, I didnt eat anything all day and I just wanted to die so bad. My dad took me back to the hospital and I requested to go back to the psych ward like I did in November. I found out that my depakote levels were too high. Monday I slept all day again, did not go to any group therapy sessions and didnt even get out of bed to see my dad because I didnt want to be a burden to him. Tuesday I started to feel better and today I feel like a new person. The doctors decreased my depakote and klonapin and started me on seroquel I believe to help me sleep as needed. I got discharged from the hospital on Thursday. It was such a better experience this time. I got some great coping mechanisms, I was able to request a new therapist, and I inspired other suicidal people with epilepsy during group sessions. Most of all, I have not cried or had any seizures, panic attacks or anxiety attacks since Sunday! It's so weird like this is what life feels like wow. My dad said yesterday that I act the way I acted before I moved to Charlotte. No fear, no anxiety, no sadness. Im just living life. I know its only been 2 days since I got discharged from the hospital but I believe I finally got the help I needed. My medications seem to be balanced out now and I learned great mechanisms for getting through tough moments. I didn't even go back to my dad's house. When I left the hospital I came straight to my apartment, did some more training with my job coach that night, and yesterday I ran errands with my dad all day. It's kind of surreal. I am so glad I listened to my body and went back to the Emergency Department. I have not felt this "normal" in such a long time

Unfortunately I had a seizure in my sleep Thursday night/Friday morning. When I woke up at 3:30 in the morning I was disoriented and did not know what day it was or where I was. I bit my tongue, bit the corner of my mouth, and I must have had a fight with the wall. (Luckily I sleep against the wall so I didn't fall off the bed.) but some of my finger nails, were bent all of the way back on my good hand, my stroke ankle was sore and my pinky toe on my good foot is sore. Luckily my dad was able to (painfully) cut my nails back for me. My therapist was already scheduled to come by yesterday morning so that helped. I was frustrated because I'd just met with my job coach from vocational rehab that same day and told them I don't have seizures anymore. On Sunday the girls from church had came over and cooked with me then we watched a movie and Wednesday night, one of the girls took me to church with her. I just dont know what triggered the seizure. I've been taking my medicine every 12 hours. My dad picked me up yesterday and Im staying with him for a few days. My therapist told me not to look too far ahead so Im trying to block out all those thoughts that make me afraid to go to sleep, make me question if/when I might have another one, and Im really trying to get passed it. I did not go to game night with my new church friend tonight but I did go to church this morning. Im still pretty tired and trying not to stress or put too much pressure on myself so Im just trying to stay calm, not get anxious about starting work and going back to my apartment next week, and just letting the anxiety pass when it creeps up.

Wow I cannot believe how much progress I've made. Can you guys believe 2 months ago I was diagnosed with panic disorder with agoraphobia, yet a week ago I went day after Christmas shopping at the MALL. It was a wonderful day. I had not been to the mall in 3 years and it was packed but I felt completely fine. The following day I drove my mom and boy friend to the guitar center. They had sold the guitar I practiced on before so I had to order another one. It is smaller and left handed and it should be ready for me to pick it up today! I am so excited about exercising my arm and learning guitar. I also went to the arts and crafts store next door and got a "paint by numbers" activity. It's like a blank picture with lines and numbers and you paint in the spaces with the number of paint that matches it. I decided to come back to my apartment after church on Sunday. It has been an adjustment but I made it through. My dad wanted to come pick me up the other day I was upset but I did not let him. I brought the new year in at church then yesterday I went HIKING with the singles ministry. I made it all the way to the end of the 2 mile hike! Everyone else was higher up on the rocks taking pictures and I was tired of just sitting there trying not to worry about the hike back. I did not want to spoil the fun but I was ready to head back up the trail so I headed back alone. Luckily after my 2nd fall, I found nice strangers along the way that helped me back and met up with my friends. Of course I felt bad because I ended up doing exactly what I didnt want to do. I didnt want to be a burden to everyone else by asking to head back while they were having fun but I ended up being a burden anyway by causing everyone to panic when they could not find me. Oh well the old me would say "see this is why you will forever be alone. You can't be like everyone else." But the new me says "Great job on completing the hike. You tried something new. You have wonderful friends and don't be afraid to attend more outings. You are not a burden to anyone. If anything you may have been an inspiration!" I may cry sometimes but I will not get majorly depressed. I may feel lonely sometimes but I am never alone. I may feel anxious sometimes, but I will not panic. Just breathe and let it go. Good things are coming my way. Out with the old. In with the new

Thanks everyone. Fred, I visit my mom sometimes. I will write about our visit in my next blog. I will ask my psychiatrist about the pet. I have an appointment with him after my psychiatric evaluation later this month and I go talk to my property manager when I go for walks around the apartment complex so it just might work out.

Christmas was so wonderful. I woke up with a smile on my face and fell asleep with a smile on my face. I spent time with both sides of my family and it was so much fun Everything worked out great. It's just so amazing to actually be able to enjoy myself. This is what happiness feels like! I have come such a long way. Last Christmas I was still having seizures and depressed about having to move back home. Thank God I dont have seizures anymore and I was able to really enjoy myself with NO anxiety! After my last entry, I did some driving and hanging out. I took my cousin out to breakfast then her, my boyfriend, and I went to the library for an anime/manga program. I want to learn to draw as one of my new hobbies. I faced my fears and went back to church. I had a panic attack before getting out of the car but I just breathed. Church was wonderful and my boyfriend enjoyed it as well. I had another anxiety attack when I got back to my apartment and after I got back to my apartment from driving my boyfriend home. Last Monday was my first day just being in my apartment and not going anywhere. I went for a long walk around the park after my therapist and case manager left but other than that I was trying to train myself to be content in my apartment. To make a long story short, I could not volunteer at the rec center yet, my router locked up on my internet so I could not use my computer or stream movies and I had another kinda break down from trying so hard to readjust to just being in my apartment so I came back to my dad's house for the holiday. I've still had anxiety attacks since I been here for about a week but I just breathe through them and doing things just feel more natural. I dont think about every little thing I do. My dad takes me out with him to run errands everyday. I can lay in bed and watch tv without feeling depressed, alone, and scared. I even went to my bible study group Friday night and had no attacks for the first time. My dad dropped me off and picked me up so I didnt have to worry about the long ride home, getting dropped off, showering, trying to fall asleep by myself in my apartment. I haven't even worried about working since I've been here. I just look at it as a Christmas vacation. I've thought about moving back in with my dad once my lease is up in April. I obviously need socialization and do better when Im not alone. I've been applying for jobs but I have so many doctor appointments in January on top of pastoral counseling and meeting with my therapist every week, I might just continue looking for volunteer opportunities. Besides drawing, I want to learn to play the guitar with both hands. I was so excited when I played a chord or whatever its called using my left hand at the guitar center. The guy that works there gave me a free pick. The arts & crafts store is right next to the guitar center so I plan to go there soon and find some things I can work on at my apartment when Im not out volunteering/working. I just want to feel peace joy and freedom in my apartment. I beat the depression and Im managing the anxiety better each day but I got to continue this progress when I go back to my apartment and not let bad memories flood my mind with anxiety 24/7. Thanks for your comments and support. I love you guys. I do want a pet but there are no pets allowed at my apartment complex. I talked to my property manager about my condition though so she might allow me to have one if I can get a letter from my psychiatrist saying its medically necessary. With the increase in SSDI, I might even be able to afford a pet next year (month)

I decided to come back to my apartment last Friday. My boyfriend spent the day with me but it was very overwhelming. After he left, it was more overwhelming. I made it through the night by myself and he came back and spent the weekend with me. It still was not easy. This week I tried my best to stay busy. I joined a therapeutic recreation center for people with disabilities and seniors until I can become a volunteer and do more administrative work. Each morning we start with fitness in the gym. Monday we did arts and crafts then I came back to my apartment and met with my therapist. Tuesday we cooked breakfast, then my dad took me grocery shopping and helped me cook dinner when we got back to my apartment. Wednesday, we did zumba then my dad took me to the store. Wednesday was my first day driving by myself to the rec center and back. Thursday, we played the wii video game then I went out to lunch with my friend from church. Later that evening I drove to my other church friend's house and we talked for a little bit. Yesterday we went on a field trip to the outlet mall. Each morning I wake up and turn the tv on just to have noise. I dont have cable so I usually end up listening to the news and in the evenings I just try to find game shows. I haven't had to deal with the annoying daytime talk shows and courts shows since I've been staying gone most of the day. I was hoping and believing the medication would stop the panic attacks (since I feel like I've tried so many other methods) but unfortunately I have still had a few. I have had more anxiety than full blown panic so thats good I guess. Everything is just a balancing act. I can't even explain how I feel. I can't tell when Im sad or just feeling normal. I put so much pressure on myself to enjoy the moment when Im trying to have fun that I end up having anxiety attack anyway. Don't spend so much time out/around others that Im afraid/sad to go home/be here by myself. Don't spend so much time in my living room that I get anxiety when I see my bed. Don't stay in my bedroom so much that I get flooded with panic attack memories when I go in my living room to sit on the couch and watch a movie. Try to enjoy myself while Im around others and don't worry about what Im going to do when I get alone. Im proud of myself for making it through this week, facing fears, showering alone, driving, calming myself instead of getting more upset and spending time with others and alone without falling into depression. I hope that with medication, therapy, and a daily routine that involves being around others and having time to myself, I will beat the panic disorder, depression and not have anxiety anymore.

Thanks for the link to your blog

I tried going back to my apartment last Sunday because I was just tired of laying here depressed at my dad's house. I made it through the evening and the night but I had to call my dad to pick me back up on Monday. I could not stop crying and I didn't want to be at my apartment but I didn't want to come back to my dad's house. He picked me up and we went visiting my older brothers and their kids but I still couldn't stop crying so I had to come back and stay with my dad. Seems like my meds finally kicked in on Thanksgiving morning! I woke up and smiled for the first time in a long time. It's like the heaviness was lifted from me and God wrapped me in His arms and said "you're safe now." I went to Thanksgiving dinner with my family that day. I started to get a little anxious and exhausted that night but I breathed through the anxiety and my oldest brother that had visited me at the hospital held my hand until I felt okay. A few weeks ago I was having panic attacks back to back, emotionally exhausted, feeling like things were not getting any better, afraid to go anywhere or do anything. But ever since Thanksgiving I have had joy. I wake up in the morning and smile. I even successfully stayed the night at my apartment again on Friday and drove my car (with my boyfriend in the passenger seat). I have been able to ride all around town with my dad with no fear. I block out the "weird" feelings and don't even acknowledge the anxiety because I know there is nothing to be afraid of and nothing is going to happen. Im just tired of the waiting game. I guess because my stroke was at 12, I've always hated waiting on things to change that are beyond my control. I thought my services would already be set up for me when I got out of the hospital but I had to WAIT to meet with my nurse care manager, WAIT to meet my Outreach counselor, and I have been WAITING to get approved for services (in home therapy, transportation, etc.) Yesterday I had my appointment with Vocational Rehab. I had already been WAITING since September to meet my counselor and this was the only thing I had to look forward to so when she told me I have to WAIT for a referral to the employment agencies they work with, then WAIT for them to find me a part time job, it was disappointing. I just want to work. I just want to go back to my apartment and not feel like things are the same as they were since April. I want to get on with my life. I have been unemployed since last Thanksgiving. I had to WAIT for the seizures to stop, I've been in therapy WAITING for the anxiety to get better which only turned into panic disorder. I don't want to go sit in my apartment and wait anymore. Sure I've thought of other things I can do and I have friends and family that can visit. But I have to learn to block out those memories of all the attacks I had in that apartment and it would be easier to live there again by myself if I had a new routine which includes working and not trying to think of what I can do every hour of the day from the time I wake up at 5am until I go to bed at 9 pm like I'd been doing for the past 7 months. It sucks that no one thinks Im ready to jump into a full time position but of course most part time jobs are things I can't do like fast food and retail so I kinda have no choice but to wait on the agencies to help me and with the holidays slowing things down, I really dont want to wait until next month (YEAR) to start working. *Good news: SSA had been underpaying me this year so I got a nice check this month that helped me pay my car insurance for 6 months, vehicle tax, and get it inspected with money leftover. I also have not heard from the medical review board yet so I can continue driving as long as Im comfortable. Im going to look into some volunteer opportunities today.

omg thank you! I love making (vegetarian) burritos and searched youtube for the best way to wrap them but always ended up with a big mess using a fork. I had decided to just start eating it as a mix with tortillas but to keep my pack of tortillas from going to waste and since I have a few of those little clips, Im going to try your idea.

Thank you so much for the comments that were left on my last entry. I dont even remember what I said in that entry. All I remember was I wanted to die and I was tired of trying everything and not getting better. I knew the increase in my keppra plus experiencing the seizures were causing anxiety and psychogenic seizures but I just got so fed up with the anxiety and psychogenic seizures that I went back to my old dose of keppra about a month ago with hopes that the depression/mood changes would not come back as a side effect. Unfortunately I began dealing with depression on top of the anxiety which was exactly what I was hoping wouldn't happen. I was so sick last Monday, I called my dad and he took me to the emergency room. I was pretty much on 24/7 suicide watch for about 3 days until I could talk to a doctor, then I was moved to an actual behavioral health center. We did group activities and I met some very nice people in there for different reasons. My dad visited everyday and I just got out today and am back at his house until I feel okay enough to go back to my apartment. I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder and panic disorder with agoraphobia. I am now taking prozac and my clonapin was increased again. My psychiatrist also told me stop getting in bed so early. At my apartment I would be so tired of having a bad/boring/stressful day, I would shower and get in bed at sometimes 6:00 in the evening then not get up until around 9am when I took my medicine so my psychiatrist (from the sleep center) said I will sleep better if I don't spend so much time in bed before I go to sleep (which I already knew). My therapist while I was there made a referral for me to be in a program that will pick me up and take me places I need/want to go. I also want to try to do some volunteering until I feel stable enough to work. I don't really want to go into detail about how I feel and my crazy experience this past week so Im just going to leave it at that.

Thank you Sue

what is the point in feeling happy only to feel sad again? Why do I go out of my way to go places, surround myself with other people and stay away from my apartment only to come home and fall back into depression. Why does God allow me to suffer panic attacks during prayer at church? What am I doing wrong? I specifically prayed lastnight for peaceful sleep, no interruptions, no bad dreams, no panic attacks in JESUS name. Yet I stayed up half the early morning laying here shaking and jumping up confused. Yesterday the pastor preached on fear. I listened. I took notes. I even went to another church service where another pastor preached on Jesus giving rest to our soul if we just lay our burdens down for Him. I did all of that. I gave God my burdens and tried to enjoy the rest of my day so why did I still have 4 attacks and hardly slept lastnight? I usually get out of bed and have breakfast before I take my meds at 10 but I had a panic attack just thinking about getting out of my bed. I dont want to be in this bed that torments me in my sleep but I don't see the point in getting up. Tired of trying. I don't even care about feeling better because even when Im happy it just makes it hurt worse when I am sad. I don't need anyone to try to cheer me up. You don't know the constant mental torment I endure constantly daily nightly. I just want it to be over. I wish my life would just be over already. Im nothing but negativity. I have no value or worth. Im tired of lying to myself. Im tired of calming myself only to get upset again. Im tired of going to therapy every week for what. I hate myself. Mentally it feels 10 years ago and Im caged bird again that 15 year old that knows nothing but depression and just wants to die. At least I tried this time to make friends, go out, get therapy. But it was all for nothing. Im tired of suffering and I don't want to try a mood stabilizer. That zoloft is probably what triggered the seizures 2 years ago plus I dont need anymore pills to pop. Im ready for this miserable day to be over but Im afraid to fall asleep. Im ready for this miserable life to be over

Last week I had absolutely nothing to do (no appointments) but I ended up going to see my therapist on Thursday for a quick 30 minute session. Without balance in my life it's hard to tell when I'm making the psychological issues better or worse. She suggested that I take 30 minutes a day to let out the emotions then try to just enjoy the rest of my day. It took A LOT of courage but that night I drove to a meditation class I found on meetup.com. I was so relieved when I made it home and slept well. Between rush hour traffic, daylight savings time, and my purpose for going, it was a little too nerve wrecking to drive there and back so I doubt I will go weekly but I did check out some meditation audiobooks, DVDs, and relaxation books. Instead of doing these things all day, I try to just do them once a day then get on with my day. So far I have been listening to a 30 minute meditation each day. Earlier I also listened to some music and got up and danced. I have also been exercising my left side 30 minutes a day and tonight Im going to wear the splint to bed. Yesterday when my boyfriend and I went for a walk around the park, I put my hand in my pocket and it stayed there! He told me thats a trick he used to do to for his weak arm. Im really trying to focus on reducing the tone in my left side especially since its getting cold out. It also gives me something productive to do at home. On Saturday morning I felt horrible. I just could not stop crying. i felt hopeless for my future and tired of waking up fearful of what may happen that day and going to bed fearful of what may happen in my sleep even though I've been doing everything I know how to "change my brain"! I just could not stand to be in this apartment any longer so I drove to my dad's house. It turned out to be a wonderful day. We rode out of town and visited my brother and his wife and kids. When we got back I hung out at the library with my mom, my oldest brother, and his kids. Then I picked my boyfriend up on my way home and spent time with him. No attacks or anything happened that day even with all the excitement so I believe getting all of that crying out that morning really helped release those emotions so they weren't released as attacks throughout the day

My stroke isn't really what got me in the position I am in now. Yes the brain injury caused seizures but the seizures are what made me have to quit my job and move back home and the panic/anxiety/psychogenic seizures are what have made my life so difficult this past year. Perhaps, I need a support group for the psychological problems. I feel like you guys cannot really relate just as my christian friends tell me everything will be okay if I just pray, have faith, and speak positive. I appreciate the comments and I know you guys read my blog but today I was thinking maybe I should go back to just the stroke talk. I feel like you guys could relate more and I got better/more advice and support. Yesterday I decided to lay in bed all day on the computer. Ever since I moved to my apartment I had been avoiding laying on my bed on the computer because thats all I ever did at my dad's house and I had seizures laying in bed on my computer. So my mission for the past 6 months had just been watch netflix on my couch, maybe watch tv in my room for a little bit, and try to get out the apartment as much as possible. But yesterday I just lay here. I got bored but I slept wonderfully lastnight. Instead of waking up screaming for help, I would wake up, thank God, then fall right back asleep. Maybe my brain just needed a break. I don't know. It was a good day though. Today has been great as well. After getting 10 hours of sleep, I decided to live today like I was never diagnosed with all those stupid psychological disorders. (I tried this a few months ago but it didnt take long for me to have an attack, give up, and accept my condition and try to do my best to deal with it.) Yesterday I watched a bunch of videos on exercises for stroke. My boyfriend who has cp said his hand/wrist/arm used to be like mine but now he can use it really good so between him and the videos I see online of other stroke survivors progressing, I felt motivated to get back in the habit. As I've said before, life was hard but it was much easier when my main focus was getting my left side better (not trying to figure out this psychological crap everyday). exercise So this morning I went for a walk around my neighborhood wearing my wrist support and trying to keep my elbow from bending as I walked. I came inside and cleaned my apartment then did more exercises stretching my arm and elbow. I have been wearing my splint for 6 hours. I attended an online career fair. I never let my stroke stop me from working and Im tired of this psychological crap messing up my life so attending the career fair gave me something to do and helped me not focus on my arm being straight in the splint for 3 hours. I did not find any jobs in my area and I do not want to work from home anymore but my vocational rehabilitation counselor is supposed to be working on an employment plan with me soon so Im just being patient. epiphany I used to complain so much about my arm, my vision loss, all the things I could not do. As crazy as it sounds Im kinda glad I had to experience the seizures/psychological crap. Before experiencing all that I probably would be laying here crying and depressed, bored, worried about my license, dwelling on still being "stuck like this" after 13 years, and just wishing I could do better with my life. But instead, today has been a wonderful day and Im just grateful I slept good and had no attacks today.

Thanks for the advice in my last entry. I appreciate your ideas but I'm still kind of in a difficult situation. Since I quit working and moved back home almost a year ago now, I have filled my days with tv, talking on the phone, movies, computer, reading, etc so sometimes I dread doing those things because there's only so much you can do before it gets boring after a while especially when you're by yourself. I do not feel comfortable just getting in my car and driving to the library or the park or the mall to people watch or any of that, if I had a panic attack that day. Then if I have one while Im out, that makes me nervous about driving home. If I have fun while Im out and no attacks, then Im scared to go home. yeah sucks, I usually do have things to do on Saturdays. Like I said in my last entry, last Saturday was the first time in 6 months that I did not go anywhere or hang out with anyone. I stayed in my room all day but it was not too bad. I did have an attack that night before bed but I was still thankful I managed to make it through my day all alone in my room by myself. I did not get anxious and feel like I needed to force myself to go somewhere. I slept good that night. Sunday was great. I went to church with some of my family. There were 2 church services so I was pretty much there all day then I hung out at my cousins' house for a little bit before deciding to come on home. I had an attack that night as well but once again I was just happy I'd made it through the whole day without any. Church was great and I was feeling confident that things are going to get better for me soon. Yesterday was a little more difficult though. Even though I spent the whole day pretty much with my boyfriend, I got dizzy while we were at the movies but I tried to ignore it. I made it through lunch and drove us back home but got dizzy again when we were watching tv. It was like I had a staring spell. Since they have only been happening once or twice a day lately I tried to remain hopeful but I had a panic attack after I got out of the shower. It was one of those "feel like Im about to have a seizure" attacks. Last night was not any better. While falling asleep, I jumped up and threw the covers off me saying Im scared. Through the night I remember opening my eyes saying help me and screaming in my pillow "help me!" I don't know if these were just dreams and I was sleep talking and it woke me up or if I was really having attacks and calling out to God, I do not see my therapist for another 3 weeks but I am trying my best to stay sane in the meantime. I wish I could just block out the memories of the seizures and attacks from the last 2 years. It was hard enough to be happy when I was depressed about the stroke. Trying to control my thoughts, find things to do everyday and not think about the past is an even greater challenge. I will be glad when the day comes that I can look back and say thank God I dont have to go through that anymore.

My stroke was 13 years ago from today. This was the weekend I was in ICU while the surgeons tried to fix their mistake. I did not know how to feel about today or what to do. Everything seems so confusing now because I have too much time to think. Ever since I moved to my apartment 6 months ago I have done something every single Saturday. I always looked forward to the weekends because that was when I could take a break from sitting on my couch watching movies from sunrise to sunset and actually hang out and talk to my family and friends. Even on the Saturdays that I didn't plan anything I still ended up doing something or getting in my car and going somewhere even if just back to my dad's house to get away. So even though I hung out with girlfriends from church lastnight for Bible study at the coffee shop, I stayed the night at my dad's house this week just to get away, and my boyfriend came over one day, I just don't know what to do today because Im so used to being around other people on Saturday. I don't know how to feel about my stroke anniversary. I am thankful that I still have my license for now, I have my own place again, and I don't have epileptic seizures anymore. I still want to work, to keep my license, and to not have attacks at all though. On Thursday I started taking my medicine at 10 instead of 9 so I can go to bed later and hopefully wake up later. I seen my doctor this week. He's giving me referrals to another psychiatrist and neurologist for a 2nd opinion. He also mentioned valium might be better than clonazepam. He also told me not to be afraid to use my left side. Just because it trembles does not mean I am going to have a seizure so I shouldn't be afraid to exercise it. Everything seems more confusing with a psychological disorder. When I just wanted to use my left hand, I just went to therapy and exercised. But with this anxiety/panic/psychogenic stuff I don't know what to do. My therapist gave me a list of coping techniques but its hard because I feel like if Im afraid to do them or I do them wrong, then they're not going to work or make things worse. She tells me Im suppressing my emotions and just need to let them out. I shouldnt suppress the panic attack. Just let it happen. But if that's the case then why do Christians preach about turning your problems over to God and not worrying about them? Do I need to breathe deeply and stay calm all the time so I wont have an attack? Or do I need to start doing fun active things to get my heart rate up and take my mind off anxiety. I've never been wild and outgoing and I mean lets face it I had a stroke at 12 and been on seizure meds ever since so my teenage and young adult years were limited as to what exciting wild and crazy things I could do. I just want things to get better and not worse and part of me wants to do whatever I can to make things better but part of me just wants to go back to my regular life and pretend this condition doesn't exist until it goes away.

Well even though I only got a handful of views on my last entry and comments have been dwindling, I am going to blog because yesterday my therapist told me writing and talking about how I feel helps. I thought it made it worse. After having attacks/seizures while on the phone and blogging, I assumed talking/typing about it was just triggering bad memories but apparently according to my therapist, talking/writing about it gets all those suppressed thoughts out of my head. As I said in my last entry I have had attacks/psychogenic seizures lately but they have only been one or 2 a day. I did have some while wearing the halter monitor. I had one that night, 2 in my sleep, and one scary one on the way back to the cardiologist to return the monitor. I wont get my results until my next appointment on halloween. My weekend has been good so far. My boyfriend went with me to the Heart Walk this morning and I wore the Stroke Survivor t-shirt I purchased from this website a few years ago. It was nice. I did not want to just be sitting in my apartment alone for the rest of the day so I came to my dad's house. I kept having nightmares last night that I was having a seizure. I just kept waking up scared saying "Im scared, Im scared!" and shaking. My boyfriend said I was just laying there so Im guessing it was either nightmares or the psychogenics and not epileptic seizures. It's just irritating since the seizures started in my sleep 2 years ago and were misdiagnosed as parasomnias for so long. I have to keep reminding myself that I don't have seizures anymore and just go back to sleep and everything will be okay. My 13th stroke anniversary is next Saturday. I see my therapist the day before so I will probably have some new poetry coming soon. She told me about a treatment called Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) that is used to treat psychogenic seizures and trauma based therapy used to treat underlying trauma (experiencing the seizure) but she is not trained in either one so she s just going to continue working on decreasing my anxiety. In the meantime I am researching how I can minimize them happening in my sleep. This just started a few months ago. I miss just being able to drive whenever, go to sleep whenever, watch whatever on tv, and play on my computer in silence like the introvert I am without worrying about too much silence, too much noise, spending too much time alone, being afraid to be by myself. Its like my personality has turned into a psychological diagnosis and my general everyday thoughts have turned into fear and anxiety. These doctors putting a stigma on everything and giving me medicine for everything I feel like has made things a little worse.

I have had so many doctors appointments. My gynecologist had me get an ultrasound of my uterus after my pap smear. Then my doctor set me up with a cardiologist so I had to see him to do an EKG last week before going to the diagnostic center so they could check my blood and thyroid. Today I had to get the ultrasound of my heart and I have no clue how I am going to sleep with all of these wires on me and this remote thing clipped to my pants. I know they are looking for palpatations. I have a paper to fill out every time I feel dizzy or whatever but I have a feeling its going to be like my EEG last year. The one time Im being monitored is probably when everything will go okay and they wont find anything. Oh well Im glad I only have to wear this thing for 24 hours. I will update you guys on how it goes but I wont follow up with the cardiologist until the end of the month. attacks I have only had a few scary attacks/psychogenic seizures where I thought I needed to call for help. Pretty much in the past week I've only had one or 2 a day and usually by the time I think about reacting to it, it's already ending. My cardiologist told me to put my finger in my mouth and try to blow without letting the air out so slow my heart rate so one day I got dizzy I tried to do it but by the time I put my finger in my mouth, I felt fine. sleeping Still have had trouble sleeping. The increase in clonazepam helps me fall asleep easier but I've still been waking up a lot, having attacks in my sleep where I wake up heart racing and dizzy, and sometimes I just open my eyes really scared like I was just laying there and wasn't even sleeping. Im just glad its not every night. good times My weekend went well. My bestfriend finally took a day from her boyfriend to spend with me on Friday. We got nails done and went shopping. It was great to get out of the house on a weekday, go somewhere other than the doctor, and drive with no worries. I also hung out at the park with my boyfriend and we went to poetry night at the coffee shop over the weekend. I almost fell in love when he told me he feels bad sometimes because he cant clap. I have NEVER met a guy that understands how it feels to not be able to clap your hands. I don't know if its the fact that I spend time/talk to him a lot lately, I was deeply depressed for a few weeks and am getting back to being content, or my new medicine regimen is really working but whatever it is, I am so glad I can live my life and feel happiness again and not constant despair frustration and worthlessness

After my last entry, I did sleep good again. It is kind of hard because everyone tells me not to overthink things and associate my behaviors with having attacks/seizures but at the same time I kind of have to find patterns to see what works and what are triggers. Wednesday was a great day. I drove to the dentist and back home safely and did not have any attacks/seizures the whole day. I tried to stay up and watch a movie since my day was going well but I had 2 attacks during the movie. I don't know if they would've happened in my sleep anyway so I tried not to worry about it. It was still a great day. Thursday I started back on my old dosage of keppra that I'd been taking for the 12 years before the seizures came back, started back on my name brand mini pill, and took 2 clonazepams that night instead of one. I still had an attack while trying to fall asleep but I've been sleeping pretty good ever since so it might have just been anxiety about falling asleep after my first day on the old dosage of keppra. Yesterday was wonderful. After a good nights rest, I went the whole entire day with no attacks/seizures. I had been up since 8am hanging out with my dad, I had to talk about my condition during my intake appointment at Vocational Rehab, and even though I spent the whole day with my dad everything stayed okay when I got home and slept. Today I did have a quick attack but I reminded myself I do not have seizures anymore and Im back on the right meds to help me. It was a lot less intense than the ones I had last week so Im hoping the meds are doing their job.

I just want to say thank you all so much for your support. I want to share my good news. I fell asleep lastnight without thinking about it and slept 8 hours straight for the first time in months I was so happy when I woke up this morning. Sunday night my (new) boyfriend stayed the night with me since I was scared. I kept waking up every 2 hours and had crazy dreams and even though we fell asleep later than my 0:00 bedtime (we stayed up watching the football game) I still kept waking up. So yesterday I came to my dad's house. I was so sleepy lastnight and the psychogenic seizures tried to happen a few times but I watched the premiere of the Voice til about 10:30. I was so sleepy I don't even remember falling asleep! I was just so happy because usually when I go to bed early it takes me a while to fall asleep so I just lay there thinking and when I try to go to bed late, I still end up waking up super early, or having the attacks in my sleep. So yes lastnight was perfect. I only hope I can sleep this good again tonight and when I go back to my apartment tomorrow. I really dont want to be afraid of being in my apartment and falling asleep at night there by myself. I just left the psychiatrist. He wants me to take 2 clonazepam at night and 1 in the morning. I've been taking 1 at night and 1 in the morning. Hopefully this will help me sleep better and not have the attacks in my sleep. He also prescribed me clonidine at night to slow my heart rate if I have an attack and help me sleep but Im not sure if I want to try that one because it is a blood pressure medicine and sometimes my blood pressure is already low plus when I looked it up it was listed under medicines that may cause symptoms of depression and I dont need that! I might wait until I see the cardiologist next week and get a second opinion before I start that one. Unfortunately the psychiatrist said there is no real treatment for psychogenic seizures except what I've been doing (therapy and clonazepam.) Now my only hope is that the increase in clonazepam will help, the decrease in my keppra will decrease the side effects, and getting back on the name brand of my mini pill will balance my hormones back out and help my mood. I just met my boyfriend about a week ago but we spent a lot of time together this weekend. He accepts me. The other day when I could not breathe and could only stare trying not to cry, he held my hand and assured me he was there. He was born with cerebral palsy so his right arm is kinda like my left arm except his is stronger than mine. Anyway there are things we both cant do with our arm/hand/wrist. It's kinda funny because he's left handed and Im right handed so we both got lucky in that our weak arm is our non-dominant arm. I am glad I met someone that can relate to me, supports me, and cares about me.