CagedBird

Stroke Survivor - female
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Blog Entries posted by CagedBird

  1. CagedBird
    It all started last Wednesday. My job coach picked me up at 8am and on the way to the library, I realized I'd had more seizures in my sleep that morning. I had a little breakdown but did my work for the job coach. When I got back to my apartment and my therapist arrived, I completely lost it. I was crying and telling her "I can't live like this." Since I threatened to harm myself and she didn't know what I would do after she left, she had to call 911. I called my apartment manager and she rushed to my apartment to let me cry in her arms until the EMTs arrived then she called my dad to let him know what happened. I stayed the night in the Emergency Department I believe then I went back to my dad's house.
     
    Thursday I seen my neurologist. He started me on depakote for seizures. Friday I was so sick. I just felt so depressed. I barely ate but I threw up everywhere. Saturday I felt better physically after throwing up but I still felt so depressed I barely ate anything. Sunday I slept all day, I didnt eat anything all day and I just wanted to die so bad. My dad took me back to the hospital and I requested to go back to the psych ward like I did in November. I found out that my depakote levels were too high. Monday I slept all day again, did not go to any group therapy sessions and didnt even get out of bed to see my dad because I didnt want to be a burden to him.
     
    Tuesday I started to feel better and today I feel like a new person. The doctors decreased my depakote and klonapin and started me on seroquel I believe to help me sleep as needed. I got discharged from the hospital on Thursday. It was such a better experience this time. I got some great coping mechanisms, I was able to request a new therapist, and I inspired other suicidal people with epilepsy during group sessions. Most of all, I have not cried or had any seizures, panic attacks or anxiety attacks since Sunday!
     
    It's so weird like this is what life feels like wow. My dad said yesterday that I act the way I acted before I moved to Charlotte. No fear, no anxiety, no sadness. Im just living life. I know its only been 2 days since I got discharged from the hospital but I believe I finally got the help I needed. My medications seem to be balanced out now and I learned great mechanisms for getting through tough moments. I didn't even go back to my dad's house. When I left the hospital I came straight to my apartment, did some more training with my job coach that night, and yesterday I ran errands with my dad all day. It's kind of surreal. I am so glad I listened to my body and went back to the Emergency Department. I have not felt this "normal" in such a long time
  2. CagedBird

    Trying to stay strong

    By CagedBird,

    Unfortunately I had a seizure in my sleep Thursday night/Friday morning. When I woke up at 3:30 in the morning I was disoriented and did not know what day it was or where I was. I bit my tongue, bit the corner of my mouth, and I must have had a fight with the wall. (Luckily I sleep against the wall so I didn't fall off the bed.) but some of my finger nails, were bent all of the way back on my good hand, my stroke ankle was sore and my pinky toe on my good foot is sore. Luckily my dad was able to (painfully) cut my nails back for me.
     
    My therapist was already scheduled to come by yesterday morning so that helped. I was frustrated because I'd just met with my job coach from vocational rehab that same day and told them I don't have seizures anymore. On Sunday the girls from church had came over and cooked with me then we watched a movie and Wednesday night, one of the girls took me to church with her. I just dont know what triggered the seizure. I've been taking my medicine every 12 hours. My dad picked me up yesterday and Im staying with him for a few days.
     
    My therapist told me not to look too far ahead so Im trying to block out all those thoughts that make me afraid to go to sleep, make me question if/when I might have another one, and Im really trying to get passed it. I did not go to game night with my new church friend tonight but I did go to church this morning. Im still pretty tired and trying not to stress or put too much pressure on myself so Im just trying to stay calm, not get anxious about starting work and going back to my apartment next week, and just letting the anxiety pass when it creeps up.
  3. CagedBird
    Wow I cannot believe how much progress I've made. Can you guys believe 2 months ago I was diagnosed with panic disorder with agoraphobia, yet a week ago I went day after Christmas shopping at the MALL. It was a wonderful day. I had not been to the mall in 3 years and it was packed but I felt completely fine.
     
    The following day I drove my mom and boy friend to the guitar center. They had sold the guitar I practiced on before so I had to order another one. It is smaller and left handed and it should be ready for me to pick it up today! I am so excited about exercising my arm and learning guitar. I also went to the arts and crafts store next door and got a "paint by numbers" activity. It's like a blank picture with lines and numbers and you paint in the spaces with the number of paint that matches it.
     
    I decided to come back to my apartment after church on Sunday. It has been an adjustment but I made it through. My dad wanted to come pick me up the other day I was upset but I did not let him. I brought the new year in at church then yesterday I went HIKING with the singles ministry. I made it all the way to the end of the 2 mile hike! Everyone else was higher up on the rocks taking pictures and I was tired of just sitting there trying not to worry about the hike back. I did not want to spoil the fun but I was ready to head back up the trail so I headed back alone. Luckily after my 2nd fall, I found nice strangers along the way that helped me back and met up with my friends.
     
    Of course I felt bad because I ended up doing exactly what I didnt want to do. I didnt want to be a burden to everyone else by asking to head back while they were having fun but I ended up being a burden anyway by causing everyone to panic when they could not find me. Oh well the old me would say "see this is why you will forever be alone. You can't be like everyone else." But the new me says "Great job on completing the hike. You tried something new. You have wonderful friends and don't be afraid to attend more outings. You are not a burden to anyone. If anything you may have been an inspiration!"
     
    I may cry sometimes but I will not get majorly depressed.
    I may feel lonely sometimes but I am never alone.
    I may feel anxious sometimes, but I will not panic. Just breathe and let it go.
    Good things are coming my way. Out with the old. In with the new
  4. CagedBird
    Christmas was so wonderful. I woke up with a smile on my face and fell asleep with a smile on my face. I spent time with both sides of my family and it was so much fun Everything worked out great. It's just so amazing to actually be able to enjoy myself. This is what happiness feels like! I have come such a long way. Last Christmas I was still having seizures and depressed about having to move back home. Thank God I dont have seizures anymore and I was able to really enjoy myself with NO anxiety!
     
    After my last entry, I did some driving and hanging out. I took my cousin out to breakfast then her, my boyfriend, and I went to the library for an anime/manga program. I want to learn to draw as one of my new hobbies. I faced my fears and went back to church. I had a panic attack before getting out of the car but I just breathed. Church was wonderful and my boyfriend enjoyed it as well. I had another anxiety attack when I got back to my apartment and after I got back to my apartment from driving my boyfriend home.
     
    Last Monday was my first day just being in my apartment and not going anywhere. I went for a long walk around the park after my therapist and case manager left but other than that I was trying to train myself to be content in my apartment. To make a long story short, I could not volunteer at the rec center yet, my router locked up on my internet so I could not use my computer or stream movies and I had another kinda break down from trying so hard to readjust to just being in my apartment so I came back to my dad's house for the holiday.
     
    I've still had anxiety attacks since I been here for about a week but I just breathe through them and doing things just feel more natural. I dont think about every little thing I do. My dad takes me out with him to run errands everyday. I can lay in bed and watch tv without feeling depressed, alone, and scared. I even went to my bible study group Friday night and had no attacks for the first time. My dad dropped me off and picked me up so I didnt have to worry about the long ride home, getting dropped off, showering, trying to fall asleep by myself in my apartment.
     
    I haven't even worried about working since I've been here. I just look at it as a Christmas vacation. I've thought about moving back in with my dad once my lease is up in April. I obviously need socialization and do better when Im not alone. I've been applying for jobs but I have so many doctor appointments in January on top of pastoral counseling and meeting with my therapist every week, I might just continue looking for volunteer opportunities.
     
    Besides drawing, I want to learn to play the guitar with both hands. I was so excited when I played a chord or whatever its called using my left hand at the guitar center. The guy that works there gave me a free pick. The arts & crafts store is right next to the guitar center so I plan to go there soon and find some things I can work on at my apartment when Im not out volunteering/working. I just want to feel peace joy and freedom in my apartment. I beat the depression and Im managing the anxiety better each day but I got to continue this progress when I go back to my apartment and not let bad memories flood my mind with anxiety 24/7.
     
    Thanks for your comments and support. I love you guys. I do want a pet but there are no pets allowed at my apartment complex. I talked to my property manager about my condition though so she might allow me to have one if I can get a letter from my psychiatrist saying its medically necessary. With the increase in SSDI, I might even be able to afford a pet next year (month)
  5. CagedBird

    big adjustment

    By CagedBird,

    I decided to come back to my apartment last Friday. My boyfriend spent the day with me but it was very overwhelming. After he left, it was more overwhelming. I made it through the night by myself and he came back and spent the weekend with me. It still was not easy.
     
    This week I tried my best to stay busy. I joined a therapeutic recreation center for people with disabilities and seniors until I can become a volunteer and do more administrative work. Each morning we start with fitness in the gym. Monday we did arts and crafts then I came back to my apartment and met with my therapist. Tuesday we cooked breakfast, then my dad took me grocery shopping and helped me cook dinner when we got back to my apartment. Wednesday, we did zumba then my dad took me to the store. Wednesday was my first day driving by myself to the rec center and back. Thursday, we played the wii video game then I went out to lunch with my friend from church. Later that evening I drove to my other church friend's house and we talked for a little bit. Yesterday we went on a field trip to the outlet mall.
     
    Each morning I wake up and turn the tv on just to have noise. I dont have cable so I usually end up listening to the news and in the evenings I just try to find game shows. I haven't had to deal with the annoying daytime talk shows and courts shows since I've been staying gone most of the day. I was hoping and believing the medication would stop the panic attacks (since I feel like I've tried so many other methods) but unfortunately I have still had a few. I have had more anxiety than full blown panic so thats good I guess.
     
    Everything is just a balancing act. I can't even explain how I feel. I can't tell when Im sad or just feeling normal. I put so much pressure on myself to enjoy the moment when Im trying to have fun that I end up having anxiety attack anyway. Don't spend so much time out/around others that Im afraid/sad to go home/be here by myself. Don't spend so much time in my living room that I get anxiety when I see my bed. Don't stay in my bedroom so much that I get flooded with panic attack memories when I go in my living room to sit on the couch and watch a movie. Try to enjoy myself while Im around others and don't worry about what Im going to do when I get alone. Im proud of myself for making it through this week, facing fears, showering alone, driving, calming myself instead of getting more upset and spending time with others and alone without falling into depression. I hope that with medication, therapy, and a daily routine that involves being around others and having time to myself, I will beat the panic disorder, depression and not have anxiety anymore.
  6. CagedBird

    The waiting game

    By CagedBird,

    I tried going back to my apartment last Sunday because I was just tired of laying here depressed at my dad's house. I made it through the evening and the night but I had to call my dad to pick me back up on Monday. I could not stop crying and I didn't want to be at my apartment but I didn't want to come back to my dad's house. He picked me up and we went visiting my older brothers and their kids but I still couldn't stop crying so I had to come back and stay with my dad.
     
    Seems like my meds finally kicked in on Thanksgiving morning! I woke up and smiled for the first time in a long time. It's like the heaviness was lifted from me and God wrapped me in His arms and said "you're safe now." I went to Thanksgiving dinner with my family that day. I started to get a little anxious and exhausted that night but I breathed through the anxiety and my oldest brother that had visited me at the hospital held my hand until I felt okay.
     
    A few weeks ago I was having panic attacks back to back, emotionally exhausted, feeling like things were not getting any better, afraid to go anywhere or do anything. But ever since Thanksgiving I have had joy. I wake up in the morning and smile. I even successfully stayed the night at my apartment again on Friday and drove my car (with my boyfriend in the passenger seat). I have been able to ride all around town with my dad with no fear. I block out the "weird" feelings and don't even acknowledge the anxiety because I know there is nothing to be afraid of and nothing is going to happen.
     
    Im just tired of the waiting game. I guess because my stroke was at 12, I've always hated waiting on things to change that are beyond my control. I thought my services would already be set up for me when I got out of the hospital but I had to WAIT to meet with my nurse care manager, WAIT to meet my Outreach counselor, and I have been WAITING to get approved for services (in home therapy, transportation, etc.)
     
    Yesterday I had my appointment with Vocational Rehab. I had already been WAITING since September to meet my counselor and this was the only thing I had to look forward to so when she told me I have to WAIT for a referral to the employment agencies they work with, then WAIT for them to find me a part time job, it was disappointing. I just want to work. I just want to go back to my apartment and not feel like things are the same as they were since April. I want to get on with my life. I have been unemployed since last Thanksgiving. I had to WAIT for the seizures to stop, I've been in therapy WAITING for the anxiety to get better which only turned into panic disorder. I don't want to go sit in my apartment and wait anymore. Sure I've thought of other things I can do and I have friends and family that can visit. But I have to learn to block out those memories of all the attacks I had in that apartment and it would be easier to live there again by myself if I had a new routine which includes working and not trying to think of what I can do every hour of the day from the time I wake up at 5am until I go to bed at 9 pm like I'd been doing for the past 7 months.
     
    It sucks that no one thinks Im ready to jump into a full time position but of course most part time jobs are things I can't do like fast food and retail so I kinda have no choice but to wait on the agencies to help me and with the holidays slowing things down, I really dont want to wait until next month (YEAR) to start working.
     
    *Good news: SSA had been underpaying me this year so I got a nice check this month that helped me pay my car insurance for 6 months, vehicle tax, and get it inspected with money leftover. I also have not heard from the medical review board yet so I can continue driving as long as Im comfortable. Im going to look into some volunteer opportunities today.
  7. CagedBird

    i got some help

    By CagedBird,

    Thank you so much for the comments that were left on my last entry. I dont even remember what I said in that entry. All I remember was I wanted to die and I was tired of trying everything and not getting better. I knew the increase in my keppra plus experiencing the seizures were causing anxiety and psychogenic seizures but I just got so fed up with the anxiety and psychogenic seizures that I went back to my old dose of keppra about a month ago with hopes that the depression/mood changes would not come back as a side effect.
     
    Unfortunately I began dealing with depression on top of the anxiety which was exactly what I was hoping wouldn't happen. I was so sick last Monday, I called my dad and he took me to the emergency room. I was pretty much on 24/7 suicide watch for about 3 days until I could talk to a doctor, then I was moved to an actual behavioral health center. We did group activities and I met some very nice people in there for different reasons. My dad visited everyday and I just got out today and am back at his house until I feel okay enough to go back to my apartment.
     
    I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder and panic disorder with agoraphobia. I am now taking prozac and my clonapin was increased again. My psychiatrist also told me stop getting in bed so early. At my apartment I would be so tired of having a bad/boring/stressful day, I would shower and get in bed at sometimes 6:00 in the evening then not get up until around 9am when I took my medicine so my psychiatrist (from the sleep center) said I will sleep better if I don't spend so much time in bed before I go to sleep (which I already knew).
     
    My therapist while I was there made a referral for me to be in a program that will pick me up and take me places I need/want to go. I also want to try to do some volunteering until I feel stable enough to work. I don't really want to go into detail about how I feel and my crazy experience this past week so Im just going to leave it at that.
  8. CagedBird

    tired of trying

    By CagedBird,

    what is the point in feeling happy only to feel sad again? Why do I go out of my way to go places, surround myself with other people and stay away from my apartment only to come home and fall back into depression. Why does God allow me to suffer panic attacks during prayer at church? What am I doing wrong? I specifically prayed lastnight for peaceful sleep, no interruptions, no bad dreams, no panic attacks in JESUS name. Yet I stayed up half the early morning laying here shaking and jumping up confused. Yesterday the pastor preached on fear. I listened. I took notes. I even went to another church service where another pastor preached on Jesus giving rest to our soul if we just lay our burdens down for Him.
     
    I did all of that. I gave God my burdens and tried to enjoy the rest of my day so why did I still have 4 attacks and hardly slept lastnight? I usually get out of bed and have breakfast before I take my meds at 10 but I had a panic attack just thinking about getting out of my bed. I dont want to be in this bed that torments me in my sleep but I don't see the point in getting up. Tired of trying. I don't even care about feeling better because even when Im happy it just makes it hurt worse when I am sad. I don't need anyone to try to cheer me up. You don't know the constant mental torment I endure constantly daily nightly. I just want it to be over. I wish my life would just be over already. Im nothing but negativity. I have no value or worth.
     
    Im tired of lying to myself. Im tired of calming myself only to get upset again. Im tired of going to therapy every week for what. I hate myself. Mentally it feels 10 years ago and Im caged bird again that 15 year old that knows nothing but depression and just wants to die. At least I tried this time to make friends, go out, get therapy. But it was all for nothing. Im tired of suffering and I don't want to try a mood stabilizer. That zoloft is probably what triggered the seizures 2 years ago plus I dont need anymore pills to pop. Im ready for this miserable day to be over but Im afraid to fall asleep. Im ready for this miserable life to be over
  9. CagedBird

    Exercising and coping

    By CagedBird,

    Last week I had absolutely nothing to do (no appointments) but I ended up going to see my therapist on Thursday for a quick 30 minute session. Without balance in my life it's hard to tell when I'm making the psychological issues better or worse. She suggested that I take 30 minutes a day to let out the emotions then try to just enjoy the rest of my day. It took A LOT of courage but that night I drove to a meditation class I found on meetup.com. I was so relieved when I made it home and slept well.
     
    Between rush hour traffic, daylight savings time, and my purpose for going, it was a little too nerve wrecking to drive there and back so I doubt I will go weekly but I did check out some meditation audiobooks, DVDs, and relaxation books. Instead of doing these things all day, I try to just do them once a day then get on with my day. So far I have been listening to a 30 minute meditation each day. Earlier I also listened to some music and got up and danced.
     
    I have also been exercising my left side 30 minutes a day and tonight Im going to wear the splint to bed. Yesterday when my boyfriend and I went for a walk around the park, I put my hand in my pocket and it stayed there! He told me thats a trick he used to do to for his weak arm. Im really trying to focus on reducing the tone in my left side especially since its getting cold out. It also gives me something productive to do at home.
     
    On Saturday morning I felt horrible. I just could not stop crying. i felt hopeless for my future and tired of waking up fearful of what may happen that day and going to bed fearful of what may happen in my sleep even though I've been doing everything I know how to "change my brain"! I just could not stand to be in this apartment any longer so I drove to my dad's house. It turned out to be a wonderful day. We rode out of town and visited my brother and his wife and kids. When we got back I hung out at the library with my mom, my oldest brother, and his kids. Then I picked my boyfriend up on my way home and spent time with him. No attacks or anything happened that day even with all the excitement so I believe getting all of that crying out that morning really helped release those emotions so they weren't released as attacks throughout the day
  10. CagedBird

    back to the stroke

    By CagedBird,

    My stroke isn't really what got me in the position I am in now. Yes the brain injury caused seizures but the seizures are what made me have to quit my job and move back home and the panic/anxiety/psychogenic seizures are what have made my life so difficult this past year. Perhaps, I need a support group for the psychological problems. I feel like you guys cannot really relate just as my christian friends tell me everything will be okay if I just pray, have faith, and speak positive. I appreciate the comments and I know you guys read my blog but today I was thinking maybe I should go back to just the stroke talk. I feel like you guys could relate more and I got better/more advice and support.
     
    Yesterday I decided to lay in bed all day on the computer. Ever since I moved to my apartment I had been avoiding laying on my bed on the computer because thats all I ever did at my dad's house and I had seizures laying in bed on my computer. So my mission for the past 6 months had just been watch netflix on my couch, maybe watch tv in my room for a little bit, and try to get out the apartment as much as possible. But yesterday I just lay here. I got bored but I slept wonderfully lastnight. Instead of waking up screaming for help, I would wake up, thank God, then fall right back asleep. Maybe my brain just needed a break. I don't know. It was a good day though.
     
    Today has been great as well. After getting 10 hours of sleep, I decided to live today like I was never diagnosed with all those stupid psychological disorders. (I tried this a few months ago but it didnt take long for me to have an attack, give up, and accept my condition and try to do my best to deal with it.) Yesterday I watched a bunch of videos on exercises for stroke. My boyfriend who has cp said his hand/wrist/arm used to be like mine but now he can use it really good so between him and the videos I see online of other stroke survivors progressing, I felt motivated to get back in the habit. As I've said before, life was hard but it was much easier when my main focus was getting my left side better (not trying to figure out this psychological crap everyday).
     
    exercise
    So this morning I went for a walk around my neighborhood wearing my wrist support and trying to keep my elbow from bending as I walked. I came inside and cleaned my apartment then did more exercises stretching my arm and elbow. I have been wearing my splint for 6 hours. I attended an online career fair. I never let my stroke stop me from working and Im tired of this psychological crap messing up my life so attending the career fair gave me something to do and helped me not focus on my arm being straight in the splint for 3 hours. I did not find any jobs in my area and I do not want to work from home anymore but my vocational rehabilitation counselor is supposed to be working on an employment plan with me soon so Im just being patient.
     
    epiphany
    I used to complain so much about my arm, my vision loss, all the things I could not do. As crazy as it sounds Im kinda glad I had to experience the seizures/psychological crap. Before experiencing all that I probably would be laying here crying and depressed, bored, worried about my license, dwelling on still being "stuck like this" after 13 years, and just wishing I could do better with my life. But instead, today has been a wonderful day and Im just grateful I slept good and had no attacks today.
  11. CagedBird

    Trying my best

    By CagedBird,

    Thanks for the advice in my last entry. I appreciate your ideas but I'm still kind of in a difficult situation. Since I quit working and moved back home almost a year ago now, I have filled my days with tv, talking on the phone, movies, computer, reading, etc so sometimes I dread doing those things because there's only so much you can do before it gets boring after a while especially when you're by yourself. I do not feel comfortable just getting in my car and driving to the library or the park or the mall to people watch or any of that, if I had a panic attack that day. Then if I have one while Im out, that makes me nervous about driving home. If I have fun while Im out and no attacks, then Im scared to go home. yeah sucks,
     
    I usually do have things to do on Saturdays. Like I said in my last entry, last Saturday was the first time in 6 months that I did not go anywhere or hang out with anyone. I stayed in my room all day but it was not too bad. I did have an attack that night before bed but I was still thankful I managed to make it through my day all alone in my room by myself. I did not get anxious and feel like I needed to force myself to go somewhere. I slept good that night. Sunday was great. I went to church with some of my family. There were 2 church services so I was pretty much there all day then I hung out at my cousins' house for a little bit before deciding to come on home. I had an attack that night as well but once again I was just happy I'd made it through the whole day without any. Church was great and I was feeling confident that things are going to get better for me soon.
     
    Yesterday was a little more difficult though. Even though I spent the whole day pretty much with my boyfriend, I got dizzy while we were at the movies but I tried to ignore it. I made it through lunch and drove us back home but got dizzy again when we were watching tv. It was like I had a staring spell. Since they have only been happening once or twice a day lately I tried to remain hopeful but I had a panic attack after I got out of the shower. It was one of those "feel like Im about to have a seizure" attacks.
     
    Last night was not any better. While falling asleep, I jumped up and threw the covers off me saying Im scared. Through the night I remember opening my eyes saying help me and screaming in my pillow "help me!" I don't know if these were just dreams and I was sleep talking and it woke me up or if I was really having attacks and calling out to God, I do not see my therapist for another 3 weeks but I am trying my best to stay sane in the meantime. I wish I could just block out the memories of the seizures and attacks from the last 2 years. It was hard enough to be happy when I was depressed about the stroke. Trying to control my thoughts, find things to do everyday and not think about the past is an even greater challenge. I will be glad when the day comes that I can look back and say thank God I dont have to go through that anymore.
  12. CagedBird
    My stroke was 13 years ago from today. This was the weekend I was in ICU while the surgeons tried to fix their mistake. I did not know how to feel about today or what to do. Everything seems so confusing now because I have too much time to think. Ever since I moved to my apartment 6 months ago I have done something every single Saturday. I always looked forward to the weekends because that was when I could take a break from sitting on my couch watching movies from sunrise to sunset and actually hang out and talk to my family and friends. Even on the Saturdays that I didn't plan anything I still ended up doing something or getting in my car and going somewhere even if just back to my dad's house to get away.
     
    So even though I hung out with girlfriends from church lastnight for Bible study at the coffee shop, I stayed the night at my dad's house this week just to get away, and my boyfriend came over one day, I just don't know what to do today because Im so used to being around other people on Saturday.
     
    I don't know how to feel about my stroke anniversary. I am thankful that I still have my license for now, I have my own place again, and I don't have epileptic seizures anymore. I still want to work, to keep my license, and to not have attacks at all though.
     
    On Thursday I started taking my medicine at 10 instead of 9 so I can go to bed later and hopefully wake up later. I seen my doctor this week. He's giving me referrals to another psychiatrist and neurologist for a 2nd opinion. He also mentioned valium might be better than clonazepam. He also told me not to be afraid to use my left side. Just because it trembles does not mean I am going to have a seizure so I shouldn't be afraid to exercise it.
     
    Everything seems more confusing with a psychological disorder. When I just wanted to use my left hand, I just went to therapy and exercised. But with this anxiety/panic/psychogenic stuff I don't know what to do. My therapist gave me a list of coping techniques but its hard because I feel like if Im afraid to do them or I do them wrong, then they're not going to work or make things worse. She tells me Im suppressing my emotions and just need to let them out. I shouldnt suppress the panic attack. Just let it happen. But if that's the case then why do Christians preach about turning your problems over to God and not worrying about them? Do I need to breathe deeply and stay calm all the time so I wont have an attack? Or do I need to start doing fun active things to get my heart rate up and take my mind off anxiety. I've never been wild and outgoing and I mean lets face it I had a stroke at 12 and been on seizure meds ever since so my teenage and young adult years were limited as to what exciting wild and crazy things I could do. I just want things to get better and not worse and part of me wants to do whatever I can to make things better but part of me just wants to go back to my regular life and pretend this condition doesn't exist until it goes away.
  13. CagedBird
    I have had so many doctors appointments. My gynecologist had me get an ultrasound of my uterus after my pap smear. Then my doctor set me up with a cardiologist so I had to see him to do an EKG last week before going to the diagnostic center so they could check my blood and thyroid. Today I had to get the ultrasound of my heart and I have no clue how I am going to sleep with all of these wires on me and this remote thing clipped to my pants. I know they are looking for palpatations. I have a paper to fill out every time I feel dizzy or whatever but I have a feeling its going to be like my EEG last year. The one time Im being monitored is probably when everything will go okay and they wont find anything. Oh well Im glad I only have to wear this thing for 24 hours. I will update you guys on how it goes but I wont follow up with the cardiologist until the end of the month.
     
    attacks
    I have only had a few scary attacks/psychogenic seizures where I thought I needed to call for help. Pretty much in the past week I've only had one or 2 a day and usually by the time I think about reacting to it, it's already ending. My cardiologist told me to put my finger in my mouth and try to blow without letting the air out so slow my heart rate so one day I got dizzy I tried to do it but by the time I put my finger in my mouth, I felt fine.
     
    sleeping
    Still have had trouble sleeping. The increase in clonazepam helps me fall asleep easier but I've still been waking up a lot, having attacks in my sleep where I wake up heart racing and dizzy, and sometimes I just open my eyes really scared like I was just laying there and wasn't even sleeping. Im just glad its not every night.
     
    good times
    My weekend went well. My bestfriend finally took a day from her boyfriend to spend with me on Friday. We got nails done and went shopping. It was great to get out of the house on a weekday, go somewhere other than the doctor, and drive with no worries. I also hung out at the park with my boyfriend and we went to poetry night at the coffee shop over the weekend. I almost fell in love when he told me he feels bad sometimes because he cant clap. I have NEVER met a guy that understands how it feels to not be able to clap your hands. I don't know if its the fact that I spend time/talk to him a lot lately, I was deeply depressed for a few weeks and am getting back to being content, or my new medicine regimen is really working but whatever it is, I am so glad I can live my life and feel happiness again and not constant despair frustration and worthlessness
  14. CagedBird
    Well even though I only got a handful of views on my last entry and comments have been dwindling, I am going to blog because yesterday my therapist told me writing and talking about how I feel helps. I thought it made it worse. After having attacks/seizures while on the phone and blogging, I assumed talking/typing about it was just triggering bad memories but apparently according to my therapist, talking/writing about it gets all those suppressed thoughts out of my head.
     
    As I said in my last entry I have had attacks/psychogenic seizures lately but they have only been one or 2 a day. I did have some while wearing the halter monitor. I had one that night, 2 in my sleep, and one scary one on the way back to the cardiologist to return the monitor. I wont get my results until my next appointment on halloween.
     
    My weekend has been good so far. My boyfriend went with me to the Heart Walk this morning and I wore the Stroke Survivor t-shirt I purchased from this website a few years ago. It was nice. I did not want to just be sitting in my apartment alone for the rest of the day so I came to my dad's house. I kept having nightmares last night that I was having a seizure. I just kept waking up scared saying "Im scared, Im scared!" and shaking. My boyfriend said I was just laying there so Im guessing it was either nightmares or the psychogenics and not epileptic seizures. It's just irritating since the seizures started in my sleep 2 years ago and were misdiagnosed as parasomnias for so long. I have to keep reminding myself that I don't have seizures anymore and just go back to sleep and everything will be okay.
     
    My 13th stroke anniversary is next Saturday. I see my therapist the day before so I will probably have some new poetry coming soon. She told me about a treatment called Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) that is used to treat psychogenic seizures and trauma based therapy used to treat underlying trauma (experiencing the seizure) but she is not trained in either one so she s just going to continue working on decreasing my anxiety. In the meantime I am researching how I can minimize them happening in my sleep. This just started a few months ago. I miss just being able to drive whenever, go to sleep whenever, watch whatever on tv, and play on my computer in silence like the introvert I am without worrying about too much silence, too much noise, spending too much time alone, being afraid to be by myself. Its like my personality has turned into a psychological diagnosis and my general everyday thoughts have turned into fear and anxiety. These doctors putting a stigma on everything and giving me medicine for everything I feel like has made things a little worse.
  15. CagedBird

    Adjusting

    By CagedBird,

    After my last entry, I did sleep good again. It is kind of hard because everyone tells me not to overthink things and associate my behaviors with having attacks/seizures but at the same time I kind of have to find patterns to see what works and what are triggers. Wednesday was a great day. I drove to the dentist and back home safely and did not have any attacks/seizures the whole day. I tried to stay up and watch a movie since my day was going well but I had 2 attacks during the movie. I don't know if they would've happened in my sleep anyway so I tried not to worry about it. It was still a great day.
     
    Thursday I started back on my old dosage of keppra that I'd been taking for the 12 years before the seizures came back, started back on my name brand mini pill, and took 2 clonazepams that night instead of one. I still had an attack while trying to fall asleep but I've been sleeping pretty good ever since so it might have just been anxiety about falling asleep after my first day on the old dosage of keppra.
     
    Yesterday was wonderful. After a good nights rest, I went the whole entire day with no attacks/seizures. I had been up since 8am hanging out with my dad, I had to talk about my condition during my intake appointment at Vocational Rehab, and even though I spent the whole day with my dad everything stayed okay when I got home and slept.
    Today I did have a quick attack but I reminded myself I do not have seizures anymore and Im back on the right meds to help me. It was a lot less intense than the ones I had last week so Im hoping the meds are doing their job.
  16. CagedBird
    I just want to say thank you all so much for your support. I want to share my good news. I fell asleep lastnight without thinking about it and slept 8 hours straight for the first time in months I was so happy when I woke up this morning. Sunday night my (new) boyfriend stayed the night with me since I was scared. I kept waking up every 2 hours and had crazy dreams and even though we fell asleep later than my 0:00 bedtime (we stayed up watching the football game) I still kept waking up. So yesterday I came to my dad's house.
     
    I was so sleepy lastnight and the psychogenic seizures tried to happen a few times but I watched the premiere of the Voice til about 10:30. I was so sleepy I don't even remember falling asleep! I was just so happy because usually when I go to bed early it takes me a while to fall asleep so I just lay there thinking and when I try to go to bed late, I still end up waking up super early, or having the attacks in my sleep. So yes lastnight was perfect. I only hope I can sleep this good again tonight and when I go back to my apartment tomorrow. I really dont want to be afraid of being in my apartment and falling asleep at night there by myself.
     
    I just left the psychiatrist. He wants me to take 2 clonazepam at night and 1 in the morning. I've been taking 1 at night and 1 in the morning. Hopefully this will help me sleep better and not have the attacks in my sleep. He also prescribed me clonidine at night to slow my heart rate if I have an attack and help me sleep but Im not sure if I want to try that one because it is a blood pressure medicine and sometimes my blood pressure is already low plus when I looked it up it was listed under medicines that may cause symptoms of depression and I dont need that! I might wait until I see the cardiologist next week and get a second opinion before I start that one.
     
    Unfortunately the psychiatrist said there is no real treatment for psychogenic seizures except what I've been doing (therapy and clonazepam.) Now my only hope is that the increase in clonazepam will help, the decrease in my keppra will decrease the side effects, and getting back on the name brand of my mini pill will balance my hormones back out and help my mood.
     
    I just met my boyfriend about a week ago but we spent a lot of time together this weekend. He accepts me. The other day when I could not breathe and could only stare trying not to cry, he held my hand and assured me he was there. He was born with cerebral palsy so his right arm is kinda like my left arm except his is stronger than mine. Anyway there are things we both cant do with our arm/hand/wrist. It's kinda funny because he's left handed and Im right handed so we both got lucky in that our weak arm is our non-dominant arm. I am glad I met someone that can relate to me, supports me, and cares about me.
  17. CagedBird

    Acceptance?

    By CagedBird,

    Its only been a few days and here I am blogging again. I finally slept good lastnight. No nightmares, no attacks. A few nights ago as I was trying to fall asleep, I threw the covers off of me and jumped up saying "no, help me God please." I guess I was afraid to fall asleep because of the nightmares and attacks I'd had the night before in my sleep. I feel bad when I complain about my bad sleeping habits to other people. It could be a lot worse and I know that and I give thanks every morning I wake up that I dont have epileptic seizures in my sleep anymore.
     
    I have been having anxiety attacks everyday this week but they have not been like the seizures. It's like I feel it coming, I tell myself it's okay and it will be over soon, just breathe then Im fine. Yesterday I had a panic attack too though. I had a pretty busy day. I had an interview at my church. It went great but after the interview my dad wanted to pick up my DMV medical review papers from my neurologist, then I tried to make an appointment with a psychiatrist next door (I've only been seeing a therapist for anxiety and I need someone that can treat the psychogenic seizures). After that my dad realized my neurologist didn't fill out half the papers and he put a lot of stuff on there that will more than likely get my license suspended, so we had to go see my eye doctor and I had to have a full exam so he could fill out the vision portion of the review.
     
    I usually have a conference call with my girl friends from church on Thursday nights but the leader was sick. On the way to my apartment my dad kept fussing about how my neurologist really messed me up and he sure hopes I dont get my license taken away. All the while Im thinking "okay Katrina, you made it through your interview, you made it through the day with no attacks. Everything is going to be okay." But as I tried to open my apartment door I broke. I got dizzy and I tried to yell out "daddy Im scared." (He was in the car waiting for me to get inside before he drove off.) So he came inside and sat with me until I calmed down.
     
    The rest of my night went well. Even though I did not want to be here alone after being gone all day and even though I could not stop the worrying before falling asleep, I made it through. Today is a new day and I already had 1 anxiety attack this morning but hopefully that was the only one for the day. It seems like things go better when I just say "whatever happens happens, I hope I sleep good, I don't know what the day will bring". But whenever I pray and speak positively and try to have good thoughts that does not make a difference. I hate to just accept that's the way it is and just have the i don't care/whatever happens attitude.
     
    Once again I feel like that is not having active faith and I might miss out on God's blessings if Im not believing and praying for exactly what I want to happen. I know the Bible says pray without ceasing but I just kinda feel better not hoping and praying about the fate of my license, whether or not I will get a job, if I will sleep peacefully, if I will make it through the day without an attack, etc. My left hand doesn't bother me anymore probably because Im not praying for healing everyday, exercising, focusing on it, and letting it determine my happiness. Im trying to treat this psychological stuff the same way but at the same time I kinda dont want to accept it because I dont want to live like this in uncontrollable fear/anxiety everyday and night.
  18. CagedBird

    im scared

    By CagedBird,

    I was not going to blog about this. I did not even want to think about this but I need something that can remind me of this for future reference. I don't know if you guys remember but when I first moved to Charlotte in 2012, I was on zoloft, I quit baclofen, and I had quit taking the mini-pill a couple months before. I quit the Zoloft after about a month because it was making me more depressed, even though I properly weened myself off the baclofen I got back on it so I could qualify for the bioness, and as you guys know I have been seizure free since I finally started back on the mini-pill in March this year so I cant figure out what exactly triggered the seizures to return in 2012.
     
    It was right around that time that I started to have seizures in my sleep but my neurologist thought they were just parasomnias. This continued all through last year. I would wake up unable to move or be screaming in my sleep but nothing was coming out or I would be trying to wake up but could not open my eyes. Of course we realized I was actually having seizures I guess sometimes so I got on the clonazepam last September to help with anxiety about falling asleep and the night terrors.
     
    Well now Im scared. A few months ago I began having trouble falling asleep but I attributed it to boredom and forcing myself to go to bed at 9:00 after not doing anything all day. Then I started to wake up in the middle of the night more but I once again figured maybe its because I got enough sleep or the sounds around my apartment building. Well now things have got worse. For the past couple weeks, I have been having nightmares. Majority of the time they are n the mornings after I woke up at 2am then fall back asleep in the morning after staying up a couple hours. Then I started to jump up yelling "no! help me! God please!" usually tossing the covers off me and afraid to fall back asleep.
    The reason Im scared now is because things got worse this morning. Im afraid to fall asleep on my right side because it used to feel like someone was pushing me back when I had seizures in my sleep. Now Im afraid to fall asleep on my left side because I've had so many nightmares but this morning I cant tell if I was having a nightmare, sleep paralysis, or a seizure. In my head I was screaming but I was asleep and couldnt wake up. I cant tell if my body was really jerking from a seizure or if I was just having sleep paralysis and couldnt move. I remember thinking in my head (yelling) "Im falling, someone help me." Pretty much these are the same exact things that I was experiencing when I was having seizures in my sleep.
     
    I guess the clonazepam is only good for short term use but now I don't know what to do. Some days are so unbearable because of the panic/anxiety attacks and psychogenic seizures so all I want to do is go to bed but now Im scared to go to sleep again!
  19. CagedBird
    I miss the days when I could just think whatever, say whatever, and do whatever without worrying about whats going to happen. I was afraid to blog about my good day because the day was not over yet. I texted my cousin good news and began having anxiety as I was texting her because I dont know I guess I felt like something bad was going to happen. I hardly get any comments to my blog anymore so I dont know how up to date you all are on my condition.
     
    I went to church Saturday morning and it was so good. I felt so much peace and freedom but after I got home the depression came back and I had 2 non epileptic seizures (1 as I was talking on the phone and 1 right before I fell asleep.) I was so depressed Sunday I lay in bed all day wishing I was dead. Finally I called my dad that evening and decided to stay the night at his house. I just did not want to be alone.
     
    Surprisingly staying at his house went well. No panic attacks, no seizures. Even though I had trouble sleeping through the night, I did not have any nightmares or attacks in my sleep. Yesterday went well also. I had nightmares and attacks in my sleep this morning and 2 anxiety attacks today but good news is I drove myself to the doctor and back safely. I did not want to drive but my dad had to work.
     
    I never thought I would miss the days when not being able to use my left hand was my biggest worry. I am so ready to get treatment started, medication, psychotherapy, whatever for these psychogenic seizures and whatever else is going on. Im so tired of thinking about everything! What did I do differently that one day I didn't have an attack? I want to stay up later than 9 but what am I going to do and what if I have an attack then am afraid to fall asleep period? I want to talk on the phone but I dont want to talk about this. If I watch this show at 7, what am I going to do at 8 to keep me busy til 9? Its just so nerve wrecking all day! But its like I have to think of things and patterns to try to find triggers I guess.
     
    Then there's the whole meditation/positive thinking bit. I've been trying to lay down and take a nap everyday this week so far. If I don't I end up laying here trying to meditate and have positive thoughts so I wont be afraid to fall asleep but its like Im telling myself Im doing this so I won't have an attack which doesn't help since Im still thinking about the attack. Even writing this blog. It should help. Blogging should relax me and give me peace but instead I feel like Im just reminding myself of all the crap I worry about. Finding out I have been having seizures was such a relief at first since I got a name for it but now its just kind of discouraging because at least with anxiety I can kind of control those. Seizures are the ones that had been popping out of the blue and really freaking me out. Okay Im tired of typing.
  20. CagedBird

    where do i start

    By CagedBird,

    Sorry for blogging so much lately. I try to wait to give everyone time to see my previous post. I just did not know whether to post in the emotional subforum, physical subforum, or young adults again so I decided to just blog again. I don't like to talk to my friends about my problems all the time so blogging helps me.
     
    1. I feel like I am running out of time. When I was so consumed with getting my left hand back, I wasn't thinking about anxiety. I was so happy when I was in therapy and using my hand. Part of me wants to focus on that again. But part of me is afraid that thinking about using my left side again and seeing/feeling my body move will make me have a seizure or remind me of one. I say I feel like im running out of time because I think I will be kicked off my dad's insurance next July so I want to get the best treatment for my hand while i have my dad's insurance with my medicaid and Im not working so I have time to exercise.
     
    2. I want to go back to work. I need health insurance before I get kicked off my dad's plan when I turn 26 plus I want something to do during the day. But with this new diagnosis, comes new medications, changes in dosage, more therapy sessions, etc so I don't want a repeat of last year where I work hard to get a job and keep a job then have to quit because of job performance, appointments etc.
     
    3. I just don't know what to do. I know you guys try to tell me to get out and do things but its like Im damned if I do damned if I dont. PNES is a psychological condition that happens subconsciously so it does not care if I am quietly reading a book or having dinner at a restaurant with friends. Yesterday after I finished therapy and got groceries, my parents came over but I'd already had PNES at therapy then had another one while putting away groceries. Part of me wanted my parents to stay so I wouldn't be here alone but a bigger part of me felt overwhelmed tired and needed to just be alone in my normal environment. but another part of me was thinking no I've had an attack doing everything in this apartment. What am I going to do for the rest of the day after I kick them out? I had 13 attacks since Saturday.
     
    4. My therapist told me the psychiatrist will probably recommend an anti-depressant to help with the serotonin in my brain or something but Im scared. The only anti-depressant I tried was zoloft in 2012, it made me more depressed, and it seems like the seizures came back around that time. I know I gotta try something though because the clonazepam does not seem to be helping. I wont see my therapist and psychiatrist again until the 27 but Im sure I will be blogging again before then.
  21. CagedBird

    Finally got an answer!

    By CagedBird,

    I feel so much better right now. I was smiling as I walked out of the neurologist office. Well first as some of you may have read, I had been deeply depressed since I got my medical review papers from the DMV on Thursday. I have had 10 attacks (starting Saturday) since my therapist gave me the log to fill out on Friday. I was feeling so depressed and it rained for the past 3 days so I'd just been stuck in my apartment. It is like I wanted to feel happy and I was grateful for so much but at the same time I just felt hopeless and afraid that as soon as I felt content, another attack would come so I needed to stay down in the dumps to be ready for the attacks.
     
    Well yesterday was better. I had one attack while reading my Bible but I just called on Jesus and it immediately went away. I had another in the shower. It was so scary. I had my wash cloth in my hand so I could not grab my grab bar so I just... (wow I guess the memory just made me have another one as I was typing). Well I leaned on the wall and sad God please help me and it stopped. This made me feel so much better because a few months ago when I would pray or call on God, it didn't seem to help.
     
    Well the neurologist finally got my report from the EEG at UNC. Turns out I have been having psychogenic seizures (PNES)! That's why they feel so much like auras but never turn into seizures. It feels so good to finally know what it is so I can get some real treatment. I did some research and the side effects of epilepsy meds can actually make psychogenic seizures worse. This confirmed my decision to go ahead and ask my neurologist to put me back on the 500 mg of keppra twice a day, I'd been taking since 2001 and it also confirmed why I was having more psychogenic nonepileptic seizures and anxiety instead of real seizures since he increased me to 750 mg twice a day and especially when I was on the 1000 mg twice a day when I was living with my dad.
     
    Next steps
    I have to be careful since I still have epilepsy but Im confident that my mini pill is playing a big part in controlling the real seizures. I haven't had any since I started taking it again in March and Im going to see my gynecologist next Tuesday for my yearly so Im going to ask her to put me back on the name brand since my insurance switched me to the generic.
     
    Now that I know Im not just having anxiety attacks and panic attacks, I have to work with the psychiatrist to find out the underlying cause of the psychogenic seizures since it is a psychological condition. I will let you all know how therapy goes tomorrow.
  22. CagedBird

    what to do with life

    By CagedBird,

    I seen my therapist on Friday. She wants me to have a psychological evaluation. She also gave me some papers to log the attacks because she said it is not helping her by me just telling her verbally what happens. Silly me, I thought all those times she was writing in her notepad and typing on her laptop she was actually recording what I was saying.
     
    My dad is pretty much my caregiver I guess. He takes me to my appointments. I love my dad. Last week he started to cry as I started to cry when i was having the attack. I know that he loves me but he has been making me feel worse lately. On Friday, he told me I looked horrible. He told me to stop talking like a baby. (I was tired, depressed, and waiting to see my therapist.) Then when dropping me off back at my apartment he kept saying he sure hopes I don't end up like my mom (paranoid schizophrenic) because Im starting to act like her. I really didn't need that.
     
    I haven't been driving far lately. I met a nice guy who lives 5-10 minutes away. I had 2 attacks during our first date but he was cool with it. He actually thought I was some cool super hero type woman when I told him I have a titanium plate in my head. It sucked that I had the attacks around him but I was really happy that it did not scare him away. It was hard enough dating and waiting for the reaction to my physical disabilities, even harder explaining why I take anxiety/epilepsy meds, but I never had an attack (2 intense ones) my first time on a date with a guy so I was really embarrassed but he was really cool and gave me a big hug Definite opposite from the guys that was freaked out by my hand or limp then just ignored me after our first date.
     
    Anyway I was driving back from his house Saturday and started to have an attack while pulling into my neighborhood. The only times I've had attacks while driving is when in my parking lot. I think its an anxiety thing like I don't want to go back to this place all alone, what am I going to do when i get home, etc. So today I am not going to Vocational Rehab. My dad had to work and doesn't want me to drive. I kinda don't want to drive anymore and kinda don't want to work anymore. My dad thinks I have too much going on and need to just wait. That just makes me feel so defeated though. Sure I dont like the thought of driving to/from work everyday and possibility of attacks affecting my job performance and having to quit like my last job. BUT what do I do with my life? I can only lay on my couch watching netflix for so long. Im not an old woman who has lived my life and is ready to die. Im a young adult who was trying to start my adult life. I go see the neurologist Wednesday. If I cant work or drive, he or the psychiatrist is going to have to give me something to turn off my brain and numb this pain.
     
    Good news: On top of meeting my new friend the other day, I finally slept through the night last night for the first time in a week so I am hopeful today will be a better day and I wont think about suicide.
  23. CagedBird

    excuse me while i vent

    By CagedBird,

    I go see my therapist again today so it helps to blog to get my thoughts together before I go see her. I have a friend (actually my ex-boyfriend) who graduated college, worked for years, and drove a van modified just for him because he has muscular dystrophy. Well it is a disability that gets worse over time so eventually he got too weak to work, had to turn in his license, sell his van, and live at home with his parents. This is how I feel.
     
    I tried so hard to do everything I could to make sure I could have a successful life. I worked hard, studied hard, drove cautiously. But what was the point? I finally had my first full time job with benefits and had to quit because of the stroke. I was the valedictorian, did every extra curricular, community service every semester then worked every summer break for the federal government so why am I begging for a job? It just feels like every time I do my part to make progress, the stroke knocks me back down. I am going to Vocational Rehab on Monday for a job placement workshop and to get a counselor but I don't know if I even feel like working anymore.
     
    I have had an attack everyday since I last seen my therapist on Saturday. Sometimes I try to keep doing what Im doing until the feeling goes away, sometimes I have to stop and just stare until I feel back to normal, and sometimes I call for help because I just know Im about to have a seizure. How can I be productive at a job with this crap?
     
    Oh and the DMV medical review board finally sent my papers. I have to see my neurologist next Wednesday so I just don't even care anymore. Im sure once I tell him about the auras, dizziness, etc on top of the fact I haven't had a review since 2012 and have had numerous seizures and been in 2 accidents cause of my vision loss since then, there goes my license.
     
    I just wish I could live a normal life. Start a business without worrying about it failing because of my health, work without anxiety, drive without worrying about an accident. Date without having to explain my medical history. THINK, LIVE without wondering what's going to happen next every minute of the day. I cant even sit quietly anymore without freaking out. It's like I always have to have something to distract me so I wont think Im going to have an attack. I've always had the motivation not to let anything stop me from being successful but now I feel like every time I go one step forward, the stroke is there to bring me 2 steps back. So why even try
  24. CagedBird

    great week

    By CagedBird,

    I made it through the week. I finished my discipleship class last Wednesday so I was kind of worried about what I would do this week. This was my first week since moving here by myself with absolutely nothing planned, no church, no appointments, no therapy. I met with my pastor last Thursday for counseling. It went better than I expected. She assured me that it is okay to just rest and not pray for the same stuff over and over everyday. She assured me that everyone's relationship with God is different and I do not have to work for God's love and mercy. She actually challenged me to find 5 fun things to do that don't involve church.
     
    So Friday night I stepped out of my comfort zone and went bowling with my cousin. Her house and the bowling alley is pretty close so I was not too worried about driving home after taking my medicine. I came in last place but I still enjoyed just getting out and doing something different.
    Sunday instead of going to church, I went to visit my dad and he cooked me dinner. I took a walk around the neighborhood. I thought about so much. I used to walk around the neighborhood when I was depressed, when I just wanted to run away. But on Sunday I chose to walk around and meditate on how far I've come.
    Tuesday was my favorite day. I babysat my 5 year old niece for a couple hours. We played with barbies then walked to the park. I sat on a bench and talked to a stranger as I took pictures of my niece on the playground. When we got back to my apartment, we watched a movie until she fell asleep.
    Yesterday I tried to go see a movie but they were not playing anything good. I was still proud of myself for just being spontaneous and not being afraid to drive to the atm, the theatre, and back. My cousin wanted some krispy kreme doughnuts which is also 5 minutes from her house so after she got off work, I drove us there and we talked for a little bit.
     
    I thought I wasnt going to have anything to do this week but I ended up going somewhere everyday. I found another job opportunity. My church is hiring an administrative assistant and the pastor I talked to last week said that I could use her as a reference. The church closed at noon yesterday by the time I got there and is closed on Fridays but I definitely plan to turn in my application on Monday.
     
    Oh yeah I finally got my blood work back. Everything was normal but my doctor still wants me to have my heart checked. Tomorrow I see my therapist and I have nothing but great things to share with her My oldest brother's son is having a birthday party tomorrow (I have 10 nieces and nephews, so many birthdays!) so I might go to that. It feels so good to be sleeping good, living good, and not letting a couple seconds of dizziness a few times a week ruin my life. Im getting better
  25. CagedBird

    Trying to be content

    By CagedBird,

    I am giving another try at not speaking negatively. It is a process! I think I tried to only blog positive thoughts last month then I just kinda exploded one day I was so frustrated. Last week's sermon was on positive thinking but I am just trying to be content. Whenever I try to talk positive all the time and think positive, it makes me obsessed with the things I want and stresses me out when i speak positive then it does not happen.
    I think I associated contentment with acceptance and in the christian world, I felt like I was not supposed to do that. I was not supposed to allow the devil to let me be comfortable in whatever mess I was in or accept that Im going to be like this for the rest of my life. Jesus can heal me! Im supposed to have strong faith in God! Being content and accepting my situation is not exercising faith! Im going to bring that up at my pastoral counseling session on Thursday. I also felt depressed for so long it was like either Im depressed and dont care about anything or Im so happy because everything is going great in my life. Im trying to find that balance though.
     
    So last week I applied for a job I REALLY want but instead of praying everyday that I get the job and telling myself I got the job everyday, I just have been trying not to think about it. I did my part. I applied for it online. I even hand delivered my resume and cover letter and talked to one of the people assisting in the hiring in person. Sure, I have heard they are on a hiring freeze, I did not even get an interview for the last job I applied for there, and I heard they are cutting positions but Im not worried. I am content. I am headed to a job fair today to keep my options open. I can't find my briefcase with the strap on it so I am currently trying to figure out how to hold my portfolio and shake hands, and hand out copies of my resume. Wish me luck!
     
    I have decided to stop talking about the anxiety altogether. There are ridiculous thoughts that pop in my mind that I can't control but i try to pop them back out my mind. They are kind of like OCD. I think I have to do things a certain way to keep from having an attack from how I put my shoes on the floor to whether I take my shower cap off before or after I reach for my towel. Just ridiculous. Unfortunately my therapist cancelled our appointment on Friday and by the time I see her Im pretty sure I wont be able to remember everything.
    I no longer bring it up with my friends either. Sure I want to share when I wake up in the morning after sleeping through the entire night with no attacks and no waking up at crazy hours. I also want to share those wonderful days when I have no attacks at all. But it cant be that way. I have no control over when the attacks happen or even sometimes how I react to them but I can control whether or not I am going to vent and complain about it. So I've decided when I do actually get to talk to someone, Im just telling them about my day and leaving the attacks out of it. They frustrate me, they bother me, but there's nothing anyone can do about it so no point in talking about it that only makes it worse and makes me think about it more.
     
    I had an amazing weekend. Friday I went out for frozen yogurt with my women's group from church,. Saturday we went to an open-mic event at a church then we went out to dinner. Sunday I went to my nephew's birthday party. It was nice because my mom was able to come and was getting around on the old cane I used after my stroke. (In case you guys dont remember, my mom got in a bad car accident last month on the day of my other nephew's birthday party.) It was also nice because I finally got to sit and talk to my best friend (my cousin). Between her working and her new boyfriend, she has not had much time for me so it was nice to have her undivided attention in person.