CagedBird

Stroke Survivor - female
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  1. CagedBird

    doing good

    By CagedBird,

    I just wanted to let you guys know I am doing good. Still waiting on my blood work results but I decided to tackle the anxiety. My colonoscopy follow up went well. I had a polyp removed and have to go back in 2 months. Seeing my therapist on Friday was very good because I felt good. The last time I blogged, I was having a horrible day. Since then, I decided to just "let go and let God" as they say. I mean I was so focused on keeping my mind on God and busying myself with reading, praying, listening to sermons. But my time with God began to turn into anxiety. Everyone from church kept telling me to just stay focused on God and He would protect me from the attacks. But there was no balance. From the time I woke up in the morning until the time I went to bed my whole day was filled with thinking about God but the anxiety made it worse. If I went a day without an attack I would thank God but then pray that I wouldn't have one that night then pray that I wouldn't have one the following day. I could hardly think of anything else.
     
    Every time I was in church I was either thanking God and believing in faith that I would have no more attacks or going up for prayer and deliverance from the attacks. It reminded me of when I used to pray that God would heal me from the effects of the stroke and depression. I prayed so much, it consumed me so much that I just wanted it so bad and it was all I could think of so when God didn't answer my prayers I began to hate Him and just feel despair.
     
    So before it got to that level I just made the decision to not think about anxiety, not pray about anxiety, nothing. I still read my Bible daily and I give thanks and pray for others but it has helped me immensely to not think about anxiety. My sleeping has gotten better and the attacks have felt more like anxiety than panic. Only about 2 came completely out of the blue. The other 3 were either brought on by me thinking about it or talking about it. I did not have any at all on Thursday, Friday, or Sunday.
     
    It has been a process trying to figure out what to do throughout my day and just relax without worrying about the devil attacking my mind but I know I will be working soon and will have that work/social/spiritual life balance that I have been missing
  2. CagedBird
    I just dont understand. On Friday, I had 2 attacks but I tried to brush them off. I was so grateful when I slept peacefully the entire weekend. On Saturday the group leader of one of my church groups offered to give me a ride so I was able to go to girl's night after all. We had dinner then went to open mic poetry night. I had an attack at the poetry night but I guess no one noticed. It didn't bother me too much because even though I got home late, I slept good and I was just happy I got out and about.
     
    Sunday was even better. After a peaceful night's rest, my dad drove me to church. I usually go to the first service but because of the weather my dad took me to the 2nd service. The pastor changed the service because he felt like someone in church needed a miracle so he did an altar call. I was so glad to be in that service. I got prayer and I felt so good. I had no attacks at all that day and woke up with a smile on my face yesterday morning.
     
    Yesterday was going great until the afternoon. I had an attack but tried to keep believing that I had received my miracle and was healed. Then I had another attack about 2 hours later. For some reason last night I could not sleep. I was not sleepy then I had 2 attacks as I was trying to fall asleep. I decided to just text my bestfriend and mess with my phone until I got sleepy but by this time it was 12am and I had ANOTHER attack. Luckily I was sleepy so I finally fell asleep.
     
    I woke up having ANOTHER attack so I just laid there because I didnt know what to do. I finally decided to look at the clock thinking it was morning but it was 2:15 a.m! I knew if I fell back asleep I would probably just have more attacks so I just never went back to sleep. I cant count how many attacks I have had today. I lost count. I went to the doctor this morning and told him everything. He thinks its anxiety but it just doesnt make sense. How can I have an anxiety attack in my sleep? Its like my clonazepam is no longer effective. It doesnt help me fall asleep anymore and the attacks have gotten worse when they do happen. He is going to look at my blood electrolytes glucose, etc so I am hoping he will find something we can fix because this whole "anxiety" diagnosis just does not make sense to me. He also wants me to get my heart checked.
     
    Everything was going so good. I was trying to wait to blog but since I have my follow up on my colonoscopy tomorrow I wanted to blog while I could at least remember something positive (my weekend). My day has been rotten. The nightmares, the lack of sleep, the constant confusing frustrating dizzy spells. This reminds me of when I was depressed. I would just stay depressed because it was easier to stay in the state of depression and bad things felt natural versus feeling happy and hopeful only for horrible things to happen out of the blue.
  3. CagedBird
    The colonoscopy went well because I did not have any seizures or panic attacks. The bad part is they did not heavily sedate me so I was awake the whole time feeling everything and it hurt! The surgeon removed a polyp and he said I have colitis. I guess I will find out more when I follow up next week.
     
    I am glad to be back to my apartment. I had one anxiety attack on Wednesday when I initially got to my dad's house but Wednesday night and last night were pretty scary. It was like a repeat of Sunday night. I kept waking up every few hours with my heart racing and scared. Sometimes I would be yelling for my dad, sometimes I would be yelling out "No!", and sometimes I was just laying there shaking thinking please help me God.
     
    Today did not start out any better. Yesterday I took a nap after the procedure but I jumped up yelling for my dad because it felt like I was going to have a seizure. I figured it was just the sedation or pain medicine wearing off but since I experienced the same thing all night, I was frustrated when it happened again today. Earlier I was in the kitchen with my dad and started to feel weird so I went to my room to sit down and calm myself down but once again I felt I was going to have a seizure. I called for my dad. I was really dizzy. I asked him if I was okay. He just stood there until I felt normal. A few hours later I was reading a book and it happened again so I called my dad out of breath scared to death that I was about to have a seizure. By the time he got home I was fine.
     
    Now I am back in my apartment. I felt like being at my dad's house reminded me too much of the seizures. I think Im going to start taking a multivitamin. Drinking a soda and eating a snack cake sure didnt stop me from freaking out earlier. I don't eat a lot of fast food but I mostly eat a lot of frozen or boxed meals so maybe it is my diet. I dont know.
     
    I have no plans this weekend anymore. I was supposed to be going out to dinner and open mic poetry night with some girlfriends but the girl I ride with cant go and its not safe for me to do all of that driving especially after it gets dark. Im trying not to get discouraged. It would be nice if I could just live my life without having weird random brain attacks. Sometimes I feel scared to even do things because the attacks seem to happen when Im enjoying myself or when Im just doing something passive and least expect it. Okay enough complaining
  4. CagedBird
    Yesterday was a repeat of Friday. No attacks at all awake and asleep! Thank God I got a break. I noticed yesterday I did not drink any water. I only drank soda. I started to wonder if maybe my blood sugar is low. Before I found out I had AVM, when I was a kid my doctor thought I was hypoglycemic. I looked up the symptoms of hypoglycemia and I have every single one of them: (confusion, dizziness, headaches, feeling shaky, irritability, pounding heart, racing pulse, trembling, anxiety).
     
    I hardly eat a lot of sugars. I only drink water. After I became a vegetarian 2 years ago, not only did I stop eating meat but I also stopped eating a lot of sweets. Since I was eating vegetables a lot, I didn't really desire dessert and I stopped drinking sodas. The main beverages I have in my refrigerator now are bottles of water. I rarely drink my sprites (which is the only soda I drink) and I dont buy juice. After I moved back home and started having more seizures I actually became afraid to eat sweets because i didnt want them to make me feel all jittery and since I had not drank sodas for so long I was afraid the caffeine from a coke or cup of coffee would be too much.
     
    I do believe I was having panic attacks during the times I was having seizures but since I no longer have seizures, it just doesnt make sense to me to explain these random fits as panic attacks. My hematologist did not check my blood sugar when I went a few months ago. I had my blood sugar checked when I seen the doctor in Charlotte but so much has changed since then. My cousin just found out she is pregnant and was also diagnosed with hypoglycemia. I read that an imbalance in hormones can cause hypoglycemia and as you all know I have been on hormones (birth control) which has stopped the seizures. I was right about the birth control helping my seizures. Hopefully I am right about this and can finally get some effective treatment.
     
    I havent eaten anything since Monday evening and I cannot eat anything until Thursday afternoon after my colonoscopy. I pray that everything goes well. I pray that I dont have a seizure from the anesthesia. and i pray that I dont have anymore attacks from anxiety about the whole ordeal and I pray I dont react badly at all. Im going to continue staying at my dad's house the next few days so I wont be alone in case anything happens. I will update you guys.
  5. CagedBird
    Lastnight I remember I had a dream I used my weak hand to peel a banana and as I was telling my dad about it I started to wiggle my index finger for the first time. It was a wonderful dream. Unfortunately I did not have good sleep. I said i was going to be positive so I did not blog yesterday when I felt like I just wanted to die.
     
    On Wednesday, I had more panic attacks than I can count. I couldnt even think straight. I even had one sitting in class at church, But I was still thankful that night because I made it to church and back home safe and did not have a panic attack trying to get in my apartment like the Wednesday before. Friday was amazing because it was the first weekday I can remember in 2 months that I did not have any anxiety or panic attacks. I did some of the very same things I've done before on Fridays and went to the same places I've had attacks at before. So when I got ready for bed I was just so thankful I got a break. I used to keep track of the days i had attacks but since they started happening so much I just started to keep track of days I don't have attacks.
     
    I have been praying so much and giving thanks so much so I really believed Friday was going to be the beginning of no more attacks. Unfortunately yesterday (Sunday) was a repeat of Wednesday. I had more attacks than I can remember including one in church except there was no happy ending. I had them all night too. Its like I would sleep for a little bit then wake up shaking, heart beating fast, and I cant breathe. This happened all night.
     
    I go see my therapist today which is very much needed. My bestfriend got a new boyfriend so she doesnt talk to me much anymore and when I do call her she is busy so I feel like Im bothering her. My new friends are great but since I dont know them that well, I don't want to run them away always going to them when I need them. I try to share good news with them but since one friend is like my mentor and the other is a vocational rehabilitation counselor, I just dont want to get on their nerves because it feels like my bad outweighs the good and I know they have problems of their own to deal with. Im going to call my church and see if I can get on the list for pastoral counseling.
     
    I just try so hard I mean really hard. I spend at least an hour in prayer every morning thinking about everything Im thankful for and praying for my friends and family. I watch Joyce Meyer every morning. Im currently reading her book "Enjoying Where You Are on the Way to Where You're Going" so I wont feel so worthless about being unemployed, not in school, and alone while my friends are busy. I read the Bible everyday. People come to me with their problems and I always have an encouraging word for them. But I just feel so weak. Im tired of suffering. I know people have it worse than me and I have a lot to be thankful for. Just the other day I was thanking God for the purpose in my pain as I used my life experiences to encourage a friend. But right now Im just tired of the mental torment. They're like mini seizures without the jerking and blackout. I just dont want to live anymore but I dont want to die.
  6. CagedBird

    i had a dream

    By CagedBird,

    This morning as I was exercising, I remembered I had a dream last night that I could straighten my hand. I don't know if I was dreaming or awake but I remember I kept straightening my wrist using my good hand in my sleep. I also remember one time I think my thumb had got caught in my shirt (i usually sleep with my elbows bent and fist close to my chest) so I had to straighten out my thumb so my hand could be free from my shirt. Me straightening my wrist in my sleep might have been a real thing. It seems like my wrist just kept hurting lastnight.
     
    However, in my dream I remember I had used my good hand to straighten the fingers on my weak hand. In real life when I do this my fingers curl back up after I let go but in the dream they stayed straight. I was so excited so I tried to straighten my wrist without using my good hand hand I did it! It was completely straight so i thought well let me see if I can straighten my fingers while my wrist is straight and I did it! I reached out with my arm and just as if I was reaching for the sky, my elbow wrist and fingers were all straight. It was a great dream.
     
    I really want to do the serial casting to loosen everything but I dont know anyone around here that does it. Blewis from here told me about it and it got rid of his "chicken wing arm". Im still doing my exercises twice a day from OT but its mostly just straightening my arm. I feel like if I can find someone that does the serial casting and get some new electrodes for my e-stim, I will be able to do what I did in my dream starting with practicing using the e-stim first.
  7. CagedBird

    life changing

    By CagedBird,

    I could blog about how I stayed gone majority of the day yesterday and still had 3 panic attacks so Im just doomed. I could be pessimistic about the psychiatrist prescribing me to another therapist but Im trying this new thing where Im not complaining! Sometimes I do need to just vent but I notice I tell everyone everything Im going through far too much and unless Im telling them for the purpose of them praying for me then otherwise Im just complaining.
     
    SO today I spent the entire day in the house just like last Tuesday. Had an attack but thanked God until it ended. My phone only rang twice today but I was so focused on what I was doing that I only called back one person. I didnt feel like I just NEEDED someone to talk to. The last time I washed dishes on Friday I had a panic attack but today I washed them with confidence and just sang songs of worship in my head. I didn't even force myself to sit on my couch and watch any movies today to make time go by and I still enjoyed my day.
     
    Yesterday I was totally against more therapy because the last therapist didnt cure the panic attacks. But my new therapist made me hopeful. My assignment this week is to make 2 short term goals and 1 long term goal. We are not going to focus on panic attacks so yay I wont have to keep track and bring up every attack each time I go to therapy. I think I want to work on fear. I have so many fears and anxieties. My last therapist pretty much gave me techniques for helping me get through the attacks and suggestions for me to get out of my apartment during the week BUT I realize my circumstances don't trigger the attacks. Majority of the time they are random and what I really need to work on is minimizing the intensity of them and my fears in general. So Im optimistic about therapy.
     
    This morning I practically started writing a book. I finally discovered my purpose. The more I go through, the more I can encourage others and God obviously gave me this story to encourage others. Yesterday I visited my mom and my friend who has lupus. My mom was still in intensive care and my friend was in the brain injury unit of the rehabilitation part of the hospital. I seen nurses and hospital workers that remembered me from 2001. It was so weird being on the other side. Im so used to being the one in the hospital not the visitor. My friend with lupus is learning to walk again with a walker and my mom just got moved to rehab today. She will have to learn to walk again as well since her accident fractured her hips and pelvis or whatever.
     
    I thought about the day I took 7 steps after my stroke. I didn't know I was going to walk that day. I couldn't see the end result. I was scared. I had to depend on other people to help me and encourage me and nothing was instant. I didn't just get out of the bed and walk. It took time. That's the way I learned to look at this season of my life right now. Yes I want the attacks to completely go away. Yes I want a job so I can be productive everyday. But instead of being so selfish and focusing just on me and the bad, yesterday was so humbling I learned to focus on the good in my situation.
    Friday night I was able to give advice to a girl who's friend was struggling with panic attacks. The girl herself couldn't relate but I could and she was really appreciative of my advice
    Instead of working any old job, Im attending a discipleship class called Discovering Who You Are which helped me discover my life gifts so I will have a passion for the next career I choose. (This also gets me out of my apartment and a chance to fellowship on Wednesday nights)
    My very good friend that I met from church who I spent my birthday with and leads the women's social group I'm in that meets once a month, not only lives in the neighborhood next to mine so gives me rides, but she is a vocational rehabilitation counselor so I can talk to her about any and everything!
    I have an awesome accountability partner from a group I am in called Pinky Promise. She prays with me and we talk every Thursday night. Because of this group I no longer get rejected by guys because Im not dating! When I lived with my dad and when I was in Charlotte I was always looking for guys and getting rejected. I just wanted to get out of my room and away from the depression. I just needed a outlet. But now I no longer do that because I have a great group of girlfriends that pray with me, give me support, and have social events once a month.

    I have grown so much and my circumstances have changed for the better a lot but I am learning to try to "be happy no matter what" and not let my circumstances affect my inner peace. Im not worried that Im experiencing early onset of my mom's mental condition. I go see the doctor tomorrow to schedule my 5 year colonoscopy but Im not worried that my mom gave me cancer or that the last time I had a seizure was the day I left that doctor's office. When I focus on the good, I have no time to worry about the bad. (My hematologist put me on Vitamin D last week so maybe that is having a good effect on my mood
  8. CagedBird

    the balancing act

    By CagedBird,

    The hard part about my week like I said in the last entry is that I have so much free time on weekdays and so much over excitement on weekends. If I could spend half my week days around other people and the other half just relaxing it would be better. Sadly, last week things got worse before they got better. I had another breakdown on Tuesday from so many attacks and my phone didnt ring all day so I felt like I was going crazy. On Wednesday, it got really bad. My dad came over and I felt weird and just started crying. I walked to my room telling him how I was so tired of sitting on my couch. I expressed my frustration that I get tired of doing the same things all day everyday but everytime I do something different, I feel weird! He calmed me down and I went to church.
     
    As I was sitting in the church parking lot I had another attack. I had to try not to cry. I am taking a discipleship class called Discovering Who You Are and one of my old co-workers is the instructor so she prayed for me. I felt so much better. I had to go back to church on Thursday to meet with a pastor before I take my new members class next Sunday. He also prayed with me. I believe that was the only day I did not have any attacks. I am excited about my discipleship class. After doing my homework, I found my purpose and what I am good at so I am excited about pursuing a career now
     
    My weekend was busy as always. I stayed gone all day Friday hanging with my dad then had my social group with my girls from church Friday night. Saturday was a little more rough. My dad took me to my nephew's birthday party so he could break the news to me that my mom had been in a bad accident. She had internal bleeding in her head, broken ribs, fractured pelvis and hips, and punctured lungs I think. I had a little breakdown but I was glad to be distracted by the birthday party. Had another breakdown when I went to the hospital to see my mom but I was just so thankful she was alive.
     
    I had another attack lastnight while saying my prayers and had 3 attacks today. Sometimes I can just continue what Im doing and try to stay calm. Other times I have to stop what Im doing and stare and try not to cry. Sometimes I have to talk out loud. Sometimes I dont want to hear my voice. Sometimes I have to sit down when Im standing. Sometimes I have to stand when Im sitting. I JUST WANT TO BE HEALED. I see the psychiatrist in the morning. I dont know what to tell him. Im afraid of getting too excited but I also have to try to make myself happy. Sometimes I think too much which probably brings on the attack but most of the time they just happen out the blue. It doesnt matter where Im at what Im doing or who Im around anymore
     
    By the way in response to your comments, I do have routines but its routine that makes things worse because Im doing the same stuff. I do go outside but I get afraid that an attack will happen while Im walking and wont have anyone to hold onto when I start to feel dizzy. I am working on overcoming fear but even when Im full of confidence and not even thinking negatively sometimes the attacks still come out the blue.
  9. CagedBird

    Weakdays

    By CagedBird,

    My entry title is not a typo. Its a double meaning. Weakdays=weekdays I already prayed 3 times this morning, read 2 daily devotionals from 2 different books I have, and read today's readings for 6 different devotional Bible reading plans I am doing on bible.com. I also watched Joyce Meyer this morning "Enjoying Everyday Life" at 6am so I can have some motivation to enjoy my day.
     
    So why do I still feel so blah? It's so hard to explain and its like nobody can understand me. Last night I thought I was about to have a seizure because I was so dizzy and at first I was just staring. I thought about how I had so many different types of seizures last year but when I did my EEG at UNC Chapel Hill, they only see me have the grand mal seizure and they said they didnt see any activity the other times I pressed the button so it was probably just panic attacks.
     
    Im very thankful that I have not had a seizure since March 19 but Im so tired of these "attacks." Its even harder to deal during the weekdays when Im sitting here by myself. My weekend was wonderful. My family threw a big fish fry/cookout on Friday night. It was so many people and so much noise. When my aunt turned on some lights it immediately made me feel weird like it was too much light so I looked away and felt okay. Then its like I started to think about what was happening and thats when I started to feel dizzy. I didn't want anyone to panic. My cousin is the only one who knows not to panic when I say I feel dizzy but for some reason I could not tell her. My aunt had started singing a song so I started to sing with her. I don't know how I sounded. I dont even remember hearing my voice. I just knew if I stopped singing, I wouldn't know what to do. Once we finished the chorus of the song, I told my cousin "I made it through another attack." She said "yeah I was wondering why you were singing like that but I just thought you really liked the song." So I made it through with a smile on my face even though my heart was beating so fast and I was scared. Everyone just complimented me on my singing skills.
     
    Saturday was another good day. I drove back to my aunt's house to get some leftovers then picked up my cousin to ride with me to go check on my mom. I visited her for a little bit then came back home. But when I got home as I was eating and watching a movie, it happened again. I thought about pausing the movie to just pray. (I couldnt understand what they were saying anyway because I felt so dizzy and scatter brained) but I pressed on and finished the movie.
     
    Yesterday I was feeling so good on my way to church a song came on the radio that I had not heard since my stroke and I just started to cry as I was driving. I was planning to make a blog about how Im just so thankful to be alive and I used to be so depressed because I thought I couldn't be happy until I got my left side back but now I see I can still have fun and my left side is the least of my worries. I was having such a good day until I had that attack lastnight. I made it through the night and got up this morning. I even tried to change my routine. Since I had an attack yesterday reading my Bible and I always read sitting on my couch for hours, I decided to just lay down for a little bit to take off the anxiety but nope, I still had another attack.
     
    I am trying so hard to be strong and stay busy so I wont have time to be afraid. I read the Bible, watch Joyce Meyer in the morning, read self help books, exercise, watch feel good movies throughout the day but sometimes I just feel so weak. My weekends are always so fun I dont have time to think about anxiety/seizures/panic attacks/whatever they are, but on the weekdays I have to try extra hard to stay busy and its discouraging when Im being my normal self trying to stay busy and not even think about negativity but the attacks still happen out of nowhere.
  10. CagedBird
    I dont really know what to say. just decided to blog. Ever since the day I opened the door knob, I have been doing it every morning I go to get my wash cloth to wash my face and sometimes in the evening to get my towel for the shower. I showed my dad and he was proud of me. I also have continued to do my exercises that stretch my arm. Still working on keeping the splint on the entire night without taking it off in my sleep. Im glad it doesn't hurt though. I used to could never fall asleep with it on because it hurted so bad to stretch my fingers and wrist but now I hardly notice its there. I guess the discomfort doesnt kick in until after I've been sleep and its been on for a few hours.
     
    I missed my last appointment with my therapist because I didnt have a ride and my car insurance company had just informed me that they took full coverage off of my policy since I wasnt an experienced driver yet (which I am now) so I didnt want to take the chance that day driving until I got the insurance straightened out. Im kind of glad though. I know it sounds crazy but I have actually had more success battling the attacks using christian techniques than I did using the techniques I read in the books I checked out from the library. All the deep breathing and things like that never seemed to work. but now telling myself scriptures, rebuking satan's attacks over my mind, and thanking God that the attack is going away soon really helps me. In my last entry I said I'd had 6 attacks the week before and they were big and scary (including 1 with my mom, 1 with my dad, and 1 with my friend) but last week I think I only had like 2 or 3 attacks that didnt last longer than a few seconds because I really had faith and confidence that it could not take my joy and it was ending soon instead of fear that it was getting worse and getting upset that it was happening again.
     
    I've been doing a lot of church things lately. I joined the singles ministry and a women's ministry at church so I've gone out with them to social events on weekends. I really am grateful that I have friends and I live close to everyone and I get invited to outings that I enjoy. I feel like depressed caged bird sometimes during the weekdays when I just sit here all day watching movies while everyone is at work so it definitely helps to "get out my cage" and socialize on weekends.
  11. CagedBird

    21 days

    By CagedBird,

    Thank you everyone for the belated birthday wishes! On June 1st I went to the altar at church and asked for prayer over fear anxiety and negative thoughts that I will end up paranoid schizophrenic like my mom. As we were praying, the lady holding my hand and praying with me prayed that the Lord would open my withered hand (like Jesus did for the man in the Bible). She told me to start practicing opening my weak hand.
     
    After that day I did e-stim a few times but I need new electrodes because the old ones are hardly sticky and my hand was opening some but my wrist was completely bent. So I decided to just exercise. I heard that if you do something for 21 days, it becomes a habit. So for the last 21 days I have done a few of my exercises from OT. I was doing exercises from PT also but when I took a break for a few days, I caught a bad cramp in the back of my left leg so I decided PT wasnt as important! The exercises I do are only 4 but they all stretch and move my arm. I have also been falling asleep every night with my splint on. I always wake up and take it off but Im glad I can at least fall asleep with it on now. Im hoping I can make it through the night soon without taking it off.
     
    Sometimes when I wake up and its not on my arm I will try to wear it during the day for 6-8 hours since thats the equivalent of me sleeping. I dont know why I can wear it all day when Im sitting here doing nothing but cant seem to leave it on while Im sleeping.
     
    I seen my therapist last week. She's actually moving to another clinic so when we meet this Thursday we will be discussing whether I want to stay at that clinic and start over with a new therapist or follow her and pay the copay to see her since she doesn't take medicaid. I already know I cant afford the copay and talking to her for 30 minutes sometimes does more harm than good since I have to remember all the attacks but there's nothing she can do to stop them. I had 6 last week but I am still just praying and trying to get on with my life. They are so random and nothing triggers them so I really do believe its the increase in keppra since anxiety can be a side effect. Now I just have to decide if I want to try going back to my old dosage of keppra when I was seizure free AND panic attack free but struggled with the depression
  12. CagedBird
    I was feeling really good. On Tuesday, I went to campus and checked on the status of my application for the job I applied for last week. I kind of did some networking and talked to some old faculty and staff that remembered me. That night when I said my prayers I felt so repetitive. Ever since I rededicated my life back to Christ a few weeks ago, I have been praying to God, reading my bible and devotionals. My closest new friends are women my age I met from church groups that mentor me so it was hard to try to run away from God when the main people I talk to and hang out with were always inviting me to "girl talks" and church functions for young single women.
     
    I have another journal where I write about my spiritual journey that's why I don't talk about it much on here anymore. But its kind of hard because on Tuesday night I did the same thing I always do, thank God for answering all of my prayers and that following morning I did the same thing. Im thankful for each day I don't have a panic attack, each night I dont have nightmares, Im even thankful for those few seconds when my brain doesn't get stuck in that R.E.M stage when falling asleep and first waking up.
     
    But for some reason yesterday I had 3 attacks. I did the same things I always do but they still happened. I don't understand. I don't know which one was more scary the one I had while sitting outside in the gazebo scared to try to walk back to my apartment but scared of being out there alone after no one answered my calls or the one I had when I was getting out of the shower and I couldnt figure out which way to turn the faucet to make the water go off or if I should sit on the toilet or try to walk back to my room to get my towel.
     
    Today I had 3 more. The scariest one was in the grocery store as I was shopping with my dad. I could not play it off because I felt like I was going to fall and I needed something to hold on to. He got scared and grabbed me but I old him dont look in my eyes and just act normal. He's so used to watching me have a seizure but his demeanor was scaring me even more. I wanted to just keep shopping but of course I had to stand there until I felt okay enough to keep walking.
     
    My therapist was booked last week and on vacation this week so I havent seen her in a while. I got really depressed yesterday after my shower incident. I was crying because I don't want to end up paranoid schizophrenic like my mom or with psychosis like my friend. She is 27 and her mom had psychosis. She is in the hospital but every time I talk to her I cry because we've been friends since before my stroke and Im not use to hearing her talk like that. It's aso a reminder that might be me one day. I dont want to sit in this apartment talking to myself or talking to God and end up like one of them.
     
    I talk to my mentor tonight but sometimes its hard talking to her because in her mind prayer changes everything and when I read the Bible it says God answers prayer. Religion just kind of confuses me because when I got prayed for last Sunday we prayed for all the fear, anxiety, depression, panic attacks, and thoughts that I have psychological problems to go away. I know Im going to have bad days I just dont understand how everything came back after I was doing so good last week. Even my techniques didnt work today. For some reason I pinched my nose I think because my throat was burning and it was hard to breathe through my mouth with the cold air making my throat burn more. Last night in the shower I told myself "it's not happening, Im okay, Im happy, God loves me, God healed me." yet I felt so confused and scared.
     
    I just want to feel how I felt on Sunday and Monday-happy. My birthday is in 2 days but I have been having some crazy mood changes. I hated sitting on my couch watching tv all day but now Im scared to sit in the gazebo and today with my dad was really scary because I had never had a panic attack in a public place around someone I know before. I really thought I was getting better trying to stay positive and hope for the best. Now I just dont know
  13. CagedBird
    I had an amazing birthday! Yesterday my friend from church Desiree, drove me to Charlotte. We stopped at my favorite restaurants and I even stopped at my old job and visited my favorite co-workers. The concert was awesome. It was called Rock the Park and it was christian music but kind of like for young people I guess like christian rap and christian pop/rock. It was really fun. I didn't have to pay for anything and I got lots of gifts (mostly cards lol) for my birthday. I didnt get home until like 12:30 in the morning so I was kind of stressed because I had already taken all of my medicine at 9:00 thinking I would just fall asleep in the car. But last night was the first time in a long time that I went to bed so late (around 2am) after waking up so early (around 4:30 am) and it was the first time that I did not take my klonapin right before going to sleep.
     
    Everything worked out great though. I slept good! Im very happy that even through all the excitement, flashbacks of memories, loud noise and flashing lights at the concert, I was still able to just enjoy myself and not worry about anything bad happening. Today I went to church and went to visit my dad. I took him to brunch and just spent the day with him. It was a great birthday and Father's Day.
     
    Tomorrow I finally get to see my therapist then my appointment with my neurologist is right afterward so I guess I will be updating soon. Its always so hard to explain to my therapist the good, the bad, how I've been feeling, and get her advice in a 30 minute session. but I will let you guys know how it goes with her and my neurologist
  14. CagedBird

    glad to be home

    By CagedBird,

    Now that I am seizure free again, I can see the good side of things. I had to talk to God and apologize for not being grateful for being seizure-free all those years. I spent so much time angry at Him for not answering my prayers for my left side and not enough time just being thankful that He was keeping the epilepsy under control. I am kind of glad this all happened. I only got 1 comment on my last entry so Im not sure how many people read it and I dont want to sound annoying repeating myself for those of you who did read it but I am so glad I have my apartment.
     
    I miss Charlotte. I miss the big city. I miss being a working class young professional. But I never thought I would say this but I am glad to be home again. Charlotte was not THAT great. I was lonely a lot. I didnt have any real friends. I got rejected and used by a lot of guys when I was desperate for friends. Here I still get lonely and sad sometimes but hardly. I stay so busy and I have family. Last week I did take myself to the movie. I enjoyed it. On Friday my dad came and cleaned up my apartment for me. (Its government housing so we have quarterly inspections). My dad took me out to lunch and I got a free doughnut from krispy kreme. That night my cousin (bestfriend) came over and we watched movies.
     
    Yesterday when I was in church, my other cousin texted me that my family was having a birthday party for my grandparents and asked if I wanted to ride with her so I went to her house. We went to get icecream while waiting for the party to start. It was nice being around my family again. My granddad's birthday was last Wednesday and my grandma's birthday is today but they put an extra candle on the cake and sang happy birthday to me too since mine is on the 14 (this Saturday.)
     
    Speaking of my birthday, I really wanted to go to a christian concert in Charlotte and my new friend from church who has been inviting me to everything said she would drive me because she wants to go to the concert too. I was so excited when our tickets came in the mail and so glad I have something fun to do and someone to hang out with on my birthday. I also just found out yesterday that she lives in the apartment complex right next to mine so I have a ride now to the church events she invites me to! That worked out so well.
     
    I had 2 panic attacks last week but I also can feel when its trying to happen and God helps it go away so instead of complaining about the few I had, I just give thanks for all those times when I get that weird feeling and it goes away. I have made progress. I dont call my cousin anymore. I dont freak out like I did when I stayed with my dad scared that I was about to have a seizure. Now I just try to continue doing whatever Im doing, breathe, pray, sometimes sit down if Im feeling dizzy, and tell myself it will be over soon.
  15. CagedBird
    I have about 20 minutes before my 9:00 bedtime so I decided to blog. a couple times last week I woke up while still dreaming and it caused me to have an attack. I woke up yesterday morning and forgot to do my meditation. I had done it the first time I woke up while I was dreaming but I fell back asleep and forgot to do it again when I woke up the 2nd time. I got up and went straight to doing laundry so I got overwhelmed and had an attack but I just breathed and it went away quickly. May was mental illness awareness month or something like that so I checked out some books at the library that were on display about managing anxiety and panic. Im learning a lot.
     
    Yesterday was so awesome. I got invited to a cokout at the park with the singles ministry at the church I visit. On my way there I stopped at the store and ran into my old Resident Advisor from my freshmen year of college. She told me to look into working there and to let her know if I need to use her for a reference or anything. The cookout itself was great. I did not bring my card holder for the card games but I did have fun playing checkers! I met so many nice people and new friends. After eating and fellowship, they started playing more active games like kick ball and corn hole. I came back home because I didn't want to overdo it.
     
    Today I went to church. I got prayed for at the altar. I asked the person praying for me to pray for the fear, anxiety, worry, etc. I really felt a release and I felt so good when I left there. I even ran into my old counselor from college on my way out the door and she told me to call her tomorrow. This evening my dad took me to visit my mom for a little bit then he gassed up my car as an early EARLY birthday present lol.
     
    Im so glad I moved here to this apartment. When I was staying with my dad not only was I having seizures, depressed, feeling worthless, etc but I stayed so far out that it wasnt safe for me to drive many places. Where I live now, Im close to the mall, restaurants, the movies, church, parks, the library. I mean its not in walking distance. Im just so thankful Im seizure free and can drive. Living in the city limits and not being afraid to drive has really made a difference in my life. I think Im going to go to the movies tomorrow. Its half off on Mondays and I think it will be nice to go by myself so I wont feel so dependent on other people to enjoy myself
  16. CagedBird

    last weekend

    By CagedBird,

    Well after all of my venting and complaining in my last blog, things got a lot better. The following night I talked to the girl from the small group for women at church. Then the following night I talked to my mentor and friend from my abstinent/celibacy group. It was just nice having people to talk to. This weekend was AMAZING. I did not want to sit at home. I wanted to go out and be around people. On Saturday I picked up my cousin and we went to the coffee shop then got lunch at the sandwich shop. That night I talked to a guy I'd met online until like 12am. It was so nice to not sit alone all day and night.
     
    On Sunday I drove to church. It was nice once again to be around other people but Sunday night was not so good. I kept wondering if I was going to have any attacks to record before I seen my therapist again on Tuesday. Well Sunday night right as I was making confirmations (praying) that I would have no more attacks, it happened. I tried to close my eyes and breathe but it felt too much like a seizure so I had to open my eyes. I was shaking but luckily it was only around 9:30 so I had people to talk to to help me calm down until I felt okay enough to fall back asleep.
     
    Monday was bittersweet. I woke up having an attack. Its like I woke up while I was still dreaming. I didnt want to get up that early but I was too afraid to keep my eyes closed so I got up. The guy I talked to over the phone Saturday night wanted to take me out to breakfast. I was really conflicted because part of me felt scared to drive after having 2 attacks. I was going to just tell him I couldnt go but as I was looking up directions to the restaurant I started to have ANOTHER attack and I knew I just had to get out the house. I had to get away from here. I drove safely and enjoyed breakfast.
     
    When I came home I wanted to go back out since it was Memorial Day so I went to pick up my cousin again. This time when we went to the coffee shop, I met a guy that started a conversation with me and invited me to his church. After we left the coffee shop, we came home and ate, then went to the park It was lot of families there cooking out on the grills and playing music, kids playing. It was so much fun to not be alone. I didnt want it to end.
     
    I was dreading taking my cousin back home but I was trying to stay calm. I kept telling myself I love my apartment. I need to rest. Everything will be okay. But as soon as I walked through my door the anxiety came and by the time I walked down the hall to my bedroom I was hyperventilating trying to call my cousin.
     
    Yesterday I told my therapist about everything. I was concerned that I was avoiding my apartment so much but she said its good avoidance since Im avoiding isolating myself. After my appointment I'd dropped my phone in my dad's truck on accident so I drove to his house to get it. While waiting for traffic to die down I visited my friend I'd went out to breakfast with the day before. Right now Im watching Andy Griffith with my mom and tomorrow Im supposed to be going to lunch with one of my friends from middle school before she goes off to medical school. If I can just stay busy around other people, Im happy: no worries, no fear, no anxiety. I just have to work on being okay alone too. I dont want my entire apartment to turn into my bedroom at my dad's house. I cant keep running from my fears
  17. CagedBird
    I will try not to ramble. I just decided to blog because I feel really depressed and alone right now. I had a few more attacks since my last entry but I just breathed slowly and played it off like it wasnt happening. I usually stop what Im doing and start freaking out if the breathing and talking myself down doesnt seem to be working. but lately the breathing and continuing whatever Im doing at the time seems to be helping.
     
    I went to therapy yesterday. Its hard to really talk about therapy because I only get 30 minutes. I was given a evaluation I have to bring back next week with questions about how many panic attacks I had and what I did before and after them during the past week. I hope I dont have any at all! Lastnight it was really hard for me to go to sleep. Yesterday made it 2 months that I have been seizure free (with the exception of the EEG seizures). Im so glad the hormone is really working for me..
     
    but it was really hard for me to go to sleep. My mind kept racing. My therapist told me to think of some activities I could do to keep my mind busy but my issue isnt bussiness. My issue is loneliness. I go for walks. I sit in the gazebo and watch the kids play. I called the community college to see what classes they offer this summer. I called the YMCA to see if they have any groups I can participate in. I called a girl I met at a singles conference to see if I can meet friends through her small group at church. Today my dad took me to the library.
     
    I find things to do but Im just so tired of going to bed at 9:00 every night and waking up at 5:30 every morning. For what? I call people all day but no one answers because they're at work. I want a boyfriend but the guys I've met online since I moved back here meet me once or twice then ignore me. The ones that do keep in touch dont text often and dont call at all.
     
    I am very grateful for all I have and all I've accomplished but sometimes I just feel like such a loser. I feel like all my hard work was for nothing. I feel like I will never find love. I feel friendless and alone. I was looking at an old profile from a social network when I was in 10th grade and under "dreams" I had typed "to be a successful criminologist with 3 kids and a husband". I will be 25 next month and I just feel like a failure. Im thankful I have family here to hang out with but when I was in Charlotte I had co-workers and meet up groups. I was always doing new things and meeting new people. Here no matter what I just feel so alone when Im not hanging out with my family.
     
    Disclaimer: Im okay with spending time with myself. I love living by myself being independent I just need someone to talk to sometimes so when Im already lonely I feel more depressed when no one texts back or calls back.
  18. CagedBird
    This week went pretty good. I did some grocery shopping and went to the library with my dad again on Monday. Monday night I believe I had a panic attack. I was laying in bed on the computer and I started to get agitated. I didnt want to be on the computer, didnt want to call my cousin, and it was too late to start a movie. Then it happened. I started to feel really dizzy, I got kinda nauseous and since this was the first time since I moved here that it happened while laying in bed, I thought I could be having a seizure so called my cousin. I talked to her until I calmed down.
     
    It sucks that Im still afraid to lay in my bed. The only time I lay down now is when Im falling asleep. If I lay down any other time my left arm starts feeling weird and I get scared that its going to start jerking like a seizure. On Monday night I was laying on my left side to hold my arm down while on the computer like I am now when the attack happened. I dont know how I did this everyday when I lived with my dad. I get tired of sitting on my couch all day but sometimes I wish I could just lay down and talk on the phone or watch tv with no fear or weird feelings.
     
    Im too smart
    On Wednesday I had to go get a psychological evaluation requested by my therapist. It was not what I expected. I told the psychologist my life story and he doen't even see the point in me having a real evaluation test. He says they could test me but he doesn't think it would be conclusive with what he and I talked about. With all I've been through, he said its normal for me to feel the way I do and he would probably be worser off than me if he was in my shoes. I asked him about the anxiety, irrational fear, and panic attacks. His conclusion was "you're just too damn smart." He said people with high IQs think a lot so thats why I have the fear and anxiety. His only suggestion to me was to go back to school to be a psychologist so I can think about other peoples' problems instead of my own (like he did) since I am so smart and intelligent. Im not sure if this is good or bad. I kinda wanted a diagnosis so I could get treatment. But I guess there is nothing psychologically wrong with me.
     
    EEG follow up
    My follow up at Chapel Hill yesterday went as I expected. They screwed up my brain 12 years ago so I will be on seizure medicine for the rest of my life because of the scarred tissue. I was right about the birth control. Progestin helps me and my medications seem to be helping so continue my medicine. I did learn 1 new thing. A side effect of keppra is anxiety. So the increase in keppra may explain the increase in anxiety attacks. I was thinking about going back to my old dosage but I was so depressed before. I dont know which is worse being depressed for no reason or having random dizzy spells (panic attacks). Im just glad I dont have the seizures.
     
    panic attacks
    I had another quick panic attack before I went to chapel hill. My dad was here and it was dark and he was sitting on my couch. I started to feel like I was dreaming because it was such a different experience. I told him he was making me feel weird so I went to the bathroom and plopped on the toilet trying not to fall I was so dizzy but once I finished peeing it was over. He didnt even know it happened. I was talking to him the whole time saying "Don't come back here, Im peeing." (because I didnt have time to shut the door). I am glad the attacks dont last long and I believe they will go away
  19. CagedBird
    This was a pretty good week for me. I told myself on Sunday that this was going to be an awesome week and that I was not going to have any attacks. I proved myself right On Monday my dad took me to pay my light bill, to the library, and to get some groceries. I guess moving back to my hometown does have its advantages (don't have to wait for the bus, save gas having my dad chauffeur me lol).
     
    On Tuesday I guess my dad was bored so he popped up and we went out to lunch together. It wasn't anything fancy but it was nice to take a break from the couch and be out around other people.
     
    Wednesday was a little less exciting. I actually started to cry because I felt so lonely and bored. I had watched movies, read books, went for walks, and looked at things on the computer but I just wanted someone to talk to. There is a handicap unit in every building in my apartment complex so I asked my property manager if she would help me meet some neighbors that just sit at home all day like me. She said she would walk me around one day to chat with some nice tenants she knows of.
     
    Thursday was probably my favorite day. My mom came over and we watched a movie, then I took her to lunch until my appointment started. (She drove my car). I talked to my therapist! Initially my appointment was scheduled for May 20 because my therapist was booked but since I was on the waiting list, they called me when she had a cancellation. It went well. After my appointment we went to the library and my mom got a new library card. I felt so smart showing her how to use the self check-out machine. We actually ran into a lady we used to go to church with who works at the library and she encouraged me to apply for a part time position. I explained my driving situation to her but I might look into volunteering. After the library I took my mom to see Son of God because she really wanted to see it. It was nice. I came home and sat in the gazebo talking to my mentor until it started to get dark then I came in and slept good!
     
    Friday I stayed in the house all day. I did not want to overdo it. But today was good. My dad picked me up for my hair appointment then we went to wal mart to buy some things that I used to have that he lost when he moved my stuff. He also bought me a chair and small table so I can sit on my patio now when I dont feel like walking to the gazebo. I spent the rest of the afternoon with my cousin (best friend) just talking and listening to music. When it was time for me to drive her home, we got worried because the road was blocked off. But I successfully made a detour and dropped her off. To get back to my apartment I remembered a road my dad used to make me take when I would drive home from college and only had my permit. I took my detour and made it home safe!
     
    This week was perfect. Sorry my blog entries are so lengthy. Im just so happy Im not suffering anymore. Its so easy to remember the bad and so hard to remember the good so I want to make sure I have entries I can look back on and see how far I've come from depression, suffering from seizures, thinking my life was over because I couldnt drive work and was stuck at home, etc). I am so thankful
  20. CagedBird
    The night after I wrote my last entry, I had a panic attack after I got out the shower. The water was dripping after I shut the shower off and I started to think I hope that repetitive sound doesn't make me dizzy. I tried to ignore it and continue drying off but I started to feel dizzy so I sat on the toilet and called my cousin. When she answered I could hardly breathe. I felt like I was twitching and I was so scared. When I felt okay, I walked back to my room. I was still shaking but I fell asleep that night with no problems.
     
    The following morning I woke up and was getting dressed. I started to think about the night before and it happened again. I felt so dizzy. I called my cousin and she talked to me until I calmed down. That day, I tried to do other things. I went for a walk twice, I sat in the gazebo, sat in my car, read some books, and paid my bills online. While I was online I started to get really scared and agitated. It was people talking outside in the parking lot and I remember saying "please stop talking". I felt so dizzy. But it went away. I didn't start twitching or really shaking that time.
     
    Its really annoying getting the attacks. Last week I had none at all. This week I had 5. Its like once I had the first one this week that made me fearful of having another one which probably made it easier for them to come on especially since I sit here by myself all day.
     
    Today was a better day. My cousin and I went walking and talking in the park again. I have been very positive since I moved here. Sometimes it feels like if it isn't one thing its another. God took away the depression and brought back the seizures. Then he took away the seizures and gave me panic attacks. I think Im handling things well. I give thanks everyday and I always tell myself I cant let an attack that lasted a few seconds ruin my entire day. If anything Im glad I dont have to worry about seizures anymore. I still just wish I did not feel the fear. Its like Im happy but Im scared even though I tell myself everything is good and I have nothing to worry about.
     
    I am definitely going to look into gardening this week. I cannot sit on this couch and watch movies anymore. I need a detox from the tv. My therapist suggested volunteering. I just don't want to commit to an organization until I know how my transportation is going to be. Really I think living here would be so much easier if I just had someone to talk to during the day and come visit during the week. All the word searches and jigsaw puzzles in the world cant replace having someone to take my mind off my thoughts for a little while.
  21. CagedBird
    This week has been kind of rough because of the weather. I went outside to throw away my pizza box on Monday but as soon as I sat in the gazebo to call my friend, it started to rain. Tuesday was horrible. It was thundering and lightening from about 2 in the afternoon until I got in bed at 9. I started to feel so depressed. I was afraid to cook since the lights kept flickering and my netflix was messing up on tv so I was sitting here hungry and bored thinking about how sad and lonely I felt. It was very depressing. Im glad I could at least text my cousin to get my thoughts out.
     
    When I moved to Charlotte I believe I read this book called the Secret. I liked the idea of positive thinking and making affirmations. Everything was perfect. I got my job at the library, my car, and I was feeling pretty good once I got off the zoloft. BUT I do not like the law of attraction that you attract everything you think of even if its a negative thought. This means that even though Im thinking "I don't want to have a seizure", I will still have a seizure because Im attracting it. Well yesterday I decided to give "the Secret" another chance and watch the documentary. And sure enough as I was watching it I started to have another panic attack. I talked to myself, paused the tv, and tried to breathe but the panic attack did not end until I called my cousin and got her voicemail just like on Sunday.
     
    I saw my therapist yesterday. It sucks because she wants me to come back in a week but her schedule is booked for the next 3 weeks. Hopefully they will call if someone cancels. I wrote down all of my fears so I could get her opinion on them. I feel like I spent so much time talking that I didn't really get any good advice. I told her to interrupt me more next time!
     
    I feel so bad when I complain. I feel like I've complained all my life about being depressed and disabled and now Im finally not depressed and I still complain. Lastnight I was even thinking of all the good things that have come from me having the stroke. Who knows where I would be if I had not gone through all of that. I am sure I would not have accomplished so much and sure I would not be sitting here doing whatever I want in my own place during a workday with no kids or husband. I have so much to be grateful for and I make positive affirmations all the time.
     
    Today I tried to switch it up a bit. I cooked and did my exercises from OT and PT while listening to an audiobook on how to overcome depression, anxiety, and compulsiveness. It helped a lot to get up and moving. I want to make a habit of exercising daily. I think its going to rain again so I will probably do another exercise session later. Im thinking about starting a garden (which my bestfriend suggested). I cant wait to go for a walk in the park with her again this Saturday.
  22. CagedBird

    all by myself

    By CagedBird,

    Thank you guys for the comments and compliments. This was a very long drawn out week. When I wrote my last entry I was on top of the world but now my high has come down Each day I have been watching movies, reading, and writing. Yesterday was fun. Since my cousin only lives 5 minutes away I went to get her and she came over. We went to the park across the street. It was so nice to get out of the house and be around someone else. It was scary driving since I have not drove in over a month but Im glad I stayed safe. After I took her home, my mentor picked me up and we went to a bible study group. That was nice being around other people. I feel like I have been sitting on this couch all week.
     
    My dad has been over here like everyday except this weekend. The night after I wrote my last entry, he came over here at 10:30 at night. He was upset because he had been calling me and I was not answering. I get in bed at 9:00 after I take my medicine and I put my phone on silent because I am a light sleeper and a lot of people I know don't go to bed at 9:00 lol so their texts and calls would wake me up. My dad has a key to my apartment so when I heard him banging on my bedroom door in my sleep I thought something was wrong. I guess he was just worried.
     
    Today I had my first major panic attack since I've been here. I felt weird a few times last week but it only lasted a couple seconds and it was usually just after I'd been staring at the tv for too long. This morning I was in my room finishing up on my computer and I started to feel "twitchy." I walked into my living room and I kept telling myself I was okay but it wasn't working. I was so dizzy and scared. I was reminded of the seizures so I called my best friend (my cousin) to take my mind off it. She did not answer but by the time I hung up, I felt okay. I didn't want to call my dad because I felt like it was just a panic attack.
     
    I know my therapist said that meditation does not work overnight but I was kind of disappointed. I have been meditating everyday for 20 minutes and doing the progressive muscle relaxation yet I still feel scared. Every night I force myself to go to bed at 9:00 because Im scared I won't be able to fall asleep once the medicine wears off. Im scared to lay in my bed because it reminds me of the seizures and my left arm always starts to feel weird (like it might start jerking like a seizure) as soon as I lay down.
     
    Im glad I have my own place. Everyday I dont have a seizure or panic attack I give thanks, every morning I wake up without a seizure or panic attack that night I give thanks. I am so glad to be out of my bedroom at my dad's house. I just wish I did not have to live in fear. As much as I tell myself I dont have seizures anymore, Im still scared. The panic attacks happen when Im the most relaxed and calm not even thinking about them. I try to switch from a movie to a book to the computer but I still get scared when I realize I've just been staring at screens all day. I am an introvert so I don't mind being alone and doing things by myself. I've been going for a walk everyday but when Im alone all day I still just feel trapped in my thoughts like I have too much time to think
  23. CagedBird
    You guys
    I have not been this happy in a long time! As I said in my last entry, I finally moved into my apartment and spent my first night on Saturday. I love it and I included a couple pics. (I did not take pics of every part of the apartment or the outside [laudry room, pantries, closets, etc.) I was worried I would have a panic attack being here by myself but nope I have felt pretty good. I was also worried about sitting staring at the walls or just being on the computer all day and getting lonely like at home but nope, I haven't even had time to be on the computer. I can't afford cable so I bought an antenna for the tv in my bedroom and I get about 20 free local channels (which I haven't had time to watch.) I also bought a roku for the tv in my living room and signed up for netflix (which I also have not had time to watch yet!) Over the weekend my dad took me grocery shopping and my mom help me re-fold and put away my clothes and re-wash my dishes. Right now it is 3am. I haven't got much sleep since I've been here. I don't know if its from noisy neighbors, different environment, change in temperature, or my allergies. but its NOT from seizures or nightmares so Im not complaining!
     


    a snapshot of part of my bathroom. plenty of rails to hold on to in the shower


    i have 2 walk in closets in my room but my dad wanted my bed against the wall so we blocked one closet


    another part of my room


    another part of my room


    i have a door in the living room that leads to a patio


    another couch in the living room


    tv in the living room


    my wall of achievement in my spare bedroom (the office/guest room). Im still unpacking.


    snap shot of my kitchen
     
    I have been meditating and doing the progressive muscle relaxation Jamie recommended daily. I also seen my therapist again yesterday and I see her again next week. Saturday made it a full month that I have been seizure free with the exception of the ones induced for the EEG. I don't know if its the meditation, therapy, no more seizures, or being independent again but I feel on top of the world. I am so happy and I've felt happy for so many days that Im not scared anymore. Im working with my therapist on how to keep from going from extremely happy to extremely depressed when something bad happens and this weekend Im going to a Bible study group where we will be talking about how to deal with life's interruptions and keep your faith even when things don't seem to be going your way. Hopefully I can store up all of this good wisdom and remember to use it when my happiness high comes down.
     
    I don't even care that I don't work right now. I've always strived to be successful. While unpacking my boxes I found certificates and accomplishments from elementary school until now. I realized Im always striving to do more and be more but I have already succeeded in every area of my educational, professional, and financial life. I found a whole bag of old splints, exercises, weights, stress balls, and my e-stim tens unit so I plan to add exercising to my daily list of things to do.
     
    I just wanted to let you guys know I am glad I found treatment for the seizures and glad I am able to feel happiness again. I used to love taking my meds and going to bed at 9 because life was so boring and depressing but now I'm so happy, I always want to stay up late! but Im going to continue taking my meds at the same time every night. I shower before I take my meds then get in bed right after my shower. That way Im not walking around without my AFO and I believe taking my meds and going to sleep around the same time every night is definitely helping in preventing seizures, parasomnias, and loneliness.
  24. CagedBird
    My mom came over today and took me to my psychiatrists appointments then we went shopping and I got everything I wanted for my apartment. That meant a lot to me because I was feeling sad for feeling like a burden every time I have to ask my dad to take me somewhere. My mom drove my car. She lives by herself so it was a great day for the both of us. Since she is paranoid schizophrenic, she enjoys getting out the house and being around other people. I also enjoyed being out of my room. My dad has been out of town all day so Im glad I was able to spend the day with my mom instead of sitting in my room worrying about having a panic attack.
     
    I had 2 more panic attacks the last 2 mornings and I started to have one today in the doctor's office. Today I just put my head in my lap and tried to breathe. The last 2 mornings I had them in my sleep. I was shaking and my heart was beating fast. I just kept repeating "Help me." and "Im okay." One morning I fell back asleep, the other morning I woke up and was okay. I had been feeling like crap lately. I had a headache the whole entire day yesterday and stomachache all day after I drank the lactulose, but Im glad today was a great day!
     
    My appointments went well. The psychiatrist recommended that my neurologist increase my clonazepam to help the panic attacks. Right now I am on the smallest possible dose ( .25 mg dissolving tablet twice a day.) My therapist was great too. She gave me some photocopies from a book on mindfulness and meditation to do when Im feeling okay which should retrain my brain and prevent the panic attacks over time. Im excited to try it and the thing Jamie commented on my last blog I get to go see my therapist again on Monday so I will bring that with me. We're going to talk about other things I can do when I live by myself to keep from feeling panic attacks and depression and just keep my mind occupied.
     
    Both my psychiatrist and therapist want me to have a psychological evaluation. My therapist says I have a lot of superstitions. I told her how I feel scared to get happy because I think something bad is going to happen as soon as things are going good and even just the feeling of happiness or excitement scares me because I think Im going to start feeling lightheaded and dizzy whenever I get too happy. She wants me to have a psychological evaluation so she can properly diagnose me. I cant wait to go back next week Today has been such a good day. Its amazing what a day out the house can do for you.
     
    My left side is feeling a little better so Im guessing it was just soreness from the seizures and laying in bed but my left leg still starts jumping like crazy when Ive been walking around. Earlier today I was walking through the house thinking I need a Life Alert or something living by myself and right as I was thinking that, my foot dragged on the carpet, my knee popped back and I almost fell. My knee has been popping back a lot lately without my brace and having spasms with the brace. I know I was diagnosed with bursitis years ago when I was walking on campus all the time and I used to take naproxen but it didnt really help and I dont want to be on anymore medicine thats going to have dizziness and tiredness as side effects so Im probably just going to endure it and keep my brace and shoes on at all times when Im walking through the house.
  25. CagedBird

    my left side

    By CagedBird,

    I don't know what is going on but my left side (my stroke side) is really bothering me. Im trying to write this blog but I cant seem to get comfortable. In the past, my left side never really bothered me and if it did, I would just take the baclofen or do some stretches. Now Im so scared because my left arm feeling weird is my only warning that the seizure is happening. Im constantly moving my left arm now and today my left leg was having crazy spasms just shaking like crazy when I would stand. The back of my thighs aren't sore anymore but my left knee hurts when i walk with my brace and my left ankle hurts when I walk without it. My arm is just sore constantly. I don't know if this is from laying in bed for 5 days during the EEG or from my body going crazy during the seizures. I hope I feel better soon.
     
    I had 2 panic attacks since I been home. Im scared to even talk about them. As Im typing Im laying on my left side because Im scared if I lay on my back, my left side will start jerking. I took my clonazepam so I dont know why I have so much anxiety. It just feels like my left side fell asleep and is waking back up. That tingly feeling reminds me of a seizure and although I know Im not going to have one, I feel like I need to be cautious so I have time to let someone know. It is a sucky feeling. Im just ready to go to sleep.
     
    I cant remember what I wrote in my last blog. My doctor said my dizziness could be coming from my low blood pressure. One night it was only 80 something over 40 something. So I guess those random flashes of dizziness are the blood pressure. I had a panic attack the other day and I walked into the living room yelling for my dad. I just kept telling him I was scared. Then it was over. I had another one the following day. I was laying here trying to focus on tv but something just like took control of me. It felt like I was dreaming. I threw myself on my bed the same way I had thrown myself on the couch in the living room the day before. I yelled for my brother and he stood in my room til I felt normal again. I remember saying "I dont know whats happening."
     
    Im absolutely positively sure Im not going to have a seizure again. I just wish I could convince my body and brain to go back to how it was pre-EEG. I moved my stuff in my apartment today and Im going to get things situated this week. (Pictures coming soon.) Im glad Im 5 minutes away from my bestfriend (my cousin) and my grandma and Im about 10-15 minutes away from my dad. I have a 2 bedroom so I know my dad is going to be staying with me and he wants me to stay home a lot. I just hate this bedroom. I hate laying on this bed looking at these walls. so many bad memories not only of seizures, but of high school, depression, etc. Im looking forward to having my own place again where I can sit up on my couch and watch tv, cook, etc. Im not worried about the seizures anymore so I hope the psychiatrist and therapist can give me some advice for this anxiety/panic and hopefully this soreness/tingliness in my left side will go away with time.