CagedBird

Thank you everyone for the belated birthday wishes! On June 1st I went to the altar at church and asked for prayer over fear anxiety and negative thoughts that I will end up paranoid schizophrenic like my mom. As we were praying, the lady holding my hand and praying with me prayed that the Lord would open my withered hand (like Jesus did for the man in the Bible). She told me to start practicing opening my weak hand. After that day I did e-stim a few times but I need new electrodes because the old ones are hardly sticky and my hand was opening some but my wrist was completely bent. So I decided to just exercise. I heard that if you do something for 21 days, it becomes a habit. So for the last 21 days I have done a few of my exercises from OT. I was doing exercises from PT also but when I took a break for a few days, I caught a bad cramp in the back of my left leg so I decided PT wasnt as important! The exercises I do are only 4 but they all stretch and move my arm. I have also been falling asleep every night with my splint on. I always wake up and take it off but Im glad I can at least fall asleep with it on now. Im hoping I can make it through the night soon without taking it off. Sometimes when I wake up and its not on my arm I will try to wear it during the day for 6-8 hours since thats the equivalent of me sleeping. I dont know why I can wear it all day when Im sitting here doing nothing but cant seem to leave it on while Im sleeping. I seen my therapist last week. She's actually moving to another clinic so when we meet this Thursday we will be discussing whether I want to stay at that clinic and start over with a new therapist or follow her and pay the copay to see her since she doesn't take medicaid. I already know I cant afford the copay and talking to her for 30 minutes sometimes does more harm than good since I have to remember all the attacks but there's nothing she can do to stop them. I had 6 last week but I am still just praying and trying to get on with my life. They are so random and nothing triggers them so I really do believe its the increase in keppra since anxiety can be a side effect. Now I just have to decide if I want to try going back to my old dosage of keppra when I was seizure free AND panic attack free but struggled with the depression

I had an amazing birthday! Yesterday my friend from church Desiree, drove me to Charlotte. We stopped at my favorite restaurants and I even stopped at my old job and visited my favorite co-workers. The concert was awesome. It was called Rock the Park and it was christian music but kind of like for young people I guess like christian rap and christian pop/rock. It was really fun. I didn't have to pay for anything and I got lots of gifts (mostly cards lol) for my birthday. I didnt get home until like 12:30 in the morning so I was kind of stressed because I had already taken all of my medicine at 9:00 thinking I would just fall asleep in the car. But last night was the first time in a long time that I went to bed so late (around 2am) after waking up so early (around 4:30 am) and it was the first time that I did not take my klonapin right before going to sleep. Everything worked out great though. I slept good! Im very happy that even through all the excitement, flashbacks of memories, loud noise and flashing lights at the concert, I was still able to just enjoy myself and not worry about anything bad happening. Today I went to church and went to visit my dad. I took him to brunch and just spent the day with him. It was a great birthday and Father's Day. Tomorrow I finally get to see my therapist then my appointment with my neurologist is right afterward so I guess I will be updating soon. Its always so hard to explain to my therapist the good, the bad, how I've been feeling, and get her advice in a 30 minute session. but I will let you guys know how it goes with her and my neurologist

I was feeling really good. On Tuesday, I went to campus and checked on the status of my application for the job I applied for last week. I kind of did some networking and talked to some old faculty and staff that remembered me. That night when I said my prayers I felt so repetitive. Ever since I rededicated my life back to Christ a few weeks ago, I have been praying to God, reading my bible and devotionals. My closest new friends are women my age I met from church groups that mentor me so it was hard to try to run away from God when the main people I talk to and hang out with were always inviting me to "girl talks" and church functions for young single women. I have another journal where I write about my spiritual journey that's why I don't talk about it much on here anymore. But its kind of hard because on Tuesday night I did the same thing I always do, thank God for answering all of my prayers and that following morning I did the same thing. Im thankful for each day I don't have a panic attack, each night I dont have nightmares, Im even thankful for those few seconds when my brain doesn't get stuck in that R.E.M stage when falling asleep and first waking up. But for some reason yesterday I had 3 attacks. I did the same things I always do but they still happened. I don't understand. I don't know which one was more scary the one I had while sitting outside in the gazebo scared to try to walk back to my apartment but scared of being out there alone after no one answered my calls or the one I had when I was getting out of the shower and I couldnt figure out which way to turn the faucet to make the water go off or if I should sit on the toilet or try to walk back to my room to get my towel. Today I had 3 more. The scariest one was in the grocery store as I was shopping with my dad. I could not play it off because I felt like I was going to fall and I needed something to hold on to. He got scared and grabbed me but I old him dont look in my eyes and just act normal. He's so used to watching me have a seizure but his demeanor was scaring me even more. I wanted to just keep shopping but of course I had to stand there until I felt okay enough to keep walking. My therapist was booked last week and on vacation this week so I havent seen her in a while. I got really depressed yesterday after my shower incident. I was crying because I don't want to end up paranoid schizophrenic like my mom or with psychosis like my friend. She is 27 and her mom had psychosis. She is in the hospital but every time I talk to her I cry because we've been friends since before my stroke and Im not use to hearing her talk like that. It's aso a reminder that might be me one day. I dont want to sit in this apartment talking to myself or talking to God and end up like one of them. I talk to my mentor tonight but sometimes its hard talking to her because in her mind prayer changes everything and when I read the Bible it says God answers prayer. Religion just kind of confuses me because when I got prayed for last Sunday we prayed for all the fear, anxiety, depression, panic attacks, and thoughts that I have psychological problems to go away. I know Im going to have bad days I just dont understand how everything came back after I was doing so good last week. Even my techniques didnt work today. For some reason I pinched my nose I think because my throat was burning and it was hard to breathe through my mouth with the cold air making my throat burn more. Last night in the shower I told myself "it's not happening, Im okay, Im happy, God loves me, God healed me." yet I felt so confused and scared. I just want to feel how I felt on Sunday and Monday-happy. My birthday is in 2 days but I have been having some crazy mood changes. I hated sitting on my couch watching tv all day but now Im scared to sit in the gazebo and today with my dad was really scary because I had never had a panic attack in a public place around someone I know before. I really thought I was getting better trying to stay positive and hope for the best. Now I just dont know

I hope you get better and get out of the hospital soon.

Now that I am seizure free again, I can see the good side of things. I had to talk to God and apologize for not being grateful for being seizure-free all those years. I spent so much time angry at Him for not answering my prayers for my left side and not enough time just being thankful that He was keeping the epilepsy under control. I am kind of glad this all happened. I only got 1 comment on my last entry so Im not sure how many people read it and I dont want to sound annoying repeating myself for those of you who did read it but I am so glad I have my apartment. I miss Charlotte. I miss the big city. I miss being a working class young professional. But I never thought I would say this but I am glad to be home again. Charlotte was not THAT great. I was lonely a lot. I didnt have any real friends. I got rejected and used by a lot of guys when I was desperate for friends. Here I still get lonely and sad sometimes but hardly. I stay so busy and I have family. Last week I did take myself to the movie. I enjoyed it. On Friday my dad came and cleaned up my apartment for me. (Its government housing so we have quarterly inspections). My dad took me out to lunch and I got a free doughnut from krispy kreme. That night my cousin (bestfriend) came over and we watched movies. Yesterday when I was in church, my other cousin texted me that my family was having a birthday party for my grandparents and asked if I wanted to ride with her so I went to her house. We went to get icecream while waiting for the party to start. It was nice being around my family again. My granddad's birthday was last Wednesday and my grandma's birthday is today but they put an extra candle on the cake and sang happy birthday to me too since mine is on the 14 (this Saturday.) Speaking of my birthday, I really wanted to go to a christian concert in Charlotte and my new friend from church who has been inviting me to everything said she would drive me because she wants to go to the concert too. I was so excited when our tickets came in the mail and so glad I have something fun to do and someone to hang out with on my birthday. I also just found out yesterday that she lives in the apartment complex right next to mine so I have a ride now to the church events she invites me to! That worked out so well. I had 2 panic attacks last week but I also can feel when its trying to happen and God helps it go away so instead of complaining about the few I had, I just give thanks for all those times when I get that weird feeling and it goes away. I have made progress. I dont call my cousin anymore. I dont freak out like I did when I stayed with my dad scared that I was about to have a seizure. Now I just try to continue doing whatever Im doing, breathe, pray, sometimes sit down if Im feeling dizzy, and tell myself it will be over soon.

aww Happy Anniversary Fred!

this is a great blog. Thanks for sharing the pics. Great motivation I am working on opening my hand and wearing my splint day and night

I have about 20 minutes before my 9:00 bedtime so I decided to blog. a couple times last week I woke up while still dreaming and it caused me to have an attack. I woke up yesterday morning and forgot to do my meditation. I had done it the first time I woke up while I was dreaming but I fell back asleep and forgot to do it again when I woke up the 2nd time. I got up and went straight to doing laundry so I got overwhelmed and had an attack but I just breathed and it went away quickly. May was mental illness awareness month or something like that so I checked out some books at the library that were on display about managing anxiety and panic. Im learning a lot. Yesterday was so awesome. I got invited to a cokout at the park with the singles ministry at the church I visit. On my way there I stopped at the store and ran into my old Resident Advisor from my freshmen year of college. She told me to look into working there and to let her know if I need to use her for a reference or anything. The cookout itself was great. I did not bring my card holder for the card games but I did have fun playing checkers! I met so many nice people and new friends. After eating and fellowship, they started playing more active games like kick ball and corn hole. I came back home because I didn't want to overdo it. Today I went to church. I got prayed for at the altar. I asked the person praying for me to pray for the fear, anxiety, worry, etc. I really felt a release and I felt so good when I left there. I even ran into my old counselor from college on my way out the door and she told me to call her tomorrow. This evening my dad took me to visit my mom for a little bit then he gassed up my car as an early EARLY birthday present lol. Im so glad I moved here to this apartment. When I was staying with my dad not only was I having seizures, depressed, feeling worthless, etc but I stayed so far out that it wasnt safe for me to drive many places. Where I live now, Im close to the mall, restaurants, the movies, church, parks, the library. I mean its not in walking distance. Im just so thankful Im seizure free and can drive. Living in the city limits and not being afraid to drive has really made a difference in my life. I think Im going to go to the movies tomorrow. Its half off on Mondays and I think it will be nice to go by myself so I wont feel so dependent on other people to enjoy myself

Well after all of my venting and complaining in my last blog, things got a lot better. The following night I talked to the girl from the small group for women at church. Then the following night I talked to my mentor and friend from my abstinent/celibacy group. It was just nice having people to talk to. This weekend was AMAZING. I did not want to sit at home. I wanted to go out and be around people. On Saturday I picked up my cousin and we went to the coffee shop then got lunch at the sandwich shop. That night I talked to a guy I'd met online until like 12am. It was so nice to not sit alone all day and night. On Sunday I drove to church. It was nice once again to be around other people but Sunday night was not so good. I kept wondering if I was going to have any attacks to record before I seen my therapist again on Tuesday. Well Sunday night right as I was making confirmations (praying) that I would have no more attacks, it happened. I tried to close my eyes and breathe but it felt too much like a seizure so I had to open my eyes. I was shaking but luckily it was only around 9:30 so I had people to talk to to help me calm down until I felt okay enough to fall back asleep. Monday was bittersweet. I woke up having an attack. Its like I woke up while I was still dreaming. I didnt want to get up that early but I was too afraid to keep my eyes closed so I got up. The guy I talked to over the phone Saturday night wanted to take me out to breakfast. I was really conflicted because part of me felt scared to drive after having 2 attacks. I was going to just tell him I couldnt go but as I was looking up directions to the restaurant I started to have ANOTHER attack and I knew I just had to get out the house. I had to get away from here. I drove safely and enjoyed breakfast. When I came home I wanted to go back out since it was Memorial Day so I went to pick up my cousin again. This time when we went to the coffee shop, I met a guy that started a conversation with me and invited me to his church. After we left the coffee shop, we came home and ate, then went to the park It was lot of families there cooking out on the grills and playing music, kids playing. It was so much fun to not be alone. I didnt want it to end. I was dreading taking my cousin back home but I was trying to stay calm. I kept telling myself I love my apartment. I need to rest. Everything will be okay. But as soon as I walked through my door the anxiety came and by the time I walked down the hall to my bedroom I was hyperventilating trying to call my cousin. Yesterday I told my therapist about everything. I was concerned that I was avoiding my apartment so much but she said its good avoidance since Im avoiding isolating myself. After my appointment I'd dropped my phone in my dad's truck on accident so I drove to his house to get it. While waiting for traffic to die down I visited my friend I'd went out to breakfast with the day before. Right now Im watching Andy Griffith with my mom and tomorrow Im supposed to be going to lunch with one of my friends from middle school before she goes off to medical school. If I can just stay busy around other people, Im happy: no worries, no fear, no anxiety. I just have to work on being okay alone too. I dont want my entire apartment to turn into my bedroom at my dad's house. I cant keep running from my fears

I will try not to ramble. I just decided to blog because I feel really depressed and alone right now. I had a few more attacks since my last entry but I just breathed slowly and played it off like it wasnt happening. I usually stop what Im doing and start freaking out if the breathing and talking myself down doesnt seem to be working. but lately the breathing and continuing whatever Im doing at the time seems to be helping. I went to therapy yesterday. Its hard to really talk about therapy because I only get 30 minutes. I was given a evaluation I have to bring back next week with questions about how many panic attacks I had and what I did before and after them during the past week. I hope I dont have any at all! Lastnight it was really hard for me to go to sleep. Yesterday made it 2 months that I have been seizure free (with the exception of the EEG seizures). Im so glad the hormone is really working for me.. but it was really hard for me to go to sleep. My mind kept racing. My therapist told me to think of some activities I could do to keep my mind busy but my issue isnt bussiness. My issue is loneliness. I go for walks. I sit in the gazebo and watch the kids play. I called the community college to see what classes they offer this summer. I called the YMCA to see if they have any groups I can participate in. I called a girl I met at a singles conference to see if I can meet friends through her small group at church. Today my dad took me to the library. I find things to do but Im just so tired of going to bed at 9:00 every night and waking up at 5:30 every morning. For what? I call people all day but no one answers because they're at work. I want a boyfriend but the guys I've met online since I moved back here meet me once or twice then ignore me. The ones that do keep in touch dont text often and dont call at all. I am very grateful for all I have and all I've accomplished but sometimes I just feel like such a loser. I feel like all my hard work was for nothing. I feel like I will never find love. I feel friendless and alone. I was looking at an old profile from a social network when I was in 10th grade and under "dreams" I had typed "to be a successful criminologist with 3 kids and a husband". I will be 25 next month and I just feel like a failure. Im thankful I have family here to hang out with but when I was in Charlotte I had co-workers and meet up groups. I was always doing new things and meeting new people. Here no matter what I just feel so alone when Im not hanging out with my family. Disclaimer: Im okay with spending time with myself. I love living by myself being independent I just need someone to talk to sometimes so when Im already lonely I feel more depressed when no one texts back or calls back.

This week went pretty good. I did some grocery shopping and went to the library with my dad again on Monday. Monday night I believe I had a panic attack. I was laying in bed on the computer and I started to get agitated. I didnt want to be on the computer, didnt want to call my cousin, and it was too late to start a movie. Then it happened. I started to feel really dizzy, I got kinda nauseous and since this was the first time since I moved here that it happened while laying in bed, I thought I could be having a seizure so called my cousin. I talked to her until I calmed down. It sucks that Im still afraid to lay in my bed. The only time I lay down now is when Im falling asleep. If I lay down any other time my left arm starts feeling weird and I get scared that its going to start jerking like a seizure. On Monday night I was laying on my left side to hold my arm down while on the computer like I am now when the attack happened. I dont know how I did this everyday when I lived with my dad. I get tired of sitting on my couch all day but sometimes I wish I could just lay down and talk on the phone or watch tv with no fear or weird feelings. Im too smart On Wednesday I had to go get a psychological evaluation requested by my therapist. It was not what I expected. I told the psychologist my life story and he doen't even see the point in me having a real evaluation test. He says they could test me but he doesn't think it would be conclusive with what he and I talked about. With all I've been through, he said its normal for me to feel the way I do and he would probably be worser off than me if he was in my shoes. I asked him about the anxiety, irrational fear, and panic attacks. His conclusion was "you're just too damn smart." He said people with high IQs think a lot so thats why I have the fear and anxiety. His only suggestion to me was to go back to school to be a psychologist so I can think about other peoples' problems instead of my own (like he did) since I am so smart and intelligent. Im not sure if this is good or bad. I kinda wanted a diagnosis so I could get treatment. But I guess there is nothing psychologically wrong with me. EEG follow up My follow up at Chapel Hill yesterday went as I expected. They screwed up my brain 12 years ago so I will be on seizure medicine for the rest of my life because of the scarred tissue. I was right about the birth control. Progestin helps me and my medications seem to be helping so continue my medicine. I did learn 1 new thing. A side effect of keppra is anxiety. So the increase in keppra may explain the increase in anxiety attacks. I was thinking about going back to my old dosage but I was so depressed before. I dont know which is worse being depressed for no reason or having random dizzy spells (panic attacks). Im just glad I dont have the seizures. panic attacks I had another quick panic attack before I went to chapel hill. My dad was here and it was dark and he was sitting on my couch. I started to feel like I was dreaming because it was such a different experience. I told him he was making me feel weird so I went to the bathroom and plopped on the toilet trying not to fall I was so dizzy but once I finished peeing it was over. He didnt even know it happened. I was talking to him the whole time saying "Don't come back here, Im peeing." (because I didnt have time to shut the door). I am glad the attacks dont last long and I believe they will go away

I have never been much for vanity. Always been a plain jane. It did get depressing sometimes in high school watching girls wear heels and skirts/dresses but knowing I couldn't without getting picked on because of my brace plus my brace wouldnt even fit in a high heeled shoe. Kids picked on me and told me I looked like an old woman when my hair started to grow back because I wore it short curled under my ears. Now that my hair is down my back I can look at those first post stroke years and be thankful how far I've come. If only the bruises from god knows what hitting me in the face during the seizures would go away. I feel like I have devil horns on my forehead because I already had a mark on one side from the surgery then I got a mark on the other side from a seizure and now I have a mark right above my lip. Its hard to say "oh dont let it bother you" when you look in the mirror everyday so I know how you feel but I think you will begin to see the beauty in it or figure out a way to make you smile instead of frown when you look in the mirror

This was a pretty good week for me. I told myself on Sunday that this was going to be an awesome week and that I was not going to have any attacks. I proved myself right On Monday my dad took me to pay my light bill, to the library, and to get some groceries. I guess moving back to my hometown does have its advantages (don't have to wait for the bus, save gas having my dad chauffeur me lol). On Tuesday I guess my dad was bored so he popped up and we went out to lunch together. It wasn't anything fancy but it was nice to take a break from the couch and be out around other people. Wednesday was a little less exciting. I actually started to cry because I felt so lonely and bored. I had watched movies, read books, went for walks, and looked at things on the computer but I just wanted someone to talk to. There is a handicap unit in every building in my apartment complex so I asked my property manager if she would help me meet some neighbors that just sit at home all day like me. She said she would walk me around one day to chat with some nice tenants she knows of. Thursday was probably my favorite day. My mom came over and we watched a movie, then I took her to lunch until my appointment started. (She drove my car). I talked to my therapist! Initially my appointment was scheduled for May 20 because my therapist was booked but since I was on the waiting list, they called me when she had a cancellation. It went well. After my appointment we went to the library and my mom got a new library card. I felt so smart showing her how to use the self check-out machine. We actually ran into a lady we used to go to church with who works at the library and she encouraged me to apply for a part time position. I explained my driving situation to her but I might look into volunteering. After the library I took my mom to see Son of God because she really wanted to see it. It was nice. I came home and sat in the gazebo talking to my mentor until it started to get dark then I came in and slept good! Friday I stayed in the house all day. I did not want to overdo it. But today was good. My dad picked me up for my hair appointment then we went to wal mart to buy some things that I used to have that he lost when he moved my stuff. He also bought me a chair and small table so I can sit on my patio now when I dont feel like walking to the gazebo. I spent the rest of the afternoon with my cousin (best friend) just talking and listening to music. When it was time for me to drive her home, we got worried because the road was blocked off. But I successfully made a detour and dropped her off. To get back to my apartment I remembered a road my dad used to make me take when I would drive home from college and only had my permit. I took my detour and made it home safe! This week was perfect. Sorry my blog entries are so lengthy. Im just so happy Im not suffering anymore. Its so easy to remember the bad and so hard to remember the good so I want to make sure I have entries I can look back on and see how far I've come from depression, suffering from seizures, thinking my life was over because I couldnt drive work and was stuck at home, etc). I am so thankful

The night after I wrote my last entry, I had a panic attack after I got out the shower. The water was dripping after I shut the shower off and I started to think I hope that repetitive sound doesn't make me dizzy. I tried to ignore it and continue drying off but I started to feel dizzy so I sat on the toilet and called my cousin. When she answered I could hardly breathe. I felt like I was twitching and I was so scared. When I felt okay, I walked back to my room. I was still shaking but I fell asleep that night with no problems. The following morning I woke up and was getting dressed. I started to think about the night before and it happened again. I felt so dizzy. I called my cousin and she talked to me until I calmed down. That day, I tried to do other things. I went for a walk twice, I sat in the gazebo, sat in my car, read some books, and paid my bills online. While I was online I started to get really scared and agitated. It was people talking outside in the parking lot and I remember saying "please stop talking". I felt so dizzy. But it went away. I didn't start twitching or really shaking that time. Its really annoying getting the attacks. Last week I had none at all. This week I had 5. Its like once I had the first one this week that made me fearful of having another one which probably made it easier for them to come on especially since I sit here by myself all day. Today was a better day. My cousin and I went walking and talking in the park again. I have been very positive since I moved here. Sometimes it feels like if it isn't one thing its another. God took away the depression and brought back the seizures. Then he took away the seizures and gave me panic attacks. I think Im handling things well. I give thanks everyday and I always tell myself I cant let an attack that lasted a few seconds ruin my entire day. If anything Im glad I dont have to worry about seizures anymore. I still just wish I did not feel the fear. Its like Im happy but Im scared even though I tell myself everything is good and I have nothing to worry about. I am definitely going to look into gardening this week. I cannot sit on this couch and watch movies anymore. I need a detox from the tv. My therapist suggested volunteering. I just don't want to commit to an organization until I know how my transportation is going to be. Really I think living here would be so much easier if I just had someone to talk to during the day and come visit during the week. All the word searches and jigsaw puzzles in the world cant replace having someone to take my mind off my thoughts for a little while.

This week has been kind of rough because of the weather. I went outside to throw away my pizza box on Monday but as soon as I sat in the gazebo to call my friend, it started to rain. Tuesday was horrible. It was thundering and lightening from about 2 in the afternoon until I got in bed at 9. I started to feel so depressed. I was afraid to cook since the lights kept flickering and my netflix was messing up on tv so I was sitting here hungry and bored thinking about how sad and lonely I felt. It was very depressing. Im glad I could at least text my cousin to get my thoughts out. When I moved to Charlotte I believe I read this book called the Secret. I liked the idea of positive thinking and making affirmations. Everything was perfect. I got my job at the library, my car, and I was feeling pretty good once I got off the zoloft. BUT I do not like the law of attraction that you attract everything you think of even if its a negative thought. This means that even though Im thinking "I don't want to have a seizure", I will still have a seizure because Im attracting it. Well yesterday I decided to give "the Secret" another chance and watch the documentary. And sure enough as I was watching it I started to have another panic attack. I talked to myself, paused the tv, and tried to breathe but the panic attack did not end until I called my cousin and got her voicemail just like on Sunday. I saw my therapist yesterday. It sucks because she wants me to come back in a week but her schedule is booked for the next 3 weeks. Hopefully they will call if someone cancels. I wrote down all of my fears so I could get her opinion on them. I feel like I spent so much time talking that I didn't really get any good advice. I told her to interrupt me more next time! I feel so bad when I complain. I feel like I've complained all my life about being depressed and disabled and now Im finally not depressed and I still complain. Lastnight I was even thinking of all the good things that have come from me having the stroke. Who knows where I would be if I had not gone through all of that. I am sure I would not have accomplished so much and sure I would not be sitting here doing whatever I want in my own place during a workday with no kids or husband. I have so much to be grateful for and I make positive affirmations all the time. Today I tried to switch it up a bit. I cooked and did my exercises from OT and PT while listening to an audiobook on how to overcome depression, anxiety, and compulsiveness. It helped a lot to get up and moving. I want to make a habit of exercising daily. I think its going to rain again so I will probably do another exercise session later. Im thinking about starting a garden (which my bestfriend suggested). I cant wait to go for a walk in the park with her again this Saturday.

wow Fred I learned a lot about you in this blog. I hope I find love like you did with your wife one day. It has been some crazy thunderstorms here and rain about every day but no major damage where I live. I heard of some tornadoes close by though

Thank you guys for the comments and compliments. This was a very long drawn out week. When I wrote my last entry I was on top of the world but now my high has come down Each day I have been watching movies, reading, and writing. Yesterday was fun. Since my cousin only lives 5 minutes away I went to get her and she came over. We went to the park across the street. It was so nice to get out of the house and be around someone else. It was scary driving since I have not drove in over a month but Im glad I stayed safe. After I took her home, my mentor picked me up and we went to a bible study group. That was nice being around other people. I feel like I have been sitting on this couch all week. My dad has been over here like everyday except this weekend. The night after I wrote my last entry, he came over here at 10:30 at night. He was upset because he had been calling me and I was not answering. I get in bed at 9:00 after I take my medicine and I put my phone on silent because I am a light sleeper and a lot of people I know don't go to bed at 9:00 lol so their texts and calls would wake me up. My dad has a key to my apartment so when I heard him banging on my bedroom door in my sleep I thought something was wrong. I guess he was just worried. Today I had my first major panic attack since I've been here. I felt weird a few times last week but it only lasted a couple seconds and it was usually just after I'd been staring at the tv for too long. This morning I was in my room finishing up on my computer and I started to feel "twitchy." I walked into my living room and I kept telling myself I was okay but it wasn't working. I was so dizzy and scared. I was reminded of the seizures so I called my best friend (my cousin) to take my mind off it. She did not answer but by the time I hung up, I felt okay. I didn't want to call my dad because I felt like it was just a panic attack. I know my therapist said that meditation does not work overnight but I was kind of disappointed. I have been meditating everyday for 20 minutes and doing the progressive muscle relaxation yet I still feel scared. Every night I force myself to go to bed at 9:00 because Im scared I won't be able to fall asleep once the medicine wears off. Im scared to lay in my bed because it reminds me of the seizures and my left arm always starts to feel weird (like it might start jerking like a seizure) as soon as I lay down. Im glad I have my own place. Everyday I dont have a seizure or panic attack I give thanks, every morning I wake up without a seizure or panic attack that night I give thanks. I am so glad to be out of my bedroom at my dad's house. I just wish I did not have to live in fear. As much as I tell myself I dont have seizures anymore, Im still scared. The panic attacks happen when Im the most relaxed and calm not even thinking about them. I try to switch from a movie to a book to the computer but I still get scared when I realize I've just been staring at screens all day. I am an introvert so I don't mind being alone and doing things by myself. I've been going for a walk everyday but when Im alone all day I still just feel trapped in my thoughts like I have too much time to think

You guys I have not been this happy in a long time! As I said in my last entry, I finally moved into my apartment and spent my first night on Saturday. I love it and I included a couple pics. (I did not take pics of every part of the apartment or the outside [laudry room, pantries, closets, etc.) I was worried I would have a panic attack being here by myself but nope I have felt pretty good. I was also worried about sitting staring at the walls or just being on the computer all day and getting lonely like at home but nope, I haven't even had time to be on the computer. I can't afford cable so I bought an antenna for the tv in my bedroom and I get about 20 free local channels (which I haven't had time to watch.) I also bought a roku for the tv in my living room and signed up for netflix (which I also have not had time to watch yet!) Over the weekend my dad took me grocery shopping and my mom help me re-fold and put away my clothes and re-wash my dishes. Right now it is 3am. I haven't got much sleep since I've been here. I don't know if its from noisy neighbors, different environment, change in temperature, or my allergies. but its NOT from seizures or nightmares so Im not complaining! a snapshot of part of my bathroom. plenty of rails to hold on to in the shower i have 2 walk in closets in my room but my dad wanted my bed against the wall so we blocked one closet another part of my room another part of my room i have a door in the living room that leads to a patio another couch in the living room tv in the living room my wall of achievement in my spare bedroom (the office/guest room). Im still unpacking. snap shot of my kitchen I have been meditating and doing the progressive muscle relaxation Jamie recommended daily. I also seen my therapist again yesterday and I see her again next week. Saturday made it a full month that I have been seizure free with the exception of the ones induced for the EEG. I don't know if its the meditation, therapy, no more seizures, or being independent again but I feel on top of the world. I am so happy and I've felt happy for so many days that Im not scared anymore. Im working with my therapist on how to keep from going from extremely happy to extremely depressed when something bad happens and this weekend Im going to a Bible study group where we will be talking about how to deal with life's interruptions and keep your faith even when things don't seem to be going your way. Hopefully I can store up all of this good wisdom and remember to use it when my happiness high comes down. I don't even care that I don't work right now. I've always strived to be successful. While unpacking my boxes I found certificates and accomplishments from elementary school until now. I realized Im always striving to do more and be more but I have already succeeded in every area of my educational, professional, and financial life. I found a whole bag of old splints, exercises, weights, stress balls, and my e-stim tens unit so I plan to add exercising to my daily list of things to do. I just wanted to let you guys know I am glad I found treatment for the seizures and glad I am able to feel happiness again. I used to love taking my meds and going to bed at 9 because life was so boring and depressing but now I'm so happy, I always want to stay up late! but Im going to continue taking my meds at the same time every night. I shower before I take my meds then get in bed right after my shower. That way Im not walking around without my AFO and I believe taking my meds and going to sleep around the same time every night is definitely helping in preventing seizures, parasomnias, and loneliness.