CagedBird

Right now I am just mad. I just left the neurologist. I asked him about the ketogenic diet and modified Atkins diet. He didnt have a clue what I was talking about. When I learned that the ketogenic diet is high in fats and low in carbs, I thought well maybe my seizures came back because I dont eat a lot of fats. Last year I quit eating all meats except seafood. I also do not eat butter or drink whole milk. If I cook I use margarine and on the rare ocassion that I eat cereal I drink almond milk. Not saying Im right but just saying if the seizures came back after all these years and the only thing that has changed is my diet, maybe it is my diet triggering the seizures. I know caffeine triggers it. I stopped drinking sodas when I moved on my own. I only drank water so one day when I accidentally made my coffee too strong, I felt "high" and dizzy. Then this year I had 2 mocha lattes with whipped cream the day I had the grand mal at work. Like I said, I asked the neuro but he had no clue. He did not disprove my theory though. I set up an appointment with the hematologist for next month to check my blood (minerals/vitamins) levels. I know the ketogenic diet works best in children and I do not have the patience to follow the exact diet but if going back to eating more fats and less carbs will help the seizures, Im ready. So I told the neuro how the increase in medicine was making me dizzy and really tired. I also told him about the nightmares. I had some very vivid ones this morning. I woke up around 5am then fell back asleep. I was having seizures and screaming for my daddy. I just kept screaming his name over and over. At one point I did not know if the seizures stopped so I tried to straighten my arm against the bed and it started shaking so I knew I was still having the seizures screaming daddy as loud as I could wondering why he had not come into my room yet. Then I opened my eyes and realized it was just nightmares. I told the neuro about what happened last Friday as well. He does not think that was a seizure. He says seizures are only when you cant feel it coming and since my heart was beating fast that was probably just an anxiety attack. SO since he doesnt think Im really having seizures and taking 2000 mg of keppra a day is only making me tired and dizzy, he decreased me back to 500 mg twice a day. My dad does not want me to get addicted to the klonapin so he decreased that as well from .5 to .25. After he wrote the prescriptions, he told me to watch out for more seizures since he was decreasing the medicines. I said well why did you decrease it if it can make me have more seizures? And he said well you said it was making you tired and not working. Im just. I dont even know. He tells me Im not having seizures then tells me to watch out for seizures because hes going to decrease the medication AFTER he just doubled it a month ago. He doesnt know what to do with me so hes referring me to an epileptologist at Duke epilepsy center. But wait, he just said Im having anxiety attacks and not seizures? Exactly. It doesnt make sense! So he also referred me to a psychologist for the nightmares and depression. I wonder what the psychologist is going to say. I hope they can prescribe me something to numb all this anger and pain I get when I cant understand why I have to go through all this.

i just felt like writing. After 1 christian telling me i put too much faith in medicine and not enough in God, I have been trying to be as spiritual as I can praying and reading the Bible. Then my co-worker who is a minister told me the 1 christian was wrong. It is not my fault. She told me to go to church and get someone to cast the demons out of me. Lastnight my cousin invited me to her church but I told her I did not want to go back because Im tired of people telling me Im not getting healed because Im not praising God or feeling like it must be demons in me since Im not running around the church shouting and jumping and dancing. Lastnight a sudden sadness came over me. I wept. I just felt worthless all of a sudden. Earlier in the day I felt like I was "living the life". Wake up whenever I feel like it, lay in bed all day if I feel like it, no house bills to pay, no more getting off work at 8:00 at night. I can wake up, shower, have breakfast, say my prayers, read my scriptures, exercise, and do everything on my time. Then lastnight after I took my medicine (2 keppra, 2 baclofen, 1 clonazepam) I got ready to become a zombie and get right back in bed. Thats when I wrote this Too young to have 16 surgeries on the brain an old woman's energy in a young woman's frame "But you're so young!" people respond when I say i had a stroke. "That was 12 years ago!" I brag as if Im telling some twisted joke. "The malformation may burst if we dont operate." "Well lets set this up before its too late." The exchange between the doctors and my parents that day as we unknowingly prepared for my life to never be the same In an effort to remove the malformation, they ruptured my brain, scarred the tissues, made me lame. Instead of stopping the seizures, they caused more, damaging my brain more than it was before. Spent my school days in a hospital bed bought an old lady wig when they shaved my head. Came from a wheelchair to a cane and now just a brace. but physical disabilities is not all I've had to face. Stroke affects your mind, body, and soul as it removes or damages half of your whole. Takes away your pleasures, all you can feel is pain takes away your happiness yet causes you to laugh like your insane. Makes you break down in tears when you werent even sad then uses the opportunity to remind you of what you had: A normal life, everything was okay, no medications, therapies, and appointments to fill your day. As I reminisce I try to remember what it was like to play tennis with my neighbor then ride my bike, do simple things like wash my hands and my hair. I could see in my left visual field before but now nothings there. The surgeons were supposed to make me better but made me worse yet I am supposed to be thankful I rolled home in a wheelchair instead of a hearse. So much to go through but I didnt let it limit me, graduated high school and college with the help of God's divinity, practiced driving with my new license for a year, then moved away from home and started my career. Life was going great living the young professional's dream I even started using my weak side to do things. showing the public I dont let disabilities stand in my way until I had to give it all up one day. a seizure at work that brought me to the floor, sudden anxiety attacks I wasnt having before. Seizures in the night and parasomnias during naps still i tried to withstand these attacks. People still think I was too young to have a stroke and 16 surgeries on the brain but 12 years later i still feel too young to be bearing this pain

I have lived with my dad pretty much since I had the cane back in 2003 so he is used to dashing into my room or calling out my name anytime he hears a bump. back then the issue was me falling since I could not walk as well as I do now. We put the bed back up against the wall so he can hear if I hit it during my sleep. (I still remember him holding me on my side in 2005 because he heard me hit the wall having a seizure.) I asked my brother if he heard me call for help during the seizure Friday but he said he was sleeping. He works 3rd shift so hes usually sleep during the day. Though my dad is retired now, he works part time and he spends a lot of time outside messing with the yard. My brother told my dad to get me a life alert or something so I can let someone know when it happens. One thing I do now is leave my door unlocked. I used to lock it for privacy before but now in the bathroom and in my room I leave it unlocked just incase I do fall. Yesterday I had a horrible case of parasomnia. I woke up around 5am but was still sleepy but was going to go to early church service because I was afraid to fall back asleep. Unfortunately I could not fight the sleep though it wanted to fight me. Repeatedly I was screaming at the top of my lungs for help. It felt like someone was squeezing my whole body all over and choking me. At one point I was using all of my strength to push something. Finally I woke up and I felt fine. My friend I used to work with is a minister so she prayed with me lastnight because she believes it is demons attacking me. Her prayers worked. I slept good, woke up, and slept some more. No seizures no nightmares. Unfortunately I have had a headache all day My mom gave me some bayer chewables so I hope that helps. Im going to the neurologist on Wednesday. Still deciding on getting the VNS. Its just rather frustrating because Im taking the clonazepam and still having parasomnia and taking 2000 mg a day of keppra and still having seizures.I just pray God will take away the suffering. I do want to say life has been good since I moved here. I spent the day with my mom yesterday. We went to spoken word poetry night at the coffee shop and it was fun yet relaxing. My mom drove since it was dark. My mom carried my hot chocolate as I took my time up the steps. Today I made some calls to get my SSDI reinstated and get my Medicaid switched over. It feels good to be able to take my time and do whatever I like with my day and have my family to help with anything.

I just had another seizure. After taking my medicine I tried watching tv and being on the internet but I was just so tired I dosed off with the tv on. A few minutes later I found myself waking up slowly like I didn't know what was happening. I thought I was going to throw up, my head hurt, and my heart was beating so fast it hurt too. I thought about calling my dad but I couldnt remember how to use the phone. I tried yelling out his name but it came as a whisper. I was scared. Finally it ended, I turned the tv off, and I just lay here crying. My head still hurts. It was like this uncontrollable fear making me cry. I said in my head "Im scared" so I decided to blog. Sunday I had a somewhat similar episode. First after taking my medicine I was really moody and irritable. I was not mad at anything, I was just acting really mean like I had no patience or compassion. When I got back to my apartment I was so tired I took a nap. During the nap I had a nightmare. I was at work in the breakroom and a co-worker walked in. I began to have a seizure but he was fixing his lunch and did not notice. I tried to tell him verbally but I couldn't say anything. So I tried falling out of my chair to get his attention but I was scared to fall. As I felt myself sliding off of the chair I woke up. I moved back home on Wednesday. As my brother and dad moved my stuff I felt like I was in a dream. There was a lot going on around me but I could not comprehend it. My brother started talking to me and I heard him but it just did not seem real unless I looked right at him to understand what he was saying to me. Its hard to explain and I dont remember when the feeling went away but it did. So now I am laying here frustrated. I celebrated Thanksgiving with my family yesterday and although I cried at work on my last day, I have been fairly optimistic since moving back home. I did not cry during the move or get sad since I been home. I've just been relaxing and thinking about what to do with my life next. I guess I will go ahead and get the VNS therapy. I just want to live a normal life. Thank you all for your support in the comments.

I put in my resignation letter. It was very hard and I cried many nights but I felt like I needed to do it. Sunday I remember waking up at 3am feeling like something was wrong (seizure). My heart was beating fast, I had a headache, I could hear myself breathing really loud, the thoughts in my head were really loud and my throat was burning like I was going to throw up. Next thing I knew it was 7:30 and I was waking up getting ready for work. I felt fine but around 4:30 that evening at work I started feeling weird again. I tried putting my head down, closing my eyes, etc but I was working the front desk so I had to help customers. A coworker came up to the desk and asked my workmate a question. As I was looking at her it felt like I was about to have a seizure. I quickly looked away and tried to slow my breathing back down and do something on the computer to make me feel normal. Wednesday night my friend stayed the night with me. I was upset about putting in my resignation letter and didnt want to be alone. I slept on my right side close to the wall while he slept next to me close to the edge. Laying on my right side as I was sleeping it felt like my body was being pushed back. I tried to let him know I was having a seizure but I could not talk. To make it worse I could not get his attention since I was laying on my right side and could not touch him with my left hand. I continued to tried to talk until I heard a yell finally come out of my mouth... Suddenly he was walking away. (I guess I was dreaming now). I got up to shut the door behind him but I heard a knock. I peaked through and seen a big woman in a yellow shirt. I told her she could not come in but she began pushing on the door trying to get in so I pushed back. Then I noticed another woman standing next to her. She began grabbing my head and pushing me so I started pushing her forehead back with all of my strength... Then I woke up. I told my friend "I think I just had a seizure". I guess he could not understand me or was half sleep because he began asking me if I was having a seizure, what happened, if i was okay, etc. I began telling him what happened. I still had a headache so I know it wasnt all a dream but as I was explaining the dream suddenly I wasnt talking out loud anymore. I was explaining everything but my voice was in my head. I realized I was sleep and could not wake myself up. It seemed like it took forever for me to stop talking in my head and wake myself up. According to him he did not feel me having a seizure behind him and did not hear me yell out. I dont know if this was just a dream or if it really happened and he was just sleep and didnt notice. (My other friend didnt notice me have a seizure and fall off the bed back in June). I asked him if I told him about the seizure and dream and he said I was talkin and just stopped (guess this is when I fell back asleep). Im glad I had someone there with me to tell me some of what happened and possibly kept me from falling off the bed SO I decided it was time to call it quits. My last official day of work is next Tuesday. Im moving home Wednesday. I thought things would get better but I just cannot continue to work in the fast pace rotating shift job I had. I hate to give it up but I knew my performance was going down and I hated the flashes of dizziness, anxiety attacks, whatever I was having. My supervisor was also concerned about me falling and hitting my head or having a seizure in the back workroom when no one is around. I also thought about the time I had a seizure at home and fell off the toilet and sprang my ankle 10 years ago. Luckily one of my brothers heard me and broke the lock on the door and called the ambulance. If this happened to me in my apartment I would just be stuck on the floor seizing. Then be out of work since falling will sprang my left ankle and I cannot use crutches. If the seizures stopped and dizziness was not as frequent, I wouldve tried to hang in there but I felt like things were still up in the air. No one still knows whats triggering the seizures or how to stop them and I dont want to take any chances. This blog is getting long so I will probably write again after I officially move out of my apartment next week.

No more therapy. Wednesday was my last day. But I have everything I need. I have new exercises, my old ones from 2007, my mirror box, my e-stim unit, and my brace and splint. I have been exercising everyday since my last day. I don't want to waste all that progress. It feels so great when I use my left hand to do things. While at the doctor, I told my dad I could open the door. We were in the room waiting for the doctor. He didnt believe me but I did it. He was like when did you learn how to do that? I just smiled I went to my neurologist in Fayetteville last week. I decided not to start that new medicine the neurologist here in Charlotte wanted to put me on. It had too many scary side effects. My neurologist in Fayetteville did want to increase my dosage again though. I dont remember the actual dosage but he increased it from the 750 twice a day. I have not started it yet but Im going to pick it up after I leave the library. Im kinda scared to start it because of my mood issues and the keppra side effects on my mood. I had a break down last Friday. Like I just cried for 3 hours straight. I could not get out of bed. I called out of work and that made me feel worse to know that I disappointed my supervisor by calling out from work. I literally just wanted to lay there and die. I felt such hatred for myself and thinking about my situation just made it worse. I decided I want to go home. I still dont know when though. I will probably have to pay the remainder of my lease and lose out on my deposit. With no income (except maybe SSDI) I will have no choice but to live with my dad and Im not even sure if SSDI would cover rent, my car payment, AND my car insurance which is super high because of my 3 accidents in 2 years. I started job hunting in Fayetteville but Im not sure I want to go straight back to working full time and I cant find anything part time. I would like time to just sit home and exercise and maybe work on my motivational speaking (which I get paid for most of the time). Im just scared to put in my 2 weeks notice. There is a trailer right across the street from my dad's house that will be available the end of this month. If I could have my way I would quit my job and move there and live off my SSDI that way I would still have my independence, still have time to exercise, and my dad would be less than 5 minutes away. My lease is really the main thing stopping me right now and my fear of letting my supervisor down by quitting after she just promoted me in July and gave me a raise in September. I am going to go home next weekend. Im off Friday-Sunday so that will be a good vacation. I really enjoyed going home last week.

I just left the neurologist office. He said I had a small amount of discharge one night that could have turned into a seizure. He was really concerned that I had the big one at work the day before the EEG. He said the discharge in my brain came from the area where my stroke was so I guess its just post stroke seizures. The nighttime seizure medicine they started me on has been working wonderfully though. I dont wake up in the middle of the night anymore (unless the hand splint is bothering me) and I havent had any nightmares or parasomnia. The neurologist gave me a few options. Start a new medicine and ween me off keppra, increase the keppra again, or just stay like I am. I definitely did not want an increase in keppra since it really affects my mood so I opted for the new medicine. That means I will be taking THREE seizure medicines. OT has been good. I got my own mirror box now and have my exercise plan but I never have anytime to do the exercises. The medicines make me so tired and I work 40 hours a week. I just dont have the energy to do anything. I was disappointed to find out that my OT let me down on the saebo. At first she told me it would be a good resting splint for me but then after she talked to the company she said I might have too much tone and might need to try botox first. I had been dealing with doctor bills all month. My medicaid was under review and I got no type of notification or or anything so the seizure ER visit, accident ER visit, EEG, and doctor visits were billed to me. Very frustrating calling each hospital to clear it up. I also had an incident one night I could not find my baclofen prescription, I was completely out, and the pharmacist would not fill it. I had to rush home and look everywhere. Then a week later I got stress because I could not find my new seizure medicine and was completely out. I looked everywhere and found it..in the trash. I had thrown it away on accident. I dont want to move back home but I do want to move back home. I really dont like working full time or my job. Although I work hard, I just really wish I had more free time and I feel like working full time and doing everything on my own here is just too stressful. Now the doctor wants to put me on this new medicine. What if I have another seizure at work? I am afraid to drive now. but as I was walking to the library to type this I stood there for at least 5 straight minutes and the walk sign never came up so I just went when the light turned green but it turned red before I made it across the street. Luckily the cars waited for me to finish crossing so I didnt get hit this time. I just dont want to be here. It was dangerous enough for me to be driving with the limited vision then in this big city there are always accidents, roads closed, and detours even though I avoid the interstate. Now Im going to be put on this new seizure medicine and who knows how it will make me feel. I get anxiety attacks everytime I get ready to cross a street and my leg hurts so bad from this new brace, the accident, and the extra walking I do to minimize crossing the street to get to bus stops. Plus taking the bus turns my 15 minute commute to work into a hour and a half so Im waking up earlier and getting home later making me more tired and giving me less time to get things done at home. I love my independence. I love coming home having privacy, driving my cute little car wherever I want when I feel like going somewhere. but im just tired. tired of having to do everything for myself. tired of working to exhaustion then my supervisor still complains. then its like if I cant drive and cant take the bus I will have to go back to using the special transportation bus which is super unreliable and never on time. I am going home this weekend for an appointment to update my neurologist in Fayetteville. I dont want to say I give up. I just need a break. I dont know. Maybe Im just upset right now. just needed to vent. Thanks for your comments. I have been generally happy and I am thankful for all that I have and have accomplished. I just want a break from the stress without feeling like Im doomed to give up on having a meaningful life. If only I could work from home

Thanks everyone for your comments and concern. Im feeling better and am waiting on my lawyer to start the case. I recently disconnected my cable and internet so I am typing this in the last 5 minutes of my lunch break at work. As some of you know my stroke anniversary was yesterday. 10-18-01 was the day I went in to have the angiogram for my AVM and woke up days later with a stroke. I just wanted to let you guys know I have not been sad and depressed this anniversary. I went to church on Sunday and a minister prophesied to me that my arm would start to straighten out. I had the dream I was clapping my hands Monday night after church. I did my evaluation on Wednesday and I am making progress in OT so I get a few more weeks. I went back to church for revival Thursday and Friday night. I am really just glad to be alive, glad God woke me up this morning, and glad I can say I made more progress this past year than I have in the last 12.

I decided to return back to work this week so I bought a bus pass instead of driving. I was about to cross the street at the cross walk. It said walk. I took a few seconds to look to my left and right to make sure no one was making right or left turns and began to walk with 12 seconds left. As soon as I began to start walking I seen a big van approaching me on my left side. "WAIT!" I screamed. but it was too late. I fell over to my right side in the road then rolled over in agony. The driver got out and called 911 and witnesses began to direct traffic and see if I was okay. I got all my clothes cut off and was rushed to the ER. Fortunately my CT scan didnt show any internal bleeding and my x-rays only showed an old fracture in my lower back . I could not move or walk at first. It hurt to breathe. My lower back, hips, and left leg felt horrible but after the pain pills and morphine I didnt care about the pain. It sucked because I couldnt eat anything all day yesterday until around 8pm and they'd been giving me meds all day on an empty stomach so my stomach has been killing me all day today. After they discharged me, I came back to Fayetteville with my dad so he could look out for me. It still hurts to move and I cant bend or lift more than 10 pounds. I think I am just going to move back here to Fayetteville. I dont understand why so much keeps happening to me. All Im trying to do is live my life and not let everything stop me. I wasnt jaywalking trying to go somewhere inappropriate. I was at a cross walk trying to make it to work. I was trying to take the safe route by NOT driving. It just doesnt make sense like God is just picking on me. I have nothing tying me down to charlotte like close friends. I have no family there. Im not crazy about my job. and it seems like everything is hassle when it comes to going out. I can drive but traffic drivers/pedestrians are crazy there. I can take the special transportation van but it was always late picking me up and dropping me off. And taking the city bus is the cheapest "safest" option but ever since I moved my bus routes near my apartment are closer to uptown and longer and more confusing. I either end up walking a long ways to/from my apartment to catch the main routes or standing outside the street in the dark waiting for the community bus that stops right in front of my apartment but only makes stops every hour. If I move back here to fayetteville I will keep my car and try to be roommates with my cousin/bestfriend that way I will still feel independent, wont be moving back to my sad depressing bedroom in my dads house, and will have family to help. The wonderful OT is the main thing I will miss about charlotte but I have my e-stim, have my splints, have my exercises, and if I quit my job and go back on disability I will have time to really exercise. As far as my job I hate to quit after just getting promoted but I have been missing so much time from work and I feel like my supervisors dont want me there anymore because they keep trying to convince me stress from the job is whats causing the seizures although I keep telling them Ive been in more stressful situations (COLLEGE) and would usually only seizure on my days off from work when I been laying in bed all day. Well I will let you guys know how things go and how the case goes if I can sue the driver that hit me. Im just trying to be strong

First of all THANK YOU all so much. Your comments and support really meant a lot to me. You guys really knew just what to say. Well the good news is I was discharged from the hospital so I am FREE AT LAST! no more electrodes stuck to my head, no more iv in my arm, no more confined to the hospital bed and calling the nurse to help me to the bathroom. Being back in the hospital was not a good feeling. I really had some break downs in there. Like what if I have to have brain surgery for them to stop the seizures? What if I have to get my hair cut off again? It was just like I was 12 years old again, my mom sleeping in the pull out chair next to me and helping me with my food. ... Wow I just got de ja vu. It was like de ja vu of me having a seizure a long time ago as a kid. Its crazy my mind went back to that same time and place like I could see it just now. very weird.... Anyway so yeah the good news is Im back home (still in charlotte). I decided to just buy a bus pass for the month instead of driving for a while. My dad is going to put my bed against the wall so I wont fall between the crack. Also good news is I am going to keep getting my disability money since Im in a grace period so even though I had to take 2 weeks off from work I should be able to pay my bills this month and I got family medical leave from work so I should still have a job when I go back. The bad news is I did not have a seizure the whole time I was in the hospital. I did feel light headed and dizzy at times but I might can just blame that on my head being wrapped and taped in electrodes and me laying in bed for 5 days. I did have a couple jerks in my sleep the doctor noted. During these times he would see a discharge from my brain meaning it couldve been a spark of a seizure. I wish he could've actually observed one and seen where they are coming from in my brain because now all we have to go on is theory and his opinion from prior experience. We did everything to make me have a seizure. They took me off my keppra on Tuesday, flashed lights in my eyes for 3 minutes everyday, and had me blow into a pinwheel for 3 minutes everyday but nope no seizure. When I would jerk in my sleep and during naps, this was all the doctor had to go by. He gave me klonopin in addition to my regular keppra. I tried the klonopin last night. It was great. It knocked me out and I was not even scared to fall sleep. I hope it has the same affect tonight! I asked if my brain rewiring (using my left hand more) could be triggering the seizures. Each time I have the seizures the first thing that happens is my left arm begins to jerk. (This did not used to happen.) Since I have seizure activity where I had the brain damage, the doctor believes it is certainly possible. But he told me that doesnt mean I should stop using my left side. We just have to figure out the best medications that will fight the seizure activity. Considering we did everything including taking me off my keppra for 5 days, and I still had no seizure, my doctor said I have a low tendency for seizures. This is good news but as I said before I still wish I couldve had at least one. I feel like I still have no answers and will just have to hope for the best. Well Im about to shower now I love you guys

I was feeling kind of weird at work. I'd had a mocha coffee before work so I felt kind of good when I got there. I guess the caffeine put me in a good mood and I just felt relaxed and at peace. Then I guess it wore off and I began to feel tired and light headed. I was working sitting at the desk mostly but when I had to walk around to gather some books I started to feel more strange. I couldn't tell if I was just getting tired or if I was going to have another seizure or if I was just feeling uneasy because I went back to wearing my old brace today after wearing my new brace for the last week and I had on flats with no socks so my feet were sliding and making me feel off balance. I was sitting in the workroom next to my co-worker and I started to feel really weird and dizzy like I'd just woke up. I tried to put my head down in my arms but it felt like my left arm was moving uncontrollable. I tried to say "I'm having a seizure." My co-worker said "oh no. she's having a seizure." I began to slide out of the chair and she asked my supervisor what side to lay me on. Then I opened my eyes and I was crying uncontrollably. The EMTs were in my face asking me questions. My coworker was rubbing my back telling me not to cry. I was still out of it so they took me to the emergency room. I kept randomly feeling weird again like earlier this morning when I'd felt like I was in a trance or something sometimes. Besides my heart rate being kinda high from the crying, they said my bloodwork and urine was okay. They let my neurologist know I had the seizure but Im still scheduled to have my EEG tomorrow. My coworker told the doctor during the seizure I was flinging my arms and legs, grunting, and I bit my tongue. I dont know what triggered the seizure. Maybe I had too much caffeine. Maybe I was so stressed about having a seizure tomorrow during the sleep study that I made it happen today. I just felt like giving up on life. I finally have everything I want and need and now Im having unexplainable seizures for the first time since 2005. I wonder if my left side getting better has anything to do with it. I kept feeling like my left arm was still moving uncontrollably when I was waiting to be discharged from the hospital. I kept feeling random tingling in my arm and fingers. I dont know. Its almost like my brain is rewiring itself to use my left side but getting confused thus having the seizures. It seems like the seizures have happened more frequently. I was good for a month. But this is the 3rd seizure in the past 2 week. Last saturday I didnt have a seizure but I remember waking up and feeling relieved that I didnt have one in my sleep then as I was looking at the clock I started to feel nauseous and dizzy. I started to scream in my head "Jesus help me. Somebody please. Anybody help me." I could hear my screams in my head but its almost like I was still dreaming. After I stopped screaming and talking in my head I looked at the clock and an hour had passed. Part of me just feels like quitting my job, selling the car since they will probably take my license once they find out about the seizures, and moving back home since no one thinks its safe for me to live here by myself. I will keep you guys posted on how the sleep study goes.

My brain is in a fog right now. I cant remember what I did yesterday. Well yesterday (Friday morning) i fell asleep around 1am and woke up around 3am. I started reading a book to help my fall back asleep but ended up staying up for another hour and a half or 2 hours. As I was falling back asleep i decided to lay on my left side. Im usually on my left side or back when I have the seizures in my sleep. So as I was falling asleep I started feeling like I couldnt move. It like a force was holding my arms down and I was trying to fight it. I also heard screams which I guess were my own in my head. Soon I fell back asleep though. I am guessing that was just parasomnia because when I woke up I felt fine and felt fine all day yesterday. So lastnight I was exhausted. I did not make anything for dinner but throughout the day I'd had a veggie sub, chips, water, and fruit salad with apples walnuts and dried cranberries. I think I had a apple for breakfast. Either way my diet isnt supposed to have an affect on my seizure medicine so I dont know why I had a seizure lastnight. I woke up this morning reaching for my phone on my nightstand but i couldnt find it. It was dark so I began reaching for the lamp but I could not feel that either. I felt to my left and wondered what the big object was. I thought it was my covers bunched together until I realized it was the bed. I was on the floor. I tried to get up but my left (weak) ankle hurted too bad. I always keep books on the floor next to my bed since I read at night but about 6 out of 8 of them were on my bed. I dont know how they got there. I couldnt remember if I took my medicine lastnight so I tried scooting to the kitchen but could not get up once I got to my bedroom door. I called a friend and he is on his way to help me. I might go to the hospital to see if my ankle is sprained. As I was laying here I remembered the seizure. I was laying on my back and it felt like my body was jerking to my left (weak) side. I think I was creaming "no, help me!" but that was probably just my imagination. I dont remember falling off the bed and like I said I didnt even realize I was on the floor until I tried to get up. I have carpet burn on my right knee and right elbow but my left ankle really hurts so Im guessing the seizure was pretty bad. My alarm clock on my nightstand was even flipped upside now. Sorry I wrote so much. I just like to keep a detailed record of the seizures. I went a whole month without a seizure. I hope I dont go a whole nother one because I really need to have one on the 24th when I get my sleep study done. Thanks for the support on my progress using my hand. I really appreciate it

Thanks for the comments on my last blog. I know its only been a few days but I wanted to share my joy (yes joy!) I finally took a bath using my left hand. It was hard to keep the hand towel from unraveling and I still went back and washed all over again using my good hand but Im glad I atleast tried it. I will try again tonight. I also held a water bottle in my left hand and opened it with my good hand without spilling it everywhere. Now I can pretty much get my wrist in neutral position and when I push my wrist back, I can now feel my fingers release! It is hard to explain but basically I am on my way to being able to straighten my wrist and fingers at the same time. My fingers are looser now. Even when I have on my wrist support, my fingers dont curl down to the bottom or middle of my palm anymore. My fingertips stop at the top of my palm now like where the fingers begin. I know pretty soon they wont even be touching my palm anymore My OT says some of my muscle tendons atrophied so I will probably never be able to bend my wrist all the way back but that sounds like a challenge to me and I am ready for it Today I felt so happy at OT. I was doing my evaluation and she told me to turn my forearm over. I remember I used to always skip that exercise on the sheet when I got my home exercise program years ago when I was doing OT and botox in Fayetteville. But today I tried and I did it! My face really lit up and I even asked her "when did I learn how to do that?" lol Now I just want to do it all day long. This means Im on my way to turning door knobs and drinking from a cup using my left hand. I think Im going to try to add those to my list Most of all my evaluation went good. I did not understand the measurements but my OT said I have made a lot of progress these last 4 wees so she is going to order another month of therapy for me. Its so hard to believe Im actually doing it, using my left hand, and Im actually getting better. This is all I have ever wanted for the last 12 years. I cant believe its finally happening for me. I think my body has finally adjusted to the increase in my Keppra in June. I have not had a seizure or nightmare since I seen the neurologist and I havent felt really dizzy in about 2 weeks now. I guess I will still do the sleep study just in case. I just hope they dont have to mess with my medicine. To many good things are happening to me right now. I dont want the uncontrollable sadness to come back.

I have pretty good news. I am progressing in therapy. My OT gave me some exercises. The only problem I have is being consistent! I was off work last Monday through Tuesday so I got up each morning and did all of my exercises, 15 minute e-stim sessions twice a day, and wore my splint for about 4 hours. I even fell asleep with my smaller splint on each night. Even though it was on the floor when I woke up, it felt good to know that I can at least fall asleep with that one on. Remember that night years ago I stayed up until 4am trying to fall asleep with the comfy splint on but just could not because it was so uncomfortable? No more! Falling asleep with it on is a step so Im just grateful for that. Fast forward Wednesday I went to OT before work but did not do my exercises. Thursday I made an attempt. I wore my wrist support all day and did a 15 minute e-stim session during my lunch break. I had OT Friday morning before work and have not exercised since The issue is work. I have been working everyday, weekends included since Wednesday and I do not get another day off until this Friday. I bring my e-stim unit to work but get distracted or end up doing something else for my last 15 minute of my lunch break. I had to report 5 new things I started using my left hand to do and I want to share: Week 1 1. turning kitchen faucet on and off (up and down) 2. Turning bathroom faucet on and off (side to side) 3. Turning light switches on and off (up and down) 4. Flushing the toilet (pushing down) 5. Continuing to hold my toothbrush when I apply toothpaste Week 2 1. Reaching down into clothes basket to take out dirty clothes for laundry 2. Reaching up into dryer to put in and take out clothes 3. Clean stove top off in circular motion 4. Close refrigerator door 5. Reach up into cabinets when getting food I don't actually move my fingers or my wrist but I think it is good to just remind my arm and shoulder of how to do those movements. Not only have I not moved my arm in these motions in 12 years but I never had to do things like laundry and cleaning before I was 12 so its like teaching my arm new things. A week ago I was so happy and motivated to use my hand and exercise everyday but I just do not have enough time. Its like work takes up my whole day. Some nights I dont leave work until 8:00 pm. I know e-stim only takes 15 minutes and something is better than nothing so I guess I got to start prioritizing it. It just that using my hand takes patience. When Im running late in the morning is easier to just hit the switches, control the faucets, and flush the toilet with my good hand. My OT wanted me to start washing my face and bathing with my left hand but in the mornings Im in a rush and at night Im just ready to hurry up and get in bed. I am thankful very thankful. I remember when I had no splints, no e-stim, and only got a couple sessions of therapy after painful uneffective botox. Now I have various splints to straighten my wrist, my own e-stim unit to move my fingers whenever I want, and a therapist that actually believes in me and has already helped me reach my goals. I have all of my resources, I just have to make time to use them EVERY DAY. Even though my 12 year stroke anniversary is a month away, I believe I have made more progress this year than ever

Thanks its always great spending time with family

I drove my first roadtrip and didnt get in an accident! I was so relived Im still alive! My arm was sore from gripping the steering wheel so tight trying to steer straight going 80 mph. As some of you know I don't have my left field vision so merging is pretty scary and I could not really turn all the way around to see what was coming since I was driving so fast so I had to use my mirrors but luckily I only had to merge back onto the interstate 2 or 3 times. One time I had to wait for a big 18 wheeler to pass so I could get behind him then get over again so the big truck wouldnt be blocking the signs I needed to see. It was also scary when I would be in the far left lane next to the median because I felt like if I went to far to the left I would crash into the wall in the median but if I drifted to the right I would side swipe the car next to me. The big 18 wheelers really made me feel cramped but I made it safely so I guess it was all in my head I drove about 370 miles. I went to Raleigh to see a friend then to Fayetteville to pick up my cousin then back to Charlotte. I didnt get to sleep until 3am so I was super tired at work yesterday My other cousin came up and we went out to dinner lastnight. It felt so good to have my family here and not be here by myself. Since I'd done so much driving and sightseeing I was scared I might have a nightmare or seizure Friday night especially since I did not take my medicine until about 2am but I actually have not had a seizure in 3 weeks since I seen the neurologist. I did have a nightmare that I was having a seizure last week but its like I only panicked for a little bit before I realized I was dreaming so it was not too bad. I am kind of tempted to take a nap and see if I can trigger a seizure but Im off work for the next 3 days so I will just see what happens. (They used to only happen mornings after days off or nights I'd been in bed all day and/or took a nap. It would be great if the seizures were gone for good but it seems like they happen right when I stop worrying about them and I really want it to happen when I get my EEG so I wish I knew something I could do to trigger it so the neurologist wont try to keep me in the hospital all week trying to make me have a seizure. Driving was a great distraction and getting back home safely made me feel so glad. I still get depressed at work and hate myself when I make a mistake, people stare, etc and I cried this morning after my family left but to end this on a good note, like I said it felt good to not wallow in pity confusion and sadness on my day off and spend time with my bestfriend

I really do love you guys. Thanks for all of your support. I was able to tell my OT this morning some of the stuff I learn from this board that she had never heard of. I am glad I went to chat lastnight because I was also able to explain to her Im not the ONLY one that just cant sleep with the splint on and if I do manage to fall asleep with it on, I take it off in my sleep or its not on when I wake up. So I really am glad this board is still around. I wrote a poem on Sunday. I had not wrote one in a while. I cant explain what the monster is. The monster is many different things (a sudden mood change, a feeling of worthlessness, a desire to be dead, etc). The monster pops up when I think Im doing okay and does not leave me alone until it feels like it. I hope the poem will explain how no matter what I try to do, say, or think sometimes I just cant feel happy and it makes me want to cry when I cant even force myself to smile sometimes and dont know why. The monster in my brain is rearing its ugly head Making me feel insane for confining myself to my bed “You’re stupid. You’re ugly.” I hear in my ears. “No one will ever love you.” it tells my fears. “But I’m smart! I’m beautiful!” I tell the demon in my head. “But if that were true why do you wish you were dead?” “I don’t know. I can’t explain. The loneliness? The emptiness? The never-ending pain?” One minute I feel alive, the next I wanna die. One minute I’m laughing, the next I wanna cry. What’s wrong with me? I ask the empty silence. Why do I look at peace but only see violence? I look at a bright smile but see a hidden frown. A newborn baby leads to a casket underground. A clear blue sky turns into a rainy night. A couple holding hands leads to a violent fight. My view only sees through dead rose shaded glasses. My failed attempt at joining the rank of the optimistic masses I accomplished my goals, I achieved my dreams! So why am I still ignorant to what happiness means? They say ignorance is bliss but how could this be? When your ignorant to happiness what does bliss really mean? Audiobooks, affirmations, meditation dvds Church, religion, I’ve tried all these things. Yet joy is something I cannot find When they removed part of my brain I lost my mind colorblind... I try to see in color but all that appears is black and white When depression is the aggressor I am powerless in this fight I try to psych myself up and declare I WILL win! But then the monster rears its ugly head again…

I was not trying to be rude. I just felt like my last post was about me expressing myself, my name, how I feel. Some of the comments just were not what I was expecting. I know we are all in this together and I appreciate the support I get from you guys since I dont get it anywhere else. The pep talks just aren't needed sometimes. When my brain chemistry is going wacky and I cant pull myself out of the dumps, I blog/post here because its an outlet for me to express myself when no one else (family) understands but sometimes you guys say the same things I would hear from my family or co-workers people who are on the outside looking in and when my brain chemistry is being wacky it makes it hard for me to really receive that advice as beneficial and sometimes makes me feel worse. Anyway all is well. Just wanted to clear that up. I appreciate you all and thank you for your support. Seizures I seen the neurologist here on Wednesday. It was perfect because he works in the epilepsy center but he also does sleep medicine. After explaining to the nurse, the resident in training, and the neurologist my whole medical history since I remember the seizures starting in 2nd grade, no one knew what is wrong with me. Its very hard to explain to someone how your brain feels especially when you're sleep half the time you experience it. The neurologist wants to do an EEG. I have to come to the hospital for about 3 days so they can monitor my brain waves while I sleep 2 nights. They are going to cut back my keppra to trigger the seizure (oh joy). I did get a couple questions answered. Diet does not really affect my body's response to keppra. Some seizure medicines are affected by diet but not keppra. So that explains why nothing happened after I ate a nothing for dinner but had a seizure the morning following the night I went out to the buffet for dinner. The dizziness sounds like auras to the neurologist. I heard about these before but have to do more research. If I do have any side effects from the keppra it will occur a few hours after taking my medicine (not randomly throughout the day). Keppra can worsen depression. Lamictal is a seizure medicine that helps mood. HOWEVER I am pretty sure lamictal is the the seizure medicine my neuro from Fayetteville switched me to when my wbc count was low. Remember the day I got dizzy in the car riding with my mom and couldnt stop crying because I felt like I was in an underwater dream the whole rest of the day? yeah no thanks. I'd rather be depressed than deal with the affects of switching to that medicine again. My e-stim machine is not causing the seizures so Im free to go back to doing it twice a day OT After I left the epilepsy/sleep center I went to OT. I explained to my new OT the lack of support and pessimism I have gotten from my OT pain management doc and insurance co back home. Hopefully she understands the umportance of keeping me motivated and not putting me down. I got a bit of bad news. She told me some of the contractions in my arm are permanent. The tendons have shortened permanently so my left side will never be like my right side again BUT Im young so I have time to make it better instead of letting it get worse. I believe moving and getting a fresh start has definitely helped. I no longer have to get agonizing botox just for insurance to approve 20 sessions of OT which consisted of me laying on the mat stretching for 45 mins while my OT works with 5 other patients and only pays me attention when shes reminding me I wont get better than this while stretching me to tears and making my tone worse. Here people actually have hope for me and I have so many alternatives (acupunctture, yoga, etc) that I didnt have in my hometown. My goal for therapy is just to normalize my arm and wrist by decreasing the tone. My fingers are so lose and I have e-stim for that. I feel like decreasing the tone in my wrist and arm is not only a easier goal than say "oh i wanna move my hand" but it will also be more visible wen I see how much my elbow has gotten straight and slowly straighten my wrist back. I am going to be doing therapy twice a week at 7am before work. I feel hopeful I can achieve my goal of straightening my elbow more even if I have to get an air splint and wear it at home while Im laying down. Therapy with her felt so good. She felt like a true friend. The slow stretches felt really good. Instead of feeling like my muscles were being stretched out, it felt like they'd been clenched for so long and could finally relax. I look forward to working with her.

i dont hate my life and im grateful for a lot of things i just hate how my arm/wrist/fingers look and i hate the way i feel self conscious about it. I used to think I looked normal but as the spasticity worsened over the years and now that I go out more I realized that I do not look normal. My arm is bent my wrist is bent my back is bent and I walk like Im tired 24/7 (which I am). Its not about trying to make myself happy. I can feel happy but that doesnt change the despair I feel about my arm.

Yesterday I had a moment at work where I was fighting back tears. First of all last week a customer asked me what happened to my hand and told me she noticed because she works at the hospital. As I told her why I couldn't get anymore therapy, I felt like I needed to keep looking. Even though my doctor and his nurse couldn't find any providers in Charlotte that will take my dad's insurance, and I searched the website and called a list of providers myself, I just knew there has to be a provider in this city that will take my dad's insurance. So I dug a little deeper and found one. I have an appointment next Wednesday right after my neurology appointment. (Had another minor seizure Tuesday morning. Still remained conscious just woke up from my sleep and felt nauseous and felt like my head was shaking. I thought it stopped but then it started again. Next time I looked at the clock I had been sleep for a hour. ) So back to work. I met a lady on Thursday who was looking for a inspirational book for her mom. I was trying to help her find Joel Osteen books because she said her mom listens to him a lot. Then she told me her mom just had a stroke. I honestly told her "lady I read all the time and there are no books that can make you feel better about having a stroke. I had a stroke when I was 12. Im 24 now. Sometimes even when you want to be happy you just cant. Our brains have been rewired unfortunately and I cant think of any book that has made me feel any better." I gave her the only Joel Osteen book I could find and I was not trying to be negative. I just wanted her to understand surviving stroke is a process and it may not be that simple to cheer her mother up especially since shes gone the last 66 years of her life as "a normal-brained person." So anyway back to why I felt like crying. I hate looking in the mirror. When Im at work I feel the public's eye drop down to my arm which refuses to straighten as Im using all my strength with my right arm to push the cart. Even when I try to use both hand to push I always feel like my hand is going to fall off so I move it. When I wear the wrist support people asks me what happened. When I dont wear the wrist support I feel like a freak show. I hear the announcer saying "look everyone not only cant she walk straight but her arm looks like a broken pole lamp. Come see this circus attraction!" Yesterday this girl that looked kind of "slow" asked me if my arm was okay. I told her yeah. She asked me if it just hurts. By this time I wanted to slap her in the face but I told her I had a stroke. She said awwww Im so sorry. I just stared at my computer screen and waited for her to walk away. I thought of this song "Caged Bird". My wings are my arms. Im tired of everyone looking at me. I just want to be able to spread my wings. I posted the video with lyrics and lyrics. I know you guys said Im no longer caged bird since I've accomplished so much but anytime I go into public I still feel like this... Right now I feel like a bird Caged without a key Everyone comes to stare at me With so much joy and rivalry They din't know how I feel inside Through my smile I cry They don't know what they're doin' to me Keeping me from flyin' That's why I say that I know why the caged bird sings Only joy comes from song She's so rare and beautiful to others Why not just set her free So she can Fly, fly, fly Spreadin her wings and her song Let her Fly, fly fly For the whole world to see She's like caged bird Fly, fly Ooh just let her fly Just let her fly Just let her fly Spread the wings Spread the beauty

Well the day after my last blog I had another "episode". I woke up that morning and started having a seizure. My whole body was shaking and I was out of it. Then when I looked at the clock again a whole hour had passed. I dont know if I fell back asleep, lost consciousness or what. The good news is it has not happened anymore. It seems like when I dont expect it to happen and dont think about it, it happens. but when im worried and scared to death of falling asleep nothing happens. I went home over the weekend and I was so worried it was going to happen since it has happened every single time I have gone home to visit since last November, but it didnt. I never really feel relieved though. Even when I am having a wonderful day I am still worried that my night could turn into a nightmare But the other good news is I finally got a referral from my doctor to see a neurologist here in Charlotte. My appointment is in 2 weeks. I have still been feeling dizzy in the daytime but I just try to block it out of my mind and it goes away. Sometimes I just start talking to someone at work, start looking around, whatever I can do to keep from focusing on the dizziness. I got my new brace on Friday. I love it. It is called the Noodle AFO. I also got some inserts in my shoes to lift my feet up so they wont roll in. I can see the difference. I like that it is made from carbon fiber and not the big white plastic with all the hinges and pieces that tear up my shoes, make so much noise, and draw so much attention. Now I only have the black strap right below my knee and the black bar that goes behind my leg. I am looking forward to wearing dresses and skirts without feeling self conscious. I go see the foot doctor on Friday. I want to know why my big toenail on my affected foot is still black! Now I have some good news. I spoke at a Youth event on Sunday. I had not spoke since after graduation when I got invited to a lot of churches and events to share my testimony. I was kind of nervous but everyone really enjoyed hearing me speak. The pastor even asked everyone to collect a special offering for me because he believes I should have my own ministry. It really made me feel good to make others feel good. I love to make people feel inspired. I hate to make them feel sorry for me. I have been trying to work on thinking about how far I've come and being thankful. Everytime I get in my car or open the front door to my apartment I try to feel happy because I remember when I was permanently denied of a license and trapped in my depressing bedroom at my dads house. I also decided to go ahead and buy my e-stim unit. The company was going to charge me $500 anyway since I've technically been renting it for 5 months so I decided to just but it for the $750. Its better than the $5000 bioness was going to charge me. I still hate they suckered me out of $540 to try it for 4 weeks but Im not going to start on that. Well I am sorry this is so long. I still have no cable and dont really have any friends to talk to so I started rambling.

I have been up since 3am. I did not fall asleep until 12am. I got in bed at 9:30 but it took me forever to get to sleep because I was trying to fall asleep wearing the splint. I remember taking it off before I finally fell asleep.) I had usual weird dreams but suddenly as I was laying on my back, I felt like I couldnt move. I began to panic and scream trying as hard as I could to move my body. Finally I woke up and went to the bathroom. I cant remember the dreams. I really wish I could because I remember they felt so real and it was like I knew something bad was about to happen. Was this just sleep paralysis? Was it a night terror? Was is a nocturnal seizure? I am very thankful I was delivered from seizures after the surgeries but these nocturnal seizures are the worst. When I was a kid I just got a headache, felt nauseous, spit til I thought I was going to throw up, and it was over. Now the memory loss, convulsions, soreness, etc is just so much worse. Its like Im possesed by a demon or something. I just cant figure out what is triggering it. I ate 3 meals yesterday, took my medicine, and was not sleep deprived. I know some of you said it could be diet and i know lack of sleep and stress can trigger parasomnia but like I said in my last post I see no correlation between my diet and the seizures and I've been trying to go to sleep before 12 and not taking daytime naps because it seemed like staying up late/waking up early and taking a nap had a correlation with the nighttime seizures. The only thing that has changed about my diet is I have not eaten meat (only seafood) in over a year so I guess I could have some kind of vitamin or protein deficiency? I really think I need a sleep study/ EEG though. If I were just having seizures I would be worried but since they only happen at night or as soon as I wake up (knock on wood) I cant help but think they have something to do with my sleep. The ONLY correlation Ive noticed is the nighttime seizures happen when Ive laid in bed all day or took a nap. I cant remember having one on nights after I've been out all day. But I primarily remember them happening on days when I dont leave the house and just lay in bed all day (like yesterday) I just dont understand why this crap did not start until I bought my dream car, moved out on my own, and started working my first permanent job. What did I do to deserve this? Like my life wasnt already difficult enough. Well guess I need to get ready for work before I accidentally fall back asleep and have another episode. Im so tired now

I have been wanting to blog so bad. I had no internet for the last 3 weeks because I moved to a new apartment. I have been really depressed, crying all the time and just feeling horrible. I keep reminding myself of all the great things I have that I didn't have before but its like my brain just doesnt care. I think its the keppra. My neurologist increased my dosage from 500 mg 2x a day to 750 2x a day. I've experienced loss of coordination and dizziness daily. So it makes sense to me that Im probably also experiencing the mood changes, sadness, irritability, depression, and anger that are also side effects. I just feel like such a failure in life and with no internet or cable to distract me these last few weeks, it has been rough. Having some friends or family here would help. I quit talking to the guy friend I talked about in my last entry. I thought about what happened and although he came to the hospital to check on me and drive me home after the seizure in March, the fact that he did not call to check on me after the seizure last month made me feel like he does not really care, Being alone to your thoughts with no one around to lift you up is the recipe for depression. I am going to my anxiety and depression support group tomorrow. I am glad I finally have internet again. I had a seizure Monday morning that last less than 30 seconds. It was so weird. As soon as I woke up and looked at the clock it started. I could still move and talk but it felt like something was taking over my brain and it felt like I was trembling or something. I'd had a nightmare a few days before that. At least I think it was a nightmare. I'd woke up really early. I started to feel sleepy but knew I had to get up for work soon so I did not want to fall asleep at all because I didnt want to experience parasomnia. I was just so tired so I closed my eyes. Next thing I know there was someone walking into my room. I heard constant chatter in my head like a crowd talking. It would not stop. Then I heard loud bangs like construction was going on and fireworks and gunshots more people started talking louder in my ear. In my mind I was getting upset because I could not sleep with all the noise. I threw something at the wall to see if it would make a noise and to find out if i was dreaming or awake. (Iater I woke up I didnt see anything on the floor so I guess I just dreamed I thew something at the wall.) I felt like I was shaking. I grabbed my head to see if I was having a seizure. Everything was shaking. My body was shaking. Since I had screamed for help but nothing came out when the noises woudn't stop, and my throat was hurting when I woke up, I dont know if it was a real seizure or just the parasomnia. I used to dismiss everything as parasomnia but ever since the real seizure, I never know whats happening in my sleep and if its real or a dream. Lately whenever Im laying on my back or left side, it feels like Im falling off a building while Im sleep and I jerk back to my right side. Sometimes I feel dizzy and wake up but I usually go right back to sleep. My neurologist whose known me for 5 years says its parasomnia and a psychological issue. My doctor here whose known me for less than a year thinks its seizures. I dont know what it is. I am just hoping the increase in my medicine will help. My sugar level is fine and it doesnt matter if I eat nothing at all or a restaurant meal before bed, what I eat and the occurence of the seizures dont seem to have an affect on each other so Im guessing its just a neurological issue.

I have known him for 6 months. He said he asked me if I was okay but I kept asking him who he was. He said when I was "crying" it was kind of like what his mom did when she went into diabetic shock. He said he didn't know if it was safe for him to be here since I didn't know who he was and he didn't call the ambulance because he didnt know if this is something that usually happens in my sleep (he doesnt usually stay over). I was upset that he just left me and didnt leave a note or anything but this is the same guy that came to see me in the ER when i passed out on Easter so I think he does care.

sorry to hear of Dan. Thank you for all the advice you gave me. His story and experiences really helped me as a survivor. Thank you Dan R.I.P