CagedBird

Stroke Survivor - female
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  1. CagedBird

    Changes

    By CagedBird,

    Thank you all for commenting on my last blog. A lot has changed since my last entry. I finished my job. Im back at school now. I will be graduating early in December :Clap-Hands: I like the dorm I stay in. I have been wearing my wrist support at night and each morning I wake and turn the light switch on using my left fist. I am also able to open the bathroom door, close it, and turn the faucet on and off with my hand in a fist. One morning I even brushed my teeth and ate my cereal with the help of my good hand I really need the use of my left hand. I want to be able to do more than one thing at a time. My bluetooth headset helps a great deal but I want to be able to flip channels on the tv and eat at the same time. I always thought I was supposed to wait until my fingers start moving but Im starting to realize they arent going to move unless I help them so I just pray I learn to use my left hand even though I cant open it up or move my fingers. I went to the pain management doctor. He told me to take 1 baclofen in the morning and 2 at night to help with the crazy spasms I get in my legs at night. He also wants to put me back on botox but I dont want it. Every time I go somewhere I try to remember to straighten my arm out instead of just letting it curl up. I dont need the botox. I can straighten my arm out without it: )
    Well on a sadder note, Phil dumped me 2 days ago. It hurt me so bad I cried forever. I did so much for him. When he would come visit I would one handedly dress him, wash him up, and everything. Does anyone realize how hard it is to take off and put a shirt on someone who can not sit up USING ONE HAND? Does anyone realize how hard it is to try to get a 150 pound man in a bed from a motorized wheelchair then lift him back into the chair USING ONE ARM? I even spent my money on getting him handicap accessible hotel rooms to stay in when he would come visit me. But to show his appreciation, he dumps me I feel like he was my first love and I still dont understand why he dumped me but I never want to love again. I never want someone to take my kindness for weakness. I never want to bend over backwards for someone to just break my heart. He would tell me he loves me everyday. He had just told me and we had just talked about our future after I graduate the day before he dumped me. Well I am going to stop venting now
    Thanks for reading
    I want to get back active on the boards but I have really been slacking on my schoolwork. Taking 18 credit hours for the last semester is a heavy load!
  2. CagedBird
    Life has been wonderful. In the past, on my birthday sometimes I would feel sad that Im a year older and still haven't gotten better. but this summer my birthday was filled with too much fun to feel sad. Ever since I typed my last entry, I have gone out to party with friends, went to the beach with friends, and took a road trip with a friend. I have spent time with family and I even have a new boyfriend. As I already said in my last update, I am so glad I am not depressed anymore. When I went to the club with friends, I did no care about dancing. I just sat at the table and enjoyed my first (and only) drink. When I went to the beach, it did not bother me that all of my girlfriends were splashing around in the water as I sat and could do nothing but watched. I was just happy to be soaking up the sun with my feet in the sand. (just had to watch out for the shells. those things hurt when you step on them!). I had an amazing time walking around downtown and getting icecream. I am thankful for friends who don't mind waiting for me and helping me.
    This weekend I also went on a road trip with my friend to see my new boyfriend. He lives about 2 and a half hours away. Those of you familiar with my post about online dating in the young stroke survivor forum, will be happy to know, I found my match His name is Phil and he doesnt care about me having a disability like that other loser did. Phil has muscular dystrophy so he uses a power wheelchair and needs assisance for certain tasks. Dating someone else with a disability is one of the best feeings in the world. He helps me and I help him. We both appreciate each other for the strength and perseverance we both exhibit. I don't have to worry about him feeling awkward around me, stopping him from having fun, or having a hard time trying to find something we both can do. We have so much in common and even though we cant/dont do some of the wild adeventurous things most people our age do, we still enjoy each other's company just sitting in the same room together talking.
    I only have 3 more weeks left at my job then I will be heading back to school. I want to start walking around the block in my neighborhood after work a few times a week. Last year it was hard adjusting to walking around campus in the heat after spending the summer sitting at desk in my air conditioned office 9 hours a day. I have already began getting muscle cramps in my leg and muscle tightness in my arm from sitting for such long hours. Any tips?
    btw, thank you all for all of your comments on my last blog It really meant a lot to me to read all of the cheers and celebration of my good news. On Wednesday I will be joining other local friends with disabilities fat the recreation center for food, speakers, and discussion in celebration of the 20th Anniversary of the Americans with Disabilities Act. I am looking forward to mingling with other people with disabilities and advocates for people with disabilities to celebrate our differences and the ADA which gives us the freedom to live an independent and abundant life!
  3. CagedBird
    No more depression!!! I am so thankful I am not depressed anymore. I get upset. I get sad. Sometimes I write blogs when I am upset or make topics on the board when I am discouraged but believe it or not I am actually not depressed. I smile a lot and I laugh at the simplest things. I have many simple pleasures like drinking a cup of coffee before work or watching a family movie by myself on a Friday night. Its actually pretty easy to make myself feel happy. But years ago, this was not the case. When I first joined the board, I was depressed. High school was the most depressing 4 years of my life. I found out that I would never be able to drive. Every job I applied for turned me down because of my disability. My dad made too much income for me to get SSI. I had no friends. My self esteem was terribly low because I felt like no guys liked me. I went through so much during that time. but today I can look back and be thankful my entire world changed. Thanks to facebook, I have hundreds of friends lol I know so many guys who like me that I learned how to raise my standards and actually be picky over who I date. I finally got my permit. And not only do I get SSI, but I also work every summer thanks to a program for college students with disabilities. Because of my disabilities, I will most likely get a career working with the federal government after graduation. My disabilities motivate me to do my best in school to show people I am more than the girl who limps around campus. Thanks to my status, everyone refers to me as the smart girl instead of the disabled girl. My walking has gotten so much better that people only ask if I hurt myself now. People used to think I got in a car accident. Today, people have actually asked me did I hurt my leg playing sports! which is funny because I can;t even play sports lol I have learned to love me for who I am which is a strong, determined, beautiful, smart young lady who has a good head on my shoulders. I am so much more than a survivor. I am a conqueror. I have learned to accept my differences and take pride in them because they make me who I am. If I did not endure struggles each day, I would not be as strong as I am today. It is my innovative creative mind and strong will that makes me proud to be the woman I am today. Thank you stroke for giving me a uniqueness that not many people get the privilege to possess!
    I hope everyone enjoyed this entry. You guys always have words of inspiration for me so I just wanted to give back
  4. CagedBird
    well i just decided to type some stuff in here for my own memories since i don't really get many comments anymore. I appreciate those of you who still comment hough. Well I was discharged from PT shortly after my last entry because my medicaid ran out. I was kind of sad and disappointed. I felt like I had made no progress. Fortunately, I took a 6 minute walk around the hospital and just seeing the stroke survivors and spinal cord injury patients laying in bed and rolling around in wheelchairs, reminded me that that used to be me a couple of years ago. Its good to know I got better since my stroke. I just wish it didnt feel like I have come to a halt in recovery. I got a new leg brace but it is so big and bulky that I dont even wear it much. I also got another hand splint. Lastnight was the first night I slept all through the night without it falling off my hand. The only bad thing is it took me about an hour to get it on and my fingers are still jammed up under the velcro straps and not straightend out. I find myself focusing on my hand more in the summer time because I have more free time from school and I notice my hand more. I try moving my fingers and straightening my wrist but it just will not do it. In my mind it feels so easy. I know I have faith. I concentrate as hard as I can but nothing happens. That is the recipe for disappointment . Luckily I started my internship this week so I dont have to deal with the leg, foot, and thigh spasms from laying in bed being lazy all day. On the bad side, now I have to deal with cramps and spasms in my shoulder frpm sitting at my office desk for 8 hours a day. Speaking of school, I did well on my finals all of course. I am ready to graduate in December but very much afraid of being out there "in the real world." I love my internship. I work at the law enforcement office for the largest military base in the country (fort bragg of course). It is very exciting and rewarding. Times like this I am glad I have a disability. I am so thankful for the program for college students with disabilities! I was thinking about writing a poem about how thankful I am and how much I love my imperfections but I havent had time to sit down and think about it. When I finish it I will share. Well I have to get up at 5am for work so I guess this is all
  5. CagedBird
    I straightened out my thumb. Amazed, I began to try to straighten my fingers. One by one I heard my brain tell each finger to straighten. I held my breath as I strained to straighten them out one by one then altogether. I put my hands together and made a joyful noise. I clapped my hands to give thanks for this miracle I'd only seen in my dreams. It felt so real. I thought to myself wow all the exercise I did earlier today finally paid off, physically therapy has given me my life back!
    Now this is only a memory. A memory that popped into my head yesterday. It was all a dream. It never happened. When I first began having these dreams about 3 years post-stroke, they were great. I remember dreaming about me running and doing things pre-stroke. Back then the dreams were motivations, reminders that there is still hope. Now the dreams are just disappointments. Just a memory in time that will forever stay stuck in a dream. A cruel reminder of the harsh realities that I face everyday each time I try to move my fingers just like in the dreams but nothing happens.
    It seems so absurd how I can do a million and one things with my right hand, but my left hand is useless. Its as if its not even a part of my body. I exercise it, straighten it, wear my brace all day but nothing. Its a lost cause.
    I go to physical therapy twice a week. I have been optimistic. I really am trying. I go into the gym with an open mind and closed mouth. (I am not allowed to complain.) I get through every exercise in the duration of the 60 minutes of torture as I call it. Yet, when I leave I do not feel like my balance has improved, my leg doesn't feel stronger. I feel tired, worn, sore. Somehow I find the strength to walk to the rest of my classes, get dinner at the dining hall, and back across the street to my apartment. I get back to my room to find a yellowish red stain on the back of my sock. My brace has been sticking in the back of my leg all day each time I step down and put a gash in my leg. The burn of the first aid spray brings tears to my eyes but I take the pain and bandage the back of my leg. I spend the weekend not enjoying the fun in the sun, or seeing the premiere of the newest movie in town, but sitting in my room. I am too tired to walk around the mall, my leg hurt too bad to go to the beach, my allergies stop me from going to the park, and my rude awakening of reality has made it difficult for me to enjoy a movie created by hollywood. So I sit in my room waiting on my dream to come true...
  6. CagedBird
    Right now I am not happy. I am not sad. I just wanted someone to talk to so I decided to blog. Right now I am on Spring break. My dad is supposed to be taking me out of town for a vacation this weekend but until then I will be working on papers. My youngest brother had his first son about a month ago. I became an aunt for the 6th time. It sounds cute but I just want the baby to stop crying every night and waking me up every morning with his loud screams! Needless to say, this "spring break" has not been relaxing at all. Even if I finish 5 papers this week, I still have 5 more papers to do before the end of the semester. But on the bright side, I will be graduating in December (a whole semester early.) Besides being swamped with work and coordinating educational programs for students on campus, I have just been hanging in there.
    I did community service about a month ago at a Veterans Rest home. I met a man who had a stroke. I shared my story with him. He told me I was too young and pretty to have a stroke. Then he said he used to think he was too rough and tough to have a stroke. I wish I could go visit him again. Even though he was much older than me, it still felt good to be face to face with someone who could only use their right hand also. I enjoyed helping him play bingo. It was actually therapeutic for me also by making me scan the cards where my left field vision did not register.
    I also hung out with a friend from school. He had one leg amputated but now he has a prosthetic so he can walk. I like hanging out with him. It feels good to be able to make handicap jokes with each other without either one of us feeling offended. He reminds me how lucky we are to have a gift that other people dont, how special and strong we are to have been through what we experienced.
    I got a pedicure today. I like pedicures. They make me feel normal. I cant wear heels or most sandals or get my nails done but I can get pedicures Not only do they make my feet feel better but they make me feel cool in some kind of way.
    Over the weekend I went out of town with my sorority sisters to a party. Even though I dont listen to rap music and I dont dance, it still made me feel kind of cool to be at the party. One of the girls there even grabbed both of my hands and danced with me. It felt so great. I would have never danced by myself. It was something about her grabbing BOTH of my hands in the air that made me feel like I didnt look so bad dancing after all. Thank God I was able to walk around the dark gym and through the big crowds without tripping and falling. Hanging out with the big girls definitely made me feel good. It was better than spending the night alone in my apartment wishing I could do what everybody else could. For once I experienced what it felt like to be a college student out on a friday night Dont worry aunties I did not engage in the smoking, drinking, or promiscuity.
    Well I am going to get ready for bed now. I have to finish these papers tomorrow. Hopefully my dad will take me on a vacation this weekend and hopefully it will be worth it because Monday I have 4 classes, physical therapy, and a dentist appointment, among other things.
    Goodnight
    Goodnight
  7. CagedBird

    Staying Busy

    By CagedBird,

    Thank you all for your comments to my last entry. Earlier this week I had a break down. I got a bad grade in my class and it just made me feel really stupid and dumb. To make matters worse, not having a significant other didnt help because I had no one to lift me up when I was sad. I was so busy the following day with school that I just cried and cried the whole rest of tthe day. Fortunately, I did something I have never done before. I got tired of devoting ALL of my time and energy to school. It was bringing me down and making me so depressed. SO After my classes and meetings, I went to the counselor and talked to her until the sun went down. Then I went to my sorority sisters' apartment and hung out with them. A couple days later, Iwent to a basketball game with them and today one of my sisters took me shopping. It feels so great! A lot of times I get depressed because I am constantly doing schoolwork and when I am not doing work I am sitting alone in my room thinking sad thoughts and wishing I could just be like everyone else and have fun. I am so thankful for my sisters though. Hanging out with them allowed me to take a break from my schol work. and to my srprise I have not even fallen behind in my work! Hanging out with them also made me feel like i CAN have fun. I CAN do things. Watching the basketball game and shopping at the mall were things I havent done in a very long time but it made me feel really good to feel apart of something. I love how they include me and don't make me feel like Im different.
    In other news, I went to the doctor on Wednesday. Instead of putting me back in OT, he is going to put me in PT to work on my knee and see what type of AFO they suggest. He also talked about giving me botox again so I guess I will have more to update on that in a couple of more months. Well I have to cut this short because I have a lot of work to do but thanks again for all of the support.
  9. CagedBird

    Overwhelmed

    By CagedBird,

    I feel so overwhelmed right now. I don't know what to do. Ever since Oct, I have been concentrating on my arm more. My toes dont really bother me and people say my limp is not so noticeable. but my arm has really been bothering me. I guess it is a mixture of my 8 year stroke anniversary, the upcoming new year, and the cold weather. It makes me want to do better. I just wish I could see some progress. As I stated in my last entry, I am out of school right now so I have been concentrating more on my arm. (By the way, I was the 3rd person from the left in the picture wearing the blue shirt and black pants. My right arm was doing the sign and my left arm was bent). Anyway, usually when I am on a break from school I get sad and depressed but this time I have not. I have friends to hang out with and I am supposed to be traveling to Georgia after Christmas. Instead of feeling sad, I have felt slightly motivated and determined to make my fingers moved and straighten my arm. but this has backfired on me. The other night I put my hand splint on and tried to go to sleep. I told myself I would not take it off until I fell asleep. It would be my first step in recovery. If I could make it through that night, I could begin to wear it every night, stretch out the muscles, wear it in the daytime (for 2 hour increments), and with a little faith and exercise my arm would be straight, my wrist would be straight, and my fingers wouldnt hurt anymore. BUT, I could not keep the splint on. After crying and praying for an hour, I decided I just could not fall asleep in so much pain and took it off. Later I read a label that said the splint should only be applied by a trained professional. On top of that, I can not find my other wrist support that Im supposed to wear when not wearing the splint. It just feels like the odds are stacked against me. Therapy did not work, botox did not work, the baclofen doesnt really make a difference, and home exercises just seem painful and pointless. I just feel so overwhelmed like no matter what I try, it does not work. So I went to church. What I understand from the church is all I need is faith. but this makes me beat myself up even more. How do I acquire this magical belief which makes anything happen if you just want it bad enough? Its so easy to just say this is how I will be for the rest of my life and just accept it and live with the depression. but it is so hard to say I have faith that I will regain strength in my weaknesses when you see know progress and no results. Did I mention the DMV medical review board denied me of a license again? After my doctor recommended I get a license and I passed the driver's test, I still got denied. Once again, no matter how hard I try, I never get what I want when it comes to the stroke. I just feel like whats the point in trying if its never going to happen? but at the same time everytime I do exercise, pray, have faith, e.t.c, I never see progress. It all makes me so overwhelmed!
    I know you all like to remind me of the good things in life and my grades and stuff but I dont need those reminders right now. I am not depressed. I am thankful for the good things in life. I just feel overwhelmed like Im so close to my dream but I just dont know what else to do to get there.
  10. CagedBird
    Since my last entry, I have been really trying to go to church more and get closer to God. I found a new church that I have been visiting. I love it. The people are so friendly and I feel right at home. My church is a holiness pentecostal church so everyone gets the holy ghost and there is a lot of dancing and clapping which makes me feel left out and like I cant really praise God like everyone else. but at the new church i have been visiting it is non-denominational and it is a mixed congregation so its not predominantly gospel music and I can just lift my hand or sway side to side and it feels great because I don't feel bad anymore. The pastor has been preaching about joy. One thing I learned from him is that earthly things can not bring you joy, they can only bring you temporary happiness. and don't concentrate on one thing because God can bless you in other ways. I have mostly everything I want but when I pray I cant help but think of my stroke. I always pray that I will be able to clap my hands in church one day but maybe God is telling me I dont have to clap my hands to praise him? I pray that I will walk straight but maybe God is saying me walking with a limp is testimony and encouragement for others? I dont know what to pray. Do I pray for acceptance that this is the way I will be until God is ready to change me? Or do I pray for faith that with exercise and healing from God one day I will be able to do the things I pray for? I really don't know. I am out of school now for my break and I am trying not to get depressed (as I always get depressed when I sit idle thinking of negative thoughts). so lately I have been looking at my arm a lot. I concentrate so much on it. My limp isnt so bad. Most people ask me if I got hurt so Im guessing I dont walk like I had a stroke. My vision cant be fixed since it is brain nerve damage and nothing wrong with my actual eyes. but my arm really gets on my nerves. Not only can I not use my hand but I cant even straighten out my wrist or my arm when I walk especially during cold weather. Here is a pic. (I am wearing blue and black)

    This is a picture of me and my sorority sisters at their graduation yesterday. When I see the pic I should think of my sisters, graduation, happiness, smiles. but when I look at it all I can see is my arm. I hate to remind myself that my arm looks like this to everybody. I cant feel it and I cant see it since its on my left side so I never realize what it looks like to other people but looking at this pic made me really sad. I knew my arm is not completely straight all the time but I never realized it looked like that and what makes it so bad is it was 40 degrees that day so I couldnt straighten it out if I wanted to because it was so stiff. I just dont know what to do. I put my wrist in the brace but my fingers hurts when I take it out and its so hard to get it on that its just frustrating. I try to straighten my arm when I walk but I guess I cant do two things at once because it always make me lose my balance. When I go to the doctor the only thing he can suggest is botox but I hate getting botox because it is so painful and I never see the benefits. I am starting to question this baclofen I have been taking for two years now too. I dont see what difference it is making. I guess I should just pray that God gives me the ability to accept myself the way I am. I just dont want to feel like Im settling and giving up because I know that he has the power to heal and deliver. What do you guys pray?
  11. CagedBird

    hate

    By CagedBird,

    im really upset right now. i was studying but i couldnt hold the book open and take notes at the same time. i turned the tv off because i was tired of seeing people living my dreams. why cant i put my hair up like the lady on tv? why cant i wear the high heels? i cant walk like her. i got so upset i threw the remote threw the books and threw my brush. its just frustrating. its like being the dumbest kid in the school. everyone is better than me. they all have something i want that i will never be able to get. i just cant even remember how it feels to use my hand to walk straight, to see in my peripheral. its soo frustrating. when i get to feeling this way what do i do? i dont have a bestfriend, i dont have a boyfriend. my other friends are not close to me so i cant talk to them about personal things. i dont want to talk to God because I will only end up complaining. all i can do is blog which usually makes me feel worse and doesnt give me any immediate relief since i have to wait for comments to my entry. i wish i could just feel how it feels to be non-stroke. how is it that i do so much with my right hand but my left is useless. i know people who had stroks when they were 2 and stroke when they was 32 and they bth walk better than me. why can i do it in my dreams but i cant do it in real life? my grandma asked me if i have been exercising my arm. i wanted to tell her to put a sock in it. it doesnt matter how much i exercise. IM BRAIN DAMAGED FOR LIFE. that will never change. the only thing i can do is move my leg just enough to walk. and i dont even walk right. i cant do anything right. i feel so discouraged. im graduating next year but i cant go anywhere. i been thinking about grad school for the longest but tonight i dont even care. i cant live on my own. i cant drive. i cant even push the buggy in the grocery store or hold my clothes when shopping. how will i ever live independently? i just hope i die soon so i can finally see what its like to be prestroke again.
  12. CagedBird
    wow I haven't blogged in so long everything looks so different. So much has happend; some good some bad. I guess I will start with the bad first. Last weekend I had my biggest break down since ...I can't remember. It was my fall break so I was supposed to go home, take a break, and spend time with my family. However, it was also my stroke anniversary. I knew if I would have gone home, being in that same room in that same house that I tried to harm myself at so many times, that room I shed so many tears in, I did not want to go back. I hate being stuck at home on my stroke anniversary because it just brings back horible memories. So instead I stayed in my apartment on campus. but all my roommates went home and my ex boyfriend dumped me on the first day of the break. Ouch. I cried all weekend. I even started a blog but I did not finish it because my head was hurting from crying. It was basically a hate letter to stroke naming all the things I cant do that I wish I could. What made things worst of all was that I had no one to talk to or hang out with to divert my attention from thinkig about my stroke, thus, I felt even worse. Do you ever get so frustrated you just want to move your paralyzed limb SO bad and you sit here and try and try and ry but NOTHING happens! That is the worst feeling. Needlesss to say, I had a horrible fall break. I did write a poem though after it was over. It's called "One Wish."
    If I had one wish I'd go back in time
    to 10/17/01, so clear in my mind.
    Id watch music videos that day and do one last dance
    I'd go to revival at church that night and clap my hands.
    I'd play tennis at the park, then go swimming
    When it looked like it was getting dark, I'd restart the day from the beginning
    I'd buy a pair of flip flops and walk around in them all day
    Do cartwheels and ride bikes with neighbors outside as we play
    jump on the trampolene and race with my friends
    pray to God this day never ends.
    I'd play handgames with my cousins, then we'd do our nails
    Feel the texture of my hair, put it in ponytails.
    Play basketball with my brother and videogames all day
    put my hands together when I got on my knees that night to pray.
    You see, after that night, my life would never be the same
    A week in intensive care, 8+ surgeries on the brain.
    a month at UNC then a month at Cape Fear,
    the docs told me I'd be back to normal in a year.
    6 months in rehab and the only thing I learned to do was walk
    now 8 years later, my progress has come to a halt
    I wish it I knew I was getting better,
    but the docs tell me this is as good as I well get.
    well docs I may not be perfect, but God isn't finished with me yet!
     
    Now time for the good news. Well I spoke at a Disability Employment Awareness Month luncheon. I talked about how well I was treated at my job over the summer and how I was not discriminated because of my disabilities. The luncheon really made me feel good to be in a room full of people who are Department of the Army civilians who look up to me! They have all the success that I want, yet they admire me. It made me feel really awesome
     
    Oh yeah I made all As on my midterms. I know I am putting this under the good news section but this had me down too. Its like I bust my butt trying to make straight As to make everyone proud and its like nobody even cares. Its like I do so well at everything I do, that people just expect me to do great. I also got an award for undergraduate of the year in the state of North Carolina for my sorority but once again all I got was a congratulations. I jst wish I got more than a pat on the back for such big accomplishments. Well I am just going to stop at that. I have to get up early in the morning. It is Homecoming and I will be riding in the parade again in less than 8 hours so goodnight.
  13. CagedBird

    Finally Got a Break

    By CagedBird,

    Hello everyone,
    This has been a very busy month. I will start by saying I finished work on August 7th. I was so sad to leave. My co-workers showered me with gifts, plaques, and certificates. I felt really appreciated but sad that I had to leave such a great group of caring people who did not judge me because of my disability. The following Monday I moved back on campus and was an orientation leader for 2 weeks altogether 121 hours. I was so exhausted because I was working with the freshmen all the way until class started. Ever since class started I have been super busy even on days I dont have class. I had 4 test just this week and it has been very hectic trying to get everything straightened out for the 4 clubs I hold offices in. Pretty soon I will be starting on research with my professors to fulfill my Honors requirement. Atleast I got my community service requirement out of the way though. Besdes falling at the pep rally as some of you all remember from my post, I have been pretty good for the most part. I have a lot of fun hanging out with my sority sisters and fraternity brothers. The cafeteria took trays away so it helps to always have a table of people to sit with at lunch because someone always helps me carry my trash to the garbage. My boyfriend is in college now about 2 hours away so we are taking a break from our relationship after 8 months but it gives us both time to study more. I have not had time to practice driving but my neurologist is filling out my papers now and I have to have them back to the Medical Review Board by the 17th. My pain management doctor decided not to put me on botox and OT this time around but he did get me a new splint for my hand. It is called comfy splint. It has this terrycloth material on it so it doesnt hurt but it is very hard to put it on by myself so I do not wear it much. Well I have to get ready to go to the football game and do community service with my sorority but thanks everyone for your support and concern. I shall enjoy the rest of my labor day weekend
  14. CagedBird

    Guess what?

    By CagedBird,

    I did it! I passed the road test today! I have also been driving myself home from work everyday at rush hour taking the freeway. I have become really good at driving. It really helps not having my dad constantly yelling at me anymore but it is still tons of pressure driving his 2007 envoy. Now all I have to do is get my docs to complete the medical report and pray that the DMV lets me get my license. I can't really celebrate yet. Last year my docs completed the medical form and the DMV denied me which is why I had to drive there and have a hearing. I know for a fact my primary physician does not want me to drive so I have a feeling he is the main reason I got denied. Now Im trying to figure out how I can get the cool docs (who actualy know I am capable of driving) to fill out majority of the paperwork. Since I have been driving for a year and no wrecks and I passed both written and road test, I do not see why I should get denied of a license again.
    Other than driving, I have still been working. My last day is Friday. I am supposed to move back on campus on Monday for the orientation leaders but I dont think Im going to do it. I already have an appointment with the brace maker for a new AFO and the pain management doc on move in day. I really did want to be an orientation leader but at the same time I have these doctors I need to try to see before school starts back. The orientation instructor said I could be excused for the appointments but at the same time I dont want to be overdoing it, I havent told my dad yet, I need to get in more practice driving, I need somewhat of a break, and all of my sorority sisters dropped out of the orientation leadership so I possibly wont know a lot of people there. In addition to that, my boyfriend is moving 2 and a half hours away for college the day after I start classes and if I am an orientation leader I will have no time to spend with hm before he leaves. I think I should just spend the next two weeks to take a break.
    Well I think that is about it for now. I will probably make another entry after I see the pain management doc.
    Thankseveryone for all your love and suppot
  15. CagedBird
    Today I went to the DMV for my re- evaluation. I thought it was going to be just updating my medical records but to my surprise I had to take the road test. I was a nervous wreck, my dad had really upset me and discouraged me as always, and I started to feel like driving was too hard. To make a long story short, I passed the brake-response test, I backed up in a straight line, I even parallel parked, but the driver instructor claims I rolled a stop sign therefore I failed the test. I only passed 2 stop signs and I specifically remember the type of cars I watched go pass me when I stopped. I think my not passing the vision test had a lot to do with her decision even though the headquarters already have said my vision is acceptable. I was really fustrated because I used up all of my leave time from work to take that test today and my nerves were wrecked after so much pressure and my dad tearing me down during practicing. but I have to go back in 2 more weeks and take the test again, then I have to set up apppintments with all of my doctors to get them to fill out another medical evaluation, then I dont know what happens. This whole process is just so fustrating. I have been trying to drive for the past 3 years but I guess nothing in life is easy.
    In other news, I had been feeling down a lot since my last entry. I just get these urges to clap my hands, scratch the excema on my right arm, and I just really want to feel something with my hand. Its even hard for me to fall asleep at night because I just want my arm to be straight and my wrist to stop making my fingers curl. It just feels like I just had my stroke last week like Im trying to get used to this all over again. I dont know where all this has come from. I even try to exercise but it only hurts more. I try to put my arm in the brace but I get so tired and frustrated trying to straighten my hand and hold my wrist down. I've cried a lot lately and prayed just wondering if God is going to wait until I make it to heaven to finally answer my number 1 prayer. If anyone knows how it feels, some empathy would help please.
  16. CagedBird

    Busy summer

    By CagedBird,

    I have been very busy. Some good times and some bad. A friend of mine from college died in a car accident and it was my first time going to a wake. It was very difficult and painful. I cried all night. But I have my new niece to be thankful for. She was born on Wednesday. I am an aunt for the 3rd time and I will be an aunt again in August I got a chance to spend time with my grandparents and family on Father's ay and my bestfriend/cousin even started talking to me again. She apologized for letting her boyfriend come between us. He was telling her lies about me. I forgave her but I really dont want to be her friend anymore. I am just glad she stopped ignoring me so I could open her eyes and show her the truth. Work has been going pretty good. I got my first paycheck last week and all I have to say is WHY TAXES? there was atleast $200 taken out of my check for taxes. I understand the need to pay taxes. I just wish it wasnt so much! I love working but sometimes I wish I was not working full time. The program that Im in lasts until september 30 but I plan to leave on August 7th which sucks because I just found out I am going to be an orientation leader for the incoming freshmen. Training starts on Monday, August 10 and lasts all week, the actual orientation week begins the monday after that when the freshmen get there, and school starts the week after that! I am glad that I am working because I enjoy it, Im getting paid big bucks working for the federal government, and its better than sitting at home bored watching tv and wasting time on the computer all day and night. but I do wish I had a longer break. Luckily, I have had my boyfriend to hang out with on weekends. I did community service and hung out with my sorority sisters this week and today my boyfriend and I went to the beach. I plan to go to a concert in July so I have been having fun. I just wish it was more play than work sometimes. I still have to see my pain management doctor, get a new AFO, and try to get off my seizure meds or get it switched to stop the constipation. Well I got to clean up my room. I have yet to clean it since I got out of school. Thanks for the compliments on the last entry
  17. CagedBird
    I feel so blessed. I had my first birthday party in 5 years lastnight. My sorority sisters took me out to eat at a restaurant and gave me card cake and baloons. I even got a birthday hat and the things you blow to make the noise. I cant think of what it's called. On Friday, my co-workers took me out to eat, gave me a card, and the boss let me leave an hour early. Today I plan go out to eat for the 3rd time! My boyfriend wants to take me to this restaurant and I think we will go bowling. I have been shopping everywhere since Friday so I think it's time we do something else! lol I had been sad lately missing my bestfriend as always and dreading my boyfriend leaving for college in August. But I just had to stop and be thankful for the new people in my life. My boyfriend has really been an angel in place of my bestfriend. I am thankful that I have him to talk to and spend time with when I could be sitting at home bored because I no longer have a best friend to hang out with. And my sorority sisters are awesome. They truly are my sisters and I think God sent them to me to keep me from going crazy because he already knew my bestfriend would hurt me.
    I am thankful more than ever this year. In the past I always cried on my birthday or felt sad because I prayed for something the prior year that did not come about. I guess I had a pessimistic view of the previous year. but I have beat myself up enough these last couple weeks about mistakes I made and answered prayers. Today it's time to look at the bright side. I have accumulated a lot of blessings this past year that I always prayed for. I finally have sisters to keep my mind off my old bestfriend, I have the greatest boyfriend to keep my mind off the guys who hurt me, I have more clothes and shoes than ever and a beautiful bedroom, I have the best job any 20- yeard old could ask for, I have a lot of people who love and care about me (and I realize that), I kept my grades up again this past year, I did not get any bad news about my health, I got my permit, and most of al I lived to see 20 years of my life when there was a time it was thought I wouldn't live past 12. I want to thank my strokeboard family also. Thank you for showing me how to close my eyes and appreciate the good even when the bad is staring me in the face, thank you for reminding me of what a wonderful person I am in the mist of my flaws.
    Oh yeah Jesse graduated on Thursday. He was valevictorian. Here is a picture of us after gaduation. (The wind blew my hair in my face)

  18. CagedBird

    Work

    By CagedBird,

    I started working on Tuesday. I was nervous at first but the people I work with are really nice. One of my employees is disabled too. I don't want to pass judgement and I haven't built up the nerve to ask him what happend but just from observation, he has a speech impediment. It takes him a long time to get his words out and he talks loud. He also can only drink from a straw and I notice he can't straighten his fingers out and has little control of his ankles when he walks. Hopefully one day soon we will get the chance to share stories. But as I was saying, I like the job. I even have my own office and phone number. The office I work for counsels civilians when they feel like they are being discriminated against or sexually harassed on the job primarily individuals with disabilities, women, and minorities. We also educate supervisors about how to avoid discrimination and help individuals with disabilities get accomodations on the job. So I never have to worry about being discriminated because of my disability and they have already ordered the one-handed keyboard for me to try out. In an effort to promote diversity, yesterday we had an Asian Pacific American Awareness Heritage event. It was a lot of fun. I seen hawaiian dancers, tahitian dancers, and even samoan dancers. I had a great time. Now I am exhausted though! As if a 32 hour work week wasn't enough, I had to get up at 6am this morning to go out of town for a state meeting for one of the clubs Im in. I am trying to rest some before Monday though. For some reason I am having problems using the bathroom again so please pray for me.
    As promised I have the prom picture

    I think Im going to take a nap now.
  19. CagedBird

    Summer Break

    By CagedBird,

    Thanks for all of the positive comments on my last entry. I have more good news. I made all As! It was so hard but it was worth it. I was so proud of myself for making so many accomplishments this year. I start working on Tuesday. I am looking forward to meeting other people with disabilities. Every day I am thankful. It's like God has answered all of my prayers. I finally have a lot of friends, sisters, perfect grades, a boyfriend who cares about me, a job as well as SSI, and I am eligible to get my license in Jjuly. I remember when I though that because of my disabilities, I would never get any of these things and now I have all of them :-) I was elected vice president and queen for the National Cuncil of Negro Women, corresponding secretary for the Sociology Club, and I plan to run for President of the Criminal Justice Honor Society, and historian of my sorority next semester while taking 2 honors classes and doing research. Therefore I am doing a lot of planning this summer. I also want to do something for the Association of Individuals with disabilities. I have been trying to get the club going since my freshmen year but no avail. There is a blind professor I see walking around and I want to see if he would be interested in helping me with the club. He always runs into things so I wish there was something I could do for him without offending him.
    but life hasen't been the best lately. Now that I am out of school, I've had nothing to keep me busy while waiting fo work to start. My bestfriend has been ignoring me again because she thinks I told her boyfriend a secret. I wrote a poem about her back in December if anyone remembers. She blocked me from her phone, myspace, and facebook and didnt even tell me why. So it has been really hard adjusting to not having her to talk to and hang out with now that I finally have free time out of school. I have broken down a couple times just reflecting on how much she used to be there for me and now she won't even answer her phone when I call because of some boy. She doesn't even realize that I have never done anything to break up our friendship, if anything I wanted it to go back to the way it was when we were close before he came in the picture. Then there is always the time I have to sit around and feel bad. Without her, I have no one to tell my thoughts to. Ofcourse I have new friends but its not the same as when I could tell her anything. When my wrist starts hurting, I try to move my hand but it doesnt respond, or practicing driving gets frustrating, I can do nothing but sit her and cry one because of the problem at hand and 2 because I don't have her to tell about it. Well I guess that is all for now. I will update about work next week and prom pictures will be coming soon of Jesse's prom.
  20. CagedBird
    Well I have lots of good news. First I am done with OT. The botox really help and I don't see my doctor again until August. I asked the doc what is the point in exercising if the damage is in my brain and its permanent and he reminded me basically if it doesn't get better, it might get worse. So I am going to start exercising!
    I am NOT going to China. The guy in charge felt I was not healthy enough which I felt was somewhat discriminatory seeing as how my intelligence got me in the program but my disabilities got me denied at the last minute. This motivated me to write a poem:
    Why must the shadows of doubt consume their face
    When I tell them I refuse to come in 2nd place?
    Why must they question my assurance repeatedly
    as if they know my health better than me?
    They must not know my mentality?
    They must not see God's plan for me?
    Do I have to play sports to
  21. CagedBird
    I had to go to the hospital on Sunday. I just got out yesterday and am still recovering. I had a bleeding hemorrhoid that protruded and lost a lot of blood. My blood pressure had goin down to 80 something over 40 something. I plan to go back to school on Monday. The cause of all of this is my seizure medication. The Keppra I take causes constipation, hence the hemorrhoid. I plan to see my neurologist this summer about weaning me off the keppra or switching medications since I have not had a seizure in almost 5 years. Before that happend, everything was okay. I have been working hard in all of my classes and still found time to have fun when my boyfriend and I went to a stepshow. The botox really loosened my wrist up so therapy was not as painful. I just wish my wrist would straighten out on its own I have no movement in it and I hate feeling like OT is a waste of time. I wish I could just wake up one day and have control over my arm wrist and fingers. Anyone ever heard of a story like that? Well I have to catch up on some work that I have missed this week then get some rest. I hope this entry was not as depressing. (I cant really complain about school because I havent been there in a week)
  22. CagedBird

    Acceptance

    By CagedBird,

    It's not called giving up. It is called acceptance. That is what I decided to do. Accept things for the way they are and stop crying over spilled milk. Dont think I am giving up. Im just realizing that I cant always get what I want no matter how hard I try. All I can do is try. I actually tried to think of all the thigs I would do if I was ambidextrous and to my surprise there was only a few things I could think of that I cant do using one hand. I still dont like my limp but I guess its not so bad since I dont have to see it and I have tried to convince myself that people are only staring because Im so beautiful. My stroke was so long ago that I realized I cant remember what it was like prestroke. I was a kid in the 6th grade. Now I am a grown woman in college. Life wasent all that great for me before I had my stroke neither so I dont ever want to go back to that. I have just accepted that if it is in God's plan for me to walk without a limp, one day I will limp no more, just as it took me 3 months to learn to walk and 3 years to learn to walk without popping my knee back. and if I do live with a limp then so be it. Im thankful that I can walk and I do thank God for that ability everyday no matter how much I complain about my limp in the blogs. As for my vision, I might not be able to see everyone but atleast I might get my license this year and I believe God compensates for my vision everyday when I cross the 4 lane highway back and forth from my apartment to the campus when walking so I have faith that he will continue to keep me safe on foot or in a car. Lastly as for my hand, I have accepted it. One thing I like about the winter time is I can wear big jackets so my bent arm isnt as noticeable and as I said before, Ive learned to do so much with my right hand that sometimes I forget about my left one. Also, my index finger has been really lose lately and I remembered my ot saying the index finger would most likely be first to move so maybe it will start moving as impossible as it seems. I have been wearing the splint to help my wrist and my boyfriend's massages have loosened my shoulder so much that I can move my left arm with ease! maybe one day I will be able to move my fingers the same way.
    I have also accepted that I have a 3.9. Last year's valevictorian had a 4.0 her entire 4 years and I guess I was trying to be her but I cant be her and will never be her. I would rather be happy and stress free the rest of the semester than depressed and stressed just as I was last semester trying to make everyone else proud.
    I know by now you all are wondering what fueled this new attitude? Well I ate diner with friends and made new friends 2 days in a row so that definantly put a big smile on my face, I read the bible everyday and pray every morning and night so that is helping me stay sane. I still have moments when I get depressed and burst into tears over small things but hopefully a trip to the neuro will straighten that out. Also, I might be getting a job this summer. A recruiter for college students with disabilities is coming to my school and I have an interview with him! Another reason Im not stressed about the 4.0 is I have already been accepted into the criminal justice honor society and I have a 4.0 in all of my criminal justice classes. And Im pretty sure I will be accepted into the new honors program and get a chance to study abroad in china this summer. So I am not on top of the world right now and not much has changed since my last entry except that I decided to give you guy the good side of the story and write about acceptance. Acceptance does not equal happiness to me but it does feel good
  23. CagedBird
    I just took a look at my midterm grades and I have 3 As, a B, and a C. I keep reminding myself of that fortune cookie I opened a couple of years ago which read "do not let great ambitions overshadow small success". I just feel defeated. There is nothing else I could have done. It is not my fault my Geography teacher has office hours when I have class and is never in his office during the hour I don't have class. I read the book, I studied, I did everything. I guess a C is better than an F. but I have a feeling, my instructor only gave me a C for effort and so I would not be put on academic probation. I can bring my Biology grade up but this C in Geography makes me pull my hair out. Right now I am supposed to be on Spring break but I can not even enjoy it due to the fact that I am stressed about grades and studying the whole week so I can be prepared to do better. It does not matter that I have 3As and am 1 letter grade from having 4 As or that I got accepted to go to China. All I can think of is my first C. I do have time to make it up before finals but that seems impossible considering C was only my midterm grade and if I average it with my previous 2 Fs, it wont even be a C anymore. I guess last year I just got lucky with all those As. I was never really smart in the first place.
    Anyway I know you guys are running out of pep talk about school so in other news I got my botox injections last week. It hurted really bad and I have a feeling OT tomorrow is not going to be less painful. but I guess no pain no gain. I just wish I did not feel like I was doing this for nothing. I want to believe that this will straighten out my arm and my wrist but reality is telling me it is too late.
  24. CagedBird

    School=Disappointment

    By CagedBird,

    Right now I am at home watching tv. Back in high school, it was depressing to sit at home watching tv on a Saturday night but right now, this is the best feeling I have felt all week. Yesterday was the first time that I cried in a while. I guess I had been holding everything in and accepting it and trying not to let it bother me but I guess it just all hit me at once. I currently have an A in only 2 out of my 5 classes. I have not passed any of my Geography or Biology test. It just makes me feel so stupid. I only see my boyfriend a couple of times a week and I barely eat with friends in the cafeteria, I don't go to any event on campus and this semester I am not doing community service. I dedicate ALL of my time to studying just to get Ds and Fs on the exams. I feel like school is the only thing I am good at so when I fail at that, I feel like I fail at everything and it makes it harder for me to see anything good about myself. On Friday I talked to my Geography teacher and my advisor. My Geography teacher agreed to work with me and assured me that it is not too late for me to get an A since Exams are only 25% of my final grade but there is still pressure since my highest grade on exams this far was a C. My advisor reminded me that college is about learning, not about keeping a 4.0. I decided in my blog about acceptance that I would not let a 4.0 GPA define my happiness but there is so much pressure. I just got accepted to the new honors program and I have to keep a 3.3. I do not see myself going below that this semester but there is still pressure to keep my gpa up for my resume and just in case I dont do well in my 300 level classes next semester. Midterms are in about 2 more weeks so I have been very stressed lately. I just hope you all will continue to pray for me. I will continue to try my best
  25. CagedBird

    Acceptance Part 2

    By CagedBird,

    I stuck to my word and Im still accepting things. Today I was so tired carrying about 15-20 pounds of books on my shoulder and walking in boots that were a little too big for my feet for hours all day. I wish I knew exactly how many miles I walk each day so people could understand just how far I walk. Its already tiring to walk far, then to have the weight of books, and the harsh cold in my joints just makes me want to collapse to the ground after each step. but I have accepted that. Instead of coming to my room to cry and wish I didnt walk the way I do, I just took off my shoes and rested and thank God I made it back to my room safely without falling. Then I remind myself it could be worse. The other day I went to the mall with my boyfriend and we seen a couple. The husband looked like he had a stroke because he was using a cane and his arm was bent the way mine used to be and my boyfriend held the door for his wife she was in a wheelchair. I seen 2 other people walking with a cane at the mall, and another lady in a wheelchair downtown. The following day I seen someone on crutches and yesterday I seen a blind man walking around campus. It always makes me feel better to know that Im not alone and although I wish it could be better, I am glad it is not worse. I went to the pain management doctor yesterday and he wants me to start the botox and OT again because I explained to him how my braces dont straighten my wrist anymore. After botox and OT failed the first time, it is hard to have hope that it will make a difference but I am trying to be optimistic.
    I know I said I was going to stop stressing so much over school but it really is a lot of work. I have 4 test on Friday in all of my classes. I can use extra time if I need it but my classes are back to back 50 minute classes and I know the test are going to be 50 question each so I am very stressed. but I have been trying my best at everything and still not doing good and not understanding. I am starting to feel like this is one of those semesters everyone gets where it is really extensive and stressful. On the good side, my interview went well. The recruiter was from the Pentagon and he told me that President Obama wants the government to hire 500,000 (i think) people with disabilities for federal jobs and by working with one of his employers I will receive free accomodations (i.e one handed keyboard). So I hope I can get the opportunity to work in Washington D.C, but I also want to study abroad in China this summer, and Im applying for a research position at the #1 criminology school in the nation at the university of maryland. I am very excited to see what this summer has in store for me but for now I have to go back to studying so I hope you all enjoy my positive entry