hmmblue

Stroke Survivor - female
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  1. hmmblue

    It's been a while!

    By hmmblue,

    I have been away since 2008 or 09. Lots has changed since 2007..the year of the stroke. In 2012...I pack up and walked away from everyone and everything.
    You see .. I was different.... not the same person as pre stroke.
     
    I couldn't deal with people expecting me to feel the same way I did about things...I didn't feel the same about things or them...it was hard faking it.
     
     
    So here I am ..now in Florida....live in a small house..with my dogs...and a lake down the street..55 on disability.
     
    Hmmmm what to do now???
     
    peace
    Sherry
  2. hmmblue

    Gone for four months

    By hmmblue,

    Hello,
     
    I'm finally back.
     
    I've been lost in all my confusion and dispare.
    I've been able to finally let go and I'm ok.
     
    I'm finally able to get on with living. All the test from August came back fine and I thank God for that!
     
     
    I weather that one and am forever thankful.
     
    I have changed my thought process and will not blame myself for getting sick. I took a while to convince myself that his actions were his problem and not because I was damaged from the stroke. Discusting and ugly. It was his problem, he chose to run off and run around and he has to live with his decision.
    As for me I'm ok I am a survivor.
     
    We all are survivors and we are stong. We are not damaged and we deserve respect and love. ( and we should all demand the best for ourselves) This was a hard jorney for me but I would not change a thing. I made it and came out a better stronger woman for it.
     
    2009 my wishes
    everyone peace, happiness, good friend, and lots of laughter
    for myself to keep learning about me and to smile every day
     
    Thanks for hearing me
    Sherry
  3. hmmblue

    i found my way back

    By hmmblue,

    hello out there
     
    does anyone remember me?
     
    I found my way back.
     
    I had another little stroker and it put me out for a bit but now im back.
     
    And i think im different again.
     
    when i now look in the mirror it seems the other me is so far away.
     
    im behind those eyes but i cant pull myself out.
     
    my bodys the same but my mind has slipped a bit.
     
    i was looking so forward but now i have to start over
     
    so here we go again and this time it seems harder and more intense the pain is stronger and now theres depression and panic attaches.
     
    lol
    to anyone reading this i just want to say hi and if you knew me im still in here somewhere.
     
    thankyou for listening
     
    sherryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
     
     
  4. hmmblue

    wow what now

    By hmmblue,

    Things were going along and I thought I was making progress. Them wham pain, and more pain. I've had pain since my stoke but I've been dealing with it. But it's changed now. It's every day. All day and intense. It starts with a sharp pain to the bottom of my rt foot then in both calves more like a cramp with a sharp pain too. Front of my leggs below and above my knees. At the same time they burn, feel like the flesh is being torn from the bone. My rt hip is stuck and when I move it is sharp and constant pain that moves into my lower back.
     
    As far as my upper body my rt sholder feels exactly like my rt hip and my arms like my leggs, my hands same as my feet.
     
     
    Then there are the chest pains like a belt around my chest and the numbness in my face.
     
     
    There may be a few moments with less intense pain but it is now constant.
     
     
    This is slowing down my progress because I can't walk when the pain realy sets in. And It makes it increasingly difficult to go on.
     
    I have a dr apt the 25th with a new dr so hopefully he'll believe me.
     
     
    I don't want to be drugged but just a little help to go on with rehab.
     
    I've been trying different things heat, cold, exercise but I can hardly do anything and I'm really mad.
     
     
    Ispent a couple of days curled up in a ball in my bed but thats not what I want so I try to do something every day.
     
    Pain makes it hard to think and I'm just waiting till the 25th.
     
    Is this common. It's almost my 1st year aniversery and I had such hope.
     
    Perhaps this is just the way strokes work?
     
    Thanks for Listning
     
    Sherry
     
     
     
  5. hmmblue
    Hi everyone
    Iv'e been working hard getting apointments and filling out papers and well tommorrow will be my last apt until June 25 and I'm glad because I need a break.
     
    The apt on the 25th i'm looking forward to its with a md and maybe I'll bet some help with the pain.
    Now what really on my mind
     
    Iv'e gone fron a size six pant to a 10 in 11 months
    I take thyroid med for hypothyroid but I'm not going to blame it on just that
    It seems that I can't get motivated to do something about the lbs on my waist and butt!!!!
    I tried walking but my rt hip and foot hurt so much a friend had to come and get me I could not make it home. That was very disapointing and made me mad I felt week and at war with my body.
     
    So this is my plan.
    1. go to dr and get help with pain and get check up for chest pain.
    2. ask him If I need surgury to close the whole in my heart
    3. ask dr what I can do safely to loose weight
    4. get healthy so I can do my rehab and vocatiional trainning
     
     
    So thats my short term plan
     
     
    Tommorrow I'm going to the nursing home and ask if I can volenteer there a couple of days a week.
    I need this for myself and I realy would like to be usefull.
     
    I'm tired of only thinking of myself, it's time for someone other that me me me lol
     
    I thank god everyday for One more day to share with my beloved animals.
     
    Life was so easiy before and now everthing is a chalange. I try to remember how lucky I am. I can communicat, eat, pat my animals, and even laugh.
     
    Life can be what ever you make it, so I'll make it the best I can.
     
    I'm afraid this post is not so interesting but thats my life. lol
     
    Thanks for Listning
    Do you think I have a good plan if not what would you change. I welcome feed back. Did I forget something I should be doing?
     
    I'll let you know what the nursing home says
     
    thanks Sherry
     
  6. hmmblue

    Getting Packed

    By hmmblue,

    It's 11 pm and I'm finishing my laundry for my week in rehab. Just thinking what the week will be like. It seems funny to me that post stroke I get paniced by anything new. pre stroke I would have looked forward to the adventure. lol It sure is a different life. I'll be at rehab from 8 am to 3:30 pm that's the schedule they mailed me. It should be intersting getting up at 6 or 7 and be out the door that early. I do good to get up and make coffee by 9 now! In the mornings it takes me a while to wake up and be able to move. My brain dos't work that fast any more its like I can be awake but I don't think clearly at first and I can't move my legs for a while its like my body and mind need time to wake up. Some times I feel like my brain isn't realy mine and I don't always trust myself. And my body, well it dosn't look or feel like mine. Its sometimes amuses me to watch myself my mind trying to controll my body and it's not cooperating. lol
     
     
    How everything was so easy pre stroke just going through the day walking and talking and doing whatever. whenever I needed or wanted to do. There was no limit to the things I could accomplish. I don't even remember being consered about much of anything!
     
    How that has changed. Post stroke everthing is hard. Everything from just brushing my teeth to putting a shirt on. 10 months post stroke I just realized A tag on a tee shirt goes in the back. Pre stroke I didn't have to think about how to do things I just did them. Now it can take up to an hour to get dressed correctly. (or at least what I think is correct) lol who knows what's correct I thougt for the last 10 months the tag went in the front. lol
     
    Well I guess if thats the worst thing I do it's ok ( it's not like I wear my unerware over my pants) at least I don't think I have!!!!!!!!!!!! It makes me wonder what other things I do or have done thats kinda off.
     
     
     
    Well tommorrow should be interesting. And I'll do my best. Thats all I can do.
     
    So I will say good bye for now and I will fill you in when I get back.
     
     
    Thanks to All of you for listning
     
     
    Sherry :toothy grin:
  7. hmmblue
    Hello everyone
     
    Well I've come a long way since my stroke on 7 17 07. I'm typing some and using not only my left hand but my right too. I'm speaking a little better at least it seem like it to me. And I have not lost anything in 4 days. (and let me tell you thats a big deal) I have adoped that little stray cat I named booger he stays outside during the day, comes in for lunch then runs off until dinner. He sleeps with me at night. Somehow he brings me comfort at night with his purrring. I called the spca and with my disability they will give him all his shots for 11.00 and neuter him for 15.00 so I made the apointment and I 'll have it done. He needs me and I guess I need him too. Oh did I mention he was born with one ear and no tail and no voice he can't meow but he sure can purrrr. He's grey with long fur on his back and short everywhere else. lol THAT'S MY BOOGIE BOY he he
     
     
    Well I got off subject.
     
    Pain, It's the burning, stabbing, constant aching pain. It's makes me so tired. Sometimes all I can do is curl up under a heating blanket and just pray for it to stop. The last time I say the dr in Nov he said It was pain from being depressed. He put me on Celex hasn't helped the pain and I think it just makes me tired..... I ran out of money in Nov so I didn't go back I now have coverage. So the queation is how do I get my dr to understand that I have Pain. Am I depressed hell ya pain is depressing I want to do rehab but I need to get some help with the pain. So when there ready for me at rehab I can give it my all. How do you talk to your doctor. Should I ask to see a neurologist? Would he understand more? ive been on a roll lately but so hasn't the pain I'm kind of afraid I will regress if I don't take care of the Pain. I don't expect to be pain free but how's about a little break!!!!!
     
    Sherry and Boggie
  8. hmmblue
    Well I recover from the letter from ssi say I may need a trustee.
     
    I went down to the ssi office with a friend and it's official I an disabled. The ssi people agreed with the phy nerologist severe brain damage due to stroke. ok but I wish they would stop saying that.
     
    2 hours later it was done. I didn't realy feel anything I realy felt numb.
     
    I guess after thinking about what they said and now this is a new chapter
     
    Now instead of selling things to pay bills ill have a check to help and can consentrate on my health and Ill have med help.
     
    I guess someone was looking out for me
     
    I was on the brink of loosing my house
     
    so I'll take a deep breath and start a new chapter
     
    I want to thank all of you that gave me hell and encouragement
     
    Its one thing to file for ssi but its another reality to actualy get it and it be officially DISABLED
     
    yes its time to move on
     
    look on the bright side I dont have a trustie lol Im still free
     
    Sherry
     
  9. hmmblue
    Well, I cant wait to hear what they have to say about all the test I took last week. Hopefully they will work with me at Dars and pay for rehab for my hand and speach theropy. The Peope at the rehab were very nice and knew a lot they answered a lot of my questions.
     
    This may sound weird but this was a great experence for me. I got to meet people just like me. We kinda all have the same look, do you know what I mean. Its in the eyes. Kind of a sadness and confussion. But it gave me a sence of peace being there. I did testing all day for 5 days. I didnt think I would make it all week but I did. And when I burst into tears which I do all day they just went about there buisness. They knew how to deal with it. And me.
     
    It was just so nice not to have to explain the crying the stuttering the missing words etc... I didn't have to explaine anything they already knew I had a stroke. I could just relax and not worry about what anyone would do or the looks I would get on the outside. I was almost happy for a few days lol.
     
    There were 2 other women about my age one had a stroke and the other hit by drunk driver and we all talked and laughted. The thing is after a while I forgot I was a stroke survivor. Everytime I start feeling bad I now have another memory to pull from to keep my spirits up. I was completly surprised at how fast I fell for these 2 women each had a different story but then we were so alike,
     
    I have my apt with Ann at 11am tommorrow(my theropist) can't wait to tell her I did ok. I did not get lost,did not run away,and I did what I was suppose to do. I know your probably saying whats the big deal! WELL this is the first time since my stroke I did anything that had purpose. And that I was totaly responsible for. I went alone found the place and got myself up on time in the morning fed myself food at lunch and at night. Took all my pills on time and didn't loose anything. And thats a big one. lol So I pat myself on the back and say job well done. he he
     
     
     
    thanks for listning
    sherry
  10. hmmblue
    I'll be going for a week May 12-16. Texas Assistive and Rehabilitative Services set it up for me. I am looking forward to meeting with the Dr. I have lots of Questions written down (so I wont forget anything). Maybe this will give me some answers. It been almost a year and this will be the only rehab i've had. They tell me I fell through the cracks. Well I'm going to try to make up for lost time.
     
    I'm realy kinda afraid. I'll be alone for a week. Sleeping alone, I have my dog that sleeps with me and when I wake in the middle of the night scared her warm breath is an my neck and calms me down. Does that sound realy strange? Mabe but it's true.
     
    I have someone coming to care for my animals and someone to get the mail. I have a ride to Houston and a ride home Friday.
     
    I went to make copies for ssi and the rehab today. The truth hit me in the face. I worked in offices for years. BUT today I couln't run the copy machine. I just couldn't figure it out and started to panic. I kept thinking I know I have short term memory problems but this wouldn't be short term. Realizing it's more than just short term memory!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Every time I realize something else I can't do I start to panic. The nice lady at the copy store made the copies for me. She didn't say anything but I know she was wondering what was wrong with her. The sweat pouring down my face and Im shaking all over. I just didn't have the strenth to tell her a stroke and then go into details. I tried not to speak much so I wouldn't have to explain that I hadn't been drinking it was the stroke.(it get so tired of repeating the same thing over and over). If you looked at me you might not notice the droop on the rt side of my face, small drag and limp of my rt leg. Unless you spoke to me or asked me to sign something you might not realize. But once I've spoked or written something you would realize something was wrong. lol Some time I just say too much partying last night, some people except that easier!! And If I wrap my hand they wont ask me to write!!!!! I know I shouldn't do that but sometimes I'm just to tired to care. I'm just trying to get threw the day.
     
    Sooo now I think I'm having panic attacks. Sweating,dizzy, feeling like hidding. Are you kidding me. Somtimes when I'm alone I want to panic too.
     
    ok stroke was enough I realy don't need panic attacke too. :yikes:
     
    Well I guess I'll just put that on my list too. I guess I should be thankful I'm here. All I can say is that I want more. I want to not be in pain every day and I want not to sob four hours a day for no reason. Id like to have great dinner and not choke on it. Is that asking too much. ok stop feeling sorry for myself Im here holding my dog and talking to you so I need to stop bla bla bla and get on with life. Be happy for the things you can do Sherry and get off your pitty pot! thanks I feel much better now.
     
     
    so if your reading this say what ever you want because I wont know lol
     
    but if you want to tell me I could use a different point of view lol You guys help me not take myself so serious and for that I thank you.
     
    Till next time
     
    Stroke Servivor
    7/17/07
    Sherry
  11. hmmblue

    confirmed apt today

    By hmmblue,

    Went to see Ann today (my shrink) lol she always laughs at that. Its confirmed that may 12-16 I'll be in Houston in rehab to see it they can help me and give me some tools to work with when i get back home. Im looking forward to this. Im sure they have all kinds of info they can give me so i can use them at home. And ways to help slow down the vasular demenchia Ann really help me make it this far. Here goes the truth part I would have killed myself back in Feb it I hadn't met her. I was at the end, out of work for a year almost out of money. All my savings gone everything I worked for all my life. I was so tired and in such a dark place.
     
    But... she took the time to explaine to me there are resorces to use. She gave me the info and set me up with tx rehab (state run). With out them I wouldn't have known how bad my stroke was. Sure I knew there was something wrong but not to this extent. Truth time (I AM DISABLED)
     
    Some physically mostly my brain has some severe damage.
     
    The nerologist gave me the results from all his test when I left his office.
     
    Ann and I went over them page by page.....yes it's all true BRAIN IS DAMAGED my BRAIN
     
    Today with Ann I found a peace my body seemed to relax and the anger seemed to melt away. I could actually feel it. So its time to start a new chaper in my life. Meet new people and have new experences. Im sure there will be bad days and i'll fall back a little but I will try to move forward everyday.
     
    April 30. 2008 the first aniversery of my beloved grandmothers death. I miss her soooo.. No one could have loved her more that I did. She lived with me for the last 10 years. She was there when I took my first breath and I for her when she took her last. I can remember every moment of her last days. She died at home in here room with her bird petee and me by her side. How I miss her. I made sure she knew how much I loved her and I knew how much she loved me. I guess that should bring me some peace. I thanked God today for not letting her see me like this. It would have broke her heart. So I'm content knowing she is with him and I will see her again. When it's my time.
    And not before!!!!!!!!!!!!
  12. hmmblue

    JUST THE TRUTH

    By hmmblue,

    This is the place I intend on being completly honest with myself. No more making excuses or bargins with god. There are no bargins to be made. No more lies to tell myself. No more smiling and saying I'm fine everything is great. It's not lets face it things are a mess. lol Time to face the truth and face reality!
     
    7/17/07 was the day life changed for me. So this is where i'll start.
     
    Ischemic Stroke Left side Brain Right side Body. 47 year old female neuropsychologically evalusted. (that's me)
     
    Diagnosis Vascular Dementia with Depressed Mood
    Borderline Intellectual Functioning
    Diagnosis Condition Deferred
    Psychosocial Stressors Post Stroke Crying, limited physical fuctioning severe short term memory etc....
    The disturbance is severe enough to interfere with her work, usual social activities and her relationships with other people. Serious consideration for long-term disability is recommended.
     
    So that's what I was told on 4/25/08. They gave me the nessary papers and an appointment and its done. I fooled myself for almost a year but now it's time to face the reality and deal with it. So I will start here...............................
     
     
  13. hmmblue
    I'll be going for a week May 12-16. Texas Assistive and Rehabilitative Services set it up for me. I am looking forward to meeting with the Dr. I have lots of Questions written down (so I wont forget anything). Maybe this will give me some answers. It been almost a year and this will be the only rehab i've had. They tell me I fell through the cracks. Well I'm going to try to make up for lost time.
     
    I'm realy kinda afraid. I'll be alone for a week. Sleeping alone, I have my dog that sleeps with me and when I wake in the middle of the night scared her warm breath is an my neck and calms me down. Does that sound realy strange? Mabe but it's true.
     
    I have someone coming to care for my animals and someone to get the mail. I have a ride to Houston and a ride home Friday.
     
    I went to make copies for ssi and the rehab today. The truth hit me in the face. I worked in offices for years. BUT today I couln't run the copy machine. I just couldn't figure it out and started to panic. I kept thinking I know I have short term memory problems but this wouldn't be short term. Realizing it's more than just short term memory!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Every time I realize something else I can't do I start to panic. The nice lady at the copy store made the copies for me. She didn't say anything but I know she was wondering what was wrong with her. The sweat pouring down my face and Im shaking all over. I just didn't have the strenth to tell her a stroke and then go into details. I tried not to speak much so I wouldn't have to explain that I hadn't been drinking it was the stroke.(it get so tired of repeating the same thing over and over). If you looked at me you might not notice the droop on the rt side of my face, small drag and limp of my rt leg. Unless you spoke to me or asked me to sign something you might not realize. But once I've spoked or written something you would realize something was wrong. lol Some time I just say too much partying last night, some people except that easier!! And If I wrap my hand they wont ask me to write!!!!! I know I shouldn't do that but sometimes I'm just to tired to care. I'm just trying to get threw the day.
     
    Sooo now I think I'm having panic attacks. Sweating,dizzy, feeling like hidding. Are you kidding me. Somtimes when I'm alone I want to panic too.
     
    ok stroke was enough I realy don't need panic attacke too. :yikes:
     
    Well I guess I'll just put that on my list too. I guess I should be thankful I'm here. All I can say is that I want more. I want to not be in pain every day and I want not to sob four hours a day for no reason. Id like to have great dinner and not choke on it. Is that asking too much. ok stop feeling sorry for myself Im here holding my dog and talking to you so I need to stop bla bla bla and get on with life. Be happy for the things you can do Sherry and get off your pitty pot! thanks I feel much better now.
     
     
    so if your reading this say what ever you want because I wont know lol
     
    but if you want to tell me I could use a different point of view lol You guys help me not take myself so serious and for that I thank you.
     
    Till next time
     
    Stroke Servivor
    7/17/07
    Sherry
     
     
     
     
     
     
  14. hmmblue
    Hi everyone
     
    Well i'm back from rehab and my evaluation. Im in the waiting mode now. They tell me it will be about 3 weeks before all the test are in and I have a plan of action. I know they reqested theropy for my rt hand and speach for well my speach. lol as far as the rest (my brain) I took all the test in the brain injury department that I could and I did the best I could on everything. What else can you do except for your very best. Im glad its over but I got lots of Information on Dars. Dars is the Department of Assistive and Rehabiliative Services im useing to get help. The problem with Dars is they don't tell you what they cover... However when I was in the rehab doing my evaluation the Dr told me they can pay for rehab, and theropy, glasses etc. Sooooooooooooo
     
    I now have the knowledge to get help, It's been 10 months since my stroke and no rehab well that's all about to change. Im not asking for a free ride Im just trying to find resourses to get on with life and make it the best life I can.
     
    I filed for ssdi about a month ago and I'll use that to live on until I can see if I will get better but If I don't I need to know that I did everything posible to try and will have no regrets. I have to try everything because if not I always say What If..................................
     
    Who has time for what ifs........Well I finally acomplished something
     
    Sherry
  15. hmmblue

    lost

    By hmmblue,

    what to do when the only person you trusted betrays you what do you do
     
    he lied cheated need i say more
     
    i feel old ugly and stupid
     
    i just dont get it when i was well this didn't happen but now things just keep happening and its hard to even care anymore
     
    whats wrong with me that i was so stupid
     
    what did i do to deserve that
     
    i just found out yesterday his sister was mad at him so she sent me a pic of her
     
    that was the worst
     
    to see that and find out everyone knew but me
     
    sat in front of me and never said anything then hit me with that after he left town and i was driving
     
    i almost crashed the car
     
    i had to stop and vomit
     
    i slept with him this weekend and she was a whore he picked up
     
    how do i go for a aids test
     
    should i even bother
     
    ive been up all night and smoking i quite 1 year ago
     
    just try to hurt myself i guess
     
    ill stop smoking today
     
    im trying not to flip out
     
    i have his clothes in a pile and i want to burn them
     
    i dont know what ill do
     
    will i burn them or worse
     
    im so very angry
     
    bitter
     
    why
     
    i love him so much
     
    sherry