kwaltke

I have got one for you. But I highly doubt that you can relate. I could not find my purse. Me and my purse!! I have drug it in the road when I shut it outside the car door. Its always something. But suffice to say I never know where it is. I leave it behind in restaurants .... But we made all the calls and it was no where to be found. Till...... Bill opened the refrigerator door and there it was cooling its heels next to the pickles. I really wish I had even half of the brain cells that died ......

You are AMAZING Leah!! I am sending you hugs and all the positive thoughts I can muster, Karen

Yea. What kind of high end bikes did you ride. One of my sons never has less than two His current is an incredible Honda hes had Harleys and Ducati and Triumphs and His love the Norton We all ride ATVs I am done with that as I went off I turned part of my Tibia Fiba into a relacement erector set. I guess you could say I learned slow down and read the Terrain . I will ride on the whatever it is - Way big go kart thing or the ATV for four occasionaly now. I am a passenger. Although my grandaughter got an ATV for Christmas I might could ride HA HA !! Mostly going Boating is a challange enough for me. I am content to manage to get in then ride. I m addicted to the wind in my hair. I Still cannot do the Jet skis Like you say our Toys change. I just got done doing my therapy putty and exercises from a StrokeNet poster. I love getting down on the floor with my grandaughter and playing blocks and we put shapes into the right hole. She wins every time...... shes 19 months . Congrats on getting to go back to work. That is wonderful. Karen

Phil I will give you a thought to pause on. I was hospitalized for of all things Pancreatitis Never drank in my life?!? They could not keep my hydrated and thought I would need surgery. So they went to do a Central Line. That was the last thing I remember I had at least two bleeds into the brain right there. I was in the wait between a catastrophe occuring and being let go to honor my living will when I woke up. I thank the Lord he was with me, he never left nor did he forsake me. Even though this was done TO me I still am grateful to the Lord Each day has been precious even when it seems uphill sometimes.

I an not angry at what was done to me. I cant quite get past that is was a medical procedure that caused it. Sure I could sue and ruin another couple years of my life as you know they would fight it even if it could not change the thruth that this was done to me. Now all I have to do is decide how much can I withstand ..... Do I have the strenght to go through a court battle ........... I may now have a choice. Live can be not fair all. Tell me have you decided to try to right the wrong and stand up and say No I will not let you do this to my life without a fight. Or do you consider it not worth the price of a court battle??

Yes there are good days and there are days that I try not to show how bad it is when every thought is jumbled and I am amazed at anyone who can go back to work. I am They are my future goal realized. I have found that somedays even most I can stay opptomistic then there are the other. Diamonds and stones Karen

Wes I dropped in on an evening Chat and was so over whelmed in tring to keep up ** sigh** So I keep thinking well if at first you dont succeed but I gave not been back. I dont want to hold up the show Tell you what I will do I will try chat out if you will again at least that way I wont have to face the embarrasment alone. To think I used to wp at over 120 wpm error free. I think I might do a small sentence now and this is after two years of working it. I still cannot write my signature!! It was beautiful if I do say to myself. Its gone and I am starting to accept that now. You have such wonderful family support. Wow!!

There is always something to be grateful for. A week and a half ago it was -19 degrees here. At that temp in you sit on the pity pot it will freeze!!! I know that wasnt funny but all the same. I know some days are harder than others. The good news is this. Tommorow promises to be a day grateful to be alive. Hugs Karen

Bart I felt much like you. Not that the feelings were identical but if I could have put my feelings to paper instead of in sillence thinking how my darling husband and family must feel with being burdened by all this. Well.. I came close to ending my life in the depression. My daughter in law recognized it and I went in patient for about 3 days. I went on an anti depressant and its the best thing I ever did. One of my life friends told me he said Karen when you have had a stroke its not an if you get depressed its a WHEN you finally realize you are depressed call me. He had a stroke a few years ago. When they took him off the heart lung bypass machine. Stokes will change everything. I accept that now. Between you and me Once I accepted the stokes and hemmorages into the brain and that my family does love me. They are going through changes too. They are grieving as well but they really want to help me however they did not know what to say or do around me anymore. I was at the lowest point I think you can go. Some amazing things happend all arount the same time. My little grandaughter said I ub u grammama and when they quit feeling sorry for me and stood back I started to grow a little in my ability as well. I felt they all treated me like I was retarded not the survivor of the stokes. Today we all turned a corner and we are growing together. We are all the better for it and understanding I cannot grow if they always just do it for me. They push me to come more and more into their world and I am making progess sloe as it is. Two days ago I saw my little Kaylee (my grandaghter) I asked for help to get down to play with her. I played and played with her on the floor. She is walking and running now. She got up and she wanted me to get up and push her in her little V-Dub toy we got her. I could not get up . So sne said Up Gamma I dont know how I did it I got up and using the handle of her riding toy and my cane I pushed her all over the place!!!!! I used it sort of like a walker. We had a blast Would not have dreamed I could have done that and niether would of my family. Life can be so good we can lfind ourself lost in ldepression. It is amazing to live and fine myself totally surrounded in the love and innocence of a baby girl. I am praying you find that and talk to your family. The burden my family carried was they could not do it for me..... they could take care of my physical needs I am the only one who could speak about and take care of my needs to accept life changed and no it was not fair But it is sooooooooo way worth living. You hang in there and if you need anyone to listen we are all here and I bet they are wondering how to love you so you know how much they love and need you First I had to learn to love and accept myself the rest will fall into place. You have all of us here and we do know and we do understand. I know any one of us is only as far away as reaching out. Karen

Wesley H That is a five star post if ever there was one...... :big_grin:

I said a special prayer for you. I know this hurt. Try to let your wife know that you miss her and need her for far more than caregiving. Hugs Karen

It will be two years for me in Feb. I have had my melt downs mostly due I think that as I make a little progress my family has expectations that this hurdle was crossed now do it all the time. I cant then I see it as failue and they react with dissapointment. Many time I have truly needed help and they have the expectation that I should be past that. One day at a time and take each step with the Lord..... Never ever give up hope. It is so hard because none of us would have chosen this. If we expend all our energy on why me. there is no energy left to achieve. One day one step at a time.......

I do love House. I could use a marathon day of House

I had my stroke at 56. I am so grateful that my daughter in law was expecting with thier first baby. They would hold the ultrasound and talk to me about Kaylee and how she was counting on me. Somehow I beleive my precious grandaughter saved my life before she was born. Even though I was listed as grave and terminal.

JO I thought I had a lot of friends and a few youd trust your life with. Now I am seeing the other side. I think my being different than Id always been sorted out the real friends from those who are uncomfortable with me now. SrokeNet is my security blanket . I know HERE you all understand. I dont know what Id do without you all. I consider you all heaven sent. God knew my need and met it. Hugs

Isuppose I could understand In Law Difficuties. These are not our inlaws but our sons wifes parents Over the name of our precious grandchildren. I could let you know the extent of the difficutiies but I suppose admitting my heart had no pulse at one point would prove I am just way to sensitive to the curves in the road on the path of life.

Not that it matter why we have stroked once we have.... but I was in the hospital for something totally unrelated, They had to do something like a central line or something like that. End result I sttroked and had two bleeds into the brain immeditately followkng the procedures. I was out of my head ... did not know what I was doing and they transfered me to another hospital when they realized as that one did not handle bleeds into the brain or strokes. Then I went unresponsive i might move my eyes or something but after the bleeds into the brain I guess that was pretty normal. Mine was largely Bilateral althoug the bleeds were on the left of the brain. I was totally paralyzed once things started showing what would be the affected sides. Just as i was regaining any conciousness my lungs were I forget exatly throwing hundreds of clots to my lungs of visa versa They had to do surgery to put it a stent that would capture all the clots now they could catch the ones from the stent up but not the stent down so I was in critacal care again. Finally they were able to start working with what was left. I was able to leave the hospital 4 mos later walking on a walker. No perpial vision I was a mess. And then came the flight for lifes as I would stop breathing and felt like I was restroking. They were ischemic attackes I guess. Once home I was alone as Bill had to work No choices. I was left alone as there was no coverage and no choice. Of course by then I was on Coumadie for the clotting factors. Its been a journey in a foreighn land that is really not over . We had no insurance as I had lost my coverage back with an auto accident. You cant imagine the nightmare thhat has been. And still we have not got me covered under medicaid or Medicare. They finally two weeks ago granted my SSI. They took it away 10 days later. I understand that will take away my battle for Medicare/Medicaid?!? I cannot get health insurance at any price due to the fact I have had some health problems. I am the mom right I have to be strong for all the family well it all came apart this summer as my care giver is worn out to a frazzle and he has his own pain. He has Palindromic RA and he is Post Polio. Then he had to have surgery and I became his care giver. Anyway Me the strong one broke and was I will admit suicidal. Now I look back and cannot understand how distorted my thinking had become and how unmanageble our lives were. But I have to accept to get help I guess we would have to just give up and quit working and go on welfare or something. I cant do that We cannot do that we are too proud I guess. I am not saying the kids are never there for us, But due to inlaw problems they have many times not been or they are in trouble in the other side of the family. Brothers married sisters. And if you can believe the reason for the inlaw problems are over they had the girls and the parents wanted the cnildren named after their family name not ours and this has been an issure they will not let rest for over 15 years. When the other son and his wife had the baby after my stroke it all started up again. They waned that baby to carry their family name so they wont be without someone to carry on their family name How hideous it is. The oressure on me over all this set me up for a restroke So its not benign issues . After all this it is still worth it and Nothing will ever make me doubt Gods love for me. Where am I at right now. I am ok I have the scootie and I use the cane when I can although I am not stable on it really. Life is good and it goes on. Also the LAST thing I want or can handle is Pity. I take it as it comes and one way or another we shall find the way. I feel I can say that here and all of you will know what I mean. We are survivors!!

When I was comatose and unresponsive there was a virtual vigil going on without my being aware. Friends family and church members. When I became concious and a little aware they limited the visitor a bit so I could recover as time passed things slowed down a bit. When I was moved to rehab there was still enough on going drama with surgeries etc to keep things livelyl Finally I actually made it through rehab there at the Hospital and was sent home. Nothin had been set up as what to do with me. I ended back in the hospital several more times I was having either ministrokes or at the least my blood pressire would plummet and many times they couldnt detect a pulse. Flight for life was called on those. Once I was home its like everyon but my hustband disappeared, either they were exhausted or whatever. To this day my husband is my caregiver and my rock. The kids do what they can. Our one son and his wife were expectign when I had the stokes and bleeds into the brain. Soon the Baby kept them busy the other son even seemed to think well its all okay now. There is a lot more but I am not here to discourage anyone. I am just now starting to reach out a little and let others know how lost and thrown to the wolves I felt. No therapy besides that on the floor It was very difficult. I am going to be ok now.....But I was so lost for so long...... I feel even the medical end dropped the ball. Karen

I think if you so often I dont see you as sad, as if you dont have a right to be even if you are but I want to make sure that I dont pass by quietly without saying we are all here for you just as I know you are here for us. Its a journey and we have chosen to care for each other along the way. Hug Karen

Gramma If only I had a nickel for every time I got frustrated or someone got frustrated with me Id take us all to the Bahamas. I have come so far, IE I can get my spoon to my mouth now When there was a time that seemed mission impossible. If only you knew how many typo s I have had to back space to correct or how bad I feel knowing I need a caregiver and my poor husband.... he gets burned out. I went to visit a friend for a couple weeks and when I got home my dear husband looked like he was 10 years younger. I am a survivor and do the best I can and am so grateful that I am not where I was when I woke up. I remind my family that they prayed so hard for this. I am alive. On the most frustraing day, and I am not proud of this I told my family this I said I know you all prayed so hard for me and now you that your prayers were answered you get upset that I am not perfect.... It isnnt fair But I am so grateful to be here to frustrate you. And then we battle depression because lets face it Life is good but it is not what it was before the strokes. Just know that we are out here rooting for you and every day is better and sweeter. I wish for you every thing you dream of and more. We all do. Life is wonderful!! Even when there are days you want to throw in the towel. I will here for you when you have that day I know someone will encourage me on my days I want to give up.

Most days I could have easily authored your post. Except I cannot write yet. Not at all I can read but dont ask for my to get my signture on paper. I have visual issues but mostly it would be easier to list the things I can do and do as well as before the strokes Thats a shorter list by far. I do my best not to let it get me down. I have a long gratitude list to write out once I can write again. Hugs Karen

Thanks Jan. I needed that today puts into words what Id like to say and hear both.