Emotional effects ten years after stroke

[Taltul]

Hi,

This is both a venting post and asking for support.

I haven't posted for almost 6 years about my partner and his stroke.  Recap: He had a major stroke in 2012, recovered but there are physical effects (as well as emotional and mental ones).  He's mobile and has all his facilities.

We had a lot of ups and downs for many years.  He could suddenly have anger attacks and became  verbally abusive.  We were in couples therapy countless times. He would improve and then go back to being verbally abusive.  Never physically - I would have thrown him out immediately if that had ever happened.

6 years ago there was an incident where I felt he had crossed the line and told him to get out within a month (we lived in my house).  He begged me to go back to our therapist and the only reason that I did was because the therapist called me. (After meeting with my partner, the therapist felt it was important to meet together.)  After three months, we agreed to continue our relationship. (During this time, my partner continued to live with me.)  I announced to the therapist and my partner at the end of the last session that I would never come back to any couple therapy again.  If my partner crossed the line again, I was finished.

Since then, we (as a couple) moved to be closer to our children and grandchildren in another part of the country.  We're both retirees and it's been a big adjustment. We left behind our friends and our community.  I've moved forward - joining activities, meeting people but he is mainly at home, not interested in any activities, working on the computer, watching TV.  The only regular social interactions he has are with me.  He meets his children and grandchildren occasionally. I could say that he's become as ingrown as a toenail but when I bring it up, he gets annoyed and defensive.  He says that he's not interested in any social interactions with anyone.  He wants to be alone.

This is a person who before the stroke was the life of the party.  Always getting in touch with friends and setting up activities.  Even after the stroke, he was amenable to meeting friends. Now he's the polar opposite.

Since we made the move, he's changed even more. He has become very paranoid about his privacy. Even if I ask him what he's doing on the computer (He likes lectures and AI courses.), his answer is always a rude "None of your business."  He isn't interested in sharing anything  with me.  What's worse is that he isn't interested in my life or my concerns. I dealing with my adult (45 years old) daughter's struggles with her life, and he doesn't care.  He's not interested in my sharing my concerns and worries. We're talking about someone whom he has known since she was 10!  He lived with me while she was growing up and now he acts like she isn't any kind of family to him.  He only cares about or shows interest in his daughters and his grandkids.  My kids and grandkids are nothing to him. I feel that I'm increasingly becoming no one to him.

After the venting (thank you for reading this far), has anyone dealt with this kind of increasing disappearance of any compassion or feelings for others so many years after a stroke? It's obvious that it's been a slow development that I didn't consider an issue. We continue with our regular lives together - we do things together, go on trips, out to a restaurant etc... but there isn't any emotional support from him. He says that it's just not important to him to give me any support.

We've been together 35 years.  I never imagined that I would have to deal with this situation.

Thanks for your attention.

 

[swilkinson]

Welcome back. Thank you for your update. Stroke does seem to steal our happiness as caregivers. My Ray like your partner became less emotional as he had more strokes. I was fortunate to have wonderful women friends who supported me and interaction with many who became my friends here on this site. That saved my sanity.

 

I think it is part personality and part the changes in the brain caused by the strokes. Someone already introverted can become self absorbed and seemingly uncaring. This is hard to take but when viewed as a side affect of the stroke it is bearable. My husband's neurologist once told Ray how lucky he was to have a caring wife to which he replied: "It's her duty to look after me." So you can imagine how I felt.

 

Only you can decide what to do but do get some counselling by yourself, that helps too. And don't rely on him to change, that is unlikely to happen. Hopefully you can find joy in life without any encouragement from him. Whatever anyone says we caregivers are special people.

 

 

[Taltul]

Thank you for responding.  My partner was so extroverted and now he's so different.  I can deal with that but the uncaring part can be difficult.  We can have a couple of normal days and suddenly he responds to something I said (sometimes not even connected to him) in such a hurtful way.  It's these sudden changes that throw me off balance.  Luckily, he hasn't had another stroke - he takes his meds regularly and does all the check ups. At least he's proactive about his health.